Smega-Drive
by Ganymede & Titan
Series XI - Krysis - All scenes
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
LISTER: Ow!
Ah!
Ow!
Lister, it's 6:00 in the morning.
What are you doing?
I'm just trimming my big toe
with these lawn hedge trimmers.
So, you've finished Kierkegaard's
The Concept of Irony, then?
I've got an ingrown toenail, Rimmer.
It's killing me, man!
Thank it for me.
I've tried everything.
Scissors, nailfile.
Why don't you get Kryten
to do it for you?
Have you seen the size of his hands?
They're like space shovels.
It'd be like asking Herman Munster
for a circumcision.
- No, thanks!
- (DOOR OPENING)
- Speaking of...
- Breakfast, sir.
Kryten, it's 6:00 in the morning!
We moved the clocks forward today, sir.
And remember last year when it was time
to move the clocks forward
and you wanted another hour in bed?
So you asked if I could move the clocks
forward an extra hour
the following year instead?
Well, we've actually been doing that
now for the last seven years.
So, in actuality,
according to space adjusted time,
it is now 2:00 in the afternoon.
Which means, breakfast time!
I'll just tuck this napkin in
for you, sir.
- Thank you.
- There we go.
And I'll just fluff this pillow up.
Fluff, fluff, fluff. There we go, sir.
Is there anything you don't do for him?
When he goes to the loo,
do you fit a special hand
made from three-ply toilet tissue?
It's an excellent suggestion, sir.
I'll make a note!
Actually you're all right, Kryts.
Erm, what's for breakfast?
The full Lister, sir.
Ah, the full Lister!
Eggs, bacon, sausages,
hash browns, onions,
six slices of white toast,
double buttered on both sides
with mustard,
and a beer milkshake
to wash it all down with.
Ta- da!
Oh, sir, I'm so sorry.
I must have forgotten to make it.
What is wrong with me?
Ah, you're all right, Kryten.
Are you okay?
How could I be so stupid?
Stupid, stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid, stupid!
You talking about me?
Kryts isn't feeling too good.
Ah, what's up, bud of mine?
I've been a little distracted of late.
I think I may have lost something
that's fundamental to my very being.
One of your nipple nuts
dropped off again?
It's nothing like that, sir.
I think I've lost my love of mopping.
And not just mopping.
Scrubbing, dusting,
even wiping,
which was always my favourite.
It's like a little light's
gone out inside.
Kryten, it's called your sanity circuit.
What's brought all this on?
Well, just recently I've started
thinking about the Universe.
About how cosmic inflation
at the time of the big bang
means it's constantly expanding
until one day it's gonna burst.
And when it does, everything in
the Universe is gonna cease to exist,
including the works
of the greatest minds,
Einstein, Mozart, Da Vinci,
Hoover, Dyson, Hotpoint, DustBuster.
And it got me thinking, if everything
in the Universe is going to end,
including time itself, what is the point
in cleaning above eye level?
Good question.
If one day the Universe
is going to explode,
who cares if the oven is a bit gunky?
Nothing matters, sir.
Justice, truth, culture, morality,
life, death, religion, war.
It's all absurd.
Why even get up in the morning?
I've been asking that for years!
KRYTEN: What am I going to do?
Why don't you take an ice-cold shower?
That'll fix it.
I'm not waterproof, sir.
Exactly.
Kryten, what about Silicon Heaven?
Does that bring you no comfort?
Well, just lately I've started to think
that the idea of an afterlife
for machines is preposterous.
ALL: No!
Especially as appliances who are pledged
to the wrong manufacturer
aren't even allowed in.
It just seems so unfair that all
the Blackberrys burn in Silicon Hell!
What's eating you, bud?
I'm not sure, sir.
Perhaps it's something to do with today
being the anniversary of my creation.
- Happy creation day, bud!
- Happy creation day.
Yeah, happy creation day.
I came off a conveyor belt
2,976,000 years ago today.
Where did all the years go?
What's got into him?
Wait a minute,
how old did Kryten say he was?
Three million, give or take
an ice age or two.
And how long are mechs built to last
before the Grim Ruster comes along?
Another three million?
Give or take an ice age or two.
Well, there's your answer, then.
Kryten's having a midlife crisis.
What even is a midlife crisis?
I don't think us cats ever get 'em.
It's a period when people,
usually halfway through life,
are forced to confront
their own mortality.
Put it this way, have you ever felt,
"I've wasted my life"?
You? Sure.
Every single day!
No, have you ever felt
you've wasted your life?
No!
Have you ever felt, "There's so much
more I could have been"?
No!
Have you ever felt,
"If I went back in time
"and had my time again, I'd..."
Forget it!
(ELEVATOR RINGS)
I suppose you can't blame
Kryten for feeling like this.
He's nearly three million years old,
but what has he got to show for it?
Mozart was five when he wrote
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.
Yeah, but what did he do
after that, huh?
He had a bad case of second
nursery-rhyme syndrome, right?
Mozart, dummy, is one of the greatest
musical gods of all music.
And after Twinkle, he went on to write
among other things, The Best of Mozart.
And The Best of Mozart Volume Two.
It must be so hard for you
being the only one here
with a classical education.
It is!
Kryten?
(MACHINE WHIRRING)
What have you done to yourself?
What do you think?
It's the new DX87 shell.
Carbon fibre, Rosso corsa red,
Alcantara trim with twin exhausts.
It has a top walking speed of,
get this, 12 miles an hour.
And you should see
how this hoochie takes corners.
It is pip-tacular.
Plus, with the new push rod
suspension system,
allowing my nose to be lower
to the ground,
I can take corners at 38 degrees.
Kryten, sit down. We wanna talk to ya.
Check this.
Kryten, do you know
what a midlife crisis is?
Sure do-ski. It's a period of emotional
turmoil in the middle of life.
Symptoms are usually unexpected anger,
a loss of interest in things
once considered important,
and a desire to try
and recapture your youth.
Now check out these sub-woofers!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Can you feel that bass?
Is that not some serious bump?
I'm feeling it, I'm feeling it!
We used to play this on the Nova-5.
Yeow!
Yeah!
Turn that din off!
Kryten!
You're having a midlife crisis.
Well, that's preposterous, I'm a mech.
Denying you're having a midlife crisis
is a key characteristic
of having a midlife crisis.
- It is?
- Along with getting an earring,
a red sports car
and an interest in extreme sports.
I need time to think about this.
Perhaps I'll go bungee jumping
in the lift shaft and mull it over.
I wonder why I'm so attracted
to bungee jumping all of a sudden?
- (TYRES SCREECHING)
- Whoa!
Yes, he's having
a full-on midlife crisis.
Hmm.
Next thing, he'll be leaving us
for a younger crew.
Look, we need to help him.
What do you suggest? A lunar road trip?
Herding vacuum cleaners?
We've gotta show him how much
he's evolved, how much he's achieved.
He hasn't achieved anything
because he spends all his time
looking after you!
Oh, get outta town, Rimmer!
He's been independent
ever since I helped him
break his programming.
Yes, independent to look after you!
Okay, how about this, remember years ago
that tech we took from the Nova-5?
Kryten's old ship?
Yeah, didn't they have
some special FindFleet software?
So that ships could locate each other?
So what you're suggesting
is we find one of
"badly damaged parcel head's" old ships?
We find one with a mech on board.
It'll show Kryten how much he's evolved.
How long will that take?
Well, once the scanners have located
a ship, to us, it'll be no time at all.
Cos we'll go into stasis
till we get there.
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING)
- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
- (MUSIC PLAYING)
Are we there yet?
- Let me check.
- (ELECTRONIC BEEPING)
Right, got it.
There's a ship 222 klicks from here.
- Name?
- Nova-3
The 3's were launched
a hundred years before the Nova-5's.
Any life signs, sir?
One, a mechanoid 3000 Series.
Goes by the name of 'Butler'.
What's this ship doing out here?
Well, according to the mission log,
they were looking
for a missing research station
that was attempting
to communicate with the Universe.
Back in the day,
there used to be a theory,
now dismissed as preposterous,
that the Universe
was an intelligent entity.
Bet you're really looking forward
to meeting Butler.
He'll probably be unable
to lie, won't he, sir?
Or cheat, deceive, brag, boast,
whinge, exaggerate,
or be proud, pompous or self-important.
In fact, he won't be able
to do any of the things I've taught ya.
Thinking back, I see now
I've had such a privileged upbringing.
Ah, Kryts!
It's going to be like
when you discover someone from school
is doing really badly.
It always gives you
that lovely, warm, fuzzy feeling inside.
In fact, I've got a list
I carry around in my man purse
of all the kids doing worse than me.
Short list, is it?
Derek Smetherton.
