1 00:00:05,040 --> 00:00:09,398 (DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC) 2 00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:05,511 # To Ganymede and Titan, Yes, sir, I've been around... # 3 00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:09,719 Lister, have you ever been hit over the head with a welding mallet? 4 00:01:10,360 --> 00:01:12,920 No? Then shut up and push the trolley. 5 00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:15,199 Yes, sir, Rimmer! 6 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:18,799 Right. Corridor 159. 7 00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:21,872 (LISTER HUMS THE SAME TUNE) 8 00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:24,554 Lister, shut up! 9 00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:26,711 - I'm only humming! - Well, don't. 10 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:35,553 Lister, don't hum and don't make any stupid sounds with your cheeks. 11 00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:38,433 (CLICKS TUNE WITH HIS TONGUE) 12 00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:42,594 Lister, one more sound, anything, and you're on report, miladdo. 13 00:01:42,680 --> 00:01:44,398 What job number's this? 14 00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:47,552 (LISTER MIMES HIS ANSWER) 15 00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:50,713 Right! That's it! 16 00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:53,157 "Lister, D., Third Technician. 17 00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:56,995 "Offence: obstructing a superior technician 18 00:01:57,080 --> 00:01:59,959 "by humming, clicking and being quiet." 19 00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:03,357 When the Captain sees this, you're dead. 20 00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:05,636 - Rimmer, I'm bored! - Bored?! 21 00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:07,870 This is essential routine maintenance. 22 00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:12,557 It's absolutely vital for the well-being of this crew, this mission and this ship. 23 00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:17,791 "Dispenser 172: chicken soup nozzle clogged." 24 00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:23,271 Pass me a 14B, Lister. 25 00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:29,837 Lister, is this a 14B? 26 00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:32,958 Does it look even remotely like a 14B? 27 00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:38,273 This is a 14B, Lister. 28 00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:41,233 This is a 14F. Are you blind? 29 00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:43,630 - Who cares? - I care, Lister! 30 00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:50,834 It's my career, Lister, I'm the one who gets it in the neck 31 00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:53,150 if an officer comes along, orders chicken soup, 32 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:58,314 and gets blackcurrant cordial with blancmange, two creams and a sugar. 33 00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:02,752 Chicken soup. (THE MACHINE HUMS) 34 00:03:08,120 --> 00:03:10,236 Yep. That's working. 35 00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:13,474 It's stupid anyway, all this maintenance business. 36 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:16,678 The only reason they don't give this job to the service robots 37 00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:18,671 is they've got a better union than us. 38 00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:20,717 Lister, that is absolute nonsense. 39 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:22,791 Right. What's next? 40 00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:24,951 "Botanical gardens: faulty porous circuit. 41 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:27,839 "In corridor 147: sticking door." 42 00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:30,791 It's true, you know, though, Rimmer. 43 00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:33,269 You rank below all four of those service robots. 44 00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:35,510 Even the one that's gone absolutely mad. 45 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:38,559 Well, Lister, not for long, matey. Up, up, up! That's where I'm going! 46 00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:40,711 Not until you pass your engineer's exam. 47 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:42,871 And you won't do that because you'll just go in there and flunk again. 48 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:47,313 Lister, last time I only failed by the "narrowest" of narrow margins. 49 00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:49,790 You what? You walked in there 50 00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:52,599 wrote "I am a fish," 400 times 51 00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:54,796 did a funny little dance, and fainted. 52 00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:57,838 - That's a total lie! - No, it's not! Petersen told me. 53 00:03:57,960 --> 00:03:59,792 (MOCK SCOUSE ACCENT) "No, it's not! Petersen told me." 54 00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:03,316 Lister, if you must know. What I did was, I wrote a discourse on porous circuits 55 00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:06,677 which was simply too "radical", too "unconventional", 56 00:04:06,760 --> 00:04:08,637 too "mould-breaking" for the examiners to accept! 57 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:10,916 Yeah. You said you were a fish. 58 00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:15,077 - Is that a cigarette you're smoking, Lister? - No, it's a chicken. 