Smega-Drive
by Ganymede & Titan
Series XI - Give & Take - All scenes
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(LIFT BELL DINGS)
(BUZZING)
LIFT: Lift coming, sir.
(BUZZING)
Come on! Come on!
Why are you always so slow?
I've seen snails with clubbed feet
travel faster than you.
The French Army after lunch
move quicker!
- LIFT: Not long now, sir.
- (BEEPING)
I'm picking up several strange
energy signatures on B-Deck.
I need a lift pronto to check them out.
LIFT: Just a drop-off
on the living quarters
and I'll be with you in a flash, sir.
Will you really?
Or will you really be
a really long time?
LIFT: A really long time, sir.
So why not tell me that
in the first place, then?
LIFT: I didn't want to lose your custom.
Who could you lose my custom to?
LIFT: Our main rival sir. The stairs.
I've heard they're doing
really well this year.
Where are you now?
LIFT: I've completed the drop-off
at the Living Quarters Deck, sir.
Now, I've just got a trip
up to the stasis booths.
But I pressed first!
Right, that's it, you are fired!
LIFT: You can't fire a lift sir.
I just have!
LIFT: How are you going to replace me?
With another lift from another shaft.
I'll get the skutters
to transfer and install.
Leto me tell you, Miladdo,
there are plenty of young,
thrusting lifts around here
who would give their eye teeth
to transport someone of my stature
up and down their shaft.
Tell all lifts we're interviewing
for a new position in Shaft 14.
All applicants must
be prepared to travel.
Only lifts need apply.
Come on.
(SKUTTER BEEPS)
(LISTER SNORING)
Lights!
Lister, you've been in my bunk
for two days now.
Are you still hung-over?
Oh, go away, Rimmer.
Turn off the lights!
Look, we've come across a space station
tech-rich in Sector-3.
There's an asteroid storm
heading for it.
It'll be toast in five hours!
Let's go!
Give me a break, Rimmer.
I've been in bed for two days!
I need to freshen up.
All right. Good to go, come on!
What kind of space station is it, Kryts?
Any idea?
Well, I don't recognise it, sir.
But I must confess,
I did delete some files off
my hard drive this morning
to create more memory.
Really? Is that safe?
Oh, have no fear, sir.
I only trashed information
I considered frivolous and idiotic.
Without checking with me first?
And you are?
Go into your trash, you metal moron,
and undelete the "Rimmer" folder.
You must have dumped me
in there by mistake.
It's highly unlikely, whoever you are,
but I'll check anyway.
- (COMPUTER BEEPING)
- Oh!
There's a folder in here
marked "Captain Bollocks".
Could that be you?
"Captain Bollocks"?
Is that what you call me behind my back?
To your face too, when you're snoozing!
Just dragging it out of the bin
and reinstalling.
(BEEPING)
Oh, sir, I'm so sorry!
How could I possibly...
Yes, all right, moving on.
Calling you Captain Bollocks!
Especially behind your back
and probably sniggering about it, too.
How could you not take offence?
Kryten, please, let's move on.
Captain Bollocks? Really?
It's disrespectful
and downright offensive, sir!
Just reassure me I'm fully reinstalled.
KRYTEN: Rest assured, sir.
You now have pride of place
in my "R" section.
Alongside "ringworm"
and "rim shot", sir.
(RUMBLING)
Now, remember, sirs, the asteroid storm
will destroy the station in five hours.
(RUMBLING)
Look, let's split up into pairs.
It'll make things a whole lot quicker.
As acting superior officer,
I naturally get first choice.
Don't want you.
Why is there no one good here?
You get more choice
in an Amish barber's.
(RUMBLING)
Kryten, you're with me.
Let's move, people.
If they ever decide
to recognise services to tosspottery,
he'll be a hall of famer.
I wonder why it's called "Asclepius"?
Well, presumably after
the Greek god of medicine, sir.
Well, there's that, obviously.
Obviously that. Yes, obviously.
You think it's that obvious?
Skeleton.
- Check it out.
- (DEVICE BEEPING)
My bet, it's dead.
Why do skeletons never wear any clothes?
No wonder they all died.
Probably pneumonia.
Right. Male, Caucasian, 31.
And according to this,
he was a Colonel Club cardholder.
One chicken stamp away
from a free Family Fun Bucket.
Man, that thing's accurate!
(DEVICE BEEPING)
LISTER: That's weird.
The DNA on this knife handle
is identical to the DNA in the body.
Meaning this dude
stabbed himself in the back?
Why would anyone do that?
Hey, there's some notes here.
Might give us a clue.
(COUGHING)
If memory serves, sir,
Asclepius was a medi-bot
created in the late 23rd century,
programmed to perform all procedures,
both physical and mental,
on all known living organisms.
The cutting edge of droid technology.
It's like something
out of an old sci-fi movie.
It's going to be so much
more advanced than me, sir.
- It's got four buttons.
- Precisely!
(DROID BEEPING)
DROID: Greetings.
How can I be of service?
I am Standing Acting Senior
Commanding Officer Arnold J. Rimmer,
of the JMC mining ship Red Dwarf.
- Perhaps you could...
- Sir, you haven't introduced me.
I beg your pardon.
This is Kryten.
He's a sanitation droid, mainly toilets.
He can also unblock drains,
and he's an absolute whizz
when it comes to embarrassing stains.
Sir, I merely asked you to introduce me.
You didn't have to big me up.
DROID: Arnold J. Rimmer?
I do believe many years ago
I had the honour of serving
one of your old crewmates.
Flight Coordinator Ronald Littlewood.
(RUMBLING)
Sir, our quake timings are way out.
We need to get back to Red Dwarf.
I wonder, would you care to join us?
We have nothing in our science room
remotely as sophisticated as you.
DROID: Why, I would be honoured, Kryten.
Follow me.
(DROID BEEPING)
Well, according to these notes,
the guy's name was Romero G. Gonzalez,
and he was a stasis booth engineer.
ASCLEPIUS: Ah Mrs Robertson.
We're ready to start your procedure now.
And this must be Mrs Johnson, the donor.
No need to be frightened.
There was a time I was
a teensy, tiny, teeny, weeny bit mad!
- (GASPS)
- But, not anymore.
Look, there's my all-clear!
We gotta go.
We'll close the door behind us,
as we pelt out.
ASCLEPIUS:
I can see you're both quite nervous.
Perhaps you need a little something
to help you relax?
- (GUN POWERING UP)
- BOTH: Bazookoids!
- (DARTS STRIKING)
- (BOTH GRUNTING)
ASCLEPIUS:
There, that wasn't so bad was it?
RIMMER: Where are they?
KRYTEN: Tracking them, sir.
Down here.
ASCLEPIUS:
# Slow, slow, slow your blood
# Gently as you breathe
# Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
# Life is such a scream #
(MONITOR BEEPING)
Ah, Mrs Bill.
You're a little early.
Take a seat in the waiting room.
(CHUCKLES)
I'll show you where it is.
(GUN POWERING UP)
(GUNS FIRING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(GUNS FIRING)
(METAL CLANGING)
Sir, let's fire them up
and get them out of here!
(CRASHING)
(ALARM BLARING)
(CRASHING)
(CLATTERING)
RIMMER: Move, Kryten. Go!
Go, go, go, go, go!
(CRASHING)
(EXPLOSIONS)
(WHOOSHING)
- (MONITOR BEEPING)
- (GROANS)
He's coming 'round, sir.
Here he comes.
Yes, he's coming 'round.
I don't remember drinking anything.
You were attacked, sir. Remember?
Attacked?
I didn't start it and I wasn't drunk.
Well, I might have been drunk,
but I didn't start it.
Well, I might have started it.
I remember now, how's the Cat?
He's in Medi-Bay 4, sir. He's fine.
- And me?
- Ah, the Cat.
He's 100% tippety-top, sir.
Yeah, what about me?
Prepare yourself
for a bit of a shock, sir.
What kind of a shock?
Well, if most shocks
are about this size,
this shock is more this size.
You have a problem
with your kidneys, sir.
What kind of problem?
You don't have any.
That crazy droid organ-nabbed them.
And when we Marined
our way in to save you,
friendly fire took out the jar.
And which particular friend
caused this friendly fire.
Put it there, pal of mine.
Where am I going to get new kidneys
three millions years into deep space!
Didn't I tell you he'd say that?
And hang on a minute, no kidneys?
How come I'm not dead?
Well, I've injected a home-made
MTK chip into your blood stream, sir,
which performs a function
similar to the old dialysis machine
of days gone by.
All being well,
you'll be fine for, erm...
- Years?
- Er...
Months?
Weeks?
Let's not get bogged down
in detail, sir.
I'm totally smegged, aren't I?
Didn't I tell you he'd say that?
KRYTEN: All is not lost, sir.
The perpetrator
of this act of derangement
was clearly some
mentally unhinged droid patient,
who managed to escape his shackles.
Mr Rimmer and I, however,
managed to obtain the services
of a state-of-the-art medi-bot.
(SNACKY BEEPING)
He's a state-of-the-art medi-bot?
He's only got four buttons!
He goes by the name of Asclepius.
SNACKY: Asclepius?
Kryten, can we talk?
Just one moment, Asclepius.
(CHUCKLES)
Or should that be, Mr Asclepius?
SNACKY: Actually, neither.
Pardon my faux pas, Professor.
Now, where was I?
One of Asclepius' many abilities
is DNA rewriting.
If Mr Cat were willing
to donate one of his kidneys,
Asclepius here could make
his kidney compatible with your body.
This is the Cat we're talking about.
The one with the big,
black bog brush on his head!
You're expecting me
to ask him for a kidney?
He's never given anyone
anything in his life.
Well, when we explain the importance,
the idea of him being
a donor might appeal.
Kryten, read the "Cat" dictionary.
There's only one meaning for donor.
A kind of kebab.
He's a cat, he can't help himself.
He has his selfish side,
but if it wasn't for you,
sir, he wouldn't exist.
Neither would his species.
Plus, sir, you're buds.
He'll come through.
Of course, he will.
Didn't I tell you he'd look like that?
Oh, yeah!
Hey, hey, hey!
How you doing, bud?
They said you wanted to see me.
Cat, take a seat, erm...
- What have they told you?
- What's to tell?
We all got out in one piece, right?
Right.
Erm, listen.
I've got a really big favour to ask you.
Go ahead, ask.
Forgive the interruption, sir.
I suddenly remembered you haven't eaten.
Here you go.
Soup, a roll and a vitamin booster.
Great, I'm famished!
- But that was for...
- (SIGHING)
I'll get some more, sir.
I don't want any more!
I just need a main course.
And get me one of those drip things,
like he's got.
- Listen, Cat. As I was saying...
- (SLURPS)
And some Himalayan sea salt!
- Listen, Cat.
- You wanted to ask me something.
Yeah, look.
I'm not gonna beat about the bush here.
I'm just gonna come
right out and say it.
I'm not gonna beat about the bush.
I'm just gonna come
right out and say it.
In a minute.
I need you to...
...give me...
...one of your kidneys.
Kidneys?
This is fish.
Not the food, you doink. The organ.
That crazy droid organ-nabbed mine.
Then they got nuked in the gun fight.
So, let me get this straight.
I give you one of my kidneys,
what do I get?
A hole.
Where your kidney used to be.
So, I give you a kidney,
you give me a hole?
You keep the kidney, I keep the hole?
My gift to you.
I'll tell you what.
It's not your kidneys
that need replacing.
It's your damn brain.
Cat, if you don't give me
your kidney and I die,
think how you'll feel.
Better than you!
You know what,
I think this is all front from you.
It's just all front.
'Cause I know you. I know you.
And when push comes to shove,
you'll do what's right.
I won't do what's right.
I hate doing what's right.
All these years we've been together,
you think someone knows you.
But you don't know me at all!
Where's that sea salt?
Do I have to do everything myself
around here!
(SNACKY BEEPING)
Ah, I thought you might be here.
SNACKY: How can I be of service, sir?
I'd quite like to see you
with regard to your psychiatric skills.
(SNACKY WHIRRING)
I've got some issues with my father,
who I discovered wasn't my father.