Series 1 - Confidence & Paranoia - All scenes

(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC)

This is an SOS distress call
from the mining ship Red Dwarf.

The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak.

The only survivors were Dave Lister, who was
in suspended animation during the disaster

and his pregnant cat,
who was safely sealed in the hold.

Revived three million years later,

Lister's only companions are
a life form who evolved from his cat

and Arnold Rimmer, a hologram
simulation of one of the dead crew.

We have been travelling through
the galaxy now for three million years,

and there are many things we have discovered

the highest form of life in the Universe is Man, and the
lowest is a man who works for the post office.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC)

(WOMAN ON TV) Oh, Jim,
weren't you the one who said we

have to seize our moments
because they may never come again?

(SLURPS)

(MAN) Don't you see, you crazy fool, this is our
moment, right here and now. Let's seize it together.

(WOMAN) But, darling, I'm dying!

(MAN) I know, Carol
Dr Graham told me everything.

- Busy, are you, Dave?
- Hol! I'm watching the film.

- Just wondered if you're a bit bored
- No, no, I'm watching the film.

- You're not bored, then?
- No, go away!

(WOMAN) But, darling, I'm dying!

(MAN) I know, Carol
Dr Graham told me everything.

I've just finished reading everything.

I've now read everything that's even
been written anywhere by anyone ever.

- Will you go away!
- You know what the worst book ever written ever was?

- I don't care!
"Football - It's A Funny Old Game" by Kevin Keegan.

Holly, will you let me watch the film?

(ROMANTIC MUSIC)

I'm at a loose end, now.
I don't know what to do with meself.

Why don't you just read everything all over again?

I was thinking it might
help pass the time if I

created a perfectly
functioning replica of a woman,

capable of independent decision-making
and abstract thought,

and absolutely undetectable
from the real thing.

- Why don't you?
- I don't know how!

I wouldn't even know how to make the nose.

- Holly, is there something that you want?
- Well, only if you're not busy.

- Would you mind erasing some of my memory bank?
- What for?

Well, if you erase all the
Agatha Christie novels

from my memory bank I
can read 'em again tonight.

- How do I do it?
- Just type in "holmem".

"Password override. "

Then "novels, Christie, Agatha".
Then press erase.

- I've done it.
- Done what?

- Erased Agatha Christie.
- Who's she, then?

Holly, you just asked me to erase all
Agatha Christie novels from your memory.

Why should I do that?
I've never heard of her.

You've never heard of her, 'cause I've
just erased her from your smegging memory.

- What did you do that for?
- You asked me to!

- When?
- Just now!

- I don't remember this.
- Oh, I'm going to bed.

This'll go on all night.

(WOMAN) I'm dying!

(MAN) I know, Carol
Dr Graham told me everything.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC)

Off!

Had a good day, Lister?

Scrummed enough choccies?
Watched enough drivel, have you?

Look at you. You're turning
into a sad, middle-aged woman.

Next thing you know, you'll be
varnishing your nails and buying girdles.

Oh, yeah, and what've
you done that's so great?

I've achieved 17 things
today off my daily goal list,

whereas you've never achieved
anything ever in your entire life.

- I don't know, y'know. I went to the officers' block.
- When?

- This morning.
- But it hasn't been decontaminated!

You said it had last week!

No, I said it was on last
Thursday's daily goal list!

- And you haven't done it yet?!
- Tomorrow.

It's on tomorrow's daily goal list.
Item 34, right after "learn Portuguese".

Thanks a lot. Don't tell me.

Why were you mooching around
up there, anyway?

I was looking through
Kochanski's dream recorder.

She dreamed about me three
times, y'know? It was in the log.

So? Clean my teeth, please, Holly.

It must mean something.
You don't dream about

someone that you
don't feel something for.

Lister, I once had a dream about a baboon.
It doesn't mean I want to go to bed with it.

- Must've meant something.
- Shave, please, Holly.

Lister, you ought to should take
a good long look at yourself,

then you'd see just how ridiculous
you appear to other people.

If you'd let me have
Kochanski's personality disk

for like, one second,
maybe I could find out.

Lister, if you were a Love Celibate like
me, you wouldn't have these problems.

Come on, Rimmer, The only reason
you knocked around with those prats

from the Love Celibacy Society is
you could never get a date.

No it wasn't. I happen to agree with
their philosophy that love is a sickness

that holds back your career and
makes you want to spend all your money.

And you could never get a date because you
let your mum buy all your "casual" clothes.

There's nothing wrong with my casual clothes.

Oh, come on, Rimmer,
your trousers were so short

when you crossed your legs,
you could see your knees.

What about Yvonne McGruder?
That was a date.

She'd been hit on the head by a winch.
She had concussion.

That's got nothing to do with it.
She was crazy about me.

- Oh yeah? She kept calling you Norman.
- She still went to bed with me.

Yeah, because she had wonky vision,
and she thought you were somebody else.

Serves her right for being
concussed, doesn't it?

Rimmer! You don't know what love is.

Oh, Yes I do, Lister. Love is a device
invented by bank managers

to make us overdrawn.

Lights.

Rimmer, love is...

Love is what makes us different from animals.

No, Lister, what makes us different from animals

is we don't use our tongues
to clean our own genitals.

Lights!
Rimmer, are you awake?

Rimmer! Are you awake?

What? Yes, Mum, I'm just packing my satchel.

- Where am I? What time is it?
- I don't feel very well.

- Half past three?!
- I feel really ill.

well, you are really ill.

No, I mean REALLY ill

I'm going down to the medical unit.
I don't feel very well.

Lights.

Ah, Miss McGruder, where were we?

(PANTS)

I feel really hot.

Hey, this is mine. That's mine.

All this is mine. I'm claiming all this as mine.

Except that bit. I don't want that bit.

But all the rest of this is mine.

Ey, this has been a good day!

I've eaten five times, I've slept six times
and I've made a lot of things mine.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna see if I can't have
sex with something. Aow! Yeah!

# S-E-X, you know I want it! Aow!

# S-E-X, I'm gonna get it!

# S-E-X, I think I found it... #

Oh, it's you!

Hey, monkey, you're sick.

Sick, helpless and unconscious.

If you weren't my friend, I'd steal your shoes.

Time for a snack.

This way. Aow!

Emergency.

There's an emergency going on.

it's still going on.

It's still an emergency.

Will Arnold Rimmer please hurry
to White Corridor 159

This is an emergency announcement.

Food!

(MACHINE) Today's speciality
is chicken Marengo.

# I'm gonna eat you, Little chickie,
I'm gonna eat you, Little chickie.

# I'm gonna eat you, little chickie #

Ah-ah, too slow, chicken Marengo.

Too slow for this cat.

Hey! This chicken's faster than I thought!

Quick! Lister's fainted!
He needs help! Quick!

Didn't you hear me? Didn't
anyone hear me? Lister's in trouble.

The monkey - ooh-ooh-ooh! -
has fainted. I cannot pick him up. Quick! Come now.

Is there something wrong with you?
Lister's collapsed!

- Yeah?
- What do you mean "yeah"?, he needs help!

- And?
- And if you don't help him, he might die.

Aw, no! That's too bad.
I really liked him, too.

- So, come and help him.
- What, and interrupt my lunch?!

What is more important, the
man's life or your smegging lunch?

That doesn't even deserve an answer.

Right. OK. Fine. You come with me.
You get a stretcher.

(RIMMER) Down. Down. Stop.

Rimmer, let the medicomp take my temperature.

Lister, they've got to learn.

Down, down, down, slowly...

Ah, ah, now very, very, very slowly forward.

- Ah! My eye!
- Lister, they've got to learn.

- I've just nearly lost an eye!
- How about an anal reading?

- I'm alright, I feel fine now!
- Well, you're not fine.

And it's your own
smegging fault for going up to

the officers' deck before
it was decontaminated.

I just wanted to have a look around.

You just wanted to go into Kochanski's quarters
and wallow in self pity and look what's it got you.

I'm alright, I've got a touch
of pneumonia, that's all.

It's not pneumonia. Three million
years ago, it was pneumonia.

Since then, it's bred and mutated
and now we don't know what it is.

Why didn't I ask her out?

What's the worst she could've said?

She could've said, "No, you're
a filthy, stinking, loathsome,

disgusting object I wouldn't be
seen dead with in a plague pit."

She could've said yes.
Stranger things have happened.

Only two spring to mind, Lister:

the spontaneous combustion
of the Mayor of Warsaw in 1546

and that incident in 12th-century
Burgundy when it rained herring.

There's this theory me
and Chen used to have.

It's like everyone's got
two people inside you

you've got your confidence
and your paranoia.

Your confidence is the guy
who goes, "Hey, you're great.

you're dead sexy!
Everybody loves you!"

Your paranoia says, "You're stupid, useless,
you're ugly and everybody hates you."

That's odd, Lister. According
to this reading, you're clinically dead.

And what had happened was, my confidence
had just about persuaded me to ask

Kochanski out, and as I was walking up to her,
he'd go on a business trip to Hawaii or something

I'd be left with my paranoia, saying, "You
must be joking, She's gonna laugh in our face."

Sometimes, Lister, you can be quite
perceptive and thought-provoking.

Other times, like this, you rant
and drivel on like a complete loony.

- Just take me to me bed.
- All right, Lister.

OK, you now how it works.
Now, release the mechanism very, very, very gently.

Possibly a gnat's more gently than that.

Quick! Get an umbrella! Get an umbrella! Quick!

Get an umbrella! Get an umbrella!

Get an umbrella!

Necrobics. Hologrammatic exercises for the dead.

It's raining! It's raining! Get an umbrella!

It's raining. It's raining...

Holly, what's going on?

- What?
- What's happening?

Um, Hercule Poirot's
Just stepped off the steaming train.

If you want my opinion, I think they all did it.

Why do we have to have
you as the ship's computer?

We'd be better off with a bucket
full of sheep slop running things.

If you've got a complaint, just come straight out with it. Don't hide behind innuendo and hyperbole.

- Why is it raining fish in our sleeping quarters?!
- I'd be lying if I said I knew.

The only comparable incident on record
is in 12th-century Burgundy when it rained herring.

(BELL RINGS)

(MAYOR OF WARSAW EXPLODES)

It really is going to be one of those days, isn't it?

Hey, you're awake!

- Yeah, I just woke up.
- I've brought some presents!

- Oh, thanks, you shouldn't have bothered.
- Ahaha!, 'cause I'm that kinda guy!

Let's see what we've got
in the magic bag, here...

I got you some grapes,

- and I got you an orange.
- Oh, thanks a lot. I feel better already.

Well, all this enormous generosity
has made me tired. I'm going to bed.

Ah, yes, indeedy.

- You're awake.
- Yeah, but I'll be asleep in a minute.

How do you feel?

Fine, just don't ask me anymore
questions, I'm trying to sleep!

Shut up, you stupid
moggy and out of that bed!

Well, if you're gonna speak to me like that. I'm gonna take my presents back!

- How do you feel?
- Hurt!

- I feel great.
- Listen, Lister, you had a fever, OK?

- Yeah.
- And you started to hallucinate, alright?

- Yeah?
- Only your hallucinations... were solid.

- What do you mean 'solid'?
- I mean, they were real, alive, solid.

- Solid?
- Solid.

- What do you mean "They were solid"?!
- OK, I'll put it another way.

- You had hallucinations, all right?
- Yeah.

And they were solid.

I told you it wasn't ordinary pneumonia.
I told you it was mutated.

- I knew something like this would happen.
- OK, what did I hallucinate?

- Well, first of all, it was fish rain.
- Fish rain? Yeah, I dreamt that!

- Well, it actually happened.
- Where's all the fish?

Somebody ate them!

Then the Mayor of Warsaw
spontaneously combusted.

And then you hallucinated two men
in the Drive Room.

- What two men?
- Apparently, one of them's your confidence

and the other's your paranoia.

You see what I mean, Lister?

Hey! It's the king!

Mr Beautiful!

Hey, you what's the "H" for? Horace?
A chair for the king, Horace.

And breakfast. Mr Wonderful wishes to dine.

Have you lost weight? You're looking
great. Is he totally perfect or what?