by Ganymede & Titan

Series VII - Duct Soup - All scenes

92 degrees. God!

I want a drink
but I can't be bothered to get up.

I wanna go to the loo but I can't be bothered
to go down the corridor.

This is one of the universal dilemmas,

so much as confronted all men
since the beginning of time.

To pee or not to pee, that is the question.

No, I'll just lie here
really thirsty with a full bladder

and try and get to sleep.

Smeggin' hell!

One more time and you get this. Do you hear?

Don't think I don't mean it.
One more time. Just one more.


What did I tell you?
I told you! Didn't I tell you?

How many times have I told you?
Right. What was the last one?

"Nureek." So the next one will be a "rotut",

and the one after that will be a "hernunger".

Four seconds, three seconds, two seconds...


Now "hernunger".


No, that's wrong.
You've gone out of sequence.

"Nureek", "rotut", "hernunger".
What's wrong with you?

If you're gonna keep me up
all night, just do it right, OK?


Where does "squelookle" come from? He's new!


Oh, that's better.
Kill two birds with one shower.



Right, right.

I can't hear you.
You can do whatever you like.

I can't hear a damn thing.


Oh, my goodness. It's Princess Leia.

Mr Skywalker went that way, ma'am.

- What?
- It's nearly 1 a.m., ma'am. What are you doing up?

Looking for someone
to kill. Care to volunteer?

Oh, can't sleep?

Have you ever listened to
those clapped out old pipes?

Nureeking and rotuting and just when you
expect them to nureek again, they squelookle!

It's enough to make a
perfectly sane person crazy!

It's quite amazing the number of people those
pipes have driven to the very brink of psychosis.

Mr Lister spent the night in there once and he ended up
trying to suffocate himself to death with an onion sandwich.

Look at this. This is a boys' fridge.

Women would never have fridges like this.

Chilled trainers? It just wouldn't happen!

What would you say to a
glass of drinking chocolate?

I'd say, "Glass of drinking
chocolate, get me out of here!"

I can't live like this. I need a bath.

I hate showers, I've always hated showers. Ask anyone
who knows me what I hate and you know what they'd say?

- You hate showers?
- You see? Even you know and you hardly know me!

I need a bath. I need sleep. I need clothes.
I need cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in.

Well, the next Space Corps ship we come across,
ma'am, I'm sure we'll find some supplies

I mean, I knew when I joined the Corps
it would be tough in deep space.

I accepted shopping was unlikely.

But then I lost my crew, my ship

and I ended up here with a fridge
full of trainers, two sets of clothes

and pipes that squelookle
when they should nureek!

I mean, I've tried,
I really have tried to fit in!

I even tried learning what offside was.

- Oh...
- (SOBS)

Ma'am, please. I've never
had to comfort a crying woman before.

I'm not familiar with the technique.

Er, hang on. Just processing.


Oh, I see! Oh, well, don't worry, ma'am.
I know the drill now.

- Huh!
- What are you doing?! Get off me!

The Heimlich manoeuvre, ma'am.
It believe it helps women stop crying.

The Heimlich manoeuvre
stops people choking, you idiot!

No, I think you're wrong, ma'am. Huh!

Of course I'm not wrong, you've just got a
corrupted file in your database!

- Well then, why have you stopped crying?
- Well, because it's really hard to cry...

...when someone's
doing the Heimlich manoeuvre on you.

- It really puts you off.
- But you're not crying, though.

Well, no.

- So it worked.
- No! It didn't work! It just...

Oh, shut up! Shut up! Shut up!


Where did it all go wrong?

My life started off so promisingly.

Rich parents, good school,
pony named Trumper.

How did I end up like this?

On a ship where the fourth most popular pastime is going
down to laundry room and watching my knickers spin dry.

Oh, ma'am! That is not true!
No one has ever done that!

That's only because they
don't know when you wash them.

Couple of posters and a trailer before
"The World's Stupidest Stuntmen" video

and take it from me that laundry room will be packed!

I think you're doing Mr Lister and the Cat
a great disservice, ma'am. A great, great disservice

Wow! This is the best load yet.

Just for the record, I'd like to repeat
that I'm only here because I can't sleep.

