Smega-Drive
by Ganymede & Titan
Series 1 - The End - All scenes
(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC)
# To Ganymede and Titan,
Yes, sir, I've been around... #
Lister, have you ever been hit
over the head with a welding mallet?
No? Then shut up and push the trolley.
Yes, sir, Rimmer!
Right. Corridor 159.
(LISTER HUMS THE SAME TUNE)
Lister, shut up!
- I'm only humming!
- Well, don't.
Don't hum and don't make any
stupid sounds with your cheeks.
(CLICKS TUNE WITH HIS THROAT)
Lister, one more sound, anything,
and you're on report, miladdo.
What job number's this?
(LISTER MIMES HIS ANSWER)
Right! That's it!
"Lister, D., Third Technician.
"Offence: obstructing a superior technician
"by humming, clicking and being quiet.?
When the Captain sees this, you're dead.
- Rimmer, I'm bored!
- Bored?!
This is essential routine maintenance.
It's absolutely vital for the well-being
of this crew, this mission and this ship.
"Dispenser 172: chicken soup nozzle clogged."
Pass me a 14B, Lister.
Lister, is this a 14B?
Does it look even remotely like a 14B?
This is a 14B, Lister.
This is a 14F. Are you blind?
- Who cares?
- I care, Lister!
It's my career, Lister,
I'm the one who gets it in the neck
if an officer comes along, orders chicken soup,
and gets blackcurrant cordial
with blancmange, two creams and a sugar.
Chicken soup.
(THE MACHINE HUMS)
Yep. That's working.
It's stupid anyway,
all this maintenance business.
The only reason they don't give
this job to the service robots
is they've got a better union than us.
That is absolute nonsense.
Right. What's next?
"Botanical gardens: faulty porous circuit.
"In corridor 147: sticking door.?
It's true, you know, though, Rimmer.
You rank below all four of those service robots.
Even the one that's gone absolutely mad.
Well, Lister, not for long, matey.
Up, up, up! That's where I'm going!
Not until you pass your engineer's exam.
And you won't do that because you'll
just go in there and flunk again.
Lister, last time I only failed
by the "narrowest? of narrow margins.
You what? You walked in there, wrote,
"I am a fish," 400 times,
did a funny little dance, and fainted.
- That's a total lie!
- No, it's not! Petersen told me.
(MOCK SCOUSE ACCENT)
"No, it's not! Petersen told me.?
Lister, if you must know. What I did was,
I wrote a discourse on porous circuits
which was simply
too "radical?, too "unconventional",
too "mould-breaking" for the
examiners to accept!
Yeah. You said you were a fish.
- Is that a cigarette you're smoking, Lister?
- No, it's a chicken.
Right! You're on report.
Two times in as many minutes, Lister. I don't know!
- Rimmer, Lister.
- Yes, sir.
Yo, Todhunter, get down!
Indeed. Now, Rimmer, I'm just going
through McIntyre's artifacts,
and I see that you've filed
247 complaints... against Lister.
- Yes, sir!
- That's 123 counts of "insulting a superior technician"
39 counts of "dereliction of duty",
84 counts of "general insubordination",
- and one count of "mutiny".
- Yes, sir!
- "Mutiny", Lister?
- I stood on his toe.
- Maliciously, and with intent to wound.
- It was an accident!
Lister, I put it to you. How is it possible to stand
on one small toe by accident?
You didn't stand on my toe at all,
you stood on my entire foot,
thereby obstructing a superior technician
in pursuit of vital duty.
But the "vital duty" was him going
to snap my guitar in half!
Whereupon you leapt from the top bunk
onto the whole of my right foot.
- Alright, that's enough.
- Had there been a crisis situation, Lister,
I would have had to perform
my duties hopping
clearly putting the ship at risk,
clearly, therefore mutiny.
- Finished?
- However, I'm not vindictive man,
so I won't intend to apply
for the death penalty.
There are 169 people onboard this ship.
You, Rimmer, are over one man.
