Smega-Drive
by Ganymede & Titan
Series 1 - Me2 - All scenes
(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC)
This is an SOS distress call
from the mining ship Red Dwarf.
The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak.
The only survivors were Dave Lister,
who was in suspended animation during
the disaster and his pregnant cat,
who was safely sealed in the hold.
Revived three million years later,
Lister's only companions are
a life form who evolved from his cat
and Arnold Rimmer, a hologram simulation
of one of the dead crew.
We have enough food to last 30,000 years,
but we've only got one After Eight mint left,
and everyone's too polite to take it.
Let's see... "Astronavigation, Invisible Numbers
and Engineering Structure Made Simple".
That's Rimmer's.
Ah-ha! "The Pop-Up Kama Sutra:
Zero Gravity Edition." That's mine.
"Arnold J Rimmer - A Tribute."
what's this?
- It's a video of my death.
- You videoed your death?
- Holly did it for me.
- You're very strange, Rimmer.
What's so strange? You have
videos of weddings and births.
So, what do you do? Have a few people around, give them
a sherry and invite them to watch you snuff it?
Lister, my death is one of the most
important things that ever happened to me.
Just stick it in the trunk and shut up.
- Weird!
- What about these posters?
- Whoa! They're mine.
- But the Blu-Tack is mine.
You want to take the Blu-Tack?
It is mine. I did pay
for it, with my money.
There's one of your
old toenail clippings
under the bed. I'll
put that in too shall I?
Ahhh, Lister. This is the best decision I ever made.
No more you and your stupid annoying face.
- No more you and your stupid annoying habits.
- Me? What did I do?
You hummed.
Maliciously and persistently for two years.
Every time I sat down to do some revision...
(HUMS ANNOYINGLY)
Hang on a minute, Are you
trying to say you never became an
officer because your shared your
quarters with someone who hummed?
Obviously not just that, Lister. Everything!
Everything you ever did was
designed to hold me back and annoy me?
Like what?
Like using my mother's photograph
as an ashtray.
I didn't know! I thought
it was a souvenir from Titan Zoo.
Exchanging the symbols
on my revision timetable,
so instead of taking my
Engineering finals, I went swimming.
The symbols fell off!
I thought I put them back in the right place.
Swapping my toothpaste
for a tube of contraceptive jelly.
Come on! That was a joke.
Yes, Lister, the same kind of joke as
putting my name down on the waiting list
for experimental pile surgery.
It's not all one-way you know, Rimmer.
- You're hardly Mr Nice Guy, Mr Easy-To-Live-With?
- What are you talking about?
I'm talking about playing your self-hypnosis tapes all through the night.
"Learn Esperanto While You Sleep."
"Learn Quantum Theory While You Sleep."
- We both got the same benefit.
- Yeah, neither of us got any sleep.
And what about the time you tied me hair
to the bedpost, then sounded the fire alarm!
Lister, I did that because I was sick of you annoying me.
I don't have to explain it!
I nearly needed brain surgery!
What brains? The point is, you've
always stopped me being successful.
That's a scientific fact.
Rimmer, you can't blame me for your lousy life.
- Oh, yes, I can.
- See! It's always the same.
You never had the right sort
of pens for your G&E drawing.
Your dividers don't
stretch far enough.
- Well, they don't!
- See?
In the end, you can't turn around and say, "I'm sorry
I buggered up my life. It's all Lister's fault!"
Well, I'm not, am I? I'm moving out.
Out of Slob City and into Successville.
What, you mean next door?
It's not the place
Lister, it's the company.
I'm about to share my life with someone who'll
give me encouragement and understanding,
the thrust and parry of meaningful conversation.
- Everything tickety-boo?
- Absolutement, Mr Rimmer.
I'll be along lickety-split.
Carry on!
What a guy!
I just don't know why didn't I think
of this before? A duplicate me, Lister.
Yeah, yeah... Shall I take this through for you?
Be very careful with that. It's an antique.
It's absolutely priceless.
"Absolutement", "tickety-boo", "lickety-split"...
God, "meaningful conversation"?
"Second Technician Arnold J Rimmer
and Second Technician Arnold J Rimmer."
(SIGHS)
Be very careful with that. It's an antique.
Absolutely priceless.
- Gosh, I just said that!
- Did you? That's incredible!
What a lovely story!
Why have you got "No smoking"
signs up when neither of you smoke.
Because they're our 'no smoking' signs and
we happen to think they look rather striking.
Whoa-ho-ho! What's all this?
"Arnold's Tops With Us", "I owe it all to Rimmer", "Arnie Does It Best"...
This is very funny stuff.
- Just go.
- I mean, because your name's Arnold Rimmer,
and even though these headlines
are about other people,
you've cut them out and put them on the wall,
so people will think they're about you?
- Shoo! Go on, out!
- This joke's gonna keep me laughing all through the winter!
Lister, we don't have
to take this anymore.
We don't have to put up with
your snidey remarks, your total
slobbiness, your socks that
set off the sprinkler system.
- Vacate our new quarters.
- Bye-bye, Rimmer.
No, sorry...
Bye-bye, bye-bye, Rimmer, Rimmer.
(BOTH) Goit.
Aow!
Hey! I'm looking so good today!
If I looked any better, I'd be illegal!
Hello, hello! Testing, testing!
One, one, one! Me, me, me!
Attention, all lady cats.
I am feeling very, very sexy!
Can you hear me, lady cats?
My body is available!
Please form a queue! No squabbling!
This is your lucky day!
(HUMS)
Da-da-da-da-daaaaaaah!!
Ecstasy!
(SINGS TUNELESSLY)
We're talking mega-ecstasy bliss!
I can hum as loud as I like, as long as I like.
I'm a free man.
And you see those socks? See 'em?
They're going right where they belong,
all over the floor,
where any self-respecting bachelor
would keep "em.
I'm gonna have the bottom bunk, the big bunk.
I'm gonna leave the top off the shampoo.
I'm going to squeeze the toothpaste
right from the middle.
In fact, I'm gonna do all the things
that drove him bonkers!
I'm gonna crack me knuckles.
I'm gonna grind me teeth.
I'm gonna live for a change!
(LAUGHS MADLY)
(SNIFFS) Ooh, smeggin' hell!
What's this? Video of Rimmer's death?
Holly, get us some popcorn
and put the video on for us, would you?
well, I can just about
manage that, I suppose.
"BSc", "SSc"? What's that?
Bronze Swimming certificate
and Silver Swimming certificate.
He's a total lunatic.
Hello. This video pays homage to a man
who fell short of greatness by a gnat's wing.
Before we see a digitalised
recording of his final moments,
there's going to be a lengthy tribute,
interspersed with poetry readings, read by me.
Whoa! Spin on!
Poetry in motion.
..and if it hadn't been for those people
who kept dragging him down,
pulling him down, pulling him back...
Spin on!
..if you put Napoleon in quarters with Lister,
he'd still be in Corsica peeling spuds.
Spin on!
..we see the final moments of Arnold J Rimmer.
Yes!
Look, It was your job to fix it, Rimmer!
You can't do sloppy work on the drive plate!
I know, sir, and I accept full
responsibility for any consequences.
Emergency. There's an emergency going on.
Will Arnold Rimmer please hurry
to White Corridor 159...7
Gazpacho soup!
(LISTER) Off,
Gazpacho soup? Why were his last words
"gazpacho soup"?
Attention, lady cats! Sensual emergency!
Good lovin' needed bad!
Aow! Hey, no girls here?
What a waste of a good move! Shame.
I'm looking so dangerous, too!
Aow! Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah!
Cat, what are you doing?
I'm courting.
Courting who?
- Whoever shows up.
- I told you before,
there's no other cats on board.
If I believed that for one minute,
I'd go crazy! Aow! Yeah, yeah. yeah, yeah!
(RIMMER) Up, up, up! Stretch, stretch, stretch!
- Stretch further!
- And rest.
No! Keep jumping!
Absolutely. Keep on going
through the pain barrier.
- Jump, jump, jump!
- And rest.
- What are you doing, man?!
- I'm resting, it's going all grey!
That's the pain
barrier! Beat it!
You're right, you're
absolutely right. Keep it going.
- And rest.
- Brilliant! That extra little bit. That's what it's all about.
- What time do we get up?
- Ooh, early. Half past eight.
- No, earlier than that. Seven.
- How about six?
- No, Half past four...
- Half past four, that's the middle of the night!
You wanted driving. I'm driving you.
Once again, Arnold, you're absolutely right.
Holly, alarm call, 4.30
in the morning.
Make it the sonic boom, extra
loud, emergency one.
Yes, Arnold. And Arnold.
- Er, what are you doing, Arnold?
- I'm going to bed, Arnold.
But it's 2 in the morning. We can get
in a couple of hours revision easily.
But, I'm getting up in a minute...
You take Porous Circuits and Esperanto.
I'll take Thermal Energy
and the History of Philosophy.
Fantastic! This is what I've
always dreamed of. I'm in heaven!
Better than sex.
It's 4.30.
Here is your early morning alarm call.
(FOGHORN, BELLS AND SIRENS SOUND)
(RIMMER) Off! Off! Off!
That's the way. Smooth and even. Up and down.
Ah, Lister. Bonan matenon.
Didn't wake you, I trust?
No, I haven't been to bed yet.
But it's 5.05 am. It's practically lunchtime.
What are you doing?
It's called work, Lister. I didnt' think you'd recognise it.
W-O-R-K. It is in the dictionary.
Come on, paint! Paint, paint, paint!
But why are they painting the
corridor, the same colour it was before?
They're changing it from ocean grey to military grey.
Something that should have been done a long time ago
- Looks exactly the same to me.
- No, no, no, no...
That's the new military grey bit there...
and that's the dowdy old, nasty ocean grey bit there.
Or is it the other way around?
It doesn't matter, Rimmer. It's very nice.
So, how's Mrs Rimmer?
Tee-hee hoddle ha! Why don't you just get back into your
cesspit or you won't have the energy for a full day's slob.
I just wondered what you talked about and that, y'know?
Millions of things, Lister.
Apart from being a complete genius, that man happens to be a total delight.
- Has me in stitches all of the time.
- But, he knows everything you know,
and you know everything he
knows, so what do you talk about?
We reminisce, chew over old times,
past glories...old girlfriends.
- Oh, you mean Yvonne McGruder?
- Don't say "Yvonne MacGruder" as if she's the only one.
Well, go on then, name one other girlfriend, then.
Lister, I'm far, far, far too much of a gentleman
to stoop to that shower-room mentality.
All you need to know about
Yvonne McGruder is I gave her one.
Fine, Rimmer, fine. Very nice. Very, very nice.
So, um...what's gazpacho soup?
What?
It's just that they were your
last words and I wondered why?
You've been watching my death video, haven't you?
That's private! It's for my enjoyment only!
It just seems like such a strange
thing to say, "Gazpacho soup..."
Well, I'm sorry, I didn't have time to sit down and
bash out a speech in iambic pentameter.
I was hit in the face by an atomic explosion.
But why "gazpacho soup"?
That, Lister, is something you will never ever know.
Arnold, you asked me to remind you when it was time for your Esperanto revision.
Thank you, Holly. You two, carry on.
"A to Z of Red Dwarf."
(CACKLES) I thought so!
"My Diary", by Arnold J Rimmer.
January 1st: "I have decided to keep a journal
of my thoughts and deeds over the coming year,
"a daily chart of my progress
through the echelons of command,
"so that perhaps one day, other aspiring officers
"may seek enlightenment through these pages.
"It is my fond hope that one day, this journal will take its place
"alongside Napoleon's war diaries
and the memories of Julius Caesar."
Next entry....
July 17th: "Auntie Maggie's Birthday."
November 25th: "Gazpacho soup day."
That's six weeks before the crew got wiped out.
He won't find that one.
Not until he changes his boots.
Oh! Did you see him clearly?
Did you get a good look at his face? Could
you spot him in a parade? I don't think so.
I could've been anybody.
Ten and three-quarter centimetres!
Plus five for not breaking,
and that is a big, big score!
The Browns have to do something
quite sensational with their last bubble.
Quiet, please...
- Busy, Dave?
- (CHOKES)
Well, yeah, I am, actually.
Then you won't wanna know about the
super-lightspeed fighters that are tracking us.
What?!
- I'll leave you to your bubble blowing, mate.
- No, Holly, Holly, come on.
- They're from Earth.
- That's three million years away.
They're from the Norweb Federation.
- What's that?
- The North Western Electricity Board.
- They want you, Dave.
- Me? Why? What for?
- For your crimes against humanity.
- You what?!
Seems, when you left Earth
three millions years ago you left