(POP MUSIC)
# When I saw you for the first time
# First time
# My knees began to quiver
# Quiver
# And I got a funny feeling
# Feeling
# In my kidneys and my liver
# Digestive system, baby
# My hands they started shakin'
# Shakin'
# My heart began a-thumpin'
# Boom, boom, boom!
# My breakfast left my body
# Huey, huey, huey
# It all really tells me something
# Girl, you make me tongue-tied
# Tongue-tied
# Tongue-tied
# Whenever you are near me
# Near me
# Tied tongue
# Tied tongue
# Whenever you're in town
# I saw you across the dance floor
# Dancing
# I thought of birds and bees
# Reproductive system, baby
# But when I tried to speak to you
# Talk, talk
# My tongue unravelled to my knees
# Flippety-flippety-flop
# I tried to say "I love you"
# Love you
# But it came out kind of wrong, girl
# Wrong, girl
# It sounded like, "Noo-noony-nee-noo"
# Tongue-tied
Na-ner-ner-ner-nee-nung, nirl
# Because you make me tongue-tied
# Tongue-tied
# Tongue-tied
# Whenever you are near me
# Near me
# Be-dobby-durgle, dobby-durgle
# Tongue-tied, tongue-tied
# Whenever you're around
# Oh, I'm beggin' on my knees
# Sweet, sweet darling, listen, please
# Understand me when I say
# Bedurble diggle doggle-
dooby-doggle-durgle-day
# I'm trying to say nungy-nangy
# Nangy-nongy
# Ningy-nongy
# Why can't I tell you clearly?
# Clearly
# Be-dobby-durgle
# Dobby--durgle
# Durgle-dobby
# Durgle-dobby
# Whenever you're around... #
- No, this isn't the one.
- What isn't?
I'm looking for this dream I had last month
on the dream recorder. It was sensational.
- What was it about?
- Me, three girls
and a family tub of banana yoghurt!
You cats have a strange attitude to women,
if you ask me.
Say what, goalpost-head?
It's all sex. There's no sense of settling down,
having a long-term relationship.
Hey, I want to settle down, and as soon as I find
the right small group of girls,
the seven or eight women who are right for me,
my wandering days are over, buddy.
You see? Totally maladjusted.
That's rich, y'know? I mean coming from the man whose favourite book
is "How To Pick Up Girls By Hypnosis".
There's nothing wrong with that, Lister.
It's a good book. Full of handy hints as well, and it works.
Get outta town!
That's how I met Lorraine.
By hypnotising her.
You hypnotised a girl into going out with you?
Yes. I gave her the old
"There's something in your eye" technique,
fixed her with the Mesmer stare...
and bingo, she agreed to come on a date.
- What was wrong with her?
- Nothing.
Come on. A girl agreed to go out with
you, and there was nothing wrong with her?
Lister, she was an extremely
attractive and bright young lady.
Oh, well it MUST work, then.
- Of course, she had an artificial nose.
- What?!
Oh, tastefully done. Quality metal, no rivets.
- Come on, what happened?
- Well, things were a bit stilted in the taxi.
All my jokes about her nose
hadn't gone down too well.
They were good gag, quality gags, like,
"Where are we going?" "Who nose?"
No cheap shots.
Anyway when we got to the restaurant, she must
have had an attack of nerves or something.
She said she was going to the loo and
ended up climbing out of a toilet window.
- I wonder why.
- It's not because she didn't want to see me, Lister.
She phoned the next day and said how much
she'd love to come on another date with me,
only, suddenly she had to move to Pluto.
You're a sad weasel of a man,
you know that, Rimmer?
No, it's just I'm ill at ease with the opposite sex.
It's because you see them as some alien species that need to be conquered with trickery.
They're not, they're people. You don't need your books
on hypnosis ... and what's that other one, what's the other one?
"1001 Fabulous Chat-up Lines."?
Lister, I do need that, it's brilliant, those chat-up lines are guaranteed.
- There's no such thing.
- All right. You be a woman, OK?
Sort of... on your own in a bar,
short leather miniskirt, peephole bra...
OK. Go on.
This is the most incredible chat-up line
you've ever heard in your life, Guaranteed.
- Go on.
- OK... in a bar on your own...
Excuse me, would you like
to join me for a cocktail?
- No.
- You can't say no.
- It doesn't work if you say no. You've got to say yes.
- Oh, right. OK. Go on, go on...
- So, would you like a wormdo?
- What's that, then?
- What's what?
- A wormdo.
- What about it?
- Is this still the opening line?
- Look, you're not giving me the right reply!
- What IS the right reply?!
I come up to you and say
"Excuse me, would you like to join me in a cocktail?"
You say "Yes".
I say, "Would you like a wormdo?"
You say, "What's a wormdo?" and I say...
- "Oh, it wriggles along the ground like that."
- You know it!
Rimmer. You could not pull a rotten tooth
out of a dead horse's head with that one.
- Eureka. I've done it.
- Done what?
The Earl of Sandwich invented the sandwich.
Samuel Morse invented the Morse Code,
Plato invented the plate...
and now I, Holly,
have invented the Holly Hop Drive.
- Ooh, I can't wait to see it (!)
- It's monumental, this. It's epoch-making.
The Holly Hop Drive can transfer any object
instantly to any other point in space.
- What? You mean we could go back to Earth?
- In a matter of seconds.
What, you mean we can go back to
Earth, like, right now? This instant?!
- Right on.
- Rock and roll!
- What, is this it?!
- What do you think?
It's just a box with "Stop" and "Start" on it!
It's fairly straightforward.
If you want to start it, press "Start"...
You can work out the rest of the controls for yourself.
It's absolutely pathetic.
Right. Let's Holly Hop. Engage drive...
Drive engaged. Initiating ignition sequence...
- Ignition sequence initiated.
- Get on with it.
It takes time, this. One slight error
in any of my 13 billion calculations,
we'll all be blasted to smithereens.
Here we go, then. Ten... Nine... Eight...
- Six... Five...
- You missed out the seven.
Did I? I've always had a bit
of a blind spot with sevens.
We're going to die.
No problem. I'll start lower down.
One... Blast off.
We've done it. We're home.
- It worked?
- We're at Earth? You must be joking!
Half a mo'...
- It's gone,
- What has?
The Earth. It's missing. It's not there.
Wait a minute.
Sorry, I was looking out the wrong window.
No. No, it HAS gone.
The entire solar system is missing.
- Well, what is actually out there?
- Nothing. Just space.
Holly, the thought occurs
that we haven't actually reached Earth.
The further thought occurs that we
haven't actually budged a smegging inch.
No, no, we have.
It's just I don't know where we are.
I've got to admit it, I've flamingoed up.
- What?
- Well, it's like a cock-up, only much, much bigger.
Wait, there is something there. It's another ship.
- Aliens!
- (LISTER) Punch it up.
- It looks like an exact copy of Red Dwarf.
- Eh? So, what's happened?
Well, somehow - don't ask me how -
We've jumped into a parallel universe.
We've entered the fifth dimension.
What's the fifth dimension?
Didn't they get to Number Six
with "Baby, I Want Your Love Thing"?
You've got your basic dimensions, right? -
length, breadth, depth and time.
The fifth dimension is co-existing realities,
two bodies who share the same space,
but are unaware of each other's existence.
Sounds like my parents in bed.
So, hang on, this is another Red Dwarf,
with another Rimmer and Lister on board?
Will they be exactly
the same as us?
No, there'll be differences.
It's a parallel universe, innit?
What do you mean?
Well for instance, in this universe, it
could be that Hitler won the Second World War
it could be something even more incredible,
like perhaps Ringo was a really good drummer.
Hang on, I'm linking up
with their onboard computer.
- Hello, I'm Hilly.
- Hello, I'm Holly.
- Hello, Holly.
- Hello, Hilly.
This is a turn-up, innit You'd better
boogie on over and we can sort it out.
Right on, sis.
- See you, Hol
- See you, Hil
I'm in there.
It's identical in every detail to our Red Dwarf!
Very funny smell around here
that I don't like one bit.
It smells like your moon boots, man.
I'm going to get rid of it.
That's mine. This is mine...
So, where's the other Rimmer and Lister?
So, you're not aliens.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
You must be Lister?
- And you are, too.
- Hope so.
- You must be Rimmer. So am I.
- Splendid.
- Deb.
- Dave.
- Arnold.
- Arlene.
Indeedy!
So, you come from a universe which
is exactly the same as ours... Can I?
Yeah.
Only everything's... opposite?
I don't know if everything's opposite.
It seems like that.
So, you come from a female-orientated society?
Well, it's not exactly female-orientated
any more,
not since the 60s, y'know?
With the "Equal Rights For Men" marches.
You know, when they burned
their jockstraps and all that?
Stop!
Haven't you read "The Male Eunuch"
by Jeremy Greer?
So, your history is parallel to ours, as well?
So, hang on, erm, who was the first person on the moon?
Nellie Armstrong.
NELLIE Armstrong?
- So... who wrote Hamlet?
- Will Shakespeare.
- Ah, so he was a bloke.
- No, she was a woman. Wilma Shakespeare.
Yes, she wrote all the greats - "Rachel III",
"The Taming Of The Shrimp"...
My God, what's this?
- My Camera Monthly magazine.
- Well, it's disgusting!
It's full of semi-naked blokes
draping themselves over sports cars.
What's wrong with that? You're not one
of those boring masculinists, are you?
So, sexual attitudes are opposite, as well?
What's that, my little cupcake?
Your little what?!
It just looks ridiculous!
I mean, these models are deformed, hugely deformed.
It makes one feel quite... inadequate.
- Don't worry about that, my pretty.
- Hey! Holograms can touch each other!
Hey, hey hey hey! I hate to break up the party,
but isn't there somebody missing?
- How do you mean?
- Well, Lister, female opposite.
Rimmer, female opposite. Where's mine?
Oh, right. Mooching around the cargo decks, I think.
Aow! All my life I've waited
for this moment, and now it has arrived!
Hey listen, if you hear me screaming,
do NOT, I repeat, do NOT come to the rescue!
Aaaaooooow!
# I'm gonna get you, little kitty... #
- I think he's in for a bit of a shock.
- Why?
- His opposite isn't female.
- What is it?
It's a dog.
Oh, Boy, oh, boy! Where'd they go?
I get so dang panicky when they go
off and leave me on my own like this.
Damn these fleas!
# I'm gonna get you, little kitty...
# I'm gonna get you, little... #
I don't know what that is,
but I'm sure he wants to eat me.
Well, trash my shorts, what a funny-looking dog!
I'd better make myself look big!
Put it there, buddy, put it right there!
Goddamn! What kind of toothpaste
does he use? Rotting meat flavour?
Come on, now. I wanna be your buddy!
Tell you what, I'm gonna smell
your behind, then you can smell mine!
- Now, is that a deal?
- You wanna smell my WHAT?!
Why, sure! Don't you wanna smell me?
Man, I could smell you if you was on Mars!
When's the last time you take a bath?
- Oh, please, don't say that word!
- What? Bath?
You said it again! Now, listen up.
If y'all gonna say that word in front of me, please spell it.
When did you last you took a B-A-T-H?
What's that?
Yo, Cat... There you are.
- Come on, we're going to the disco.
- What?
Yeah, Holly says it's gonna take
about 17 hours to repair the Hop Drive,
- so I thought we'd go and have a few... bevvies, like?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah! Come on!
- Yeees
- Aaoooooowww.
(DISCO MUSIC)
Well, they seem to be getting on, don't they?
- Yes. Absolutely.
- Oh, yes.
- Like a house of fire.
- You can say that again.
- Oh yes.
- ... Yes.
Mind you, we've got a pretty good
conversation going on here.
Oh, yes, yes.
Absolutely.
Funny, really. I'm not normally good
at talking to the opposite sex.
No, I'm not. I run out of things to say.
Me, too.
So, you're a girl, then?
- Yes.
- That's nice.
Hang on. Haven't you got something in your eye?
You're trying to hypnotise me, aren't you?
- No, of course not.
- Well, stop staring, then.
- I'm not staring
- Yes, you are.
OK! I read it in this book.
It's great for picking up bits of totty.
Well, I'd hardly describe myself as "a bit of totty".
Oh, yes!
Totty, totty... totty.
I- I think you've had rather too much to drink.
I always get like this when I'm tanked up
Come on. You're interested.
- I assure you, I'm not.
- Why are you giving me all the signs, then?
- What signs?
- Wearing such tight trousers?
- They're not tight.
- Course the are, you're begging for it.
I'm not "totty" and I'm not begging for anything.
Come on, give us a snog, I promise I won't try
to take off your underpants.
Look, I'm sorry, I'm just not that kind of... boy.
Frigid!
You're disgusting!
You're only after me for one thing!
Why? How many have you got?
You're a great conversationalist, you know that?
- I am. But I ain't said nothin' yet...
- Yeah, that's what I like best.
- Yo, Listen. I'm going to the bar, do you want anything?
- Yeah, I'll have a grenade, Thank you.
- A grenade?
- Yeah. I wanna play fetch with the dog.
Listie! How are you, my
old mate. Come and join us.
Please, God, come and join us!
I won't be long.
If you want to keep your beer cool,
stick it between his legs.
What was all that about?
- That's the most awful woman I've ever met.
- She's you.
She's absolutely repugnant.
She doesn't treat me like I'm
a normal human being at all.
She seems to regard me as
some sort of discardable sex object.
- She's the female equivalent of you.
- Nonsense. She's maladjusted.
Trust my luck to end up with El Weirdo,
while you trap off with the one with the juicy jugs.
See! I mean, she thinks of men the exact
same way you think of women. It's disgusting.
She accused me of wiggling my bottom
in a provocative way.
I was just walking!
Can I help it if I happen to be sexy?
- What's the other one like?
- Totally gross.
She's unbelievable. She tried to impress me
by drinking six pints of lager, then
belching the whole of "Yankee Doodle Dandy".
That's your party piece, isn't it?
Yeah, but when I do it, it's really stylish, man.
(BELCHES)
Class.
- Do you think you'll, er...?
- What?
Get outta town!
I mean, she's a good laugh and
all that. But all she wants to do
is get, like completely blitzed
out of her brains and eat vindaloos.
I mean, call me crazy,
but I just don't find that attractive.
- How you getting on then?
- Well, put it this way,
there'll be two pairs of shoes
under the bed tonight.
Wallop, eh?
He doesn't look too interested to me.
He looks more sort of, er... petrified.
Oh, he just doesn't want me to think
he's the ship's bike, but I'm getting the signs.
He crossed his legs and made pretty damn sure
I saw that he was wearing sock suspenders. Phwoar!
- Rimmer, he's not interested.
- Maybe not now, but wait till I hit him with the wormdo line.
Hey, do you want to dance?
Boy, I tell you, when I hit the dance floor,
I am one mean turkey! Do you dance?
Do I dance? Does Carmen Miranda wear fruit?
Alrighty! You lead on, boy.
Hold this, Fido.
You call that dancing? No way, Jose
This is dancing!
(HOWLS)
Well, whaddya think, huh?
- Oh, ey. Another dead heat.
- Again, That's eight dead heats on the run.
- Listie, I want to speak to Holly.
- Sure.
Holly, how long before the Hop Drive's fixed? When can we get out of here?
We're busy fixing it right now, aren't we, Hilly?
Yes we are Holly. Very busy fixing it right now.
That's exactly what we're doing.
- What's that mark on your face, Hol.
- What face?
- The lipstick mark.
- That's not a lipstick mark. That's a computer rash.
Holly, just get the Hop Drive
fixed and get me out of here.
What's the matter?
Aren't you having a good time?
A good time?!
Lister... (CLEARS THROAT)
I'm going to bed now, by myself, on my own, alone.
If she comes back, tell her I've
got a headache or something.
- Why, where's she gone?
- She's gone to get some sexy videos.
She seems to think seeing two
men together might turn me on.
- Where are you sleeping?
- I'm not telling you. It's too risky.
Come on, what are you,
are you a man or a munchkin?
# I'm off to see the wizard...
The Wonderful Wizard Of Oz... #
Oh, are we ready, then? OK, after three... Three!
Ha! Beat you!
Oh, did I get drunk or did I get drunk?
Oh, no.
Oh, did I get drunk or did I get drunk?
Hi.
- Hi.
- Listen. Did we, erm...?
I can't remember.
