("RED DWARF" THEME)
One day in this lousy, stinking penal colony,
and I'm cracking up.
Everyone's so deranged and brutal,
it's frightening. This afternoon I was so depressed,
- I went to see the social worker.
- Was he any help?
Not really. He beat me up.
He said I was a whining nancy boy
with girly white legs,
then pummelled me repeatedly with his book
"Showing Compassion to Inmates".
- I thought social workers were supposed to be nice.
- In the end, I was so shellshocked,
- I went to see the priest and explained everything.
- What did he say?
He said I was a whining baby
who was missing his mum.
Then he beat me up, too.
You can still see the crucifix marks
in the back of my head.
It's 'cause we're in G tower.
All the staff are mad here.
One guys was saying though, said as a reward for good
behaviour, they move you to the luxury block on D wing.
Everything's really nice there. They even shampoo the rats -
groom their tails and everything.
I must look it up
in my "Michelin Guide to Penal Hellholes".
I'm sure it probably gets the full five slop-out buckets.
They've got everything. TVs, music centres.
They've even got a trouser press.
Since when were you interested
in a trouser press?
You care less about your appearance
than a member of the Dutch Royal Family.
No, I was thinking, if we got moved to a cell
with a trouser press,
we could make cheese toasties.
What's this?
"Floor 13 information pack.
"If privacy is required when using toilet,
please wear blindfold."
What's the book?
"Gideon's Bible."
He follows me everywhere, that bloke.
I was staying in a hotel once -
he left his bible behind there as well.
Two years later, another hotel,
dozy git left it behind again.
(SIGHS)
Everything is ruined. My career's over.
I've no goal, no hope, no life.
Yeah, but how come that's
starting to get you down now?
Maybe you haven't noticed, but we're
gonna spend two years in the brig?
Two years with the
scum of the universe -
hardened criminals, deranged droids -
people so unbalanced and debauched,
they couldn't even get elected as president
of the United States. We've got to escape.
No, there's security cameras everywhere.
You know that mad geezer with the one eye
and the funny tic? He said it was impossible.
Well, he's bound to say that, he was the warden.
If only I'd hired a smarter lawyer instead of the
brain-dead, pompous, stupid-haired git I ended up with.
You defended yourself!
Yes, and I don't need reminding of that,
thank you very much.
- Two years in the Tank.
- Two years.
How did I get into this mess?
I think the blindfold's supposed to be for me.
This is the diary of Captain F. Hollister
of the mining ship Red Dwarf.
Several of my crew are presently being tried
for crimes against the Space Corps.
- Are you familiar with the mind scan?
- We are familiar with the mind scan, sir.
You understand it will involve the administration
of psychotropic drugs, that is, drugs which affect
your mental state, making this process possible.
If you accept, say "Aye".
- (ALL) Aye.
- Please sign the consent forms,
and seal them into the envelopes provided.
We reconvene at 10 a.m. tomorrow.
To test the veracity of their defence, unknown to them
I've had them placed in artificial reality
where their actions can be observed.
("Little Green Bag" by George Baker)
Right now, they believe they're escaping,
but we just want to observe what they do.
So that means that if anyone happens
to mention any special agreements
that they've entered into... Could you excuse me?
I think I've... left the iron on.
Rimmer, one of the least able of my crew...
..has started acting very suspiciously,
being incredibly insightful and efficient.
I suspect he may have access
to the crew's confidential files.
We also believe he may in possession of a virus
which makes him incredibly attractive
to the opposite sex.
This is obviously a remarkable serum, and as a
responsible senior officer of the Space Corps,
it is imperative I gain possession
of this solution and use some myself.
Oh, my God, you are sexy!
So very, very sexy!
Yesterday, he was observed
injecting his groin with anaesthetic -
something we believe he
did to regain some self control.
- Hi.
- (ALL) Hi.
I also suspect someone, possibly Lister has given gave
Rimmer access to the crew's confidential files.
He's using this information to blackmail
his way up the chain of command.
It's sickening, it's unforgivable,
but it's a technique that can work.
I should know. I used the same method myself
to become captain.
If the crew discover I'm really
just Dennis the doughnut boy, I'm finished.
I will continue to observe Lister's actions in AR,
and expect my suspicions to be confirmed.
Report ends.
(MUSIC)
This is ground control to Midget 3.
You don't appear to have flight clearance.
- Please state your name and clearance code.
- Ground control, this is...
- Major Tom!
- Yeah, Major Tom!
Major Tom, what is your clearance code
and pilot number?
I'm sorry. I left all my details
in my other pants.
I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
- Wow!
- Without take-off clearance,
- I can't permit you to fly.
- I can handle this thing OK. I'm good.
I'm better than good - I'm smooth.
With a capital smoo...
Well, that's as maybe, but I need a
little proof that you can fly that thing.
Fly? I can make this thing dance!
(CLATTER)
(UPBEAT JAZZ-FUNK)
Wow!
You free Saturday?
I am now.
Holy schmoly! I've got a date
in three days' time.
- I better start getting ready.
- You're going nowhere, man.
We are outta here!
- Thornton.
- No one's allowed in there, Rimmer. Beat it.
Angus Thornton - aged 36, middle name Lionel.
Inside leg measurement 29,
neck size 16, circumcised.
- How do you know all this?
- Jazz fan.
Good credit rating.
Once admitted to hospital totally naked
and attached to... (WHISPERS)
That's a vicious, slanderous, filthy, stinking,
slanderous lie that you just made up.
- Who told you?
- Want all the crew to know?
- Take a cigarette break. Five minutes.
- OK, I'm going.
I'm lighting up already. I'm going.
Now all we've got to is get a bearing on those damn Nanos,
we're cruising down Freedom Boulevard.
(KRYTEN) Getting something now.
(LISTER) Good.
We didn't need that confidential files
scam I cooked up with Rimmer after all,
all that stuff I gave him on the Captain. The
double-dealing, two-faced rat.
Find all references to the agreement
between Lister and Rimmer...
..and remove.
(COMPUTER) All references removed,
(SIGHS)
- What's that? Something weird just happened.
- Yeah, I felt it, too.
- There it was again.
- And again.
Oh, my!
- What is it?
- I don't believe I'm here.
I have that feeling all the time.
I have it. I believe we're in some kind of computer
manipulated psychotropically induced mind state.
You took the words right out of my mouth.
You mean this is our trial?
Our escape is our trial?
The envelopes - when we signed
the consent forms.
There must've been some
kind of drug gluey bit we licked.
So you mean, nothing's been real since then? Blue Midget,
the ground controller - none of that was real?
You mean after all this,
I still haven't got a date? Damn!
Another year when I have
to send a Valentine card to my hand!
This is good, this is good. It proves we're innocent.
Everything we've said and done - escaping, trying to
track down the Nanos, it corroborates our story.
But you ARE guilty, guys. Who are you fooling?
I don't know why I said that.
(BLEEPING)
We're being framed.
What a minute. I just said, "We're being framed," and suddenly...
It just happened again. Everything we say is being...
Bananas.
If I say who I think is responsible for this,
it'll get cut, too - so i'm not going to, but it's him.
I know it's him, you can bet on it, and if I ever catch up
with him, I'm gonna cut off both his...
...a blunt knife.
- So, how do we stop it?
- If we're plugged into AR software,
there must be a trapdoor built into the
program somewhere to allow escape.
(SQUEAKING)
- You mean, to help you get out if the program freezes?
- Precisely. There'll be a cryptic clue around somewhere.
something like a trapdoor or exit.
I got it!
- There's a button here with E-11-T on it.
- And?
11 is Xl in Roman numerals.
E-XI-T. Exit!
HE got that?
I think it proves without a
shadow of a doubt this is not reality.
(SQUEAKING LAUGHTER)
Press it.
Now where are we?
Well somehow, we've wound up in the screen saver.
We need to locate a power source
so we can switch the AR machine off.
Power source? Well, there has to be a clue
round here somewhere.
Maybe it's in this ice hole.
(ROARS)
Bleugh!
There's some food in here.
- So?
- Including a bottle of ketchup.
- So?
- Power ketchup, get it?
- What's to get?
- Power sauce!
- Pity he's only smart when he's made out of Plasticine.
- Press it.
Ooh.
(TAPPING KEY)
You backstabbing, weaselly smegger!
You were trying to frame us!
Listy, just the man.
I know at first glance it may look bad...
God, he's gorgeous!
- Oh, hold her back, please. No more.
- Oh, those nostrils.
They're driving me crazy.
I've simply got to have him.
Hold her back,
Kryten. Help me!
Put the Lift on hold.
I want his babies!
The luck virus. You still got it? Take some,
It'll cure the virus
and restore you both to normal.
Oh, God, that's so embarrassing!
- What now, Hol?
- No time to lose.
You should head for the nearest one of these...
- You mean a moon?
- Exactly.
He's right, we can regroup there
and continue our search for the Nanos.
What about me?
Well, suggest we persuade you to come with us,
sir, or failing that, we bludgeon you unconscious.
Him come with us? Are you out of your mind?!
That so dumb, I should have said it!
Mr Rimmer has had access to the confidential files, sir.
He knows all the security codes.
