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 (DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC)

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This is an SOS distress call
from the mining ship Red Dwarf.

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The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak.

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The only survivors were
Dave Lister, who was

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in suspended animation
during the disaster.

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and his pregnant cat,
who was safely sealed in the hold.

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Revived three million years later,

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Lister's only companions are
a life form who evolved from his cat

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and Arnold Rimmer, a hologram
simulation of one of the dead crew.

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The most interesting
event that happened recently

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was that Lister pretended he'd passed
the chef's exam, although really he failed.

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That gives you some idea of how truly
exciting some days can be around here.

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Holly, give me access
to the crew's confidential reports.

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Those are for the Captain's eyes only, Arnold.

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Fine. Well, we'll give him ten
seconds to come back from the dead,

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and if he hasn't managed it, then
we'll presume I'm in charge, yeah?

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- No, he hasn't managed it.
- Whose do you want?

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Give me... Give me Lister's. Just the remarks.

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David Lister, technician, 3rd class.

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Captain's remarks - "Has requested
sick leave due to diarrhoea

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"on no less than 500 occasions.

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"Left previous job as a supermarket
trolley attendant after ten years

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"because he didn't want
to get tied down to a career.

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"Promotion prospects - zero."

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I always liked Captain Hollister.

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Such a great reader of
men was Captain Hollister

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A marvellous, marvellous man,
and a tragic loss to us all.

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All right, Holly, give me mine.

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Arnold Rimmer, technician, 2nd class.

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Captain's remarks -
There's a saying amongst the

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officers: "If a job's worth
doing, it's worth doing well.

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"If it's not worth doing, give it to Rimmer.

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"He aches for responsibility
but constantly fails the engineering exam."

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Whoa, whoa, whoa! Holly, Holly...
MY report - Rimmer. Two Ms.

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"Astoundingly zealous. Possibly mad.

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"Probably has more teeth than brain cells.

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"Promotion prospects - comical."

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No, no, no, Holly, I want 'Rimmer', that's
two R's; one at the front, one at the back.

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Arnold, this is your report.

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I always hated that pus-head Hollister.

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He always resented my popularity,

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that's why he never
put forward my proposal

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to reduce the minimum
haircut length by an eighth of an inch.

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Small-minded, petty-thinking modo.

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Arnold, I'm picking up an unidentified object.

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"Constantly fails the exam"?
I'd hardly call 11 times "constantly".

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If you eat roast beef 11
times in your life, one would

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hardly say that person
constantly eats roast beef.

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No, it would be a rare, nay, freak occurrence.

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"Possibly mad"?! What's he drivelling about?

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- It's on the screen, Arnie.
- What is?

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- The UO.
- What is it?

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I don't know.

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Well, you'd better find out,
haven't you. It's obviously beyond me.

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I've 'got more teeth than brain cells', remember?

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Yes, you have.

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(SNIFFS)

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(TOASTER) Would you like some toast?

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- Uh-uh.
- Some nice hot crisp brown buttered toast?

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Uh-uh.
- You don't want any toast, then?

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No.

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- What about a muffin?
- Nothing.

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You know the last time you had toast: 18 days ago.
11.36, Tuesday 3rd. Two rounds.

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Shh!

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I mean, what's the point
of buying a toaster with

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artificial intelligence
if you don't like toast?

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- I do like toast.
- I mean, this is my job!

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- This is cruel, it's just cruel.
- I'm busy.

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- Oh, you're not busy eating toast, are you?
- I don't want any!

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I mean, the whole purpose of my existence is
to serve you with hot buttered scrummy toast.

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If you don't want any,
then my existence is meaningless.

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- Good.
- I toast, therefore I am.

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Will you shut up?

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(SNIFFS)

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What are you doing?

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- I'm reading.
- What, with your nose?

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Yeah, it's a cat book. They
don't use marks, they use smells.

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You run your nose along the line and all the
different smells are released, it's really good.

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What a pathetic idea.

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Well, yeah, unlike you, Rimmer,
my mind is open to new cultures,

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new ways of looking at and doing things.

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- And what does it say?
- It says, "See Dick run.

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"Run, Dick, run.

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"Run...home, Dick."

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That's the cat equivalent of Shakespeare, is it?

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Shakespeare? Who's Shakespeare?

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You moron. An old playwright in the olden days.
Wilfred Shakespeare.

