(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC)
Three million years from Earth,
the mining ship Red Dwarf.
Its crew: Dave Lister, the last human alive,
Arnold Rimmer,
a hologram of his dead bunkmate,
and a creature who evolved
from the ship's cat. Message ends.
Additional: on our journey back to Earth,
we have encountered many strange and bizarre things.
Only last month, we came across a moon which
was shaped like Felicity Kendal's bottom.
We flew around that one a couple of times.
OK.
Rimmer, make this quick.
Sir, I wish to place on record that Third Technician Lister, David...
Quicker than that, Rimmer...
..smuggled aboard the mining
vessel Red Dwarf a consignment
of the hallucinogenic fungi Titan mushrooms,
more popularly known to the space
beatnik community as "freaky fungus".
- Is this true?
- Erm. Sort of.
... and on the morning of February
the 26th at 0800 hours
did engage in conversation with
Second Technician Rimmer, Arnold J...
For crying out loud, Rimmer!
The outcome of which was a
proposal by the aforementioned Lister
to the aforementioned Rimmer to cook him breakfast.
- OK, I'm getting the picture.
- Breakfast comprised of two eggs, three rashers of bacon,
a grilled tomato, two sausages, a small portion of
fried potatoes and a large quantity of mushrooms.
Having consumed this repast,
Second Technician Rimmer, Arnold J, experienced
what can only be described
as a voyage to trip-out city.
To wit, a major hallucinogenic fit.
- Lister, is this true?
- No, sir.
I'm sure it was only one egg.
The aforementioned Rimmer, to wit, me,
then attended inspection parade.
He was totally naked,
except for a pair of mock leather driving gloves
and some blue swimming goggles.
Under the influence of this psychedelic breakfast,
he went on to attack two senior officers,
believing them to be giraffes
who were armed and dangerous.
- You'd better have a good reason for this, Lister.
- I have, sir.
- Why'd you do it?
- I thought it'd be a laugh.
Right. Two weeks PD, Lister. Dismissed.
With respect, sir, the penalty
for a crime of this nature is 15 years' imprisonment.
- Thanks a lot!
- Rimmer, I said dismissed.
- Two weeks?!
- That's enough.
- Two smegging weeks?!
- I said that is enough!
With respect, sir, you've got your head right
up your big, fat arse.
Eight weeks PD! How come I get
eight weeks, you get only two?
What did I do to deserve
that? What did I do?
- You shouldn't have stuck your pencil up his nose.
- It was the rubber end. Plus the doctor will get it out in no time.
You ripped up and ate his wife's photograph.
I didn't know it was his wife.
I thought it was a publicity shot from Planet Of The Apes.
- Two teas.
- (MAN) Excuse me.
Listen, man, I'm sorry about those mushrooms, y'know?
I mean, I didn't know. I'm not totally reckless and irresponsible, for God's sake.
I mean, when it comes down to it.
I'm a pretty straight and honest geezer.
Where'd you get them?
I nicked them. They were in the kitchens.
They must've belonged to Headbanger Harris.
- Why didn't you tell the captain, this?
- What, and get someone into trouble?
Oh no? Eight weeks painting the smegging ship?
- I'm sorry.
- Get the spacesuits.
(RIMMER'S VOICE) I don't want you to panic, Arnold.
I want you to stay absolutely calm.
I'm coming out in a moment, and I want you to
keep your cool. Are you ready? Here I come.
There. That wasn't too bad, was it?
Look, we found a stasis leak on Floor 16.
I'm dead, now. And you're not, but if I
save you, you won't die, so I won't die.
And you won't be dead
either. And neither will I!
- Good book?
- Yeah, it's all right.
- I didn't think you read.
- I don't much, but this is good.
- What is it?
- It's your diary.
What?!
I didn't know you sent secret
love letters to Carol McCauley?
Lister, that is my private, personal, private diary,
full of personal, private, personal things.
It's gone public.
- I don't believe it! You've been reading it out to the Cat?
- Only the best bits!
"Carol McCauley, your eyes are like
two limpid pools of loveliness."
- Shut up.
- "Your hair is like a golden waterfall."
- Shut up.
- "Plus those short skirts you wear make me really horny."
Lister, I order you to shut your face.
- It's no big deal, yknow? You can read my diary.
- Who'd want to read your diary?
It's full of puerile nonsense
about Kristine Kochanski.
Ah, so you've read my diary?
Yes, but at least I have the common
decency to do it sneakily behind your back.
Right, that is definitely the decent thing to do.
I'm doing it for a reason, anyway.
Look what I found in Kochanski's quarters this morning.
- So?
- Well, look at it!
It's a wedding photograph.
Yeah, and who's the incredibly
gorgeous hunky beefcake she's married?
It's you! But you didn't marry Kochanski!
Exactly! So, how is this possible,
unless somehow we go back in time?
- What's this got to do with my diary?
- It's this bit about the mushrooms, isn't it?
You see, when you saw your head coming through the table.
I don't think it was an hallucination.
I think you were seeing you now, arriving back in the past.
There's a wise old Cat saying,
which I think applies in this situation.
It goes:
"What are you talking about, dog-breath?"
Listen to what it said. It says: "The head came through the table
"and said, 'I'm from the future. I've come to save
your life. We found a stasis leak on Floor 16.'"
- I don't think it was an hallucination.
- What's a stasis leak?
All right, dudes.
What's going down in groove town, then?
Alright, Hol.
Listen, what's a stasis leak?
Ooh, well, very, very basically,
putting it simply as I can for your average layman to comprehend,
A stasis leak is a leak, right? In stasis.
Hence the name a "stasis leak".
- You don't know, do you, Hol?
- No, I don't.
Well, I suggest we go down to Floor 16 and see what's there.
How come he never, ever knows anything.
He's supposed to have an IQ of 6,000?
6,000's not that much. It's only the
same IQ as 12,000 car park attendants.
But you don't know anything.
Listen, I happen to be one of the sleekest, most sophisticated
computers ever devised by man.
- I'm the nearest thing you can get to infullible.
- Infallible.
Exactly.
(LISTER) Floor 16.
(RIMMER) This is going to take ages.
Welcome to Xpress Lifts' descent to Floor 16.
we'll be going down 2,567 floors,
and, for a small extra charge, you can enjoy
the in-lift movie, Gone with the Wind.
If you look to your right and to your left,
you will notice there are no exits.
In the highly unlikely event of the lift having
to make a crash landing, death is certain.
Under your seat, you will find a cassette
for recording your last will and testament,
and from above your head a bag will drop
containing sedatives and cyanide capsules.
I hate this stuff, it really freaks me out.
To take the cyanide capsule,
simply break open, like so,
and place under the tongue.
(THUD)
Thank you for travelling Xpress Lifts.
We apologise for the delay.
You should apologise for the chicken!
First meal I ever had where the
container tasted better than the food!
(HUMMING)
This must be a stasis leak.
OK. Here we go.
It's safe. Come through.
What IS it?
It's a rent in the space-time continuum.
- What IS it?
- The stasis room freezes time, Y'know makes time stand still.
so whenever you have a leak, it must preserve
whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.
- What IS it?
- It's singularity. A point in the universe
where the normal laws of space and time don't apply.
- What IS it?
- It's a hole into the past.
Oh, a magic door! Well, why didn't you say?
It's March 2nd. That's what... three weeks
before the crew got wiped out?
(ALL) Hi.
Do you mind? This is the annual general
meeting of the Agoraphobic Society!
I wonder, can we bring anybody back?
Not unless we want them turned into powder.
- Who were you thinking of bringing back?
- Me.
Let's do it!
What's the point in going,
if you can't bring anybody back?
You've seen the
photograph. I marry her.
But, what's the point? In three
weeks, she'll be radioactive dust.
- You might as well marry a box of Daz.
- I'm gonna stay with her.
You're gonna stay with her? For the sake of
three weeks together, you're going to give up your life?
- Yeah.
- I don't believe it.
- Mr Selfish or what?
- Eh?
