(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC)
# To Ganymede and Titan,
Yes, sir, I've been around... #
Lister, have you ever been hit
over the head with a welding mallet?
No? Then shut up and push the trolley.
Yes, sir, Rimmer!
Right. Corridor 159.
(LISTER HUMS THE SAME TUNE)
Lister, shut up!
- I'm only humming!
- Well, don't.
Don't hum and don't make any
stupid sounds with your cheeks.
(CLICKS TUNE WITH HIS THROAT)
Lister, one more sound, anything,
and you're on report, miladdo.
What job number's this?
(LISTER MIMES HIS ANSWER)
Right! That's it!
"Lister, D., Third Technician.
"Offence: obstructing a superior technician
"by humming, clicking and being quiet."
When the Captain sees this, you're dead.
- Rimmer, I'm bored!
- Bored?!
This is essential routine maintenance.
It's absolutely vital for the well-being
of this crew, this mission and this ship.
"Dispenser 172: chicken soup nozzle clogged."
Pass me a 14B, Lister.
Lister, is this a 14B?
Does it look even remotely like a 14B?
This is a 14B, Lister.
This is a 14F. Are you blind?
- Who cares?
- I care, Lister!
It's my career, Lister,
I'm the one who gets it in the neck
if an officer comes along, orders chicken soup,
and gets blackcurrant cordial
with blancmange, two creams and a sugar.
Chicken soup.
(THE MACHINE HUMS)
Yep. That's working.
It's stupid anyway,
all this maintenance business.
The only reason they don't give
this job to the service robots
is they've got a better union than us.
That is absolute nonsense.
Right. What's next?
"Botanical gardens: faulty porous circuit.
"In corridor 147: sticking door."
It's true, you know, though, Rimmer.
You rank below all four of those service robots.
Even the one that's gone absolutely mad.
Well, Lister, not for long, matey.
Up, up, up! That's where I'm going!
Not until you pass your engineer's exam.
And you won't do that because you'll
just go in there and flunk again.
Lister, last time I only failed
by the "narrowest" of narrow margins.
You what? You walked in there, wrote,
"I am a fish," 400 times,
did a funny little dance, and fainted.
- That's a total lie!
- No, it's not! Petersen told me.
(MOCK SCOUSE ACCENT)
"No, it's not! Petersen told me.?
Lister, if you must know. What I did was,
I wrote a discourse on porous circuits
which was simply
too "radical?, too "unconventional",
too "mould-breaking" for the
examiners to accept!
Yeah. You said you were a fish.
- Is that a cigarette you're smoking, Lister?
- No, it's a chicken.
Right! You're on report.
Two times in as many minutes, Lister. I don't know!
- Rimmer, Lister.
- Yes, sir.
Yo, Todhunter, get down!
Indeed. Now, Rimmer, I'm just going
through McIntyre's artifacts,
and I see that you've filed
247 complaints... against Lister.
- Yes, sir!
- That's 123 counts of "insulting a superior technician"
39 counts of "dereliction of duty",
84 counts of "general insubordination",
- and one count of "mutiny".
- Yes, sir!
- "Mutiny", Lister?
- I stood on his toe.
- Maliciously, and with intent to wound.
- It was an accident!
Lister, I put it to you. How is it possible to stand
on one small toe by accident?
You didn't stand on my toe at all,
you stood on my entire foot,
thereby obstructing a superior technician
in pursuit of vital duty.
But the "vital duty" was him going
to snap my guitar in half!
Whereupon you leapt from the top bunk
onto the whole of my right foot.
- Alright, that's enough.
- Had there been a crisis situation, Lister,
I would have had to perform
my duties hopping
clearly putting the ship at risk,
clearly, therefore mutiny.
- Finished?
- However, I'm not vindictive man,
so I won't intend to apply
for the death penalty.
There are 169 people onboard this ship.
You, Rimmer, are over one man.
Why can't you two get on?
You, see I try, sir.
I'm not an insubordinate man by nature.
I try to respect Rimmer and everything,
but it's not easy.
He's such a smeghead.
Did you hear that, sir?
Lister, do you have any conception
of the penalty for describing
a superior technician as a 'smeghead'?
Oh, Rimmer. You ARE a smeghead.
You heard that, Lister!
With respect, sir,
your career's over, Todhunter,
you're finished you big lig!
We're all gathered here today
to pay our last respects to George McIntyre.