Why can't you two get on?
You, see I try, sir.
I'm not an insubordinate man by nature.
I try to respect Rimmer and everything,
but it's not easy.
He's such a smeghead.
Did you hear that, sir?
Lister, do you have any conception
of the penalty for describing
a superior technician as a 'smeghead'?
Oh, Rimmer. You ARE a smeghead.
You heard that, Lister!
With respect, sir,
your career's over, Todhunter,
you're finished you big lig!
We're all gathered here today
to pay our last respects to George McIntyre.
George was an excellent officer
and as good a friend as anyone
could ever hope to have.
He'll be missed more deeply and
more completely than he could ever know.
I now commend his ashes
to the stars he loved so much.
Goodbye, George, we'll miss you.
(WHOOSH)
This is a piece of music he specially requested.
Start the tape, please, Holly
# See you later, alligator
In a while, crocodile... #
There goes McIntyre.
#...so long! Goodbye! #
Bye George.
- That was George!
- Really, I thought it was Mary Queen of Scots!
- So anybody for a sherry?
Off!
- Hey, I was watching that!
- Well, tough!
You touch that guitar, Lister, I'll remove
the E string and garrotte you with it.
Can I do anything? Is it OK
if I breathe? Can I breathe?
Lister, I have an exam tomorrow
which I intend to pass!
I know, yeah, by cheating.
This is not cheating!
It is merely an aid to memory.
It helps me marshal the facts
already at my command.
What does? Copying the entire
textbooks onto your body?
Wby don't you hand your body in
and let them mark that?
Lister, so you think it is easy for someone
like me to become an officer?
Someone who wasn't Academy educated?
Someone who didn't have
the right nobby background?
Someone who didn't
have the right parents?
You didn't have right parents?
Whose parents did you have?
MY parents. The wrong parents.
I'm just saying, y'know, if you can't
pass fair and square, why bother?
Well you would, Lister,
because you've no ambition, no drive.
You're perfectly content to
be the lowest rank on this ship.
I'm not the lowest rank on this ship.
What about the laboratory mice?
Tell the mice to do something
and they've got to jump to it.
"Yes, Mr Lister, sir! Eee, eee, eee.?
Lister, you are a nothing.
I'm not a nothing. I've got me plan.
What's that, to be the slobbiest
entity in the entire universe?
No. Me Five Year Plan.
You see, I'm going to do two more trips.
I've been saving up all me pay...
- Since when?
- Since always.
That's why I never buy any soap, deodorant,
socks or anything like that. Y'know?
I'm going to buy meself a little farm on Fiji
and I'm going to get a sheep
and a cow and breed horses.
- With a sheep and a cow?
- No, with horses and horses.
- On Fiji?
- Yeah! The prices there are unbelievable.
Yes, because they had a volcanic eruption,
and now most of Fiji's
three feet below sea level!
It's only three feet. They can wade.
That's why the animals are
gonna have to be quite tall.
Nice plan, Lister! Excellent plan!
Brilliant plan, Lister!
What about the sheep? What are you
going to do? Buy them water wings?
Fit them with stilts?
Better still, you could cross-breed them
with dolphins and have leaping mutton!
Baa, pssh, baa, pssh.
You can get a drainage grant these days.
Why bother, Lister? You could be the
first man to produce wet-look knitwear!
Look, this is why I
never, ever said anything
to you, I knew you'd
say something like this.
Lister, you've got the
brain of a cheese sandwich.
(YOKEL VOICE) "Mornin', Farmer Lister!
"Oim just poppin' down to the shops in my submarine.
Can I buy you anything?"
(SHIPS HORN BLARES)
The "Welcome Back George Mcintyre?
reception is about to begin in the refectory
George says he'd like to invite everybody
especially those who weren't
able to attend his funeral
- Have you seen Rimmer's arm?
- No, I'm waiting for it to come out in paperback!
Petersen, have you got a coin?
I've just been shown this
great new intelligence test.
