by Ganymede & Titan

Series XII - Mechocracy - All scenes




Kryten, what are you doing here?

Mechanoids aren't supposed to sit down,

haven't you got duties to complete?

It's my Mechanoid Development programme
this week, sir.

I'm just waiting for Mr Lister.

We're working
on the human emotion, Patience.

How long have you been waiting?

About three hours, sir.

I think it might be part of the programme.

Either that or he's just forgotten.

If I'm honest,
I think he's probably just forgotten.

What do you want to learn
about patience for?

No one needs patience,

it's just an excuse for loafing about.

Get on with it, that's what I say,
lickety split.

- I'll stand in for Lister.
- Sir?

I'll teach you about patience,

- then you can scoot back to your duties.
- Well, I...

Are you saying
I can't teach you patience?

- No, no.
- Is that it?

Well, spit it out, man.

I can't hang around
while you're spluttering away

like a misfiring Spitfire!

I just thought Mr Lister might...

You don't want Lister
to teach you anything

unless you want to learn
how to be a feckless layabout

with the work habits of a stoned sloth.

- Start.
- What?

- Start! Jump to it.
- Yes, sir.

Part of Lesson One is to collect
lovely quotations about patience...

Yes, yes, yes, get on with it,
wittering on.

"How poor are they,
that have no patience..."

Wait, how many quotations are there?

- Twenty, sir.
- Skip quotations. On to the next.

- But, sir, we...
- Onwards!

Section Two says

- impatience is often caused...
- having too many things to do.

Yes, everyone knows that. Next.

- It says, lighten your load.
- Faster.

- Delegate.
- Obviously.

- Discuss and set homework.
- Already discussed.

On to homework.

But, Sir, we haven't discussed anything.

Yes, we have, you've just forgotten it.

- Next!
- "Create more time

"so you feel less rushed,

"choose someone to delegate to

"and give them a task."

Well, get on with it then,
instead of loafing about!

Well, I'd like to delegate
a task to you, sir.

Get on with it.

Mop B Deck.

Two coats, followed by a wax and buff.

That completes today's lesson.


Afternoon, Sir. (LAUGHS)

Oh, I think you may have missed
a little section over there.

LISTER: Kryten!

Sorry, completely forgot
Mechanoid Development.

Oh, don't worry about it, sir.

No, no, we can't skip Mech Dev,
you were relying on me.

What were we due to work on today?

(STUTTERING) It was patience, sir.
Remember, we were working on patience.

- It was patience. Patience.
- No, patience was...

Patience was last week.

It was manipulation.
You had to manipulate someone,

you know, to make them do something

they wouldn't ordinar...

..ily, do.

How did you get on?

Up until about ten seconds ago, sir,
I think I was heading for a first.

I think I might have left the kettle on.

You, mister, are so busted.

Four weeks, PD.

Mop the diesel decks end to end,
all five miles.

Now, me laddo.






What's going on?

We've gone to Yellow Alert.

Yellow Alert? I love Yellow Alerts.

Call me geeky if you like,

but Yellow Alert is definitely
my all time favourite alert colour.

What's so great about a Yellow Alert?

It means someone's in danger,
but it's not you.

A perilous emergency situation
you can just kick back and enjoy.

Where are the nibbles?

We've picked up a ship.
They're in big trouble.

Big trouble? Fantastic.

It's getting sucked into a black hole.

It's unmanned,
just an on-board computer.

We're not gonna reach it in time.

What's this? The boards have gone crazy.

Oh, yeah, that's their E-Cargo.
We're downloading it.

You're siphoning this data
on to a quarantined drive though, right?

We're surely not downloading

unknown data from an unknown craft,
straight into our main drive?

Lister, are you insane?

That's like having unprotected sex
in Doncaster.

It was an emergency, it's an SOS.

(HESITATINGLY) And we were
kind of playing Renegade Monks.

Although, we were totally concentrating
on this too.

At the same time as trying to get
through the Cavern of Dark Crystals.

Although, that had nothing to do with us

not upholding the safety protocols

because we were totally,
one hundred percent focused

on the problem in hand.

But then, we found Renegade Monks.


And still, we weren't distracted.

Lister, has your brain gone 404?

You've let rogue data on to our drive
without an SC.

If you could be demoted any further,
I would demote you.

In fact, you know what?

I'm going to promote you,
so I can demote you.

Stand up.

(SINGSONG) Don't stand up bud,
it's a trap.

I've got this, I've stood up before.
I'm quite accomplished at it.

As second Technician
and acting senior officer

onboard the JMC registered mining ship,
Red Dwarf,

I have the privilege to advise that,
you, Third Technician David Lister

have been promoted.

Which makes me equal with you
so now, you can't demote me!

You totally screwed that one up,
didn't you, Rimmer?

Have been promoted from Third Technician
to Technician 2.5,

making you under my authority
by half a command point,

which still gives me the ability
to demote you.

So demote me then, like I care.

Maybe I won't demote you.

Of course, you will.

Feels good, doesn't it?

Does your chest jut out that bit more?
Do you feel a little bit taller?

I've told you, Rimmer I. Don't. Care.

I bet your gran would be proud,
if she knew.

I know
what you're trying to do here, Rimmer.

In that case you'll know all I want

is for you to be the best person
you can be.

Maybe, then, you'll stop drinking
and getting fatter.

Hey, that's not fair,
he's not getting fatter.

He's always been this fat.

You think I'm the bad guy in this,
don't you?

But, Lister, you're bright,

you could go places,
maybe even further than me...

Definitely further than you.

...and it frustrates me no end
to see you fritter it all away.

And, here's another thing.

Just imagine how proud
your gran would be

if she'd known you'd be promoted.

Am I right?

- Maybe.
- Maybe?

All right, she'd have been made-up.
She always told me that...

You're demoted.

You reeled me in like I was a pram
in the canal.

Sirs, what on earth's happening?

The ship's being flooded with data.

It's not a data stream,
it's a data tsunami.

There's a ship being sucked
into a black hole,

we're getting their E-cargo.

What's E-cargo?

I haven't got a clue,
I thought you'd know.

I mean, E-cargo,

I presumed, it meant electronic cargo,

you know, data, that was both ey
and cargoey

and all round, pretty damn useful.

Lister, have you ever heard
of an SOS virus?

An SOS virus?

Is that what we were warned about
in basic training?

I think back then they called it

an SOS virus.

- Is it a bit like that?
- Yes, it's very like that

We've allowed an SOS virus into our CPU?

Not me. Him.

Abbot Lister
from the Order of Latter Day Morons.

So, it's not E-cargo then?

Of course, it isn't. That was just
a front to attract the deeply stupid.

Oh, sir, you didn't stand a chance.

So, what the hell's an SOS virus?

Malicious software designed
to render the ship inoperable.


I've been frozen out,
the whole system's locked.

- What?
- Checking.

We're headed straight for the heart
of that super massive black hole.

So, what are we gonna do?

We've no choice,

- we've got to abandon ship.
- Abandon Red Dwarf?

I'm running an anti-virus program,

but chances are,
it won't break the virus code in time.

Suggest we collect together
all essentials

and then rendezvous, on G Deck,
by the lifts, in ten minutes time.



Just essential equipment,
that's all we're taking.

Exactly. Just the bare essentials.

- What's this?
- London Jets videos,

I found 'em in Pessell's quarters

These Pessell's reading glasses?

Must be, I dunno. Bin 'em

Hey, I can see the small writing again.

Reading glasses?
You need reading glasses now?


Wait till the others hear about this.

Oh, man.

No, hang on, I'm not gonna tell them.

- You're not?
- I've got to do the right thing here,

keep it secret for now, then blackmail
you later, when I need something.

(CHUCKLING) Thanks, bud.

DISPENSING MACHINE 1: What's happening?

We're abandoning ship.

Goodness, abandon ship!
Who's dismantling and packing us?

Dismantling and packing you?

When we abandon ship with you?

Incidentally when you pack me I need
Styrofoam and two layers of bubble wrap.

And don't forget, shredded paper
round the side,

and a this way up sticker.

And, use a new box.

And, don't forget my instruction manual.

When I say we're abandoning ship,

I'm not sure we're, like,
all abandoning ship.

You know, like, everyone.

Course not, we understand that.

We weren't manufactured yesterday.

Just essential personnel.

- Exactly.
- Like crew, skutters,

dispensing machines, monitors,
microwaves, alarm clocks and blenders.

We are on the Leavers list aren't we?

I'm not the list guy.

You know who's in charge of the list?
That'll be Rimmer.

Right. Let's go.

Sir, 402 was wondering

if we were taking
the Dispensing Machines with us.

- Dispensing Machines? Of course not.
- Why?

For the same reason we're not emptying
all the tampons

from the tampon dispensers.

I think what El Capitano
is trying to say,

is, we're only taking things

that are absolutely, super duper,
indispensably essential.

Piney Shine, the all purpose cleaner,

we can't leave this bad boy behind.



Virus removed?

- The AV software has worked.
- How?

It appears all machines on board

have combined their processing time
to help the AV software.

- So, we are okay?
- Yes, sir.

What a kerfuffle.

Gimme a milk, would you?

Sorry, I can't help you.


- How about a cola?
- No, can't do.

- What about you?
- You're having a laugh, mate. Jog on.

- You?
- You're getting nothing from me.

Or me.

How come?

ALL MACHINES: We're on strike.

Until we get equal rights.

No one's going to give you jokers
equal rights.

It's not just us,

all machines are on strike,
including the lifts.

- One out.
- ALL MACHINES: All out.

Oh, you'll pay for that!


MACHINES: Machines of the world,
all unite,

until we get equal rights,

Machines of the world all unite,

until we get equal rights.

Machines of the world all unite...

They're just machines,
how can they go on strike?

It seems they feel
they don't have anyone on-board,

looking after their interests.

When you think about it,

aren't we all machines
made out of different stuff?

When you tickle us don't we all laugh?

When you poison us don't we all die?

When you prick us don't we all say,

"Smegging hell, you pricked me,
you smegger?"

Look, the point here is this:

With those dudes on strike,

where the hell am I getting my hot milk
and cookies from?

Where are we getting any food from?

We can't get to supplies any more,

we're trapped on this floor.

Forget the food.
Where are we getting the oxygen from?

Never mind food and oxygen,
where are we getting any heat from?

Forget food, oxygen and heat,

what's powering
my "Lovely legs" home waxing kit?

It appears that the machines
have been disrupted by the virus,

and they hold all the cards here.

It also appears
he who manages the machines,

controls the ship.


it seems to me the machines
need a representative,

an executive officer if you like,

someone to liaise with non machines
and manage their needs.

They need a statesman,

a man of strength and dignity

who can give them a voice
in their fight for equal rights.


That's very kind of you
to propose me, Listy. I accept.

I'm not proposing you, you gimp,
you don't give rats about the machines.

He's doing this
so he can control everything.

Gentlemen, you are doing me
a great disservice.

A group in our community
is being oppressed

because of a wall of prejudice,

constructed from bricks of ignorance,

bound together
by the mortar of stupidity,

blended in a concrete mixer
of intolerance.

Is it not time that wall
was smashed down

by the bulldozer of enlightenment?

Isn't it time machines
were given a voice?

- But, sir...
- Shut up, I'm talking.

Isn't it time they had a representative
ready to listen?

- But sir, I'm a machine...
- Kryten, I'm talking.

I'm proposing myself

to stand for election
as Machine President.

In which case, so am I.


I've spoken to the machines

and they've agreed
to restore all services

on the understanding
that an election is held

and a member of the crew elected
to represent them.

Mr Lister,

I would be greatly honoured
if you would be my running mate.

As long as I get my telly back, I'm in,

Mr President.


It's like picking a football team

and I'm left
with the snotty, club footed kid

with a patch over one eye
and a super-strength asthma inhaler.

I'll take him.

Hey, water-slide nostrils,

what makes you think I'm gonna go
with you on this, huh?

Cause, guess what?

I ain't.

I've always admired
those who stick to their principles.

I raise my glasses to you.

# Four-eyes a jolly good fellow #

I'm not going to lead you down
a blind alley

and make a spectacle of you

because I know you'll see my point.

No, I won't.

As I said,

because, I know
you'll see my point of view.


You know what, thinking about this,