Smega-Drive
by Ganymede & Titan
Series III - Bodyswap - All scenes
(RED DWARF THEME)
(BLEEPS AND WHIRS)
Turn.
There's another. Circuit board
epsilon 14598, red corridor 357.
- Re-routed.
- Turn.
And another. Circuit board theta 29555,
blue corridor 212.
What's happening, guys? It's half ten.
I thought we were playing poker?
- Where have you been? Didn't you get the message?
- What message?
One of the Skutters has
gone bananas,
he's completely rewired the maintenance
decks back to front and upside down
We've got over 2,000 wiring faults.
Don't breathe. Don't touch anything.
- The whole ship's a gigantic booby trap.
- No poker, then?
We can't find the auto-destruct system. It's wired up
to something, but we don't know what. Tell the Cat.
It's taken me ages to mark these cards.
- So, we can't touch anything?
- Nothing electrical. Not until we get the all-clear.
- And how long's that going to take?
- God knows.
Milkshake and a crispy bar. We were supposed to be playing poker tonight, that's gone for a Burton.
Auto-destruct sequence initiated.
The ship will detonate in 15 minutes.
14 minutes, 55 seconds and counting.
- That was a very dumb thing you just did there.
- I wasn't thinking.
Red Dwarf will self-destruct
in 14 minutes and 50 seconds.
Cancel. Clear.
Abandon ship. You have 13 minutes
and 45 seconds to detonation.
- Cancel!
- You have 12 minutes and 45 seconds...
- Cancel!
- You have 10 minutes...
- Cancel!
- You have 9 minutes and 45 seconds.
I said touch nothing, didn't I say 'touch nothing'?!
Look, I just ordered a shake and a crispy bar.
- Lucky you didn't order a double cheeseburger!
- 8 minutes, 20 seconds and counting.
How do we switch it off?
The only person who can override
the auto-destruct is the Captain.
- Dead.
- Or one of the senior officers.
- Dead.
- I suppose in many ways,
I should have updated the system, really.
Is there any way that we can trick the machine
into thinking that one of us is the Captain?
No. Checks his voiceprint and brain scan against its databank.
Self-destruct in eight minutes,
10 seconds and counting.
Think of something, please. You're supposed to
have an IQ of 6,000. Think of something.
- I'm thinking!
- Self-destruct in eight minutes and counting.
- Well?
- I've been through the whole of my database, collated every single option,
and there are three realistic alternatives:
One - sit here and get blown up.
Two - stand here and get blown up.
Three - jump up and down, shout at me for not being
able to think of anything, then get blown up.
- There must be something?
- Perhaps we could try a mind-swap?
It's something we tried once on the Nova 5.
It uses exactly the same science
as generating a hologram.
We wipe all your brain patterns
and put them on a storage disk.
Then we transfer the Captain's mind from
his hologram personality disk into your empty brain.
- You tried this on Nova 5?
- Oh, yes.
- Did it work?
- No, but I'm pretty sure I know what went wrong.
Two minutes to self-destruct and counting.
- So, The Captain's mind will be in my body?
- Yes. Then, hopefully,
the self-destruct mechanism will think you're
the Captain, and you can activate the override.
- But where will my mind be?
- On this.
One minute, 50 seconds and counting.
We couldn't find the Captain's disk, what
about Brown? Brown was Executive Officer.
Yeah. Brown's got clearance.
- Kryten, what's that for?
- It's a mental emetic.
- A what?
- A mind enema...
- So we can flush out your brain.
- Nobody's flushin' out my brain.
- We'll transfer it back afterwards.
- You're not sticking that thing in my head!
One minute and 40 seconds and counting.
- We've got to. It's our only chance.
- Smeg off!
Look, man, I'm not asking
you to do this just for me.
I'm asking... I'm pleading with you- I'm begging you,
do it for the sake of my suits.
Are you just gonna stand by and let my scarlet PVC morning suit
with the imitation King Penguin-fur collars
get blown to smithereens?
- Could you live with yourself?
- One minute, 30 seconds and counting.
Look, Lister, I agree, it's a stupid idea.
It almost certainly won't work,
but the very worst that can
happen, the absolute bottom line,
is that you'll have to spend the rest of your life
as a mindless gibbering vegetable.
But if the rest of your life is only
going to be 30 seconds, what the hell?
Do it.
(RAPID BLEEPING)
Keep that safe. It's Lister's mind.
55 seconds to detonation.
- (WOMAN'S VOICE) What's happening? What the hell is going on?
- Sir, there's no time to explain, but
by a bizarre series of accidents
the ship's auto-destruct system has got
switched on, and we need you to deactivate it.
Something's wrong. Something's different.
Wait a minute, I never used to be a man!
- Look, you stupid woman, we'll explain later.
- Why have I got male sexual organs?
If we don't override the auto-destruct
system in the next 20 seconds,
those male sexual organs will be in orbit
around the nearest planet,
along with every one else's organs,
sexual or otherwise.
- 15 seconds to detonation.
- Abort sequence X-1-X.
- Identify.
- Carol Brown, Executive Officer,
security clearance 0-1-0-1-0-1.
Pause for verification.
Verification rejected. Abort denied.
Auto-destruct sequence continued.
Detonation in 5 seconds.
- Sen-smegging-sational.
- Well done, fink face.
- Three...
- What a brilliant, brilliant plan.
- Two...
- Just great.
One. Initiate self-destruct,
Thank you for using
Auto-Serve Dispensing Machines.
- Number one in quality. Number one in taste.
- What happened?
It must have been wired up to the warning system but not the bomb.
So where's the bomb?
We haven't got a bomb.
- What?
- I got rid of it ages ago.
- Why didn't you say?
- You never asked.
Fine. Terrific! But remember this -
you're getting my underwear bill, buddy.
- You awake?
- (LISTER) Yeah, can't sleep.
- Probably those kippers you had for supper.
- Nothing wrong with kippers for supper.
But kippers vindaloo?
It can't be good for you. I mean, a curry
every night cannot be good for you.
It's certainly no good for me.
I'm thinking of getting a canary in a cage.
- You what?
- Check out the room. See if it's safe for me to come in.
- Come on, I'm not that bad!
- Not that bad?
You don't sweat sweat, you sweat madras sauce.
- Why all the sudden interest in my diet?
- It's not just your diet, Lister.
It's your health in general. Face facts, you eat crap, you don't exercise,
you smoke, you drink... and
frankly, it's beginning to show.
- I'm OK.
- You're getting porky.
Porky?
Last week, when there was that lights failure in the
engine room, your silhouette was cast onto the wall.
I got the fright of my life. I
thought it was Alfred Hitchcock.
Are you sayin' I've got a gut?
You've got more gut than a
Turkish butcher's shop window.
No no, really. Do you
think I've put on weight?
You've reached that age, Listy.
When you're younger, you can eat what you like, drink what you like
and still climb into your 26-inch waist
trousers and zip them closed.
Then you reach that age - 24, 25 -
your muscles give up, they wave a little white flag,
then without warning at all,
you're suddenly a fat bastard.
I'm not fat, I'm porky!
Have you ever in dissection class, held up a frog by its head?
You know the way its belly sort of
sticks out above its spindly little legs?
Well, that's the picture I see when you
get down from the bunk in the morning.
Maybe you're right. Yeah,
I'm gonna start working out in the gym.
Of course, you could always...
- No, you'd never agree to it.
- What?
We do a swap.
My mind in your body, yours in mine.
You saw how easy it was with Brown. Lend me
your body for a few weeks, and I'll get it fit for you.
Plenty of exercise, sensible diet,
no more booze, no more ciggies.
It'll be like a 12,000-mile service
for your body.
- And in the meantime, I'm a hologram?
- It won't be too bad if it's only for a couple of weeks.
You're talking as if it was a pair of hedge
trimmers or a lawnmower or something.
I'd give it you back. I'd return it intact.
More than intact, it'd be fitter.
Rimmer, you're not having possession of my body.
What are you worried about?
How can I treat it any worse than you do?
You admit you don't look after it. Don't exercise it, don't feed it properly.
I would. What do you say?
(RAPID BLEEPING)
(LISTER) No welchin'.
(RIMMER) Of course not.
(LISTER) A fortnight.
(RIMMER) 14 days.
- Two weeks.
- Absolutely-doodly.
(HUMS MILITARY TUNE)
(UNZIPS)
This hat is smegging stupid.
I look like Captain Emerald.
- Holly, do somethin' about it, man.
- OK, Dave.
Brutal.
(RIMMER) What's this under his nails?
Oh, my God!
I'm going to have this dirt carbon dated.
Luncheon, sir.
Ah! Food. Real food.
To eat, perchance to taste.
It's exactly as you ordered, sir.
The lightly poached Mimian bladder fish,
the four dozen oysters,
duck's feet in abalone sauce...
I can touch, I can taste, I can smell!
Roast suckling pig stuffed
with chestnuts and truffles.
- Mmm!
- Mashed potato.
- With cream and butter?
- A pint of cream and a full pound of butter, sir.
Let the orgy commence!
(GUZZLES AND GRUNTS)
(SLURPS)
How's the diet goin'?
Do you know something, I think I went
temporarily insane. It was just too much.
I haven't tasted food in three million
and two years. I was like an animal.
I want my body back now!
Oh, it won't happen again. It was just
something I had to get out of my system.
MY system. Why
are you smoking?
- One cigar!
- You're supposed to be getting me fit.
- I'll start tomorrow.
- You better bleeding had do.
Hey! What are you doing dressed like that?
Why do you want to look
like Goalpost-Head? Have you flipped?
You want to model yourself on a man so has
ears so large that they pick up satellite TV?
Why do you want to look
like that smeg-head Rimmer?
- Because...
- Ahhh!!!!
I am that smeg-head Rimmer.
(LECHEROUS GROANING)
Please! These are supposed to be women?
Ah, this is what I call training.
That letter, that letter, that letter. There.
Hey, hey, hey! I've got you now, buddy!
J-O-Z-X-Y-Q-K.
- That's not a word.
- It's a cat word.
- Jozxyqk?
- That's not how you pronounce it.
- What's it mean?
- It's the sound you make
when you trap your sexual organs
in something - "Jozxyqk!!"
- Is it in the dictionary?
- It could be.
If you were reading in the nude
and closed the book too quick... "Jozxyqk!!"
Ah! What a session! What a work out!
No pain, no gain, Listy.
- On the scales. I want to weigh you.
- There's no need. Look at that stomach.
Flat as a pancake. Hasn't been like that in years.
- Scales, please.
- There's really no need.
On the scales!
- You've put on two stone!
- Of course I've put on two stone
I've been taking yeast extract,
building up your body.
- Take the robe off.
- What for?
- Take it off.
- I don't want you looking at my naked body.
- It's not your naked body it's mine!
- What's he hiding?
- Off with the robe.
- Just let me say this-
Off!
Oh, this? This is a hernia-prevention belt.
- I must've forgotten to take it off.
- It's a girdle.
- 'Course it isn't.
- Why has it got those little dangly things for holding up stockings?
They're for attaching extra weights to,
so you can get fit as you walk around.
I want me body back now.
Look, OK. I went a bit bananas the first few
days, but I promise you that's all over now.
Don't you see it's in my interest to get you into shape.
This could become a regular thing.
14 days a year, I could have your body.
In fact, next year if it's convenient.
I'd like the last two weeks of July.
- I want it back.
- One last chance?
- No more troughing.
- I promise.
And take that girdle off. It doesn't suit me.
(MOANING AND SLURPING)
Holly, lights!
That's it! I'm completely sick of it.
- (MOUTH FULL) Lister? Is that you?
- That is IT!
- What is it?
- You've been porking again, haven't you?
- I have not!
- I want my body back now.
- I've only had it a week!
- This was not the deal. You've welched on it!