by Ganymede & Titan

Back to Earth - Part II - All scenes

No way will this work.

I'll probably end up with your head
or someone else's legs.

Something always goes wrong.
I'm not building my hopes up.

And we begin.


- Have you found any dirt on her yet?
- Her character is flawless, sir.


And if her character is flawless,
that means...

I know.

I'll have to frame her.

- No, sir. I meant...
- Mmm.

Is working.

Now if calculations correct,

portal should

open now.

It's working!

Something is not right.

Saying we don't exist.

How can this be possible?

Taking us to nearest valid reality.
Makes no sense.

What size is this?

This baby's 50 inches of full,
crotch throbbing pixel power.

I like it!

Too big. It's only for the bedroom.

How can our reality not exist?
It's crazy.

What about this one?

I can't hold on much longer!

Yes, something is very wrong.
Send Rimmer through first see if safe.



(SCREAMING) I said, wait!

What was that?

- Did you hear something smash?
- On TV.

Can't hold on much longer!

- MAN: What, is it HD ready?
- It's a version of HD ready, yeah.



Oh yeah!


Where are we, Kryten?

Well, according to the Psi scan, sir,
we're in a department store in London

in the early part of the 21st century.

The early part of the 21...

Isn't that when all the banks
went belly up and money became useless?

I've read about that in history.

What a sound system, eh?

Sounds like you're in the room
with them.

- Where are we, Kryten?
- Well, according to the Psi scans, sirs,

- we're in a department store in London.
- (CHUCKLING) Red Dwarf.

- Is this a new series?
- I don't really follow it myself.

Science fiction.

It's all a bit bollocks really,
isn't it?

That Psi scan thing.
Knows everything, doesn't it?

Any bit of exposition,
just ask the Psi scan.

How can it know everything?
Talk about rubbish.

who's he Kryten?

Well, according to the Psi scan, sir,
he's a pompous know-all,

know-nothing idiot
called Mike Mellington,

who incidentally has a very small penis.

- How does the Psi scan know that?
- Well, it's scanned his e-mail, sir.

He's already onto his fourth tub
of penis enlargement cream.

Hey buds, the porthole's closed.
We can't get back.

What do you mean, get back? We are back!

This is Earth, this is home.
And we've got rid of Kremlin Kate.

Let's crack open the vodka.

It is me or is everyone staring?

Also they all seem to be
in smirk mode, sir.

They're just laughing at your face,
Kryten. Nothing to worry about.

Back in the 21st century,
they laughed at freaks all the time.

They used to have TV shows
on Saturday nights

where they'd get out all the freaks,
make them sing and dance

and then point and laugh at them.
Simple people. Simple tastes.

(WHISPERING) Hey, hey.
What are these things?

They're Digital Versatile Discs, sir.
DVDs for short.

They were very popular in the early part
of the 21st century before they died out

and were replaced with what we use now.

- What, you mean videos?
- Precisely.

Back then no-one knew that
the human race were utterly incapable

of putting the DVDs back in their cases.
Case in point.

Over two trillion went missing
in just over 20 years.

Videos are just too big to lose.


Sirs, look.

Red Dwarf. This is us!

It's a TV series about us.

It recounts all our adventures,
every single one of them.

How's this possible?

We're characters from a TV series
who've somehow escaped the TV world,

into the real world.

That explains why the dimension
cutter said our reality wasn't valid.

I'm not real.
I'm a character in a TV series.

I'm not real. I'm not real.

- That explains so much.
- I'm not real either.

Does that mean
I'm not really this good looking?

Just typical of my luck, isn't it?

Just when things start to go right
it turns out that I'm...

I'm not real. Fantastic!

Now sirs, we need clear heads
and equanimity.

Naturally, it's extremely disturbing
to discover that we are just

characters in a TV series.

And naturally there's going
to be a period of acclimatisation.

But it's essential that we keep all this
in perspective.

We're not real! What are we gonna do?

There, I think that's pretty much
put in it in perspective.

- Don't you, sirs?
- This is too weird for words.

Hey guys, look at this.

Back to Earth.
That's the story we're in now.

He's right. Look!

There's no disc in it.

Coming soon, it's not out yet.

Back to Earth takes place
after series 10.

Kochanski's dead and the crew
are hurled through a portal

and discover they're just characters
from a TV series.

Knowing they will die
in the final episode.


The Dwarfers, in best
Blade Runner tradition,

track down their creators
to plead for more life.

- How are we gonna do that?
- Easy.

Hey buds, give us more life.
I'm pleading with you. See?

First the crew attempt
to track down the actors...

actors who play them in the series
and their metaphysical odyssey begins.

All my life I've wanted to go
on a metaphysical odyssey.

For years I never thought
I'd get the chance.

- So what happens next?
- Doesn't say, it's a three-parter.

Oh, not a three-parter,
I hate three-parters.

What if I'm not in that night?

Say I'm busy? What if...

Oh, I'll tell you what,
the toilets here are medieval.

- Bet you felt right at home then.
- Oh, there's no toilet paper.

Don't use the stuff these days.
Like I said they're a simple people.

They eat Spam.

I mean there I am in the cubicle,
no paper, wondering what to do.

I open the door and see this machine
on the wall which blows out hot air.

Then I twig.

Tell you what,
they've got a different system here.

Different system?

Yeah well, you've gotta wash yourself
in one of the sinks

and use the air machine to dry your bum.

- And that's what you did?
- No choice.

And those air machines are really high.

It's like you're holding
your cheeks apart, jumping up and down,

trying to catch some breeze.

I'll tell you something,
they're not friendly round here.

Try and start a conversation
and no-one wants to know.

Where's Cat and Kryten?

Gone to get some money.
Haven't got a bean between us.

- Money? How are they gonna get money?
- Some second-hand shop.

Kryten's gonna try and pawn his head.

- And what about seeing?
- Gonna use his spare set of eyes.

- Hang them out of his neck hole.
- Oh that's a good look, isn't it?

That's not gonna stand out at all.

- Hey!
- Any luck?

They thought we were
from a hidden camera show, sir,

and wouldn't take us seriously.

We even offered to throw in
one of his legs. Still no deal.

How we gonna trace our creators?

We ain't got not wheels,
ain't got no dough.


I know how we can get money.

How much we got?

We've got 15 combs, 2 mobile phones,
3 packets of gum,

2 condoms, 2 pairs of reading glasses
and 19 pieces of popcorn.

I'm expecting to pull out Glenn Miller
or Shergar anytime.

- What about the money?
- Yeah, so far we got £19 and 43 pence.

- Now what?
- Well, according to this

we get on the Tube and go to a science
fiction shop called They Walk Among Us.

RIMMER: This is too weird for words.

- CAT: Hey buds! Check this!
- KRYTEN: Look, that's me!

Look at that! And that!

- Listening to music?
- No. Why?

(CLEARS THROAT) I was just wondering
if you could help us, we're erm...

We're trying to find the guys
involved in the making of a TV series

called Red Dwarf.

Uh, we're trying to find out
if this is our last show or not.

This is the weird bit like,
we're not the actors,

we're the real characters.

There was this kind of dimension thing

Dimension skid, was it?
Happens a lot this time of year.

One minute you're fine the next...


"Oh, where where where where"

You're in a new dimension.
Gotta be so careful.

Thank God for that. He's insane.

So you're after, like, cast info?

Need some advice.

I can't give you any numbers,
but I know a man who can.

EL Presidente of the Red Dwarf Fan Club.

Nothing that guy doesn't know
about the small rouge one.

- We've got a fan club?
- New guy just taken over.

Bit of a fanatic.
Changed his name to Reg Wharf.

People have to call him Mr Wharf.

His sitting room looks
just like your sleeping quarters.

Got an H tattooed on his head.
He's not like us, he's a bit weird.

Reg, dude. It's Noddy here.

Sorry to interrupt the Warhammer, mate.

Uh, guess who I've got
standing in my shop?

Go on, guess.


No. Who?


Shall I tell you? No.


Shall I tell you?
I'm gonna tell you anyway.

I've got standing in my shop
the real, actual crew from Red Dwarf.

Had a bit of a dimension skid.
Yeah, that's what I said.

Ah, well, they're trying to find out
how many shows they've got left.

Exactly. Need some numbers,
know you've got them.

What? Why?


Can't give out cast info.
Space Corps Directive 596.


(CHUCKLING) Love it when he does this
and gets it all wrong.


Space Corps Super Chimps
performing acts of indecency

in zero gravity will lose
all banana privileges.

No, sir, the crew's files are
for the eyes of the Captain only.

- Ah!
- So we're smegged?

What's that?

NODDY: That's Dave Lister's bath
from season 9.

Best season ever if you ask me.
Awesome season. Best by miles.

You were in that.
Remember when Kryten ran in

and told you that Kochanski had been
sucked out of an airlock?

- Fish scale?
- (SNIFFING) Not fish.

Could be a bit of poppadom.

Who doesn't eat a curry in the bath?

Maybe its artificial snake scale
from the one the polymorph turned into.


It's got a licence number
and a prop maker's name, Swallow.

Hey, hey, I've seen that name here.

LISTER: Hey, here he is.

Swallow & Cast waiting for taxis,
fan convention 2009.

Kryten, scan the photo
and beam it onto that TV.

RIMMER: Uncrop.
Wait, what's that? Frame left.

- RIMMER: That card, zoom in.
- CAT: Swallow. Pick up 3:00.

KRYTEN: Must be his taxi.

LISTER: Bet his address
is on the other side.

RIMMER: Pull out. Stop.
wait, I've got an idea, track in.

Stop. Enhance reflection.

Need a reflective surface
to get us back across the street.

Zoom in. Pan right.

See if there are any water droplets
on that lamp post.

Got one. Thanks Fido. Zoom 80.

Enhance reflection. Stop. Rotate 170.

Zoom 220.

- CAT: What's that?
- RIMMER: Flop.

- KRYTEN: That's the taxi driver.
- LISTER: There's the business card.

RIMMER: Zoom 260. Rotate 90 degrees.

CAT: Track in.
Swallow's business address.

Sir, wouldn't it have been quicker
to look him up in the phone book?

Print me a 4 x 6
and any more remarks like that,

I'll ask for an A3
out of your waste disposal.

Makes latex masks
for the film and TV industry.

Specialising in noses.

Maybe we track him down,
he'll point us in the right direction.

But sir, how are we gonna get there?
That's over 30 miles away.

I know. Holly Hop Drive.

ALL: Back on Red Dwarf.


- Matter Paddle.
- ALL: It's on the Dwarf.

Time slides where you walk into
a photograph and...

ALL: It's back on the Red Dwarf. sir.

NODDY: Got it! Beam there.

- ALL: That's Star Trek, not us.
- KRYTEN: No, we don't do that, sir.

All right if you've got
no teleportation systems

or anti-matter re-assemblers, no option.

You'll have to catch the bus.

Neurotic. I'm not neurotic.