Kryten, it's me. Are you there?
KRYTEN: Er, yes, sir, I'm here, sir,
reading you. Over.
There's something on Little Monitor 2.
Weird shape. Really massive. What is it?
It's your kebab, sir, as requested. Over.
What, this is a kebab?!
Wow! It's absolutely massive!
It's a monster!
A large chicken doner combo, salad,
chilli sauce, everything. Over.
All right, I'm going in!
Good luck, sir!
(ALARM BLARES)
(CRACKLING FADES)
(SIGHS)
- (BLEEPING)
- What?!
No way!
What's that smell?
Has there been a fire in here?
Just a small one.
I put it out with my beer.
For goodness' sake, Lister,
that's terrible!
Don't panic! I've got another one.
You can't eat in the drive room.
No foods or liquids
around the work stations.
Health and Safety Protocol 121.
Who cares about health and safety,
Rimmer?
We're getting life signs from this moon,
200 clicks east. I'm gonna check it out!
Lister, we have health and safety
protocols for a reason -
to safeguard the crew.
What crew?
The original crew?
They all got wiped out, remember?
- Exactly.
- By you!
Exactly.
When you didn't fix
that drive plate properly,
and that radiation leak
fried them to a crisp.
Exactly.
Which is why the whole health and safety
protocol procedure has been updated.
Because, ultimately, who was truly
to blame for that accident?
The man... or the system?
The man.
Was it the man, though?
It was, yes.
Or was it the system?
It was the man, definitely the man.
Or was it the system?
The man.
A system that allowed a technician
to repair a drive plate
without adequate training or know-how.
A system that has since been completely
overhauled by yours truly,
so that an accident of that nature
never happens again.
So what you're saying is,
you learned valuable safety lessons from
wiping out the crew and, as a result,
you've updated the safety regulations,
making this ship a much safer
working environment
for the crew you wiped out.
Scoff away, Lister, but the point is
we have new regulations,
which means that
you're going to have to fill in
an accident report form for that fire.
- A what?!
- And once it's completed,
you'll have to submit it
to the Accident Report Assessment Unit,
care of the Health and Safety Executive.
And who the smeg would that be?
Me.
There are the forms.
I am not filling out any smegging forms,
Rimmer!
I'm going to check this moon.
Ignore that, and someone
could get seriously hurt.
Yeah - you, if you keep talking!
Hang on a minute! It's 20 pages!
I'll send you on the other sections later.
(GLASSES CLINK)
You're up late, sir.
Been hunting.
Trying to swat this damn space weevil.
Little sucker keeps outsmarting me!
Well, they do have an IQ of 2, sir.
One minute it's there, next minute
it's gone. It's driving me crazy!
- What's happening with you?
- Well, I've been running some tests
on the crystals I extracted
from the quantum rod, sir.
A by-product of the rod's ability
to transport its host vessel
seems to be a curious power
of synchronicity.
That's strange. Before, I was napping,
and I had a dream you were
doing something crazy with crystals.
BOTH: What a weird coincidence.
BOTH: Hey! We both said that
at the same time!
BOTH: And that!
BOTH: What's going on?!
BOTH: Why are we saying
everything together?!
BOTH: Probably just coincidence.
I think that's fixed it, sir.
You think that tube thing
made us speak at the same time?
I doubt it, sir.
BOTH: Probably just coincidence.
What the hell's going on?!
Well, it seems the crystals,
temporarily at least,
have invigorated our psi,
making us more prone to coincidence.
There was a fascinating book
on the subject
by a scientist called Arthur Koestler
which was called The Roots Of Coincidence.
Here it is!
How weird is that?!
According to Koestler,
coincidence is more likely to happen
to people in states of heightened emotion,
as emotions lower consciousness while
increasing the power of the unconscious.
So, every time we're together
and emotional,
we're likely to experience
this coincidence stuff?
Only temporarily, sir.
BOTH: Space weevil!
Mr Lister, some rather intriguing
developments on the, er...
Oh.
Mr Lister?
Well...
Kryten!
Open the door!
I've left my key!
Open the door!
Let me in!
Sir, what on earth
were you doing outside?!
Trying to get in! Wasn't it obvious?
We've had a life sign confirmation
from one of the scouters.
I took Starbug to check it out.
That's the second moon with life signs
we've passed in the last decade!
I had no idea this region of space
was so lively.
Yeah, it's mental round here, Kryten,
you never get a moment's peace(!)
Anyway, they're called BEGGs,
Biologically Engineered Garbage Gobblers,
created on Earth to eat refuse.
They've got this digestive system
that can cope with scoffing sediment,
sludge and slop,
permanently inebriated, with
breath that could sandblast buildings.
I'm so pleased for you, sir.
At last you've got the opportunity
to make new friends.
I wanted to see if they'd help
in finding Kochanski.
Did they, sir?
Nah, they've not seen her.
Just spent the whole evening
drinking whisky and playing poker.
Anyway...
Incidentally, sir, why were you outside
with a jet-pack?
Let me finish.
- As I was saying...
- Sir, where is Starbug?
Let me finish! As I was saying,
we were sat round the...
Sir! You lost Starbug in a card game?!
You've spoilt the end now!
Don't look at me like that.
There is an up side.
Up side, how can there be an up side?
What's the up side?
I lost Rimmer too.
Pick him up Friday.
That's tomorrow! Oh, sir,
what on earth are we going to do?
I know. 24 hours - it's going to be worse
than being a kid on Christmas Eve.
Oh, all right, all right. I'll go back
tomorrow, get him back somehow.
Starbug too.
Speaking of Mr Rimmer,
he asked me to give you these
accident report forms for you to fill in.
Oh, cheers, Krytes.
Good night.
(WHIRRING)
Just drying the cutlery, sir,
using my heat outlet.
Kryten, where's Lister? Have you seen him?
I think he may be in the drive room, sir.
Has he had an opportunity
to talk to you yet, sir?
- Why?
- No reason, sir, I was just wondering.
Do you know if he's completed that sheaf
of health and safety forms yet?
I think he may need another set, sir.
You see, there was a slight accident
with the airlock,
and the papers were accidentally
sucked out into space, sir.
Another accident?
That means he's going to have to fill out
two sets of accident report forms.
I'll get the papers.
Well, it wasn't an accident per se, sir.
You mean he just flushed them out
into space?
Well, I wouldn't put it exactly like that,
Sir...
Were safety procedures followed?
Was an airlock accident
risk assessment form completed
before he opened the airlock?
That may have been overlooked, sir.
Well, that's another set of forms
he's going to have to fill in.
I don't know whether I've got enough.
(WHIRRING)
(SIGHS)
Flushing safety reports into space...
He's not going to get away with this.
There's got to be a solution to this.
I've just been speaking to Kryten,
and he told me what you did.
- Did he?
- I have to say, I'm disappointed,
but not the least bit surprised.
Right.
Well, you're taking it better
than I expected.
Expect people to let you down -
you'll never be disappointed.
Let me say right off that I'm truly sorry,
I really am.
- You're not sorry.
- Of course I'm sorry!
I've been up all night thinking about it.
I can't sleep!
Are you serious?
Of course I'm serious!
What I did was out of order, out of line.
Beyond the pale.
Wow.
And just let me say, I'll put everything
to rights first thing in the morning.
I promise.
Finally, after all these years
of battering my head against a wall,
trying to make you into a person
of calibre and stature,
who takes pride in the mundane and petty,
at last the penny's dropped.
Listy, I have to say,
I think you're finally become the vending
machine third technician of my dreams!
What's this?
The accident report forms.
I haven't got time to waste
twatting about with that!
What?!
I've got to dig myself out of this hole
I've got myself into.
Hole, what hole?
The gambling with BEGGs hole.
Gambling with BEGGs?
You've been gambling with BEGGs?!
Those garbage-munchers!
Lister, I've told you a million times -
you gamble with lowlifes,
there's only one loser.
In this case, there's two!
Who's the other one?
The guy about your height, your colouring,
who goes by the name of you.
Er, Mr Lister gambled you in a poker game,
Sir,
and I'm afraid to report, he lost you.
We're all deeply sorry, bud.
Apart from me and him and him.
Do you really think this is helping?
I'm not here to help!
Read my CV.
"Does not help. Does not clean.
Will have sex with anything."
You lost me in a poker game?!
Like I'm some kind of thing
to be lost in a poker game?!
I was trying to win Starbug back.
I didn't have anything else they wanted.
Right. Turn the engines up full power.
We'll outrun them.
Once they realise they can't catch us,
they'll give up.
- Ah, we can't outrun them.
- Why not?
(BLEEPING)
Wow! Cool pants, bud!
Oh, that's a groin exploder, sir.
It sure is!
That's going to drive the chicks nuts!
If I don't make good on my debt -
deliver Rimmer by midnight tomorrow -
then this thing
is going to propel my love spuds
to the far reaches of deep space.
So what? You never used them anyway!
Have you tried removing it, sir?
It's rigged to blow if I tamper with it.
There's a sign on the side - "E-R-R-A".
ERRA?
Must be something to do with
the manufacturer, but I can't trace them.
I have to say I'm taking no pleasure
from this.
No pleasure whatsoever.
No, wait.
In fact, that's completely wrong.
I'm taking immense pleasure from this.
It may not have occurred, sir, but if
the exploder detonates, killing Mr Lister,
then the ship will automatically shut down
your hologram projection unit.
If Mr Lister goes, you go with him.
You're both sort of... connected.
Like we are!
BOTH: What a coincidence!
A thought occurs, sir.
This technology is way beyond anything
the BEGGs could manufacture.
They have a low cunning but are
a primitive race of little sophistication.
Maybe that's our answer.
Weh fora bor kas ming! Ha-ha-ha!
He says, "Ah, so, you return
with my winnings! Ha-ha-ha!"
And in keeping with our agreement,
you deactivate the knacker attacker, yeah?
(LAUGHTER)
Buk afing?
Is that the hologram?
(WHIMPERS)
Yes, it is, but as you can see, he's old
and raddled and fit for nothing.
Skrom gella!
Fum, ollogun
Chalaga 'raddled' monblaga Drogoh.
Instead, I bring you this.
Ogah la kragumo, hjoon!
The fabled...
spoon of destiny.
He that hath the spoon
controls all things.
No object hath such power.
Umba la skrom dru
Yn-jalla yelo 'controls' trala lumo, droboh!
Heswa gzentu mo?
He says, if the spoon controls all things,
why are you trading it?
Um...
Well, we just don't... really... use it much
any more.
And, um...
It's a good question.
We prefer the ship of green
and a sexy light man
with the lady legs so long and luscious.
He speaks English!
Lobogo rogu bilen... er...
English boarding school' Bilang aroo.
What, he went
to an English boarding school?
Ah, no, sir, he ate someone
from an English boarding school.
He forced them to teach him English
and then he munched them whole.
If it pleases,
maybe we will play cards again.
Then perhaps you will win back
your hologram and your ship of green.
Or maybe you will lose.
And, if you do, we will take your droid!
And your scented, shiny friend too.
(LAUGHTER)
Look, we've got nothing to lose.
Let's play.
(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
KRYTEN AND CAT:
I have a bad feeling about this.
I've got this one, Krytes.
Sir, you're being set up again.
Don't you see?
They're not simple people,
they're every bit as smart as you or I!
Yeah, I was close the last time,
I just got a bit cocky!
You choked! You always choke!
You can't handle the pressure, bud.
If anyone's going to choke, they'll choke.
- BOTH: They'll choke?!
- Yeah, they're the chokers.
BOTH: They're not going to choke.
- (THEY COUGH)
- They're choking!
Don't choke! How do you get out of this?
Don't die!
How do you get out of the exploder?