I can remember betting you that I could
climb the disco wall using only me lips...
And then... Oh, God,
I juggled the goldfish, didn't I?
Blindfold.
And then...
Oh, eh. we did, didn't we?
You pieces of filth.
How could you commit an act
of carnal knowledge...?
..on my bunk, on my sheets, using my springs?
How could you contemplate
making love to yourself?
Well, why break a habit of a lifetime?
Leave it out! I was gonzoed. Man, I was out of me skull.
Oh hey, what's that supposed to mean?
I wouldn't have slept with you
if I'd known what I was doing.
- Thanks a lot!
- I hope you get pregnant.
No offence, man. But you're not exactly "Mr Difficult To Pull" are you?
Talk about a pushover!
Oh, That's rich coming from Miss Yo-Yo Knickers.
I hope you get pregnant, you cheap little tart!
- You what?
- Er, him? How can he get pregnant?
Well, if they didn't use precautions,
he could be up the spout.
- But it's women who get pregnant!
- Since when?
Since always! Me mother was a woman!
Ooooh, Listie!
Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Oh, dear!
If I'm understanding correctly,
it appears that in their universe,
it's the men who give birth to the babies.
As we are in their universe, you could very
well possibly be up the duff, laddie!
- Come on, I'm not buying this. This is a wind-up!
- Don't get emotional. Not in your condition!
It's impossible! I haven't got the...
the equipment, have I?
Course you have. You're in our universe. Our physical law applies.
Shut up!
Holly, tell me this isn't true.
- I'm afraid it is... Mum.
- How could you do this to me?
- Do what?
- Fertilise me. Take advantage of me,
knowing I was drunk, I didn't have precautions.
Listen, I assumed you'd taken care of that side of things.
It's the man's responsibility.
It's the man who gets pregnant.
It's the man who has to suffer the agony of childbirth.
Agony? This gets better and better!
- Look, What do you want me to do? I'm sorry, OK?
- Sorry? That's it? Sorry?
Wham, bam, thank you, mister?
Well, there's no point standing around arguing about it.
If it's happened, it's happened.
Yeah, We'd better get back. I've fixed the Hop Drive.
No, we can't go now, Hol! She could be the father of my child!
- If we don't go back now, we won't be able to get back at all.
- Listen...
Just because it's possible for you to get pregnant,
it doesn't mean you necessarily are.
You might get lucky.
But then again, you might not.
we'll find out when we get back, won't we, Listie?
Engaging Holly Hop...
Holly Hop engaged.
Four... Three... One... Blast off.
I don't know why I'm going through with this.
It's just not possible!
Why is it not possible?
Male baboons have given birth.
They were doing that as far back
as the 20th century. Caesarean, naturally.
(MAKES SLASHING
AND THUDDING SOUNDS)
Still, Lister. You'll be in good hands. The Skutters will be able to handle a simple Caesarian.
Skutters?! I wouldn't let them
open a can of beans.
You're thinking too negative!
Think of all the glorious, beautiful,
wondrous things about having children!
- Like?
- Like when they grow up and leave home.
- What colour's it supposed to turn?
- Blue for not pregnant... which is the colour it's going to turn.
- And red for pregnant?
- Yeah.
Come on, you reds!
- What colour is it now?
- Er, it's still white.
Oi. I've just had a thought. Remember when we broke the light
barrier and saw those echoes from the future?
- Yeah.
- And we saw your future self with twin boys.
Right. And I said, "How is it possible to get two babies without a woman on board?"
And you said, "I don't know, but it's going to be a lot of fun finding out."
- How right you were, Listie!
- Twins? No way, Rimmer. Not twins.
Oh, yes! Big, bonny, strapping,
bouncing boys they were, as well.
Huge heads.
- It's changing colour!
- What colour?
- Yes it is, it's changing colour!
- Yeah, but what colour?
- Yes, it's changing colour!
- WHAT COLOUR?!
It's blue for not pregnant, right?
- Yes!
- Oh, good news, excellent news, Listie!
- Oh, thank God!
- I'm going to be an uncle.
# It's cold outside
# There's no kind of atmosphere
# I'm all alone, more or less
# Let me fly far away from here
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
# Drinking fresh mango juice
# Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun #
