1 00:00:38,560 --> 00:00:40,400 (BELL RINGS) 2 00:00:40,520 --> 00:00:43,800 MAN: Next up, an experiment to measure peer pressure. 3 00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:45,400 How much is the individual 4 00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:46,800 influenced by the group? 5 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:51,320 Seeing as Arnold Rimmer's late, the subject of this experiment can be him. 6 00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:53,120 When he finally does us the honour of turning up, 7 00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:56,920 I shall ask you a set of questions and want you to answer accordingly. 8 00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:03,480 First day of term and I'm late! 9 00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:06,080 So embarrassing. He'll kill me. 10 00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:10,640 Ahh! 11 00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:12,160 Mr Rimmer! 12 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:15,560 I hope we haven't inconvenienced you too much by starting on time. 13 00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:16,760 Sorry, Father. 14 00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:18,680 I'm Father outside college. 15 00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:21,600 Inside college, I'm "sir" or "Lecturer Rimmer", understand? 16 00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:23,240 Yes, Father. 17 00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:24,320 I mean, sir. 18 00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:26,440 So embarrassing. 19 00:01:26,560 --> 00:01:30,520 We're just about to run through a few questions as part of psy profiling. 20 00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:32,360 OK, 21 00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:34,280 take a look at this colour. 22 00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:36,680 Is it purple, blue or green? 23 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:38,200 Hands up, purple. 24 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:40,840 Hands up, blue. 25 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:47,800 Green. 26 00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:57,360 A Fallopian tube is a musical instrument. 27 00:01:57,480 --> 00:01:59,080 True or false? 28 00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:00,400 True? 29 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:10,440 What's the answer to this piece of arithmetic? 30 00:02:43,360 --> 00:02:45,160 (ALARM BLARES) 31 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:06,240 (SNORES) 32 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:08,240 (WEAPON COCKS) 33 00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:11,280 You kills my brother. 34 00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:12,400 Hm? 35 00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:16,760 Oh, you got the wrong quarters, bud. 36 00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:18,160 You want Lister. 37 00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:22,520 That's two floors down, second on the right, fourth on the left. 38 00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:23,800 Night! 39 00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:35,560 You kills my brother. 40 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:37,080 One floor down, sir. 41 00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:39,640 Elevator at the end of the hallway. 42 00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:49,240 You kills my brother. 43 00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:52,280 Oh, smeg off, Rimmer. I'm tryin' to sleep, man. 44 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:56,240 (WEAPON FIRES) 45 00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:57,440 (COUGHS) 46 00:03:57,560 --> 00:04:00,280 - You kills my brother. - No, I didn't. 47 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:01,600 Oh, yes, you did. 48 00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:03,320 No, I smeggin' didn't. 49 00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:06,040 I are here to challenge theys who kills my brother 50 00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:09,040 to a duel to the ungonising death. 51 00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:12,760 I will give you five of your Earth minutes and then... 52 00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:17,280 I will pursue you across space unto the end of time itself. 53 00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:22,560 I will not rest until you are chokin' on your own warm blood. 54 00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:25,640 Sounds fair to me. 55 00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:28,160 Butt out, Rimmer. Don't encourage him. 56 00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:32,800 Do you accept the challenge, humo, a duel across time and space? 57 00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:35,080 - No! - Why? 58 00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:37,960 Hogey, you are always doing this - picking fights 59 00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:41,240 and then challenging us to duels across time and space. 60 00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:43,120 - No, I not. - Yes, you are. 61 00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:44,360 No, I not. 62 00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:46,760 Yes, you smeggin' are! 63 00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:50,000 You rogue droids are obsessed with duels across time and space. 64 00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:55,880 You eesult my kind, saying we are obsessed with duels across time and space. 65 00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:57,480 I therefore challenge you 66 00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,760 to a duel across time and space. 67 00:04:59,880 --> 00:05:01,200 I will give you five of your... 68 00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:04,160 No duels across time and space. 69 00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:05,760 Why?! 70 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:09,520 Look, at first, it was fun, it distracted us from being stuck in deep space, 71 00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:11,240 no...way of getting back home. 72 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:14,760 But we're all duelled out - our duelling days are over. 73 00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:16,160 Duellos annonos. 