59 00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:19,632 Right! You're on report. Two times in as many minutes, Lister. I don't know! 60 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:22,111 - Rimmer, Lister. - Yes, sir. 61 00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:24,316 Yo, Todhunter, get down! 62 00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:28,110 Indeed. Now, Rimmer, I'm just going through McIntyre's artifacts, 63 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:32,990 and I see that you've filed 247 complaints... against Lister. 64 00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:38,553 - Yes, sir! - That's 123 counts of "insulting a superior technician" 65 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:41,519 39 counts of "dereliction of duty", 66 00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:43,477 84 counts of "general insubordination", 67 00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:46,313 - and one count of "mutiny". - Yes, sir! 68 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:49,040 - "Mutiny", Lister? - I stood on his toe. 69 00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:52,636 - Maliciously, and with intent to wound. - It was an accident! 70 00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:56,077 Lister, I put it to you. How is it possible to stand on one small toe by accident? 71 00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:58,993 You didn't stand on my toe at all, you stood on my entire foot, 72 00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:01,720 thereby obstructing a superior technician in pursuit of vital duty. 73 00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:04,315 But the "vital duty" was him going to snap my guitar in half! 74 00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:07,552 Whereupon you leapt from the top bunk onto the whole of my right foot. 75 00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:09,950 - Alright, that's enough. - Had there been a crisis situation, Lister, 76 00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:11,633 I would have had to perform my duties hopping 77 00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:14,030 clearly putting the ship at risk, clearly, therefore mutiny. 78 00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:16,669 - Finished? - However, I'm not a vindictive man, 79 00:05:16,760 --> 00:05:18,512 so I won't intend to apply for the death penalty. 80 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,591 There are 169 people onboard this ship. 81 00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:23,991 You, Rimmer, are over one man. Why can't you two get on? 82 00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:27,630 You, see I try, sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature. 83 00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:30,234 I try to respect Rimmer and everything, but it's not easy. 84 00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:31,958 Because he's such a smeghead. 85 00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:36,312 Did you hear that, sir? Lister, do you have any conception 86 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:39,677 of the penalty for describing a superior technician as a 'smeghead'? 87 00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:43,993 Oh, Rimmer. You ARE a smeghead. 88 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:46,496 You heard that, Lister! With respect, sir, 89 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:49,231 your career's over, Todhunter, you're finished you big lig! 90 00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:56,993 We're all gathered here today to pay our last respects to George McIntyre. 91 00:05:57,080 --> 00:05:59,594 George was an excellent officer 92 00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:02,069 and as good a friend as anyone could ever hope to have, 93 00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:05,391 and he'll be missed more deeply and more completely than he could ever know. 94 00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:09,269 I now commend his ashes to the stars he loved so much. 95 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,160 Goodbye, George, we'll miss you. 96 00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:18,038 (WHOOSH) 97 00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:23,519 This is a piece of music he specially requested. Start the tape please, Holly? 98 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:28,470 # See you later, alligator In a while, crocodile... # 99 00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:31,351 There goes McIntyre. 100 00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:34,478 - #...so long! Goodbye! # - Bye George. 101 00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:39,392 - That was George! - Really, I thought it was Mary Queen of Scots! 102 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:40,993 - So anybody for a sherry? Off! 103 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:43,674 - Hey, I was watching that! - Well, tough! 104 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:48,791 You touch that guitar, Lister, I'll remove the E-string and garrotte you with it. 105 00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:52,714 Can I do anything? Is it OK if I breathe? Can I breathe? 106 00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:57,554 Lister, I have an exam tomorrow which I intend to pass! 107 00:06:57,720 --> 00:06:59,711 I know, yeah, by cheating. 108 00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:02,918 This is not cheating! It is merely an aid to memory. 109 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:05,116 It helps me marshal the facts already at my command. 110 00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:08,397 What does? Copying the entire textbooks onto your body? 111 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:11,632 Why don't you hand your body in and let them mark that? 112 00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:15,797 Lister, so you think it is easy for someone like me to become an officer? 113 00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:17,996 Someone who wasn't Academy educated? 114 00:07:18,080 --> 00:07:20,192 Someone who didn't have the right nobby background? 115 00:07:20,216 --> 00:07:22,074 Someone who didn't have the right parents? 116 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:25,358 You didn't have right parents? Whose parents did you have? 117 00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:28,676 MY parents. The wrong parents. 118 00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:32,151 I'm just saying, y'know, if you can't pass fair and square, why bother? 119 00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:35,159 Well you would, Lister, because you've no ambition, no drive. 120 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:37,595 You're perfectly content to be the lowest rank on this ship. 121 00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:41,640 I'm not the lowest rank on this ship. What about the laboratory mice? 122 00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:44,678 Tell those mice to do something and they've got to jump to it. 123 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:47,752 "Yes, Mr Lister, sir! Eee, eee, eee." 124 00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:50,430 Lister, you are a nothing. 125 00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:52,238 I'm not a nothing. I've got me plan. 126 00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:55,950 What's that, to be the slobbiest entity in the entire universe? 127 00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:58,760 No. Me Five Year Plan. 128 00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:02,151 You see, I'm going to do two more trips. I've been saving up all me pay... 129 00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:04,470 - Since when? - Since always. 130 00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:07,951 That's why I never buy any soap or deodorant or socks or anything like that. Y'know? 131 00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:10,873 Anyway, I'm going to buy meself a little farm on Fiji 132 00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:13,873 and I'm going to get a sheep and a cow and breed horses. 133 00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:20,397 - With a sheep and a cow? - No, with horses and horses. 134 00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:23,472 - On Fiji? - Yeah! The prices there are unbelievable. 135 00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:25,677 Yes, because they had a volcanic eruption, 136 00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:27,990 and now most of Fiji's three feet below sea level! 137 00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:30,151 It's only three feet. They can wade. 138 00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:34,472 That's why the animals are going to have to be quite tall. 139 00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:38,952 Nice plan, Lister! Excellent plan! Brilliant plan, Lister! 140 00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:42,556 What about the sheep? What are you going to do? Buy them water wings? 141 00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:44,958 Fit them with stilts? 142 00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:49,238 Better still, you could cross-breed them with dolphins and have leaping mutton! 143 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:52,517 Baa, pssh, baa, pssh. 144 00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:55,754 You can get a drainage grant these days. 145 00:08:55,920 --> 00:08:58,912 Why bother, Lister? You could be the first man to produce wet-look knitwear! 146 00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:02,008 Look, this is why I never, ever said anything to you 147 00:09:02,032 --> 00:09:04,039 because I knew you'd say something like this. 148 00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:06,840 Lister, you've got the brain of a cheese sandwich. 149 00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:08,911 (YOKEL VOICE) "Mornin', Farmer Lister! 150 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:13,119 "Oim just poppin' down to the shops in my submarine. Can I buy you anything?" 151 00:09:13,143 --> 00:09:14,256 (SHIPS HORN BLARES) 152 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:18,160 The "Welcome Back George McIntyre" reception is about to begin in the refectory 153 00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:20,118 George says he'd like to invite everybody 154 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:23,671 especially those who weren't able to attend his funeral 155 00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:47,155 - Have you seen Rimmer's arm? - No, I'm waiting for it to come out in paperback! 156 00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:51,596 Petersen, have you got a coin? 157 00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:56,354 I've just been shown this great new intelligence test. 158 00:09:56,440 --> 00:09:59,319 What you gotta do is force the coin onto your forehead. 159 00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:01,965 and then the more times you can bang yourself on the head 160 00:10:01,989 --> 00:10:04,554 without it falling off, the more intelligent you are. 161 00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:07,758 - You gonna go for it? - (ALL) He's going for it! 162 00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:10,476 - Are you ready? Can you feel it? - Yeah! 163 00:10:10,500 --> 00:10:11,376 - Can you feel it? - Yep! 164 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:12,416 - Can you feel it? - Yep 165 00:10:12,540 --> 00:10:15,973 - Go! (ALL) Go on, Petersen! Go for it! 166 00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:18,432 (ALL) Brrr...brrr...brrr. 167 00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:21,792 - Brrr...brrr..brrr... - Shhhh! shhhh! 168 00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:27,431 Folks, today is a day for both sadness and joy. 169 00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:31,275 Sadness for the passing away of George, and joy, 170 00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:34,751 because George is back with us... albeit as a hologram. 