(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC)
This is an SOS distress call
from the mining ship "Red Dwarf".
The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak.
The only survivors were: Dave Lister,
who was in suspended animation
during the disaster,
and his pregnant cat,
who was safely sealed in the hold.
Revived three million years later,
Lister's only companions are:
a life form who evolved from his cat
and Arnold Rimmer - a hologram
simulation of one of the dead crew.
I am Holly, the ship's computer,
with an IQ of 6,000 -
the same IQ as 6,000 PE teachers.
# In a crater, on a ast'roid
excavating for a mine,
# Lived an old plutonium miner,
and his daughter Clementine #
- Lister. RD 52 169.
- Yeth? Can I help you?
- You've got a lisp.
- Yeth, I know.
The lithp malfunction has been reported to
the Thkutterth. Thorry for the inconvenienth.
Give me a bacon sandwich
with French mustard and black coffee.
(MACHINE HUMS)
Your vocabulary unit's not working either.
Yeth, I know. Thith altho hath been reported to
the Thkutterth.Thorry for the inconvenienth.
- Can you just try and give me a black coffee?
- l'll thertainly try.
- That's a bucket.
- Thorry.
# Do, do, do, da da...# Morning, Lister.
How's life in hippie heaven, you pregnant
baboon-bellied space beatnik?
What's the plan for today, then?
Slobbing in the morning, followed
by slobbing in the afternoon,
then a snooze before the main evening slob?
God, you're a disgrace to the species!
Good morning, Rimmer.
Clock stop! 6.47.
Not a bad little time for the mile.
Pity I was only doing the 300 metres.
I had that conversation with Lister.
Knock...4 minutes off for that.
but I stopped to have a rest, so I wouldn't
look too shagged out when I went past him.
Knock *that* off
and...I've broken the world record!
Well done, Rimmsy, you're fitter than you thought.
Holly, give me a clean uniform.
- 9:47 am, Arnold.
- No, a clean uniform, you idiot.
- Look, I'm rather busy at the moment.
- Now!
(HOLLY SIGHS)
And give me a crewcut, Holly. I'm beginning
to look like one of those Hell's Angels.
Arnold, we're going to hit
light speed in 24 hours.
I have to navigate a ship the size of a city
through speeds never before encountered
in the human sphere of experience
I'm not a combination of the Speaking
Clock, Moss Bros and Teasy-Weasy.
Holly, a hologram I may be.
But I'm still the highest ranking
technician aboard this ship.
When I say do something, you do it.
Understand? You stupid, jumped-up filofax.
- I'm a what?
- You heard.
- Just get on with it. Very short.
- OK, Arnold.
- Have you done it, Hol?
- Yes.
- A crewcut, and it's very short?
- Yes, Arnold.
As my father always said, shiny clean boots
and a spanking short haircut,
and you can cope with anything.
He said that just before all that
unfortunate suicide business.
Ah, now that one's me with Jim Bexley Speed.
He played for the London Jets
Zero Gravity Football Team.
He was Roof Attack.
And as you can see, he was really,
really, really, really, really thrilled to meet me.
- Who's that guy?
- That's me grandmother.
She brought me up. She was a great old lady.
i got expelled from school once because she nutted
the headmaster when I came bottom in French.
Wow. That's nice.
It's just a Jupiter rise. Everyone takes that shot.
Who is that?!
That's me Dad. It's the only picture I've got of him.
He's your father? No wonder you so ugly.
- No, that's his dog, Hannah.
- Dawwg? What's a dawwg?
- It's just a pet.
- Ugleeeeee!
Listen, you go get your stuff and let me pack mine.
OK, will you do that for me?
This...er 'dog'. He better not be around here
anyplace, because if he is I may have to chase him.
- Oh, yeah.
-Yeah
- Do you know how big they are?
They're about 18 foot long and
they've got teeth as big as your leg.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Well, I may have to chase him anyway.
Oh!
Oh, Lennon! Look what's happened to McCartney.
So, mechanical engineering!
Hey! Perfection!
And they said you was a waste of money.
- What's he looking at?
- Who?
That idiotic cat.
- Rimmer, what have you done to your hair?
- Holly did it.
- Why?
- Because I ordered him to.
- It looks ridiculous.
- It may look ridiculous to you, Lister
but I like it like this. makes me feel like a man.
Yeah. And you'll probably
get one, looking like that.
Nothing wrong with short hair, Lister. It gives a man
a sense of dignity, a sense of discipline.
- Rimmer, have you seen it?
- I don't need to see it.
I didn't get this haircut to look good.
This is a haircut designed for action,
not poncing around in.
Maybe a bit severe. A bit too Green Beret.
But you are how you look, and I look...
like a complete and total tit!
Holly! Holly!
This is a recording. I'm afraid
Holly is busy at the moment.
If you'd like to leave a message
after the bleep, he'll get back to you.
Bleep.
Holly, this is Rimmer. Remember me? Rimmer.
Arnold Rimmer. The poor goit
you made look like Helen Shapiro.
I'll see you toast on the fires of Hell for this.
Did someone say they wanted toast?
Shut up.
- What are you doing?
- I'm going into stasis, I thought Holly told you?
Stasis? What for?
Well, Holly said to go into it
while we went through light speed.
And then I thought, what the hell, why not stay
till we get back to Earth.
Earth?! But, that's
three million years away.
You can't leave me alone for
three million years, I'll go peculiar.
Holly, look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude.
Can I please have my own hair back?
- Pretty please, with sugar on?
- I'll think about it, Arnold.
Holly's supposed to have told you.
I thought you didn't mind.
Mind? Mind? Why should I mind?
Three hundred thousand millennia alone,
while you're in suspended animation?
I'll be fine, I'll do that crossword book -
that should kill a couple of centuries.
Holly'll switch you off
until we come back out.
Even better, switch me on, switch me off,
like I'm some battery-powered sex aid.
- Oh, come on, Rimmer. Don't give me this.
- Don't give you what?
I'm dead, Lister, or hadn't you noticed?
I know you're dead, Rimmer,
don't whinge on about it!
Sorry to be a bore.
I mean, you're everything
you were when you were alive.
Same personality, same everything.
Apart from the miniscule
detail that I'm a stiffy.
Rimmer, death isn't the handicap
it used to be in the olden days.
It doesn't screw up
your career like it used to.
That's what they say, Lister, but if
you had two people coming for a job
and one of them was
dead, which would you pick?
it depends which was better qualified.
Bullpats. When was the last
time you saw a dead newsreader?
Channel 27 had a hologram reading the news.
Oh...groovy, funky Channel 27.
Big smegging deal. You livvies hate us deadies.
Rimmer, If I'm gonna go back to Earth,
I'm going to have to go into stasis.
It's gonna take 4,000 years just to turn around.
You can't do a three-point turn when
you're this close to Light speed, you know?
Oh, really? And where did you read that?
The Ladybird Book of Astronavigation?
It happens to be true.
I know, it's true, modo. I have taken
the astronavigation exam. Nine times.
Ten, if you count the time I had my spasm.
Rimmer, you'll only be turned off until we get back to Earth.
Where you won't need me,
so I won't get switched back on.
They might be able to cure you. They probably
made great advances and that while we've been away.
Oh, yes I expect they cured death
the instant we left Earth.
I expect doctors' surgeries
are packed with the dead.
"Hello, Mrs Johnson, take one
of these three times a day,
"you'll soon be living again.
Carole, next corpse, please."
- They might.
- Yes, Lister, they might if the Earth hasn't blown up.
Or the ants haven't taken over.
well, you'll be in your element if the insects
are in control. You'll probably get a decent job at last.
- Yeah, yeah.
- You'll probably run for government.
- Yeah, yeah.
- You'll probably even make it as a male model.
Git.
# To Ganymede and Titan
# Yes, sir, I've been around.
# But there ain't no place
in the whole of...space
# Like that good ol' toddlin' town...
# Oh, oohh...
# Lunar City... #
# Lunar City 7... #
You can't sing, you know.
- You can, can you?
- Oh, just because I'm a toaster, I'm tone deaf?
Well, go on, then.
(SMOOTH VOICE) Welcome to the Starlight Ballroom...
# Fly me to the moon and let me... #
# Lunar City 7... #
(LISTER CONTINUES SINGING)
- What was that?!
- Er, 11:14 Ship Time, Dave.
No, Holly, what was that flash?
We've broken the light barrier 22 hours early.
Is everyone all right?
I can't do it. I can't cope.
We're going at the speed of light.
Me bottle's gone.
Holly, is everyone all right?
No, I'm not. I thought
I could navigate at light speed
but I just can't wrap me head round it.
Gordon Bennet, that was a close one!
Holly, what's the problem? You're
supposed to have an IQ of 6,000 aren't ya?
Look, we're travelling faster than the speed of light.
That means, by the time we see something,
we've already passed through it.
Even with an IQ of 6,000,
it's still brown trousers time.
Can I help?
No, it's all right.
I'm getting the hang of it now.
Left a bit..straighten her up. I better go.
# To Ganymede and Titan,
Yes, sir, I've been around... #
Rimmer! Rimmer!
(SILENT)
# To Ganymede and Titan,
Yes, sir, I've been... #
Rimmer!
What? What is it?
Do you see anything really weird in that mirror?
Yes. You, you ugly goit.
- No. It was really odd.
- What was?
Nothing. Forget it, doesn't matter.
- What doesn't matter?
- Nothing, forget it, it doesn't matter.
Lister, have you been at
that marijuana gin again?
I said forget it! It doesn't matter.
Fine! Well, if you have more problems with nothing
and things that don't matter,
just scream my name hysterically,
and I'll come pelting down the corridor, alright?
# This little kitty went to stasis...
# This little kitty stayed at home
# Ooohh, aaaahh, tcheee...
- # My clothes look good...#
- What are you doing?
I'm doing what you said do.
I said, "take a few essential basics
you couldn't bear to leave behind."
Right. These are all I'm taking.
Just these and the other ten racks.
Travel light, move fast.
You can't take all of this. There's no room.
OK. Then I'll leave...this.
I'll just have to do without it.
- You can take two suits and that's it!
- Two suits?
- Then I'm staying.
- You can't stay.
- When I come out, you'll be dead.
- Two suits IS dead.
If I cut off my leg and leave it behind,
can I take three?
Going into stasis in 10 minutes,
I'll meet you in the sleeping quarters.
- Yo, Rimmer, look I've been thinking.
- What?
- You know, about going into stasis and everything?
- How did I do what?
What do you mean, "How did I do what?"
- Lister, don't be a gimboid.
- I'm not being a gimboid.
I've just been in the library thinking, and I've decided...
Shut up.
As I was saying
before I was so rudely interrupted,
I've decided when you go into stasis
I want to stay behind, I wanna be left on.
On your own, for the rest of your life?
- What things?
- Eh?!
- I said, what?!
- What's going on?
- You are space crazy.
- I'M space crazy?!
You're the one who's...space crazy.
Well, it probably is
déja-vu. It sounds like it.
Aaaagh! Rimmer, I've just seen you
walk out of that door.
- What?
- How did you do that?
- How did I do what?
- You just this second walked out of that door.
Lister, don't be a gimboid.
I swear, on me grandmother's life, as you
walked out that door, you came in this one.
I've just been in the library thinking, and I've decided...
- Rimmer, I'm telling you...
- Shut up.
As I was saying
before I was so rudely interrupted,
I've decided when you go into stasis
I want to stay behind, I wanna be left on.
Rimmer, you've just come in
and said exactly these things.
- What things?
- You said that.
- I said what?!
- And that. You said that.
- You are space crazy.
- And then you said...
"Well, it probably is déja-vu."
Well, it probably is
déja-vu. It sounds like it.
Well, go on, then: shake your head and walk out.
Rimmer, listen. Will you just listen?
My tooth! My tooth! I think I lost my tooth!
Cat, wait. Rimmer, listen.
# I'm gonna eat you little fishies #
# I'm gonna eat you litt-- # oh-oh...ah-ha!
I was just making sure your fish are OK.
I wasn't going to eat them.
- He just walked past us.
- It must be something to do with light speed.
- Holly, what's going on?
- It's light speed, I bet ya.
- Is your name Holly?
- "Is your name Holly" (?)
- Holly!
- Hmm?
What is going on?
Look, I'm a 10th generation Al hologramic computer.
I'm not your mum.
Yes, fantastic.
Do you want this time? A hand with your homework?
Or would you like me to sew little nametags in your PE kit?