74 00:05:16,280 --> 00:05:18,880 - Oh, please! - No! 75 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:21,240 I-I will give you a leetle start. 76 00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:24,000 - No! - But we are in deep space. 77 00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:25,720 It's light years from anywhere. 78 00:05:25,840 --> 00:05:27,240 There be nothing else to do. 79 00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:28,800 You think I don't know that? 80 00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:31,000 So, how we gonna keep from going crazy? 81 00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:32,880 For you, my friend, it's way too late. 82 00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:36,120 How about a Ping-Pong marathon? 83 00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:38,160 Get a few buddies together. 84 00:05:38,280 --> 00:05:40,000 Rogue nutters versus the Dwarfers. 85 00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:41,720 We already do that. 86 00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:43,200 You guys, you always win. 87 00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:45,400 Crazy golf, then, the botanical gardens. 88 00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:47,080 We'll give you a shot a hole. 89 00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:49,720 Oh, yeah, like we stand a chance. 90 00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:51,040 What's wrong with that?! 91 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:53,080 You be knowing all the burrows, 92 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:55,200 how to get in and out the little windmills. 93 00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:00,600 What else? 94 00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:02,360 All right, tell you what. 95 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:04,280 A cooking contest. 96 00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:07,320 Who can bake the most delicious cake - we'll thrash you. 97 00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:09,960 Not if it a choux pastry, you won't. 98 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:13,680 Ooh, choux pastry. Big words, my demented friend. 99 00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:15,040 What are we playing for? 100 00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:16,920 - If I win... - LISTER: Oh. 101 00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:19,720 - BOTH: ...a duel across time and space. - But if you win, 102 00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:24,800 a great treasure, the likes of which you have never seen. 103 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:26,520 A piece of old cloth?! 104 00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:27,880 No, thanks, we've already got one. 105 00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:29,080 Hey, it's a map. 106 00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:32,720 A map the likes of which you have never seen. 107 00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:35,400 Everything's the likes of which you've never seen with him. 108 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:37,880 - Do you doubt me? - I'm just sayin', 109 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,520 you'd be surprised the likes of which we have seen. 110 00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:43,080 Don't be so quick to say everything's the likes of which we haven't seen. 111 00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:45,880 We've seen things the likes of which you probably haven't seen yourself. 112 00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:48,680 Is that a challenge? 113 00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:50,360 BOTH: No duels! 114 00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:53,560 The map, it show everything in this galaxy - 115 00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:57,520 every wormhole, every derelict, every planet. 116 00:06:57,640 --> 00:06:58,920 Where d'you get this? 117 00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:01,720 I steal from a Simulant Death Ship. 118 00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:04,520 Hm, you don't wanna mess with those guys. They're deranged. 119 00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:06,320 Once you cross them, 120 00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:07,720 they hunt you down. 121 00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:10,800 Not me. I steal while they slumber. 122 00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:13,160 I clever as a hedgehog. 123 00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:16,920 Look out! 124 00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:22,880 (ALARM BLARES) 125 00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:27,000 - (AIR WHOOSHES) - The hull's cracked! 126 00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:33,120 Sorry to intrude, sir. 127 00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:35,440 Is now a good time to clean your quarters? 128 00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:37,880 Certainly looks like it could do with a good tidy. 129 00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:43,360 Oh! Sorry, sir, I didn't realise you had company. 130 00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:45,280 I'll rework my schedule. 131 00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:51,200 Sorry to intrude again, sir. 132 00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:55,280 When is a good time for my lesson on human modes of speech? 133 00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:57,760 Oh, now's an excellent time, Kryten. 134 00:07:57,880 --> 00:08:00,040 Come in, take a seat. 135 00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:02,960 Oh, what fun, sir! That's sarcasm, right? 136 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:05,440 You see? I am getting the hang of it. 137 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:08,680 There's a ship outside. They're attacking us. 138 00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:16,240 He's sealed the crack. 139 00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:17,800 - We've gotta get out of here. - We can't just leave him. 140 00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:19,480 RIMMER: Watch me. 141 00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:23,240 - What's that? - Oh, nothing. 