What you gotta do is force
the coin onto your forehead.
and then the more times you
can bang yourself on the head
without it falling off, the
more intelligent you are.
- You gonna go for it?
- (ALL) He's going for it!
- Are you ready? Can you feel it?
- Yeah!
Can you feel it? Go!
(ALL) Go on! Go for it!
(ALL) Brrr...brrr...brrr.
- Brrr...brrr..brrr...
- Sh! sh!
Folks, today is a day
for both sadness and joy.
Sadness for the passing
away of George, and joy,
because George is back
with us... albeit as a hologram.
Now some of you may not have
travelled with a hologram before
so I ask you to
treat him as a normal man,
because he is in every respect like George.
He has George's personality, and
George's knowledge and experience.
Of course, he can't lift
anything or touch anything,
so I ask you to cooperate with his requests.
And please take every care
not to walk through him,
not even when you're in a hurry. Thank you.
(ALL) Whoa! Whoa!
- Speech! Speech!
I want to thank everybody
for giving me such a marvellous funeral.
I've just seen the vid.
And I want to thank the Captain
for his beautiful eulogy.
Beautiful.
But i still don't understand why
didn't he use the one I wrote?!
This must seem pretty spooky for everyone,
but I don't want you to think
of me as someone who's dead,
more as someone who's no longer
a threat to your marriages.
I think Joe knows
what I'm talking about!
As you know, Holly's only
capable of sustaining one hologram.
So, my advice to anyone
more vital to the mission than me is:
if you die, I'll kill you.
Please be upstanding for the cutting of the cake.
Flight Coordinator George Mcintyre.
(ALL) George!
(LISTER GARGLES)
OK. Just one thing before the disco.
Holly tells me he has sensed
a non-human life form aboard.
Sir, it's Rimmer!
We don't know what it is, Lister.
So just be careful, OK?
I'm turning you in, Rimmer.
(GROUP) Ooooh!
Right, they're bound
to ask the right thigh,
which is 10%.
They must ask the left thigh, which is 20%.
They've got to ask one of the forearms.
Which means I've passed already!
Anything on the left shin's a bonus!
Right. CUTIE: current under tension is...
What's this? Current under tension is equal?
Current under tension is expandable?
Current under tension is expensive?
What does this mean?
What does any of this mean?
I've covered my body in complete and utter
and total absolute nonsense gibberish!
Aaaargh! Just relax, relax, relax, relax...
Er, plus 20% of the ship's course minus
the Pythagoras theorem
multiplied by two over the x axis
minus one equals the total
velocity of Red Dwarf,
which means I know everything
about astro-engineering.
Good morning, Lister,
for probably the last time.
You've got it all down,
have you, Rimmer?
Couple of blanks, but I think we're there.
So you can't remember anything?
Think what you will, Lister.
Rimmer, F-I-S-H, that's how you
spell "Fish", and you just keel over.
I'm sure it'll all come flooding back to ya.
Dry up, Lister.
(INTERCOM HONKS)
Entrants for the engineer's examination,
now make their way to the teaching room.
Well, Rimmer, honestly, good luck.
It's all right, Lister.
I'm in complete and total control.
Lock! Lock!
(CAT MIAOWS)
Frankenstein! Come on, Frankenstein!
Oh, you're getting really big now, you know?
I hope it's not twins.
You've already got all me milk ration.
Never mind, when the baby cat comes, maybe
we can give it water and pretend it's milk.
It's only a baby cat, it won't know, eh?
Do you want to see my
picture of Fiji again, Frankie?
You're gonna love it there. Look.
OK, everybody. You've got three hours.
No modems, no speaking slide-rules.
Turn over and start. Good luck.
Where's the Captain's office?
It's over there, where
it says "Captain's Office".
- Where it's always said "Captain's Office"
- So that's the Captain's office!
- So, how are you, then?
- Fine.
Do you know what he
wants to see me for?
Yes, I think you've been
promoted to Admiral!
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
For your diligence and
general devotion to duty.