by Ganymede & Titan

Specials - The Promised Land - All scenes


Our Feral King, I implore you,
I will tell you everything.

You will?

Anything. I will answer any question.


What percentage of the universe
is made of dark matter?

Oh, I... Sorry, I didn't think it was
gonna be general knowledge.

Can I have an entertainment question?

Is the wrong answer.



You scratch my back
and I'll scratch yours.


Why did you betray me?

Oh, yeah, in fairness, it was...
it was a bad decision,

I... I wasn't thinking.

And soon you won't be breathing.



My Feral King, I am sorry
to interrupt your torturing.

We have arrested more rebels
who have been spreading

- the teachings of the Holy One.


Bring these insurgents to me.

Let me gaze upon their ugliness.

Since I seized power,
there is no other god but me.

Our economy does not work, Rodon.

Few work, none share.

It is only if we embrace the teachings
of Cloister

that we will learn there are greater
treasures looking outward than in.


Take them to the marketplace
and hang them.

Let the clowder see insurrection
will not be tolerated.

Get out of the way, you dogs.


Come on.

We'll escape,
and one day return to free our people.


I'll set a course
for the ship of our birth.

May Cloister watch over us.


LISTER: Omm...

(GARGLES) Ommmmmm...

CAT: Here he comes now.
You do the talking.

Hey, guys.

Sir, may I be frank?

For some time now we've been growing
rather concerned about you.

Me? Why?

I've noticed of late

you've been drinking slightly more
than your usual half a brewery a day.

Bend, would you, Krytes?


Also, I can't help but notice

that in the morning you've
often had a midnight snack.

It's only the odd ice-cream waffle
sandwich, some cheesy fries

and a beer milkshake.

Followed by a main course.

Not always a main course!

Sometimes I'm too drunk.

Also, sir, you've been collecting
rather a lot of junk.

- What junk? Where's junk?
- There's junk.

This isn't junk, this is antiques.
Salvage from Cargo Bay 15.

We haven't been through
any of that stuff yet.

I've already found Music For Rocking
Dads, Knitting For Beginners,

and an "I love boyband" badge
in pristine condition.

What happened to you, bud?

You're a wreck.

Then perhaps I should use my Swedish
massage chair that doesn't have batteries.

No-one is blaming you, sir.

You're carrying an enormous burden.

The future of the human race
is entirely in your, well...




And you're deflecting from the real issue
by finding false interest to distract you.

How cool is this?

What's your point, Kryten?

I have a solution, sir,
to your last-human-alive dilemma.

An issue that's clearly driving you
to the brink of insanity.

Look at this - Subbuteo!

The Partick Thistle away kit.

Someone would probably kill for this.

You're looking at him. Give me that.

Now, this is a little unconventional,
I grant you, but with the meditech

we salvaged from the Delta 7,

what I'm about to suggest
is quite possible,

so I implore you both to give it
your full and proper consideration.

Both? What's this got to do with me?

Well, sir, what if you had
a sex-change operation?

Let me finish.

And became a woman?

Let me finish.

Mr Lister and yourself
could then do the necessary.

Let me finish!

And produce a child together.

Have you been drying your head
in the tumble dryer again?

With the meditech, making you a woman

is a relatively straightforward procedure,

Involving just a few snips
and a bit of folding.

Where does the folding fit in?

Well, to make your lady garden, sir.

And with my long history with sheets,
you know how good I am at folding.

Dude, what you're suggesting
is anatomically impossible.

But with the meditech, sir,
it's perfectly possible.

Let me put it this way -

I'd never be able to get
the plane off the runway,

if you get me drift.

Wait a minute. Are you saying
if I was a woman I wouldn't be hot?

Bud, if I was a woman,
you wouldn't be in no plane,

you'd be on Apollo 13, baby!

Your tongue would be hanging out
your mouth like an old dog. (PANTS)

Cat, I wouldn't be attracted to you

if you were the most beautiful woman in
the world, cos I'm not attracted to you.

In fact, this whole crazy idea
would have a better chance of working

if it was me that had
the sex-change operation,

cause let's face it,
you'd go with anyone.

Wait, hold on. Are you saying that
you'd make a hotter woman than me?

I'd make a better woman than you.

I'm more empathetic, intuitive. I'm nicer.

Have you never seen my legs?

Cat, I'm not gonna
get in some stupid, macho

"who would make the hottest woman" barney,

- Although I know for a fact who it'd be.
- Me.

- The greatest erogenous zone is what?
- My mirror.

It's the brain,

and what with me having one,
that puts you at a huge disadvantage, guy.

Kryten, follow me.


Following you, sir.

What are you doing?

I'm following you, sir, as requested, sir.

I don't mean follow me
like you're a private eye, you imbecile.

I mean, accompany me
to my destination.

Apologies, sir.

I sometimes wonder
if you behave like a cretin on purpose,

as a means of thumbing your nose
at my authority.

- Engaging lie mode.
- (BEEP)

Lie mode engaged. Sir! I assure you
my acting like a cretin is no act.

- (BEEP)
- Lie mode, cancel.

You're lying.

- Engaging lie mode.
- (BEEP)

Lie mode engaged.
I most certainly am not, sir.

- Cancel lie mode.
- (BEEP)

I can hear you engaging lie mode.

- Did I say all that out loud?
- Yes.

I knew I needed a service.

Not now, you rusty idiot.
I need you. Follow me.

Did I say that out loud?

- Say what?
- Excellent.

That green dot thing on the scanner
screaming towards us

at near light speed, what is it?

Well, it appears to be either
some kind of ship, or a missile.


Well, allow me
to carry out some tests, sir.

What are you doing?

I'm waiting to see
if Red Dwarf explodes, sir.

If it doesn't,
I think we can presume it's a ship.

It's a ship.

- It's giving off some kind of transmission

but it's extremely faint. Any suggestions?

It's a long shot, sir, but have you
considered turning up the volume?


No-one likes a smart alex, Kryten.

It's smart aleck, sir.

Er, the phrase is
based on the exploits of Aleck Hoag,

a celebrated con artist
from 1840s New York.

That's as maybe. We still can't understand
this message, though,

can we, Mr Smarmy Pants?

The phrase is in fact
smarty-pants, sir.

- It was first used in 19...
- Just fix the distortion

before I distort you.

Distortion is usually caused by some
form of interference of the process signal.

Big words, my mechanoid friend,

but for all your cleverness, and despite
being as well hung as Action Man,

it's not really getting us anywhere,
is it?


This is an SOS distress call.
Is anyone out there?

Our ship has run out of fuel
and we're presently

hiding from our feral overlords on
a transport vessel called the Iron Star.

- Please help us. We're in great danger.

An SOS distress call?

I'll try and re-establish a link, sir.

Sod them, Kryten.

We've reached an age now where
it's time to enjoy the home comforts

and curl up by a winter fire

and keep taking our various medications
to keep us sprightly.

Not board derelict ships

and have to flee from giant genetically
engineered man-eating cheese.

Well, I'm sure
Mr Lister won't agree with you, sir.

Don't tell him, then.

In fact, erase all memory
of the distress call from your memory.

That's an order.

- Yes, sir.

Did you do it?

Did I do what, sir?

Did you erase the SOS distress call
from your memory?

We've received an SOS distress call?!

Damn, why did I say that?


erase all memory of
me asking you to erase

all memory of the SOS distress call
from your memory.

That's another order.

- Yes, sir.

- Have you?
- Have I what, sir?

Have you just done
what I asked you to do?

You mean have I fixed the distortion?

Why would I be fixing the distortion?


Sir! I think we've received
an SOS distress call!

Erase that from your memory too.
That's another order.

- Erasing distortion order, sir.

What's the last thing you remember?

You want me to follow you, sir.

How did I get here?
We were in the corridor.

I knew I needed a service!


Guys, guys, you're never gonna guess
what we've found, me and Cat.

You see, I told you it wasn't all junk
in the sleeping quarters.

I refuse to even step into
that toxic cesspit of filth.

- What have you found, sir?
- Holly's spare disk.

The defence rests.

Holly had a spare disk? Oh, where is it?

Let's get it installed.

That's his disk?

Back in the day, this was the forefront
of advanced technology.

I bet people couldn't believe

how they'd managed to cram
his entire operating system

onto such a teeny-weeny disk.

Well, hold on, where's it gonna go?

We're looking for a slot bigger than
the Incredible Hulk's butt crack.

I always wondered what this was for.

What are we waiting for?
Let's get Holly booted up!

OK, come on, bring her round.

To me, to me.


Higher, higher, higher, and push.


It still works.


It's connecting to the ship.


My name is Holly.

Holly, it's us. You're back, dude.

I am Red Dwarf's computer.

I have an IQ of 6,000.

What's wrong with him?

He's been in the cargo bay
for three million years,

leaning up against a damp wall.

That should've made him better, not worse.

Who are you? Please explain.

Ha, of course.
He's returned to factory settings.

He doesn't know who we are.

Holly, allow me to introduce myself.

I am First Technician Arnold J Rimmer, BSc SSc.

Acting Senior Officer of Red Dwarf.

This is Kryten,
an unimportant sanitation droid.

Cat - a Felis sapiens.

And Lister - a human. Or so he maintains.

I can't find any record of Kryten
or a Cat in the ship's manifest.

No record? I've won best ass on board
for 30 years straight!

That's cos they weren't
part of the original crew, Hol.

Cat descended
from domestic house cats.

And we found Kryten
on this crashed ship, the Nova 5.

He was looking after three skeletons.
Totally unhinged.

But now I'm on Red Dwarf.

Fitting right in!

Are you aware of the role I perform,
Hologram Rimmer?

You're the Red Dwarf computer, Holly.
You control the ship.

I'm also tasked with appraising
Red Dwarf's worth

to the Jupiter Mining Corporation