by Ganymede & Titan

Series XII - M-Corp - All scenes



KRYTEN: # Happy Birthday to you

# Happy Birthday to you

# Happy Birthday, Mr Lister

# Happy Birthday to you #


It's the big one, sir.

What, I'm thirty?

- Forty?


Oh, what am I doing? I don't want to know!

Don't want to know.
Brain, I'm not listening.

La la la la la la la. (MIMICS SINGING)

The years pass, but with them comes

the soothing balm of
new found grace and maturity.

Now eat up because
it's time for your present.

I don't need a present, Krytes.
I've got everything I need.

Sir, you've got nothing.

No life, no partner, no future.
You're so easy to shop for.


Hey bud, answer me this,

am I actually getting more good-looking?

Cause, yesterday, I was looking
at myself in the mirror

and the next thing you know, it's today.

Hey, are you even listening to me?

- (GASPING) Chest. Chest.
- Huh?

You wanna play chess?

But we're missing half the pieces,

and even the pieces we've got,
aren't all there.

And as for that horsey one.
Where the hell are his legs?

Okay, what is wrong with you today?
Why are you acting so crazy.



It's your birthday
and you have a heart attack.

It could only happen to you.
It's hilarious.

- You realize now, you'll have to retire.
- Retire?

You'll have to take it easy, stop work.

You'll probably spend most of your days
sitting in the sleeping quarters,

watching TV, having your meals
delivered to you on a tray. No, wait.

You're really loving this, aren't you?

I will be in a minute when Kryten
comes in and takes your temperature

with a rectal thermometer.

And as it's your birthday,

here's hoping he puts a candle
on the end and asks you to blow it out.

Good news, sir.

Why, even more good news,
what this time?

Mr Lister's heart is tickety-boo.

Apparently, it was
a severe indigestion attack.

I'm not sure
what could have caused that.

So, can I leave
after I've finished this?

Well. The MC says you're
no longer a medical emergency,

but as a precaution, I'd like to insert
a monitoring chip into your bloodstream.

- (BEEP)

What does it do exactly?

Why don't you ask it yourself.



I'm Chippy, your health-monitoring mate.

I'm currently travelling through
your body collecting medi-data.

Right now I'm in your heart,

trying to get down one of your arteries.


A bit of a squeeze.


- That was tight.
- Is everything okay?

Well if I'm honest I've been better,

my battery's not what it was.

I was talking about me.

Oh, I see.

Well Dave, some of your arteries have
more fur than an Eskimo clothes shop,

but diet and exercise can fix all that.

I can also monitor your improvement
by giving you daily updates

of when you're likely to die.

Would you like to know that, Dave?

(IMITATING LISTER) Er, Yes please, man.

You'll be 63, Dave.

Rimmer! I didn't want to know that!

Actually, I think I am
getting chest pains now.

You are getting chest pains, Dave.

Yeah, it's the stress of listening
to you telling me when I'm gonna die!

I'll run some tests.

I'm sure there's no cause of...
Oh, dear.

Oh, dear what?


CHIPPY: Dave, please remain calm,

but you have a giant arterial blockage
in your left coronary artery.

The stress of hearing you're
going to die has caused you to die.

Smegging hell. I'm gonna die.

Now, please call emergency services.

On second thoughts,
best not waste their time.

As I'm afraid you're going to die
right now, Dave.

Three, two, one.


What the smeg happened there?

It appears Chippy mixed up
your death with its own.


Request permission to carry out
a full investigation, sir.

Permission granted.

It seems the corrupted files were caused

because Chippy was
running off old software.

- How come?
- For several years now,

the system updates

haven't been automatically installing.

Why didn't it show up
on any of the consoles?

- A broken connection?
- Or maybe, someone unplugged something

and used them
for his heated curling tongs?

And there was a voice that said,

"Do not unplug,
software updates will not be installed."

And this dude had to make a choice
between his hair and the updates.

And he chose his hair.


- You did that?
- You've been spying on me?

Kryten, get the updates installed.

Let's see what
we've been missing out on.





Your company has been bought by M-Corp.

You probably have a lot of questions.

Who is M-Corp? What do we do?

Let's find out together.

M-Corp is the biggest multinational
conglomerate in known space.

We lead, we innovate using
our patented M-Corp port technology.

Your ship will now be stocked
with a variety of M-Corp products

to elevate your lifestyle in space.

M-Corp. We love looking after you.




Kryten, give me a hand to take some
of this stuff up to the Science Room.

Hey, look.

They even do lager!

Wow! Look at this.

6.5% ABV. Aromatic barrel-aged

- with hints of honey and citrus.
- Hmm.

I'll put these bad boys in the fridge.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, it's empty.
Where's the Leopard Lager?

They're in there. Can't you see 'em?

Erm, no!


Are you blind?

What's this?

- What's what?
- This.

Is this a wind up?
You're not holding anything.

Well, if I'm not holding a can of beer,

no beer will come out when I shake it
and pull the ring pull, right?

- Right.

- Okay


Huh? Huh?

What the smeg is going on?



I can see M-Corp beer

but I can't see any other kinds of beer.

For instance, I can see this.
But I can't see this.

With your permission, sir,
I'd like to conduct some tests.

- Can you see this?
- Yes.

And can you see this?

- No.
- Extraordinary.

- Can you see this?
- Yes.

- And finally, can you see this?


I'm just praying
that's an electric toothbrush.

- It's much as I feared, sir.
- What?

Something really weird is going on.

Well, obviously, Kryten, but what?

It appears the M-Corp upgrade

has installed some sort of
perception filter software

and you're the only one affected.

We can fix this, right?

- I do have one small fear, sir.
- What?

- Well, several small fears.
- What?

In fact, more than several fears
and they're not that small.


For now,
let's restrict it to the largest.

Which is what!

Due to the M-Corp perception software,

all non-M-Corp products
will become invisible to you.


So what's the most important thing
on board that's not M-Corp?

Well, can I be frank?

Of course, just get on with it.

The most important thing on board
that's not M-Corp is me, sir.

Diva Droid International
aren't owned by M-Corp.

M-Corp make droids, too?

Droids, space craft, light bees
for holograms, you name it.

- That doesn't include me does it?
- Well, I'm afraid it does, sir.

But you just said
the most important thing on board

that was affected by this was you.

You said I could be frank, sir.

How on earth can you be
more important than me?


I can't hear him. I can't hear Rimmer.

And you're complaining?

(SILENT) What about me?

Wait, Cat, say something else.

- CAT (SILENT) You can't hear me? He can't hear me!
- RIMMER (SILENT) He can't hear you either?

It appears the perception
filter software is kicking in, sir.

And now I'm the only... (INAUDIBLE) person you can hear...

I can't hear you either now, Kryten.
What do I do? How do I fix this?

Rimmer's become invisible.


So has Cat.

I can't hear you, Krytes.

Skip the sirs,
get straight to the point.

- You think?

At some point in the future...

you'll become invisible, too.

You think I don't know that.

M-Corp. We love looking after you.



- Oh, me guitar.







Cat, you stealing my food?
Get the hell out of here.

No, I didn't mean that.

You can have the food. Just come back.

Cat? Cat?

RIMMER: Anything on M-Corp?

They bought Earth
in the late 26th century.

Bought Earth? Bought what exactly?

They bought the entire planet, sir.

And everything on it.
Including fixtures and fittings.

Oceans, countries, animals, houses,
curtains, you name it.

They even bought
all the stuff no one likes.

Maggots, quicksand,
even the American chocolate.

Where'd they get the dough from?

M-Corp owned all the electricity
and oil and gas and wind.

Even the rain water.

But the rain water belongs to Earth.

To everyone and everything on it.

My God, I've turned into a hippy.

And the Earth dudes
just stood around and let this happen?

Well, by then, M-Corp had
introduced a law to tax thinking.

A Think Tax?

You'd have got a rebate every year.

They monitored the electrical charges
the brain consumed, firing neurons

and charged accordingly.

As the brain requires electrical charges
to do practically anything,

blink, drink, think,

no one could afford
the thinking time to fight back.

We've got to get rid of
the M-Corp update

before it takes over Red Dwarf
like it took over Earth.

But how? It's already starting
to get rid of us by making us invisible.

If we can access the ship's mainframe,

we may be able to reboot Red Dwarf
back to its factory settings.

- It sounds dangerous, I don't like it.
- What happens to me?

You'll cease to exist, sir.


It's starting to grow on me.

I have a solution, though.

We take one of your backup drives,
before the new software was loaded,

then reload you back onto
the system when we reboot.

So, I'll have lost
a month's memory, but no more.


He builds you up, then knocks you down.


ANITER: Looking for more from life?

Then why not visit us at M-Corp

for a no strings attached,
trial weekend,

served by your own artificial assistant.

Artificial assistant?

Maybe they can help me
get the guys back.

Step into the teleporter,

and let us introduce you to our world.


What's going on?

I look like a yoga instructor.

Welcome to M-Corp.

A pay-per-life,
virtual integrated environment.

Most people who come, stay forever.

I just want to switch this perception
filter off so I can see the guys again.

There are five life packages.

Platinum, Gold, Silver,
Basic and Basic Lite.

With the credits available to you, Dave,
you are eligible to purchase Basic Lite.

The worst one?

I'm on that life package already.

Basic Lite allows you
to talk to five people,

up to a cap of 200 words per day.

And what?
Then you've got to stop talking?

The average man speaks
7,000 words per day.

The average woman speaks 20,000.

So you may need to purchase more,

or alternatively,

you can wait until the following day

where you'll be eligible
to begin speaking again.

You know that's mad?

And anyway, there's no one here.
Who do I talk to?

You can purchase friends, Dave,
ideally matched to your interests.

Meet Steve.

Hi, Dave, I'm Steve.

We're going to be really good mates.

Would you like to purchase Steve, Dave?

He's just three hundred dollar-pounds?

You know you want to.


I don't want to buy Steve
or any other hobbit for that matter.