Smega-Drive

by Ganymede & Titan

Series XII - Cured - All scenes



(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)


CAT: OK, five card draw poker.


You in, Cincinnati?


Of course he's in. Come on, Rimmer.


Deal the cards.


RIMMER: Match-sticks, nothing more.


If you think you're winning
my back issues


of Morris Dancer Monthly,
you've got another thing coming.


Here we go.


One, two, three, four, five.


Let's see what we got.


Where are our cards?


You ain't getting any.


- But without cards, we can't win.
- Exactly!


What kind of game is that?


A good game.


A game I'm gonna win.


Look, let's try it another way.


So that we all get


five cards


and we all get


a chance to win.


You might just enjoy it.


How many cards do you wanna change?


None, are you crazy?


You've got a really good hand, right?


How did you know?


Have you never heard of a poker face?


Huh?


You get your cards,
you look at 'em like this,


and you don't give anything away.


All right. Let try it again.


How many cards do you want to change?


Five.


(BEEPING)


KRYTEN: Sirs, we're picking up an SSL.


It's in the neighbouring vector.


OK, starting her up.


(ENGINE STARTING)


Silky as the first day we got her.


Moon base, coming up
on our starboard side.


What is this place, Kryts?


According to the ident,


it's a United America Scientific
Research Station.


- United America, who's that?
- Well, at the end of the 23rd century,


America attempted
to bring peace to the world,


by asking every nation on Earth


to sign a Peace Treaty.


Any nation that refused, they invaded.


Now a war ensued


that was called the War against War.


Those countries who went to war,


because they were so against war,


they were prepared to go to war,


to fight in a war against war,


called themselves, United America.


But why would
these United America johnnies


want to build a Research Station
way out here?


By the looks of their manifest,
their loaded with tech,


maybe we can finally fix
Starbug's thruster.


I'm sick of always having to turn left.


Alrighty. Bringing her in.


RIMMER: There's a sandstorm coming in.
18 on the Newton scale.


Looks like we're going
to be stuck here for a while.


Any idea what they did here, Krytes?


Well, it appears they were testing
a cure for evil, sir.


Evil? But you can't cure evil.
That's ridiculous.


What do they do?
Hand out tubes of evil ointment?


"Gently rub into your frontal lobes
when feeling psychotic."


To be honest,
I've never really believed in evil.


You should try inhaling
your socks, sometimes.


LISTER: OK.


Some people do terrible things,
but not because they're evil,


it's because they're mentally bonkers.


I never realized you read up
on the subject, Listy.


Mentally bonkers' I'm struggling
a bit to keep up here.


Do you mean they're psychopaths?


Well, not all psychopaths kill
of course, sir.


They don't?


Most psychopaths lack empathy for others


and have no remorse.


But as a rule, they don't actually
physically harm anyone.


- So what do they do then?
- Well, many go into banking.


Many others are CEOs, businessmen,
lawyers, even politicians.


Ruthless men and women,
drawn to positions of power


and the reward that brings.


This evil cure, Krytie,
any idea who they test it on?


You think they might be wall to wall
crazies in here?


Running around, rioting,
screaming and stabbing people?


You make it sound like my old school.


I want all of the bazookoids,
safety's off, ready to fire.


All of the bazookoids are back
on Red Dwarf sir.


(EXHALES) Have we got any guns with us?


Just your staple gun, sir.


Fill her up.


Hey.


Cryo booths.


Look at this.


Vlad the Impaler: Cured.'


Joseph Stalin: Cured.'


Messalina: Cured.'


Adolf Hitler: Cured.'


Rupert Murdoch:


not responding to treatment.'


Hitler?


Isn't he dead?


I thought he died playing golf.


He was in Berlin, you goit, in a bunker.


He poisoned his partner
and shot himself.


Huh. Golf can do that to you.


All these people
are from ancient history.


Where did they get them from?


It appears they tracked down
their descendants,


and then,
with DNA regression technology,


travelled back, down the ancestral line


via their mitochondrial DNA,


and recreated them.


But Hitler didn't have any kids.


His ancestral line died with him.


I read this conspiracy book once,


and it proposed the theory that
at the end of the second World War,


Hitler killed his wife
and his body double,


to make it look as if
he committed suicide.


Then, he snuck off to Argentina
in a stolen U-boat,


with art treasures looted
from the museums of Europe.


Hitler... the more you hear about that guy(!)


The story went,
that when he reached Argentina,


he had kids there.


Well, there's a long held belief that
memories are indeed encoded


in DNA, sir,
and passed down the ancestral line.


It explains why humans have


seemingly inexplicable phobias.


- Like?
- Fear of rats, for example.


Fear of rats. Descendants beware,


- they spread bubonic plague.
- Precisely.


Fear of clowns?


Descendants beware, of weird looking
children's entertainers.


They can be really dodgy.


So who's this Messalina?


The third wife
of the Roman Emperor, Claudius.


Possibly the most depraved,


brutal and murderous nymphomaniac
in history.


Not all bad, then.


These are some of the most damaged
and deranged humans who ever lived.


They are worse than
the 1970s Leeds United team.


So how do they cure these people?


In people labelled 'evil,'


a misfiring gene,


has often turned empathy off.


So they can just flick it back
on like a light switch?


It's as easy as that?


Hey, light switches can be tricky.


I don't always get them first time.


There's another cryo booth here.


Professor Shaul Telford.
Maybe he can help us.


KRYTEN: I suggest we release
the Professor


and ask him if they have the tech here,
to repair the thruster.


Hey, this one's empty.


TELFORD: Indeed it is.


Good day, gentlemen.


Your arrival here
automatically triggered


the cryo booths to release mode.


Wait, when you said, we automatically
triggered the cryo booths,


did you mean, all the cryo booths?


You have nothing to fear.


My patients have been cured
for many centuries.


Come.


Join us for lunch.


Let me introduce you. Joseph Stalin.


Privyet. Call me Joe. (LAUGHS)


- Adolf Hitler.
- Please, call me, Dolphy.


No Mein Fuhrers, that's the old me.


- Messalina.
- Call me, uh,


anytime.


(STALIN, HITLER LAUGHING)


HITLER: She is such a joker.


It is so lovely for us to have guests.


Some wine? Let me be Mutter.


Now, appetizers?


Pumpernickel canap├ęs? We just got them
out of cryo. I made them myself.


Dragonfruit?


That's a keeper.


Oh, and you must try his puddings.


Dolphy makes
the most divine choux pastry.


Oh, Messie, please,
you're embarrassing me.


She's terrible.


(LAUGHING)


Oh, sorry, I'm late.


- May I sit here?
- Sure.


I'm Vlad. The Impaler.


Ah. Are you on your own
or is there a Mrs. The Impaler?


What about all the other scientists?


I mean, surely you weren't
here on your own.


Well many years ago they sent
a Special Task Force to eliminate us.


But with our pooled skills,
we managed to survive.


Why would they try to eliminate you?


A cure for evil would mean
an end to War.


An end to war would mean
no Arms industry.


Which would mean, trillions of lost
dollar-pounds.


The First World economy would slump.


The Second and Third world economy
would boom.


There would be no one to exploit.


Society wouldn't work any more.


Yes, they couldn't allow
the end of evil to happen.


So they marooned us here,


with no hope of getting back to Earth.


But enough. Let us eat.


There's much to do.


After lunch, we must show you
our engineering department.


In the meantime, a toast.


To new friends.


ALL: New friends.


New friends.


HITLER: Selfie. (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)


(WIND BLOWING)


(METAL CLINKING)


Tea?


Or, as you English, say,


Would you like a nice cup of cha?"


I'm fine, thanks.


I hope you don't mind me saying this,
but I just totally adore your jacket.


Where did you buy it?


London? Paris?


New York?


I bought it in a second-hand shop
on Mimas, and then I painted it myself.


Nein way.


Your manipulation
of the palette is dazzling.


And your use of saturated colours
to celebrate the counter culture


spirit of the piece is so...


Chic and fun.


That's what I was going for.


It so works.


Did you go to art school?


Yeah.


(EXCITEDLY) Get out of town!
I went to art school, too.


Well, I applied
but they wouldn't take me.


You probably didn't fail enough exams.


(LAUGHING)


- You still paint?
- Not so much


since I was reincarnated, I'm trying to
explore other sides of myself.


I play guitar now.


Get out of town! I play guitar.


You are Scheissering me?!


We should jam sometime.


Yeah. Maybe.


Are you waiting for these pieces to dry?
How about now?


Look I can't jam with you, OK?


It's because I'm Hitler, isn't it?


Look, I admit I was evil.


But it is a disease, I'm cured now.
Really, I am.


What is it they say?


To err is human,


to forgive, divine...'


I can't jam with you,
Is cause I haven't got my guitar.


I got a bunch of guitars in my quarters.


Hi. We didn't get much
of a chance to talk at lunch


so I brought you some milk.


Don't even think about it, lady.


I know all about your murderous,
poisoning, nympho-seducing ways,


so let me tell you right now.


This, is off limits.


- All right.
- I know this is gonna be hell for you.


Like dangling the world's juiciest steak
in front of a starving pitbull.


But you're just gonna have
to accept the fact


that no matter how much you want it


you ain't getting it. Got it?


That's fine.


Now, I'm going to be working,
which means I may be bending down a lot.


I might even get sweaty and have to pop
of my shirt. Now if that happens,


I suggest you fashion some sort of bib,
to catch the drool.


Otherwise, we're gonna be slipping
and sliding all over the place


Look, you do not need to worry because
I'm really not interested in you.


- You're not interested?
- No.


In me?


Not in the slightest.


We are talking about me, right?


You're just, uh...


not my type.


Not your type!


Every type's your type.
Your type's every type.


(UPSET) How am I not your type?


You just don't ping my bell.


Ping your bell!!


You know what, lady. They were right.


You are crazy.


(CAT SOBS)


(GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING)


# I like to go


# A-wandering


# Around the mountain track


- # And as I go I like to sing
- # And as I go I like to sing


- # With a knapsack on my back
- # With a knapsack on my back


- # Valderi
- # Valderi


- # Valdera
- # Valdera


- # Valderi
- # Valderi


# Valdera hahahahaha


- # Valderi
- # Valderi


- # Valdera
- # Valdera


BOTH: # With a knapsack on my back


BOTH: # Knapsack on my back


# I like to go a-wandering


BOTH: # Around the mountain track


BOTH: # And as I go I like to sing


# With a knapsack on my back


- # Valderi
- # Valderi


- # Valdera
- # Valdera


- # Valderi
- # Valderi


BOTH: # Valdar a hahahaha


- # Valderi
- # Valderi


- # Valdera
- # Valdera


BOTH: # With a knapsack on my back