by Ganymede & Titan

Series 2 - Parallel Universe - All scenes


# When I saw you for the first time
# First time

# My knees began to quiver
# Quiver

# And I got a funny feeling
# Feeling

# In my kidneys and my liver
# Digestive system, baby

# My hands they started shakin'
# Shakin'

# My heart began a-thumpin'
# Boom, boom, boom!

# My breakfast left my body
# Huey, huey, huey

# It all really tells me something

# Girl, you make me tongue-tied
# Tongue-tied

# Tongue-tied

# Whenever you are near me
# Near me

# Tied tongue
# Tied tongue

# Whenever you're in town

# I saw you across the dance floor
# Dancing

# I thought of birds and bees
# Reproductive system, baby

# But when I tried to speak to you
# Talk, talk

# My tongue unravelled to my knees
# Flippety-flippety-flop

# I tried to say "I love you"
# Love you

# But it came out kind of wrong, girl
# Wrong, girl

# It sounded like, "Noo-noony-nee-noo"

# Tongue-tied
Na-ner-ner-ner-nee-nung, nirl

# Because you make me tongue-tied
# Tongue-tied

# Tongue-tied

# Whenever you are near me
# Near me

# Be-dobby-durgle, dobby-durgle
# Tongue-tied, tongue-tied

# Whenever you're around

# Oh, I'm beggin' on my knees

# Sweet, sweet darling, listen, please

# Understand me when I say

# Bedurble diggle doggle-

# I'm trying to say nungy-nangy
# Nangy-nongy

# Ningy-nongy

# Why can't I tell you clearly?
# Clearly

# Be-dobby-durgle
# Dobby--durgle

# Durgle-dobby
# Durgle-dobby

# Whenever you're around... #

- No, this isn't the one.
- What isn't?

I'm looking for this dream I had last month
on the dream recorder. It was sensational.

- What was it about?
- Me, three girls

and a family tub of banana yoghurt!

You cats have a strange attitude to women,
if you ask me.

Say what, goalpost-head?

It's all sex. There's no sense of settling down,
having a long-term relationship.

Hey, I want to settle down, and as soon as I find
the right small group of girls,

the seven or eight women who are right for me,
my wandering days are over, buddy.

You see? Totally maladjusted.

That's rich, y'know? I mean coming from the man whose favourite book

is "How To Pick Up Girls By Hypnosis".

There's nothing wrong with that, Lister.
It's a good book. Full of handy hints as well, and it works.

Get outta town!

That's how I met Lorraine.
By hypnotising her.

You hypnotised a girl into going out with you?

Yes. I gave her the old
"There's something in your eye" technique,

fixed her with the Mesmer stare...
and bingo, she agreed to come on a date.

- What was wrong with her?
- Nothing.

Come on. A girl agreed to go out with
you, and there was nothing wrong with her?

Lister, she was an extremely
attractive and bright young lady.

Oh, well it MUST work, then.

- Of course, she had an artificial nose.
- What?!

Oh, tastefully done. Quality metal, no rivets.

- Come on, what happened?
- Well, things were a bit stilted in the taxi.

All my jokes about her nose
hadn't gone down too well.

They were good gag, quality gags, like,
"Where are we going? Who nose?"

No cheap shots.

Anyway when we got to the restaurant, she must
have had an attack of nerves or something.

She said she was going to the loo and
ended up climbing out of a toilet window.

- I wonder why.
- It's not because she didn't want to see me, Lister.

She phoned the next day and said how much
she'd love to come on another date with me,

only, suddenly she had to move to Pluto.

You're a sad weasel of a man,
you know that, Rimmer?

No, it's just I'm ill at ease with the opposite sex.

It's because you see them as some alien species that need to be conquered with trickery.

They're not, they're people. You don't need your books
on hypnosis ...and what's that other one, what's the other one?

"1001 Fabulous Chat-up Lines."?

Lister, I do need that, it's brilliant, those chat-up lines are guaranteed.

- There's no such thing.
- All right. You be a woman, OK?

Sort of... on your own in a bar,
short leather miniskirt, peephole bra...

OK. Go on.

This is the most incredible chat-up line
you've ever heard in your life, Guaranteed.

- Go on.
- OK... in a bar on your own...

Excuse me, would you like
to join me for a cocktail?

- No.
- You can't say no.

- It doesn't work if you say no. You've got to say yes.
- Oh, right. OK. Go on, go on...

- So, would you like a wormdo?
- What's that, then?

- What's what?
- A wormdo.

- What about it?
- Is this still the opening line?

- Look, you're not giving me the right reply!
- What IS the right reply?!

I come up to you and say
"Excuse me, would you like to join me in a cocktail?"

You say "Yes".

I say, "Would you like a wormdo?"
You say, "What's a wormdo?" and I say...

- "Oh, it wriggles along the ground like that."
- You know it!

Rimmer. You could not pull a rotten tooth
out of a dead horse's head with that one.

- Eureka. I've done it.
- Done what?

The Earl of Sandwich invented the sandwich.

Samuel Morse invented the Morse Code,

Plato invented the plate...

and now I, Holly,
have invented the Holly Hop Drive.

- Ooh, I can't wait to see it (!)
- It's monumental, this. it's epoch-making.

The Holly Hop Drive can transfer any object
instantly to any other point in space.

- What? You mean we could go back to Earth?
- In a matter of seconds.

What, you mean we can go back to
Earth, like, right now? This instant?!

- Right on.
- Rock and roll!

- What, is this it?!
- What do you think?

It's just a box with "Stop" and "Start" on it!

it's fairly straightforward.

If you want to start it, press "Start"...

You can work out the rest of the controls for yourself.

It's absolutely pathetic.

Right. Let's Holly Hop. Engage drive...

Drive engaged. Initiating ignition sequence...

- Ignition sequence initiated.
- Get on with it.

It takes time, this. One slight error
in any of my 13 billion calculations,

we'll all be blasted to smithereens.

Here we go, then. Ten... Nine... Eight...

- Six.. Five...
- You missed out the seven.

Did I? I've always had a bit
of a blind spot with sevens.

We're going to die.

No problem. I'll start lower down.

One... Blast off.

We've done it. We're home.

- It worked?
- We're at Earth? You must be joking!

Half a mo'...

- It's gone,
- What has?

The Earth. It's missing. It's not there.

Wait a minute.
Sorry, I was looking out the wrong window.

No. No, it HAS gone.
The entire solar system is missing.

- Well, what is actually out there?
- Nothing. Just space.

Holly, the thought occurs
that we haven't actually reached Earth.

The further thought occurs that we
haven't actually budged a smegging inch.

No, no, we have.

It's just I don't know where we are.
I've got to admit it, I've flamingoed up.

- What?
- Well, it's like a cock-up, only much, much bigger.

Wait, there is something there. It's another ship.

- Aliens!
- (LISTER) Punch it up.

- It looks like an exact copy of Red Dwarf.
- Eh? So, what's happened?

Well, somehow - don't ask me how -

We've jumped into a parallel universe.
We've entered the fifth dimension.

What's the fifth dimension?

Didn't they get to Number Six
with "Baby, I Want Your Love Thing"?

You've got your basic dimensions, right? -
length, breadth, depth and time.

The fifth dimension is co-existing realities,

two bodies who share the same space,
but are unaware of each other's existence.

Sounds like my parents in bed.

So, hang on, this is another Red Dwarf,
with another Rimmer and Lister on board?

Will they be exactly
the same as us?

No, there'll be differences.
It's a parallel universe, innit?

What do you mean?

Well for instance, In this universe, it
could be that Hitler won the Second World War

it could be something even more incredible,
like perhaps Ringo was a really good drummer.

Hang on, I'm linking up
with their onboard computer.

- Hello, I'm Hilly.
- Hello, I'm Holly.

- Hello, Holly.
- Hello, Hilly.

This is a turn-up, innit You'd better
boogie on over and we can sort it out.

Right on, sis.

- See you, Hol
- See you, Hil

I in there.

It's identical in every detail to our Red Dwarf!

Very funny smell around here
that I don't like one bit.

It smells like your moon boots, man.
I'm going to get rid of it.

That's mine. This is mine...

So, where's the other Rimmer and Lister?

So, you're not aliens.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

You must be Lister?

- And you are, too.
- Hope so.

- You must be Rimmer. So am I.
- Splendid.

- Deb.
- Dave.

- Arnold.
- Arlene.


So, you come from a universe which
is exactly the same as ours... Can I?


Only everything's... opposite?

I don't know if everything's opposite.
It seems like that.

So, you come from a female-orientated society?

Well, it's not exactly female-orientated
any more,

not since the '60s, y'know?
with the "Equal Rights For Men" marches,

You know, when they burned
their jockstraps and all that?


Haven't you read "The Male Eunuch"
by Jeremy Greer?

So, your history is parallel to ours, as well?

So, hang on, erm, who was the first person on the moon?

Nellie Armstrong.

NELLIE Armstrong?

- So... who wrote Hamlet?
- Will Shakespeare.

- Ah, so he was a bloke.
- No, she was a woman. Wilma Shakespeare.

Yes, she wrote all the greats - "Rachel III",
"The Taming Of The Shrimp"...

My God, what's this?

- My Camera Monthly magazine.
- Well, it's disgusting!

It's full of semi-naked blokes
draped themselves over sports cars.

What's wrong with that? You're not one
of those boring masculinists, are you?

So, sexual attitudes are opposite, as well?

What's that, my little cupcake?

Your little what?!

It just looks ridiculous!
I mean, these models are deformed, hugely deformed.

It makes one feel quite... inadequate.

- Don't worry about that, my pretty.
- Hey! Holograms, can touch each other!

Hey, hey hey hey! I hate to break up the party,
but isn't there somebody missing?

- How do you mean?
- Well, Lister, female opposite.

Rimmer, female opposite. Where's mine?

Oh, right. Mooching around the cargo decks, I think.

Aow! Alll my life I've waited
for this moment, and now it has arrived!

Hey listen, if you hear me screaming,
do NOT, I repeat, do NOT come to the rescue!


# I'm gonna get you, little kitty... #

- I think he's in for a bit of a shock.
- Why?

- His opposite isn't female.
- What is it?

It's a dog.

Oh, Boy, oh, boy! Where'd they go?

I get so dang panicky when they go
off and leave me on my own like this.

Damn these fleas!

# I'm gonna get you, little kitty...

# I'm gonna get you, little... #

I don't know what that is,
but I'm sure he wants to eat me.

Well, trash my shorts, what a funny-looking dog!

I'd better make myself look big!

Put it there, Buddy, but it right there!

Goddamn! What kind of toothpaste
does he use? Rotting meat flavour?

Come on, now. I wanna be your buddy!

Tell you what, I'm gonna smell
your behind, then you can smell mine!

- Now, is that a deal?
- You wanna smell my WHAT?!

Why, sure! Don't you wanna smell me?

Man, I could smell you if you was on Mars!
When did you last take a bath?

- Oh, please, don't say that word!
- What? Bath?

You said it again! Now, listen up.
If y'all gonna say that word in front of me, please spell it.

When did you last you took a B-A-T-H?

What's that?

Yo, Cat... There you are.

- Come on, we're going to the disco.
- What?

Yeah, Holly says it's gonna take
about 17 hours to repair the Hop Drive,

- so I thought we'd go and have a few... bevvies, like?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah! Come on!

- Yeees
- Aaoooooowww.


Well, they seem to be getting on, don't they?

- Yes. Absolutely.
- Oh, yes.

- Like a house of fire.
- You can say that again.

- Oh yes.
- ...Yes.

Mind you, we've got a pretty good conversation
going on here.

Oh, yes, yes.


Funny, really. I'm not normally good
at talking to the opposite sex.

No, I'm not. I run out of things to say.

Me, too.

So, you're a girl, then?

- Yes.
- That's nice.

Hang on. Haven't you got something in your eye?

You're trying to hypnotise me, aren't you?

- No, of course not.
- Well, stop staring, then.

- I'm not staring
- Yes, you are.

OK! I read it in this book.
It's great for picking up bits of totty.

Well, I'd hardly describe myself as "a bit of totty".

Oh, yes!

Totty, totty... totty.

I- I think you've had rather too much to drink.
I always get like this when I'm tanked up