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I'm only just starting out. This is for
three-year-olds. So, you should try it.

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I'm not the slightest
bit interested in smelling

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anything cats have to
say, thank you, Lister.

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You don't know what you're missing.

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Rimmer, there's this brilliant
one where Dick buys this ball...

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this big ball.. this big red ball.

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It's amazing stuff.

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You ought to try reading your shirt sometimes, Lister.
It's probably a novel by Victor Hugo.

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Anyway, if you're interested,
Holly's spotted... Is that my shirt?

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- Yeah. I borrowed it.
- What's that down the front?

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That's definitely biscuit. Erm, that's custard...

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That's definitely ink and,
just general sort of dirty marks.

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- You can't just go through my possessions!
- Come on, you don't need them anymore.

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- Because I'm dead?
- Yeah.

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You're a hologram, and
holograms don't need clothes.

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They're my things, Lister! Would you steal
verruca cream from a man with no feet?

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I mean, how would you like, if
I stole your T-shirt, your

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favorite one with the
custard stains down the front?

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- I wouldn't care.
- You've got no right to go through my wardrobe.

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OK, OK.

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(SNIGGERS) You keep your underpants
on coat-hangers, don't you?

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That's private!

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OK, Rimmer, OK. Take the shirt back.

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I don't want it. It's ruined.
You've sweated in it.

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- If you don't want the shirt, what DO you want, Rimmer?
- Just keep out of my things, alright?

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- OK, OK. what's Holly spotted?
- An unidentified object.

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- You mean a rock.
- It might not be.

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- They're always rocks.
- Mostly they're rocks, I agree,

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but maybe this one's different.

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Rimmer, there's nothing out there, you know,
there's nobody out there.

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No alien monsters, no Zargon warships,

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no beautiful blondes with beehive hairdos,

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who say, "Show me some more
of this Earth thing called 'kissing'."

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There's just you, me, the Cat and a lot of
floating of smegging rocks. That's it. Finito.

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Lister, if there's no-one out there, what's the point in existence? Why are we here?

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- Beats me. You want some toast?

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(HOLLY) Arnold, the unidentified
object is now in visual range.

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All right, Holly. I'm on my way.

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Ow...

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Aow! Nice jump. Hey!

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Smooth with a capital "smoo".

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OK, time to get out the food detector.

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Food, this way. Aow! Ooh!

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Yeah, yeah! This way.

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Aow! This way!

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Ah, you. Where have you been?

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Investigating. Investigating this,
investigating that.

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- General investigation.
- General investigation, eh?

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- Ah, splendid!
- Thank you.

137
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- Keep it up.
- OK.

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Fine. Well, if you'll just excuse me...

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Hey! You can't have my shiny
thing! I found it. It's my shiny thing.

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What are you drivelling about?

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This is my shiny thing and if you try
and take it off me, I may have to eat you.

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It's a yo-yo, you modo.

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It does two amazing things.

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One, you have the shiny thing at
the top, and the string down below

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- or - and this is the clever part...
-Hmm!

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You have the string at the top and the shiny
thing down here where the string used to be.

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(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

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Wowee! You haven't the slightest clue
what it's for, do you?

149
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Sure I do, grease stain.
You hold the shiny thing in one hand and you go...

150
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Aow! The string's moving!

151
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Hey! Stop that thing! Catch that string!

152
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- Where is it?
- It's in scoop range, Arnold.

153
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It's a pod!

154
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Holly, bring it in!

155
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Yeah, yeah, yeah! I'm back!

156
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Feeling good! Feed me.

157
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Cat, hi! I haven't seen you
for ages. Where've you been?

158
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- Investigating.
- Got you some crispies.

159
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Yeah, yeah, yeah!

160
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I read that book you gave me,
y'know, It's got a brilliant ending.

161
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I could hardly believe me nose.

162
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Forget that. Got you this. The one
you asked about? The Holy Book?

163
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Oh, great!

164
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(SNIFFS)

165
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Hey! Pictures!

166
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Yeah! That's a cat thing.

167
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You see, sometimes in a book,
we have a drawing of something

168
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that is happening in the story,
and we call them 'pictures'.

169
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Yeah, yeah, we have pictures, too.

170
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Hey, you monkeys are smarter than I thought!

171
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- This is me!
- No, that's not you. That's Cloister.

172
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He was the father of the cat people. He lived years ago at The Beginning.

173
00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:21,512
- Who's that?
- That's Him frozen in time.

174
00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:25,309
No, That's me!. I was sent to
stasis, that's what "frozen in time" is.

175
00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:29,792
- He did that to save Frankenstein.
- Look, Frankenstein was my pet cat!

176
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Look, Lister, Cloister. Cloister, Lister! See?

177
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Listen, you stupid monkey,
Cloister's another name for God!

178
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That's what I'm saying. I am your God.

179
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OK. Turn this into a woman.

180
00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:53,634
- I'm serious.
- So am I!

181
00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:56,816
Look, Frankenstein was my pet cat, right?
- Hm-mmm.

182
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And she was pregnant. I got put into
suspended animation. I was supposed

183
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to be there for 18 months, but I
didn't get out for three million years.

184
00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:06,593
- You oversleep? So do I.
- No!

185
00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:09,752
I'm saying is, that over those three million years,

186
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:13,515
your entire race of people evolved from my pet cat.

187
00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:18,071
Ah, I gotta go now, man,
but let's do lunch some time.

188
00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:22,393
I'll put it in my diary. "12.30, lunch with God."

189
00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:25,199
Formal dress, you know what I'm saying?

190
00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:27,271
It is true, you know.

191
00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:33,072
Yeah? Then I gotta ask you The Ultimate Question: If you're God, why that face?

192
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:36,312
- What's wrong with my face?
- What's wrong with your face?

193
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:41,156
It's upside down and inside out,
that's what's wrong with it. Aow!

194
00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:43,231
- Holly?
- Yes, Dave?

195
00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:47,393
 If I give you my cat dictionary,
can you translate this for me?

196
00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:50,836
(HOLLY) I'll give it a go, Dave.
(TOASTER) Why you always asking him, I'll do it.

197
00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:52,911
You're a toaster.

198
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:57,039
Ehh. I was thinking of packing it in.
It's turning me into something I don't like.

199
00:11:57,120 --> 00:12:00,476
- I'm not a moaner by nature, you know?
- No, by nature, you're a toaster.

200
00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:04,235
It just strikes me that there might be
something more, something greater

201
00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:08,234
something unimaginably
more splendid than heating bread.

202
00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:12,416
- Lister, it's arrived!
- What has?

203
00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:14,256
- The UO! It's a pod!
- Where?

204
00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:15,832
- The observation room.
- Yes!

205
00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:18,070
No point in running, Lister.

206
00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:21,551
It's mine. I found it. I've got bagsies.

207
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:23,995
He's such a child, that boy.

208
00:12:28,160 --> 00:12:29,673
- Is it safe, Holly?
- Yes, Dave.

209
00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:33,430
Lister, no point in running. I found it and it's mine.

210
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:37,070
Calm down. Dead people
can have heart attacks, too, y'know?

211
00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:37,947
What is it?

212
00:12:37,971 --> 00:12:40,357
I don't know, it's obviously
some sort of alien capsule,

213
00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:42,795
and clearly they're intelligent, Lister.

214
00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:47,954
Ah, the chance to meet an intelligent
life form after 18 weeks alone with you.

215
00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:50,998
OK, Mr Intelligence, what are those markings?

216
00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:55,039
I don't know! I don't speak alien, you gimboid.

217
00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:57,513
(SATISFIED SIGH)

218
00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:01,631
What are you doing, Lister! We don't know if it's safe, it's quarantined!

219
00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:05,554
You might get some squiggly
slimy thing stuck to your face!

220
00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:08,996
Of course it's safe. Come in. Come on...

221
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:10,479
(GASPS)

222
00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:23,037
Ha-ha-ha (!) Tee-hee (!)
All right, Lister, we'll play it your way.

223
00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:24,660
But don't think you're
coming out of there,

224
00:13:24,684 --> 00:13:26,556
you're in there for a
month, you're in quarantine.

225
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:31,430
- What did you say, Rimmer?
- Why do you never do what I tell you, eh?

226
00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:34,080
Don't you think there's a shining
good reason why I'm your superior.

227
00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:36,936
- Yeah, you've been with the company for 15 years...
- No it's not!

228
00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:38,868
- ...and i've been with them for eight months

229
00:13:38,892 --> 00:13:40,799
No, it's not! It's because
I'm better than you.

230
00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:43,474
Better trained, better equipped, better...

231
00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:47,155
Better. Just... just better.

232
00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:49,436
That must mean that the rest
of the crew were better than you, then.

233
00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:54,390
No, it doesn't it means... I'm not going to let
you bait me, Lister. This is far too important.

234
00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:58,792
Just you wait here, keep that door closed
till I get back with the Skutters. Tyke.

235
00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:05,792
Oh, Rimmer's such a smeghead, man.

236
00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:10,350
Hey, hang on a minute.

237
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:14,197
Give me an R...

238
00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:16,999
Give me an E...

239
00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:19,356
Give me a D...

240
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:22,717
Give me a Red Dwarf garbage pod!

241
00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:28,239
Holly? Did Rimmer never work
in waste disposal?

242
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:29,913
No, Dave,

243
00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:34,517
It's one of our Red Dwarf garbage pods
with, like, the writing burnt off in places.

244
00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:38,878
- Why didn't you tell him?
- Well, it's a laugh, innit?

245
00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:45,837
(RIMMER) After intensive investigation, comma,

246
00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:49,709
of the markings on the alien pod, comma,

247
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:52,155
it has become clear, comma,

248
00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:54,231
to me, comma,

249
00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:56,311
that we are dealing, comma,

250
00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:59,916
with a species of awesome intellect, colon.

251
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,914
(HOLLY) Good. Perhaps they might be able
to give you a hand with your punctuation.

252
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:05,991
(RIMMER) Shut up.

253
00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:10,518
(SNORING)

254
00:15:11,760 --> 00:15:13,558
Lights.

255
00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:17,680
Lister, are you awake? Lister?

256
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:20,438
Lister?

257
00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:23,238
(SCREAMS) Lister!

258
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:26,278
- Are you awake?
- Yeah, yeah.

259
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:28,829
Yeah, I couldn't sleep either.

260
00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:31,275
- It's the excitement.
- What excitement?

261
00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:33,920
- The alien excitement!
- Rimmer, it's garbage.

262
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:38,631
You can scoff, Lister. That's nothing new, they laughed
at Galileo. They laughed at Edison.

263
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:41,394
- They laughed at Columbo.
- Who's Columbo?

264
00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:45,189
The man with the dirty mac
who discovered America.

265
00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:49,114
- What makes you think these aliens exist?
- They must do, Lister.

266
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:53,876
There's so many things that are strange and odd,
so many things we don't have an explanation for.

267
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:56,764
Like why do intelligent
people buy cinema hot dogs?

268
00:15:56,788 --> 00:15:59,592
D'you mean that sort of
weird and mysterious thing?

269
00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:02,240
No, Lister, I mean like the pyramids.

270
00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:06,359
How did they move such massive piece of stone
without the aid of modern technology?

271
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:09,592
They had massive whips, Rimmer.
Massive, massive whips.

272
00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:11,534
All right, then,
the Bermuda Triangle.

273
00:16:11,558 --> 00:16:14,117
Go on, explain that one.
You know all the answers.

274
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:16,345
No, I agree there, that
is a genuine mystery.

275
00:16:16,369 --> 00:16:19,593
How did a song like that ever
become a hit, it defies all reason.

276
00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:24,277
I just don't know why I bother. I'd get more sense
out of a squashed hedgehog.

277
00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:28,718
Lister, don't you ever stop and wonder? Why are we here?
What's the grand purpose?

278
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:32,953
Why does it have to be such a big deal?

279
00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:35,509
Why can't it be like, human
beings are a planetary disease,

280
00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:38,991
like Earth's got German measles
or facial herpes, right?

281
00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:42,994
That's why all the other planets
give us such a wide berth.

282
00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:46,675
It's like, "Don't go near Earth,
it's got human beings on it, they're contagious."

283
00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:51,391
So, you're saying, Lister,
you're an intergalactic, pus-filled coldsore?

284
00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:54,393
At last, Lister, we agree on something.

285
00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:57,950
What do you believe in, then? Do you believe in God?

286
00:16:58,040 --> 00:17:00,714
God, certainly not! What a preposterous thought!

287
00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:02,791
I believe in aliens, Lister.

288
00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:05,599
Oh, right, fine. Something sensible at last.

289
00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:11,551
Aliens, Lister, with technology so far in advance
of our own, we can't even begin to imagine.

290
00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:13,631
That's not difficult.

291
00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:17,475
Mankind hasn't even got the technology to
create a toupee that doesn't get big laughs.

292
00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:20,712
Aliens, Lister, who can give me a real body.

293
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:26,193
Ooh, I can't wait to see your face
in the morning, I really can't.

294
00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:28,920
And nor I yours, Lister, when that pod opens

295
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:32,038
and from it emerges a beautiful alien woman

296
00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:35,078
with long green hair and six breasts.

297
00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:38,278
Six breasts?!

298
00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:41,637
Imagine making love
to a woman with six breasts!

299
00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:44,473
Imagine making love to a woman.

300
00:17:52,360 --> 00:17:55,398
Good morning. How can I help you?

301
00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:59,360
- Buongiorno. Um, give me breakfast.
- What would you like?

302
00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:02,990
Er...chicken vindaloo and a milkshake.

303
00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:06,118
- What flavour milkshake?
- Um...beer.

304
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:07,998
(MACHINE HUMS)

305
00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:10,720
(HOLLY) Morning, Dave.
I've finished your translation.

306
00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:15,556
- Who's Cloister? Is it me?
- Yes, Dave. The cats have made you their god.

307
00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:18,871
Hey! Working-class kid makes good!

308
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:21,707
Your plan to buy a farm
on Fiji and open a hot-dog

309
00:18:21,731 --> 00:18:24,478
and doughnut diner has
become their image of heaven.

310
00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:27,598
- What?
- "And Cloister spake,

311
00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:32,993
"Lo, I shall lead you to Fuchal
And there we shall open a temple of food,

312
00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:37,074
wherein shall be sausages and savoury
doughnuts and all manner of bountiful things.

313
00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:40,278
"Yea, even individual sachets of mustard.

314
00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:44,319
"And those who serve
shall wear hats of great majesty,

315
00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:48,314
"Yea, though they be made of coloured cardboard
and have humorous arrows through the top"

316
00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:53,160
Does it say what happened
to the rest of the cats?

317
00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:57,393
Holy wars, there were thousands of years
of fighting, Dave, between the two factions.

318
00:18:57,480 --> 00:19:00,916
- What two factions?
- Well, the ones who believed the hat should be red,

319
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:03,276
and those who believed the hats should be blue.

320
00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:07,991
Do you mean, they had a war over whether
the doughnut diner hats were red or blue?

321
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:11,994
Yeah. Most of them were killed fighting
about that. It's daft really, innit?

322
00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:15,960
You're not kidding.
They were supposed to be green.

323
00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:21,038
- Go on, Hol
- Well finally, they called a truce,

324
00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:25,079
built two arks and left Red Dwarf
in search of Fuchal

325
00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:28,869
But there's no such place as Fuchal, it's Fiji.
I mean, how are they supposed to find it?

326
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,600
"And Cloister gave to Frankenstein
the sacred writing,

327
00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:35,435
"saying, 'Those who have wisdom
will know its meaning."

328
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:39,991
"And it was written thus:
seven socks, one shirt..."

329
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:44,438
That's my laundry list!
I lined the cat's basket with me laundry list!

330
00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:48,593
The Blue Hats thought it was a star chart
leading to the Promised Land.

331
00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:51,672
well, it wasn't. It was my dirty washing.

332
00:19:52,360 --> 00:19:54,351
What happened next, Hol?

333
00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:57,398
"And the ark that left first
followed the sacred signs,

334
00:19:57,480 --> 00:20:00,996
"and lo, they flew straight
into an asteroid.

335
00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:05,313
"And the righteous in the second ark flew ever onward,
knowing they were indeed righteous."

336
00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:08,233
This is terrible. Holy wars. Killing.

337
00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:13,030
They're just using religion as an excuse
to be extremely crappy to each other.

338
00:20:13,120 --> 00:20:15,111
So, what else is new?

339
00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:18,031
I'm not interested.

340
00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:21,078
They killed each other over which
coloured cardboard hats to wear.

341
00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:23,595
- I'm not interested.
- Don't you think it's amazing?

342
00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:27,150
You know what happened to people
who didn't eat hot dogs on Fuchal Day?

343
00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:29,914
They were stoned to
death by stale doughnuts.

344
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:32,992
Lister, what do you want me to say,
"Congratulations, you're God"?

345
00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:35,720
I'm talking about the suffering. People died.

346
00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:38,076
I mean cats... Cat people died.

347
00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:40,720
You've just come here to rub my nose in it.

348
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:43,173
I could've been God,
y'know, given a different start

349
00:20:43,197 --> 00:20:45,476
in life, given the lucky
show-biz break you had.

350
00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:50,714
- I don't want to be a god. That's the point!
- Vomitisation! I don't believe it!

351
00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:53,997
"I'm God, but it's a bit of a drag, actually"
Come on!

352
00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:57,311
I'm not a god! I've just been...misquoted.

353
00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:59,391
Lister, for my money, anyone
who goes around reading meaning

354
00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:02,677
into any old gobbledygook
deserves everything they get.

355
00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:05,878
I mean, if I'd had eight socks on
my laundry list instead of seven.

356
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:10,909
or if I owned more than one pair of
underpants, they might've have been safe.

357
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:14,038
I just wish I could meet them
and explain and apologise.

358
00:21:14,120 --> 00:21:16,754
Well, that would look
spectacular, wouldn't it, Lister!

359
00:21:16,778 --> 00:21:18,432
God returns in
all his splendour,

360
00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:21,114
and says, "Sorry it's all been a total cock-up!"

361
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:25,478
- I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to become their god!
- I didn't ask to be killed.

362
00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:28,598
Life's a bitch. Now smeg off, I'm busy.

363
00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:33,959
They just made stuff up. I'm supposed
to have given them five sacred laws.

364
00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:36,031
I've broken four of them meself.

365
00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:40,159
I'd have broken the fifth,
but there's no sheep on board.

366
00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:44,074
- Bye-bye.
- I mean, what sort of holy writ is this, Rimmer...?

367
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:49,030
- "It is a sin to be cool."
- LOOK, I'M SICK OF HEARING ABOUT THESE STUPID CATS!

368
00:21:49,120 --> 00:21:51,128
MY CONCERNS ARE SLIGHTLY
MORE MEANINGFUL THAN

369
00:21:51,152 --> 00:21:53,159
WHAT STUPID, SMEGGING
CARDBOARD HAT I'M WEARING

370
00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:55,356
I'm trying to decipher this!

371
00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:59,991
This is science, laddie! You can smirk, Lister
but I believe the Quagaars...

372
00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:03,232
- Quagars?
- Quagaars! It's a name I made up.

373
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:07,951
Double A, actually. I believe the Quagaars
have the technology to give me a new body!

374
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:11,192
- Never mind this tot, where's the Cat?
- Tot?!

375
00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:13,431
- Tot.
- Tot?!

376
00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:15,079
- Tot!
Tot?!

377
00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:18,994
We'll soon see how totty it is, laddie!
The quarantine period's nearly up!

378
00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:21,433
Bastard!

379
00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:25,278
Cat? Cat?

380
00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:26,953
(HONKS HORN)

381
00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:29,791
Holly, where's the Cat?

382
00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:32,349
He's no longer in my
supervision field, Dave.

383
00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:34,556
He's gone down to the cargo decks?

384
00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:38,474
I lost him as he entered Supply Pipe 28.

385
00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:41,393
Cat? Cat!

386
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:44,230
Cat! Come on, Cat.

387
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:49,479
Miaow! Come on, kitty, kitty!

388
00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:55,191
Cat, come on. The crispies are getting warm.

389
00:22:55,280 --> 00:22:57,396
Come on. Cat, come on.

390
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:02,116
Aow! Yeah! Yeah-yeah-yeah!

391
00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:05,556
Hey, fellas! Yes, sir. I'm back!

392
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:08,678
Feeling good! Feed me.

393
00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:11,149
You're always leaving me. Where do you go?

394
00:23:11,240 --> 00:23:13,800
Investigating! See, I have these feet...

395
00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:17,316
- I'm dying.
- I'm telling you about my feet.

396
00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:21,394
- My investigating feet.
- Don't you hear me? I'm dying!

397
00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:24,040
Yeah, but I'm talking about my feet.

398
00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:29,593
Why should you listen to me,
a blind old priest that's lost his faith?

399
00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:33,036
I'm not listening to you. I'm
trying to tell you about my feet.

400
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:36,033
- What do you care?
- I don't care!

401
00:23:36,120 --> 00:23:40,034
You're the one who's doing the dying, not
me. Why should I let it spoil my evening?

402
00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:43,153
Cat?

403
00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:46,719
Cat?

404
00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:56,074
Ooh, when I get you,
I'm going to turn you into a kebab.

405
00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:58,879
Holly? Can you still hear me?

406
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:04,439
Cat?

407
00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:06,199
Here.

408
00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:09,389
Burn the sacred hat.

409
00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:11,756
That's a fearsome hat.

410
00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:15,037
Burn it, burn it! It's a symbol of the lies.

411
00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:21,754
- It's burnt.
- All my life I've served a lie.

412
00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:25,356
Because you're not there, Cloister, are you?

413
00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:27,431
You've never been there!

414
00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:31,279
YOU DON'T EXIST!

415
00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:37,274
- Who's that?
- It is I, Cloister!

416
00:24:37,360 --> 00:24:41,354
- Who is it, boy?
- I told ya, it's me. It's Cloister. I've returnerethed.

417
00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:43,954
Is it him? Is it truly him?

418
00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:47,556
- Does he look like a king?
- A king?! Yeah!

419
00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:50,792
Is he wearing the doughnut
and the golden sausage?

420
00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:52,314
Yeah!

421
00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:55,677
Then it truly is him!

422
00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:59,196
Oh, I've failed you, Cloister.

423
00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:02,159
All these years, I kept my faith.

424
00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:07,155
I wore the Holy Custard Stain
and the Sacred Gravy Marks.

425
00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:10,350
I renounced coolness,

426
00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:14,320
and chose the righteous path of slobbiness.

427
00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:18,234
But in the end, I failed you.

428
00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:22,712
Why didn't you go on the arks
with the rest of the cats?

429
00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:27,078
They left us behind. The sick and the lame.

430
00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:29,390
Left us to die.

431
00:25:29,480 --> 00:25:34,839
But then the boy was born
to the cripple and the idiot.

432
00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:38,231
- What idiot?
- Your father, boy.

433
00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:43,394
- My father was a jellybrain?
- Yes, that's why he ate his own feet.

434
00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:45,153
I did wonder.

435
00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:50,155
As one by one we died, my faith died also.

436
00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:55,440
You tested me, Cloister, and I failed you.

437
00:25:55,520 --> 00:25:58,911
Oh, no, you didn't fail, old man. You passed.

438
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:02,630
I'm giving you...
I'm giving you an A+ distinction.

439
00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:06,912
You mean, there's a
place for me on Fuchal?

440
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:11,153
A place? Got your own bathroom,
en suite, cork floors,

441
00:26:11,240 --> 00:26:14,949
your own barbecue on the patio,
double-glazing, a phone and everything!

442
00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:17,031
Oh! My hat!

443
00:26:17,120 --> 00:26:21,318
I've burned my sacred hat!

444
00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:23,391
No, you haven't!

445
00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:28,391
A miracle!

446
00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:34,234
This is the happiest day of my...
(GROANS)

447
00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:45,510
Did I ever tell you about my feet?
My investigating feet?

448
00:26:45,600 --> 00:26:48,274
Once upon a time, there was an old man...

449
00:26:57,200 --> 00:26:59,316
Well? Are you ready for this, Rimmer?

450
00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:01,391
Open it! Open it!

451
00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:07,109
- Well? What's there?
- Are you sure you're ready for this, Rimmer?

452
00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:10,192
Yes! Come on, you gimboid!

453
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:19,078
Incredible! A stupendous moment
in my own personal history!

454
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:23,870
The perfectly preserved remains
of a Quagaar warrior!

455
00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:26,190
Yeah, right, Rimmer. Absolutely.

456
00:27:26,280 --> 00:27:29,671
They must have looked something like...

457
00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:31,751
a roast chicken.

458
00:27:36,880 --> 00:27:38,678
# It's cold outside

459
00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:40,273
# There's no kind of atmosphere... #

460
00:27:40,360 --> 00:27:42,351
(RIMMER) It's a garbage pod!

461
00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:45,558
# I'm all alone, more or less... #

462
00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:48,075
(RIMMER) It's a smegging garbage pod!

463
00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:51,357
# Let me fly far away from here

464
00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:54,319
# Fun, fun, fun

465
00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:57,950
# In the sun, sun, sun

466
00:27:58,040 --> 00:28:01,317
# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

467
00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:04,597
# Drinking fresh mango juice

468
00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:08,116
# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

469
00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:10,840
# Fun, fun, fun

470
00:28:10,920 --> 00:28:14,470
# In the sun, sun, sun

471
00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:17,234
# Fun, fun, fun

472
00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:21,678
# In the sun, sun, sun #