What about me? I've given you
the best years of my death!
Is that it, then? Three years.
"Thanks a lot, pal. I'm off!"
No sort of regrets? Not so much
as a lump in your throat?
No, you're thinking of Kochanski. The only lump
you've got is down the front of your trousers.
I'm going for it, Rimmer.
If there's one thing I've learned. It's
that you don't get many shots at happiness
so when you do, go for them all.
I'm sharing a bunk with a character
out of a Barbara Cartland novel.
- What would you do in my place?
- I don't know, I... Do what you like.
- Where are you coming from, Rimmer? You don't even like me.
- Don't I?
- No
- Fine.
You don't though, do you?
You don't even like me.
- That's what you think, is it?
- Yeah
I will tell you something that
will probably stun you rigid...
- What?
- You're right. I don't like you.
I don't like what you stand for,
but for some weird reason...
I don't know. What is the point?
Everything always goes wrong for me.
I'm probably the only person in the world to
buy a Topic bar without a single hazelnut in it.
It happens, you know, Rimmer.
You meet people, then you move on.
When I was ten, I had a mate called Duncan.
My best mate, you know? Taught me everything,
He's the one who showed me how to put mirrors
on me toecaps so I could look up girls' skirts.
In the end, his dad had to move to Spain because of a job...
... a bank job he pulled in Purley.
Never saw him again.
I think of him, though.
Every time I look at me shoes.
Don't try and explain it, Lister.
I don't know why I'm even surprised.
Everyone always leaves me in the end.
Girls, parents...
I had a pet lemming once.
I loved that little lemming.
I built him a little wall,
so he could hurl himself off it.
He didn't want for anything.
I'll never forget one Christmas, I put my finger
in his cage to give him some mince pie.
He bit me! He sunk his teeth right
into my fingers and wouldn't let go.
In the end, I had to smash his
brains out against my bedroom wall.
That little lemming broke my heart.
The little git completely ruined
my helicopter wallpaper.
You know, maybe there is a way
to bring people back from the past.
- Oh, how?
- Well, there's a spare stasis booth isn't there?
We could bring one person back if you could
persuade them to go into suspended animation.
- They'd survive the accident.
- Yeah.
Then when we got back to now, we could bring them out, and bingo!
Brilliant! I could save my own life and I wouldn't be dead.
- Just think. I could bring her back...
- I could bring me back.
There'd be two mes. A dead me and a living me.
One for the week and one for Sunday best.
Hey! There's only room for one, and that's Krissie!
Rimmsie!
Aow! Don't look, baby. It'll drive you crazy!
What do you think? You said look inconspicuous.
- Put this on.
- What?!
- You'll stand out a mile like that.
- I wouldn't use this to buff my shoes.
Look, you can't walk around a mining ship
looking like a finalist from Come Jiving.
- But everyone will think I'm just an ordinary person!
- That's the point.
They won't look at me and say, "Who's that guy? He's gorgeous!"
- Put it on.
- Oh...
Well, maybe if I widen the lapels a bit, put in
some vents and some sequins and shoulder pads...
- Will you put it on?
- Where's Alphabet-Head?
Rimmer? He sneaked off last night.
He's already back in the past,
trying to save his own worthless hide.
You reading me, Hol?
- Ugh, I can see right down your gob.
- Good, let's go.
I don't like being a watch, dangling about all sideways and upside down.
And give me fair warning before
you put your hand in your pocket?
Gave me such a fright last time, that huge liquorice allsort covered in fluff.
- Oh, cheers, Hol!
- Here we go again.
Put that on!
(BOTH SINGING MERRILY)
Shh! Look, here it is, man. Just stick with me, OK? OK?
Oh. Erm... Did you order a kiss-o-gram? Sorry!
Excuse me, did you see a short human
with little pigtails come through here?
(LISTER) Yo, Cat!
Don't worry. It's personality that counts.
Felicitations, beautiful ladies.
Back from planet leave? Let me take those heavy cases.
My name is Olaf Petersen. I am very good in bed.
It's always an honour to carry the personal
the luggages of such beautiful ladies.
- Petersen!
- Oh, hi.
Petersen! How are you, mate?
I don't believe it! It's you!
I've missed you, y'know?
Give us a kiss, you smelly ol' smegger.
Blah! He's just a friend!
- I don't believe it!
- He hasn't seen me since breakfast!
- I'll come and see you later!
- Sure.
- No, I promise I'll come to your room and see ya!
- Lister, you'll die for this.
That was Petersen, an old mate of mine.
We were like that. I never thought.
I mean, just think, I'm gonna be able
to see everybody again.
Oi! Give us a break, Dave,
it's like a tropical rainforest.
- Sorry, Hol.
- Wow!
I've never been this close to women before!
It makes me wanna do something,
but I don't know what it is,
but whatever it is. I want
to do a lot of it! Yeeah...
(LISTER) I wonder what Rimmer's doing...
(PAST LISTER) ... ripped up and ate his wife's photograph.
(RIMMER) I didn't know it was his wife.
I thought it was a publicity shot from Planet Of The Apes.
- (LISTER) Two teas.
- Excuse me.
(LISTER) Listen, man, I'm sorry about those mushrooms, y'know?
I mean, I didn't know. I'm not totally reckless and irresponsible, for God's sake.
- Why didn't you tell the captain, this?
- What, and get someone into trouble?
Oh no? Eight weeks painting the smegging ship?
- I'm sorry.
- Get the spacesuits..
(RIMMER'S VOICE) I don't want you to panic, Arnold.
I want you to stay absolutely calm.
I'm coming out in a moment, and I want you to
keep your cool. Are you ready? Here I come.
Look, we found a stasis leak on Floor 16.
I'm dead now, and you're not, but if I save you, you won't die, so I won't die.
And you won't be dead
either. And neither will I!
- I may as well tell you right away, I know what you are.
- You do?
- You're a mushroom, aren't you?
- I'm a what?
- An hallucination. Go away.
- No, look. I'm you from the future.
I've come to warn you.
In three million years, you'll be dead.
Will I really?!
Yes, unless you do
something about it now.
What do you suggest?
Give up white bread. More roughage?
Look, you're not listening!
You've got to go into stasis.
- Go away!
- I'll be back soon.
Stay calm. It's gone now.
Rimmer.
Now you've turned into a chicken!
Listen, I just want to apologise.
We both got a little carried away.
- I've been under a lot of pressure.
- Go away.
Obviously, I shouldn't have given you PD.
I just got a little riled.
Did you indeed? How sad for you, Captain Paxo.
What? Oh, oh, this.
No, I... This is for the party tonight.
Half man, half chicken...
You don't scare me. 'Cause I know what you are.
(CLUCKS)
OWRGHHH!
Now kindly cluck off before I extract your giblets
and shove a large seasoned onion
between the lips you never kiss with.
Forget everything I just said!
You have got eight months PD!
Well, we have a bit of a problem here, don't we?
Because I don't take orders from poultry.
No, Rimmer, make that eight years!
Fine. I'll make a note of it shall I?
Eight... years... There we go.
- Hi, is Kristine in?
- No, she's still on planet leave.
Oh, smeg. Did she stay where she was staying?
- She said something about the Ganymede Holiday Inn?
- Cheers.
(LISTER) ... A-N-S-K-I. Kochanski. Look... the sun is shining!
(SUITCASE) Excuse me. No no, down here.
Have you seen a man who's lost his luggage? Er, about 5'10", mousey hair?
- No, I haven't.
Oh no, I bet they've sent him to
the wrong bloody airport again.
Oh sorry- Arghh! Dog!
And he's trying to strangle that woman!
Don't worry, madam.
His strangling days are over!
Cat, We got it. 008. This way!
Why are you attacking people's clothing for?
Aow! Yeah!
She's already married.
What about the photograph?
I'm not the groom. He's the groom!
(CAT) Hey! She's not as stupid as we thought!
Why do women always leave me
for total smegheads?
Why do they dump me for men
who wear turtleneck sweaters and smoke a pipe?
I mean, natural yoghurt eaters.
Reliable, sensible, dependable,
and lots of other words that end in "ible."
I bet he's obsessed with house prices
and spends half his life in antique fairs
looking for bargains and drinking wine.
It's never beer, is it? It's always wine.
"What do you want on your cornflakes, darling?"
"Oh, I'll have some wine, please!"
Smeg!
You can tell all that just from a photograph?
(HOLLY) Oi, not your pockets.
Dear oh dear... It's horrible down there.
There's a big hole. It's an unbelievable view.
Reminds me of that film,
Attack Of The Killer Gooseberries.
Come on, Hol. I'm broken up, man.
I was in love once... a Sinclair ZX-81,
People said, "No Holly, she's not for you."
"She's cheap, she's stupid and she wouldn't load".
Well, not for me, anyway.
What are you trying to say, Hol?
What I'm saying Dave, is that it's
better to have loved and to have lost
than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton-John.
Why's that?
Anything's better than listening
to an album by Olivia Newton-John
- Oh, hi. It's you.
- Hi.
- Come in.
- No no, we were just passing.
- Come in.
- No, it's OK.
Cat! Come on, we've got to go!
(CAT) Aow!
- I just got married.
- Oh, great.
- He's in the shower. I think you'll really like him.
- Oh, I bet.
- Do you want a screwdriver?
- I'd rather have a hammer.
How you doin', kid?
What is this? An meeting of the Ugly Convention?
- Where did you come from?
- The bathroom.
- Well, you don't look very pleased to see me.
- Well, quite frankly, I'm not.
I thought I was getting married.
- (KOCHANSKI) And you did.
- No. HE did.
- But he's you.
- No. I'm me!
- Well, who's he then?
- He's him.
If he's you and you're him
and you're him and he's him... am I still me?
Who's eatin' this chicken?
- What the hell is going on?
- Look, look, look. Listen...
In five years time, you find another way
to come back in time.
- So, it does work out?
- Eventually.
How about a frenchie from me future bride?
No way. On your space-bike.
So, listen... What do I do now?
- Go back to where you came from and wait for five years.
- Have I always been such a smeghead or did I change?
- You've always been like that. Out!
- So, listen man. You've lived my life for the last five years.
So what's the single most important piece
of advice that you can give me?
Erm... Oh, yeah.
Three years from now, you'll go through a
cosmic storm you'll enter a parallel universe.
You'll materialise on an exact replica
of Earth in the year 1989.
You'll want to go to the theatre. Whatever you do.
Don't go and see Run For Your Wife.
(LAUGHS)
- Smeghead.
- And you.
We've pumped your stomach,
we've changed your blood. Get some rest.
So, they won't come back again?
Just stay calm, keep cool and get some sleep.
There he is. Sleeping like a baby. I'm gonna
get better, and then I'm going to kill him.
If you need anything, call Holly.
(RIMMER'S VOICE) I don't want you to panic, Arnold.
but I've had a jolly big think,
and I think I know how to explain this to you.
(RIMMER) Hi.
- Hi. I'm staying calm this time.
- Good.
Yo, Rimmer, there you are. I've been looking for you everywhere.
- Not now, Lister.
- TWO Listers!
And a strange man with large teeth!
Hey, I'm a cat.
Of course you're a cat! Come
in! Sit down, there's plenty of room.
- Yo!
- Three Listers! Splendid!
Perhaps Lister here would like to go over the fridge and
open a bottle of wine for Lister and Lister?
Rimmer here doesn't drink, because he's dead,
but I wouldn't mind a glass.
I don't want anyone to get into a flap, here. But I'm the Rimmer
from the double-double future.
I'm the Rimmer who's with the Lister
who married Kochanski.
Now, from this point on, things get a little bit confusing...
(ALL CHATTER)
Please, before anyone says anything else,
I'd just like to make a little speech.
(SCREAMS) Go away!
# It's cold outside
# There's no kind of atmosphere
# I'm all alone, more or less
# Let me fly far away from here
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
# Drinking fresh mango juice
# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun #
