by Ganymede & Titan

Series X - Dear Dave - All scenes

Ah! Morning, sir. Ohh!

I just love the hum of the air con first
thing in the morning. Don't you, sir?

Makes you just wanna
leap out of bed and mop!

- (DEJECTEDLY) Morning, Krytes.
- Oh, something wrong, sir?

Something getting you down?

Is it that you're the last human being
alive with no life, no family,

no future, no prospects, no hope, is it...

Is it something to do with that, sir?

Somethin' to do with that, Kryten, yeah.

You're missing the human race again,
aren't you, sir?

Really missing 'em today, Krytes.

I just can't believe it's all over.

I've been lookin' at
some old pictures of them,

remind me of the old days.

Look, there's a picture
of them going to work.


Commuters, mm.

There's another one. Look.

- They're all laughing.
- Oh!

New Years, Titan.

We were so happy back then, Kryt.

I had a species, I thought
the two of us'd be together for ever.

Well, it may sound ridiculous now, sir,

but one day, I'm sure you'll meet another
species that'll make you just as happy.

No, I won't! No species'll make me happy
like the human race.

I'll never find another species
like them. They were...

They were special.

Sir, all I'm saying is
there are other species out there,

and given time, who knows?

You never liked the human race, did you?

Quite honestly, sir, I never thought
they were good enough for you.

I never thought
they were very nice to you, sir.

Quite frankly, sir,
I think you could do better.

- What, better than the human race?
- Mm.

It may sound harsh, but you've just
got to get them out of your mind

and get on with your life.

Yeah, but everywhere I look
reminds me of 'em.

A couple of beers later on today, sir -
that'll take your mind off it.

The human race invented beer.

They were brilliant at inventin'.

They invented sofas and blankets
and mops and floors and buckets.

I just miss them so much.

A change of scenery, sir,
that's what you need.

Why don't you get out
and stretch your legs?

The human race had legs.

I just can't get away from them.

Everywhere I look, it reminds me of them.

Nothing compares to them.

# Nothing compares

# Nothing compares to them. #

I knew they'd break his heart.


Human race -
here one minute, gone the next.

Fly-by-night flibbertigibbets!


What's it all about, then?

Why are we all here? Why am I here?

What's the point of everything?

I don't know, Dave.

White coffee, six sugars
and a caramel crisp bar coming right up!

Haven't you ever thought about it?

Not really, no. I'm a vending machine.

Are you OK?

You don't seem your usual self today,

asking intelligent questions,
being philosophical.

How d'you know
what my usual self is like?

I watch you.

Through the crack in your door.

The things you do when you're alone
are so funny!


I've gotta get going.

See you next time!

And if you want to talk things through
about life and stuff. drop by any time.

Oh, except Thursday morning.
I might be out.

Just kidding!

I'll be here! (GIGGLES)

For ever!

Subbuteo tournament this weekend, Kryten.

Not going out in the quarterfinals
three years in a row.

Just putting the boys through their paces.

The flabsters don't know what's hit them.

Er, an e-post from the JMC
on-board computer, sir.

Oh, yes? What do they want?

They've had a significant amount
of letters over the years

from high-ranking members
of the JMC, sir,

proposing you to be awarded

the Golden Stripe Of Honour
for your years of distinguished service.

Gosh. Really?

They say they've been told you're a modest
man who doesn't seek the limelight,

for your only concern
is performing your duties.

I'm lost for words.

Such kindness.

They say, due to the number
of these letters of recommendation,

they have absolutely no option
but to request

you stop writing them.

Oh, bollocking damn and jumbo buggers!

They go on to say,
in dealing with this matter,

they've looked into your actual
service record and have realised

that you haven't reported for duty
in over three million years.

But I've been dead for most of that!

You are therefore being charged
with gross dereliction of duty

and you have 24 hours
to present your rebuttal.


If they find you guilty, sir,
you'll be demoted...

to third technician.

The same as Lister?

There'll be no-one but you to obey
my orders. What am I gonna do?

Help me. That's an order.

Oh, please, sir!
Don't order me to help you.

You know how much I hate helping you!


Very well, sir.

Perhaps you could get a note
from the medicomputer

explaining you're unfit for duty.

Post-traumatic stress or something.

I haven't been the same since the crew
got wiped out - need a note, post-dated.

Too unwell to attend myself.

Off you go.

On my way, sir.

Ahh, you!

Still moping around in your mopey clothes,

listening to your mopey music,
being all mopey?

- If you want my opinion...
- Which I don't.'s time you manned up.

Listened to some brass band music.

Went for a bracing hike
in the diesel decks.

Given the options, I'll continue being
suicidal, if it's all the same to you.

And don't think this pity party's
going unnoticed.

I've noticed it.

And I've written it down
in a special report.

And let me tell you, m'laddo,
I pull no punches.

Who's gonna read this special report?

Well, me.

And maybe others... one day.

And they'll read,

"You are the star of your own mopeathon.

"You can't even be bothered
to get yourself a cup of tea any more.

"You dunk your biscuits in the fish tank."

I've seen you.

I was watching TV!

As long as it's wet and melty,
you don't care where you stick it.

Look, Rimmer, I'm depressed, man.
Give me a break.

And besides, I'm a careful dunker now.

Look left, look right,

mirror, signal, dunk.

It's time you stopped feeling sorry
for yourself, Lister.

Every problem has an answer.

Problem - your species is dead.

Answer - make some more.

And how am I gonna do that?

Well, you've gotta prepare yourself,
haven't you?

Like a fighter pilot waiting to scramble.

If the perfect woman
walked through that door right now -

and by perfect, I mean
any female with working ovaries -

you wouldn't have a clue.

Perfect woman walked through that door,
I would be ready to scramble.

What, you think your old moves
would still work today?

You think that snaky, sneaky,
arm-round-the-shoulder trick

in a dark cinema is still cool?

Women today
would die laughing at that move.

That was my best move.

I had a lot of success with that move.

Women have moved on from that move.

Moves don't move on.

Moves move on.

What, moves move?!

Right, here's a Jacobean move.

A Jaca-what?

Oh, my lady!

Thy beauty doth radiate across the Earth,

like a raging forest fire
consuming everything in its path,

and reduces grown men to babbling fools.

Do you think that move would work today?

Not a chance - dead move.

The cloak across the puddle - dead move.

Strumming a mandolin
under the balcony - dead move.

How d'you know all this, Rimmer?
You know nothin' about women.

You know nothin' about nothin'.

Remember that documentary
we watched about breasts?

You thought "areolas"
was a Spanish goalkeeper?

Well, what was he, Italian?

It's not important.

Look, you've either got it
or you ain't, and I've got it.

I'm gonna make meself a cup of coffee.


Right, abusing the furniture.

It's all going down.

Oh, thanks, 23.

I really needed a lift.

(FRENCH ACCENT) No problem, David.

How was zat soup I made you yesterday?

- It was, er... pretty delicious, actually.
- Ah, bon!

- I'm glad you enjoyed eet'.
- Yeah, it was really nice.


So, um... you look different.

Have you changed something? New facade?

Really suits you. You look, er... shinier.

No, same facade as always.

Could've sworn it's different.

- Maybe it's the light.
- Oui, maybe.

Oh, it's good coffee, this. Great coffee.

Some amazing coffee.

I've always said to the others, you know,
if you want a good cup of coffee,

go to Dispenser 23 -
she makes the best coffee.

- Are you 'itting on me?
- What? No!

I'm a vending machine -
why are you trying to 'it on me?

- I'm not trying to hit on you.
- You so are.

No, I'm not! I'm really not.
You just make good coffee, that's all.

"New facade, you look shinier" -
zat was a move.

- It was not a move!
- It so was a move.

You were putting a move on me.

You're getting the wrong end of the stick.
It was not a move, now please!

Why are you 'itting on
a dispensing machine? Who does zat?

- I'm not! I mean...
- Is everything OK, sir?

You know what he just tried to do?
He was 'itting on me.

Hit... hitting on her! I mean...

of course I wasn't hitting on her -
she's a vending machine!

Why would I hit on a vending machine?

I- I'm sure there's been
some misunderstanding here.

He put his hand on my logo.

- What? When?

Look, I was leaning,
it was a total accident!

Oh, leaning and you just happened
to place your hand exactly on my logo.

"Oops, sorry, didn't notice it "
he said, as he gently grazed my logo.


- This is gonna go in the report.

RIMMER: What news of my sabbatical?

KRYTEN: I'm afraid it's not good, sir.

The medicomp said no? It's never liked me.

It's happy to give you a note
if you have a genuine reason for time off,

otherwise there's nothing doing.

Although I got the impression
a charitable donation to the medical fund

might not go unnoticed.

Hmm. A little bribe.

Not a bribe, sir - a donation.

A big donation.

Mm! Where you gonna get
major moolah like that?

Expenditure cuts, sir,
from the supplies budget.

I've been looking at the ship's inventory
for potential savings,

and it seems to me, for a ship this size,

with this many
toilet-active crew members...

Toilet-active crew members?

...there's an astonishing amount
of toilet paper in the 2,143 restrooms

going to waste.

You what?!

Toilet paper that never goes into action,
never sees the field of battle.

- Return the toilet paper!
- Hang on.

Make the majority
of the restrooms paper-free.

I-I need that toilet paper!

Every sheet!

I've got a diet
that's rich in fibre, curry and beer.

The savings would be insane.

We can get a reimbursement from Supplies
and transfer that to the medical fund.

As far as the supply budget is concerned,
we're just moving money around.

It's totally above board.

I'll get on it right away.

- Great plan.
- Lousy plan!

Buds, I've got a question for you.
What's the best way to break bad news?

Well, generally speaking, sir,
you tell the people to sit down

and warn them that you've got bad news.

And what kind of face you got on?

A serious face, sir.

Kindly but serious.

Huh! Kindly but serious.

That's what I thought!

I knew that!

Thanks, bud!

Buds, best you sit down.
I've got some bad news.

Whoa, what is it? What's happened?

Is this about me? It's about me, isn't it?

I'm being replaced again, aren't I, sir?

You know everyone's sitting down,
then you say something like,

- "Listen, I've got bad news," right?
- That's correct, sir.

OK, here comes the bad news.

But I'm gonna do it as char-aydes!

ALL: Char-aydes?

He means "char-ahdes", sir.

You know how much fun
there is round here? None!

It's too good an opportunity to miss.

OK, here we go.

Remember, really bad news.

Two words.

KRYTEN: Whole thing.

Ho-hole. Er, black hole,
we're being sucked into a black hole.

Er chameleonic mutants. Er, er, er,
brain-eating chameleonic mutants on board.

- A giant death worm!
- Something's happened to Kochanski.

She's got a rogue virus.

- Rimmer's got a rogue virus.
- No, no, no.

I've got a rogue virus?

- RIMMER: Er, explosion?
- Zombies, zombies!

I'm being replaced, aren't I, sir?
No-one likes me. People have complained

- about the shape of my head.
- Strangling...

RIMMER: A giant death worm. Giant
death worm heading straight for us...

- Crash, something's crashed.

RIMMER: Heading straight for us.
I'm being demoted.

A woman! A woman's coming.

- A woman. Shorter.
- Small woman. Small. Male, man.

- Male.
- Post! Mail pod!

Mail pod!

- LISTER: Mail pod!
- KRYTEN: Mail pod!

- The mail pod's arrived!
- Mail pod's arrived!

LISTER: Brilliant, the mail pod's arrived!

- And something's happened to it.
- Something bad.

LISTER: It's crashed.
The mail pod's crashed.

- It exploded.
- It turned into a giant death worm.

- LISTER: It's turned into a jacket.
- A giant death worm's come out of it.

This is nothing to do
with a giant death worm!

Where were you getting
the giant death worm from?!

Oh! Your clothes... your clothes
were on a... on a washing line...

- LISTER: Jacket.
- ...and mail pod came in

and crashed into your clothes!

Got it in one!

"Your clothes are hanging on the line,
and the mail pod crashed into them?"

How's that two words?

Cos when it happened, I said,

"Oh, man!"

You know,
if I had a giant death worm right now,

I'd stick it right down
your stupid throat!

Hey, the mail's arrived!

Lighten up - mail from Earth!

Death worm?!

Two words!

That's the last one, sirs.

We must have sifted through
about a thousand letters now.

One letter from home,
that's all I'm asking -

just one lousy, stinking letter.

Look, 50 big ones
says the first letter's mine.

Why is everything a competition with you?

Why can't we just sit here
and sort the mail like two mature adults

instead of behaving like two schoolboys
who have to bet on everything?

Oh, yes, I've got one!

Arnold Rimmer!

The man, the myth, the legend!
Rimmsy, Rimmsy!

Mr Popular with a capital P,
there's no stopping him, here he goes!

Who's it from?

It's a parking fine.

Still good.

Still a letter -
something to read addressed to me.

One-nil, Rimmsy.

Is it? Can it be?

It can't be.

Oh, but it is!

One-all! The comeback kid!

This boy does not know the meaning
of the word "defeat"!


Go on, then, who's it from?

Hayley Summers?

My God, Hayley Summers!

Hayley Summers!

I'm guessing it's from Hayley Summers?

I used to go out with Hayley Summers.

It's when I was trying to be a rock god.

What I lacked technically
I made up for in loudness.

I mean, when I played,
people had ringing in their ears.

How long for?

It didn't go away.
Once they had it, they had it for good.

That's how loud I was.

So where did you meet her, then?
At a gig?