George was an excellent officer
and as good a friend as anyone
could ever hope to have.
He'll be missed more deeply and
more completely than he could ever know.
I now commend his ashes
to the stars he loved so much.
Goodbye, George, we'll miss you.
(WHOOSH)
This is a piece of music he specially requested.
Start the tape, please, Holly
# See you later, alligator
In a while, crocodile... #
There goes McIntyre.
#...so long! Goodbye! #
Bye George.
- That was George!
- Really, I thought it was Mary Queen of Scots!
- So anybody for a sherry?
Off!
- Hey, I was watching that!
- Well, tough!
You touch that guitar, Lister, I'll remove
the E string and garrotte you with it.
Can I do anything? Is it OK
if I breathe? Can I breathe?
Lister, I have an exam tomorrow
which I intend to pass!
I know, yeah, by cheating.
This is not cheating!
It is merely an aid to memory.
It helps me marshal the facts
already at my command.
What does? Copying the entire
textbooks onto your body?
Wby don't you hand your body in
and let them mark that?
Lister, so you think it is easy for someone
like me to become an officer?
Someone who wasn't Academy educated?
Someone who didn't have
the right nobby background?
Someone who didn't
have the right parents?
You didn't have right parents?
Whose parents did you have?
MY parents. The wrong parents.
I'm just saying, y'know, if you can't
pass fair and square, why bother?
Well you would, Lister,
because you've no ambition, no drive.
You're perfectly content to
be the lowest rank on this ship.
I'm not the lowest rank on this ship.
What about the laboratory mice?
Tell the mice to do something
and they've got to jump to it.
"Yes, Mr Lister, sir! Eee, eee, eee."
Lister, you are a nothing.
I'm not a nothing. I've got me plan.
What's that, to be the slobbiest
entity in the entire universe?
No. Me Five Year Plan.
You see, I'm going to do two more trips.
I've been saving up all me pay...
- Since when?
- Since always.
That's why I never buy any soap, deodorant,
socks or anything like that. Y'know?
I'm going to buy meself a little farm on Fiji
and I'm going to get a sheep
and a cow and breed horses.
- With a sheep and a cow?
- No, with horses and horses.
- On Fiji?
- Yeah! The prices there are unbelievable.
Yes, because they had a volcanic eruption,
and now most of Fiji's
three feet below sea level!
It's only three feet. They can wade.
That's why the animals are
gonna have to be quite tall.
Nice plan, Lister! Excellent plan!
Brilliant plan, Lister!
What about the sheep? What are you
going to do? Buy them water wings?
Fit them with stilts?
Better still, you could cross-breed them
with dolphins and have leaping mutton!
Baa, pssh, baa, pssh.
You can get a drainage grant these days.
Why bother, Lister? You could be the
first man to produce wet-look knitwear!
Look, this is why I
never, ever said anything
to you, I knew you'd
say something like this.
Lister, you've got the
brain of a cheese sandwich.
(YOKEL VOICE) "Mornin', Farmer Lister!
"Oim just poppin' down to the shops in my submarine.
Can I buy you anything?"
(SHIPS HORN BLARES)
The "Welcome Back George Mcintyre"
reception is about to begin in the refectory
George says he'd like to invite everybody
especially those who weren't
able to attend his funeral
- Have you seen Rimmer's arm?
- No, I'm waiting for it to come out in paperback!
Petersen, have you got a coin?
I've just been shown this
great new intelligence test.
What you gotta do is force
the coin onto your forehead.
and then the more times you
can bang yourself on the head
without it falling off, the
more intelligent you are.
- You gonna go for it?
- (ALL) He's going for it!
- Are you ready? Can you feel it?
- Yeah!
Can you feel it? Go!
(ALL) Go on! Go for it!
(ALL) Brrr...brrr...brrr.
- Brrr...brrr..brrr...
- Sh! sh!
Folks, today is a day
for both sadness and joy.
Sadness for the passing
away of George, and joy,
because George is back
with us... albeit as a hologram.
Now some of you may not have
travelled with a hologram before
so I ask you to
treat him as a normal man,
because he is in every respect like George.
He has George's personality, and
George's knowledge and experience.
Of course, he can't lift
anything or touch anything,
so I ask you to cooperate with his requests.
And please take every care
not to walk through him,
not even when you're in a hurry. Thank you.
(ALL) Whoa! Whoa!
- Speech! Speech!
I want to thank everybody
for giving me such a marvellous funeral.
I've just seen the vid.
And I want to thank the Captain
for his beautiful eulogy.
Beautiful.
But i still don't understand why
didn't he use the one I wrote?!
This must seem pretty spooky for everyone,
but I don't want you to think
of me as someone who's dead,
more as someone who's no longer
a threat to your marriages.
I think Joe knows
what I'm talking about!
As you know, Holly's only
capable of sustaining one hologram.
So, my advice to anyone
more vital to the mission than me is:
if you die, I'll kill you.
Please be upstanding for the cutting of the cake.
Flight Coordinator George Mcintyre.
(ALL) George!
(LISTER GARGLES)
OK. Just one thing before the disco.
Holly tells me he has sensed
a non-human life form aboard.
Sir, it's Rimmer!
We don't know what it is, Lister.
So just be careful, OK?
I'm turning you in, Rimmer.
(GROUP) Ooooh!
Right, they're bound
to ask the right thigh,
which is 10%.
They must ask the left thigh, which is 20%.
They've got to ask one of the forearms.
Which means I've passed already!
Anything on the left shin's a bonus!
Right. CUTIE: current under tension is...
What's this? Current under tension is equal?
Current under tension is expandable?
Current under tension is expensive?
What does this mean?
What does any of this mean?
I've covered my body in complete and utter
and total absolute nonsense gibberish!
Aaaargh! Just relax, relax, relax, relax...
Er, plus 20% of the ship's course minus
the Pythagoras theorem
multiplied by two over the x axis
minus one equals the total
velocity of Red Dwarf,
which means I know everything
about astro-engineering.
Good morning, Lister,
for probably the last time.
You've got it all down,
have you, Rimmer?
Couple of blanks, but I think we're there.
So you can't remember anything?
Think what you will, Lister.
Rimmer, F-I-S-H, that's how you
spell "Fish", and you just keel over.
I'm sure it'll all come flooding back to ya.
Dry up, Lister.
(INTERCOM HONKS)
Entrants for the engineer's examination,
now make their way to the teaching room.
Well, Rimmer, honestly, good luck.
It's all right, Lister.
I'm in complete and total control.
Lock! Lock!
(CAT MIAOWS)
Frankenstein! Come on, Frankenstein!
Oh, you're getting really big now, you know?
I hope it's not twins.
You've already got all me milk ration.
Never mind, when the baby cat comes, maybe
we can give it water and pretend it's milk.
It's only a baby cat, it won't know, eh?
Do you want to see my
picture of Fiji again, Frankie?
You're gonna love it there. Look.
OK, everybody. You've got three hours.
No modems, no speaking slide-rules.
Turn over and start. Good luck.
Where's the Captain's office?
It's over there, where
it says "Captain's Office".
- Where it's always said "Captain's Office"
- So that's the Captain's office!
- So, how are you, then?
- Fine.
Do you know what he
wants to see me for?
Yes, I think you've been
promoted to Admiral!
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
For your diligence and
general devotion to duty.
Oh, yeah?
Lister!
You asked to see me, Captain?
- Where's the cat?
- What? What cat?
Lister, not only are you so stupid
you bring aboard an unquarantined animal
and jeopardise every man
and woman on this ship...
not only that, but you take a
photograph of yourself with the cat
and sent it to be
processed in the ship's lab.
Now, I'm gonna ask you
again, do you have a cat?
- No.
- Have you got a cat?
Yes, that one.
- Where did you get it, Titan?
- Yes.
Don't you realise that thing
could be carrying anything?!
Don't you remember what happened
on the Oregon with the rabbits?
Lister, a loose animal aboard
this ship could get anywhere.
It could get into the air ducts.
It could get into Holly.
You know, a little nibble here
and a little nibble there, Lister,
and before you know it,
we're flying backwards.
Now, I want that cat, and I want it NOW.
Sir, just suppose I did have a cat. Just suppose.
What would you do with Frankenstein?
I'd send it down to the medical centre,
and I'd have it cut up and tests run on it.
Would you put it back
together, when you'd finished?
Lister, the cat would be dead.
So, with respect, sir,
what's in it for the cat?
Lister, give me that cat!
It's not that easy as that! Me and
the cat, we're gonna have a baby cat,
and we're going to buy a farm on Fiji,
and we're gonna have a sheep
and a cow and three horses.
It's me plan, and no one can get in the way of it,
not even you, and I do respect you.
- Sir!
- Oh, Lister,
do you want to go into stasis for the rest
of the trip and forfeit 18 months' wages?
- No
- Do you wanna hand over that cat?
- No!
- Choose.
Look, Dave, no one wants
to go through with this.
It's OK, I can handle it.
- Rimmer, are you all right?
- I can't really remember.
I think I did quite well.
- Is this going to hurt?
- Haven't you ever travelled interstellar?
- No
- Ah, you don't feel a thing.
The stasis room creates
a static field of time.
See, just as X-rays can't pass through lead,
time cannot penetrate the stasis field.
So, although you exist,
you no longer exist in time
and for you time itself does not exist.
You see, although you're still a mass, you
are no longer an event in space-time,
you are a non-event mass
with a quantum probability of zero.
Oh, simple as that, eh?
- OK, I'm ready.
- See you in 18 months.
- Holly, activate the stasis field.
- OK, Frank.
Good morning, Dave. It is now
safe for you to emerge from stasis.
I've only just gone in!
Please proceed to the
Drive Room for debriefing.
Where is everybody, Hol?
- They're dead, Dave.
- Who is?
- Everybody, Dave.
- What, Captain Hollister?
- Everybody's dead, Dave.
- What, Todhunter?
- Everybody's dead, Dave.
- What, Selby?
They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave.
- Petersen isn't, is he?
- Everybody is dead, Dave.
- Not Chen?
- Gordon Bennet! Yes, Chen, everybody.
- Everybody's dead, Dave.
- Rimmer?
He's dead, Dave. Everybody is dead.
Everybody, is, dead, Dave!
Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?
I should've never let
him out in the first place.
How?
The drive plate was
inefficiently repaired.
It blew, and the entire crew was
subjected to a lethal dose of Cadmium-2
before I could seal the area.
Oh, this is terrible. And why's it so
dirty around here, Hol? What is this stuff?
That is Catering Officer Olaf Petersen.
Aaaah! I've been eating half the crew!
- Who's that?
- That's Captain Hollister.
- And that's Todhunter.
- No, that's Second Technician Rimmer.
Oh, yeah? I didn't recognise him
without his report book.
What was Rimmer
doing in the Drive Room?
He was explaining to the Captain why
he hadn't sealed the drive plate properly.
So wait, Hol. How long was I in stasis?
Well, I couldn't release you until the
radiation reached a safe background level
- How long?
- Three million years.
Three million years!
I've still got that library book.
What about Krissie?
What about Krissie Kochanski?
- She's dead, Dave.
- Aw, hey!
I don't suppose it's any
consolation, but if she were
still alive, the age difference
would be insurmountable.
She was part of me plan.
I never got round to telling her, but
she was going to come with me to Fiji.
She was to wear a white dress
and ride the horses.
I was going to take care of everything
else. It was me plan. I planned it.
Well, she won't be much use to you on Fiji now....
not unless it snows and you need
something to grit the path with.
- Holly?!
- Sorry. I'm sorry about that.
I've been on me own for three million years,
and I'm just used to saying what I think.
I think I've gone a bit
peculiar, to tell you the truth.
So everyone's dead?
I'm on me own? There's just me?
- Well, technically speaking, yeah.
- What do you mean, "technically speaking"?
Hello, Lister. Long time no see.
- Rimmer, you're a hologram!
- Yes. That's because I'm dead.
Dead as a can of Spam.
And it's all thanks to you.
- Me? What did I do?
- If you hadn't kept that stupid cat, Lister
and hadn't been sent to stasis,
I would have had some help
when I was mending the drive
plate and I wouldn't be dead.
- What does it feel like?
- Death?
It's like being on holiday
with a group of Germans.
No, I mean being a hologram.
Do you mind? Being a hologram is fine, Lister.
I still have the same drives,
the same feelings, the same emotions,
but I can't touch anything.
Never again will I be able
to brush a rose against my cheek,
cradle a laughing child,
or interfere with a woman sexually.
Rimmer, you never used to do
any of those things anyway!
- I would have one day, murderer.
- Hey! Hey! I didn't do anything!
It was YOU who didn't fix
the drive plates properly.
- Is this me here?
- Yeah.
- Me?
- Come on, Rimmer, look on the bright side.
The bright side? What bright side?
I'm dead. I'm composed entirely of light,
and I'm alone in space with
a man who'd lose a battle
of wits with a stuffed iguana.
Where's the bright side?
What's an iguana?
Look, look, you're not dead, are ya?
I mean, you're dead! But not "dead" dead,
cause you're still here, aren't ya?
Lister, I'm not really here!
I'm not really me! Don't you see?
I'm a computer simulation of me.
That's me, there,
that pile of albino mouse droppings.
Come on. Lots of people have died.
Lots of people have died and gone on
and done really, really well.
You're a hologram. So what?
I suppose you're right, Lister.
I've got to pull myself together.
But you've got to help me. You've
got to be my hands and my touch.
I know the sort of things you like
to touch. No way, Rimmer. Forget it.
Are you smoking, Lister? In the Drive Room?
Yeah. I stopped for a while,
but I'm back on them now.
You're on report, squire.
I can't write it down. I'll remember it.
Ohhh! Rimmer, I know it's wrong of
me to speak ill of the dead and all that
- but you're still a smeghead.
- I beg your pardon?
I said, you're still a smeghead.
Lister, do you have any
conception of the penalty
for describing a deceased
superior technician as a smeghead?
- Will you listen to me? Just listen to me. Just shut up, just shut up!
Aaahhh! Aow! Eeee!
Aow, eee, how am I looking?
Looking nice. No, wait a minute.
I'm looking better than nice.
I'm looking dangerous.
Aaaoooww. Dangerous! Aaaooowww!
Hey, what's that?
Oh, it's my shadow.
Hey, even my shadow's looking nice.
I'm looking nice. My shadow's
looking nice. What a team!
We are unbelievable! OK, team, this way.
No, this way. Aaaooowww...
Aaaoowww, yeah. This way!
Lister, just hold your
horses, listen to me...
Aaaooowww!
Uh, oh! Better make myself look big!
Hee hee! Fearsome. I was fearsome!
# Just me and my shadow, ooohhh! #
Come on, boy! # Walking down the... #
Aaahhh! Holly, what was that?
During the radioactive crisis, Dave,
your cat and her kittens
were safely sealed in the hold,
and they've been breeding
there for three million years,
and have evolved into the
life-form you just saw in the corridor.
I don't get it.
Well, you know how
mankind evolved from apes?
Yeah, I know that.
He evolved from cats. His ancestors were cats.
He descended from cats. He is a cat.
Aaahhh, ooohhh, yeah...
Hello... Cat?
Whoa! Crease!
Stand back, Lister.
(SHOUTS INCOHERENTLY)
- Here you go, Cat.
- Ah, crispies!
- Holly says you like these.
- Mmmm!
Hey! You monkeys eat off the floor?
Ain't you got no style or sophistication?
I'm sorry, Cat. I'm sorry.
You people are unbelievable.
Where are all your other
your catty friends, Cat?
Good crispies, man!
Where are your other little kitties? Are they
gone? Are they dead? Have they left, yet?
Who cares? I want it off the ship!
No! He's coming home with us, aren't you, Cat?
Home? And where exactly
is 'home' supposed to be?
Earth.
Earth?! What makes you
think there'll BE any Earth, Lister
And even if there is, look what it's done
to a household pet in three million years.
Can you imagine what
humankind has evolved into?
To them, you'll be the equivalent of the
slime that first crawled out the oceans.
- I could smarten meself up a bit.
- Nah, you're a dinosaur.
- You're extinct, you've got nothing.
- Hey! Hey! I've still got me plan.
And I've still got a cat. Okay, it's
not Frankenstein, but it's still a cat.
- Did you say Frankenstein?
- Yeah.
She was your great, great, great,
great, great, great grandmother or something.
The Holy Mother? The Virgin Birth?
No one believes that stuff.
The Virgin Birth?!
No, it was a big black tom on Titan.
Frankenstein, yeah! I remember
that stuff from kitty school.
The Holy Mother, saved
by Cloister the Stupid,
who was frozen in time,
and who gaveth of his
life that we might live.
No! No, it's not Cloister, it's me, it's Lister!
It's Lister the...stupid?!
who shall returneth to lead us
to Fuchal, the Promised Land.
No, it's not Fuchal, it's Fiji!
I will! I'll lead you there.
That's where we're going.
Holly, plot a course for Fiji.
Look out, Earth. The slime's coming home!
# It's cold outside,
There's no kind of atmosphere
# I'm all alone, more or less
# Let me fly far away from here
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
# Drinking fresh mango juice
# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun #
