Smega-Drive
by Ganymede & Titan
Series VIII - Back in the Red: Part II - All scenes
("RED DWARF" THEME)
This is the daily report of Captain F. Hollister of the mining ship Red Dwarf.
Several of my crew and presently being tried
for crimes against the Space Corps.
This is gonna sound nuts,
but the whole crew died, including you, and you've
were resurrected by these microscopic little robots.
I've got to track down these nanos to corroborate our
story, otherwise who will believe our defence?
Only meths drinkers and the Corn Circle Society.
I need your help, man.
I've seen the crew's files, medical records,
sessions with the therapist - the works.
I can make you look like a genius.
You can get promoted in the field, man. You won't have
to take exams. Just help me escape.
I have my principles, Lister. You think you can buy me
with promises of power and glory? You really think...
OK, I'll do it.
- You'll have to prove it to me first.
- You're on.
- Get me promoted.
- The confidential files are in Starbug's cockpit.
There's a senile version of Holly
loaded into this watch. He'll lead you to it.
(TAPPING KEYS)
Yes!
My captain, sir.
Rimmer, is this salute ever gonna end?
Do I have time to go for a cup of coffee,
maybe go on vacation?
Nearly finished, sir.
It's my very special extra-long salute
I reserve for the especially important, sir.
You wanted to see me?
I'm concerned over some of the
safety procedures on board, sir.
There's a potentially lethal scenario
concerning drive plates, sir.
Obviously, anyone who misrepaired one of these plates would
have to have a brain the size of a leprechaun's testicle,
nevertheless, sir, like German
tourists, the stupid are everywhere.
I propose the following new safety procedures, sir.
Did you really think of this?
Permission to look smug, sir.
Permission granted.
Good work, Rimmer. Great work.
Oh, before I go, sir,
Happy wedding anniversary, sir.
I'm sure you must be missing her terribly.
A blueberry muffin...
..like Martha used to make.
Well, thanks, Rimmer. Dismissed.
Sir, just one more thing.
I know the medical guys think
we've run out of this stuff,
but I found some unopened medi crates in storage, sir.
If this is useful to you in any way,
it's yours, no questions asked.
"Anus Soothe Pile Cream.”
"The easy-to-apply cream
that comes with its own special glove."
One size fits all.
I could tell from your walk.
Rimmer...
Could you post this for me?
Why, certainly, sir.
Oh, it's addressed to me, sir.
I'm giving a supper for some of the
guys that I've marked out for greater things.
And you want me
to be the wine waiter, sir?
This report is first rate.
I want you to come to supper.
See you on Friday. Incidentally, it's black tie.
Thai, Chinese - I'll eat anything, sir.
Though I would prefer it if it wasn't black.
Any chance of having
mine medium rare, sir?
Just go. Wear what the hell you want.
Get undressed.
Fill this up behind the screen.
(PHRRT!)
(WHIRRING DRILL)
Kryten, hi.
What are you doing here?
What's wrong?
I've been classified as a woman.
A woman? Why?
Well, because I haven't got a... penis.
It's a Space Corps directive
to prevent gender ambiguity in jail.
What's the saying? "If you've got nothing
to swing, you can't be with Bing!"
Well, what happened, did you lose it?
I was never issued with one, ma'am.
Why would I need one unless somehow
I lost both arms and there was an emergency
situation to write my name in the snow?
So you mean, you've never had a steak pie,
peas and chips, then?
I think the phrase is meat and two veg, ma'am.
The only mechanoids that were ever issued with genitals
were the ones created to work on Italian starships.
It was felt they could acclimatise themselves better
if they could mimic their Italian crewmates
and stand around cupping themselves all day.
Hey! Now you're a woman, it's gonna mean
some big changes in the way you behave.
I'm not going to be a woman
for long, ma'am. Just overnight.
They want my permission to repair my corrupted
files. Tomorrow afternoon - restore my factory settings!
But your corrupted files are what make you you.
I've been diagnosed as being quirky and unstable.
Spin my nipple nuts and send me to Alaska!
Quirky?! How could they reach a verdict
like that? As for unstable, it makes me so...
- Darn it, I still haven't got the hang of that emotion have I?
- What was it supposed to be?
Ambivalence. Didn't come out right though, did it?
I looked like Mr Lister when he's forced to eat fruit.
Look, what are you going to do?
Well I have to go along with them, ma'am.
I can't say no. They are my superiors.
You've got to say no.
- I can't.
They're better than me,
I'm not strong enough.
Right, here's a tip. If you get scared tomorrow,
just imagine what they look like on the loo.
- Can you see ‘em?
- No, I...
Ooh!
- Yes, I can.
- Do they still seem better than you?
- No ma'am.
- Do they still seem superior?
No, ma'am!
Well, that's what you've got to do tomorrow, just recreate that picture.
(LAUGHS)
- It works for everyone.
- Yes! Who are you looking at now?
You, ma'am!
Be upstanding.
Just relax. Rimmer's
gonna help us escape.
This inquiry's a piece of cake.
We're just going through the motions.
Let's get this inquiry underway.
You have refused defence assistance.
Is that right?
OK, this is what we do. I've watched a lot of
TV shows, and we all huddle together like this
and whisper for a while before we answer
and it looks like we know what we're doing.
We intend to defend ourselves.
You see how good that looked?
- Are you familiar with the mind scan?
- We are familiar with the mind scan, sir.
You are aware that it pictorially
enhances the cognitive process,
making your innermost thoughts available for
recording and viewing to a Board of Inquiry?
- Yes, sir.
- You understand that it will involve the administration
of psychotropic drugs, that is, drugs which affect
your mental state, making this process possible.
- If you accept, say "Aye".
- (ALL) Aye.
Please sign the consent forms and
seal them into the envelopes provided.
We reconvene at 10 a.m. tomorrow.
The plan's working, Listy.
Operation Get Rimmer Officerhood, Power
and Eminence - or GROPE for short -
is bang on course.
So that information I gave them on the drive plates worked, then? Yes!
The captain's face! He couldn't have been happier if I'd
given him two girls wrestling in a giant vat of baked beans,
then removed the girls and handed him a spoon.
He's never been so pleased. And get this, he's invited me
to supper with the movers and the shakers.
The movers and the shakers?
You're going to supper with some removal men and a
group of people suffering from Parkinson's Disease?
At last I'll be able to exorcise
my father's disapproval.
Those terrible sneery looks he gave me
as he stood on the touchline
watching me captain the school skipping team.
He was never proud of me.
What other father would claim to have an alibi
for his sperm on the night of conception?
Who cares now? Not me, Listy.
I'm on my way up the ziggurat lickety-split.
Don't forget your part of the deal -
the override code for this so I can leg it.
- It's too soon. I'm not an officer yet.
- The trial begins tomorrow, man. Without the nanobots,
our defence has more holes than my socks.
But once you've legged it, where does that leave me? I'm not helping
you escape then losing my insider knowledge.
- I'm not an officer yet.
- Whoa! We shook hands on a deal.
Yeah, but Lister, you know me.
My handshake's less reliable
than a plumber's estimate.
No escapo, no more info.
Listy, that's not gonna help you.
I've got the confidential files.
Plus I went through Starbug's salvage,
and I found these.
- The luck virus. Sexual magnetism.
- Positive viruses. Holly told me everything.
Take some of this, it gives you luck and this gives
you sexual magnetism. I've already tried some.
Right now, Yvonne McGruder is sleeping off
the first 23 pages of the "Kama Sutra".
So, you're reneging on the deal, then,
breaking your promise?
Being a total scum-sucking,
two-faced weaselly weasel.
Ah! My entry in "Who's Who?"
You left some of your luck behind, man.
I touched the tube.
Sheer Luck!
Yes!
You may, if you prefer, stand with the others
tomorrow and the face charges against you.
However, I advise that you have
your corrupted files repaired,
after which you may go free.
What is your decision?
NNN...
NNN... Oh, it's no good.
OK, let's all stay calm.
No need to be alarmed.
After all, Kryten is merely holding us
hostage, which is lovely, isn't it, everyone?
We don't want any trouble.
we'll just do what you say.
Come on, then. Come with me.
(KRYTEN) Go on... Inside, inside. That's it. Go on.
All of you. Quick, quick, quick, quick. Here we go.
That's it. Now, I want you to take
down your pants and sit on a toilet.
- Oh, my God. He's mad.
- Then what are you going to do to us?
I'm going to look at you.
He's totally mad.
Just do what he says.
Lovely!
(LAUGHS)
(HOOTS WITH LAUGHTER)
Now I want you to ask me the question again.
- What question?
- Do I want to have my corrupted files repaired?
Do you want your corrupted files repaired?
NNN...
NNNNo.
I did it! No. Nnnno, I don't.
The answer to the question is no.
No doubt about it. I do not want
my corrupted files repaired. The answer is Nnnnno!
And you just put in any old code you felt like, and the
luck virus made you pick the right one? That's brilliant!
- Yeah, I just rubbed me finger over the top of the tube.
- That's brilliant, that's just brilliant!
Oh, it's a pity you didn't do the same
with the sexual magnetism.
(SHE MOANS)
Is that a new shirt?
No. I've had it a while.
- It's really nice.
- Thanks.
- It's really, really nice. Really suits you.
- Thanks.
It brings out the brownness in your eyes.
Oh, God, Dave, I'm so sorry!
I don't know what happened there.
I think I do.
I had some sexual magnetism virus
on this hand,
but the luck virus cured it for me.
Thanks, pal (!)
I don't know what got into me.
Well, nothing, sadly.
Hello. I'm the Data Doctor.
If you would like me to examine
your hard disk, press examine.