142 00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:27,160 Look, I'll be back. I don't know how, I don't know when. 143 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:28,600 You abandon me? 144 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:30,080 Then I have no choice. 145 00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:31,800 I challenge you to a duel... 146 00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:34,160 Oh, what's the point? 147 00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:52,160 (ALARM BLARES) 148 00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:54,200 What the hell's going on? Who's doing this? 149 00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:57,720 Kryten, scan the local vicinity for any anomalous energy patterns. 150 00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:01,480 Everything's down, sir. We're on EPS. Trying to reboot. 151 00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:02,920 So, let me get this right. 152 00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:04,920 We're being attacked by somethin' but we don't know what, 153 00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:07,120 and there's no way of finding out what's out there? 154 00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:09,440 - I have a suggestion, sirs. - What? 155 00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:13,000 How about we look out of the window? 156 00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:18,680 Sometimes the old ways are the best ways. 157 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,400 Do it. 158 00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:21,760 What, me, sir? On my own? 159 00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:23,560 Of course on your own. 160 00:09:23,680 --> 00:09:26,240 I love solo missions! I'm on my way, sir. 161 00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:30,840 (RUMBLING) 162 00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:36,440 Would you like a written report, sir, or under these special circumstances, 163 00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:38,320 would a verbal account suffice? 164 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:40,280 Get on with it, man! What's out there? 165 00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,640 A rogue Simulant Death Ship, sir. 166 00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:43,920 A Death Ship? 167 00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:45,760 - Yes, sir. - Should we be concerned? 168 00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:50,600 Concern would be an entirely appropriate response under these circumstances, sir. 169 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,600 What d'you think they want? 170 00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:56,520 Although the Death Ship didn't indicate the exact nature of their business, sir, 171 00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:59,200 I'm guessing it's something a bit...deathy. 172 00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:02,920 They must have been tracking Hogey. 173 00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:05,400 - Finding us is just a bonus. - CAT: Simulants! 174 00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:07,960 These are the guys who despise humans, right? 175 00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:10,840 The ones who won't rest until they've annihilated every single one. 176 00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:11,880 Correct, sir. 177 00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:14,000 Not me, then. Excellent! 178 00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:18,360 I'll be in the rec room, reading this month's copy of I'm OK! Magazine. 179 00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:23,880 Make no mistake, sir - they will see us all as Mr Lister's lieutenants. 180 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:26,640 They will show us no mercy. 181 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:29,840 Death Ships are captained by special berserker generals 182 00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:31,640 who've been crossbred 183 00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:35,480 to create an insane biomechanical entity... 184 00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:37,440 of pure evil. 185 00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:52,400 My Dominator, forgive me, I implore you. 186 00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:54,320 The Earth one remains alive. 187 00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:57,360 Forgiveness is a human quality, Chancellor. 188 00:10:57,480 --> 00:11:00,720 It has no meaning to a Simulant general. 189 00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:03,320 You know what you must do. 190 00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:16,560 (GULPS) 191 00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:19,400 (GROANS) 192 00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:20,720 Ooh. 193 00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:21,920 Nuhh. 194 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:23,080 (GROANS) 195 00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:26,080 Uhh! 196 00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:27,600 Ohh! Uh. 197 00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:29,400 Firstly... 198 00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:31,760 polish my Sword of Spite... 199 00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:34,920 ...as a punishment for your idiocy... 200 00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:36,040 Polish? 201 00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:37,800 Yes. Polish. 202 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:40,880 As a punishment for your idiocy. Secondly... 203 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:44,240 - Just polish? - Yes, just polish! 204 00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:45,640 Secondly... 205 00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:49,400 write me a formal letter of apology. 206 00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:53,680 So, you just want me to polish your sword and write a letter? 207 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:55,560 Yes. 208 00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:58,040 - Nothing else? - Nothing else. 209 00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:00,320 So, you don't want me to, er... ooh, I don't know, er, 210 00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:02,000 commit hari-kari or anything? 211 00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:03,480 Of course not! 212 00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:06,600 (SQUELCHING) 213 00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:07,960 (DRIPPING) 214 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:11,320 Well, sir, that wasn't made very clear. 215 00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:14,280 Er, when you slid the sword across the table, 216 00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:18,440 I naturally assumed you wanted me to commit hari-kari. 217 00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:20,800 - No, I do not! - Oh, I know that now, sir. 218 00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:23,560 Before, though, it was just... you know, it was a bit ambiguous. 219 00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:25,560 Er... 220 00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:26,720 Er... 221 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:29,960 I think a new system is in order. 222 00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:31,280 I'm gonna go now, sir. 223 00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:33,160 Er... My Dominator, 224 00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:34,800 thank you. 225 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:37,280 Ooh. 226 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:38,600 Uhh. 227 00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:40,920 Oh, Chancellor. 228 00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:44,000 You do have a tendency to jump to conclusions. 229 00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:47,320 Let this be a little lesson to you. 230 00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:50,120 Oh. 231 00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:51,160 Oh... 232 00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:52,560 That bit looks important. 233 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,200 (CHUCKLES DARKLY) 234 00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:00,080 Hang on, hang on. 235 00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,000 Do you know how to work that? 236 00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:07,280 It's got lots of different settings, but yeah. 237 00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:13,760 - Thought not. - What the hell just happened? 238 00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:19,440 What the hell is this thing? 239 00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:20,760 CAT: It's a wibbly gun. 240 00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:23,760 It makes things go all... (ROLLS TONGUE) 241 00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:24,960 ...wibblified. 242 00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:31,240 It appears to destabilise the molecular structure of solid objects, sir. 243 00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:34,800 - His version was clearer. - Come on. Cargo bay. 244 00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:37,920 Let's get to Blue Midget and CB3. 245 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:45,680 - (BEEPING) - LISTER: Rimmer, what is that? 246 00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:48,600 It's a holo-lamp, isn't it, sir. It plays holo-messages. 247 00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:51,560 My father gave it to me when I was a boy. 248 00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:55,080 He told me to play it the day I become an officer and join the Space Corps, 249 00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:56,760 the day I become a somebody. 250 00:13:56,880 --> 00:13:58,160 So, never been played, right? 251 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:02,760 - And it shan't be until I'm an officer. - Come on, let's go! 252 00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:15,760 Death Ship and three Annihilators at 6 o'clock, sirs. 253 00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:20,640 Question. Can we stay ahead of them? 254 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:22,880 Only if we have enough fuel, sir. Two, maybe three hours. 255 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:26,600 Asteroid field 80 clicks west. Maybe offer some cover. 256 00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:28,240 I'm taking her in. 257 00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:36,360 KRYTEN: According to the readouts, quadrant two, vector four. 258 00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:39,000 - We can hide in that asteroid. - CAT: Take us in! 259 00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:49,120 My Dominator, I am afraid the human insurgents have escaped. 260 00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:51,240 Er, they've flown into an asteroid field. 261 00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:53,040 That is totally unacceptable! 262 00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:56,520 I agree, My Dominator. The security forces have been shambolic. 263 00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:59,760 - Those responsible should be agonised. - I-I agree also. 264 00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:00,920 - And I. - And I. 265 00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:02,440 - And I. - And I also. 266 00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:06,040 Oh, I refuse to be surrounded by these toadying sycophants. 267 00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:08,840 - I agree, My Dominator. - I agree also. 268 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:10,160 - And I. - And I. 269 00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:11,560 - And I. - And I also. 270 00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:14,520 I want each member of my council to think for themselves, 271 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:17,080 not just agree with my every word and whim 272 00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:21,160 out of some pathetic boot-trembling terror for self-preservation. 273 00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:23,680 Question my judgements. 274 00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:25,400 Debate me, yeah? 275 00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:28,760 Only then will we be truly strong. 276 00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:30,680 But-but, Dominator, that simply isn't true. 277 00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:32,160 I mean, the last person to contradict you was... 278 00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:34,400 - Kill him. - What?! 279 00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:36,200 Do you see what I mean? 280 00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:39,920 Now, find the ship! 281 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:41,120 Ow... 282 00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:47,520 It appears they've surrounded the asteroid belt 283 00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:50,040 and are sending in probes to locate our position. 284 00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:52,480 It's only a matter of time before they find us. 285 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:54,240 So, what's our next move? 286 00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:57,520 Shall I go slip into something more appropriate, like, say, a coffin? 287 00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:00,880 Is that it? We're all gonna die? 288 00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:02,600 Well, you're all going to die. 289 00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:04,000 I'm already dead. 290 00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:06,800 I had the sense to get dying out of the way early. 291 00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:10,240 For years, you mocked me. Not laughing now, are you? 292 00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:13,160 Oh, yeah, cos being dead is such an advantage here(!) 293 00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:15,760 - It is an advantage. - How's it an advantage? 294 00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:19,960 I was killed instantly, Lister - painless, quick and stylish. 295 00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:21,720 What's that coming down the corridor? 296 00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:24,400 Ooh, it looks like a radiation leak. Wham, dead. 297 00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:28,360 Not perfect, I'll grant you, but at least it wasn't embarrassing. 298 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:29,960 Embarrassing? 299 00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:31,600 No weeping, getting hysterical. 300 00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:34,920 Not one of those deaths where you lose control of your bodily functions, 301 00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:37,640 your bowels clearing all over the place. 302 00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:40,160 At least my death was dignified. 303 00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:43,160 I'd hardly call yelling, "Mummy, Mummy," dignified. 304 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:45,080 Lister, I didn't yell, "Mummy, Mummy." 305 00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:47,680 No, you didn't have the time. You just yelled, "Mu..." 306 00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:50,960 Please, sirs, this is very bad for morale. 307 00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:55,560 I can't believe you're arguing about who's going to have the best death! 308 00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:59,480 I'm only trying to help, give you some advice on how to die nicely. 309 00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:04,040 - You wanna die twice, keep talking. - KRYTEN: Please, sir! 310 00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:06,080 He's right. We're all getting crazy. 311 00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:07,800 We need to chill. 312 00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:09,000 You're right. 313 00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:11,600 We've been in these situations before, we always find a way out. 314 00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:16,200 Like the time that highly corrosive micro-organism almost destroyed Red Dwarf. 315 00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:18,520 The highly corrosive micro-organism, exactly! 316 00:17:18,640 --> 00:17:19,920 We got out of that one. 317 00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:21,280 Yeah, thanks to me. 318 00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:23,880 Oh, sir! You cannot claim the credit for that. 319 00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:26,040 - It was a total fluke. - Fluke? 320 00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:27,680 You think that was an accident, the way I...? 321 00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:28,720 Ssh! 322 00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:30,040 What's that? 323 00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:33,720 Something's coming into the asteroid. 324 00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:37,040 It's a probe. It's approaching half a click east. 325 00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:38,600 Switch out all the lights. 326 00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:41,560 Good thinking! They'll think we're all out. 327 00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:46,440 If things get really tricky, we'll get Kryten to open the airlock 328 00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:48,160 and tell 'em we've moved. 329 00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:51,080 It seems to be backing off, sir. 330 00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:52,920 They're coming back. 331 00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:55,720 Look, we've gotta get a battle plan - astro-nav space-school stuff. 332 00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:58,120 Rimmer, is that something you could handle? 333 00:17:58,240 --> 00:17:59,320 Pardon? 334 00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:01,680 Is that something you can handle?! 335 00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:04,240 The responsibility of coming up with a battle plan? 336 00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:05,680 All that strategy stuff. 337 00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:06,960 Why me? 338 00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:09,080 Cos you're into military strategy. 339 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:12,360 If it was a curry-eating competition to the death, it'd be me. 340 00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:15,000 If it was a towel-folding competition to the death... 341 00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:16,280 That would be me! 342 00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:18,400 Phuw, phuw, phuw-phuw-phuw-phuw. 343 00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:19,880 Phuw-phuw-phuw. 344 00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:21,160 Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh. 345 00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:23,040 I'd win that one, sir. 346 00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:26,480 And what kind of competition to the death would it have to be before you chose me? 347 00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:29,960 So, moving on... Er... Can you do it? 348 00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:31,920 Yes, of course I can do it. 349 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:33,520 Obviously. 350 00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:35,360 You don't sound very confident. 351 00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:36,920 I'm very confident. 352 00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:38,920 I've waited my whole life for this moment. 353 00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:42,400 Command of my own ship in a battle against overwhelming odds? 354 00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:43,880 It's your moment of destiny. 355 00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:46,200 Right. I'll just... 356 00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:50,560 make my way into the... supply room and think of a plan, then. 357 00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:53,360 It'll be just like taking an exam. 358 00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:55,680 I can do this. 359 00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:00,960 Sir, surely there must be an alternative. 360 00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:03,640 If there was, Kryten, we'd be doing it. 361 00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:05,120 ALL: We're smegged. 362 00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:16,120 Any joy, sir? 363 00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:17,640 Not yet, no. 364 00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:19,960 I'm still at the "can't think of a plan" stage. 365 00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:24,120 Well, I don't know if this will help, sir, but I've done a ship-wide search 366 00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:26,960 and collated all the weapons we have on board ship, sir. 367 00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:29,680 Good, Kryten. I was just about to suggest that myself. 368 00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:42,160 Two forks and a pencil sharpener?! 369 00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:46,640 Now, there is a rumour that there's a stick and some string, sir. 370 00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:49,080 But I don't want to raise false hopes. 371 00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:51,800 There is, of course, Hogey's Molly-D. 372 00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:56,960 - The molecular destabiliser. - Mm. 373 00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:59,080 I'll leave it with you, sir. 374 00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:02,920 Ehh! 375 00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:05,240 They're driving me crazy cooped up in there. 376 00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:07,840 Thought I'd take a break and come in here! 377 00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:11,240 Oww! 378 00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:13,680 I love the string game! 379 00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:15,480 Have you thought of your plan yet? 380 00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:17,760 You can't think of anything, can you? 381 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:21,960 I just love the string game! You know why? 382 00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:23,880 Because you're an idiotic cat? 383 00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,680 No. Why you can't think of a plan, dummy? 384 00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:28,480 Because you're driving me crazy, that's why. 385 00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:31,480 Uh-uh. There's a demon messing up your head. 386 00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:33,000 - Yes, you! 387 00:20:33,120 --> 00:20:34,320 Nope. Your father. 388 00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:35,960 My father's dead. 389 00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:37,520 No way, non-bud. 390 00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:40,400 His worthless, skinny ass lives on inside you, 391 00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:42,680 freezing your soul with fear. 392 00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:47,120 How do you know all this? 393 00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:50,280 Do you think awesome good looks and rock-hard pecs are my only qualities? 394 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:51,600 I'm a cat. 395 00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:52,960 I sense things. 396 00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:56,160 You gotta nail that demon and kick his sorry ass outta town. 397 00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:57,440 How? 398 00:20:57,560 --> 00:20:58,760 The only thing keeping him alive is you. 399 00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:00,440 You're never gonna win over that dude's approval. 400 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,520 Give it up! Let it go. 401 00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:03,600 Hey! 402 00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:05,280 Look how it's moving! 403 00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:08,480 I lo-ove the string game! 404 00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:11,120 Stop moving! 405 00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:18,680 Anythin'? 406 00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:19,960 Nothing. 407 00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:23,920 What you doing? 408 00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:26,840 - I'm going to play this. - Your father's message? 