171 00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:37,127 Now some of you may not have travelled with a hologram before 172 00:10:37,151 --> 00:10:39,437 so I ask you to treat him as a normal man, 173 00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:42,592 because he is in every respect like George. 174 00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:46,435 He has George's personality, and George's knowledge and experience. 175 00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:49,194 Of course, he can't lift anything or touch anything, 176 00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:52,079 so I ask you to cooperate with his requests. 177 00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:55,278 And please take every care not to walk through him, 178 00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:57,351 not even when you're in a hurry. Thank you. 179 00:10:57,520 --> 00:11:00,990 (ALL) Whoa! Whoa (LISTER) Speech! Speech! 180 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:10,354 I want to thank everybody for giving me such a marvellous funeral. 181 00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:12,431 I've just seen the vid. 182 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:15,558 And I want to thank the Captain for his beautiful eulogy. 183 00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:17,512 Beautiful. 184 00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:20,149 But I still don't understand why didn't he use the one I wrote! 185 00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:27,234 This must seem pretty spooky for everyone, 186 00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:31,712 but I don't want you to think of me as someone who's dead, 187 00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:35,430 more as someone who's no longer a threat to your marriages. 188 00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:39,273 I think Joe knows what I'm talking about! 189 00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:47,795 As you know, Holly's only capable of sustaining one hologram. 190 00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:51,953 So, my advice to anyone more vital to the mission than me is: 191 00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:53,872 if you die, I'll kill you. 192 00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:02,158 Please be upstanding for the cutting of the cake. 193 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,511 Flight Coordinator George Mcintyre. 194 00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:12,353 (ALL) George! 195 00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:15,000 (LISTER GARGLES) 196 00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:23,159 OK. Just one thing before the disco. 197 00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:26,312 Holly tells me he has sensed a non-human life form aboard. 198 00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:28,393 Sir, it's Rimmer! 199 00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:32,190 We don't know what it is, Lister. So just be careful, OK? 200 00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:34,158 I'm turning you in, Rimmer. 201 00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:36,470 (GROUP) Ooooh! 202 00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:40,555 Right, they're bound to ask the right thigh, 203 00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:42,358 which is 10%. 204 00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:46,035 They must ask the left thigh, which is 20%. 205 00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:48,760 They've got to ask one of the forearms. 206 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:52,231 Which means I've passed already! Anything on the left shin's a bonus! 207 00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:57,796 Right. CUTIE: current under tension is... 208 00:12:57,880 --> 00:13:00,679 What's this? Current under tension is equal? 209 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:03,639 Current under tension is expandable? 210 00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:06,189 Current under tension is expensive? 211 00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:10,353 What does this mean? What does any of this mean? 212 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:16,791 I've covered my body in complete and utter and total absolute nonsense gibberish! 213 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:20,999 Aaaargh! Just relax, relax, relax, relax... 214 00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:25,158 Er, plus 20% of the ship's course minus 215 00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:28,790 the Pythagoras theorem multiplied by two over the x axis 216 00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:30,951 minus one equals the total velocity of Red Dwarf, 217 00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:32,553 which means I know everything about astro-engineering. 218 00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:35,109 Good morning, Lister, for probably the last time. 219 00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:38,276 You've got it all down, have you, Rimmer? 220 00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:40,476 Couple of blanks, but I think we're there. 221 00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:43,074 So you can't remember anything? 222 00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:45,237 Think what you will, Lister. 223 00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:49,791 Rimmer, F-I-S-H, that's how you spell "Fish", and you just keel over. 224 00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:52,076 I'm sure it'll all come flooding back to ya. 225 00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:55,312 Dry up, Lister. (INTERCOM HONKS) 226 00:13:55,840 --> 00:13:58,719 Will entrants for the engineer's examination, 227 00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:00,837 now make their way to the Teaching Room. 228 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:03,196 Well, Rimmer, honestly, good luck. 229 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:09,112 It's all right, Lister. I'm in complete and total control. 230 00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:19,673 Lock! Lock! 231 00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:23,197 (CAT MIAOWS) 232 00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:34,791 Frankenstein! Come on, Frankenstein! 233 00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:44,712 Oh, you're getting really big now, you know? 234 00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:48,555 I hope it's not twins. You've already got all me milk ration. 235 00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:52,599 Never mind, when the baby cat comes, maybe we can give it water and pretend it's milk. 236 00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:54,637 It's only a baby cat, it won't know, eh? 237 00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:57,394 Do you want to see my picture of Fiji again, Frankie? 238 00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,949 You're gonna love it there. Look. 239 00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:07,310 OK, everybody. You've got three hours. 240 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:10,472 No modems, no speaking slide-rules. 241 00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:12,995 Turn over and start. Good luck. 242 00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:41,337 Where's the Captain's office? 243 00:16:41,361 --> 00:16:44,033 It's over there, where it says "Captain's Office". 244 00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:47,272 - Where it's always said "Captain's Office" - So that's the Captain's office! 245 00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:49,829 - So, how are you, then? - Fine. 246 00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:51,513 Do you know what he wants to see me for? 247 00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:54,160 Yes, I think you've been promoted to Admiral... 248 00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:55,878 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah. 249 00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:58,884 For your diligence and general devotion to duty. 250 00:16:58,908 --> 00:16:59,874 Oh, yeah? 251 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:02,032 Lister! 252 00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:07,751 You asked to see me, Captain? 253 00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:12,638 - Where's the cat? - What? What cat? 254 00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:16,157 Lister, not only are you so stupid 255 00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:18,390 you bring aboard an unquarantined animal 256 00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:20,994 and jeopardise every man and woman on this ship... 257 00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:25,119 not only that, but you take a photograph of yourself with the cat 258 00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:27,669 and sent it to be processed in the ship's lab. 259 00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,839 Now, I'm gonna ask you again, do you have a cat? 260 00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:34,793 - No. - Have you got a cat? 261 00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:36,837 Yes, that one. 262 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:38,991 - Where did you get it, Titan? - Yes. 263 00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:41,720 Don't you realise that thing could be carrying anything?! 264 00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:44,792 Don't you remember what happened on the Oregon with the rabbits? 265 00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:47,918 Lister, a loose animal aboard this ship could get anywhere. 266 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,879 It could get into the air ducts. It could get into Holly. 267 00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:53,918 You know, a little nibble here and a little nibble there, Lister, 268 00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:56,640 and before you know it, we're flying backwards. 269 00:17:56,720 --> 00:17:59,234 Now, I want that cat, and I want it NOW. 270 00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:03,314 Sir, just suppose I did have a cat. Just suppose. 271 00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:05,710 What would you do with Frankenstein? 272 00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:09,669 I'd send it down to the medical centre, and I'd have it cut up and tests run on it. 273 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:12,070 Would you put it back together, when you'd finished? 274 00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:15,240 Lister, the cat would be dead. 275 00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:18,113 So, with respect, sir, what's in it for the cat? 276 00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:20,032 Lister, give me that cat! 277 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:23,909 It's not that easy as that! Me and the cat, we're gonna have a baby cat, 278 00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:26,879 and we're gonna buy a farm on Fiji, 279 00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:29,520 and we're gonna have a sheep and a cow and three horses. 280 00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:34,037 It's me plan, and no one can get in the way of it, not even you, and I do respect you. 281 00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:36,231 - ... Sir! - Oh, Lister, 282 00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:40,234 do you want to go into stasis for the rest of the trip and forfeit 18 months' wages? 283 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:42,118 - No - Do you wanna hand over that cat? 284 00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:45,158 Gordon Bennet! Yes, Chen, everybody 285 00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:48,999 Look, Dave, no one wants to go through with this. 286 00:18:49,023 --> 00:18:50,678 It's OK, I can handle it. 287 00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:55,358 - Rimmer, are you all right? - I can't really remember. 288 00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:57,431 I think I did quite well. 289 00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:02,799 - Is this going to hurt? - Haven't you ever travelled interstellar? 290 00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:04,553 - No - Ah, you don't feel a thing. 291 00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:07,439 The stasis room creates a static field of time. 292 00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:11,912 See, just as X-rays can't pass through lead, time cannot penetrate the stasis field. 293 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:14,514 So, although you exist, you no longer exist in time 294 00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:16,511 and for you time itself does not exist. 295 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:19,956 You see, although you're still a mass, you are no longer an event in space-time, 296 00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:22,680 you are a non-event mass with a quantum probability of zero. 297 00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:24,433 Oh, simple as that, eh? 298 00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:27,553 - OK, I'm ready. - See you in 18 months. 299 00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:32,437 - Holly, activate the stasis field. - OK, Frank. 300 00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:57,035 Good morning, Dave. It is now safe for you to emerge from stasis. 301 00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:58,353 I've only just gone in! 302 00:19:58,377 --> 00:20:00,909 Please proceed to the Drive Room for debriefing. 303 00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:08,351 Where is everybody, Hol? 304 00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:11,319 - They're dead, Dave. - Who is? 305 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:15,280 - Everybody, Dave. - What, Captain Hollister? 306 00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:19,035 - Everybody's dead, Dave. - What, Todhunter? 307 00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:23,353 - Everybody's dead, Dave. - What, Selby? 308 00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:26,273 They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave. 309 00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:30,715 - Petersen isn't, is he? - Everybody is dead, Dave. 310 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:35,269 - Not Chen? - Gordon Bennet! Yes! Everybody. 311 00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:38,159 - Everybody's dead, Dave. - Rimmer? 312 00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:42,234 He's dead, Dave. Everybody is dead. Everybody. Is. Dead. Dave! 313 00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:46,712 Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead? 314 00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:50,711 I should've never let him out in the first place. 315 00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:51,776 How? 316 00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:54,510 The drive plate was inefficiently repaired. 317 00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:58,753 It blew, and the entire crew was subjected to a lethal dose of Cadmium-2 318 00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:00,478 before I could seal the area. 319 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:04,918 Oh, this is terrible. And why's it so dirty around here, Hol? What is this stuff? 320 00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:07,594 That is Catering Officer Olaf Petersen. 321 00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:11,435 Aaaah! I've been eating half the crew! 322 00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:14,914 - Who's that? - That's Captain Hollister. 323 00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:18,152 - And that's Todhunter. - No, that's Second Technician Rimmer. 324 00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:22,109 Oh, yeah? I didn't recognise him without his report book. 325 00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:24,557 What was Rimmer doing in the Drive Room? 326 00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:28,395 He was explaining to the Captain why he hadn't sealed the drive plate properly. 327 00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:32,440 So wait, Hol. How long was I in stasis? 328 00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:36,275 Well, I couldn't release you until the radiation reached a safe background level 329 00:21:36,360 --> 00:21:39,079 - How long? - Three million years. 330 00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:41,356 Three million years! 331 00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:44,670 I've still got that library book. 332 00:21:46,120 --> 00:21:48,919 What about Krissie? What about Krissie Kochanski? 333 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:51,640 - She's dead, Dave. - Aw, hey! 334 00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:54,111 I don't suppose it's any consolation, but if she were 335 00:21:54,135 --> 00:21:56,670 still alive, the age difference would be insurmountable. 336 00:21:56,880 --> 00:21:59,633 She was part of me plan. 337 00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:03,236 I never got round to telling her, but she was going to come with me to Fiji. 338 00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:06,073 She was to wear a white dress and ride the horses 339 00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:10,074 and I was going to take care of everything else. It was me plan. I planned it. 340 00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:12,800 Well, she won't be much use to you on Fiji now. 341 00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:15,793 Not unless it snows and you need something to grit the path with. 342 00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:22,471 - Holly?! - Sorry. I'm sorry about that. 343 00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:26,155 I've been on me own for three million years, and I'm just used to saying what I think. 344 00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:28,960 I think I've gone a bit peculiar, to tell you the truth. 345 00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:32,033 So everyone's dead? I'm on me own? There's just me? 346 00:22:32,120 --> 00:22:35,670 - Well, technically speaking, yeah. - What do you mean, "technically speaking"? 347 00:22:38,360 --> 00:22:41,239 Hello, Lister. Long time no see. 348 00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:44,677 - Rimmer, you're a hologram! - Yes. That's because I'm dead. 349 00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:48,276 Dead as a can of Spam. And it's all thanks to you. 350 00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:52,069 - Me? What did I do? - If you hadn't kept that stupid cat, Lister 351 00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:54,208 and hadn't been sent to stasis, I would have had some help 352 00:22:54,232 --> 00:22:56,279 when I was mending the drive plate and I wouldn't be dead. 353 00:22:56,360 --> 00:22:59,273 - What does it feel like? - Death? 354 00:22:59,360 --> 00:23:02,239 It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans. 355 00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:05,314 No, I mean being a hologram. 356 00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:09,950 Do you mind? Being a hologram is fine, Lister. 357 00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:13,237 I still have the same drives, the same feelings, the same emotions, 358 00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:15,789 but I can't touch anything. 359 00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:18,872 Never again will I be able to brush a rose against my cheek, 360 00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:21,349 cradle a laughing child, 361 00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:23,909 or interfere with a woman sexually. 362 00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:27,119 Rimmer, you never used to do any of those things anyway! 363 00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:30,232 - I would have one day, murderer. - Hey! Hey! I didn't do anything! 364 00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:33,472 It was YOU who didn't fix the drive plates properly. 365 00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:35,756 - Is this me here? - Yeah. 366 00:23:35,780 --> 00:23:38,514 - Me? - Come on, Rimmer, look on the bright side. 367 00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:41,274 The bright side? What bright side? 368 00:23:41,360 --> 00:23:44,079 I'm dead. I'm composed entirely of light, 369 00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:46,367 and I'm alone in space with a man who'd lose a battle 370 00:23:46,391 --> 00:23:48,597 of wits with a stuffed iguana. Where's the bright side? 371 00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:50,871 What's an iguana? 372 00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:53,839 Look, look, you're not dead, are ya? 373 00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:57,629 I mean, you're dead, but you're not "dead" dead, 'cause you're still here, aren't ya? 374 00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:01,429 Lister, I'm not really here! I'm not really me! Don't you see? 375 00:24:01,520 --> 00:24:03,750 I'm a computer simulation of me. 376 00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:07,435 That's me, there, that pile of albino mouse droppings. 377 00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:09,670 Come on. Lots of people have died. 378 00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:12,832 Lots of people have died and gone on and done really, really well. 379 00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:15,196 You're a hologram. So what? 380 00:24:15,360 --> 00:24:18,955 I suppose you're right, Lister. I've got to pull myself together. 381 00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:22,396 But you've got to help me. You've got to be my hands and my touch. 382 00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:25,598 I know the sort of things you like to touch. No way, Rimmer. Forget it. 383 00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:28,637 Are you smoking, Lister? In the Drive Room? 384 00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:32,191 Yeah. I stopped for a while, but I'm back on them now. 385 00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:34,471 You're on report, squire. 386 00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:41,393 I can't write it down. I'll remember it. 387 00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:45,230 Ohhh! Rimmer, I know it's wrong of me to speak ill of the dead and all that 388 00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:48,153 - but you're still a smeghead. - I beg your pardon? 389 00:24:48,240 --> 00:24:50,231 I said, you're still a smeghead. 390 00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:52,311 Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty 391 00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:55,392 for describing a deceased superior technician as a smeghead? 392 00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:12,549 - Will you listen to me? Just listen to me. Just shut up, just shut up! 393 00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:22,752 Aaahhh! Aow! Eeee! 394 00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:25,673 Aow, eee, how am I looking? 395 00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:32,070 Looking nice. No, wait a minute. 396 00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:35,312 I'm looking better than nice. I'm looking dangerous. 397 00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:40,156 Aaaoooww. Dangerous! Aaaooowww! Hey, what's that? 398 00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:45,554 Oh, it's my shadow. Hey, even my shadow's looking nice. 399 00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:49,474 I'm looking nice. My shadow's looking nice. What a team! 400 00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:53,110 We are unbelievable! OK, team, this way. 401 00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:57,231 No, this way. Aaaooowww... 402 00:25:57,320 --> 00:26:01,200 Aaaoowww, yeah. This way! 403 00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:03,837 Lister, just hold your horses, listen to me... 404 00:26:04,120 --> 00:26:06,794 Aaaooowww! 405 00:26:08,560 --> 00:26:12,679 Uh, oh! Better make myself look big! 406 00:26:16,320 --> 00:26:19,836 Hee hee! Fearsome. I was fearsome! 407 00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:23,515 # Just me and my shadow, ooohhh! # 408 00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:25,876 Come on, boy! # Walking down the... # 409 00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:32,674 Aaahhh! Holly, what was that? 410 00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:36,159 During the radioactive crisis, Dave, your cat and her kittens 411 00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:38,197 were safely sealed in the hold, 412 00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:40,112 and they've been breeding there for three million years, 413 00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:43,695 and have evolved into the life-form you just saw in the corridor. 414 00:26:43,719 --> 00:26:44,876 I don't get it. 415 00:26:45,360 --> 00:26:47,291 Well, you know how mankind evolved from apes? 416 00:26:47,315 --> 00:26:48,318 Yeah, I know that. 417 00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:51,518 He evolved from cats. His ancestors were cats. 418 00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:54,479 He descended from cats. He is a cat. 419 00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:58,549 Aaahhh, ooohhh, yeah... 420 00:26:59,080 --> 00:27:01,879 Hello... Cat? 421 00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:04,913 Whoa! Crease! 422 00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:10,837 Stand back, Lister. (SHOUTS INCOHERENTLY) 423 00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:20,279 - Here you go, Cat. - Ah, crispies! 424 00:27:20,360 --> 00:27:22,636 - Holly says you like these. - Mmmm! 425 00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:25,190 Hey! You monkeys eat off the floor? 426 00:27:25,280 --> 00:27:28,557 Ain't you got no style or sophistication? 427 00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:30,916 I'm sorry, Cat. I'm sorry. 428 00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:33,311 You people are unbelievable. 429 00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:39,494 Where are all your other your catty friends, Cat? 430 00:27:39,518 --> 00:27:40,879 Good crispies, man! 431 00:27:40,960 --> 00:27:44,157 Where are your other little kitties? Are they gone? Are they dead? Have they left, yet? 432 00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:46,789 Who cares? I want it off the ship! 433 00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:50,111 No! He's coming home with us, aren't you, Cat? 434 00:27:50,200 --> 00:27:52,589 Home? And where exactly is 'home' supposed to be? 435 00:27:52,760 --> 00:27:53,488 Earth. 436 00:27:53,512 --> 00:27:55,718 Earth?! What makes you think there'll BE any Earth, Lister 437 00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:58,360 And even if there is, look what it's done to a household pet in three million years. 438 00:27:58,520 --> 00:28:00,716 Can you imagine what humankind has evolved into? 439 00:28:00,880 --> 00:28:04,589 To them, you'll be the equivalent of the slime that first crawled out the oceans. 440 00:28:04,760 --> 00:28:07,639 - I could smarten meself up a bit. - Nah, you're a dinosaur. 441 00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:11,315 - You're extinct, you've got nothing. - Hey! Hey! I've still got me plan. 442 00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:15,280 And I've still got a cat. Okay, it's not Frankenstein, but it's still a cat. 443 00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:17,311 - Did you say Frankenstein? - Yeah. 444 00:28:17,400 --> 00:28:20,472 She was your great, great, great, great, great, great grandmother or something. 445 00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:24,519 The Holy Mother? The Virgin Birth? No one believes that stuff. 446 00:28:24,600 --> 00:28:27,114 The Virgin Birth?! 447 00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:29,794 No, it was a big black tom on Titan. 448 00:28:29,960 --> 00:28:33,316 Frankenstein, yeah! I remember that stuff from kitty school. 449 00:28:33,400 --> 00:28:37,280 The Holy Mother, saved by Cloister the Stupid, 450 00:28:37,360 --> 00:28:39,397 who was frozen in time, 451 00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:41,676 and who gaveth of his life that we might live. 452 00:28:41,760 --> 00:28:46,118 No! No, it's not Cloister, it's me, it's Lister! 453 00:28:46,200 --> 00:28:48,555 It's Lister the - Stupid?! 454 00:28:49,720 --> 00:28:54,112 who shall returneth to lead us to Fuchal, the Promised Land. 455 00:28:54,200 --> 00:28:56,919 No, it's not Fuchal, it's Fiji! 456 00:28:57,000 --> 00:28:58,991 And I will! I'll lead you there. 457 00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:03,551 That's where we're going. Holly, plot a course for Fiji. 458 00:29:03,640 --> 00:29:07,395 Look out, Earth. The slime's coming home! 459 00:29:11,880 --> 00:29:15,669 # It's cold outside, There's no kind of atmosphere 460 00:29:15,760 --> 00:29:18,991 # I'm all alone, more or less 461 00:29:19,080 --> 00:29:22,152 # Let me fly far away from here 462 00:29:22,240 --> 00:29:25,392 # Fun, fun, fun 463 00:29:25,480 --> 00:29:28,791 # In the sun, sun, sun 464 00:29:28,880 --> 00:29:32,396 # I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose 465 00:29:32,480 --> 00:29:35,518 # Drinking fresh mango juice 466 00:29:35,600 --> 00:29:38,991 # Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes 467 00:29:39,080 --> 00:29:41,071 # Fun, fun, fun 468 00:29:41,560 --> 00:29:45,440 # In the sun, sun, sun 469 00:29:45,520 --> 00:29:48,512 # Fun, fun, fun 470 00:29:48,600 --> 00:29:52,195 # In the sun, sun, sun #