- So I decided to do some of my laundry and help out Kryten.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm not here because I'm a sad and lonely person who's
entertained by women's underwear spin-drying.

- My God! A G-string!
- Where?

You missed it.

I swear! It was black
and really really small.

I'm too mature for this. I'm just
gonna sit here read my comic.

Oh buddy, this is a great show tonight.

I may even write a fan letter to
the washing machine company.

Sometimes I'm really ashamed to be with you.
You're completely out of order, d'you know that?

- Since when did you get so mature?
- Mature? I've been mature for ages, me.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

You're just pretending to be mature because that's
your plan to get Officer Bud-Babe to fall for you!

- Everybody knows that!
- Go and stick an egg up your nose.

- It's true.
- Isn't true.

- It is.
- It isn't.

- Is
- Isn't!

- Is
- Isn't

- Is!
- Isn't!

- Is, is, is, is! is--
- Isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't-

Sirs, Sirs, Sirs! What are you arguing about?

About me being really mature.

I've been looking all over for
you, sir. Why aren't you in bed?

The heating system's gone bonkers.
Why? What's up?

Oh, it appears life on board ship
is getting Miss Kochanski down, sir.

She's in the midships now, throwing knives into the wall and
shouting abuse at the fridge for not having any low-fat yoghurts.

- What's the problem?
- It's not helped by the fact that her sleeping quarters are next to the sewage processor

- You know how noisy those pipes are, sir.

We'll relag them first
thing in the morning.

It's not just she can't sleep, sir. It's everything.

Not being able to have a bath,
no cottage cheese, no cl...

The thermostat!

I swear I set the correct programme! Oh!

Who on earth is going to tell her?
I mean, who...?

- Hi.

How are you settling in?

Great. Having a ball.

- We'll get you some more clothes.
- Don't worry.

I can wander around in a sheet
for the next 50 years. I'll be fine.

- We'll fix those pipes.
- If you could just make them go "nureek" every time

without any "squelookles",
I'd be so grateful.

- We'll stop them completely.
- I'm not used to this, not having stuff.

When I was 15, my brother Moose used to
kidnap my lipstick and hold it to ransom.

He knew that if I didn't
look good I wouldn't go out.

If I don't look good, I don't feel good.

How do you feel now?

- Don't answer that.

I know I've been spoilt,

brought up in the trendiest part of Glasgow.

- Yeah, the Gorbals. You said.
- Eleven years in cyberschool,

perfect computer-generated setting,

with perfect CG teachers
and perfect CG friends.

Now I can't even have a bath.

Come on. Come with me.
I've got something to show you.

You take my quarters tonight,
and I'll have yours.

I've cleaned out an old retro
housing and filled it with water.

- I don't know what to say...
- And I, um... found this on that derelict.

I was saving it for your birthday.

There's some make-up in there, too.

I can't find her anywhere, sir.
I've been searching high and low.

Oh! Ma'am. I didn't spot you there.

- Kris is sleeping in my quarters tonight, Kryten.
- In your quarters, sir?

- Yeah, she's gonna have a nice hot bath.
- In here? Without clothes on?

Well, convention dictates probably, yeah.

Kryten, me and Kris have been having a talk,
and we think it'd be better all round if you leave.

- Uh, Sir?
- Well, as you probably know, we're planning on settling down together.

It started that night she had a bath
in my quarters, remember?

We got you this leaving present.

- A keyring.
- With a "C" on it.

- For Kryten.
- But you spell Kryten with a "K".

Oh, don't make a fuss. Now, I've packed
all your heads. They're in the bag.

You know what it's like, man. It's the fourth law
of the universe. You settle down with a woman,

and the first thing they do is systematically
set about getting rid of all your mates.

- The Cat's next.
- I've been packing his bag for over three weeks.

We want to be a proper couple
and have dinner parties,

and I think I've reached the age now
where I really should be wearing clogs.

We're all a bit embarrassed of you because you have a funny-shaped head.

- You're not human, are you. You're a robot.
- Yeah!

- Oh, hi! You're early. Come in!
- Great to see you!

Mwah! Mwah!

I've just seen the future!
I'm afraid, Mr Lister shrunk your uniform, ma'am.

- You only have one left now.
- Did he? Never mind.

- Aren't you mad?
- I'm too tired to be mad.

I just want to have my bath and get some sleep.

Right. I'll be going, then. Going.
After all these years, I'll be going.

- Are you all right, Kryts?
- Oh, never been better, thank you sir.

A keyring with a "C" on it! Unbelievable!
Thank you with a capital "R"!

- What's eating him?
- I dunno. I'll find out later.

Thanks for this. I really appreciate it.

- Hey, no bother.
- See you in the morning.


- Well, I'll be going, then...
- Yeah. Night.

Right, I'll.. I'll go.

- Yeah.
- See you tomorrow.

Tomorrow, right. If you need anyone to scrub your back
or anything, don't hesitate to call, I can be here in twenty seconds.

- I won't.
- Night, then.

- Night.
- Night. Night-night.


What was that?

Hang on a minute. I've got a torch, somewhere.

- What the hell's happening?
- The generator's down, sir.

I was just adjusting the thermo-settings
and it overloaded.

Give it a few seconds and the
emergency back-up will kick in.

- Ah, thank goodness.

I'll look into it immediately, sir!


There goes the back-up!
Now everything's dead.

- How come the doors closed?
- When the back-up goes down, the doors always lock.

Prevent fire, reinforce hull integrity.

So what's steering this crate?
Is autopilot down too?

Everything's down.
Oh, I wish I'd been more careful!

You mean this ship's carooming out of control through
space with absolutely zero expertise at the helm?

No change there, then.

We've got to refire the back-up generator.

The only way to get to the
backup is through the service ducts.

The what?

Two miles of ventways that wind
their through the ship like intestines.

There should be a
hatchway in your shower, sir.

- How long's that gonna take?
- Six hours, maybe more.

- Six hours?!
- Are you OK, sir?

Fine, yeah! Ahem... Yeah. Yeah. Yep...

The reading said last night that there was going
to be a meteor storm coming in directly ahead,

but it won't hit us
for at least 12 hours.

We should gather up some supplies, a little food, as much water as we can carry,

and maybe even that magnetic fishing game.

OK, let's go.

It's so damn hot, I can barely breath. It's like
being stuck in a sauna with a fat man on your face.

I don't feel so good.
The walls are closing in!

- Are you OK, sir?
- I need to take a break, I need air!

He's claustrophobic. Didn't you guys know?

I'm all right when I know I can get out,
but now we're out in the middle, somewhere...

- I can't breathe!
- Have a drink, sir.

OK, take a look around. See if we can unscrew one of the
ceiling hatches, drop back down into the ship somewhere.

- Let's go.
- My throat's closing.

- I'm choking.
- Here, drink some of this.

You just need something to take your mind off it.

I wonder why Dave -
my Dave - wasn't claustrophobic.

Oh, thanks, Kris. That's really helping.

Now is not a good time to tell
me how great your boyfriend is, ok?

He wasn't my boyfriend. Not really.

- What?
- No, we were just good friends.

- No, but you said...
- I just didn't want to look like some sad loser when we first met,

so I asked him to play along.

- You weren't going out with him?
- He wasn't my type.

But he was well-dressed,
neat, sophisticated, sensitive...

You're so damn picky!
Why wasn't he your type?

- He was gay.
- You see? Picky.

Everyone has to be absolutely perfect
before you're int...

- What did you say?!
- He was gay.

- Gay?
- Yes.

Are you saying I'm gay in
an alternative dimension?

- Yes.
- Me?

That's why we only dated for a couple of weeks. It was
sort of his final attempt at trying to work things out.

Wait a minute. You don't think...

Now, hang on. I'm completely straight, OK?

I couldn't possibly be gay.
I can't grow a big moustache for starters.

- Ask anyone, it just grows in little clumps.
- Dave, shut up.

- I'm just saying.
- I really miss him. He was great.


Sometimes we used to go to bed together,
and he'd just hold me.

- Made me feel everything was OK.
- Really?

Well, actually...

No, what am I thinking of? I am not gay!

- No need to make such a big deal about it!
- But I am not!

Back on Red Dwarf before the
accident, I had loads of gay friends.

- Y-yeah, so did I.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Real friends that you were really close to?

- Yeah!
- Name one.

OK, what about... Bent Bob?

Bent Bob?!