Smega-Drive
by Ganymede & Titan
Series IV - Camille - All scenes
("RED DWARF" THEME)
- OK, let's try again. What is it?
- It's a banana.
No, it isn't, try again. What is it?
- A banana?
- No, it isn't. What is it?
It's an urrrr... It's an urrrr...
It's an orange. Go on, say it. It's an orange.
- This is an orange.
- It's an orrrr...
It's an orrrr... It's a banana.
It's no good, sir. I just can't do it.
You CAN do it.
I'm gonna teach you how. OK, what's this?
- An ap...
- No, no, no, what is it?
Oh, it's no good, sir. I just can't lie.
I'm programmed always to tell the truth.
Kryten, it's easy. Look - an orange, a melon,
a female aardvark.
Oh, that is just so superb, sir!
How DO you do that?
Especially calling a banana an aardvark.
An aardvark isn't even a
fruit. Hahaha. It's total genius.
- Let's start again.
- Sir, my head is spinning, we've been doing this all morning.
Kryten, I'm going to teach you how to lie and cheat, if it's the last thing I do.
I want you to be unpleasant, cruel and sarcastic.
It's the only way to break your programming, man. Make you independent.
Well, I'm truly grateful, sir. Don't you think I'd
love to be deceitful, unpleasant and offensive.
Those are the human qualities
I admire the most. But I just can't do it.
- You can!
- I can't.
- Look, what's this?
- No!
- What is it?
- Please!
- Come on! What is it?!
- It's a... It's a...
It's a small,
off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden.
Yes! You did it! You did it! What's this?
- It's a red and blue striped golfing umbrella.
- Kryten! Yes!
- What's this?
- It's an apple.
- No. What is it?
- It's a... It's...
It's the Bolivian navy on manoeuvres in the South Pacific!
- Kryten, man, you can do it.
- No, I can't.
Yes, you... ooh, ooh. Nice one!
Well, I can't hang around here.
I better go away and take the penguin for a walk.
I can do it! I did it again! I can lie!
- Cat, Cat!, come here. Come here. Check this. Check this.
- Check what?
Concentrate, Kryten. What's this?
It's a banana.
- What's this?
- It's an orange.
- What's this?
- (SQUEAKS) Apple.
You taught him that? That's terrific.
You two should audition for "What's My Fruit?"
- He did it wrong, man.
- Oh, it gets better?
- I just can't do it.
- You can, you just did it.
I just can't do it, not when there's someone else there.
What's a suitable human analogy?
It's like trying to urinate in a public lavatory, when
you're standing next to a man two foot taller than you.
- It's just not possible.
- What are you trying to do, exactly?
- He's trying to teach me how to lie, sir.
- Any particular reason?
Yeah. Lying's a vital part of your psychological
defence system. You're naked without it.
If you can't lie, then you can't conceal
your true intentions from other people.
Sometimes that's essential.
I mean like, take Nelson, when he put the telescope
to his blind eye and said, "I see no ships."
Or like Humphrey Bogart at the end of "Casablanca", when
he lies to Victor Laszlo to protect the guy's feelings.
I understand the theory, sir.
How many times have you made me watch that movie?
I understand that it can be noble to lie.
I just can't do it.
Kryten, you can. Look, what's this?
It's a banana. It always has been a
banana. It always will be a banana.
It's a yellow fruit that you unzip and eat the white bits. It's a banana!
- Lister, have you got Kryten there with you?
- Yeah, what's the prob?
The problem is I've been waiting fully
20 minutes for him in the hangar.
Oh, spin my nipple nuts and send me to Alaska!
I'm supposed to take him asteroid spotting.
- I'll be right down, sir.
- You'd better be.
Kryten, remember yesterday's class, 'An Introduction To Insults'?
I'm not sure...
Now, how do we describe the
gentleman who's just been on the screen?
- He's Mr R...
- No, no, no. Come on. He's a...
- He's a smeee...
- Nearly. Come on. Nearly.
- He's a smeee...
- He's a...
He's a smeee... He's a smeeeg...
heeeeead.
I did it!
Brutal. Now the ultimate test -
can you say it to him in person?
Ah, Kryten. At last.
Glad you could make it this millennium.
Smeeeee....
- Pardon?
- Smeeeee...heeeee....
- What?
- You're a smeeeee...heeeee....
Oh, forget it.
(RIMMER) Kryten is there any possibility we
could we go just a bit faster?
I mean, so we're not being
overtaken by stationary objects?
Sir, you're a smeeeee...
- A smee.
- A smeeeee.. heeeee....
A smee-hee.
A complete and total one.
Hang about. I'm picking something up.
Some kind of distress beacon.
I copy that, Holly. Quadrant four-niner-seven.
- What is it?
- Hard to tell,
but whatever it is appears to be marooned on a planet in decaying orbit.
- What's the safety margin?
- Planet'll explode in about two hours.
- Forget it. It's too dangerous. Kryten, head for home.
- We can't just leave them there, sir.
- There may be survivors.
- Leave it, Kryten. That's an order.
(BLEEPING)
- What are you doing?!
- I'm not plotting a course, sir. Nor am I taking her down.
Yes, you are!
Neither am I rendezvousing with the
crashed vessel, nor seeking for survivors.
Kryten, are committing an act of mutiny.
I could have you dismantled for this.
Smeeeeeg.... heeeee....
Oh, damn my programming!
(ENGINES ROAR)
(TV SHOW THEME PLAYING)
Not back yet? They've been hours.
- No sign. What are you watching?
- Oh, just a vid.
- This is a classic, man.
- What is it?
"Tales Of The Riverbank: The Next Generation."
Oh, right. I've seen this.
It's not as good as the original.
Well, they never really found anyone to replace Hammy Hamster, did they?
How could they? The dude was a diva.
He smouldered. The camera loved him.
Yeah. He was the rodent equivalent
of Marlon Brando.
Whatever happened to old Hammy?
One minute he's a huge star running
around on his own personalised gold wheel
with as much Edam as he
could hold in his little cheeks,
the next, obscurity.
Probably went on the slide. The series
ended, couldn't find any more work,
and then the
ultimate humiliation...
hamstergrams.
Well, thanks a bunch.
Thanks a smegging buncharoony.
- Rimmer, where are you?
- That idiot droid has endangered this entire vessel
by landing on a planet that's about to explode,
thanks to your foundation course
in advanced rebellion.
- Why?
- So he can go and search some starship escape vessel
because there's a million-to-one
chance there may be a survivor.
What? And you let
him go off on his own?
Of course I let him go on his
own. I was glad to get rid of him.
He's flipped. He's got mad droid disease.
He kept waving a banana in front
of me and calling it a female aardvark.
Ah, well, hmm, you'd better get after him then hadn't you?
- I mean, he might need some help.
- Lister, this is your fault.
Hello? Is there anyone here?
Can anyone read me?
Oh, dear. What a terrible mess.
Ohh!
Help! Mr Rimmer, sir! Sir?
I thank you from the very bottom
of my rehydration units. You saved my life.
You responded to my distress call.
You saved mine.
- My name is Kryten.
- They call me Camille. Pleased to make your acquaintance.
- Are you a 4000 series?
- Yes, I'm the 4000 series GTi.
GTi! Oh, wow!
I'm just a plain old 4000 series.
You've got all the luxury extras,
like realistic toes and a slide-back sunroof head.
Why are you looking at me like that?
Is there something wrong?
Sorry. Stare mode cancel.
It's just you have really amazing eyes.
Well...they're just the old 579s
with the automatic 15 F-stop cornea.
If you like, I could pop them out
and you could borrow them.
Oh, heck. What a jerky thing to say.
I don't believe you would ever say
anything which I would consider jerky.
- Really?
- Really.
Wow. Uh, listen,
I...I know this is going to sound like a corny line,
but has anyone ever told you that the configuration and
juxtaposition of your features is extraordinarily apposite?
- You really know all the lines, don't you?
- No, I really mean it.
The way the light catches the angles in your head -
it's enchanting.
- My name is Kryten.
- You already said.
Oh yes, Gosh. You must think me
as stupid as a photocopier.
So, where are the crew? What happened here?
Kryten, do you believe
in advanced mutual compatibility
on the basis of a primary initial ident?
You mean, what humans call "love at first sight"?
That would be an adequate synonym, yes.
Well, up until a few moments ago, I would have
said it had a probability of zero squared.
- And now?
- Uh... This gantry is unstable.
I suggest you hang on to me.
Oh, what is that fragrance? It smells divine.
- WD-40.
- I knew it.
I knew it. That's what I use on my neck hinges too.
Kryten, this shouldn't be happening.
Do you feel it too?
You mean the 93.72% compatibility factor?
- I make it 93.75.
- Oh, yes. I forgot to carry the three.
Then say it. I want
to hear the words.
Oh, but it sounds so ridiculous
coming from a mechanoid.
- Then say them in machine language.
- OK.
In Z80012, you see, hex rather than binary,
and converting to a basic ASCII code,
Camille, I think I E5-A9-08-B7 you.
- You really mean that?
- Camille, I'd do anything for you.
I'd compute a three-million-digit prime number with prime
roots, if I thought it would make you happy.
I'd evaluate pi to infinity if it would make you smile.
Oh, Kryten.
You make the most romantic calculations.
(RIMMER) Kryten, can you read me?
What's happening?
- There are others?
- Yes, why? What's wrong?
- I can't meet them.
- What do you mean?
The two of us alone, we could make that work.
Please, don't ask me to explain.
But Camille, this whole planet
is about to blow, there isn't time!
Please, I can't meet your shipmates.
Trust me.
But you don't know them. You'll like them.
Well, some of them.
Well, one of them...maybe.
Sir. I'm making my way back.
- What's kept you?
- I've found a survivor, sir. We're coming in.
Kryten, please don't make me do this. I'm begging you.
Now just relax. Everything's going to be fine.
Mr Rimmer, sir?
- Where the smeg have you been?
- Mr Rimmer, sir. This is Camille.
Camille, this is Second Tech Rimmer.
She saved my life, sir.
(DREAMY MUSIC)
Yes, well... Howdy.
- Howdy.
- You see? I knew you'd get along. Didn't I tell you?
Well, we haven't got much time. I'd better go and startup
the engines and get us clear of the impact zone.
- I'll come with you.
- No, no, no, no. You wait here and get acquainted.
Can I get you anything... or anything?
No. No, no. I'm fine, thanks.
I just can't believe I've met another hologram
after all these years.
- Yes. I was Second Technician aboard that crate.
- Second Technician, that's what I am.
I always wanted to go further,
but I'm a real dope when it comes to exams.
Me too.
So, er... what do they call you?
Well, my first name is Arnold,
but the guys generally call me... Duke.
Duke?
Yes, well they don't call me
Duke, not absolutely all the time.
In fact, sometimes months can elapse
and they won't call me "Duke" at all.
So don't call me "Duke" in front of anyone...
because they might have forgotten...
you know, that they call me "Duke".
Sorry, I'm blabbering,
I'm not very good at small talk.
- Oh, I think you're perfectly charming.
- Do you?
Well, thank you.
No one's ever said I was charming before.
They've said, "Rimmer, you're a total git,"
but never charming, no.
- Well, I think you're very charming.
- Really?
Very, VERY charming.
Well, thank you. Um...thank you.
I'd just better go
and see how er... Kryten's getting on.
Excusez-moi.
- She's quite something, isn't she, sir?
- She's enchanting.
- You think so?
- She's got everything -
style, taste, poise...
- She's absolutely lovely.
- Oh, I'm so glad you think so, sir.
I don't mind telling you, I think
there's some romance in the air.
You sly old dog, Krytie! I think you're right.
Sure, her nose is a little loose, but to me that's just cute.
I'll tell you something. She's so like
my sister-in-law Janine, it's untrue.
Camille looks like your sister-in-law?
What happened?
Was she involved in some
kind of horrific car accident?
Who, Janine? No, of course not, she was a model.
- And she looked like Camille?
- Absolutely. The resemblance is uncanny.
What did she model? Spark plugs?
- I happen to think she's very attractive.
- You do?!
- Certainly.
- Do you think I'm attractive?
You? Of course not. I think you look like
a giant half-chewed rubber-tipped pencil.
Well... well you can think what the heck you like,
because there are some people in this big old wide
cosmos, who happen to think I'm pretty amazing-looking,
especially in the eye department,
I thank you so very much.
You're back. I heard.
- Ah, sir, you haven't met our visitor, Camille.
- Hi.
Well, if you'll excuse me,
I'll go and prepare your quarters.
The penthouse suite on A Deck should suffice.
Yeah, well, this looks fine. If you just like to
remove your clothes, we'll begin the examination.
Sorry. Dave Lister, ship's surgeon.
- You're a surgeon?
- Well, I'm not fully qualified,
but I've seen every episode of "St Elsewhere".
Still, if it makes you feel
uncomfortable, y'know,
we can completely dispense
with the physical examination
and go straight for the malpractice.
So just lie back, relax, and I'll go turn on the laughing gas.
What do you want, giggles or
guffaws? It's all the same to me.
Something tells me you're not really a doctor.
What gave it away? The fact that I've gone
fully ten seconds without patronising you?
This is weird, y'know. The last two human beings in an
infinite cosmos and we happen to bump into each other?
- Yeah, it is weird, isn't it?
- And you realise we have an awesome responsibility?
- We do?
- Yeah. Sure we do.
We gotta rebuild the human race...
as quickly as possible.
Do you wanna start now or do
you want to clean your teeth first?
And they say romance is dead.
Hey, the prospect of making love to a complete and
total stranger is just as galling to me, yknow?
We've got to be completely professional
about this, totally clinical and unemotional.
So just lie back, relax, and I'll go
slip into my Spiderman costume.
Ah, Listy. I see you've met our ravishing guest.
- Camille, have you seen Kryten?
- He went up to the penthouse suite on A Deck.
Thanks muchly.
Oh, Camille... It's just a silly thought, really,
but I thought perhaps after you've settled in and you're
feeling up to it, we could pop up to the projection room
and I could talk you through my photo
collection of 20th-century telegraph poles.
Yeah, or if you fancy a slightly
more entertaining evening,
you can just let him take you outside
and shoot you through the head.
As it happens, Listy, Camille is into
telegraph poles every bit as much as I am,
especially the 1952 Phase IVs
with the triple-reinforced wire.