Kryten, it's me. Are you there?
KRYTEN: Er, yes, sir, I'm here, sir,
reading you. Over.
There's something on Little Monitor 2.
Weird shape. Really massive. What is it?
It's your kebab, sir, as requested. Over.
What, this is a kebab?!
Wow! It's absolutely massive!
It's a monster!
A large chicken doner combo, salad,
chilli sauce, everything. Over.
All right, I'm going in!
Good luck, sir!
(ALARM BLARES)
(CRACKLING FADES)
(SIGHS)
- (BLEEPING)
- What?!
No way!
What's that smell?
Has there been a fire in here?
Just a small one.
I put it out with my beer.
For goodness' sake, Lister,
that's terrible!
Don't panic! I've got another one.
You can't eat in the drive room.
No foods or liquids
around the work stations.
Health and Safety Protocol 121.
Who cares about health and safety,
Rimmer?
We're getting life signs from this moon,
200 clicks east. I'm gonna check it out!
Lister, we have health and safety
protocols for a reason -
to safeguard the crew.
What crew?
The original crew?
They all got wiped out, remember?
- Exactly.
- By you!
Exactly.
When you didn't fix
that drive plate properly,
and that radiation leak
fried them to a crisp.
Exactly.
Which is why the whole health and safety
protocol procedure has been updated.
Because, ultimately, who was truly
to blame for that accident?
The man... or the system?
The man.
Was it the man, though?
It was, yes.
Or was it the system?
It was the man, definitely the man.
Or was it the system?
The man.
A system that allowed a technician
to repair a drive plate
without adequate training or know-how.
A system that has since been completely
overhauled by yours truly,
so that an accident of that nature
never happens again.
So what you're saying is,
you learned valuable safety lessons from
wiping out the crew and, as a result,
you've updated the safety regulations,
making this ship a much safer
working environment
for the crew you wiped out.
Scoff away, Lister, but the point is
we have new regulations,
which means that
you're going to have to fill in
an accident report form for that fire.
- A what?!
- And once it's completed,
you'll have to submit it
to the Accident Report Assessment Unit,
care of the Health and Safety Executive.
And who the smeg would that be?
Me.
There are the forms.
I am not filling out any smegging forms,
Rimmer!
I'm going to check this moon.
Ignore that, and someone
could get seriously hurt.
Yeah - you, if you keep talking!
Hang on a minute! It's 20 pages!
I'll send you on the other sections later.
(GLASSES CLINK)
You're up late, sir.
Been hunting.
Trying to swat this damn space weevil.
Little sucker keeps outsmarting me!
Well, they do have an IQ of 2, sir.
One minute it's there, next minute
it's gone. It's driving me crazy!
- What's happening with you?
- Well, I've been running some tests
on the crystals I extracted
from the quantum rod, sir.
A by-product of the rod's ability
to transport its host vessel
seems to be a curious power
of synchronicity.
That's strange. Before, I was napping,
and I had a dream you were
doing something crazy with crystals.
BOTH: What a weird coincidence.
BOTH: Hey! We both said that
at the same time!
BOTH: And that!
BOTH: What's going on?!
BOTH: Why are we saying
everything together?!
BOTH: Probably just coincidence.
I think that's fixed it, sir.
You think that tube thing
made us speak at the same time?
I doubt it, sir.
BOTH: Probably just coincidence.
What the hell's going on?!
Well, it seems the crystals,
temporarily at least,
have invigorated our psi,
making us more prone to coincidence.
There was a fascinating book
on the subject
by a scientist called Arthur Koestler
which was called The Roots Of Coincidence.
Here it is!
How weird is that?!
According to Koestler,
coincidence is more likely to happen
to people in states of heightened emotion,
as emotions lower consciousness while
increasing the power of the unconscious.
So, every time we're together
and emotional,
we're likely to experience
this coincidence stuff?
Only temporarily, sir.
BOTH: Space weevil!
Mr Lister, some rather intriguing
developments on the, er...
Oh.
Mr Lister?
Well...
Kryten!
Open the door!
I've left my key!
Open the door!
Let me in!
Sir, what on earth
were you doing outside?!
Trying to get in! Wasn't it obvious?
We've had a life sign confirmation
from one of the scouters.
I took Starbug to check it out.
That's the second moon with life signs
we've passed in the last decade!
I had no idea this region of space
was so lively.
Yeah, it's mental round here, Kryten,
you never get a moment's peace(!)
Anyway, they're called BEGGs,
Biologically Engineered Garbage Gobblers,
created on Earth to eat refuse.
They've got this digestive system
that can cope with scoffing sediment,
sludge and slop,
permanently inebriated, with
breath that could sandblast buildings.
I'm so pleased for you, sir.
At last you've got the opportunity
to make new friends.
I wanted to see if they'd help
in finding Kochanski.
Did they, sir?
Nah, they've not seen her.
Just spent the whole evening
drinking whisky and playing poker.
Anyway...
Incidentally, sir, why were you outside
with a jet-pack?
Let me finish.
- As I was saying...
- Sir, where is Starbug?
Let me finish! As I was saying,
we were sat round the...
Sir! You lost Starbug in a card game?!
You've spoilt the end now!
Don't look at me like that.
There is an up side.
Up side, how can there be an up side?
What's the up side?
I lost Rimmer too.
Pick him up Friday.
That's tomorrow! Oh, sir,
what on earth are we going to do?
I know. 24 hours - it's going to be worse
than being a kid on Christmas Eve.
Oh, all right, all right. I'll go back
tomorrow, get him back somehow.
Starbug too.
Speaking of Mr Rimmer,
he asked me to give you these
accident report forms for you to fill in.
Oh, cheers, Krytes.
Good night.
(WHIRRING)
Just drying the cutlery, sir,
using my heat outlet.
Kryten, where's Lister? Have you seen him?
I think he may be in the drive room, sir.
Has he had an opportunity
to talk to you yet, sir?
- Why?
- No reason, sir, I was just wondering.
Do you know if he's completed that sheaf
of health and safety forms yet?
I think he may need another set, sir.
You see, there was a slight accident
with the airlock,
and the papers were accidentally
sucked out into space, sir.
Another accident?
That means he's going to have to fill out
two sets of accident report forms.
I'll get the papers.
Well, it wasn't an accident per se, sir.
You mean he just flushed them out
into space?
Well, I wouldn't put it exactly like that,
Sir...
Were safety procedures followed?
Was an airlock accident
risk assessment form completed
before he opened the airlock?
That may have been overlooked, sir.
Well, that's another set of forms
he's going to have to fill in.
I don't know whether I've got enough.
(WHIRRING)
(SIGHS)
Flushing safety reports into space...
He's not going to get away with this.
There's got to be a solution to this.
I've just been speaking to Kryten,
and he told me what you did.
- Did he?
- I have to say, I'm disappointed,
but not the least bit surprised.
Right.
Well, you're taking it better
than I expected.
Expect people to let you down -
you'll never be disappointed.
Let me say right off that I'm truly sorry,
I really am.
- You're not sorry.
- Of course I'm sorry!
I've been up all night thinking about it.
I can't sleep!
Are you serious?
Of course I'm serious!
What I did was out of order, out of line.
Beyond the pale.
Wow.
And just let me say, I'll put everything
to rights first thing in the morning.
I promise.
Finally, after all these years
of battering my head against a wall,
trying to make you into a person
of calibre and stature,
who takes pride in the mundane and petty,
at last the penny's dropped.
Listy, I have to say,
I think you're finally become the vending
machine third technician of my dreams!
What's this?
The accident report forms.
I haven't got time to waste
twatting about with that!
What?!
I've got to dig myself out of this hole
I've got myself into.
Hole, what hole?
The gambling with BEGGs hole.
Gambling with BEGGs?
You've been gambling with BEGGs?!
Those garbage-munchers!
Lister, I've told you a million times -
you gamble with lowlifes,
there's only one loser.
In this case, there's two!
Who's the other one?
The guy about your height, your colouring,
who goes by the name of you.
Er, Mr Lister gambled you in a poker game,
Sir,
and I'm afraid to report, he lost you.
We're all deeply sorry, bud.
Apart from me and him and him.
Do you really think this is helping?
I'm not here to help!
Read my CV.
"Does not help. Does not clean.
Will have sex with anything."
You lost me in a poker game?!
Like I'm some kind of thing
to be lost in a poker game?!
I was trying to win Starbug back.
I didn't have anything else they wanted.
Right. Turn the engines up full power.
We'll outrun them.
Once they realise they can't catch us,
they'll give up.
- Ah, we can't outrun them.
- Why not?
(BLEEPING)
Wow! Cool pants, bud!
Oh, that's a groin exploder, sir.
It sure is!
That's going to drive the chicks nuts!
If I don't make good on my debt -
deliver Rimmer by midnight tomorrow -
then this thing
is going to propel my love spuds
to the far reaches of deep space.
So what? You never used them anyway!
Have you tried removing it, sir?
It's rigged to blow if I tamper with it.
There's a sign on the side - "E-R-R-A".
ERRA?
Must be something to do with
the manufacturer, but I can't trace them.
I have to say I'm taking no pleasure
from this.
No pleasure whatsoever.
No, wait.
In fact, that's completely wrong.
I'm taking immense pleasure from this.
It may not have occurred, sir, but if
the exploder detonates, killing Mr Lister,
then the ship will automatically shut down
your hologrammatic projection unit.
If Mr Lister goes, you go with him.
You're both sort of... connected.
Like we are!
BOTH: What a coincidence!
A thought occurs, sir.
This technology is way beyond anything
the BEGGs could manufacture.
They have a low cunning but are
a primitive race of little sophistication.
Maybe that's our answer.
Weh fora bor kas ming! Ha-ha-ha!
He says, "Ah, so, you return
with my winnings! Ha-ha-ha!"
And in keeping with our agreement,
you deactivate the knacker attacker, yeah?
(LAUGHTER)
Buk afing?
Is that the hologram?
(WHIMPERS)
Yes, it is, but as you can see, he's old
and raddled and fit for nothing.
Skrom gella!
Fum, ollogun
Chalaga 'raddled' monblaga Drogoh.
Instead, I bring you this.
Ogah la kragumo, hjoon!
The fabled...
spoon of destiny.
He that hath the spoon
controls all things.
No object hath such power.
Umba la skrom dru
Yn-jalla yelo 'controls' trala lumo, droboh!
Heswa gzentu mo?
He says, if the spoon controls all things,
why are you trading it?
Um...
Well, we just don't... really... use it much
any more.
And, um...
It's a good question.
We prefer the ship of green
and a sexy light man
with the lady legs so long and luscious.
He speaks English!
Lobogo rogu bilen... er...
English boarding school' Bilang aroo.
What, he went
to an English boarding school?
Ah, no, sir, he ate someone
from an English boarding school.
He forced them to teach him English
and then he munched them whole.
If it pleases,
maybe we will play cards again.
Then perhaps you will win back
your hologram and your ship of green.
Or maybe you will lose.
And, if you do, we will take your droid!
And your scented, shiny friend too.
(LAUGHTER)
Look, we've got nothing to lose.
Let's play.
(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
KRYTEN AND CAT:
I have a bad feeling about this.
I've got this one, Krytes.
Sir, you're being set up again.
Don't you see?
They're not simple people,
they're every bit as smart as you or I!
Yeah, I was close the last time,
I just got a bit cocky!
You choked! You always choke!
You can't handle the pressure, bud.
If anyone's going to choke, they'll choke.
- BOTH: They'll choke?!
- Yeah, they're the chokers.
BOTH: They're not going to choke.
- (THEY COUGH)
- They're choking!
Don't choke! How do you get out of this?
Don't die!
How do you get out of the exploder?
(CHOKING)
What's he saying, Kryten?
He's speaking Choking To Death, sir.
It's very hard to translate
if you're not being strangled.
Don't die, don't die!
Argh!
Argh! The only guys that can help me get
out of this thing and now they're dead!
What am I going to do now?!
(WIND WHISTLES)
Let me get this right.
You guys have become...
quantum entangled somehow?
BOTH: Exactly.
So you killed them?
Oh, that event was always going to occur.
It's just, with our heightened emotions,
we were more aware of the synchronicity.
Who cares?! What am I going to do now?
Perhaps we can harness
our new-found powers to help, sir.
How?
Well, Koestler said intense emotional
states tend to drive coincidence.
So you're saying
we need to make you two emotional?
- Precisely.
- Getting me emotional?
That's going to be harder than you think.
Ever heard of the expression
"as cool as a Cat"?
We're pretty hard to fluster, buddy.
(SNIPPING)
Stage one achieved.
What do we do now?
RIMMER: Who turned that on?
He's in danger, isn't he?
Oh, darling. Can't we help him?
He's got to get to the station.
It's his only chance.
But there's so little time!
- Station?
- Maybe some space station.
It's up to him now.
His fate is...
written in the stars.
Maybe the stars
are something to do with this?
KRYTEN: It's that book again.
BOTH: I'm not even going to say it.
Look! Stars.
And numbers.
2-5-2-3-1-1.
BOTH: Those sound like space coordinates.
That's getting really annoying.
BOTH: That's what E-R-R-A is.
It's a space station!
Maybe the device was manufactured
on the space station
and ended up on this moon somehow!
Let's punch these numbers into the
Navicomp and see where it takes us.
CAT: So what is that place?
It's the Erroneous Reasoning
Research Academy, sir,
or ERRA, for short.
Erroneous reasoning? What's that?
Most of the great scientific breakthroughs
come when two theories
previously dismissed as wrong
are combined to make a right.
The DNA double helix
was discovered in this exact way.
What did they do here?
Well, they specialised in wrongness, sir.
wrongness?!
The staff were hand-picked
for their ability to be mistaken,
for their gifts in fallacious analysis
and defective reasoning.
You could've excelled here!
They were all outstandingly good
at being consistently incorrect.
There were a lot of referees, TV critics,
weathermen...
...who were then re-educated
in the sciences
to develop extraordinary new
erroneous theories
that would be combined together
to produce works of great genius.
Did it work?
No.
The whole idea turned out to be wrong.
The man behind the idea was so
depressed, he attempted suicide.
Naturally, he failed
and he went on to live into his 90s.
Look, we know the device
was manufactured here.
The key to getting out of this
has got to be here somewhere.
- (BLEEPING)
- Locking on to the mainframe.
Oh, interesting.
There appears to be some kind of life form
in stasis.
Maybe we can ask their advice!
Top floor.
I pressed top floor.
How come we're going down?
I'll press down.
(BLEEP)
CAT: Now we're going up!
Everything is wrong here!
I don't think you're right, Kryten.
I assure you I am, sir.
No. I like this place.
I'm very comfortable here.
The smell, the atmosphere.
It feels like...home.
(DING!)
The stasis booths are in there.
How the hell do we get in?
Pity none of us can walk through walls!
Oh, well, one of us can!
Mr Rimmer, if he switches
to soft light projection mode.
Then, once I'm in, change back
to hard light projection mode.
Highly likely there'll be a switch
to open the door from inside the vault.
Whatever. Can you just make it quick?
Cos this is getting hotter.
I'm getting baked potatoes!
It sounds like it's getting ready to blow.
Come on.
(BLEEP)
Can you read me, sir?
Switching you over now.
(BLEEPING)
RIMMER: Back to hard light, over.
See anything?
Eyes adjusting, walking along... Wait.
Stasis booths, banks of them.
Anything?
There's a light on in one of the booths.
Whatever it is, it's alive.
According to the read-outs, female,
aged 31.
Kochanski's female.
Kochanski's 31!
Is it Kochanski?
Whoever it is, they're brunette, 5 '5 ".
Kochanski's brunette. Kochanski's 5'5"!
Is it Kochanski?
Start pod deactivation sequence.
Getting ID info.
Give me two minutes. Going offline.
Oh, it won't be her.
It'll be someone else. It won't be her.
I know it's not her. Don't even think for
one second that I think that it's her,
because I know it isn't, I know it.
- Say it is...
- Do you think it might be?
Do you think it's got something
to do with this coincidence thing?
BOTH: Could be!
(WHIRRING)
- The door's opening!
- Here we go.
It's not Kochanski. It won't be Kochanski.
It won't be Kochanski.
Gentlemen. Meet Professor Edgington,
head of the ERRA Institute
and inventor of the groinal exploder.
Well, it's definitely not Kochanski.
She went for my groin.
Most fascinating. She was working on
a research programme into evolution,
attempting to evolve into the next species
of the evolutionary ladder.
Naturally, the professor,
as a gifted ERRA-pert,
got the experiment totally wrong.
So basically, she took an evolutionary
wrong turn and wound up a monkey?
She should've stopped
and asked directions!
Much as I'm enjoying this chitchat, it
ain't helping me get this ball-buster off.
I believe it is, sir.
This is the very machine Professor
Edgington carried out her operation with.
Now, if we can evolve her
back to her human form,
she may be able to help us.
I've studied the manual,
it seems quite straightforward.
I'm amazed she got it so wrong!
- Come on, let's go, switch it on.
- Turning on now, sir.
Pressing "undo" now.
Evolution mode...engaged.
(HOOTS)
Oh, smeg! She's human.
Oh, smeg!
She's naked.
She's also naked.
- Did anyone mention that yet?
- Is she naked?
Oh, yes! I didn't notice.
I'll go and get her a sheet immediately.
No rush, Kryten.
Remember Protocol 175 -
no running in the corridors.
Take your time.
Walk carefully.
Forget about the lift, Kryten,
take the stairs... one at a time.
He's just going to be a few minutes.
What are you doing, Lister?
Allow me to introduce you to the crew,
Professor Edgington.
Oh, please, call me Irene...
or Professor E.
This is Mr Rimmer.
Mr Rimmer!
I sense a special bond between us.
I've always been attracted
to the brave, silent types.
That's me, all right!
I probably won't speak again for hours,
as I'll be off silently doing something
very brave.
What a gorgeous bunk room.
It's utterly enchanting.
Enchanting?!
Oh!
- Who plays the trumpet?
- Trumpet?
It's a guitar case.
- Do any of you play?
- Yeah, I play.
I bet you're absolutely brilliant.
I thought she was supposed to be
wrong about everything, Kryten.
Moving on to the matter in hand...
Yeah, yeah, can you...help me
get out of this?
There it is.
It's a diagram.
Five symbols. We have to turn
them off in the correct order.
What happens if we choose the wrong ones?
Absolutely nothing.
It's all perfectly safe.
Oh, God...
Right, if you're going to explode,
it's not going to be in here.
Oh, Protocol 121 -
no exploding in the drive room, right(?)
Sir, perhaps best
if you stand in the corridor.
Don't mess this up.
I'm relying on you, Kryten.
Don't listen to a word she says.
Alpha, beta, gamma, delta, theta.
OK, ma'am, what's the first one
we turn off?
Beta.
Beta it is.
No...
alpha. No, beta.
Beta or alpha.
Or delta.
No, it's definitely delta.
Delta or gamma.
The only one Professor E
hasn't mentioned is theta.
First one - here it comes, sir - theta.
Next one - gamma.
Definitely gamma, trust me.
- Any other possibilities?
- No...
No, gamma.
It's definitely gamma.
Just gamma.
I'm certain it's gamma.
Or maybe beta or alpha.
Next one, sir, here we go - delta.
Next - alpha, beta or gamma?
Beta.
Or gamma.
Or beta.
Alpha!
(SIGHS)
Two more, sir, then we're there.
Two more?
My boots are full of my own leg dribble.
- Professor?
- Call me Irene...everyone does.
Next wire - gamma or beta, ma'am?
Beta, it's definitely beta.
I'm not going to change my mind this time.
- Beta.
- Beta.
- Beta.
- OK, gamma it is. Go for it.
BOTH: Wait a minute,
how about this for weird?
Her name's Irene
and her nickname is Professor E.
Put those names together
and you get Irene E.
Irony.
Wouldn't it be ironic
if a professor known for being wrong
finally got something right?
What do we do?
Go for it.
Go for beta. Go for what she said.
(SIGHS)
(THEY LAUGH)
Oh, Arnold, you're everything
I want in a man - kind, clever, selfless.
Don't forget amazing!
Can I ask you a question?
Do you think it would be wrong for us
to make love
on our very first evening together?
Hmm, let me think.
Well, Irene, on reflection,
and I've given this much thought,
I don't think it would.
In fact, I think it would be absolutely
fine, tickety-boo and peachy.
- (CLATTER)
- Hiya.
Come on.
- Don't touch the buttons!
- Don't touch the buttons!
- Don't...!
- (AIR HISSES)
Oh...
Have you got a pen?
# It's cold outside
There's no kind of atmosphere
# I'm all alone, more or less
# Let me fly far away from here
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# I want to lie
Shipwrecked and comatose
# Drinking fresh mango juice
# Goldfish shoals nibbling on my toes
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun. #
(EXPLOSION)
