Stop whatever you're doing, bud!
We're having a crazy golf
championship in the medilab.
It's gonna be insane!
I don't think so!
You won't say that
when you see the course. It's amazing!
Best hole's the fourth,
on the autopsy table.
The bath-lift takes you up to the tee.
Out of bounds marked
by the commode cushions.
You have to land your drive
over the bunion plasters
in between
the two kidney donor dishes.
Then a straight shot into
the medical students' practice rectum.
Not now, man.
Can't you see I'm cooking?
Steak? What is it, pork?
I found a deep-freeze down on B Deck,
next to Kryten's quarters.
- Enough for me?
- Just one steak, one chop, one rib.
Great! Just enough!
- Catch you later.
- Hey!
I'm loving this pork!
Maybe needs a little more soy sauce.
Oww!
Lister, I've been meaning to say.
Books?
You've been reading again,
haven't you?
Listy, I've told you a million times -
don't read, it messes you up.
It's like giving a hamster,
who's only used to his little wheel,
the keys to an Aston Martin.
Crazy things are gonna happen.
It's part of my robotics course -
I've got to read it.
Makes you feel so inadequate.
You know Mozart was only five when
he wrote Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star?
I wasn't even toilet trained
when I was five.
You've barely mastered it now.
How did these people
get to be so great?
I mean, Shakespeare.
I don't understand anything he wrote,
but, man, what a dude!
Plays, poems...
and a whole bunch of expressions.
"A dish fit for a king" -
that was Shakespeare.
What a great expression!
Is it, though? Is it a great expression?
A dish fit for a king?
I say that all the time.
This is a dish fit for a king -
that's a great expression.
I love that expression. That Shakespeare,
you've gotta hand it to him.
He could really write a good expression.
Who couldn't have thought of that?
"In a pickle" - that was another
Shakespeare expression. In a pickle.
How brilliant is that?
You know what it means?
As confused as the mixed-up, stewed,
spicy vegetables in a pickle jar.
And how are we supposed to know
what the inside of a 16th-century
pickle jar looks like?
And how is that relevant
to our non-pickly lives
here in deep space today?
When will people learn?
Shakespeare, it's over!
The money that guy must have made out of
a few lousy expressions and a bad haircut.
Bad haircut?
Don't tell me
you haven't noticed his bad haircut?
But because he's had a few
hit expressions, he gets away with it.
What's wrong with his haircut?
He's got a skullet.
A skull what?
A bald mullet - a skullet.
Bald at the front, mullet at the back.
You wouldn't wanna go out in public
with this guy.
- Sirs, the most incredible news!
- Someone's died,
- and you've been left a new mop?
- Ohh!
Please, sir, give me some credit.
I'm not the one-dimensional
cleaning droid I once was.
I've evolved into something
far more complex and multi-layered
and, if I may say so, superior.
- Stain.
- Where?
- Smudge.
- Oh, where?!
- Smear.
- Oh!
- Speck.
- Oh, speck!
- BOTH: Smeg.
- Smeg!
The crates were in transit, sir.
- I opened the first one and found this.
- What is it?
It's a rejuvenation shower, sir.
It rewinds each individual's genome and
returns the body to any point in its past.
It can restore you to your physical prime.
Oh, man, how great is that?
I can go back to last Thursday!
- Ahh.
- What?
It's Swedish.
So?
It's a flat-pack - self-assembly.
We have to build it ourselves.
"With just an Allen key
and a Phillips screwdriver,
"assembly should take
less than three hours."
That's Swedish for a week.
It's not a million miles away, you know.
What about all these spare parts
we didn't use?
Alignment bracket.
What the hell's an alignment bracket?
Oh, look, we have taken this thing apart
and put it back together a hundred times.
It's aligned, all right?
In what area is it not aligned?
In no area.
It's good to go, it's aligned,
let's do it.
Who's gonna test it?
Mm, we need something
unimportant and meaningless.
Listy, you're up.
There might be something here.
Bits of black plastic,
bits of metal that don't look important.
Old battery.
What we really need is something organic,
something alive,
something teeming with life.
Oh, sir, what about your socks?
Stand back, everyone.
They're coming through.
OK, I'm rejuvenating the socks.
Oh! The beams.
We're getting covered in beamer light.
They're misaligned!
That's what those alignment brackets
were...for!
What's happened? Where are we?
Damn cheap, Swedish, flat-pack,
self-assembly rejuvenation showers!
Where the hell has it sent us?
I fear we may have time-travelled, sirs.
And I told you those white plastic
clippy things were important!
Trees! This may be Earth!
Earth! It's always Earth with you guys.
You see some trees, it's Earth.
Who's to say it isn't a planet entirely
populated by naked warrior Cat babes
who need me to make love to them all?
And what are the chances of that?
If you've never had a dream,
you've never had a dream come true.
- (BEEPING)
- Hmm.
We're in a land called Albion, sirs -
better known as Britain.
And the year is 23 AD.
23 AD. Weren't Britons
all nutters back then?
Running round sporting blue tattoos,
out their heads on booze,
fightin', vomitin' and passin' out?
A phase that doesn't end
any time soon, sir.
Maybe we can stay.
We've gotta get back to the Dwarf
and find Kochanski.
AR, no fear, sir.
I have the returner remote right here.
Oh. It doesn't appear to be functioning.
Does it need a battery, by any chance?
Eight volts, about yay big.
I'll tell you what.
We'll make a battery.
Out of what, trees and moss?
Out of potatoes. We did it at school.
A potato, a copper coin and an iron nail -
we can make a one-volt battery.
Make eight, connect them up, we've got
eight volts and can return home.
Britain in 23 AD, sir,
doesn't have any potatoes
and won't get them until the 16th century.
Lemons! The exact same battery
but with lemons.
Britain in 23 AD, sir,
doesn't have any lemons either.
They won't get those
until the 14th century.
He's getting closer.
So, where's our nearest lemon?
Best guess, sir, India.
India? How far's that?
4,000 miles, sir.
If we walk briskly,
we'll get there in six months.
BOTH: Six months?!
I can't wait.
Well, we've got no choice
if we want to get home.
Let's face it, sir.
We're in a real pickle.
Mr Lister, sir.
India is this way.
(HUBBUB)
Hey, it's a market.
Ha-ha! I lived in the land of Albion
for ten full cycles of the moon,
but I fled after my family were dragged
screaming from my home
to a mighty wicker tower,
where they were sacrificed to the three
gods, Toutatis, Esus and Taranis.
First they were garrotted to death,
then they were burnt to death,
then they were drowned to death.
Three deaths to appease the three gods.
Then the druids drank their blood
and ate their meat
and said the harvest would be bountiful.
Right. Have you got any lemons?
They're a fruit -
they've not been launched in Europe,
but I've heard they've been released here.
KRYTEN: Ah, lemons!
- Oh!
- Found them!
Citrus, citrus!
We come from Albion, through Gaul, across
half the Roman Empire, Persia, Parthia,
all for this very fruit.
This one here?
Is it famous?
No, not that one in particular.
We're in search of lemons in general.
We've walked 4,000 miles.
How many do you want?
Eight.
Eight?
You walked across half the known
world for eight lemons?
You're right, that's absolutely insane.
Make it ten.
- Have you got a bag?
- What's a bag?
Bags haven't been invented yet, sir.
In 23 AD, the rich
have satchels made of goat hide.
So what did everyone else do?
They drop things, sir.
Right, what next?
Apart from new feet.
We need copper for the positive electrode.
Copper? Where we gonna get copper?
Isn't Britain famous for its copper?
Ahh! No way!
I said we needed a shopping list!
- Didn't I say we need a list?
- Hang on!
Aren't copper coins made of copper?
He's right!
I think I read that somewhere.
Then we've got copper.
- Hee-hee!
- Next up, galvanised nails.
And a shave!
- Da-daa!
- Hey!
Finally got the sphalerite ore
from a Chinese merchant.
Three weeks for a few lousy nails?
Everything's so damn primitive here.
You have to remember, sir, that
many things have yet to be discovered.
In 23 AD, they still believed
the Earth was flat,
that Tourette's and epilepsy
were caused by demons,
and an oxen had a higher standing
in society than a woman.
(SCOFFS) Where did the oxen go wrong?!
They had it all
and just threw it all away.
Also, did you know that the colour purple
is a luxury item?
It's made from crushed seashells,
and only the very rich can afford it.
Colour purple?
What's wrong with just mixing
red stuff with blue stuff?
- They haven't discovered that yet, sir.
- Really?
- Jesus!
Yes?
What?
I'm sorry?
I'm just... talking to my mates here.
- Oh. My apologies.
- No worries.
No way!
- It can't be, can it?
- Don't look!
Don't stare!
23 AD - this is when
he was supposed to be alive.
So how old would he be?
Well, let's work it out, shall we?
In 23 AD, he'd be...
.23,
That's how old that guy looks.
What's he doing in India?
Shouldn't he be in Nazareth
or somewhere, making tables?
Maybe he's on his gap year.
Well, according to the Bible, sirs,
there was no sight of him from when
he was a young child to when he was 30.
Oh! So this is like Club 18-30,
the holy version?
The missing years -
I've heard about this.
He toured the world,
perfecting his teachings.
I'm gonna get his autograph.
No way!
Ebay - it'll be worth a fortune.
You don't even believe in him!
Look, this is
a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
All I'm gonna say is, "Sorry to be a
bore, I bet you get this all the time,
"but you're him off the Bible,
aren't you?"
What's wrong with that?
Ah, Rimmer, please, don't say that.
Look, it'll be fine.
We'll get talking, I'll tell him
my middle name's Judas.
One thing could lead to another,
we could wind up big buds.
Why is your middle name Judas?
Judas embodied all the traits
my mum wanted me to have.
Your mum wanted you to be a two-faced,
double-crossing, conniving snitch?
She must've been very proud of you.
She was a member of the Church of Judas.
They believed that Jesus asked Judas
to swap places with him,
so Judas was crucified, and Jesus was able
to show up the following Monday and say,
"I'm back, baby! I'm back!"
And nobody noticed?
OK...
Judas's full name was
James Judas Didymus.
James means "twin",
Didymus means "twin".
Judas was Jesus's twin bro.
Jesus had a twin bro?!
According to the Church of Judas.
So Judas sacrificed himself.
And his reputation,
and became someone who was sneered at
and reviled throughout history.
Just like you!
Your mum was really smart!
So what happened to Jesus afterwards?
He went to the South of France
with Mary Magdalene,
had a family and invented the wheelbarrow.
Here goes!
Rimmer, sit down!
Please, sit! Sit down!
Brothers, brothers, I... fear
thou are impatient for thine food.
Please...join me.
We are all travellers.
Share with me.
Wow!
What an honour!
Incidentally, we know who you are.
Recognised the sandals.
Um, I'm Rimmer.
Um, you can call me Arn or Big Man.
Um...talking of big...
big, big fan of yours.
Big, big fan.
Would the...gladiator
like to...join us too?
I'd be most honoured, sir.
Although I am not a gladiator.
I am a man of peace.
Oh!
- Then thou shall sit next to me.
- Oh!
Ah!
Ah-ha-ha!
Look at all this food!
A dish fit for a king!
You are all from the land of Albion,
I think.
I have visited Albion.
I walked across the River of Mersey.
All those old prams, it's not hard, is it?
There was a bridge.
Oh, got you. I thought you meant...
Ah! Mine uncle.
When I was returning from
the men's room, I spied two soldiers.
Jesus...
they're on to us.
- Problem?
- Mine enemies are many.
I will slow their path. Take him from this
place and protect him, I beseech thee.
You shall not pass
while there's a breath left in my body.
For the love I have for my Lord
is like a sea without a shore,
like a sky without a...
I wasn't ready!
I was still speeching!
The only escape from our enemies
is to turn and love them.
Or run. Running's good too.
LISTER: Down there!
Look, this door isn't gonna hold for long.
I must face them, forgive them
and teach them the gift of love.
And in return, they'll saw off your limbs
and stack 'em in a small pile!
(GRUNTS)
RIMMER: What do we do?
We need to build the lemon battery,
get back to Red Dwarf and go from there.
What, take JC with us?
Well, we can't leave him here, sir.
No. Leave me.
I must face thine enemies alone.
I have no fear of death.
Stick with me, kid - you'll soon change.
Ooh!
- Are you OK?
- I have pain, but it-it-it will pass.
- (BOTH GRUNT)
- No time to waste, Kryten.
Start wiring the lemons!
We need wire. I'll use my finger.
The gladiator removes his finger?!
It's as if I've smoked some bark
from an acacia tree.
Bad bark. Well bad bark.
It's... Just relax.
We're just making a battery.
It stores energy, sir.
Electromagnetic interactions
between subatomic particles.
Or, to simplify, the copper coin,
which is a ductile metal
with high thermal
and electrical conductivity,
serves as the positive electrode,
and the galvanised nail is the
electron-producing negative electrode.
The zinc is oxidised and produces
an electrochemical reaction,
which generates an electrical charge,
all from the lemon.
- Interesting. I-I have but one question.
- Oh, fire away, sir.
What's a lemon?
Enjoy the moment.
You're no longer the dumb one.
Thanks, bud!
The door's going.
- Quick, group together.
- LISTER: Tight circle!
Let's go!
Lemons truly are an amazing fruit!
Man, am I glad to be back.
At last I can get
a change of underwear.
These suckers are riding so high,
they'd show up on X-rays.
Suggest we clean up
and then return to 23 AD.
In the meantime,
I'll have a tinker with the rejuve shower.
JESUS: It is totally amazing.
- What are you showing him, the TV?
- No.
A bag.
You can store any object
into its strange cloth walls
and then carry these objects any...
I'm dizzied by its genius!
Look! Look at the things than I can...
Ooh. Oooh!
What?
Ah. The demon returns.
Demon? What demon?!
The one that lurks within me is reawoken.
Lister, have you given Jesus a vindaloo?
Course not.
We had a jalfrezi.
Where does it hurt, sir?
My back.
And when did it start?
14 nights ago.
It...it sleeps, it-it wakes.
Excuse me.
Well, we'll need an X-ray to confirm,
but I think he's got a kidney stone.
We may need to operate.
Is it life-threatening?
Depends who's operating.
14 days.
Sounds like the stone's too big to pass.
His kidney could shrivel and die,
and complications could set in.
We get him down the medilab, we fix him
up, we beam him back to AD 23 -
what's the problem?
We can't trust the medicomputer, sir.
Remember what happened when you went
for a mumps and rubella injection?
Yeah, I asked for a rube jab,
woke up with a boob job.
- Still not right up here.
- So, we're gonna have to do it.
But we're not qualified.
I'm perfectly qualified, sir.
After all, I've been operating
on Mr Lister for years.
You what?!
Well, not trusting the medicomputer,
sir, what choice do I have?
What kind of operations?
It's all above board, sir.
I asked Mr Rimmer for permission.
Well, sir, you remember that stomach pain
you had a few months ago.
- Yeah.
- You remember
- the searing agony you were in?
- Yeah.
And remember how that
just sort of stopped?
Yeah.
Well, that's because I performed
a splenectomy on you, sir.
A what?!
I removed your spleen.
My spleen? You removed my spleen?!
Well, where is it? I might need that.
It's with the rest of your organs...
in the freezer.
Next to my quarters. On B Deck.
Excuse me.
So, this operation -
what does it involve?
Well, we need to insert a laser
and a ureteroscope up his urethra,
locate the stone and haul it out.
Kryten, the only urethra
I know is Urethra Franklin.
In English.
Here's a hint.
It's the last place any man
wants anyone inserting anything.
You what?
You're stuffing stuff
up his Schneiberhauser?
D'you know who
we're dealing with here?
But, sir,
it's a perfectly standard operation.
Yeah, that's cos you're not a member
of the Schneiberhauser club.
But me, as self-appointed president of
the Schneiberhauser Owners' Society,
let me tell you,
that is not a standard operation!
Well, perhaps we should inform him
of what we intend to do.
I think he might notice, don't you?
Well, what's the plan?
I keep him talking over dinner
while you disappear under the table?
Best bet for a smooth operation -
he's out cold.
- (LISTER SIGHS)
- I thought we'd run out of anaesthetic.
Who needs anaesthetic?
Just tell him what you're gonna do,
he'll faint on the spot!
Mr Lister, sir, could you hold this?
I'm not holding it. I barely know him.
Well, someone's gotta hold it
while I insert the camera.
Don't look at me.
I'm done throwing up for today.
Well, then, you'll have to do it, sir.
I-I don't wanna be a holder.
Why can't I be a shover?
You're not qualified to be a shover, sir.
I'll hold it.
It'll be an absolute privilege to hold it.
- You what?
- Pass the barbecue tongs.
This is the high point
of my entire career.
Well, we should let him rest, sirs.
He'll be raring to go in the morning.
Your kindness is boundless.
Need anything doing, just holler.
There's some books on the table if you
get bored, computer games, feel free.
Just the bag.
Mr Jesus, sir, good morning!
Mr Jesus?
Oh!
He hath risen! Ha!
Ooh!
Oh.
(BEEPING)
Oh, goodness.
Well, who was the idiot
who let him read a history book?
Look, I didn't think.
Didn't it occur to you
that him reading about
how many wars Christianity's caused
might mess him up a bit?
So where is he now?
Well, according to the note,
he's gone back to 23 AD
so he can trash his reputation
so "this Christianity thingeth
never taketh offeth-eth-eth-eth".
What, no Christianity?
What about Christmas?
We've killed Wallace & Gromit!
Trash his reputation?
How can he do that?
Well, breaking the Ten Commandments
might be a pretty good place to start.
So wait a minute.
He's gone back to 23 AD, and we can't go
and get him cos he's taken the remote?
We do have a spare, sir.
Erin, Erin, Erin!
- Jesus, my boy! Come, come...
- I'm looking for my uncle.
- Hast thou seen him?
- No.
If thou seest him, tell him...
that I will be in the tavern,
drinking wine in great plenty
until my legs do the dance
of a newly born camel.
And then my mind
will turn to dark, vile thoughts,
and I'll start coveting
my neighbour's oxen!
That's breaking
the Tenth Commandment, that is.
Oooh! And if there's time,
I might even covet his donkey.
And when I've finished coveting things,
I might make a small statue out of wood
and-and-and idolise it a bit.
You'd better watch yourself.
God is a jealous god.
You do that, and he won't just get you,
you know.
According to the Second Commandment,
he'll wipe out all your descendants.
Isn't that breaking
the Sixth Commandment?
Thou shalt not kill?
It's not killing. It's genocide.
I think that's OK.
So...doesn't God break
the Tenth Commandment,
wishing people worshipped him
when they worship someone else?
I mean, isn't that coveting the followers
of your neighbour's god?
Don't you try and trip God up.
Look, he wrote those commandments
in a rush.
He didn't have time to get them proofread.
It's strange, but these Ten Commandments
seem to ignore the rights
- of women and children...
- Shhh!
...but are big on protecting the rights
of oxen-, slave- and donkey-owners.
- Keep it down!
- I mean, it's almost as if
a man made up these commandments
to keep a primitive people in check.
There he is! Get him.
Ooh!
Jesus! Stop him!
Stop that man! Jesus!
You wanna fight, then, doth thou?
- No.
- Well, put 'em up, then.
Let's see what you've got.
Don't...don't think
that just because I'm a man of peace,
I can't punch your teeth out.
I'm not fighting you, Jesus.
It'd be like punching Gandhi.
No, no. No, mind my hair!
You...you're messing with my hair!
Look, don't do this.
Why not?
Look, so some stupid people
did some stupid things in your name.
It's not your fault.
You make a lot of people happy.
I mean, look at me.
I presumed that, throughout history,
all famous people were amazing.
And then I met you...
and I realised they're not.
In fact, you're a bit of a knob.
Just like me.
Which means that I'm OK.
Yeah, I don't wanna be me.
I don't wanna walk down the street
and have people say,
"Oh, look, there's the Jesus of Caesarea,
the guy who caused all the wars."
Jesus of Caesarea?
You mean Jesus of Nazareth.
Jesus of Caesarea.
Son of Rachel the fornicator,
Samuel the chicken-stealer.
Samuel the chicken-stealer?
He stole them, not me.
Take it up with him.
I'm always having to leg it
because of him.
Um, is Jesus quite a popular name
around here?
Yeah, there's a few of us.
There's Jesus,
son of John, with a funny nose.
Jesus, son of Luke.
He, er, wraps plant leaves
around the feet of horses.
About 70 of us at the last census.
Does this mean I'm not the son of God?
Oh, bugger!
Count your blessings!
- It's not been all bad.
- And how's that?
You've had a little trip to the future.
Take what you've learned
and do something with it.
Get your bags, genuine JC bags, people!
Come on. Get your bag.
One bowl of goat curry,
then we're out of here.
Hey, check this.
- I bid thee good day.
- Hast thou booked?
Jesus, table for two.
My brother booked.
It may be in his name.
And his name, sir?
Judas.
Here it is.
LISTER: Rimmer...
BOTH: Sit down!
# It's cold outside
There's no kind of atmosphere
# I'm all alone, more or less
# Let me fly far away from here
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# I want to lie
Shipwrecked and comatose
# Drinking fresh mango juice
# Goldfish shoals nibbling on my toes
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun. #
(EXPLOSION)
