by Ganymede & Titan

Series XII - Skipper - All scenes



Hey-hey, Officer Smegski.

How's it going, non bud?

I'm busy, don't disturb me.

Last time you disturbed me,
I was doing the safety check.

And, I failed to notice
that the diesel decks were flooded.

All I said was, "Help, I'm on fire."

And it distracted me. I had to break off
from what I was doing and put you out.

I was just cooking, is that a crime?

As far as I'm concerned,
you're not allowed to cook.

You always get distracted
by your reflection in the spatula

Man, that is such a cliché.

I can look at myself in a mirror
without getting distracted.

Hey, guys.


- Cat!
- Wh... Wha... What?

(STUTTERING) Where am I?
What's happening?

You'll never guess what me
and Kryten have found.

We've been going through Human Resources

and found Captain Hollister's
crew appraisal files.

You shouldn't be reading those.
They're for the Captain's eyes only.

Why do you think we're reading them?

This is mine. Check this.

David Lister, although clearly
quite bright, is lazy, slovenly,

rebellious, unreliable,
rude and disorganized.

You hear that?
He thought I was quite bright.

How cool is that?

- Let me see mine.
- No, no, no.

He'll only read the good parts.

Lister, hand it over.

Okay. This is you.

"Arnold J Rimmer comes
from an outstanding military family,

"his three brothers
all hold positions of command

"and are hugely respected members
of the Space Corps.

"Arnold, however has not succeeded
to the same bla bla bla,

largely due to his bla bla bla bla bla,
consequently and rather tragically,

"he's found he has never attained

"any of the bla bla blas
he's set himself.

"In summary, he will never get
bla bla bla in life

"while he continues to blame everyone
for his own failings."

Blame people? I don't blame people.

And even if I do, I got that off my Mum.
She's a huge blamer.

It's not my fault
I never made anything of myself.

What chance did I stand
stuck with you lot?

How's it our fault?

You're supposed to surround yourself
with people who are brighter

and more successful than you.

You have.

Quite bright.


I'm trying to get Mr. Lister
to adopt a healthier lifestyle.

Fruit? You've got more chance

of getting a vampire
to eat garlic bread.

Goodness, have you seen this
on the mid-range scan?

It's quite terrifying!

I've told Lister a hundred times

not to use my passport photo
as the screen saver.

Front on has never been my best side.

And why he wants to blu-tack
a piece of donner kebab meat

to the screen, to make me look like
Freddie Mercury, is beyond me.

Just clean it off.

No, sir, you don't understand,
the scanner's picked something up.

What is that?

It appears that some kind of anomaly
has penetrated our universe.

I hate people who use the word anomaly,

they think they're so cool.

"Oh, look, here's an anomaly,
anomalling away.

"I'm really cosmologically 'on trend'
because I know what 'anomaly' means."

It's just a fancy-smancy word for weird.

Sir, something weird
has penetrated our universe

which appears to have caused
a giant lesion

across the space-time continuum.

Is it okay to say 'lesion', sir?
Or would you prefer me to say 'cut'?

Lesion, cuts,
they're both the same to me,

it's the people
who say continuum I can't stand.

Whatever it is, sir,
it's heading our way.

- Could we out-run it?
- (SCOFFS) Sir,

Red Dwarf can't out run a fat guy
with a backpack of uranium

who's just scoffed a family fun bucket.


What the hell was that?

Some crazy quake thing.

You think it's serious?

Listen. Unless the chick
with the really calm voice

starts talking it ain't serious.

Please remain calm.

There is no need for alarm.

It's serious. Start panicking!

CALM VOICE LADY: Can all crew
please return to their quarters,

so we can begin a body count
of the survivors.

We ain't going to no sleeping quarters.

We're going up to the science room,
find out what the hell's happening!

Damn right.

- What just happened?
- I don't know.

We were in the corridor
heading to the science room.

Let's think about this.

- Make us a coffee, would you?
- Hey, I'm a cat,

I ain't making you coffee.

Milk and two sugars, right?

Cheers, man.

I just made that?

When did I just make that?

Why did I just make that?

What the hell's going on?

I don't know, but I like it.
Got any biscuits?

I ain't getting you no biscuits.



What just happened? Is Red Dwarf okay?

Running a damage report now, sir.






As Louis the XVI might have said,
had he been in the exact same situation:

- 'Et?"
- According to the computer,

I haven't requested a damage report.

- But I just saw you request one.
- And I did, sir.

Right, new plan, let's not request
a damage report, instead...

(COMPUTER GRINDING) Results now in.

Was there some sort of time lag?


We shouldn't tell the others
until we get to the bottom of this.

Can Mr. Lister and Mr. Cat

please make their way
to the science room.

How did I get here?

I didn't see you move.

I wonder.

Permission to try an anomalous,
I mean weird, experiment, sir.

- How weird?
- Just moderately weird, sir,

say a 1989 Michael Jackson.

Now, here's what I want you to do.

Make a decision
and if my theory is correct,

when you've made the decision,

the choice you don't make
will be the result.

The choice I don't make?

I have it.

What would you like me
to throw you, sir?

This apple or this orange?

The apple.

What? That's not possible.

You threw me an apple.

Well, according to the Many Worlds
interpretation of reality,

every choice not taken results
in the formation of a new universe

that creates a new timeline

and plays out the choice not taken.

But now, due to the lesion,

we are getting the results
of the choices we haven't made

feeding back to us.

That's more than
moderately weird, Kryten.

That's more like a 1993 Michael Jackson.


So what do you think is happening?

I think I know,
but I need to test me theory.

So, test it!

Okay, you ready?


OK then.

Make my breakfast.

I ain't making you breakfast.


More bacon, bud?

I've already had breakfast.
I'm not going to eat this.


I'm going to eat this.

I don't get it.

Whatever choice you make,
the choice you don't make happens.

We should go tell Kryten
and helicopter landing pad head.

Good idea, but first tidy my bunk.

I ain't tidying your bunk!

Oh! I get it now.

Oh, do you?

- Yeah.
- Well. Polish my boots.

(HESITATINGLY) I ain't, not going
to not polish your boots.

Damn it!

You miscounted your ain't and nots.

So what's the plan?

Well, I say, let's not walk down
the corridor

and not get the lift
to the Science Room.

- And not find the others?
- Exactly.

My kind of mission, let's do nothing.


You had a choice to make
between the lift and the stairs.

I didn't think and just chose the lift.

So here we are, on the stairs.

Two hundred and twenty nine floors
above G deck.

So what are we gonna do now?

We just got to decide
not to use the lift

and continue walking down the stairs.

I think we're getting the hang
of this now. Whoo! (HOOTS)


It was instinct!

Look, if you want to call a lift,
you've got to decide not to call a lift,

and then, a lift will be called.

Hey, I'm not a moron.

Which in this reality,
makes you a moron.

It's just a question
of remembering to do the opposite.

So here's the plan,

we're gonna continue
to walk down the stairs,

we're going to continue not to go
to the science room

where we won't speak
to Kryten and Rimmer

and we definitely won't find out
what the smegging hell is going on.


Have you figured out
what's hell's happening yet?

I believe I have sir.

May I suggest, we don't stay here
and we don't discuss

- the peculiar events taking place.
- Definitely not.

I don't agree with any of that.

Are you guys nuts?

We gotta stay here and figure out
what the hell's happening.

ALL: No!

You are so not a moron.


As we all know, every single decision
every person rejects,

creates a new universe.

Which leads us to believe
there is a universe somewhere

where every possible thing
that could happen, happens.

So somewhere, there's a universe
where you get to the point?

And, a universe
where double denim with crocs is cool?

There'll probably even be a universe
where I return to my old ship

and apply for a new post.

I can just picture their faces,

"Oh, but you're just a bog bot,

"fit only for cleaning toilets."

And I say, "Just toilets?
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?

"Is that what you think?

"So, how come I can do this?"

And I take them all down
to their Science Deck

and I mop that floor.

It makes you think though,

all those decisions
you've made in your life,

somewhere, a different version of you

is living out the opposite
of all your decisions.

What a life he must be having,
that lucky bastard.

All the women who said "no" to me
in this universe, said "yes" to him.

Hmmm. All two of them.

So, what's caused this lesion?
Have we any ideas?

Well, I believe it may be a result
of an experiment I've been testing.

ALL: You?

I've been trying to create
a portable device

that allows the user to quantum skip
to other universes.

So, what's gone wrong?

It appears it's worked,

but I may have
slightly miscalculated the settings

and ripped a hole in space time.

So wait a minute,

you built a Quantum Skipper
on board Red Dwarf? How?

Well, not so much built as repaired,

it was among the tech we salvaged
from the Quantum research station

we visited last month.

So, hang on. Are you saying
if we tweak the settings,

we can fix the lesion
and Quantum skip between universes?

- Indeed.
- Why would we want to do that?

What's so great about here?

It's got me.

I can't leave, I'm the last human being
in this universe,

I've got responsibilities.

What about you Kryten?

I need to stay here
and look after Mr. Lister.

Without me, he'd fall apart
quicker than a Jabba the Hutt diet plan.

Oh, Kryten give over.

Uh, sir, that power line is live,
it's best not to suck it.


Cheers, Krytes.

Kryten, when will this Quantum skipper
be up and running?

Well, I hope to have the lesion closed
and the skipper fully functioning

in a few hours, sir.

- So, you're going then?
- Of course, I am.

It's a chance for a new life,
a fresh start.

New people. Better people.

He should do this.

Who knows, maybe
there's another universe out there

where he isn't such a giant loser.

Even with an infinite number
of universes,

that's going to take some finding.


I'm recalibrating the settings now.

(BEEPING) So, have I got a menu
to choose from?

Oh, not as such sir,

but all the dimensions

should, in some way,
be closely connected to our own

and skipping between realities should be
relatively straight forward,

although the Quantum skipper

does require recharge time
between skips.

So, what do I do
to quantum skip out of here?

Why so long? Come on, tell him!

You simply press this button here, sir

and you will be transported
to a random universe

within the multiverse.

Now, is there anything you want to say
before you go?

Well, as you know, I'm not one
for long farewell speeches,

but, I have written this.

See ya!



This is just Red Dwarf.

I thought I was going to quantum skip
somewhere good.

Morning, Arnold.

Morning, Holly.

Holly? When is this? Where am I?

It's Monday and you're in a corridor.

Anything else I can help you with?

Are you still senile?

I've never been senile.

I was a dancing cabbage for a while

but I'm over that now.

Turned out it was some corrupted files.

So you're sane again?
Have you been tested?

I'm a computer that runs the ship.

I'm tested every month.
Of course, I've been tested.

I'm always being tested.

Can you prove that?
Have you got a certificate?

Well no, I failed the tests.

I forgot to turn the paper over.

I didn't realize there were two sides.

- Bradley?
- Get back to work, Rimmer.

The crew are alive?

- Yes, Arnold.
- The original crew?

Yes, Arnold.

Captain Hollister?

Nobody's dead, Arnold.


Nobody's dead, Arnold.

Not even Petersen?

- Nobody.
- Nobody's dead? Not even Lister?

Gordon Bennett

Lister, Petersen, nobody.

Nobody is dead. Nobody is dead, Arnold.

So hang on, you're telling me
nobody's dead?