Smega-Drive
by Ganymede & Titan
Series X - Lemons - All scenes
Stop whatever you're doing, bud!
We're having a crazy golf
championship in the medilab.
It's gonna be insane!
I don't think so!
You won't say that
when you see the course. It's amazing!
Best hole's the fourth,
on the autopsy table.
The bath-lift takes you up to the tee.
Out of bounds marked
by the commode cushions.
You have to land your drive
over the bunion plasters
in between
the two kidney donor dishes.
Then a straight shot into
the medical students' practice rectum.
Not now, man.
Can't you see I'm cooking?
Steak? What is it, pork?
I found a deep-freeze down on B Deck,
next to Kryten's quarters.
- Enough for me?
- Just one steak, one chop, one rib.
Great! Just enough!
- Catch you later.
- Hey!
I'm loving this pork!
Maybe needs a little more soy sauce.
Oww!
Lister, I've been meaning to say.
Books?
You've been reading again,
haven't you?
Listy, I've told you a million times -
don't read, it messes you up.
It's like giving a hamster,
who's only used to his little wheel,
the keys to an Aston Martin.
Crazy things are gonna happen.
It's part of my robotics course -
I've got to read it.
Makes you feel so inadequate.
You know Mozart was only five when
he wrote Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star?
I wasn't even toilet trained
when I was five.
You've barely mastered it now.
How did these people
get to be so great?
I mean, Shakespeare.
I don't understand anything he wrote,
but, man, what a dude!
Plays, poems...
and a whole bunch of expressions.
"A dish fit for a king" -
that was Shakespeare.
What a great expression!
Is it, though? Is it a great expression?
A dish fit for a king?
I say that all the time.
This is a dish fit for a king -
that's a great expression.
I love that expression. That Shakespeare,
you've gotta hand it to him.
He could really write a good expression.
Who couldn't have thought of that?
"In a pickle" - that was another
Shakespeare expression. In a pickle.
How brilliant is that?
You know what it means?
As confused as the mixed-up, stewed,
spicy vegetables in a pickle jar.
And how are we supposed to know
what the inside of a 16th-century
pickle jar looks like?
And how is that relevant
to our non-pickly lives
here in deep space today?
When will people learn?
Shakespeare, it's over!
The money that guy must have made out of
a few lousy expressions and a bad haircut.
Bad haircut?
Don't tell me
you haven't noticed his bad haircut?
But because he's had a few
hit expressions, he gets away with it.
What's wrong with his haircut?
He's got a skullet.
A skull what?
A bald mullet - a skullet.
Bald at the front, mullet at the back.
You wouldn't wanna go out in public
with this guy.
- Sirs, the most incredible news!
- Someone's died,
- and you've been left a new mop?
- Ohh!
Please, sir, give me some credit.
I'm not the one-dimensional
cleaning droid I once was.
I've evolved into something
far more complex and multi-layered
and, if I may say so, superior.
- Stain.
- Where?
- Smudge.
- Oh, where?!
- Smear.
- Oh!
- Speck.
- Oh, speck!
- BOTH: Smeg.
- Smeg!
The crates were in transit, sir.
- I opened the first one and found this.
- What is it?
It's a rejuvenation shower, sir.
It rewinds each individual's genome and
returns the body to any point in its past.
It can restore you to your physical prime.
Oh, man, how great is that?
I can go back to last Thursday!
- Ahh.
- What?
It's Swedish.
So?
It's a flat-pack - self-assembly.
We have to build it ourselves.
"With just an Allen key
and a Phillips screwdriver,
"assembly should take
less than three hours."
That's Swedish for a week.
It's not a million miles away, you know.
What about all these spare parts
we didn't use?
Alignment bracket.
What the hell's an alignment bracket?
Oh, look, we have taken this thing apart
and put it back together a hundred times.
It's aligned, all right?
In what area is it not aligned?
In no area.
It's good to go, it's aligned,
let's do it.
Who's gonna test it?
Mm, we need something
unimportant and meaningless.
Listy, you're up.
There might be something here.
Bits of black plastic,
bits of metal that don't look important.
Old battery.
What we really need is something organic,
something alive,
something teeming with life.
Oh, sir, what about your socks?
Stand back, everyone.
They're coming through.
OK, I'm rejuvenating the socks.
Oh! The beams.
We're getting covered in beamer light.
They're misaligned!
That's what those alignment brackets
were...for!
What's happened? Where are we?
Damn cheap, Swedish, flat-pack,
self-assembly rejuvenation showers!
Where the hell has it sent us?
I fear we may have time-travelled, sirs.
And I told you those white plastic
clippy things were important!
Trees! This may be Earth!
Earth! It's always Earth with you guys.
You see some trees, it's Earth.
Who's to say it isn't a planet entirely
populated by naked warrior Cat babes
who need me to make love to them all?
And what are the chances of that?
If you've never had a dream,
you've never had a dream come true.
- (BEEPING)
- Hmm.
We're in a land called Albion, sirs -
better known as Britain.
And the year is 23 AD.
23 AD. Weren't Britons
all nutters back then?
Running round sporting blue tattoos,
out their heads on booze,
fightin', vomitin' and passin' out?
A phase that doesn't end
any time soon, sir.
Maybe we can stay.
We've gotta get back to the Dwarf
and find Kochanski.
AR, no fear, sir.
I have the returner remote right here.
Oh. It doesn't appear to be functioning.
Does it need a battery, by any chance?
Eight volts, about yay big.
I'll tell you what.
We'll make a battery.
Out of what, trees and moss?
Out of potatoes. We did it at school.
A potato, a copper coin and an iron nail -
we can make a one-volt battery.
Make eight, connect them up, we've got
eight volts and can return home.
Britain in 23 AD, sir,
doesn't have any potatoes
and won't get them until the 16th century.
Lemons! The exact same battery
but with lemons.
Britain in 23 AD, sir,
doesn't have any lemons either.
They won't get those
until the 14th century.
He's getting closer.
So, where's our nearest lemon?
Best guess, sir, India.
India? How far's that?
4,000 miles, sir.
If we walk briskly,
we'll get there in six months.
BOTH: Six months?!
I can't wait.
Well, we've got no choice
if we want to get home.
Let's face it, sir.
We're in a real pickle.
Mr Lister, sir.
India is this way.
(HUBBUB)
Hey, it's a market.
Ha-ha! I lived in the land of Albion
for ten full cycles of the moon,
but I fled after my family were dragged
screaming from my home
to a mighty wicker tower,
where they were sacrificed to the three
gods, Toutatis, Esus and Taranis.
First they were garrotted to death,
then they were burnt to death,
then they were drowned to death.
Three deaths to appease the three gods.
Then the druids drank their blood
and ate their meat
and said the harvest would be bountiful.
Right. Have you got any lemons?
They're a fruit -
they've not been launched in Europe,
but I've heard they've been released here.
KRYTEN: Ah, lemons!
- Oh!
- Found them!
Citrus, citrus!
We come from Albion, through Gaul, across
half the Roman Empire, Persia, Parthia,
all for this very fruit.
This one here?
Is it famous?
No, not that one in particular.
We're in search of lemons in general.
We've walked 4,000 miles.
How many do you want?
Eight.
Eight?
You walked across half the known
world for eight lemons?
You're right, that's absolutely insane.
Make it ten.
- Have you got a bag?
- What's a bag?
Bags haven't been invented yet, sir.
In 23 AD, the rich
have satchels made of goat hide.
So what did everyone else do?
They drop things, sir.
Right, what next?
Apart from new feet.
We need copper for the positive electrode.
Copper? Where we gonna get copper?
Isn't Britain famous for its copper?
Ahh! No way!
I said we needed a shopping list!
- Didn't I say we need a list?
- Hang on!
Aren't copper coins made of copper?
He's right!
I think I read that somewhere.
Then we've got copper.
- Hee-hee!
- Next up, galvanised nails.
And a shave!
- Da-daa!
- Hey!
Finally got the sphalerite ore
from a Chinese merchant.
Three weeks for a few lousy nails?
Everything's so damn primitive here.
You have to remember, sir, that
many things have yet to be discovered.
In 23 AD, they still believed
the Earth was flat,
that Tourette's and epilepsy
were caused by demons,
and an oxen had a higher standing
in society than a woman.
(SCOFFS) Where did the oxen go wrong?!
They had it all
and just threw it all away.
Also, did you know that the colour purple
is a luxury item?
It's made from crushed seashells,
and only the very rich can afford it.
Colour purple?
What's wrong with just mixing
red stuff with blue stuff?
- They haven't discovered that yet, sir.
- Really?
- Jesus!
Yes?
What?
I'm sorry?
I'm just... talking to my mates here.
- Oh. My apologies.
- No worries.
No way!
- It can't be, can it?
- Don't look!
Don't stare!
23 AD - this is when
he was supposed to be alive.
So how old would he be?
Well, let's work it out, shall we?
In 23 AD, he'd be...
.23,
That's how old that guy looks.
What's he doing in India?
Shouldn't he be in Nazareth
or somewhere, making tables?
Maybe he's on his gap year.
Well, according to the Bible, sirs,
there was no sight of him from when
he was a young child to when he was 30.
Oh! So this is like Club 18-30,
the holy version?
The missing years -
I've heard about this.
He toured the world,
perfecting his teachings.
I'm gonna get his autograph.
No way!
Ebay - it'll be worth a fortune.
You don't even believe in him!
Look, this is
a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
All I'm gonna say is, "Sorry to be a
bore, I bet you get this all the time,
"but you're him off the Bible,
aren't you?"
What's wrong with that?
Ah, Rimmer, please, don't say that.
Look, it'll be fine.
We'll get talking, I'll tell him
my middle name's Judas.
One thing could lead to another,
we could wind up big buds.
Why is your middle name Judas?
Judas embodied all the traits
my mum wanted me to have.
Your mum wanted you to be a two-faced,
double-crossing, conniving snitch?
She must've been very proud of you.
She was a member of the Church of Judas.
They believed that Jesus asked Judas
to swap places with him,
so Judas was crucified, and Jesus was able
to show up the following Monday and say,
"I'm back, baby! I'm back!"
And nobody noticed?
OK...
Judas's full name was
James Judas Didymus.
James means "twin",
Didymus means "twin".
Judas was Jesus's twin bro.
Jesus had a twin bro?!
According to the Church of Judas.
So Judas sacrificed himself.
And his reputation,
and became someone who was sneered at
and reviled throughout history.
Just like you!
Your mum was really smart!
So what happened to Jesus afterwards?
He went to the South of France
with Mary Magdalene,
had a family and invented the wheelbarrow.
Here goes!
Rimmer, sit down!
Please, sit! Sit down!
Brothers, brothers, I... fear
thou are impatient for thine food.
Please...join me.
We are all travellers.
Share with me.
Wow!
What an honour!
Incidentally, we know who you are.
Recognised the sandals.
Um, I'm Rimmer.
Um, you can call me Arn or Big Man.
Um...talking of big...
big, big fan of yours.
Big, big fan.
Would the...gladiator
like to...join us too?
I'd be most honoured, sir.
Although I am not a gladiator.
I am a man of peace.
Oh!
- Then thou shall sit next to me.
- Oh!
Ah!
Ah-ha-ha!
Look at all this food!
A dish fit for a king!
You are all from the land of Albion,
I think.
I have visited Albion.
I walked across the River of Mersey.
All those old prams, it's not hard, is it?
There was a bridge.
Oh, got you. I thought you meant...
Ah! Mine uncle.
When I was returning from
the men's room, I spied two soldiers.
Jesus...
they're on to us.
- Problem?
- Mine enemies are many.
I will slow their path. Take him from this
place and protect him, I beseech thee.
You shall not pass
while there's a breath left in my body.
For the love I have for my Lord
is like a sea without a shore,
like a sky without a...
I wasn't ready!