by Ganymede & Titan

Series VIII - Only the Good... - All scenes




(CROAKS) Come in.


(WEAKLY) Come in.

- Come in.

Can I come in, sir?

I did knock, sir. Perhaps you didn't hear me.

Your hot lemon, sir.

Goddamn yellow fever. I've still got
that jowly flabby puffiness around my cheeks.

Wasn't that there before your illness, sir?

Yes, I'm sure it was because...

Let me tuck you in, sir.

- How's life on probation? Fouled it up yet?
- Enjoying it, sir. Some Directives for you to sign, sir.

What's this 'Space Corps Free Pardon'
exonerating you of all crimes doing in here?


Those people in Admin really
need to pay more mind, sir.

Honestly, tch. You can't rely
on anyone these days, can you?

I'm so sorry, sir. It's just, if I've got a record, I'll never
become an officer and command my own ship.

That's what I long for more than anything, sir - to be like you.

Maybe thinner and in better condition,

and obviously without your clogged arteries.

But that aside, you're the person I admire the most.

- Another ambition achieved.
- You think I could become an officer,sir? One day, sir?

Look, it gives me no pleasure telling you this,
Rimmer, but I'm sorry, you're just not officer material.

- Not officer material, sir?
- If you wanna take my advice you'll redirect your energies.

and find something that you have
a genuine chance of succeeding at.

Like what, sir?


So you're saying I'm never going
to become a captain, sir? Never?



- They said it was OK to drop by.
- Talia?

Well, hi!


Rimmer was just leaving.

I can't believe we've run into one
another again after all this time.

The nanobots must have resurrected you, too.

You look wonderful.

You made captain. You've done so well.

Your own ship. wow! I've got goosebumps.

The photograph of your wife, sir, is it OK
where it is or shall I turn so it's facing the wall?

- Dismissed, Rimmer.
- Yes, sir. Thank you sir. Nothing I can get you, ma'am?

Tea? Coffee? Packet of three?

Me not make it? What does he know,
the big stupid yellow idiot?

He didn't see my good side. My guile, my
weasel cunning and, when the going gets tough,

my ability to find good hiding places.

He thinks I'm an imbecile. He really does.

Me, an imbecile (!)

Alert! Alert! A choccie nut bar...

A choccie nut bar has been removed
without payment.

- Alert! Alert!
- Shut up!

No, shan't. Alert! Alert!

If you don't shut up, I'll pour beef soup into your speaker
and you'll drown.

Take your hand off me speaker, then.

- Promise to shut up?
- Promise.

Ha, ha, ha, ha! I had my circuits crossed.

Alert! Alert! Chocolate abduction
on Floor 341

Ooh, you will not get away with this.

I may not be able to see you but I know your
taste in confectionery, and I also know-

I also know... ha ha... erm... No, in fact, that
is all I know - just your taste in confectionery.

But no matter. Because one day I'll hear your voice again,
and I'll expose you for the chocolate-thieving dog you are!

I'm really scared - I'm being threatened
by a dispensing machine (!)

What are you gonna do? Leave a horse's head
made out of marzipan in my bed?

Oh, Mummy! Help, help! I'm really scared (!)


You forgot your tray.

Thank you, sir.

He stole some chocolate! He stole...

You are my nemesis.

One day, our paths will cross again
and I will destroy you!

And on that day,
I will be the captain of this ship.

It's OK for Mr Cushy, working for the captain
now, but what about me? All that damn rock!

My back's killing me, bud.

Look at my spine. It's so curved,

if you threw it away, it'd come back.

Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock...

I ain't used to work,
but what job do they give me?

Something to do with rock, sir?

Exactly! Do you know
what they got me doing?

I gotta put all the rock albums
on the PA system.

I gotta change those suckers
once every 45 minutes.

I'm a physical wreck!

Probation's killing me, buds.

- What's that?
- Oh, it's just a present to help cheer up Miss Kochanski.

- A calendar?
- The other daya she looked at the old calendar

and said it was the wrong time
of the month, so I got her a new one.

I'll tell her - the calendar people
made a mistake,

but let's leave this whole wrong month thing
behind us. They were stupid, it was careless.

but being grumpy and tearful about it
is getting it way out of proportion.

A little word in your audio receiver.

This happens to all women? They become cranky
and weird and yet you never see this in films or on TV.

I thought men are supposed to be control of the media?
This is the biggest cover-up since Watergate!

Relax, it's no big deal. I'll tell you what to do
and how to behave - everything.

Just trust me.

# Da-dah! #

Thank goodness for Mr Lister.
I nearly made such a fool of myself.

A little present, ma'am.

All gift-wrapped.

I hope I chose the right size.

- Dave told you to do this, didn't he?
- Isn't he wonderful?

Oh, yeah. Sometimes, he's so cute,
I could just eat him.

He explained everything to me so I wouldn't
embarrass myself. Come on, then, open it!

I want you to try it on.

Maybe you could do a little twirl in it.

Kryten, how can I put this?

Is there something wrong, ma'am?

He set me up, didn't he?

This is absolutely not what you're supposed
to do when a woman is having a...

Is the banner wrong, too?

(HIGH-PITCHED WAIL) He was lying!

I've been duped by a master craftsman.

- Well, two can play at this game.
- Oh, yeah, what do you have in mind?

Are you sure you have time for this ma'am? I realise
the next few days are very special for you.

Don't you want to be playing tennis a lot
in tight white jeans?

Wouldn't want to stop you from doing that.

Not forgetting all that blue stuff
you've got to pour over things.

Just tell me your plan for getting Dave back.

Right. Here's my idea. (WHISPERS)


Hah! Glug, glug...

- That's Hol. He must want something.

Thought you might like to hear some hot-off-the-press
confidential-insider information.

There's gonna be a cell inspection
in about ten minutes. Keep it under your hat.

Cell inspection in ten minutes.

Told you.

Thanks, Hol. It was most helpful.

When it comes to being ahead of the game,
I'm the man.

If you don't mine me asking. Where did you get that priceless nugget of information
way before it got into the public domain?

I've hacked into the ship's computer system.
Got into the prison log.

I've also managed to get a goosey at the supplies inventory.

I've discovered stuff in there
that will make your hair stand on end.

What stuff?

Brylcreem it's called.

Put it on your head
and it makes your hair stand on end.

Apparently, we've only got two jars left,
so if you need some, let me know.

As soon as I've got anything else
that'd useful, I'll be back.

- See you in about 25 years, then?
- Huhuhuh.. (!)

- My little scar's itchy today. It must be all the dust.
- You've got a scar? When did you get that?

Those complimentary pens
the hospital guys were handing out.

The "Most Accidents Happen In The Home,
So Be Careful" ones.

I accidentally stabbed meself in the head with one.

- Where were you?
- I wasn't at home, so I didn't feel stupid or anything.

That's not a scar, that's a nick.

- That is a scar.
- Where did you get that?

From a fight years ago. Duel.

A duel? You?

(LAUGHS) Get outta town!

Not A duel. "Duel" -
the old Steven Spielberg movie.

A friend of mine attacked me
with the video case.

Some stupid argument about who had
the coolest bicycle clips. I got him back, though.

I peed in his mum's steam iron.
He had yellow T-shirts for a week.


Why's that going off?

It's from Kryten.
"Look under the draughts board."

Another note. "Dear Mr Lister, thanks for your
wonderful advice regarding Miss Kochanski.

"In return, I thought I'd steal Baxter's stash
of illegal hooch and hide it in your shower.

"I am laughing as I write this,
knowing your cell is about to be searched,

"and imagining the panic
now gripping your soul!"

- Oh God.
- Oh God!!!

What the hell are we gonna do? We've got an inspection
in five minutes. We're on probation!

- Down the loo. Down the sink.
- Baxter's gonna kill us if he finds out we're doing this.

The captain's gonna kill us if we don't.

But Baxter. You've seen what he's like?
Grizzly bears run screaming from him.

Last week, he was playing poker, ran out of money.

He bet his right nut on a pair of jacks.
A pair of jacks - that's how hard he is!

Smeg! The tank's full.

What are we gonna do?
We've still got two bottles left.

We're gonna have to drink it.

Drink it? This is Baxter's hooch.
It's about 300 per cent proof.

- A bottle of this would get the entire Greek Navy drunk.
- It'll put hairs on your chest.

It'll put hairs on your lips!

It'll put hairs on your... hairs! It's lethal.

Look, do you wanna get caught in possession
of illegal hooch? Get drinking.

Have we got any mixers?

You are wetter than a driving instructor's
handshake aren't ya? Get it down yer gob!


- What's it like?


# Inspection! #

On your feet.

Stand by your bunks.

You're drunk.

Drunk, sir?

No, sir.

(SLURRING) Absolutely not, sir. No.

No, no... No.

Who fancies a kebab?

(BOTH) Oh, a kebab, yeah!


He's tricked us.


Must have been the sherry trifle for lunch, sir.
Told him not to go back for seconds, sir.


Call the medi bay. We need two stomach pumps.

Super suck.

It's Baxter.

Your two mates skulled my hooch.

When they get out of hospital,
and there's no guards about...

..this is what's gonna happen to them.


You're gonna squeeze their rolls?

That's irritating but hey, in many
ways, they'll be quite relieved.

What have I done?