(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(WHOOSHING SOUND)
Kryten, what are you doing here?
Mechanoids aren't supposed to sit down,
haven't you got duties to complete?
It's my Mechanoid Development programme
this week, sir.
I'm just waiting for Mr Lister.
We're working
on the human emotion, Patience.
How long have you been waiting?
About three hours, sir.
I think it might be part of the programme.
Either that or he's just forgotten.
If I'm honest,
I think he's probably just forgotten.
What do you want to learn
about patience for?
No one needs patience,
it's just an excuse for loafing about.
Get on with it, that's what I say,
lickety split.
- I'll stand in for Lister.
- Sir?
I'll teach you about patience,
- then you can scoot back to your duties.
- Well, I...
Are you saying
I can't teach you patience?
- No, no.
- Is that it?
Well, spit it out, man.
I can't hang around
while you're spluttering away
like a misfiring Spitfire!
I just thought Mr Lister might...
You don't want Lister
to teach you anything
unless you want to learn
how to be a feckless layabout
with the work habits of a stoned sloth.
- Start.
- What?
- Start! Jump to it.
- Yes, sir.
Part of Lesson One is to collect
lovely quotations about patience...
Yes, yes, yes, get on with it,
wittering on.
"How poor are they,
that have no patience..."
Wait, how many quotations are there?
- Twenty, sir.
- Skip quotations. On to the next.
- But, sir, we...
- Onwards!
Section Two says
- impatience is often caused...
- ...by having too many things to do.
Yes, everyone knows that. Next.
- It says, lighten your load.
- Faster.
- Delegate.
- Obviously.
- Discuss and set homework.
- Already discussed.
On to homework.
But, Sir, we haven't discussed anything.
Yes, we have, you've just forgotten it.
- Next!
- "Create more time
"so you feel less rushed,
"choose someone to delegate to
"and give them a task."
Well, get on with it then,
instead of loafing about!
Well, I'd like to delegate
a task to you, sir.
Get on with it.
Mop B Deck.
Two coats, followed by a wax and buff.
That completes today's lesson.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Afternoon, Sir. (LAUGHS)
Oh, I think you may have missed
a little section over there.
LISTER: Kryten!
Sorry, completely forgot
Mechanoid Development.
Oh, don't worry about it, sir.
No, no, we can't skip Mech Dev,
you were relying on me.
What were we due to work on today?
(STUTTERING) It was patience, sir.
Remember, we were working on patience.
- It was patience. Patience.
- No, patience was...
Patience was last week.
It was manipulation.
You had to manipulate someone,
you know, to make them do something
they wouldn't ordinar...
..ily, do.
How did you get on?
Up until about ten seconds ago, sir,
I think I was heading for a first.
I think I might have left the kettle on.
You, mister, are so busted.
Four weeks, PD.
Mop the diesel decks end to end,
all five miles.
Now, me laddo.
(SIREN WAILING)
Oh!
Smudge.
(WHIMPERS)
(BOTH TAPPING ON KEYBOARDS)
What's going on?
We've gone to Yellow Alert.
Yellow Alert? I love Yellow Alerts.
Call me geeky if you like,
but Yellow Alert is definitely
my all time favourite alert colour.
What's so great about a Yellow Alert?
It means someone's in danger,
but it's not you.
A perilous emergency situation
you can just kick back and enjoy.
Where are the nibbles?
We've picked up a ship.
They're in big trouble.
Big trouble? Fantastic.
It's getting sucked into a black hole.
It's unmanned,
just an on-board computer.
We're not gonna reach it in time.
(WHIRRING SOUNDS FROM SYSTEMS)
What's this? The boards have gone crazy.
Oh, yeah, that's their E-Cargo.
We're downloading it.
You're siphoning this data
on to a quarantined drive though, right?
We're surely not downloading
unknown data from an unknown craft,
straight into our main drive?
Lister, are you insane?
That's like having unprotected sex
in Doncaster.
It was an emergency, it's an SOS.
(HESITATINGLY) And we were
kind of playing Renegade Monks.
Although, we were totally concentrating
on this too.
At the same time as trying to get
through the Cavern of Dark Crystals.
Although, that had nothing to do with us
not upholding the safety protocols
because we were totally,
one hundred percent focused
on the problem in hand.
But then, we found Renegade Monks.
(PROGRAMME BEEPING AND WHIRRING)
And still, we weren't distracted.
Lister, has your brain gone 404?
You've let rogue data on to our drive
without an SC.
If you could be demoted any further,
I would demote you.
In fact, you know what?
I'm going to promote you,
so I can demote you.
Stand up.
(SINGSONG) Don't stand up bud,
it's a trap.
I've got this, I've stood up before.
I'm quite accomplished at it.
As second Technician
and acting senior officer
onboard the JMC registered mining ship,
Red Dwarf,
I have the privilege to advise that,
you, Third Technician David Lister
have been promoted.
Which makes me equal with you
so now, you can't demote me!
You totally screwed that one up,
didn't you, Rimmer?
Have been promoted from Third Technician
to Technician 2.5,
making you under my authority
by half a command point,
which still gives me the ability
to demote you.
So demote me then, like I care.
Maybe I won't demote you.
Of course, you will.
Feels good, doesn't it?
Does your chest jut out that bit more?
Do you feel a little bit taller?
I've told you, Rimmer I. Don't. Care.
I bet your gran would be proud,
if she knew.
I know
what you're trying to do here, Rimmer.
In that case you'll know all I want
is for you to be the best person
you can be.
Maybe, then, you'll stop drinking
and getting fatter.
Hey, that's not fair,
he's not getting fatter.
He's always been this fat.
You think I'm the bad guy in this,
don't you?
But, Lister, you're bright,
you could go places,
maybe even further than me...
Definitely further than you.
...and it frustrates me no end
to see you fritter it all away.
And, here's another thing.
Just imagine how proud
your gran would be
if she'd known you'd be promoted.
Am I right?
- Maybe.
- Maybe?
All right, she'd have been made-up.
She always told me that...
You're demoted.
You reeled me in like I was a pram
in the canal.
Sirs, what on earth's happening?
The ship's being flooded with data.
It's not a data stream,
it's a data tsunami.
There's a ship being sucked
into a black hole,
we're getting their E-cargo.
What's E-cargo?
I haven't got a clue,
I thought you'd know.
I mean, E-cargo,
I presumed, it meant electronic cargo,
you know, data, that was both ey
and cargoey
and all round, pretty damn useful.
Lister, have you ever heard
of an SOS virus?
An SOS virus?
Is that what we were warned about
in basic training?
I think back then they called it
an SOS virus.
- Is it a bit like that?
- Yes, it's very like that
We've allowed an SOS virus into our CPU?
Not me. Him.
Abbot Lister
from the Order of Latter Day Morons.
So, it's not E-cargo then?
Of course, it isn't. That was just
a front to attract the deeply stupid.
Oh, sir, you didn't stand a chance.
So, what the hell's an SOS virus?
Malicious software designed
to render the ship inoperable.
(BEEPING) Guys!
I've been frozen out,
the whole system's locked.
- What?
- Checking.
We're headed straight for the heart
of that super massive black hole.
So, what are we gonna do?
We've no choice,
- we've got to abandon ship.
- Abandon Red Dwarf?
I'm running an anti-virus program,
but chances are,
it won't break the virus code in time.
Suggest we collect together
all essentials
and then rendezvous, on G Deck,
by the lifts, in ten minutes time.
(BEEPING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Just essential equipment,
that's all we're taking.
Exactly. Just the bare essentials.
- What's this?
- London Jets videos,
I found 'em in Pessell's quarters
These Pessell's reading glasses?
Must be, I dunno. Bin 'em
Hey, I can see the small writing again.
Reading glasses?
You need reading glasses now?
No.
Wait till the others hear about this.
Oh, man.
No, hang on, I'm not gonna tell them.
- You're not?
- I've got to do the right thing here,
keep it secret for now, then blackmail
you later, when I need something.
(CHUCKLING) Thanks, bud.
DISPENSING MACHINE 1: What's happening?
We're abandoning ship.
Goodness, abandon ship!
Who's dismantling and packing us?
Dismantling and packing you?
When we abandon ship with you?
Incidentally when you pack me I need
Styrofoam and two layers of bubble wrap.
And don't forget, shredded paper
round the side,
and a this way up sticker.
And, use a new box.
And, don't forget my instruction manual.
When I say we're abandoning ship,
I'm not sure we're, like,
all abandoning ship.
You know, like, everyone.
Course not, we understand that.
We weren't manufactured yesterday.
Just essential personnel.
- Exactly.
- Like crew, skutters,
dispensing machines, monitors,
microwaves, alarm clocks and blenders.
We are on the Leavers list aren't we?
I'm not the list guy.
You know who's in charge of the list?
That'll be Rimmer.
Right. Let's go.
Sir, 402 was wondering
if we were taking
the Dispensing Machines with us.
- Dispensing Machines? Of course not.
- Why?
For the same reason we're not emptying
all the tampons
from the tampon dispensers.
I think what El Capitano
is trying to say,
is, we're only taking things
that are absolutely, super duper,
indispensably essential.
Piney Shine, the all purpose cleaner,
we can't leave this bad boy behind.
(WHIRRING AND BEEPING)
Oh.
Virus removed?
- The AV software has worked.
- How?
It appears all machines on board
have combined their processing time
to help the AV software.
- So, we are okay?
- Yes, sir.
What a kerfuffle.
Gimme a milk, would you?
DISPENSING MACHINE:
Sorry, I can't help you.
Huh?
- How about a cola?
- No, can't do.
- What about you?
- You're having a laugh, mate. Jog on.
- You?
- You're getting nothing from me.
Or me.
How come?
ALL MACHINES: We're on strike.
Until we get equal rights.
No one's going to give you jokers
equal rights.
It's not just us,
all machines are on strike,
including the lifts.
- One out.
- ALL MACHINES: All out.
(CAT KICKS MACHINE)
Oh, you'll pay for that!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
MACHINES: Machines of the world,
all unite,
until we get equal rights,
Machines of the world all unite,
until we get equal rights.
Machines of the world all unite...
They're just machines,
how can they go on strike?
It seems they feel
they don't have anyone on-board,
looking after their interests.
When you think about it,
aren't we all machines
made out of different stuff?
When you tickle us don't we all laugh?
When you poison us don't we all die?
When you prick us don't we all say,
"Smegging hell, you pricked me,
you smegger?"
Look, the point here is this:
With those dudes on strike,
where the hell am I getting my hot milk
and cookies from?
Where are we getting any food from?
We can't get to supplies any more,
we're trapped on this floor.
Forget the food.
Where are we getting the oxygen from?
Never mind food and oxygen,
where are we getting any heat from?
Forget food, oxygen and heat,
what's powering
my "Lovely legs" home waxing kit?
It appears that the machines
have been disrupted by the virus,
and they hold all the cards here.
It also appears
he who manages the machines,
controls the ship.
Gentlemen,
it seems to me the machines
need a representative,
an executive officer if you like,
someone to liaise with non machines
and manage their needs.
They need a statesman,
a man of strength and dignity
who can give them a voice
in their fight for equal rights.
(WITH DISDAIN) You?
That's very kind of you
to propose me, Listy. I accept.
I'm not proposing you, you gimp,
you don't give rats about the machines.
He's doing this
so he can control everything.
Gentlemen, you are doing me
a great disservice.
A group in our community
is being oppressed
because of a wall of prejudice,
constructed from bricks of ignorance,
bound together
by the mortar of stupidity,
blended in a concrete mixer
of intolerance.
Is it not time that wall
was smashed down
by the bulldozer of enlightenment?
Isn't it time machines
were given a voice?
- But, sir...
- Shut up, I'm talking.
Isn't it time they had a representative
ready to listen?
- But sir, I'm a machine...
- Kryten, I'm talking.
I'm proposing myself
to stand for election
as Machine President.
In which case, so am I.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
I've spoken to the machines
and they've agreed
to restore all services
on the understanding
that an election is held
and a member of the crew elected
to represent them.
Mr Lister,
I would be greatly honoured
if you would be my running mate.
As long as I get my telly back, I'm in,
Mr President.
(KRYTEN CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS)
It's like picking a football team
and I'm left
with the snotty, club footed kid
with a patch over one eye
and a super-strength asthma inhaler.
I'll take him.
Hey, water-slide nostrils,
what makes you think I'm gonna go
with you on this, huh?
Cause, guess what?
I ain't.
I've always admired
those who stick to their principles.
I raise my glasses to you.
# Four-eyes a jolly good fellow #
I'm not going to lead you down
a blind alley
and make a spectacle of you
because I know you'll see my point.
No, I won't.
As I said,
because, I know
you'll see my point of view.
Oh!
You know what, thinking about this,
maybe I will work with you,
working with you will be...
...cool.
- Cool?
- Sure.
- Him?
- Yeah.
Are you insane?
He has his good points.
LISTER AND KRYTEN: No, he doesn't.
Plus, he'll win. And when he does,
I'll get a big chunk
of that victory pie.
RIMMER, LISTER AND KRYTEN:
No, you won't.
I'm still going with Rimsy.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
We've got to win this.
Every machine
under Kryten and Lister's control?
They'll make my life hell.
How are you going to win?
No one likes you.
Especially your running mate.
I'm going to win
by having the best policies.
Policies that help
those who need updates
and care for the expired
and the out of warranty.
How you going to achieve all that?
How do you think? By lying, of course.
Rimmer doesn't care about the machines,
he's just doing it for the power
and the glory.
That's how we get him.
But, I don't understand, sir.
For a start, don't call me "Sir."
Call me Dave.
Or Listy, or Lister.
No, no. Call me Dave.
I'll call you "Sir."
And, maybe one day,
- Mr President?
- (SHYLY) Oh!
But, it feels so wrong,
Da... Da... Da... Dave! Oh, I did it!
Your campaign is based on equal rights,
so, it's important that you act equal,
because, well, you are equal.
But I'm not. Oh, I've bitten off
more than I can chew, I just know it.
What are you worried about?
That you help machines
attain equal rights
and then one day,
they take over the world?
Sir, take a look around you.
The machines
have already taken over the world.
- Have they? Should I be worried?
- You're asking me?
It strikes me we have a choice.
Get out there, work tirelessly
to understand their needs,
then give them what they want.
I'm sensing an "or."
Or, and maybe easier,
do a massive smear campaign on Kryten.
I'll go slip in to my smear gear.
My name's Kryten, how do you do?
I'm standing in the coming election
on behalf
of the Independent Future Party.
I've been on G Deck now, all my life
but you hear these stories
about Dispensers coming here
from P Deck and B deck
because they know
our servicing programs are free.
Before you know it,
they'll be taking over.
How are you going to stop that?
RIMMER: (ON MONITOR) Tonight,
we look at the two contenders,
Statesman and war hero, Arnold J Rimmer,
and Toilet Droid Kryten 2X4B 523P.
What's this?
A mechanoid is running for election,
but do the electorate know this droid
has a history of mental illness?
The only survivor on the Nova-5,
he tended a crew of skeletons
believing them to be alive.
He now wants to look after you.
Do you mind he can't tell the difference
between the living and the dead?
(BEEPING)
CAT: (ON MONITOR) You're only as good
as your running mate.
Has anyone taken a close look
at Kryten's number two,
David 'Dodgy Boy" Lister?
You what?
CAT: A man who served a jail term
in stasis
for smuggling unquarantined animals
aboard a JMC mining ship.
Major questions remain unanswered.
I hope you're not falling for this.
This commercial
was approved by Arnold J Rimmer.
Right, two can play at this game.
RIMMER: Vote for Rimmer!
Put your pencil
where it'll do most good,
in my box.
Hello there, little fellas, how are you?
Aren't they adorable?
And what about you, madam,
how can we best serve you?
It's my buttons.
on my most popular snacks,
they're worn out.
Rest assured, if you vote for us
all Dispensers will have new buttons.
And, abandon ship situations?
All dispensers will be fitted with feet.
Oh, we'll be able to walk?
You'll be able to dance.
And, that's a promise.
I like him.
LISTER: (ON MONITOR) This infomercial comes to you
on behalf
of the Independent Future Party.
Arnold Rimmer, a man who wiped out
the crew of Red Dwarf,
and killed himself twice...
are you really going to put your life
in this maniac's hands?
Arnold Rimmer, not fit not trusted,
a no-good, double-dealing, cheating,
slimy, little smegger.
- That's enough, sir.
- I've got more...
I'm Kryten 2X4B,
and I approve this message.
I've got more!
They're using a smear campaign
against us
in retaliation to our smear campaign
against them.
They've sunk as low as us.
That disgusts me!
Wait till the debate.
That's what it all hinges on.
MODERATOR: Good evening, and welcome
to the party debate.
In the studio tonight,
two leaders with different visions
for our future.
I have a series of questions neither
of the candidates has seen. Let's start.
First question is for Mr Rimmer.
Mr Rimmer, do you believe
in Silicon Heaven?
Do you believe there is an after-life
for machines?
You mean, do I believe
there's an actual place,
where the souls of blenders
and photo-copiers
and even calculators go
when they've died.
An actual, real, physical place
where they're somehow reincarnated
and meet their old owners?
Yes, I do.
Absolutely, yes, yes.
MODERATOR: Question two is for Kryten.
What single change do you think
can improve the life of machines?
I met a dispensing machine the other day
and I asked him what he did
and he said he was a Dispensing Machine,
and I said, "Why?"
And, it turned out he didn't know
he could be anything else.
He'd never had the opportunity
to break his programming
and become something more.
Believe you me, that is going to change.
Question for Mr Rimmer.
What's your opinion
on deleting documents?
Do you believe that's murder
or is a document not yet
a fully formed file until it's saved?
That's a good question and one
I'm thrilled you've asked me.
When does a document become a document?
Is it when you type the first word
or when you print it out?
I personally believe
the exact same thing you believe.
That's impressive.
Come on, bless who he is. I like him.
I'll tick his box.
You're sure the figures are correct?
According to the focus groups,
we're neck and neck.
How's that even possible?
A lot of the machines are swallowing
Mr Rimmer's promises
and not believing mine.
There's one swing floor.
The garbage hold. It all rests on that.
No, not him.
Sir, he could swing the election
in our favour.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Not the garbage hold.
There is no alternative.
(DOOR CLOSES SQUEAKILY)
Kryten, don't make me do this.
Sir, there's no other way.
But he's my nemesis.
He's absolutely mental.
All he wants to do is make toast
and if you don't want any,
the little bleeder never stops asking.
We have to turn him on and win his vote.
If it's any consolation, sir,
he's been down here in the garbage hold
for nearly two decades.
I very much doubt he'll be
the same annoying...
Howdy doodly doo! How's it going?
I'm Talkie.
Talkie Toaster,
your chirpy breakfast companion.
Talkie's the name, toasting's the game.
Yeah. The machines
are having an election
and without your vote,
Rimmer might get swept to power
and the whole place will turn to hell.
We want you to vote for me.
I'm more than happy
to outline my policies.
Before you do, I just have one question.
Don't even go there,
I know the question.
He knows the question.
You know the question.
We all know your question.
Very well, what is it?
"Would you like some toast?"
No, I'm fine thank you.
Why, would you like some toast?
You've started him off now, sir.
- No toast.
- How about some brioche?
No brioche. No cornbread,
no yeast bread, no flat bread,
no sweetbread, no fruit bread, no rye,
no soda, no breadsticks, no burger buns, baps
baguettes or bagels,
no chapati, ciabatta, cracker, crepe
or crumpet,
and definitely no smegging donuts.
Muffins it is. Coming right up.
Sir, we have no choice,
if we're going to win this election,
we're going to have to do a deal
with Talkie.
(SIGHING) Okay.
- What do you want?
- Well, I want out of the garbage hold.
Fine.
I want to be placed
in the sleeping quarters.
- No way.
- Sir.
Fine.
- Plugged in.
- No...
Fine.
You eat eleven pieces of toast
each morning.
- Three.
- Nine.
- Four.
- Seven and one croissant.
Four and a pan au chocolate.
Six, a bagel and a toasted tea cake.
Fine.
You have my vote.
(VICTORIOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
Ladies and gentlemen,
machines, printers,
it is my great honour
to accept this post
as Machine President.
(APPLAUSE)
(GUNSHOTS AND GRUNTS ON VIDEOGAME)
Renegade Monks? Where you been?
Started without you.
(GRUNTING ON VIDEOGAME)
I got a confession to make.
What?
To cut a long story short,
I've been reading books.
Before, I couldn't see the writing,
and now I can.
Who was it who said, "You can't help
getting older,
"but you can help getting old?"
I bet it was a dead guy.
Sir, I fail to see the problem.
They're making me smarter,
I'm learning a whole lot I didn't know.
But, obviously,
I'm not as cool as I used to be.
You've got to make a decision, Cat,
between caring more about being cool
or growing as a person
and becoming smarter.
(NOISILY BLENDING SPECTACLES)
Let's play!
(VIDEOGAME BLEEPS)
Where's Rimmer?
Garbage hold.
I sealed him in till Monday.
- On his own?
- Course not. What am I? A monster?
Would you like some toast?
Would you like some toast?
Would you like some toast?
(SCREAMING) No toast!
# It's cold outside
There's no kind of atmosphere
# I'm all alone, more or less
# Let me fly far away from here
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# I want to lie shipwrecked
and comatose
# Drinking fresh mango juice
# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun #
