1 00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:10,759 (DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC) 2 00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:07,355 This is an SOS distress call from the mining ship "Red Dwarf". 3 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:10,478 The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak. 4 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:12,517 The only survivors were: Dave Lister, 5 00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:15,194 who was in suspended animation during the disaster, 6 00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:18,113 and his pregnant cat, who was safely sealed in the hold. 7 00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:20,396 Revived three million years later, 8 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:24,075 Lister's only companions are: a life form who evolved from his cat 9 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:26,674 and Arnold Rimmer - a hologram simulation of one of the dead crew. 10 00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:33,030 I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6,000 - 11 00:01:33,120 --> 00:01:35,873 the same IQ as 6,000 PE teachers. 12 00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:41,759 # In a crater, on a ast'roid excavating for a mine, 13 00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:46,391 # Lived an old plutonium miner, and his daughter Clementine # 14 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:51,351 - Lister. RD 52 169. - Yeth? Can I help you? 15 00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:54,196 - You've got a lisp. - Yeth, I know. 16 00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:58,638 The lithp malfunction has been reported to the Thkutterth. Thorry for the inconvenienth. 17 00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:02,270 Give me a bacon sandwich with French mustard and black coffee. 18 00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:04,397 (MACHINE HUMS) 19 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,999 Your vocabulary unit's not working either. 20 00:02:08,023 --> 00:02:13,066 Yeth, I know. Thith altho hath been reported to the Thkutterth.Thorry for the inconvenienth. 21 00:02:13,090 --> 00:02:16,959 - Can you just try and give me a black coffee? - l'll thertainly try. 22 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,876 - That's a bucket. - Thorry. 23 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:26,800 # Do, do, do, da da...# Morning, Lister. 24 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:30,760 How's life in hippie heaven, you pregnant baboon-bellied space beatnik? 25 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:33,275 What's the plan for today, then? 26 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:35,795 Slobbing in the morning, followed by slobbing in the afternoon, 27 00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:38,759 then a snooze before the main evening slob? 28 00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:41,480 God, you're a disgrace to the species! 29 00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:46,990 Good morning, Rimmer. 30 00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:53,593 Clock stop! 6.47. Not a bad little time for the mile. 31 00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:56,913 Pity I was only doing the 300 metres. 32 00:02:57,000 --> 00:03:01,233 I had that conversation with Lister. Knock...4 minutes off for that. 33 00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:05,553 but I stopped to have a rest, so I wouldn't look too shagged out when I went past him. 34 00:03:05,640 --> 00:03:08,140 Knock *that* off and...I've broken the world record! 35 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:12,074 Well done, Rimmsy, you're fitter than you thought. Holly, give me a clean uniform. 36 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:16,393 - 9:47 am, Arnold. - No, a clean uniform, you idiot. 37 00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:19,598 - Look, I'm rather busy at the moment. - Now! 38 00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:22,069 (HOLLY SIGHS) 39 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:28,310 And give me a crewcut, Holly. I'm beginning to look like one of those Hell's Angels. 40 00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:32,196 Arnold, we're going to hit light speed in 24 hours. 41 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:34,840 I have to navigate a ship the size of a city 42 00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:38,675 through speeds never before encountered in the human sphere of experience 43 00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:43,391 I'm not a combination of the Speaking Clock, Moss Bros and Teasy-Weasy. 44 00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:46,389 Holly, a hologram I may be. 45 00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:49,757 But I'm still the highest ranking technician aboard this ship. 46 00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:52,070 When I say do something, you do it. 47 00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:55,357 Understand? You stupid, jumped-up filofax. 48 00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:57,716 - I'm a what? - You heard. 49 00:03:58,080 --> 00:04:02,074 - Just get on with it. Very short. - OK, Arnold. 50 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:07,594 - Have you done it, Hol? - Yes. 51 00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:10,877 - A crewcut, and it's very short? - Yes, Arnold. 52 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:14,271 As my father always said, shiny clean boots 53 00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:17,671 and a spanking short haircut, and you can cope with anything. 54 00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:21,435 He said that just before all that unfortunate suicide business. 55 00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:30,270 Ah, now that one's me with Jim Bexley Speed. 56 00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:33,239 He played for the London Jets Zero Gravity Football Team. 57 00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:35,550 He was Roof Attack. 58 00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:39,554 And as you can see, he was really, really, really, really, really thrilled to meet me. 59 00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:43,473 - Who's that guy? - That's me grandmother. 60 00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:46,473 She brought me up. She was a great old lady. 61 00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:50,713 i got expelled from school once because she nutted the headmaster when I came bottom in French. 62 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:53,031 Wow. That's nice. 63 00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:55,396 It's just a Jupiter rise. Everyone takes that shot. 64 00:04:57,480 --> 00:04:59,869 Who is that?! 65 00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:02,076 That's me Dad. It's the only picture I've got of him. 66 00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:05,232 He's your father? No wonder you so ugly. 67 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:08,836 - No, that's his dog, Hannah. - Dawwg? What's a dawwg? 68 00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:11,355 - It's just a pet. - Ugleeeeee! 69 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:16,071 Listen, you go get your stuff and let me pack mine. OK, will you do that for me? 70 00:05:16,280 --> 00:05:21,673 This...er 'dog'. He better not be around here anyplace, because if he is I may have to chase him. 71 00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:22,853 - Oh, yeah. -Yeah 72 00:05:22,877 --> 00:05:24,736 -Do you know how big they are? 73 00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:29,436 They're about 18 foot long and they've got teeth as big as your leg. 74 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:30,348 - Yeah? - Yeah. 75 00:05:30,372 --> 00:05:32,479 - Well, I may have to chase him anyway. 76 00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:34,312 Oh! 77 00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:40,589 Oh, Lennon! Look what's happened to McCartney. 78 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:57,837 So, mechanical engineering! 79 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:01,549 Hey! Perfection! 80 00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:03,870 And they said you was a waste of money. 81 00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:16,229 - What's he looking at? - Who? 82 00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:18,709 That idiotic cat. 83 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:25,356 - Rimmer, what have you done to your hair? - Holly did it. 84 00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:27,829 - Why? - Because I ordered him to. 85 00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:31,038 - It looks ridiculous. - It may look ridiculous to you, Lister 86 00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:33,873 but I like it like this. Makes me feel like a man! 87 00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:37,959 Yeah. And you'll probably get one, looking like that. 88 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:43,237 Nothing wrong with short hair, Lister. It gives a man a sense of dignity, a sense of discipline. 89 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:46,392 - Rimmer, have you seen it? - I don't need to see it. 90 00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:48,391 I didn't get this haircut to look good. 91 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:52,030 This is a haircut designed for action, not poncing around in. 92 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:55,909 Maybe a bit severe. A bit too Green Beret. 93 00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:04,031 But you are how you look, and I look... like a complete and total tit! 94 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:08,392 Holly! Holly! 95 00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:11,951 This is a recording. I'm afraid Holly is busy at the moment. 96 00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:15,715 If you'd like to leave a message after the bleep, he'll get back to you. 97 00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:17,598 Bleep. 98 00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:21,435 Holly, this is Rimmer. Remember me? Rimmer. 99 00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:25,718 Arnold Rimmer. The poor goit you made look like Helen Shapiro. 100 00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:28,758 I'll see you toast on the fires of Hell for this. 101 00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:31,309 Did someone say they wanted toast? 102 00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:33,710 Shut up. 103 00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:37,350 - What are you doing? - I'm going into stasis. I thought Holly told you? 104 00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:39,158 Stasis? What for? 105 00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:41,356 Well, Holly said to go into it while we went through light speed. 106 00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:44,558 And then I thought, what the hell, why not stay till we get back to Earth? 107 00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:46,996 Earth?! But, that's three million years away. 108 00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:49,913 You can't leave me alone for three million years, I'll go peculiar. 109 00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:56,036 Holly, look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude. 110 00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:58,236 Can I please have my own hair back? 111 00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:02,996 - Pretty please, with sugar on? - I'll think about it, Arnold. 112 00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:08,232 Holly's supposed to have told you. I thought you didn't mind. 113 00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:10,914 Mind? Mind? Why should I mind? 114 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:14,470 Three hundred thousand millennia alone, while you're in suspended animation? 115 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:17,951 I'll be fine, I'll do that crossword book - that should kill a couple of centuries. 116 00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:20,157 Holly'll switch you off until we come back out. 117 00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:24,473 Even better, switch me on, switch me off, like I'm some battery-powered sex aid. 118 00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:27,189 - Oh, come on, Rimmer. Don't give me this. - Don't give you what? 119 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:29,874 I'm dead, Lister, or hadn't you noticed? 120 00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:32,270 I know you're dead, Rimmer, don't whinge on about it! 121 00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:34,272 Sorry to be a bore. 122 00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:37,637 I mean, you're everything you were when you were alive. 123 00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:40,439 Same personality, same everything. 124 00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:43,160 Apart from the miniscule detail that I'm a stiffy. 125 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:47,272 Rimmer, death isn't the handicap it used to be in the olden days. 126 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,510 It doesn't screw up your career like it used to. 127 00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:52,399 That's what they say, Lister, but if you had two people coming for a job 128 00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:54,915 and one of them was dead, which one would you pick? 129 00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:58,558 It depends which was better qualified. 130 00:08:58,720 --> 00:09:02,076 Bullpats. When was the last time you saw a dead newsreader? 131 00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:05,959 Channel 27 had a hologram reading the news. 132 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:09,954 Oh...groovy, funky Channel 27. 133 00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:13,715 Big smegging deal. You livvies hate us deadies. 134 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:17,675 Rimmer, If I'm gonna go back to Earth, I'm gonna have to go into stasis. 135 00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:21,355 It's gonna take 4,000 years just to turn around. 136 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:24,637 You can't do a three-point turn when you're this close to Light speed, you know? 137 00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:28,550 Oh, really? And where did you read that? The Ladybird Book of Astronavigation? 138 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:31,109 It happens to be true. 139 00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:35,478 I know, it's true, modo. I have taken the astronavigation exam. Nine times. 140 00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:37,631 Ten, if you count the time I had my spasm. 141 00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:41,834 Rimmer, you'll only be turned off until we get back to Earth. 142 00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:44,480 Where you won't need me, so I won't get switched back on. 143 00:09:44,680 --> 00:09:49,277 They might be able to cure you. They probably made great advances and that while we've been away. 144 00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:53,195 Oh, yes, I expect they cured death the instant we left Earth. 145 00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:56,352 I expect doctors' surgeries are packed with the dead. 146 00:09:56,440 --> 00:09:59,432 "Hello, Mrs Johnson, take one of these three times a day, 147 00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:02,717 "you'll soon be living again. Carole, next corpse, please." 148 00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:06,557 - They might. - Yes, Lister, they might if the Earth hasn't blown up. 149 00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:08,711 Or the ants haven't taken over. 150 00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:13,590 well, you'll be in your element if the insects are in control. You'll probably get a decent job at last. 151 00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:16,149 - Yeah, yeah. - You'll probably run for government. 152 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:19,790 - Yeah, yeah. - You'll probably even make it as a male model. 153 00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:23,999 Git. 154 00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:38,071 # To Ganymede and Titan 155 00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:44,511 # Yes, sir, I've been around. 156 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:49,549 # But there ain't no place in the whole of...space 157 00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:53,520 # Like that good ol' toddlin' town... 158 00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:55,990 # Oh, oohh... 159 00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:58,276 # Lunar City... # 160 00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:13,554 # Lunar City 7... # 161 00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:15,711 You can't sing, you know. 162 00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:20,119 - You can, can you? - Oh, just because I'm a toaster, I'm tone deaf? 163 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:22,271 Well, go on, then. 164 00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:24,510 (SMOOTH VOICE) Welcome to the Starlight Ballroom, hey! 165 00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:29,037 # Fly me to the moon and let me... # 166 00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:31,831 # Lunar City 7... # 167 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:34,960 (LISTER CONTINUES SINGING) 168 00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:45,870 - What was that?! - Er, 11:14 Ship Time, Dave. 169 00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:48,474 No, Holly, what was that flash? 170 00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:51,439 We've broken the light barrier 22 hours early. 171 00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:53,591 Is everyone all right? 172 00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:55,990 I can't do it. I can't cope. 173 00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:58,230 We're going at the speed of light. Me bottle's gone. 174 00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:01,919 Holly, is everyone all right? 175 00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:05,477 No, I'm not. I thought I could navigate at light speed 176 00:12:05,560 --> 00:12:07,915 but I just can't wrap me head round it. 177 00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:10,949 Gordon Bennet, that was a close one! 178 00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:14,949 Holly, what's the problem? You're supposed to have an IQ of 6,000, aren't ya? 179 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:18,033 Look, we're travelling faster than the speed of light. 180 00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:21,158 That means, by the time we see something, we've already passed through it. 181 00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:24,631 Even with an IQ of 6,000, it's still brown trousers time. 182 00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:28,278 Can I help? 183 00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:31,239 No, it's all right. I'm getting the hang of it now. 184 00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:34,233 Left a bit..straighten her up. I better go. 185 00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:40,230 # To Ganymede and Titan, Yes, sir, I've been around... # 186 00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:45,276 Rimmer! Rimmer! 187 00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:47,431 (SILENT) 188 00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:57,597 (SILENT) 189 00:12:57,920 --> 00:13:01,709 # To Ganymede and Titan, Yes, sir, I've been... # 190 00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:05,349 Rimmer! 191 00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:07,717 What? What is it? 192 00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:11,073 Do you see anything really weird in that mirror? 193 00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:15,397 Yes. You, you ugly goit. 194 00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:19,360 - No. It was really odd. - What was? 195 00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:22,114 Nothing. Forget it, doesn't matter. 196 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:25,318 - What doesn't matter? - Nothing, forget it, it doesn't matter. 197 00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:29,069 Lister, have you been at that marijuana gin again? 198 00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:31,151 I said forget it! It doesn't matter. 199 00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:33,880 Fine! Well, if you have more problems with nothing 200 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:36,873 and things that don't matter, just scream my name hysterically, 201 00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:39,349 and I'll come pelting down the corridor, alright? 202 00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,794 # This little kitty went to stasis... 203 00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:50,679 # This little kitty stayed at home 204 00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:52,990 # Ooohh, aaaahh, tcheee... 205 00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:56,232 - # My clothes look good...# - What are you doing? 206 00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:58,357 I'm doing what you said do. 207 00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:02,673 I said, "take a few essential basics you couldn't bear to leave behind." 208 00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:04,876 Right. These are all I'm taking. 209 00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:09,397 Just these and the other ten racks. Travel light, move fast. 210 00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:11,835 You can't take all of this. There's no room. 211 00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:16,114 OK. Then I'll leave...this. 212 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:18,996 I'll just have to do without it. 213 00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:23,359 - You can take two suits and that's it! - Two suits? 214 00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:25,431 - Then I'm staying. - You can't stay. 215 00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:28,797 - By the time I come out, you'll be dead. - Two suits IS dead. 216 00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:33,315 If I cut off my leg and leave it behind, can I take three? 217 00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:36,671 Going into stasis in 10 minutes, I'll meet you in the sleeping quarters. 218 00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:42,079 - Yo, Rimmer, look I've been thinking. - What? 219 00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:45,357 - You know, about going into stasis and everything? - How did I do what? 220 00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:51,076 What do you mean, "How did I do what?" 221 00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:54,232 - Lister, don't be a gimboid. - I'm not being a gimboid. 222 00:14:58,320 --> 00:15:00,994 I've just been in the library thinking, and I've decided... 223 00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:03,196 Shut up. 224 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:06,838 As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, 225 00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:10,834 I've decided when you go into stasis I want to stay behind, I wanna be left on. 226 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:13,389 What, on your own, for the rest of your life? 227 00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:15,551 - What things? - Eh?! 228 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:19,109 - I said, what?! - What's going on? 229 00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:22,269 - You are space crazy. - I'M space crazy?! 230 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:25,751 You're the one who's...space crazy. 231 00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:28,992 Well, it probably is déja-vu. It sounds like it. 232 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:40,710 Aaaagh! Rimmer, I've just seen you walk out of that door. 233 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:43,269 - What? - How did you do that? 234 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:46,876 - How did I do what? - You just this second walked out of that door. 235 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:48,951 Lister, don't be a gimboid. 236 00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:53,591 I swear, on me grandmother's life, as you walked out that door, you came in this one. 237 00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:56,271 I've just been in the library, thinking and I've decided... 238 00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:58,510 - Rimmer, I'm telling you... - Shut up. 239 00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:01,240 As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, 240 00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:04,676 I've decided when you go into stasis I want to stay behind, I wanna be left on. 241 00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:07,274 Rimmer, you've just come in and said exactly these things. 242 00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:09,192 - What things? - You said that. 243 00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:11,351 - I said what?! - And that. You said that. 244 00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:14,319 - You are space crazy. - And then you said... 245 00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:16,277 "Well, it probably is déja-vu." 246 00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:19,079 Well, it probably is déja-vu. It sounds like it. 247 00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:22,720 Well, go on, then: shake your head and walk out. 248 00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:29,869 Rimmer, listen. Will you just listen? 249 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:32,156 My tooth! My tooth! I think I lost my tooth! 250 00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:34,436 Cat, wait. Rimmer, listen. 251 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:37,758 # I'm gonna eat you little fishies # 252 00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:40,480 # I'm gonna eat you litt-- # oh-oh...ah-ha! 253 00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:44,554 I was just making sure your fish are OK. I wasn't going to eat them. 254 00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:49,075 - He just walked past us. - It must be something to do with light speed. 255 00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:51,720 - Holly, what's going on? - It's light speed, I bet ya. 256 00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:54,235 - Is your name Holly? - "Is your name Holly" (?) 257 00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:55,172 - Holly! - Hmm? 258 00:16:55,196 --> 00:16:56,357 What is going on? 259 00:16:56,520 --> 00:17:01,196 Look, I'm a 10th generation Al hologramic computer. I'm not your mum. 260 00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:03,635 Yes, fantastic. 261 00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:05,871 Do you want this time? A hand with your homework? 262 00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:08,998 Or would you like me to sew little nametags in your PE kit? 263 00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:15,192 Holly, watch my lips. What is hap-pen-ing? 264 00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:17,351 With the mirror, the cat, everything... 265 00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:21,309 Oh that. You're seeing future echoes. Didn't I explain this to you? 266 00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:23,716 What are future echoes? 267 00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:26,679 - How simple do you want this? - So Lister can understand it. 268 00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:29,593 Oh, dear. 269 00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:31,751 Difficult, I know. 270 00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:33,991 We're travelling faster than L.S. Right? 271 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:36,071 - What's LS.? - Light Speed. 272 00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:37,798 - Smartarse. 273 00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:42,193 Consequently, You're catching up with things you're about to do before you've actually done them. 274 00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:45,432 - Ah, so we're seeing bits of the future? - Yes. 275 00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:48,592 See, I told you it was light speed. You should've asked me. 276 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:52,196 - Can they see us? - Of course not. Use your loaf. 277 00:17:52,360 --> 00:17:56,797 So, wait. Are you saying the Cat is gonna break his tooth some time in the future? 278 00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:59,156 Yes, I didn't think you wanted it THIS simple. 279 00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:01,630 Hey, ain't nobody gonna break my tooth. 280 00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:03,837 How long is this going to last? 281 00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:07,470 Until the reverse thrust takes effect and we drop below light speed. 282 00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:10,951 - What's that photograph? - It's me and Frankenstein, isn't it? 283 00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:16,114 - No. The one with the babies. - Babies? I've never seen it before. 284 00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:19,153 Holly, is this what you call a future echo? 285 00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:22,798 Yes, of course it is! Bozo. 286 00:18:24,120 --> 00:18:28,079 Two babies. How do I get two babies? 287 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:35,834 # Ganymede and Titan, Yes, sir, I've been around 288 00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:37,797 # But there ain't no place in the whole of space # 289 00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:39,996 What's this, guys? 290 00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:45,038 "Don't go into stasis. Please don't leave us with Rimmer." 291 00:18:46,120 --> 00:18:48,680 I'm sorry, guys, I've got to. We need you. 292 00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:51,394 There's nothing for me here. I want to go back to Earth. 293 00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:55,599 Oh, don't do that! I don't care what it's like. It's gotta be better than this. 294 00:18:55,680 --> 00:19:00,516 I don't care if the dolphins have taken over and all the people are in the human being-atarium. You know? 295 00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:02,591 I just want to find out. 296 00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:05,559 (EXPLOSION) What was that?! 297 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:21,312 - What was that? - Brace yourself for a bit of a shock, Lister 298 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:23,391 - but I just saw you die. - What? 299 00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:25,471 I did warn you to brace yourself. 300 00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:28,758 - You didn't give me much of a chance. - I gave you ample bracing time. 301 00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:30,990 No, you didn't...you didn't even pause. 302 00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:33,913 Well, I'm sorry. I've just had a rather nasty experience. 303 00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:39,114 I have just seen someone I know die in the most hideous, hideous way! 304 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:43,038 - Yeah, me! - You were fiddling around with the navicomp... 305 00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:45,555 I don't wanna know. I don't wanna know. 306 00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:49,111 - You don't want to know how you die? - No! Was it quick? 307 00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:52,552 We-ell, I wouldn't say it was super-fast. 308 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:56,679 Not if you count the thrashing around and the agonised squealing. 309 00:19:56,760 --> 00:20:01,197 - You're really loving this, aren't you? - What a horrible thing to say. 310 00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:03,431 - It was definitely me? - Oh, yes. 311 00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:05,830 I don't wanna know. 312 00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:07,957 - How old did I look? - How old are you now? 313 00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:11,590 - 25. How old did I look? - Mmmmmmm... Mid-twenties. 314 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:15,719 Smeg! I'm not ready. I'm not smegging ready! 315 00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:17,518 You did seem surprised. 316 00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:21,229 Ah, did you actually see me face? 317 00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:23,789 You were wearing a hat, but it was definitely you. 318 00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:26,918 Well, there you go. I won't wear a hat, then it can't happen, can it? 319 00:20:27,040 --> 00:20:30,078 - I can live without a hat. - Lister, it has happened. 320 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:32,993 You can't change it any more than you can change what you had for breakfast yesterday. 321 00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:36,949 It hasn't happened, has it? It has will have going to have happened, 322 00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:41,398 happened but it hasn't actually happened, happened yet, actually. 323 00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:45,673 Poppycock. It will be happened, it shall be going to be happening, 324 00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:49,594 it will be, was an event that could, will have been taken place in the future. 325 00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:52,911 Simple as that. Your bucket's been kicked, baby. 326 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:58,039 - Says you. - Says me and Albert Einstein, thank you very much. 327 00:20:58,120 --> 00:21:00,475 Albo and I happen to agree on this one - 328 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,471 it's called the Theory of Relativity. 329 00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:04,631 All right. OK. OK. 330 00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:09,557 Right. The Cat broke his tooth in a future echo, right? 331 00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:12,280 - Now if I can stop him breaking it.. - Can't be done. 332 00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:15,079 - Then I can stop me from dying. - Can't be done. 333 00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:17,151 How would a cat break his tooth? 334 00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:18,740 (HUMS FUNERAL MARCH) 335 00:21:18,764 --> 00:21:22,758 He'd be eating something... eating something hard. 336 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:27,238 My robot goldfish! Eating my robot goldfish. 337 00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:30,358 - Holly, where's the Cat? - He's just going into your sleeping quarters, Dave. 338 00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:32,431 Oh, Smegging Hell! 339 00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:37,557 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm back. Feeling good. 340 00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:40,990 How am I looking? 341 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:46,110 Go-oo-od. 342 00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:49,033 I wish I was someone else, then I could kiss me. 343 00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:52,752 I think I'll investigate.. these! 344 00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:57,037 Uh-uh, I just ate. But, one little fishy... 345 00:21:57,120 --> 00:22:00,351 # Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna eat you, little fishy... 346 00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:03,478 # I'm gonna eat you, little fishy # 347 00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:06,393 Oh-eeh-oh... 348 00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:09,074 Yeah, I got you! 349 00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:11,151 I'm gonna...errgh. 350 00:22:12,550 --> 00:22:13,425 [CRACK] 351 00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:16,518 I got the fish, I'm not gonna die. I'm not gonna die. 352 00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:18,796 Hey, you crazy monkey! You creased my suit. 353 00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:23,556 My tooth! My tooth! I think I've lost my tooth. 354 00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:31,792 Lister, allow me to be the first to offer my commiserations. 355 00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:36,554 You're really, really loving this, aren't ya? 356 00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:40,111 "Come on, death isn't the handicap it used to be in the olden days"! 357 00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:43,272 "It doesn't screw your career up in the way it used to"! 358 00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:46,432 You're right. There's always some good in every situation. 359 00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:51,515 Absolutely, Lister. And in this case, you're about to do the largest splits you'll ever do in your life. 360 00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:54,792 - I get blown up, then? - Bits of you do. 361 00:22:56,040 --> 00:23:00,318 It's not fair. There's loads of things I've never done. 362 00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:03,833 Like... I've never had a prawn vindaloo. 363 00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:07,438 And I've never read... a book. 364 00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:10,670 And I wanted to have a family. 365 00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:15,072 And I wanted to have loads of practice of the things you've gotta do to get a family. 366 00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:21,395 Holly, I'd like to send an internal memo. Black border. 367 00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:24,154 Begins: "To Dave Lister, 368 00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:26,834 "condolences on your passing away." 369 00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:30,629 What's that poem? "Now, weary traveller, 370 00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:35,317 "rest your head, for just like me, you're utterly dead." 371 00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:40,353 Emergency. Emergency. There's an emergency going on. 372 00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:43,751 - What is it, Hol? - There's an emergency, Dave. 373 00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:47,595 The navicomp's overheating. I need your help in the Drive Room. 374 00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:51,469 - Oooh-ooh-ooh. - Come in 169, your time is up. 375 00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:55,589 - OK. What was I wearing? - That jacket and red T-shirt. 376 00:23:58,120 --> 00:24:02,637 You said yourself I can't stop it. Let's get it over with. 377 00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:04,836 Lister, what's that for? 378 00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:07,873 I'm going out like I came in, screaming and kicking. 379 00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:10,156 You can't whack Death on the head. 380 00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:13,713 If he comes near me, I'm gonna rip his nipples off. 381 00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:30,598 I'm afraid it can't cope with the influx of data at light speed, Dave. 382 00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:33,194 Could you hook it up to the drive computer for me? 383 00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:51,879 Six... 384 00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:54,110 Five... 385 00:24:57,280 --> 00:24:59,317 Four... 386 00:24:59,720 --> 00:25:01,711 Three... 387 00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:06,791 Two... 388 00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:10,789 Aaaaaaaaaah! One... 389 00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:15,752 I did it! I'm not gonna die! 390 00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:19,390 - Aaaaaaaaaah! - Aaaaaaaah. Dog attack. 391 00:25:26,720 --> 00:25:29,314 - I don't know why you're so chirpy. - I'm alive. 392 00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:31,710 But for how long? It'll probably happen tomorrow or Thursday. 393 00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:34,997 - Maybe it's not gonna happen at all. - It was you. I saw you. I'm sure it was you. 394 00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:42,759 Hello, Dave. This is me. I mean you. 395 00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:48,153 I mean, I am you. This is you aged 171, Dave. 396 00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:52,154 I know you're there, because when I was your age, 397 00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:56,598 I saw me at my age telling you what I'm about to tell you, 398 00:25:57,400 --> 00:26:00,711 and you've got to tell you, when you get to be me. 399 00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:04,471 - Thank heavens, you've still got all your marbles, Lister. - Shhhhh! 400 00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:07,280 I've got to tell you about Bexley. 401 00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:10,791 - Who's Bexley? - I was always gonna call my second son "Bexley", 402 00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:13,474 - after Jim Bexley Speed. - Your second son? 403 00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:16,678 - What were you gonna call your first son? - Jim. After Jim Bexley Speed. 404 00:26:16,840 --> 00:26:20,470 It wasn't you Rimmer saw in the Drive Room, it was Bexley. 405 00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:22,597 Rimmer, you saw me son die! 406 00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:26,357 Never mind this tott! What about me, old man? 407 00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:29,558 What happens to me? Do I become an officer? 408 00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:31,950 Rimmer, I'm gonna have two sons! Isn't it fantastic? 409 00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:34,316 - But one of them dies. - Yeah, well, everyone dies. 410 00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:38,553 You're born and you die. The bit in the middle's called "life", and that's still to come! 411 00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:41,473 Go and get your camera. You haven't got much time. 412 00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:44,871 Get your camera and run to the medical unit. Run! 413 00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:48,756 What about me? What happens to me? 414 00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:51,315 He can't hear us, Rimmer, he's from the future. 415 00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:54,392 Ah, if I ask you now, you can remember it, 416 00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:56,676 and when you get to be him, and you can tell me. 417 00:26:56,760 --> 00:26:58,398 Boss thinking! 418 00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:02,312 Rimmer, you wanted to know what happened to you. 419 00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:07,270 - Come closer, come closer still. - Yes. Yes. 420 00:27:07,360 --> 00:27:10,193 - Heh, heh, heh. - You goit. 421 00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:15,390 No, you goit. They're all goits. I'm surrounded by goits. Holly, you're a goit. 422 00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:17,551 - I'm a what? - You heard! 423 00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:21,554 What's happening, Hol? Are we going to see my funeral or something? 424 00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:26,396 Look, the faster we go, the more into the future the future echoes are. 425 00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:28,994 And now, since we've just started to slow down, 426 00:27:29,080 --> 00:27:32,118 the future echoes are nearer to the present. Clear? 427 00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:34,555 - No. - Tough. 428 00:27:38,280 --> 00:27:42,433 Wait a minute. I don't understand how you're supposed to get two sons, 429 00:27:42,520 --> 00:27:45,319 - without a woman on this ship. - Neither do I. 430 00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:47,676 But it's gonna be a laugh finding out. 431 00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:51,993 I can't see you, but I know you can see me. 432 00:27:52,080 --> 00:27:54,117 I'd like you to meet your two sons. 433 00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:58,512 This is Jim and this is Bexley. Stop crying and say "cheese", boys! 434 00:28:02,160 --> 00:28:06,597 # It's cold outside There's no kind of atmosphere. 435 00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:09,798 # I'm all alone, more or less 436 00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:12,872 # Let me fly, far away from here 437 00:28:12,960 --> 00:28:15,998 # Fun, fun, fun 438 00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:19,118 # In the sun, sun, sun 439 00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:23,159 # I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose 440 00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:26,198 # Drinking fresh mango juice 441 00:28:26,280 --> 00:28:29,716 # Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes 442 00:28:29,800 --> 00:28:32,599 # Fun, fun, fun 443 00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:35,911 # In the sun, sun, sun 444 00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:39,038 # Fun, fun, fun 445 00:28:39,120 --> 00:28:42,670 # In the sun, sun, sun #