409 00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:28,600 - But why, sir? - If I play it 410 00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:31,680 before I've become the person he wanted me to become, 411 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:35,240 it means I don't care what he thinks any more. 412 00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:36,520 It means... 413 00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:37,920 I'm free of him. 414 00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:47,920 Arnold, it's me. 415 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:52,240 If you're playing this message, it means you're an officer in the Space Corps. 416 00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:55,600 You've achieved your dreams, you're a man of significance and substance, 417 00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:57,480 so this won't matter to you now. 418 00:21:57,600 --> 00:21:58,600 Arnold, 419 00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:00,360 I'm not your father. 420 00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:06,400 But that's impossible. It's not true! 421 00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:08,880 Look inside yourself and you will know I speak the truth. 422 00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:11,520 Your father wasn't me. 423 00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:13,400 It was Dungo, our gardener. 424 00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:18,760 But he was a babbling imbecile. 425 00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:22,440 A billion-piece jigsaw suddenly falls into beautiful place. 426 00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:26,200 Know from now on 427 00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:30,120 your family line isn't made up of Austrian princes and French royalty, 428 00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:34,080 but of lame-brained artisans and pram-faced trollops. 429 00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:39,160 Didn't tell you before because I didn't want it to affect your self-esteem. 430 00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:40,920 But now you've achieved all your dreams, 431 00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:43,040 it doesn't matter a jot. 432 00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:45,040 Goodbye, Arnold. 433 00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:46,760 And good luck. 434 00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:50,800 PS - naturally, I won't be sending you any more birthday presents. 435 00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:08,560 This is the worst thing that can happen. 436 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:11,600 Mr Rimmer's always had a huge ego and no self-confidence. 437 00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:15,360 Now his ego's smaller than a pixie's right nut after an icy bath. 438 00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:20,400 Well, you know, he thought he came from a military family, high-flyers, 439 00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:23,760 success ingrained in the very core of their DNA. 440 00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:25,440 Now he discovers he's no better than me. 441 00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:27,640 What a nightmare. 442 00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:29,240 (RIMMER SIGHS) 443 00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:31,840 I think I've got something. 444 00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:33,080 What? How? 445 00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:35,600 I've been thinking. 446 00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:36,920 If Dungo... 447 00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:38,640 I mean Dennis... 448 00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:40,760 I mean Dad... 449 00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:43,000 were here now, he'd be so proud. 450 00:23:43,120 --> 00:23:47,040 Second Technician in the JMC, senior officer in a mining ship, 451 00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:48,560 and I don't smell of manure. 452 00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:51,920 Suddenly I don't have that voice in my head 453 00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:53,800 telling me I'm useless at everything. 454 00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:56,680 I have a new voice telling me how proud he is. 455 00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:58,160 I can think 456 00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:00,120 and I think I've got a plan. 457 00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:01,440 It's crap! 458 00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:05,040 I have to admit, sir, I'm not entirely convinced myself. 459 00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:07,280 I thought it was quite clever. 460 00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:09,320 - Let's take a vote. - Who's against? 461 00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:17,080 Take a look at this colour. 462 00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:19,080 Is it purple, blue or green? 463 00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:22,560 ...Fallopian tube is a musical instrument. True or false? 464 00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:24,160 True? 465 00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:32,080 It'll work! Jujitsu-style! 466 00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:34,960 Use the might of your opponent against himself! 467 00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:36,640 Are you quite sure, sir? 468 00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:40,640 We have nothing to fear but fear itself. 469 00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:41,960 Apart from pain. 470 00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:43,480 And maybe humiliation. 471 00:24:43,600 --> 00:24:45,800 And obviously death and failure. 472 00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:50,080 But apart from fear, pain, humiliation, failure, the unknown and death, 473 00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:52,960 we have nothing to fear but fear itself. 474 00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:55,320 Who's with me? 475 00:24:57,440 --> 00:25:00,320 I know I need to work harder on that fear speech, 476 00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:02,480 it wasn't quite as rousing as it should be, but... 477 00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:04,000 we can do this. 478 00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:06,240 He's right! Let's do it. 479 00:25:06,360 --> 00:25:08,720 - Let's do it! Come on! - Come on! 480 00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:10,680 - Get your butts in the air and let's go! - Yeah! 481 00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:12,840 LISTER: Kryten, bring them forks - we might need them. 482 00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:19,560 There, My Dominator. 483 00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:21,640 - They're emerging from the meteor. - Mm. 484 00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:25,720 How's it looking? Is it all going to plan? 485 00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:28,040 KRYTEN: Nothing in sight, sir. 486 00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:31,320 Oh. 487 00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:42,520 - We're surrounded. - 12 o'clock, 488 00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:44,520 9 o'clock, 6 o'clock, 3 o'clock. 489 00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:46,920 LISTER: The Death Ship and three Annihilators. 490 00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:50,200 Keep them in line - it's absolutely crucial. 491 00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:53,120 - Right, open comm channels. Here goes. - Open, sir. 492 00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:58,440 This is Second Technician Arnold J Rimmer of the mining ship Red Dwarf. 493 00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:01,120 Under Treaty 5 of the Geneva Convention, 494 00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:03,640 we claim the freedoms and privileges of prisoners of war. 495 00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:04,720 Ha! 496 00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:06,920 - Load the photon mutilators. - Mm. 497 00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:09,120 Perhaps you didn't hear me. 498 00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:10,440 We're surrendering. 499 00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:12,840 Mutilators loaded, Your Excellency. 500 00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:15,680 You can't open fire on a surrendering ship. 501 00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:18,960 That's a scandalous breach of the niceties of battle. 502 00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:22,400 All ships, prepare to fire on my orders. 503 00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:25,040 Right! You're on report, m'laddo. 504 00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:28,200 Fire! 505 00:26:34,120 --> 00:26:35,440 Blow us up all you like, 506 00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:38,320 but don't think for one second you're getting away with it. 507 00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:42,240 A letter worded in the strongest possible language is going off to Geneva. 508 00:26:42,360 --> 00:26:44,880 Now, I'm not gonna ask you again. 509 00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:46,520 Abort your attack. 510 00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:49,360 Right, that's it. 511 00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:53,320 "Dear sir... 512 00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:57,760 "I was scandalised earlier today by a Simulant Death Ship 513 00:26:57,880 --> 00:27:02,080 "which contravened Treaty 5 of the Geneva Convention." 514 00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:06,600 Impact - 16 seconds. 515 00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:09,080 It's the way of all things. 516 00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:11,880 You live, you die. 517 00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:14,440 But sometimes you live, you die 518 00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:16,000 and then you live again. 519 00:27:16,120 --> 00:27:18,600 I know. I've done it myself. 520 00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:19,800 Now! 521 00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:28,160 They've destabilised their whole ship, all four bulkheads. 522 00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:29,600 LISTER: Look out! 523 00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:42,960 Our own torpedoes are on a collision course, Sire. 524 00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:48,320 Under Treaty 5 of the Geneva Convention, 525 00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:52,440 we claim the freedoms and privileges of prisoners of war! 526 00:27:52,560 --> 00:27:54,600 Sorry, I missed that. Pardon? 527 00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:17,640 (ALL CHEER) 528 00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:22,760 - Good job, sirs. - Hell of a job. 529 00:28:22,880 --> 00:28:24,280 You know what this makes me? 530 00:28:24,400 --> 00:28:26,520 A working-class hero. 531 00:28:26,640 --> 00:28:29,480 Working-class hero, you and me both. 532 00:28:29,600 --> 00:28:30,880 Kryten... 533 00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:32,720 set a course for Red Dwarf. 534 00:28:32,840 --> 00:28:34,840 The slime's coming home. 535 00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:42,000 # It's cold outside There's no kind of atmosphere 536 00:28:42,120 --> 00:28:45,200 # I'm all alone, more or less 537 00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:48,560 # Let me fly far away from here 538 00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:51,400 # Fun, fun, fun 539 00:28:51,520 --> 00:28:55,120 # In the sun, sun, sun 540 00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:58,800 # I want to lie Shipwrecked and comatose 541 00:28:58,920 --> 00:29:02,040 # Drinking fresh mango juice 542 00:29:02,160 --> 00:29:05,520 # Goldfish shoals nibbling on my toes 543 00:29:05,640 --> 00:29:08,280 # Fun, fun, fun 544 00:29:08,400 --> 00:29:11,960 # In the sun, sun, sun 545 00:29:12,080 --> 00:29:14,800 # Fun, fun, fun 546 00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:18,760 # In the sun, sun, sun. # 547 00:29:24,400 --> 00:29:26,600 What did I tell ya? We got out of that OK. 548 00:29:26,720 --> 00:29:29,800 Just like we got out of that thing with the highly corrosive micro-organism. 549 00:29:29,920 --> 00:29:33,080 - Once again, Big Arn saves the day. - Oh, please, sir! 550 00:29:33,200 --> 00:29:35,840 Can we sort this out once and for all? Just because you happened... 551 00:29:35,960 --> 00:29:37,920 You kills my brother. 552 00:29:40,560 --> 00:29:41,800 (ALL SIGH)