by Ganymede & Titan
Series VI - Psirens - All scenes
("RED DWARF" THEME)
Who the hell are you?
Oh, welcome back on-line, sir.
- How are you feeling?
- Not good. I don't know who I am.
- Where is this place?
- Oh, you have a touch of amnesia.
That's not uncommon after a
prolonged period in deep sleep.
- You have been out for over 200 years.
- 200 years?!
I tried to wake you up in the spring, but you
absolutely insisted on another three months.
I've just been preparing your breakfast tray.
These cornflakes have got
grated raw onions sprinkled on them.
Well, that's how you like them, sir.
Ugh! (SPITS) The orange juice is revolting!
That's not orange juice, sir. That's your early
morning pick-me-up, chilled vindaloo sauce.
I drink cold curry sauce for breakfast?
Well, it depends on your mood.
If you wake up in the afternoon, you generally prefer
to start the day with a can of last night's flat lager.
That's why you sleep with a tea strainer next to
your bed - so you can sieve out the cigar dimps.
I drink and I smoke and I have
cold curry sauce for breakfast?
I sound like some barely human
Oh, it's all flooding back, is it, sir?
No. None of it is.
Perhaps this will help.
Your personal artefacts.
Kristine Kochanski. You dated her once for three
weeks before she discarded you for a catering officer.
- She's beautiful.
- It's your ambition, sir, somehow some day,
to win her back, and then lie on top of
her and move up and down rapidly
in that curious way
that humans find so agreeable.
Personally, I prefer partnership whist.
What? I play guitar?
Do I have a head like an amusing ice cube?
Go ahead, chuck out a few power chords.
See if anything comes back.
(OFF-KEY, AIMLESS STRUMMING)
Yeah! The axe man is back!
Don't patronise me. I can't play guitar.
Anyone with half an ear can tell that.
Sir, as soon as your
personality is fully restored,
you will firmly believe you can
play guitar like the ghost of Hendrix.
Is there something good you can tell me
about myself? Something... laudable?
Laudable... Hmm... You sometimes help me out
with my laundry duties
by turning your underpants inside out
and extending the wear time by three weeks.
I'm an animal. I'm a tasteless,
uncouth, mindless, tone-deaf,
randy, blokeish, semi-literate space bum.
Oh! Welcome back, Mr Lister, sir!
- What's that?
- That's Mr Rimmer, sir. This is his light bee.
- He's a hologram.
- He's my best mate, isn't he?
- Sir, you are sick!
Maybe a touch of synaptic enhancer will do the trick.
Initiating boot-up sequence.
Downloading physical form.
Access personality banks. Load arrogance.
Oh, THAT Rimmer.
Nice cornflakes. Nice and oniony.
Can you pass us that Tabasco
sauce? Just needs a bit more pep in it.
You're well on the way to full recall.
Next thing you know, you'll be
convinced you can play the guitar.
I CAN play the guitar!
I'm a diva, man! I make that lump of wood sing
like a Yukon bear trapper
on his annual visit to the brothel.
That's as maybe, bud, but the deal stays the same.
I know, I know. If I want to strum my guitar,
I've gotta put on a suit and do it in outer space.
- I suggest we start debriefing.
- Mr Rimmer?
- Thank you, Kryten.
as we all aware, we have lost Red Dwarf.
This is not the time for
small-minded, petty recrimination.
The time for that is when we get back
to Earth and Lister is court-martialled.
- I didn't lose it.
- Come on, Listy. You're the one who parked it
You're the one who can't remember
which planetoid you left it around.
They're all the same, those little blue-green
planetoids - blue-green and planetoidy.
Sirs, there's no advantage in finger-pointing.
We didn't lose Red Dwarf. Red Dwarf was stolen
from us by persons or life-forms unknown.
Who'd steal a gigantic red trash can with no
brakes and three million years on the clock?
genetically engineered life-forms,
figments of Mr Lister's imagination
made solid by some weird space ray.
Who knows? The important thing is that after
200 years following their vapour trail, we have them.
- What do you mean?
- They've been forced to make a massive detour
to circumnavigate this asteroid belt.
However, Starbug is small enough to negotiate
its way straight through the middle.
For the first time for two centuries, we have the opportunity to
head them off at the pass', as it were, and recover Holly.
Kryten, you're forgetting
about Space Corps Directive 1742.
1742? "No member of the Corps should ever
report for duty in a ginger toupee".
Well, thank you for reminding me of that regulation, sir,
but I can't see how it is pertinent to our present situation?
- 1743, then.
- Oh, I see.
No registered vessel should attempt to
traverse an asteroid belt without deflectors.
- Yes! God, he's pedantic.
- Rimmer, check out the supply situation.
Your hologram's on battery back-up.
Oxygen for three months.
Water, if we drink recyc, seven weeks.
And, worst of all, we're down to our last 2,000
poppadoms. We're in trouble, man. Big time.
You know how unstable those belts are.
Rogue asteroids, meteor storms...
One direct hit on that plexi-glass view-screen,
and our innards will be turned inside out
quicker than a pair of Lister's old underpants.
We're out of options, man. We're going in.
Recommend the Cat pilots. With his superior reflexes and
nasal intuition, that will give us our best chance.
Oh, for pity's sake!
One breach in that hull and we're people pâté.
There's an old Cat proverb - it's better to live
one hour as a tiger than a whole lifetime as a worm.
There's an old human proverb -
whoever heard of a wormskin rug?
Yes, nice stickwork, man.
- Something's coming.
- Nothing on the navicomp.
I can smell it. Something big.
- I'm getting nothing, either.
- These nostrils never lie.
He's right. Co-ordinates 5341 by 6163.
Take a peek, gentlemen. There's a meteor bigger
than King Kong's first dump of the day...
and it's steaming straight towards us.
- (KRYTEN) Too vast to go around.
- Reverse thrust!
There's no time.
Face it, we're deader than corduroy.
- Kryten, you know what to do.
- I'm on my way, sir.
- Will you tell me what's he doing?
- He's customised the waste disposal unit,
filled the eject system with rocket fuel and turned it into a kind of high-impact garbage cannon.
You're going to try and shoot that out of the sky
with tin cans and banana peel?!
There's a surprise in the middle -
a thermos of nitroglycerine.
- Waste disposal unit armed and ready.
- Kryten, will this work?
Of course it'll work, sir. No worries.
Hook, line, sinker, rod
and copy of "Angling Times", sir.
- Here it comes!
- Ready, Kryten? Fire!
Relocating Red Dwarf's vapour trail.
At present speed and course,
estimated time to interception,
12 hours, 7 minutes.
Check out your screens! I'm getting
something new, and it does not smell good.
There. Got it. Looks like some kind of ship.
Hang on a minute, there's another one... and another!
- I'm getting them too. Ten... no, twelve.
- All derelicts.
It's like this is a giant
Does anyone else here get the feeling that we've
been led here like lambs to the kebab shop?
We're not moving another inch until we
found out what brought those ships down.
Recommend we stop engines and launch scouter.
Engines stopped. Scouter launched.
(KRYTEN) We're in.
- What's that?
- Human remains.
Wait. Angle up five degrees.
Across ten degrees.
There. Some kind of writing on the floor.
The poor devil must've scrawled it in his death throes,
using a combination of his own blood
and even his own intestines.
- Who would do that?
- Someone who badly needed a pen.
What I don't understand is why he went to the
trouble of using his kidney as a full stop?
I don't think he meant to do that.
It probably just plopped out.
Whoever he was, clearly he was desperate to warn
any other poor wretches who might wander into the same deadly trap...
Scouter's located the black box.
OK. Replay final entry.
They're closing in.
They're all over the ship.
I know I'm next.
It's just a matter of time before...
Oh, God! You're beautiful!
I can't resist you.
Have to be strong. I know what you want!
No... no you don't. You don't want to love me...
You want to suck out my brains with that
straw like you did the rest of them...
Get away from me!
Ah! What have you done, you evil harlot!
You've squeezed all the ketchup out of my burger!
Now what? No! Get that straw out of my ear!
(SQUELCHING AND GROANING)
OK. Scouters checked out black boxes
on three of the derelicts.
This entire belt is swarming with some kind
of genetically engineered life-form
who can alter your perception telepathically.
They're called Psirens,
like with Ulysses in that ancient Turkish legend.
- I believe the legend was Greek, sir.
Some country big on curly shoes and hoummos.
The point is, they use this power of illusion
to lure you onto the asteroids.
and they strip the ship of whatever they can use...
and then suck out your brains.
They shouldn't bother us, then
There's barely a snack on-board.
We can't turn back now, sir. We'll lose Red Dwarf.
Look, we'll be through the belt in three, maybe four hours.
We've just gotta stay on the case.
They'll try to tempt us, scare us, break our morale -
anything to force us down onto the rocks.
It's pretty weak.
Please help us.
Our settlement is almost extinct
- There are only women left.
- Barely 3000 of us.
If we are to survive, we need males
to spread their seed amongst our number.
- We beg you... make love to us.
- Make love to all of us.
You heard 'em, they want
seed-spreaders. I'm going to apply.
You guys deal with this Psiren thing.
I'll deal with this.
Call me paranoid, but you don't think
they were these Psiren dude things, do you?
Even the brunette?
If anyone wants me, I'll be taking
a cold shower in liquid oxygen.
Well, if that's the most sophisticated
enticement these Psirens can throw at us,
I hardly think we're exactly
in danger of being 'bewitched'.
If I may postulate, sir. That was merely the level
of sophistication required to lure the Cat, and it worked.
Had we not been here to stop him, he would now be on
one of those asteroids, crawling around without a brain,
trying to write "Oh, boy, was I suckered?"
with his own intestinal tract.
Incoming message. Here they go again.
This Captain Tau of the SCS Pioneer.
We're under attack.
Some form of scavengers... Psirens.
They lured us onto this god-forsaken
asteroid, killed most of the crew.
Is this genuine?
Don't try to help us.
We're finished. Save yourselves.
- Dave, is that you?
- I thought you were dead.
- No time to explain. We're overrun.
- Get out of the belt while you can!
- It's Kochanski.
We'll be OK. They'll never take us alive.
I'm keeping back three bullets,
for me, one each for the two kids.
- Your two sons, Dave.
How...? I-I don't understand.
When you went into stasis, I broke
into the sperm bank, back on Red Dwarf?
You're a father. Here they come!
Jim, Bexley, come to Mummy.
Wait, don't do anything, I'm coming in!
Kryten, bazookoids. Rimmer, plot a course!
Lister, tune into Sanity FM!
- You saying they were Psirens?
- Of course, it's as plain as a Bulgarian pin-up.
- More trouble, and it's heading straight for us.
- What is it?
Er, what do you call giant
meteorites that are all covered in flames?
- A giant flaming meteorite?
- That's it.
Should I load the garbage cannon, sir?
- It wouldn't make a dent.
- Plot course change.
- Engaging re-heat.
- Wait, there's nothing on the radar.
- I think it's another illusion.
- What, Psirens?
- Cat? Are you getting any scent from that meteorite?