What about the sheep? What are you going to do? Buy them water wings?
Fit them with stilts?
Better still, you could cross-breed them with dolphins and have leaping mutton!
Baa, pssh, baa, pssh.
You can get a drainage grant these days.
Why bother, Lister? You could be the first man to produce wet-look knitwear!
Look, this is why I never, ever said anything
to you, I knew you'd say something like this.
Lister, you've got the brain of a cheese sandwich.
(YOKEL VOICE) "Mornin', Farmer Lister!
"Oim just poppin' down to the shops in my submarine. Can I buy you anything?"
(SHIPS HORN BLARES)
The "Welcome Back George Mcintyre" reception is about to begin in the refectory
George says he'd like to invite everybody
especially those who weren't able to attend his funeral
- Have you seen Rimmer's arm? - No, I'm waiting for it to come out in paperback!
Petersen, have you got a coin?
I've just been shown this great new intelligence test.
What you gotta do is force the coin onto your forehead.
and then the more times you can bang yourself on the head
without it falling off, the more intelligent you are.
- You gonna go for it? - (ALL) He's going for it!
- Are you ready? Can you feel it? - Yeah!
Can you feel it? Go!
(ALL) Go on! Go for it!
(ALL) Brrr...brrr...brrr.
- Brrr...brrr..brrr... - Sh! sh!
Folks, today is a day for both sadness and joy.
Sadness for the passing away of George, and joy,
because George is back with us... albeit as a hologram.
Now some of you may not have travelled with a hologram before
so I ask you to treat him as a normal man,
because he is in every respect like George.
He has George's personality, and George's knowledge and experience.
Of course, he can't lift anything or touch anything,
so I ask you to cooperate with his requests.
And please take every care not to walk through him,
not even when you're in a hurry. Thank you.
(ALL) Whoa! Whoa! - Speech! Speech!
I want to thank everybody for giving me such a marvellous funeral.
I've just seen the vid.
And I want to thank the Captain for his beautiful eulogy.
Beautiful.
But i still don't understand why didn't he use the one I wrote?!
This must seem pretty spooky for everyone,
but I don't want you to think of me as someone who's dead,
more as someone who's no longer a threat to your marriages.
I think Joe knows what I'm talking about!
As you know, Holly's only capable of sustaining one hologram.
So, my advice to anyone more vital to the mission than me is:
if you die, I'll kill you.
Please be upstanding for the cutting of the cake.
Flight Coordinator George Mcintyre.
(ALL) George!
(LISTER GARGLES)
OK. Just one thing before the disco.
Holly tells me he has sensed a non-human life form aboard.
Sir, it's Rimmer!
We don't know what it is, Lister. So just be careful, OK?
I'm turning you in, Rimmer.
(GROUP) Ooooh!
Right, they're bound to ask the right thigh,
which is 10%.
They must ask the left thigh, which is 20%.
They've got to ask one of the forearms.
Which means I've passed already! Anything on the left shin's a bonus!
Right. CUTIE: current under tension is...
What's this? Current under tension is equal?
Current under tension is expandable?
Current under tension is expensive?
What does this mean? What does any of this mean?
I've covered my body in complete and utter
and total absolute nonsense gibberish!
Aaaargh! Just relax, relax, relax, relax...
Er, plus 20% of the ship's course minus
the Pythagoras theorem multiplied by two over the x axis
minus one equals the total velocity of Red Dwarf,
which means I know everything about astro-engineering.
Good morning, Lister, for probably the last time.
You've got it all down, have you, Rimmer?
Couple of blanks, but I think we're there.
So you can't remember anything?
Think what you will, Lister.
Rimmer, F-I-S-H, that's how you spell "Fish", and you just keel over.
I'm sure it'll all come flooding back to ya.
Dry up, Lister. (INTERCOM HONKS)
Entrants for the engineer's examination,
now make their way to the teaching room.
Well, Rimmer, honestly, good luck.
It's all right, Lister. I'm in complete and total control.
Lock! Lock!
(CAT MIAOWS)
Frankenstein! Come on, Frankenstein!
Oh, you're getting really big now, you know?
I hope it's not twins. You've already got all me milk ration.
Never mind, when the baby cat comes, maybe we can give it water and pretend it's milk.
It's only a baby cat, it won't know, eh?
Do you want to see my picture of Fiji again, Frankie?
You're gonna love it there. Look.
OK, everybody. You've got three hours.
No modems, no speaking slide-rules.
Turn over and start. Good luck.
Where's the Captain's office?
It's over there, where it says "Captain's Office".
- Where it's always said "Captain's Office" - So that's the Captain's office!
- So, how are you, then? - Fine.
Do you know what he wants to see me for?
Yes, I think you've been promoted to Admiral!
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
For your diligence and general devotion to duty.
Oh, yeah?
Lister!
You asked to see me, Captain?
- Where's the cat? - What? What cat?
Lister, not only are you so stupid
you bring aboard an unquarantined animal
and jeopardise every man and woman on this ship...
not only that, but you take a photograph of yourself with the cat
and sent it to be processed in the ship's lab.
Now, I'm gonna ask you again, do you have a cat?
- No. - Have you got a cat?
Yes, that one.
- Where did you get it, Titan? - Yes.
Don't you realise that thing could be carrying anything?!
Don't you remember what happened on the Oregon with the rabbits?
Lister, a loose animal aboard this ship could get anywhere.
It could get into the air ducts. It could get into Holly.
You know, a little nibble here and a little nibble there, Lister,
and before you know it, we're flying backwards.
Now, I want that cat, and I want it NOW.
Sir, just suppose I did have a cat. Just suppose.
What would you do with Frankenstein?
I'd send it down to the medical centre, and I'd have it cut up and tests run on it.
Would you put it back together, when you'd finished?
Lister, the cat would be dead.
So, with respect, sir, what's in it for the cat?
Lister, give me that cat!
It's not that easy as that! Me and the cat, we're gonna have a baby cat,
and we're going to buy a farm on Fiji,
and we're gonna have a sheep and a cow and three horses.
It's me plan, and no one can get in the way of it, not even you, and I do respect you.
- Sir! - Oh, Lister,
do you want to go into stasis for the rest of the trip and forfeit 18 months' wages?
- No - Do you wanna hand over that cat?
- No! - Choose.
Look, Dave, no one wants to go through with this.
It's OK, I can handle it.
- Rimmer, are you all right? - I can't really remember.
I think I did quite well.
- Is this going to hurt? - Haven't you ever travelled interstellar?
- No - Ah, you don't feel a thing.
The stasis room creates a static field of time.
See, just as X-rays can't pass through lead, time cannot penetrate the stasis field.
So, although you exist, you no longer exist in time
and for you time itself does not exist.
You see, although you're still a mass, you are no longer an event in space-time,
you are a non-event mass with a quantum probability of zero.
Oh, simple as that, eh?
- OK, I'm ready. - See you in 18 months.
- Holly, activate the stasis field. - OK, Frank.
Good morning, Dave. It is now safe for you to emerge from stasis.
I've only just gone in!
Please proceed to the Drive Room for debriefing.
Where is everybody, Hol?
- They're dead, Dave. - Who is?
- Everybody, Dave. - What, Captain Hollister?
- Everybody's dead, Dave. - What, Todhunter?
- Everybody's dead, Dave. - What, Selby?
They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave.
- Petersen isn't, is he? - Everybody is dead, Dave.
- Not Chen? - Gordon Bennet! Yes, Chen, everybody.
- Everybody's dead, Dave. - Rimmer?
He's dead, Dave. Everybody is dead. Everybody, is, dead, Dave!
Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?
I should've never let him out in the first place.
How?
The drive plate was inefficiently repaired.
It blew, and the entire crew was subjected to a lethal dose of Cadmium-2
before I could seal the area.
Oh, this is terrible. And why's it so dirty around here, Hol? What is this stuff?
That is Catering Officer Olaf Petersen.
Aaaah! I've been eating half the crew!
- Who's that? - That's Captain Hollister.
- And that's Todhunter. - No, that's Second Technician Rimmer.
Oh, yeah? I didn't recognise him without his report book.
What was Rimmer doing in the Drive Room?
He was explaining to the Captain why he hadn't sealed the drive plate properly.
So wait, Hol. How long was I in stasis?
Well, I couldn't release you until the radiation reached a safe background level
- How long? - Three million years.
Three million years!
I've still got that library book.
What about Krissie? What about Krissie Kochanski?
- She's dead, Dave. - Aw, hey!
I don't suppose it's any consolation, but if she were
still alive, the age difference would be insurmountable.
She was part of me plan.
I never got round to telling her, but she was going to come with me to Fiji.
She was to wear a white dress and ride the horses.
I was going to take care of everything else. It was me plan. I planned it.
Well, she won't be much use to you on Fiji now....
not unless it snows and you need something to grit the path with.
- Holly?! - Sorry. I'm sorry about that.
I've been on me own for three million years, and I'm just used to saying what I think.
I think I've gone a bit peculiar, to tell you the truth.
So everyone's dead? I'm on me own? There's just me?
- Well, technically speaking, yeah. - What do you mean, "technically speaking"?
Hello, Lister. Long time no see.
- Rimmer, you're a hologram! - Yes. That's because I'm dead.
Dead as a can of Spam. And it's all thanks to you.
- Me? What did I do? - If you hadn't kept that stupid cat, Lister
and hadn't been sent to stasis, I would have had some help
when I was mending the drive plate and I wouldn't be dead.
- What does it feel like? - Death?
It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans.
No, I mean being a hologram.
Do you mind? Being a hologram is fine, Lister.
I still have the same drives, the same feelings, the same emotions,
but I can't touch anything.
Never again will I be able to brush a rose against my cheek,
cradle a laughing child,
or interfere with a woman sexually.
Rimmer, you never used to do any of those things anyway!
- I would have one day, murderer. - Hey! Hey! I didn't do anything!
It was YOU who didn't fix the drive plates properly.
- Is this me here? - Yeah.
- Me? - Come on, Rimmer, look on the bright side.
The bright side? What bright side?
I'm dead. I'm composed entirely of light,
and I'm alone in space with a man who'd lose a battle
of wits with a stuffed iguana. Where's the bright side?
What's an iguana?
Look, look, you're not dead, are ya?
I mean, you're dead! But not "dead" dead, cause you're still here, aren't ya?
Lister, I'm not really here! I'm not really me! Don't you see?
I'm a computer simulation of me.
That's me, there, that pile of albino mouse droppings.
Come on. Lots of people have died.
Lots of people have died and gone on and done really, really well.
You're a hologram. So what?
I suppose you're right, Lister. I've got to pull myself together.
But you've got to help me. You've got to be my hands and my touch.
I know the sort of things you like to touch. No way, Rimmer. Forget it.
Are you smoking, Lister? In the Drive Room?
Yeah. I stopped for a while, but I'm back on them now.
You're on report, squire.
I can't write it down. I'll remember it.
Ohhh! Rimmer, I know it's wrong of me to speak ill of the dead and all that
- but you're still a smeghead. - I beg your pardon?
I said, you're still a smeghead.
Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty
for describing a deceased superior technician as a smeghead?
- Will you listen to me? Just listen to me. Just shut up, just shut up!
Aaahhh! Aow! Eeee!
Aow, eee, how am I looking?
Looking nice. No, wait a minute.
I'm looking better than nice. I'm looking dangerous.
Aaaoooww. Dangerous! Aaaooowww! Hey, what's that?
Oh, it's my shadow. Hey, even my shadow's looking nice.
I'm looking nice. My shadow's looking nice. What a team!
We are unbelievable! OK, team, this way.
No, this way. Aaaooowww...
Aaaoowww, yeah. This way!
Lister, just hold your horses, listen to me...
Aaaooowww!
Uh, oh! Better make myself look big!
Hee hee! Fearsome. I was fearsome!
# Just me and my shadow, ooohhh! #
Come on, boy! # Walking down the... #
Aaahhh! Holly, what was that?
During the radioactive crisis, Dave, your cat and her kittens
were safely sealed in the hold,
and they've been breeding there for three million years,
and have evolved into the life-form you just saw in the corridor.
I don't get it.
Well, you know how mankind evolved from apes?
Yeah, I know that.
He evolved from cats. His ancestors were cats.
He descended from cats. He is a cat.
Aaahhh, ooohhh, yeah...
Hello... Cat?
Whoa! Crease!
Stand back, Lister. (SHOUTS INCOHERENTLY)
- Here you go, Cat. - Ah, crispies!
- Holly says you like these. - Mmmm!
Hey! You monkeys eat off the floor?
Ain't you got no style or sophistication?
I'm sorry, Cat. I'm sorry.
You people are unbelievable.
Where are all your other your catty friends, Cat?
Good crispies, man!
Where are your other little kitties? Are they gone? Are they dead? Have they left, yet?
Who cares? I want it off the ship!
No! He's coming home with us, aren't you, Cat?
Home? And where exactly is 'home' supposed to be?
Earth.
Earth?! What makes you think there'll BE any Earth, Lister
And even if there is, look what it's done to a household pet in three million years.
Can you imagine what humankind has evolved into?
To them, you'll be the equivalent of the slime that first crawled out the oceans.
- I could smarten meself up a bit. - Nah, you're a dinosaur.
- You're extinct, you've got nothing. - Hey! Hey! I've still got me plan.
And I've still got a cat. Okay, it's not Frankenstein, but it's still a cat.
- Did you say Frankenstein? - Yeah.
She was your great, great, great, great, great, great grandmother or something.
The Holy Mother? The Virgin Birth? No one believes that stuff.
The Virgin Birth?!
No, it was a big black tom on Titan.
Frankenstein, yeah! I remember that stuff from kitty school.
The Holy Mother, saved by Cloister the Stupid,
who was frozen in time,
and who gaveth of his life that we might live.
No! No, it's not Cloister, it's me, it's Lister!
It's Lister the...stupid?!
who shall returneth to lead us to Fuchal, the Promised Land.
No, it's not Fuchal, it's Fiji!
I will! I'll lead you there.
That's where we're going. Holly, plot a course for Fiji.
Look out, Earth. The slime's coming home!
# It's cold outside, There's no kind of atmosphere
# I'm all alone, more or less
# Let me fly far away from here
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
# Drinking fresh mango juice
# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun #
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