He was our head boy.
Won every prize going,
dated all the best-looking girls,
but he ended up as a bald divorcee
working in a sewage treatment plant
in the Falkland Islands.
And they say there's no God.
Butler!
Kryten, how lovely to meet you.
Follow me and I'll escort you
to our bridge.
Oh, you have a bridge.
How very quaint.
Back on the Nova-5
we had a command room.
Oh, how grand!
Our bridge is nothing
very special, I'm afraid.
I hope you don't mind,
but I prepared some canapes.
I thought you might be peckish
after your journey.
So we have Bleu-Blanc-Coeur
rillettes du Maine,
or if you prefer, bocconcini brochettes
with a tomato and balsamic reduction.
Mmm, yum.
I'll match that yum and raise you a yum
and make it yum-yum!
Mm.
I hope you like vintage champagne,
Krug Clos du Mesnil 2140.
Indeed we do.
Derrieres up.
I'll have a beer.
This way.
After the crew died,
I converted this space into a gallery
so I had somewhere
to keep the paintings.
Ah, the captain had quite a collection.
These are quite stunning.
Er, no, no, these are
my paintings, Kryten.
You own all these paintings?
I painted the paintings.
It gives me a break from the concertos
I put on to entertain
the vending machines.
Are you musical, Kryten?
Sometimes he hums when he's vacc-ing.
Musical? No, Butler.
But it's long something
I've intended to take up.
"Concerto".
The etymology is fascinating.
It's the conjunction of consorere,
meaning to join, and certome, to fight.
The idea is that the two parts of the
concerto, the soloist and the orchestra,
alternate episodes of opposition
and cooperation in the creation
of the music flow.
Er, this floor, am I right in thinking
you've used our old friend Piney Shine
with its famed protective coating
and antislip finish?
I must confess I don't recall.
I've been rather distracted lately
finishing my latest novel.
- Reading?
- Writing.
Splendid.
What's it about?
It delineates the events surrounding
the droid uprising and invasion
of Callisto back in
the late 22nd century.
And the impact the uprising has on
lunar society
as seen through the eyes
of five privileged human families.
Do you write, Kryten?
Shopping lists, laundry lists. That
midnight oil hardly gets a breather.
Rimmer?
Incidentally, if any of you have
any diseases,
I most probably have an antidote.
Breakthrough medical cures
is a hobby of mine.
Do you dabble in medical science?
He's got a belting cure for hiccups.
Yeah, you drink a glass of water
through a straw while sticking
your fingers in your ears.
No, no, no, it so works.
We're expecting the Nobel Prize
for Medicine
through the cargo bay door any day now.
Before I show you the rest of my ship,
I have to make one thing very clear.
I have no intention of ever leaving
the Nova-3.
My only captain now is my own muse.
You will join us for
the day, though, surely?
My pleasure.
Rimmer, have you seen
this painting here?
How is this helping Kryten?
Forget Kryten.
If we can make Butler change his mind,
this is a once in a lifetime opportunity
to update our mech.
What, get rid of Kryten?
We'll keep him for the cleaning.
Let Butler take care of the science.
I've only had a perfunctory look
but I think I can rather help expand
your EM booster circuits.
Well, sadly,
that won't be possible, Butler.
We simply can't afford to have Starbug
out of commission
for any length of time.
(BEEPING)
There, done.
- (MACHINE WHIRRING)
- Hang on, what's this?
The blinking machine's gone
full on red blinky!
GELF gunships, six of them,
coming in at 210 Mark-4.
- (HIGH-PITCHED DRONING)
- 60 seconds to intercept.
They're coming in both port
and starboard sides!
They're stabilising.
Preparing to lock on!
Suggestions?
Reroute power to the fusion booster.
Try and outrun them.
Okay, spinning up engines one,
drives two!
I don't mean to interfere but
if you do that, won't the gunships
simply take advantage of the open drives
and electro-jam the engine?
(WHOOSHING)
They've electro jammed our engines.
They're locking on!
Incoming!
(ELECTRONIC HUMMING)
Prepare yourself to die,
human ship of scum!
Equahecta, is that you?
Butler?
Dura kusmwak muraj!
(LAUGHING)
Anaj gine'er, chikajr naj folme
Naj, najsi ku f'dum swj. Akhak mwar'nsan.
You two know each other?
I'm his daughter's godfather.
It was Equahecta's way of thanking me
after I helped his sick tribe.