Smega-Drive

by Ganymede & Titan

Series VIII - Pete: Part II - All scenes



(RIMMER) What happened to everyone?
(LISTER) Looks like they're all frozen on the spot.


Yvonne McGruder went like this
when I tried to kiss her.


Hey-hey, this'll drive them crazy!


We found this machine that can digitise
time and we can release jets of it.


It seems to have restored your hair to
a previous time period to the rest of you.


It was an accident.


Hot Bovril.


Agh!


- Fix him with the Time Wand.
- Watch this.


And this is Pete.


The excitement of being free has killed him!


He really loved that bird.
It was the only thing that kept him going.


I can't guarantee anything, sir, but I think
the Time Wand could bring Pete back to life.


Make him young and strong again.


Watch.


("RED DWARF" THEME)


Where the hell did Barney's ugly brother come from?


From Pete, sir. Birds are descended
from dinosaurs, from the Theropod family.


I inadvertently reversed evolution
several million years.


Is that you, Pete?


Birdman!


What now, sir?


Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur!


Hey, hey, Pete!


Eat me!


Here, Bob...


Bob, Catch!


(POUNDING FOOTSTEPS)


Bob!


(ROARS)


Bob!


(BOB SQUEAKS)


Come on, Kryten. Hurry up!


Leg-it mode, sir.


- We've lost the Time Wand.
- How the hell are we gonna get rid of that thing now?


We're finished!


Stop yelling, man. We gotta think our way out of this.


we're finished!


Shut up and get a grip, man.


I'm sorry, I'm sorry... It's just I was...
Look, I'm better now.


- Can I just say one thing?
- Yeah, go on.


We're finished!


Hol we need some advice, mate. We've been cornered
by a T-Rex that was formerly a sparrow.


And the only thing that can turn it back into Woody Woodpecker
is in its stomach. What's your take on the situation?


- Do you want the long or the short version?
- Ooh... Long.


You're finished.


What's the short version?


Bye.


- Kryten.
- Yes, ma'am?


How long in the normal course of things, will it take for Pete
to pass the Time Wand out of his system?


Strangely enough, ma'am, I don't have that information in my database.


My programmers, for some insane reason,


believed that dinosaur bowel movement
frequency tables wouldn't be required. Imbeciles!


Why? What's your suggestion?


Well, the quicker we get the
Time Wand back, the better, right?


- Right...
- Right, So... why don't we lure Pete into the food bay


and get him to eat some roughage?


Get a T-Rex to eat roughage?


Yeah! All Bran, prunes, baked beans on toast.
That sort of stuff.


We can't get Lister to eat that sort of stuff
let alone a seven-ton dinosaur!


The more roughage,
the quicker we get the Time Wand back.


- Have you got any better ideas?
- Yes, I have got a better idea, actually.


I'm going to kill myself.


(ROARING)


We've got to keep
this dinosaur business quiet or we're dead.


Keep him quiet?
He's rampaging about the food decks,


making more noise than two
yodelling champions on honeymoon.


- Everyone on the ship will have heard him by now.
- But, sir, the crew are frozen,


operating on a different time stream.


if we can recapture the Time Wand and turn Pete
back into a sparrow before the freeze expires,


- no one need be any the wiser.
- He's right.


I just listened to everything he said,
and I still ain't got a clue what's happening.


(ROARS)


(KRYTEN) Right over, sir. Come on, Mr Cat.


(KRYTEN) Right over.


Cow vindaloo?


It's not gonna work.


- Of course it's gonna work.
- T-Rexes don't like curry.


They're hard, aren't they?
Of course they like curries!


If a T-Rex was a bloke, he'd be a Geordie -


the kind of guy who wears T-shirts in the middle
of winter and his nipples don't even get hard.


A seven-ton theropod is not gonna eat
Indian food. They like flesh, preferably living,


liberally coated in blood with a side order
of intestines and an extra portion of blood -


a bit like the French in that respect.


Look, we've got nothing to lose.


If the worst comes to the worst
and the dino doesn't eat it, I'll scoff it meself.


(ROARS)


- That door's not gonna hold out much longer.
- If only that damn T-Rex felt like I do now.


He wouldn't even need a curry.


- Don't put that stuff in. You're gonna spoil the taste.
- Right. Here he comes.


(CLANGING, POUNDING)


- (PURRING GROWL)
- It's loving it!


Maybe we should have made some poppadoms.


Gone the whole hog.


A whole hog?


Like it wasn't hard enough getting a whole cow?


(ROARS)


Think he wants a lager.


(GROWLING ROAR)


(WAILING GROAN)


It was a hot one, but with it being a dino, I thought it could stand it.


(WAILS)


(SPLINTERING CRASH)


The time freeze on the guards must have...
If only those buttons were more clearly marked!


The rules on dinosaurs
aboard JMC mining ships are very clear.


No pets. Am I right?


Am I right?!


- Yes, sir.
- Have you any idea


- the damage that thing has caused?
- No, sir.


It has eaten our entire supply -
two and a half tons - of mint-choc ice cream.


I love mint-choc ice cream,
and that damn dino has eaten every last bit.


- We were just trying to get the Time Wand back, sir-
- It's also eaten 400 crates of orange ice pops,


and drank all the Coca Cola.


Guess what.


- You love orange ice pops and Coca Cola, sir.
- I LOVE orange ice pops and Coca Cola!


Sir, if you could just let us-


Do you know what happens
when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo,


and then eats two and a half tons
of mint-choc ice cream,


followed by 400 crates of orange ice pops,


and swills the whole thing down
with 2,000 gallons of a popular fizzy drink?


Do you know what happens?


It burps?


Oh, it burps!


And do you know what happened
to the poor, brave men


who had the misfortune
to get in the way of that burp?


They went, "Phwoar!"


It took out the entire platoon,


hurling them 20 feet across the cargo bay wall.


Sir, I hope this one small dinosaur incident
won't tarnish an otherwise flawless service record, sir.


Do you know what happens
when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo,


two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream,


followed by 400 crates of orange ice pops,


and swills it all down with 2,000 gallons
of a popular fizzy drink AFTER it's burped?


- It feels sick?
- Oh, no.


It doesn't FEEL sick, Rimmer.


It IS sick.


Five of our best men nearly drowned.


Two others are in hospital,


concussed by pieces of carrot
the size of tree trunks.


We are really deeply, deeply, deeply sorry, sir.


Do you know what happens
when a dinosaur has eaten cow vindaloo,


then eats two and a half tons
of mint-choc ice cream followed by...


- Oh, God, it didn't!
- It didn't what, Lister?


It didn't get a diarrhoea attack, did it?


100 per cent correct!


And do you know what happened to the
battalion that was sneaking up on the beast?


From behind?


Of which I was a proud member?


Do you know?


Do you know what happened?


- I've got a fair idea, sir.
- Yes, sir. A fair idea, sir.


A tidal wave.


15 feet high.


I will be in therapy for the rest of my life.
I've had 12 baths and three showers.


Now, do you have anything to say?


Yes, sir. I think you missed a bit
up your left nostril, sir.


Nobody knows how to work this thing.


It is sedated in the cargo bay.
Turn it back into a sparrow.


Sir, what about Bob? Did he show up?


Who the hell do you think landed on my head?


He is in repairs, being oiled.


Bring back the sparrow.


- And if you try anything smart, you're dead.
- Yes, sir.


And if I ever, ever, ever see you
in this office again,


you are finished.


See you in ten minutes?


Did you get punishment duty, too?


I've got to iron 800 prison smocks.
I don't understand.


Why do you get punishment duty
and I get a reward?


800! Bliss!


Did you see the captain's report?


Did you see what it said about you? It used
the word "imbecile" four times in one sentence.


Oh, yeah? What were the other words
in the sentence?


Just your name and a dash.


I don't know. You make a
couple of tiny mistakes...


you give the captain a
virus that eats all his hair off...


then you accidentally turn a sparrow into a dinosaur


and you never hear the last of it!


(SIGHS) He really thinks I'm an imbecile? I'm finished.
I'm never going to make it into high command now.


It's just the people who know you who
think you're an imbecile.


Everyone else thinks you're a moron.


He is a good captain, though, Captain Hollister, isn't he, ey?
On the ball. Quick.


Quick? The only time he's quick
is when he's passing a salad bar.


- You do admire him, though, don't ya?
- Admire him?


A man who has his own cinema
pick and mix factory in his quarters?


A man who has a walk-in fridge?


Who lists as his hobbies,
chewing and swallowing?


You did tell me once before, though,
you respect HIM, don't ya?


Respect him?


A man whose family crest is made
up of two cream buns and a profiterole?


A man who idea of a light snack- He's standing behind me, isn't he?


Yes, he is.


I was just talking about you, sir. I was saying
what a big fat lump of blubber I think you are


and how that potato virus I contracted yesterday doesn't
appear to have any strange side effects whatsoever.


(JABBERS)


You forgot this. You left it in my office.


Do you have any idea the damage that
this could cause if it got into the wrong hands?


Look after it!


You're there. I know you're there,
you little sod! Come on. Out! Out!


There's a mouse under here.
It's been scuttling around for about ten minutes.


- It's not a mouse, ma'am. It's Archie.
- Archie?


My penis. It must have escaped.


You know, I really going to have to get my ears syringed.
Do you know what that sounded like to me?


I made one.


Forget my ears. Maybe my whole brain
needs syringing. You made one?


Out of an old electron board, a loo roll,


some sticky-backed plastic
and an Action Man's polo-neck jumper.


Kryten, why do you want one?


It's so humiliating being posted to the women's
wing just because I'm genitally challenged,


so I decided to make
one like Mr Lister's.


The little rascal must have got bored jumping in and out
of his hoop and make a break for it during the night.


Well, no wonder I couldn't lure him out with a bit of cheese.
This whole thing's making sense now.


Just, leave this to me, ma'am.
Here, Archie. Here, boy.


Choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo!


- There he is!
- (TRILLING)