Smega-Drive
by Ganymede & Titan
Series VII - Beyond a Joke - All scenes
("RED DWARF" THEME)
Mmm! Smells good, Kryten. What is it?
Something I caught
scuttling around the cargo bay, sir.
Managed to land a monkey
wrench on it and the rest is history!
Scuttling thing a la monkey wrench?
Kryten, nothing I'm prepared
to eat has ever scuttled.
This mouth is a scuttle-free zone.
- It does smell good, though, what is it?
- Ah, the only clue I'm prepared to give, sir
is we're having it with green wine.
- It's space weevil, isn't it?
- It is not, no, sir.
Look, the rule is simple. I will not eat
any animal that's ever been a cartoon.
Weevils, rabbits,
dogs, cats, mice, roadrunners...
All out. I'm not a cartoonivore!
- Ta-da!
- Lobster?!
Poached in a delicate cream sauce, sir.
Little so-and-so escaped in the hold.
- Where did you get a live lobster?
- The SS Centauri. They had four in their stasis block.
You've really gone to a lot of
trouble over this, haven't ya?
You don't know what
day it is, do you, sir?
- Day? Someone's birthday?
- No.
- Christmas? Easter?
- No...
- National Have Something That Scuttles For Dinner Day?
- No.
- Well what, then?
- Today's the day that you rescued me from the Nova 5.
I thought we should have a surprise celebration!
I had no idea, why
didn't you say?...
Ah, if you'd said it wouldn't have
been much of a surprise, right?
Precisely, sir. It would have been about as unsurprising
as an episode of "Tales of the Unexpected".
- Eh?
- The old Channel 72 show. It was...
Everyone...
- Never mind.
- OK, everybody? Ready? Let's go!
- Go?
- We're going to the Artificial Reality suite!
We just loaded in that new software
we picked up from the SS Centauri.
Can you believe the luck? Finding a
working copy of "Jane Austen World"?
It's the luckiest find I've made since I discovered
that tube of leg wax under the medi-scanner
You found my leg wax?
We're going to visit "Pride and Prejudice Land".
This is gonna be so great!
It's Chick City, bud! Five sisters, and
they're all hotter than a Mustang's exhaust!
- But what about the supper?
- The thing is, we didn't know.
- Put it in the oven, we'll have it in a couple of hours.
- But I mean... It's just...
Look, I'm just trying to get the Bozo Brothers here
interested in something slightly more culturally sophisticated
than "Name That Smell" or the even more popular
"How Many Marbles Can You Fit Up Your Nostril?" game
- We'll have it when we get back.
- And you're going to go with them, sir?
- This is... It's unbelievable!
- I know!
Dave and Jane Austen are not
an obvious pairing, but think about it -
she's closely identified with Bath in the 19th century,
and that was the last time Dave had one!
Come on!
I just thought I'd check it out. You know, I never had much of
an education what with being an orphan and going to art college.
- Thought I might learn something.
- Of course. Silly of me.
After all, you've always been a big fan of penetrating
19th-century observations of middle-class manners.
I mean, just because you own a T-shirt
advertising the rock band 'Colostomy Explosion'
doesn't mean you're
not a master of erudition!
Ah look, just stick it in the oven, come and
join us, and we'll have it when we get back.
- Two days I've spent preparing this!
- Kryten, I've gotta go, man.
They're waiting for me. Sorry.
I don't know why I bother.
Gallivanting off like that!
And on our anniversary too!
Pride and Prejudice World! When I was 14 in
cyberschool, I used to spend all my time here.
These strides are too tackle-tight,
Officer BB. I can barely cruise!
Just try and appreciate the nuance and culture.
I'm trying, but it's real hard when there's
a seam splicing your nadgers in two!
- You're gonna spoil this, aren't you?
- No, he won't, he'll be fine.
Look man, all clothes were a bit nadger-restricting back
in them days. That's why there were so many wars.
OK? Let's interact with the characters,
then perhaps you can begin to understand
why the book is such a masterpiece.
Ah! Good morning, Mrs Bennet.
Is it not a most fine day?
Tis an utter delight and no mistake.
Ooh! I don't believe we've had the pleasure
of meeting your handsome young friends.
(GIGGLING)
This is Mr Lister and his friend Mr Cat.
(ALL GIGGLE)
Perhaps you would you like to
join us on a turn round the forest
and later have tea in Mr Bingley's gazebo?
- Oh, please, Mama, can they come?
- May they? Oh, that would be so delightful!
Oh, yes! Oh, please! Do! Do come to tea!
Oh, please, please!
They're so hot they're steaming!
Cook it, don't cook it, do this, do that...
well, I'm sorry, I'm gonna make you eat
this damn supper if it's the last thing I do!
(GIGGLING AND CHATTER)
Aaah!
(GAGS)
(THUD)
(METALLIC CRASH)
I'll just borrow the T-72 from the WW2 game,
and then I think
we'll have everyone's attention.
Where on Earth have Lizzie and Jane disappeared to?
Such rudeness. I'm most vexed!
(GIGGLING)
Never mind, Mrs Bennet.
I'm sure they'll be...
Perhaps I didn't make myself clear?
I said supper is ready!
Is anyone still unclear
as to the supper situation? No? Excellent.
I didn't know robots got PMT.
- It's nice, Kryts. Really nice.
- (KOCHANSKI) It's really great.
- In fact, it's better than nice, it's fantastic.
- Isn't it great?
- It's really great.
- Really really great.
Are we eating the same stuff?
I don't know why I make the effort. No one
appreciates the hours I put into food prep.
My fingers are practically worn down to the endoskeleton.
- Is there any ketchup?
- Any what?
Ketchup. I just thought it could do
with a bit of ketchup. Just a dollop?
- Ketchup?
- Oh, my God.
- You want ketchup?
- Um... brown!
Not tomato! Brown! It's not like I've got no class.
With lobster? You want brown ketchup?
It's really nice, Kryts, but you know me!
I just thought it could do with a bit of a pep up.
I can't believe it. I simply cannot b...
Well done, bud! Now we'll
have to do the washing up.
He's literally blown his top!
Cat, can you go and get a spare head?
How come I have to do everything around here?
I never get a second to myself! "Cat
do this, Cat do that." What am I? A dog?
There. I think that's it. Boot him up.
- You're sure you know what you're doing?
- Hey.
Ketchup? With lobster?! You want...
I thought you said you
knew what you were doing!
No, I just said "Hey".
If you'd let me finish the whole sentence,
it would've been "Hey! No, I don't."
- Any luck?
- We've been back and forth through his core program
and as far as we can tell nothing's wrong.
- Maybe worth testing it with one of his spare heads?
- What spare heads?
We've blown them all out.
Look at it. Have you ever seen so many blackheads
outside the staffroom of a fried chicken franchise?
We managed to save his RAM chips, so at least we've
got his personality on disk, but that's about it.
Life without a head.
That's gonna put a real crimp on his lifestyle.
- I mean, what can you do without a head?
- Apart from being you? Hardly anything.
We're gonna have to get
him another one somehow.
I should've been looking out for
him. How could I let this happen?
When was the Centauri built?
Maybe they had a mechanoid service unit?
- Think. Any clues when it was built?
- Which century?
It had those big crystalline turbine drives.
I'd say 21st or 22nd century...
maybe even 23rd or 24th.
At the outside, 25th, 26th or 27th.
But don't hold me to it.
Why are you asking his advice?
Let's at least ask someone who's going to
give us a slightly more intelligent opinion...
Hello, wall! What do you think?
Hang on. Hang on.
- What are you doing?
- Logging onto their mainframe.
If there's a Divadroid signature
on their supplies inventory,
then it's possible there's some mech-heads
around there somewhere.
Maybe 29th.
Look!
Hey... Simulant, probably rogue.
Let's get the smeg outta here!
Wait!
(LISTER) Hmm, you smell good.
(CAT) Thanks!
- They're all missing their primers.
- Well, this Johnny won't help us.
Simulants hate everything human or humanoid.
In fact, anything beginning with "hu".
Probably hate the third largest city
in Vietnam, then!
- Why's that?
- Because it's called Hue, dummy.
Actually, it's pronounced "hwah" but if I'd
said "hwah" it wouldn't have been as funny.
Any navigation conference, anywhere, they
would be in the aisles with a quip like that.
Probably trying to get out the building
before you quipped again.
Well, the point I was trying to make was that
Sims hate humans but they don't hate Gelfs.
- But we're not Gelfs.
- We could be.
- This is nuts!
- We look great! What are you talking about?
- This is never gonna work.
- Achachachachach ach-ach?
Hachachachach! Achachach!
- You can't speak Gelf.
- Neither can the Sim!
We'll just do an impression of you first thing
in the morning and we'll be fine. Come on, boy.
(LISTER) This is so demeaning.
I feel like a piece of meat!
There's someone up there!
Hachachachach! Achachach!
Achachachachach ach-ach-ach?
It's worse than
the Chronic Catarrh Sufferers' annual outing!
- Achachachachach?
- After spare mech-heads, eh?
Human! Lovely with a bit of mint sauce!
How about a trade?
We ain't selling, OK?
Fuel, supplies, anything, but not the human.
- Achachachachach!
- I was just telling him. No deal.
- Achachachachach!
- Like she says, no deal.
- Achachachach!
- You tell him, bud-babe!
No deal! You got that?
So... you speak Earth, eh?
Ach.
Now... Tails, you can have
the mech-heads for free.
- Heads, I take the human.
- Hey, wait a minute!
It's tails. The heads are yours.
And here are the primers.
Now, how about a toast, eh?
To Simulants, the greatest
droids in the universe!
But never trust 'em, eh? Cheers!
Ah! (LAUGHS)
- Oh, we've been set up!
- But how?
He must have had a sidekick. He kept us
talking while his mate ransacked the ship!
Kryten!
They've taken his RAM chip too.
Little job for you, Able.
Looks like a negadrive blowback.
- Oh, wow! Another mech.
- Yeah, fix him ready for market
or I'll apply the electro-leads
to your nipple nuts.
Fix him or get fried nipple nuts?
Erm... Er... I think I'm gonna choose
the fix him option! Deal!
And hurry it up, you stupid zoney!
Is now a good time to
ask about a pay rise?
I'm almost out of otrazone.
I need some more.
Fix the mech first. Here's his RAM chip.
(GRUNTS)
Totally tubular!
(BLEEPS)
Goodness me! What a peculiar experience.
Thank you, Mr, er, Mr,
er... What is your name?
Er, just give me a second, OK? Hmph.
I've just sent that query down to long-term
memory retrieval. It'll be back in no time. Hmph.
Hang on. Here it comes. Hmmph.
Told you it would be quick. Hmmmmph.
Able. My name's Able. A-B-L-E, Able.
My name is Kryten. You're a
4000 series, too, aren't you?
Er, hang on. Won't take a tick. Hmmph!
Please, don't bother.
Believe me, you are a 4000.
Well, I could check.
It'd only take about 20 seconds. Hmmph.
Your serial number's 2X4C. I'm a 2X4C too!
We must have the same motherboard.
Oh, then you're my bro!
Hey, wow, you wanna try some otrazone?
Otrazone's dangerous and highly addictive!
I just use it every now and then, you know.
It helps me get through the day.
- Well, how come you ended up here?
- Er, hang on.
- Hmmmmmph!
- What an irritating characteristic.
Uh! OK. The ship I was on,
well, er- kind of crashed a bit.
- "Crashed a bit"?
- All the crew just lay there
and they didn't talk to me any more.
After a couple of years,
I figured out they must be dead.
A long time later, the Simulant
guy came and picked me up.
He's a bit of a psychopathic killing
machine, but he has his good side.