by Ganymede & Titan

Series VIII - Back in the Red: Part I - All scenes


Remember Argyle Somerfield,
the old movie star?

83, according to this. He's
just had a baby with his nurse.

"It was love at first sight," she cooed.
"I've always liked older men.”

God, if she ever met Tutankhamen,
he wouldn't stand a chance.

She'd have his bandages off
before he could say "Silicone implants"!

There's a picture of them
here with their newborn.

There's Argyle, and there's the baby.

No, no no no... THERE'S Argyle and THERE'S the baby.

I was thrown for a minute by the bib and the bonnet.

I thought it was the baby at first.

An 85-year-old dad?!

How's that gonna work?

I bet he's gonna get up in the middle of the night
to help give the baby its feed.

He'll probably pretend to be dead.

"Darling, can you feed the baby his bottle tonight?"

It's not gonna work, is it?

The only advantage, as far as I can see,

is the wife can change both their nappies
at the same time!

Are you still not talking to me?
It's unbelievably childish, you know.

I've a good mind to fill your shoes
with runny porridge again.

That'd teach you a lesson about maturity.

All right, I tell you what. I bet I can
make you say something in the next minute.

20 big ones.

Shake on it.

All right. If I'm on, say nothing.

I'm on!


I'm going to say something , alright? And you're going
to totally lose it. Are you ready? Ready?

All right. Several years ago, when money was not
abundant, and I needed, I mean, medically needed a pint...

I took some money from your purse.



Oh God, it was horrible going in there.

The wallet that time forgot!

Not that there was any point.
The barman on B Deck wouldn't serve me.

Said doubloons weren't legal tender any more.

He said you should have handed
them in after the Spanish Armada!

I thought I'd get you going.
You hate digs about your stinginess.

It usually makes you so agitated that you've gotta go
and make a cup of tea with a brand-new tea bag!

Well, still... Plenty of time to go.


Remember Yvonne McGruder?

You really liked her, didn't you?

I used to go out with her, y'know? - before you did.
You didn't know that, did you?

Broke up in the end. Really hurt me.
Still got the scars today.

They never heal, carpet burns, do they?

Both cheeks, man!

She nearly wore them down to the bone!


Will you shut up?!

What did I tell ya?

20 big ones.

I've listened to you wittling on now
for what seems like two ice ages.

My mind is so numb and braindead

I feel like I've attended a three-day
seminar entitled 'The Future of Plumbing'.

Have you any idea how
irritating you've just been?

You're a master. There are things
you could teach to tropical skin diseases.

- Well, talk to me, then.
- No!

Look, I'm sorry, OK. How many times
do you want me to say it?

- I am sorry!
- No, you're not.

- It was an accident.
- An accident? You poured a whole tube of it over me,

you disgusting, rotting, fetid
piece of congealed monkey vomit!

Oh, at last you're talking to me.
I knew we'd make it up.


(CAT) It seems even bigger than I remember.

Er... guys, we got a problem!

Hey guys, look at me body.

There's an invitation that
will not cause a stampede!

- No, it's back to normal.
- No time for that now ,sir.

We're flying down a corridor on Red Dwarf,
and Starbug appears to be expanding!

It's not Starbug that's expanding.
It's Red Dwarf that's shrinking!

It must be something to do with the nanobot's
molecular process, just like my body.

We're being sucked into a vent. I can't fight it.

- (KRIS) Air-vent walls closing in.
- We must action, be bold, positive, decisive.

- Suggest we move from blue alert to red alert, sir.
- Forget red.

Let's go all the way up to brown alert!

There's no such thing as brown alert.

You won't be saying that in a minute!

And don't say I didn't alert you.

All right, dudes. Anyone fancy
a game of charades using just your nose,

- or is this a bad time?
- Holly, we're about to get crushed to death!

So that's a no, then is it?

Once the nanos rebuilt the ship,

I thought things were
going to get back to normal.

We don't know where we are, what to
do, and haven't a clue what's happening.

Things ARE back to normal.

You don't even fancy a bit of a quick one?

Science-fiction film,
name of the ship, one word.


The Nostrilomo!

Spent a week thinking that one up.

Good, innit?

Computing time to impact. Calculations
coming through. Here they come.

How long have we got?

About the time it takes
to read a stop sign, sir.

That's OK then. I don't always
get through those in one sitting.

What are our chances
of getting out of here?

About the same odds as discovering Mr Lister
saddle-stitching the hem of a pair of lemon maternity slacks.

I must admit, it's been a while since I did that.
Can't you get this crate to go faster?

It's gonna be like getting crushed
to death by a gigantic trouser press!

Freshly laundered
and wrinkle-free.

- I always prayed I'd go out like that.
- There may be a way through this if we take a detour.

Go past Epsilon 14 and take a right at the
hydro unit, we'll save about two minutes.

What do you say, sir? I don't understand a woman who's
hurtling towards 30 and still has a teddy called Boo-Boo.

- But when it comes to navigation, there's none finer!
- What's your view, Hol?

Straight up your nose
when you lean in like that.

Epsilon 14.

There's some kind of heartbeat up ahead.

- And it's beating at an incredible rate.
- You mean there's a heart out there with no body?

No wonder it's beating so fast!


Hope we don't get stopped by the cops.

They don't like it when you're rat-arsed.

According to the desk we've lost all engines.

Hey, didn't I read somewhere
that can seriously affect your ability to fly?

Now we've lost the midsection and the kitchen.

I'm sorry, everyone, but we may have
to have sandwiches for lunch.

(ALL) Oh...


- Dave?
- Selby...

Chen... Is it really you?

Is it really us? Hang on. I'll check.

- Think it's us.
- Guys, this is brilliant.

- I can't believe it!
- You know these people, sir?

Know them? When they've been drunk
and unconscious,

I've taken their clothes off and painted
parts of them green. Of course I know them!

This is the Red Dwarf crew, Krytie!

- How?
- The nanos must've resurrected them along with the ship.

This is Chen. He works in the
kitchen and he's always drunk.

And this is Selby, and he's always drunk, too.
Where's Petersen?

He couldn't make it.

He's drunk!

The crew are all alive. Great news.
wonderful, marvellous, incredible news.

All that extra ironing - bliss!

Mr Thornton, read them their rights.

David Lister, you are formally charged
with stealing and crashing a Starbug,

You are also charged with
having no pilot's licence,

and smuggling two stowaways onboard along
with Navigation Officer Kristine Kochanski.

Anything you say now or do not say now may be
used by the board of inquiry against you.

Do you require any form of aid?

Yeah, lemonade and a really large Scotch.

Left, right, left, right...

- Relax. You're gonna burst a blood vessel.
- Shut up you maggot Do you understand?!

- Do you understand?!
- Yes.

Yes, what?

- Yes, Mr Shouty.
- Yes, sir! Left, right, left, right...

... left, right. Halt!

Left arm.

At ease.

(HOLLY) All right, dude?

They don't know about you yet, Hol. It might be
an idea to keep it that way. I need some info.

If the board of enquiry finds us guilty tomorrow, what happens then?

Well, they'll probably have a pot of tea,
a bit of a chat and go home, I suppose.

What happens to us, you divvy, not them!

Well, if you lose, you'll probably get a couple of years in the brig.

- What brig?
- The brig on floor 13,

- There isn't a floor 13.
- Yeah, there is. It was classified,

A need-to-know-only basis.

- So who knew?
- Well all the officers,

and anyone who's ever seen
"The Twilight Zone".

So what's it like, this brig?

If I was an estate agent, I'd probably describe it
as an old-style penal establishment,

abundant wildlife, 200 bedrooms

all with en suite buckets.

Smegging "ell!

They call it the Tank.

There was an inmate population of 400
all being transported to Adelphi 12

- Presumably they've all been resurrected, too.
- What are they like? No, don't tell me I already know.

They're all deranged, hairy no-lobers, breath
like old nappies, arms like toilet walls,

they're all like that aren't they?

Well, the nice ones are, yeah.

Hang on. I've got one of them on file
somewhere. Here we go.

I'm Nigel.

I'm nice.

See what I mean? They're not all headbangers.

Nige is lovely.
Though he does tend to get a bit narky

if you go too close to him with a magnet.

Thanks, very much Hol.
You're really cheering me up (!)

The brig!

Two years!

Two years without curry and lager!

Two years without sex!

You hope.

- Rimmer!
- Words out, they're gonna throw the book at you, Listy,

followed by the bookcase and then the library, brick by brick.

God, it's you like you used to be.


What got into you? You can't fly a Starbug, miladdo.
You're a technician. A zero. A nobody.

Look, this is gonna sound nuts, but
the whole crew died, including you,

and you've all been resurrected
by these microscopic little robots.

- I died?
- Yeah.

- All the crew died?

And you're gonna spend
the next two years in the brig

with a load of Neanderthals
with badly spelt tattoos?

So where are we? Is this my heaven?

Look, a radiation leak wiped everybody out.
I survived ‘cause I was in stasis.

Then these nanos arrived, rebuilt the ship
and resurrected the crew.

So where are they?
- Dunno. Gone. Scarpered. Maybe I should take the Fifth.

The Fifth? If I were you, I'd take
the Sixth, Seventh and Eighth, too.

I've gotta track down these nanos to corroborate our
story, otherwise who will believe our defence?

Only meths drinkers and the Corn Circle Society.
I need your help, man.

- Me?
- Who else is gonna help me? I'm confined to quarters.

The minute I walk through that door, I get enough
wattage up me jacksy to light up the whole of Bootle.

Well, considering what the future
has in store for your jacksy,

a couple of zillion volts is gonna be easy street.

Why have the nanobots done this? Put us in this situation?

In the past, they've only
ever done things which have

ultimately benefited us. We
should take comfort in that.

- Like what?
- Like when they first stole Red Dwarf.

And took on a merry goose
chase halfway around the galaxy.

They led us to Legion,
where Mr Rimmer acquired a hard-light body.


And then they took us back to
Red Dwarf and rebooted Holly.

Benefit. And after that, they led you
to the temporal rip where you met me.



What's this rumour that we're three million light years into
deep space, and Red Dwarf's changed shape?

That is classified information, Karen!
Who the hell told you that?

The coffee machine on G Deck.

Damn coffee machine! I'm gonna bust
his ass down to tampon dispenser.

Is it true?

Until we get Holly back up, we can't verify it.

Starbug took out one of his CPU banks in the
crash and we're having trouble rebooting.