Series VIII - Only the Good... - All scenes
("RED DWARF" THEME)
(SCREAMS)
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
(CROAKS) Come in.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
(WEAKLY) Come in.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR)
- Come in.
Can I come in, sir?
I did knock, sir. Perhaps you didn't hear me.
Your hot lemon, sir.
Goddamn yellow fever. I've still got
that jowly flabby puffiness around my cheeks.
Wasn't that there before your illness, sir?
Yes, I'm sure it was because...
Let me tuck you in, sir.
- How's life on probation? Fouled it up yet?
- Enjoying it, sir. Some Directives for you to sign, sir.
What's this 'Space Corps Free Pardon'
exonerating you of all crimes doing in here?
(GASPS)
Those people in Admin really
need to pay more mind, sir.
Honestly, tch. You can't rely
on anyone these days, can you?
I'm so sorry, sir. It's just, if I've got a record, I'll never
become an officer and command my own ship.
That's what I long for more than anything, sir - to be like you.
Maybe thinner and in better condition,
and obviously without your clogged arteries.
But that aside, you're the person I admire the most.
- Another ambition achieved.
- You think I could become an officer,sir? One day, sir?
Look, it gives me no pleasure telling you this,
Rimmer, but I'm sorry, you're just not officer material.
- Not officer material, sir?
- If you wanna take my advice you'll redirect your energies.
and find something that you have
a genuine chance of succeeding at.
Like what, sir?
(CROAKING MUMBLE)
So you're saying I'm never going
to become a captain, sir? Never?
(CROAKS)
(KNOCKING)
- They said it was OK to drop by.
- Talia?
Well, hi!
Hi.
Rimmer was just leaving.
I can't believe we've run into one
another again after all this time.
The nanobots must have resurrected you, too.
You look wonderful.
You made captain. You've done so well.
Your own ship. wow! I've got goosebumps.
The photograph of your wife, sir, is it OK
where it is or shall I turn so it's facing the wall?
- Dismissed, Rimmer.
- Yes, sir. Thank you sir. Nothing I can get you, ma'am?
Tea? Coffee? Packet of three?
Me not make it? What does he know,
the big stupid yellow idiot?
He didn't see my good side. My guile, my
weasel cunning and, when the going gets tough,
my ability to find good hiding places.
He thinks I'm an imbecile. He really does.
Me, an imbecile (!)
Alert! Alert! A choccie nut bar...
A choccie nut bar has been removed
without payment.
- Alert! Alert!
- Shut up!
No, shan't. Alert! Alert!
If you don't shut up, I'll pour beef soup into your speaker
and you'll drown.
Take your hand off me speaker, then.
- Promise to shut up?
- Promise.
Ha, ha, ha, ha! I had my circuits crossed.
Alert! Alert! Chocolate abduction
on Floor 341
Ooh, you will not get away with this.
I may not be able to see you but I know your
taste in confectionery, and I also know-
I also know... ha ha... erm... No, in fact, that
is all I know - just your taste in confectionery.
But no matter. Because one day I'll hear your voice again,
and I'll expose you for the chocolate-thieving dog you are!
I'm really scared - I'm being threatened
by a dispensing machine (!)
What are you gonna do? Leave a horse's head
made out of marzipan in my bed?
Oh, Mummy! Help, help! I'm really scared (!)
Rimmer.
You forgot your tray.
Thank you, sir.
He stole some chocolate! He stole...
You are my nemesis.
One day, our paths will cross again
and I will destroy you!
And on that day,
I will be the captain of this ship.
It's OK for Mr Cushy, working for the captain
now, but what about me? All that damn rock!
My back's killing me, bud.
Look at my spine. It's so curved,
if you threw it away, it'd come back.
Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock...
I ain't used to work,
but what job do they give me?
Something to do with rock, sir?
Exactly! Do you know
what they got me doing?
I gotta put all the rock albums
on the PA system.
I gotta change those suckers
once every 45 minutes.
I'm a physical wreck!
Probation's killing me, buds.
- What's that?
- Oh, it's just a present to help cheer up Miss Kochanski.
- A calendar?
- The other daya she looked at the old calendar
and said it was the wrong time
of the month, so I got her a new one.
I'll tell her - the calendar people
made a mistake,
but let's leave this whole wrong month thing
behind us. They were stupid, it was careless.
but being grumpy and tearful about it
is getting it way out of proportion.
A little word in your audio receiver.
This happens to all women? They become cranky
and weird and yet you never see this in films or on TV.
I thought men are supposed to be control of the media?
This is the biggest cover-up since Watergate!
Relax, it's no big deal. I'll tell you what to do
and how to behave - everything.
Just trust me.
# Da-dah! #
Thank goodness for Mr Lister.
I nearly made such a fool of myself.
A little present, ma'am.
All gift-wrapped.
I hope I chose the right size.
- Dave told you to do this, didn't he?
- Isn't he wonderful?
Oh, yeah. Sometimes, he's so cute,
I could just eat him.
He explained everything to me so I wouldn't
embarrass myself. Come on, then, open it!
I want you to try it on.
Maybe you could do a little twirl in it.
Kryten, how can I put this?
Is there something wrong, ma'am?
He set me up, didn't he?
This is absolutely not what you're supposed
to do when a woman is having a...
Is the banner wrong, too?
(HIGH-PITCHED WAIL) He was lying!
I've been duped by a master craftsman.
- Well, two can play at this game.
- Oh, yeah, what do you have in mind?
Are you sure you have time for this ma'am? I realise
the next few days are very special for you.
Don't you want to be playing tennis a lot
in tight white jeans?
Wouldn't want to stop you from doing that.
Not forgetting all that blue stuff
you've got to pour over things.
Just tell me your plan for getting Dave back.
Right. Here's my idea. (WHISPERS)
(IMITATES FAX) Bling!
Hah! Glug, glug...
- (TINY WHISTLING)
- That's Hol. He must want something.
Thought you might like to hear some hot-off-the-press
confidential-insider information.
There's gonna be a cell inspection
in about ten minutes. Keep it under your hat.
Cell inspection in ten minutes.
Told you.
Thanks, Hol. It was most helpful.
When it comes to being ahead of the game,
I'm the man.
If you don't mine me asking. Where did you get that priceless nugget of information
way before it got into the public domain?
I've hacked into the ship's computer system.
Got into the prison log.
I've also managed to get a goosey at the supplies inventory.
I've discovered stuff in there
that will make your hair stand on end.
What stuff?
Brylcreem it's called.
Put it on your head
and it makes your hair stand on end.
Apparently, we've only got two jars left,
so if you need some, let me know.
As soon as I've got anything else
that'd useful, I'll be back.
- See you in about 25 years, then?
- Huhuhuh.. (!)
- My little scar's itchy today. It must be all the dust.
- You've got a scar? When did you get that?
Those complimentary pens
the hospital guys were handing out.
The "Most Accidents Happen In The Home,
So Be Careful" ones.
I accidentally stabbed meself in the head with one.
- Where were you?
- I wasn't at home, so I didn't feel stupid or anything.
That's not a scar, that's a nick.
- That is a scar.
- Where did you get that?
From a fight years ago. Duel.
A duel? You?
(LAUGHS) Get outta town!
Not A duel. "Duel" -
the old Steven Spielberg movie.
A friend of mine attacked me
with the video case.
Some stupid argument about who had
the coolest bicycle clips. I got him back, though.
I peed in his mum's steam iron.
He had yellow T-shirts for a week.
(BEEPING FAX)
Why's that going off?
It's from Kryten.
"Look under the draughts board."
Another note. "Dear Mr Lister, thanks for your
wonderful advice regarding Miss Kochanski.
"In return, I thought I'd steal Baxter's stash
of illegal hooch and hide it in your shower.
"I am laughing as I write this,
knowing your cell is about to be searched,
"and imagining the panic
now gripping your soul!"
- Oh God.
- Oh God!!!
What the hell are we gonna do? We've got an inspection
in five minutes. We're on probation!
- Down the loo. Down the sink.
- Baxter's gonna kill us if he finds out we're doing this.
The captain's gonna kill us if we don't.
But Baxter. You've seen what he's like?
Grizzly bears run screaming from him.
Last week, he was playing poker, ran out of money.
He bet his right nut on a pair of jacks.
A pair of jacks - that's how hard he is!
Smeg! The tank's full.
What are we gonna do?
We've still got two bottles left.
We're gonna have to drink it.
Drink it? This is Baxter's hooch.
It's about 300 per cent proof.
- A bottle of this would get the entire Greek Navy drunk.
- It'll put hairs on your chest.
It'll put hairs on your lips!
It'll put hairs on your... hairs! It's lethal.
Look, do you wanna get caught in possession
of illegal hooch? Get drinking.
Have we got any mixers?
You are wetter than a driving instructor's
handshake aren't ya? Get it down yer gob!
(CHOKING GASP)
- (COUGHS)
- What's it like?
(STRANGLED VOICE) It's OK.
# Inspection! #
On your feet.
Stand by your bunks.
You're drunk.
Drunk, sir?
No, sir.
(SLURRING) Absolutely not, sir. No.
No, no... No.
Who fancies a kebab?
(BOTH) Oh, a kebab, yeah!
Smeg!
He's tricked us.
(LAUGHS)
Must have been the sherry trifle for lunch, sir.
Told him not to go back for seconds, sir.
(SNORES)
Call the medi bay. We need two stomach pumps.
Super suck.
It's Baxter.
Your two mates skulled my hooch.
When they get out of hospital,
and there's no guards about...
..this is what's gonna happen to them.
(CRAZY LAUGH)
You're gonna squeeze their rolls?
That's irritating but hey, in many
ways, they'll be quite relieved.
What have I done?
(RIMMER GROANS)
Baxter's out to mash you.
You've gotta escape. We all have.
Security's lax here. If we can make it to the
landing bay and steal a ship, Bob's your scutter.
Where's the Cat?
He should be getting
himself hospitalised any second.
Pass the salt, would you?
That guy there took some of your fries.
What in the hell are you doing...
..Shirley (?)
I'm stealing your fries...
fat boy!
Mmm... This is good.
Tasty!
There ain't no one more bad-ass evil than me
in the whole of hell.
What makes you think you can dis me and live?
Cause things are changing round here.
From now on, marshmallow ass,
you're my bitch.
Your what?
B-I-ITCH. Bitch! That's what you look like,
that's what you are, understand?
OK.
What?
Anyone who tough-talks me
gotta be a no-loading pug.
You want me to be your bitch,
that's fine by me, sir!
Are you sure you don't wanna
just hit me a couple of times? Test me out?
No, sir. I'm your bitch.
From now on, I'm your jiggly-wiggly,
rollover, sweet patootie, honey-bun missy.
I just wanna make you happy.
Then hit me!
And hurt my baby's kisser? Nothin' doin"!
Damn!
We can't hang around, we gotta
be outta here by five o'clock.
What's so special
about five o'clock?
Five o'clock's bed-bath time,
and apparently I'm doing them!
The microbe which destroyed
the Hermes. It's on Red Dwarf!
How?
The microbe's chameleonic, so it must have been
the escape pod - the one Talia... whats-her-name arrived on.
- We've got to go back and tell them.
- What about our escape?
It could be days before they discover this. If
we go back now, they've got a chance to work on an antidote.
You're just acting all brave and manly
to impress her, aren't you?
No, Dave's right. He's looking at the big picture.
Yeah - the big picture involves you,
no clothes and a haystack.
Red Dwarf is being devoured from within
by a corrosive micro-organism.
As you probably know, we don't have enough craft
for everyone to be rescued,
so most of you will be staying behind to die.
Oh, there's an apology about that
in the internal mail.
Just as I suspected. Created in a lab
and programmed not to destroy glass.
So all we need is a plutonium-powered
greenhouse and we're home free.
We need an antidote. Something that will neutralize
the corrosive negativity of the microbe.
- Something with a corrosive positivity?
- So, where do we get that?
There's nothing in "Yellow Pages".
A mirror universe. A universe where things
are diametrically opposite to this one.
There, negative becomes positive
and a virus becomes an antidote.
If there's even the slightest imperfection in the prism,
the mirror universe may be an imperfect version of our own.
That's something we won't know until we get there.
It's overloaded. We've lost Mr Rimmer!
- At last! Things are looking up.
- How long is it going to take to fix that thing?
Best guess, about 20 minutes.
(ROARING)
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Can I come in, sir? I did knock.
Perhaps you didn't hear me.
Here's your hot lemon, sir.
Thank you, um...
...Private Nobody.
Oh, a few directives to sign, sir.
Of course, laddie.
A free pardon exonerating you from all crimes?
Ooh! I don't know how that got in there, sir. I...
Want to be an officer, don't you, laddie?
Oh, sir. Could I? One day, could I be?
No, I don't think you could.
Of course - it's a mirror universe.
Everything's opposite.
My God!
This is gonna take some getting used to.
They said it was OK to drop by.
You look wonderful.
So do you.
- That'll be all, Shambles.
- Yes, sir.
You made captain. You've done so well.
Your own ship. wow! I've got goosebumps.
So have I.
Let me kiss you.
(MUFFLED PROTEST)
What are you doing?
I'm giving you a big wet snog
with oodles of Tommy Tongue.
But I'm your sister.
Yes, of course,
but I was really pleased to see you.
- I, um...
- You French kissed me.
No, it was nearer Antwerp. I Belgian kissed you.
l...
I've been really ill
You're the captain's sister?
Oh, my God! What a terrible dream!
Hi, sis. It's me, Arnie, your bro. Get your big old
lumpy bum down here and give us a big hug!
Captain Rimmer,
I am Sister Talia Garrett.
Your personal spiritual adviser.
(SHE SOBS)
Sis... Sister whoever you are...
Oh, smeg!
Excuse me.
- Yes?
- I wonder could you tell me what this is?
You'll need to ask the professor, then.
He does all that stupid, sciencey brainbox-type stuff.
Somebody call?
- Professor?
- Yes, Captain?
Perhaps you could help me. What's this?
- It's an alkaline.
- Oh yes, and what's it called?
Cesiumfrancolithicmixialibidiumrixydixydoxydexydroxide. You look surprised.
I never thought I'd ever hear you say that.
Can you write it down for me?
Certainly. Can I have
an extremely long piece of paper, my dear?
The antidote! I did it!
(ECHOING CLANGING AND BANGING)
(CREAKING, BANGING)
Where is everyone?
(DISPENSING MACHINE) They've repaired the
machine and crossed into the mirror universe.
You're the highest-ranked crew member left on
the ship, so I suppose that makes you Captain.
- Congratulations, Cap (!)
- Smeg off!
(HISSING STEAM, EXPLOSION)
Where are you going?
To make up a formula.
I think you'll find that the formula on that piece of paper
has now turned into the formula for the virus.
You've left the mirror universe,
so it's turned back into its opposite. (LAUGHS)
Smeg! You're right.
- This is a disaster!
- No, there could still be a happy ending.
- How?
- Remember that chocolate bar you still owe me for?
You could always pay me back before you snuff it.
How's that a happy ending?
It's a happy ending for me.
At least my totals will tally.
Why don't you smegging well smeg off, you annoying
little smeggy, smegging smegger?
Every dog has his day.
And today's the day...
..and I'm the dog!
(# "Adagio for Strings" by Samuel Barber #)
Smeg!
- (HOWLING WIND)
- Arnold Judas Rimmer.
Your life is over.
Come with me.
You will travel to the River Styx
where you will place a coin...
- Not today, matey!
- Ohh...
Remember - only the good die young.
- (DEATH) That's... never happened before! (THUD!)
# It's cold outside,
there's no kind of atmosphere
# I'm all alone, more or less
# Let me fly far away from here
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
# Drinking fresh mango juice
# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun #
