Smega-Drive
by Ganymede & Titan
Back to Earth - Part III - All scenes
KRYTEN: Initiating landing procedure.
Everyone on standby.
Cabin crew. Prepare for landing.
CAT: Security checks commencing.
All personnel in position.
- Everyone returned from the restroom?
- ALL: Check.
- All little tables folded away?
- ALL: Check.
- CAT: Seat belts on?
- ALL: Check.
Winkers to shutdown. Landing gear down.
Requesting landing line.
Suggest left hand traffic pattern, sir,
towards that landing light edifice
at the end of the street.
LISTER: Applying brakes now.
Velocity decreasing.
KRYTEN: Revs 2,000 and dwindling.
CAT: Pavement in sight.
Landing lights locked.
KRYTEN: Standby, we're attempting
to stop. Good luck everybody.
Handbrake engaging. Ignition off.
- Wow, we made a good landing.
- Well done, everyone.
- Okay, doors to manual.
- Check.
Disembark in your own time, gentlemen.
What sort of God forsaken place is this?
-This is worse than Rimmer World.
-Get out of town, this is brilliant.
This is just like where I grew up
except there's less burning cars.
I'll find out where Mr Charles is from
that information droid.
Salutations, old droid, sir.
I'm looking for the actor,
Craig Charles. Can you direct?
KRYTEN: Perhaps it's over-heated.
Are you usually that red?
I'm going to place this instrument
into your voice unit
and I want you to say, "Ah".
-Hi, it's me. Where are you?
-CRAIG: I'm in the Rovers, kid. Why?
See you in a minute.
Seems to be some sort of
malfunction, sirs.
(BEEPING)
Good grief. Vandals have stolen
the droid's entire hard drive
and stuffed envelopes
through its voice unit.
-What kind of place is this?
-Let's ask in the shop.
Let me do the talking, sir.
I've been studying the dialect.
I'll wait outside, guard Carbug.
Earth, man.
(SNIFFS)
Smell those chip butties.
(DOOR OPENS)
Hiya chuck, pal, love, sir.
We're looking, I mean, looooking,
for granny-grabbing,
philandering taxi driver,
Lloyd Mullaney,
as played by Craig Charles.
I think he's in the Rovers
learning his lines.
Is this some sort of joke?
The Rovers? Well, I'll stand at
the bottom of our stairs
and eat a barm cake. We were just
past that, weren't we, lads?
-Aye, we were, weren't we?
-(SIGHS) What a load of numpties.
-Get your keks on, lads, we're sorted.
-Quality.
-Mint.
-Ta very much, chuck, pal, love, sir.
-See ya.
-Ta-ra, pet.
Good job, chaps. We were so authentic
it was frightening.
Oi. You'll never guess
who I've just seen.
All your mates from Red Dwarf.
-They're outside.
-Serious?
Yeah. They've just landed in
a little spaceship,
it was green, what's it called?
Listen, mate, don't mess about.
I've got loads of lines to learn.
I've got a massive scene this afternoon.
But I'm serious. I know what I saw.
-Even you were there.
-I was there? How many have you had?
Well, I've had a couple, but listen,
I've just seen you.
So high, ugly, it's definitely you.
Hi, guys. What are you doing here?
Ah, Mr Charles, sir. My name is Kryten.
I'm a fictitious character from the
television series Red Dwarf
and we really need your help.
Told you.
(DOOR OPENS)
You're the only one
that can help us, man.
I've heard about these.
They're called flashbacks, flashbacks.
-I know you don't exist.
-Okay, no need to rub it in.
Just give us the address
of whoever created us
and we'll jump into Starbug
and be out of here.
-Starbug?
-I just told you.
They landed outside the Kabin.
That is okay, isn't it?
We're not going to get a ticket, are we?
You're not all here.
I know you're not all here.
He's not all here,
but the rest of us are.
Yeah.
You see, sir, we're from an
alternate dimension
and we need answers, like
how many episodes do we have left?
Um, I know how many episodes
you've got left.
-How many?
-Er, one.
It's called Back to Earth, Part 3.
Script due in a couple of days.
All we need from you is an address, bud.
-We've got to speak to our creator.
-And I've got to get back to the Priory.
I am so glad I'm not him.
The guy's a wreck
and pretending to be somebody else
all day, that's no way to make a living.
Smeghead.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Visitors, sir.
I'm surprised you didn't find me sooner.
It's not an easy thing to find
your creator.
And how can he assist you?
We want more life, smegger.
A series cancellation sequence
can't be revised once it's established.
What about all the loose ends,
me and Kochanski, getting back home?
I grew weary of you.
Does this mean this is our
last episode, sir?
The light that burns twice as bright,
burns half as long.
Yeah, but the light that burns half
as bright burns four times as long.
But the light that burns three-quarters
as bright burns five-eighths as long
as the light that burns a quarter
as bright as the light that's gone out.
I'd have needed a calculator for that.
The point is, gentlemen, you have all
burned so very, very brightly
and for so very, very long
just like the red dwarf star itself.
Nothing lasts forever, not even...
Banks.
What about a Kryten spin-off series?
I could be his sidekick.
Or a sitcom? I'd even do a sitcom,
anything, anything to stay alive.
-What about a show about cats?
-That'd never work.
Look, what you need is me and Kryten
thrown back in time
like a new kind of Robin Hood
and each week he gets captured
and is about to be burnt at the stake
for witchcraft or just having
a stupid head and each week I,
in a different new
brave new way, rescue him, bravely.
All right it sucks. Fair enough.
Your deaths will be magnificent.
Sad and beautiful.
The shooting script.
Let me describe it for you.
You try to escape your destiny and run.
I give chase.
(PEOPLE CLAMOURING)
Move out of my way.
Move.
Move. Move. Move. Out of my way.
(GUN SHOTS)
(GLASS BREAKING)
(GUN SHOTS)
Sad and beautiful.
Blade Runner is the film which inspired
both your creation and your death.
Gentlemen,
time to die.
-Come here.
-You'd kill me?
You're damn right we would.
You know how much you've made me suffer?
The life you created for me,
all those cheap laughs.
All that stuff about Rachel,
the inflatable doll?
All the jokes about
my puncture repair kit.
Actually, that bit was funny.
Sorry, carry on.
Did you ever think how I felt?
Start writing.
I save the day. I get a girlfriend
who's gorgeous and crazy about me
and before you even think of it,
after we've bonked each other senseless,
she doesn't turn out to be my
long-lost sister.
Damn, how did you know
I was thinking that?
Because I know how you think.
Now write me a happy ending
or we'll take you with us.
(TYPING)
You can never win.
Accept it and die well.
(GASPING) If you kill me, you moron,
you'll cease to exist.
Haven't you been following any of this?
I've been dead for ages, man.
Just sitting around,
getting old and fat.
I never thought I had
responsibility to anyone,
I never thought there was anyone
out there who was on my side,
who wanted to things to work out.
We've got a fan club.
They've even named
a TV station after me.
I was never alone.
I just didn't realise it.
Now I want more life, smegger!
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
-I've killed him.
-Well, we shouldn't exist.
All I wanted was a sitcom,
a sitcom in a biscuit factory.
-Is that really too much to ask?
-I killed him.
How can I kill him?
That's not me. I don't kill people.
You killed him because he made you
kill him, sir.
Kryten, Page 19, "You killed him, sir,
because he made you kill him".
It's all in here. He lied to us about
our deaths on the street.
That was just to throw us off.
He killed us by getting us to kill him
and now we're going to die too because
there's no one to keep us alive.
He's right.
In fact, I don't think I feel too well.
-Me neither.
-I think I'm going to...
-Check the end, see what happens.
-Oh, yeah.
(TYPING)
We can write our own end.
Of course, what's written happens.
We're free now.
Hey, man, I feel like a God.
I feel like I've got liquid gold
coursing through every vein in my body.
Hey, we can get out of this.
As long as we've got this,
we control the world,
we can do whatever we want.
-I could command my own ship.
-I could get Kochanski back.
Woo! I could get some new sponges.
Hey, how come I didn't get a line there?
I just gave you one there.
I knew you'd be smegged off.
LISTER: I control everything.
So the rest of our loaves can be one
giant hedonistic wash fulfilment.
Typos, sorry guys.
You really think you can write
your wee out of this?
Hey, witch me, baby, just witch me.
RIMMER: He controls the world.
He can do anything he wants.
I could, if I wanted to, do this.
(VOCALISING)
Lister, stop. That's an order.
(VOCALISING)
(GROANS)
This is brilliant.
What's he doing?
You've git to hop me stoop him, sir.
Hop me stoop him.
(LAUGHS)
(GRUNTS)
(LAUGHS) Ow.
(GRUNTS)
This is absolutely awesome.
All right, next step. Happy ending.
Back off, sir.
There's no way we can get to him.
Whoa! I didn't type that, or that.
Hey, I'm not typing this, guys,
what's happened?
Maybe it's not the typewriter
that's controlling our world.
Maybe it's something else.
What is it with these damn things?
why do I keep making them?
-Useless.
-What actually is it, sir?
There's something inside. Blow.
It looks like a squid.
why would I be making squids?
That something else
that controls the world,
how about it's
our combined subconscious?
Like the time we were ambushed by the
Despair Squid?
On that Ocean planet?
That thing that attacked us years ago.
whoa, whoa, hang on a minute.
Are you saying the creature in the
water tank, the one that inked us,
was another Despair Squid?
Because I don't feel despair,
I feel elation, joy.
I've felt great since I got here.
In here I'm somebody.
-It's made me want to live again.
- (SHUSHING) Footsteps. Do you hear them?
Kochanski. I can smell her perfume.
I can get her back again,
kids, everything I've ever wanted.
But in the real world, sir,
you'll be dying. This isn't real.
It'll feel real.
-Not in your heart.
-I've got no option, Krytie.