1
00:00:02,080 --> 00:00:04,080
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

2
00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:43,520
Oh, Inga.

3
00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:46,440
Inga.

4
00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:48,520
Inga.

5
00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:50,680
Bud, wake up.

6
00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:54,000
- Huh?
- Who's Inga?

7
00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:58,320
Oh, just someone I met at a party
thrown by a giraffe called Gerald.

8
00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:01,240
She wanted me to fly with her to Paris,

9
00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:03,600
but she had a wooden head
and was afraid of forks.

10
00:01:05,040 --> 00:01:06,800
There's no future in it.

11
00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:09,600
According to Freud's
lexicon of dream symbols,

12
00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:12,280
flying is supposed to be
a metaphor for sex.

13
00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:16,320
Absolute poppycock,
I dream of flying all the time.

14
00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:21,640
It's certainly nothing to do with sex.

15
00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:23,240
It's always the same dream.

16
00:01:23,320 --> 00:01:26,400
I'm in a Boeing 727
and it can't take off.

17
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:33,280
I'm sitting there with
a tiny bag of nuts I can't get open,

18
00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:38,600
then, suddenly, after one giant tug,
and much to my embarrassment,

19
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:42,320
the whole bag explodes
over premium economy.

20
00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:46,920
Now tell me, because I don't see it,

21
00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:49,960
how on earth is that
anything to do with sex?

22
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:52,680
(MACHINE BUZZES)

23
00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:56,600
Sirs, I'm picking up something from
the other side of that asteroid field.

24
00:01:57,240 --> 00:02:00,520
It's a deep space explorer ship
and it's in big trouble.

25
00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:10,840
(MACHINE BEEPING)

26
00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:28,480
(PRINTER WHIRRING)

27
00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:34,760
(WHIRRING)

28
00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:39,360
(STALLING)

29
00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:52,960
- Getting anything?
- The signal's weak.

30
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:54,440
The magnetite in the asteroids

31
00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:56,400
is distorting everything
in the local vicinity.

32
00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:59,920
Try dropping frequencies,
see if we can circumnavigate the storm.

33
00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:02,640
"Try dropping frequencies.
See if we can circumnavigate the storm"?

34
00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:03,920
What are you talking about?

35
00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:05,320
Oh, it worked, sir.

36
00:03:07,640 --> 00:03:09,040
Good call.

37
00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:11,440
Ident details coming in.

38
00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:13,480
It's a space called
deep space scout ship,

39
00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:15,920
gravity antimatter propulsion engines,
state-of-the-art tech.

40
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:19,360
It's even got one of those big captainy
chairs with the flip across picnic tray.

41
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:21,760
I'd kill for one of those.

42
00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:23,720
You can captain your way
through a space battle

43
00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:26,400
and have a TV dinner at the same time.

44
00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:29,040
- Crew?
- Coming through now, sir.

45
00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:32,840
According to their manifest,
the crew total is half.

46
00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:37,320
- Half what?
- I don't know, sir.

47
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:39,480
(BEEPING)

48
00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:42,600
(THUMPING)

49
00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:46,360
(PRINTER WHIRRING)

50
00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:09,000
Hey, now it's saying
the total crew is one.

51
00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:11,280
What the hell is going on?

52
00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:14,600
Ah, best guess,
the Nautilus is bio-printing its crew,

53
00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:17,080
which was fashionable
in the 24th century

54
00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:19,320
where unmanned ships
were sent into space

55
00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:22,840
and only after they encountered
a point of interest, need or danger

56
00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:24,920
were the crew best suited
for the mission

57
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:26,760
printed from the bio-library.

58
00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:28,760
These dudes are gonna be human, right?

59
00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:32,760
Human-like, they're created
from synthetic stem cells,

60
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,320
but like many movie stars,

61
00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:37,680
they'll be incapable of
having children in the normal way.

62
00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:41,440
Also, their lifespan will only last
the length of their mission,

63
00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:43,720
in this case, save the Nautilus.

64
00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:46,920
Okay, okay,
we've got pictures coming through.

65
00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:48,280
(STATIC)

66
00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:52,320
This is Captain Edwin Herring of
the SS Nautilus. Can you read me? Over.

67
00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:55,480
Copy Nautilus, but there's
something wrong with our video feed.

68
00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:59,360
From our end you look like
a hideous 19th-century circus freak.

69
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:03,520
Bud, you look like you're wearing
a toupee made of face.

70
00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:07,120
Yeah, one look at you
and even the Elephant Man

71
00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:09,400
would wanna jump
in his mum and dad's bed.

72
00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:11,520
Our bio-printer jammed, it's faulty.

73
00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:14,920
My face has been printed
on the top of my head. Any advice?

74
00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:16,920
Yeah, don't wear a hat.

75
00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:20,480
What's my situation,
obviously, it's difficult to see.

76
00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:22,960
It appears, sir,
your engines are burnt out

77
00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:26,800
and you're drifting into the heart
of a class C asteroid storm.

78
00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:28,680
I'm carrying varenium.

79
00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:30,320
If the storm penetrates my hull,

80
00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:33,560
I'm done for, and so is everything
in the local vicinity. Can you help?

81
00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:36,960
Our two ships are separated
by the asteroid storm,

82
00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:38,560
we'll never get 'round it in time.

83
00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:40,520
- Are you sure?
- Of course we're sure.

84
00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:42,960
It's as plain as the nose on your head.

85
00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:46,760
What about your escape pods?
Maybe use one of those.

86
00:05:46,840 --> 00:05:48,080
Too late, they've escaped.

87
00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:50,560
That's what happens when you give
machines artificial intelligence,

88
00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:52,000
they just look after number one.

89
00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:55,040
Perhaps you should print some more
of your crew, sir. Get assistance.

90
00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:58,280
I've just told you,
my bio-printer's faulty, you cretin.

91
00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:00,560
My visuals are...
What's your name, crewman?

92
00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:02,720
Dave Lister, sir.

93
00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:05,840
- Don't speak again, Lister, understand?
- Yes, Sir.

94
00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:08,120
- I'm done for, aren't I?
- (BEEPING)

95
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:11,360
Sirs, intel coming in,
it's much as I feared.

96
00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:15,280
The nearer the Nautilus gets to us,
the more we, ourselves, are in danger.

97
00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:16,680
How do you make that one out?

98
00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:20,360
If the Nautilus is destroyed
in its present position we're safe,

99
00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:22,680
but when the Nautilus enters
the asteroid storm...

100
00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:25,840
The varenium goes up
and the blast radius nukes us too.

101
00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:28,320
We've only got one option.

102
00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:29,920
(BEEPING)

103
00:06:34,840 --> 00:06:37,200
You just launched
a mining torpedo at him.

104
00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:40,080
- It's too late to intercept.
- Rimmer, what have you done?

105
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:42,040
I've just save all our necks,
that's what I've done,

106
00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:43,320
it was the only option.

107
00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:45,040
Impact, one minute and counting.

108
00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:47,760
You've gotta tell him, you've gotta tell
Herring what you've done.

109
00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:50,320
What, tell him I've just nuked his ship,
I'm not telling him that.

110
00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:52,480
- Why not?
- He won't like me.

111
00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:05,960
I've been hit! I'm spinning out!

112
00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:12,760
That was the most insanely brilliant,

113
00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:15,600
ballsiest tactical manoeuvre
I've ever witnessed.

114
00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:18,160
Who fired that missile?

115
00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:20,720
Me, sir, Arnold J Rimmer.

116
00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:23,520
You mean you took off my wing,

117
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:26,320
knowing it would knock me out
of the asteroid storm?

118
00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:28,040
That's genius, Rimmer.

119
00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:30,920
They don't call me
Old Iron Balls for nothing, sir.

120
00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:34,800
I owe you my life, man.

121
00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:36,520
What's your rank?

122
00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:37,800
Second tech, sir.

123
00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:39,400
Not any longer.

124
00:07:39,480 --> 00:07:43,120
I'm promoting you to Officer, Rimmer.

125
00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:48,480
I'll send the authorisation through now.
I look forward to meeting you.

126
00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:52,040
We'll head back to Red Dwarf sir,
and then pick you up.

127
00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:53,640
Officer Rimmer.

128
00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:57,720
After all these years. Oh, yes.

129
00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:03,800
You are genuine, pedigree,
thoroughbred scum, aren't you, Rimmer?

130
00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:07,120
 That's Officer Rimmer to you,
Private Nothing.

131
00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:21,040
To do, ramscoop MOT.

132
00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:25,840
We're just eight hours
from Captain Herring's ship, sir,

133
00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,760
I also have the paperwork
confirming your promotion.

134
00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:33,120
According to protocol 712,
there'll need to be an accolade

135
00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:36,400
so that you can be officially accredited
as an officer.

136
00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:40,800
Mmm, a simple affair, Kryten,
I don't want anything too special.

137
00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:42,840
We'll have it in the Hall of Heroes.

138
00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:47,400
Champagne, canapés,
maybe a very quick six-gun salute,

139
00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:49,400
let's not get carried away.

140
00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:53,280
Then, perhaps, a short tribute to me,
no more than an hour,

141
00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:57,040
and then I'll outline my plans
to open a new Officers Club on D deck.

142
00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,600
A new Officers Club, sir?

143
00:08:58,880 --> 00:09:00,320
(EXHALES)

144
00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:03,960
Somewhere with an atmosphere
of understated luxury

145
00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:06,560
where officers can unwind
in their precious hours

146
00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:08,800
away from the grind of command.

147
00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:12,560
Oh, so, basically, sir,
you're instigating a class system.

148
00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:16,240
The haves, me, the have-nots, you lot.

149
00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:18,720
One question, sir.

150
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,800
The fact that you've been
awarded officer-hood

151
00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:22,680
by an act of gross deception,

152
00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:25,040
does that in any way
take the sheen off it?

153
00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:26,640
Not really, no.

154
00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:30,880
It's about getting there, Kryten,
not how you get there.

155
00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:33,880
I made love to a beautiful woman
in her apartment last night,

156
00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:34,960
that's important.

157
00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:38,160
How did you get there? Bike or bus?
Not important.

158
00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:48,120
Zero G Sports, where is it?

159
00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:51,120
We were up to match day four,
where's it gone?

160
00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:54,160
Zero G Sports
is an officer-only channel.

161
00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:58,480
Has Rimmer been smegging around
with our TV package?

162
00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:00,320
We've only got the lame stations.

163
00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:04,120
The 24-hour knitting channel.

164
00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:06,480
The hat channel?

165
00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:08,040
Amish MTV?

166
00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:11,480
We haven't got
the totally unnecessarily massive,

167
00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:13,800
repeat sports package any more.
Look at this.

168
00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:16,480
ANNOUNCER ON TV: Tonight at 7:00,
premier league croquet.

169
00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:18,920
Eastbourne Ladies versus
Gloucestershire Girls.

170
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,560
It's a grudge match.

171
00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:22,520
Gosh.

172
00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:25,880
It's not too bad. Hot dog?

173
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:31,040
Attention, attention,
Officer Rimmer here.

174
00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:35,040
We'll shortly be approaching SS Nautilus
to welcome Captain Herring.

175
00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:38,040
Would all lower orders
please make their way to B deck?

176
00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:42,920
What the smeg's this?

177
00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:47,320
Why is the old service lift
been turned into the grunts Lift?

178
00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:51,080
So the rank and file can travel
between floors with their own kind.

179
00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:53,080
Meantime, you use the officer's lift,

180
00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:56,520
which we can't use on account
of the fact that we're not "officery".

181
00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:59,680
It's one of the privileges of rank,
Third Technician.

182
00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:03,720
(BEEPING)

183
00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:07,040
Gentlemen,
I bid you a temporary farewell.

184
00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:08,560
(LIFT DINGS)

185
00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:17,400
- Hot towel for you, sir.
- Ah, thank you.

186
00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:20,280
KRYTEN: Facial mist for you, sir.

187
00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:22,200
Lovely.

188
00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:27,480
Complimentary executive beverage
for you, sir.

189
00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:28,960
Most kind.

190
00:11:29,640 --> 00:11:31,040
(LIFT DOOR BEEPS)

191
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:37,040
That'll be all. Run along.

192
00:11:45,680 --> 00:11:47,160
(DOOR CREAKING)

193
00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:49,000
GRUNT LIFT: Floor?

194
00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:51,880
Floor? I said floor.

195
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:54,200
- Landing bay, please.
- What?

196
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:55,360
Landing bay.

197
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:58,000
Okay, keep your hair on.
I'm not deaf. am I?

198
00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:02,120
Has he interfered with the lift somehow,
made it ruder?

199
00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:05,480
OFFICER LIFT:
Have a wonderful onward journey

200
00:12:05,560 --> 00:12:08,160
and we look forward to going down
with you again soon.

201
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:09,840
Ah, enchanting.

202
00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:17,400
Oh, how hot was that Lift?
My diodes are almost cooked.

203
00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:21,040
And look at my hair,
I've lost volume, height, bounce.

204
00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:23,160
No way am I putting up with this.

205
00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:25,000
A problem, Private Zero?

206
00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:28,360
Rimmer, if you think for one minute...

207
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:31,280
"Officer's Corridor"? What's this?

208
00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:34,520
He's had the skutters refurb
the old tube tunnel.

209
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:37,840
See you at the end of the corridor.
Bon voyage.

210
00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:47,520
This corridor's got the best
of everything, air con, music.

211
00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:52,000
Look, he doesn't even have to walk.

212
00:13:05,240 --> 00:13:07,080
(WHISTLE BLOWING)

213
00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:12,720
Welcome aboard, Captain Herring.

214
00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:15,000
That's a hell of a ceiling
you've got, Rimmer.

215
00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:16,760
The latticework's stunning.

216
00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:18,880
You're most kind, sir.

217
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:22,120
Not massively important,
but this is our crew.

218
00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:24,960
- Cat.

219
00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:27,200
- Kryten.
- Uh-huh.

220
00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:29,160
And Third Technician Lister.

221
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:32,000
Ah, is this Lister?

222
00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:35,720
(CHUCKLES) I can tell he's no good
just by feeling him.

223
00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:39,480
I'm on to you, Lister,
don't think I'm not.

224
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:42,880
Which reminds me, Rimmer,

225
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:46,120
I might've been a bit hasty
promoting you to officer.

226
00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:49,120
I should've promoted you
to First Lieutenant and now I have.

227
00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:50,360
Congratulations.

228
00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:51,800
(MOANS)

229
00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:53,720
Thank you so much, sir.

230
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:56,200
What's the situation with
the Nautilus, Flight Lieutenant?

231
00:13:56,640 --> 00:14:00,160
Oh, that's me. The skutters
are unloading your cargo, sir.

232
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:02,280
The ship's done for, I'm afraid.

233
00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:05,400
Well, the cargo's safe, at least,
that means my mission's up.

234
00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:12,480
How are we gonna get him demoted now?

235
00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:14,640
How indeed?

236
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:30,200
MMmm.

237
00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:32,840
Yes, elegant, stylish.

238
00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:36,000
This'll suit me and my fellow officers
down to the ground, Kryten.

239
00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:37,480
How are you coming along
with the bio-printer?

240
00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:39,960
- Ah, I've repaired it, sir.
- So soon? How?

241
00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:42,040
I gave it a good kicking.

242
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:45,200
I thought you didn't believe
in hitting machines.

243
00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:48,120
Oh, photocopiers and printers
are an exception, sir.

244
00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:50,560
We're just waiting for it to calibrate.

245
00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:53,760
Good and then we can start to bio-print
the Nautilus' crew?

246
00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:55,440
- Indeed.
- Excellent.

247
00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:58,160
I want to print out all those
who ranked below me,

248
00:14:58,240 --> 00:14:59,920
regardless of job or profession.

249
00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:02,240
Shouldn't we speak to Mr Lister, sir?

250
00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:05,000
Kryten, bio-printing
is an officer-only privilege.

251
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:08,720
Decisions of this magnitude
can't be left to a lowly technician.

252
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:13,320
Sir, are you familiar with
the Abraham Lincoln quotation on power?

253
00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:14,520
Lincoln, the President?

254
00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:17,440
- He got assassinated at the theatre.
- Indeed.

255
00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:19,720
I've never been a fan
of the theatre, Kryten.

256
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:22,920
My mother used to take me,
and some of the most excruciating hours

257
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:24,760
of my life have been spent there.

258
00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:28,520
Sometimes, the greater tragedy is going
to the theatre and not getting shot.

259
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:30,120
You were saying?

260
00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:35,280
Lincoln once said, "If you want to test
a man's character, give him power."

261
00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:36,880
And Officer Rimmer once said,

262
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:40,400
"If you want to feel my boot up
your recharge socket, keep talking."

263
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:49,400
So we can print out any of these people?

264
00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:50,520
Yeah.

265
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,560
What about her?

266
00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:55,640
A fitness ball lady
in tight Lycra shorts?

267
00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:57,640
She can't demote anybody.

268
00:15:57,720 --> 00:15:59,960
So what if she can't?
I can see past that.

269
00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:01,960
Sirs.

270
00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:04,720
No, wait, wait, wait, wait,
go back, go back, go back.

271
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:06,240
That's you.

272
00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:08,800
That's me. How's that me?

273
00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:11,960
Your genome was
in the Nautilus' database?

274
00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:13,520
What? How?

275
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:15,120
Ah.

276
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:17,080
Ah.

277
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:19,200
Ah...

278
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:22,520
I think I might've flogged it.

279
00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:25,120
You flogged your genome?

280
00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:28,720
Yeah, I was a kid and my mate, Dodgy,
offered me $£100

281
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:31,040
and half a packet of fags for it.

282
00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:33,280
All I had to do was
put some saliva on a stick.

283
00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:37,160
You sold the rights to your unique
haploid set of chromosomes, sir?

284
00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:42,080
You traded away the map categorising
every detail of your genetic make-up

285
00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:46,040
for $£100
and half a packet of fags?

286
00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:53,320
You think he should've held out
for a whole pack?

287
00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:57,800
Sir, this means someone else holds
the copyright to you.

288
00:16:57,880 --> 00:16:59,360
You don't own yourself.

289
00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:02,880
What? Like every time I take a leak
I'm handling stolen goods?

290
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:05,880
Look, we're three millions years
into the big black.

291
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:07,800
No one's coming out here. Who cares?

292
00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:10,120
- Exactly. We're cool.
- Cool.

293
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:13,160
Sir, I don't think you appreciate
what you've done.

294
00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:19,920
Thousands of different companies have
taken out a licence to produce yous.

295
00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:22,640
You're like writing software
that people can buy

296
00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:24,200
and then use as they like.

297
00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:27,560
- What and do what they want with?
- Mmm, here's one.

298
00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:30,840
Licence, 10 years, 3,000 Listers,

299
00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:34,800
Sandex Communication Listers
to be used in call centres.

300
00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:41,760
Do you mean all those smart-arse
Scousers in call centres are me?

301
00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:46,320
I've had those Johnnys,
they're a pain in the backside.

302
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:49,080
They know nothing and they sound like
they don't wanna be there.

303
00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:51,240
They don't, sir, they're you.

304
00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:53,880
What have you done, bud?

305
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:58,920
So Rimmer is gonna use this machine
to produce people who will obey him.

306
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:02,480
Never being born has gotta be better
than a life like that.

307
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:05,800
We've gotta wipe the database, Kryten.
Delete it all right now.

308
00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:10,120
I can't, sir, I have to print out
a new crew as instructed.

309
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:13,720
Now Mr Rimmer's a Flight Lieutenant,
I can't refuse his orders.

310
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:15,800
Well, I'll do it,
just tell me what to do.

311
00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:20,640
Sir, if you think I am going
to select all these files,

312
00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:27,680
and then take my leave, taking my leave,

313
00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:32,560
so you can press that button there,
you've got another thing coming.

314
00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:43,000
The entire database has deleted itself?

315
00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:46,920
Check bio-printer, this is
going down in my daily to-do list.

316
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:48,720
- How?
- It's a mystery, sir.

317
00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:50,720
I bet Lister's behind this.

318
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:53,600
Isn't it possible to print anyone?
I need a crew to command.

319
00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:57,280
Well, in theory it is possible
to insert a piece of DNA

320
00:18:57,360 --> 00:18:59,760
into the bio-printer
and have it produce a genome.

321
00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:01,640
But who would we print?

322
00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:06,400
My mind's on file in the holo-suite
and my DNA's on all my old belongings.

323
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:09,560
With the remaining bio-ink
we could produce 50 versions of me,

324
00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:13,000
make them all officers
so as Flight Lieutenant, I am over them,

325
00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:16,600
and then we can have Officers Club
crammed full of Rimmers.

326
00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:20,760
Sir, history tells us that you and you
is a very bad mix.

327
00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:23,440
You and 50 yous is beyond horrific.

328
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:27,360
Not if I'm their Commanding Officer,
then they'll do what I want.

329
00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:31,040
Move the bio-printer to one
of the junk rooms and double security.

330
00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:33,960
Things are about to get
a whole lot more Rimmery.

331
00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:37,640
(PRINTER WHIRRING)

332
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:43,680
You what? Officers' Club?

333
00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:50,600
RIMMER CLONES: Evening.

334
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:55,040
- Where'd they come from?
- He's bio-printing Rimmers.

335
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:56,920
We gotta kill that damn machine
before he prints any more.

336
00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:07,240
(TALKING AND LAUGHING INDISTINCTLY)

337
00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:17,240
Ah, gentlemen, welcome.
Do you have a reservation?

338
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:21,760
Where's the bio-printer, Rimmer?
Is it here, because we're going in.

339
00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:24,920
I'm afraid I can't let you in
unless you're on the list.

340
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:26,160
Let me see.

341
00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:30,000
Stop screwing around, Rimmer.

342
00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:33,200
Have you moved the bio-printer
to somewhere in the Officers' Club?

343
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:35,440
Sorry, you don't appear to be here.

344
00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:38,120
Rimmer, party of two, 8:30 p.m.

345
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:40,400
Come in, how lovely to see you again.

346
00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:42,160
Nice to see you.

347
00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:45,200
How many did he print?

348
00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:46,880
Rimmer party.

349
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:50,400
Four? Straight through,
cloakrooms on the left. Enjoy.

350
00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:54,120
How many have you printed,
you smeg head?

351
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:57,520
You can't use bio-ink
to print more Rimmers, Rimmer.

352
00:20:57,600 --> 00:21:00,600
Yeah, we need that ink
to print proper people.

353
00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:02,840
Hey, what the hell is this?

354
00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:04,840
We're the barbershop quartet.

355
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:06,160
Any ID?

356
00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:14,680
(VOCALISING)

357
00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:24,560
# Mr Rimmer, we are what we seem

358
00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:25,800
# Rim, Rim, Rim, Rim

359
00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:28,880
# The cutest quartet
that you've ever seen

360
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:30,000
# Rim, Rim, Rim, Rim

361
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:33,320
# We've got four mouths
a duet times two

362
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:34,400
# Rim, Rim, Rim, Rim

363
00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:37,960
# This barbershop quartet
Is singing for you #

364
00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:41,800
That is entertainment. In you go.

365
00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:43,760
I've had enough of this tossing about.

366
00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:45,920
Come on, we're going in.
I've got a cravat.

367
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:47,760
Hey. Hey.

368
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:52,840
- Ah, hot towel, sir?
- Move.

369
00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:55,080
- Facial spray?
- Enough.

370
00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:56,720
They barged their way
into the Officers' Club

371
00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:57,800
and I need some bouncers.

372
00:21:57,880 --> 00:22:00,400
Print four more mes
and make them huge, muscly and brave.

373
00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:02,440
- Can the bio-printer do that?
- In theory, sir.

374
00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:05,400
A complimentary executive
corridor beverage, sir?

375
00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:06,880
Don't start.

376
00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:11,360
Adjustments made, sir.

377
00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:14,320
(MACHINE WHIRRING)

378
00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:16,000
Why isn't it printing?

379
00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:19,440
Well, the new settings need
extra time to calibrate, sir.

380
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:21,600
We'll just have to be
a little bit patient.

381
00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:23,440
I have been patient.

382
00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:28,520
What's wrong with it?
The damn thing. Come on.

383
00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:30,800
(PRINTER WHIRRING)

384
00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:32,720
Come on, come on, come on.

385
00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:34,720
At last.

386
00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:37,680
(STALLING)

387
00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:40,880
The first one's got stuck,
we need a midwife.

388
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:42,400
KRYTEN: We'll have to do it ourselves.

389
00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:48,800
Pull, Kryten. Pull me, pull.

390
00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:01,840
What the hell is that thing?

391
00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:07,560
Come on.

392
00:23:08,360 --> 00:23:09,840
(GROWLING)

393
00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:14,800
(GROWLING)

394
00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:27,000
(SNARLING)

395
00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:32,240
(WHIMPERS)

396
00:23:37,360 --> 00:23:38,760
(GROWLING)

397
00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:43,120
(BEEPING)

398
00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:47,280
Officer's lift on floor 15, sir.
We've got to take the grunts.

399
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:51,520
Get me out of here, pronto.

400
00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:53,200
GRUNT LIFT: I'm busy, okay?

401
00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:54,320
Just close the doors,

402
00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:56,320
there's a deranged
version of me out there.

403
00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:58,040
There's one in here, too.

404
00:23:58,160 --> 00:24:00,800
I'll take the stairs, sir.
We've got to tell the others.

405
00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:02,640
(ALARM BEEPING)

406
00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:05,000
- (KRYTEN GASPS)
- (GROWLING)

407
00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:06,200
(GASPS)

408
00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:10,120
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Just close the doors, please.

409
00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:13,320
Hold the lift, don't close, wait for me.

410
00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:14,640
(GRUNTS)

411
00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:17,480
Officer's quarters now.

412
00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:20,120
GRUNT LIFT: Okay, keep your hair on.
I'm not deaf. am I?

413
00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:29,160
Right, I've rigged up
a monitor wirelessly

414
00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:31,120
from the CCTV footage.

415
00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:34,800
From this, we can see where the
Rimmer monster is and what it's doing.

416
00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:36,360
(BEEPING)

417
00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:40,360
CAT: It's gone into the Officer's deck.

418
00:24:41,120 --> 00:24:43,000
(SCREAMING)

419
00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:49,640
- Let me in.
- LISTER: Are you on the list?

420
00:24:49,720 --> 00:24:51,360
Your name's not down, you can't come in.

421
00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:53,600
- Riff raff only.
- I'm gonna get absorbed.

422
00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:55,840
You're gonna have to admit
you're a grunt, total grunt.

423
00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:58,000
You're gonna have to resign
your First Lieutenantship.

424
00:24:58,080 --> 00:25:00,000
But I worked so hard for it.

425
00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:03,480
- You did nothing.
- But I did it so well.

426
00:25:04,280 --> 00:25:05,680
(GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION)

427
00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:09,720
Okay, okay, I resign. Just let me in.

428
00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:11,720
(EXHALES)

429
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:15,600
Stand back, Technician 2.0.

430
00:25:18,880 --> 00:25:20,160
What is that thing?

431
00:25:20,240 --> 00:25:24,160
The human body is built of cells
with specific fixed roles, sir.

432
00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:27,840
Stem cells on the other hand
can become any other type of cell.

433
00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:29,880
What? Reprogrammable?

434
00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:33,720
So when the printer jammed and did
a mash-up of all the countless Rimmers,

435
00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:36,640
it didn't just combine the sum
of your parts physically,

436
00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:38,960
it amalgamated all your faults.

437
00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:40,280
I've got faults?

438
00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:44,200
Your lust for power, your impatience,
your insecurity.

439
00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:45,280
Yes, all right.

440
00:25:45,360 --> 00:25:47,040
Your stupidity, your greed,
your arrogance.

441
00:25:47,120 --> 00:25:48,240
Yes, thank you, Kryten.

442
00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:52,400
And ordered these stem cells to make
a creature to accommodate them all.

443
00:25:54,360 --> 00:25:55,640
CAT: So how do we kill it?

444
00:25:56,120 --> 00:25:57,840
I have an idea, sir.

445
00:25:57,920 --> 00:26:00,680
But it does involve using you as bait.

446
00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:03,600
I love it already.

447
00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:08,440
(RIMMER MONSTER GROWLING)

448
00:26:27,080 --> 00:26:29,400
We'll have to go the long way round.

449
00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:47,080
We can't shoot,
it might take out Mr Rimmer.

450
00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:48,880
And the downside of that is?

451
00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:52,080
I've got it. Hey, what are you doing?

452
00:26:52,360 --> 00:26:54,960
(DISTORTED)
We are going to absorb the final Rimmer.

453
00:26:55,040 --> 00:26:57,080
Aye, then what you gonna do?

454
00:26:57,160 --> 00:26:59,160
We haven't decided yet.

455
00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:01,000
You what?
Have you not made a to-do list?

456
00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:06,240
We need to make a to-do list?
We should always make a to-do list.

457
00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:07,840
Have you got a pen?

458
00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:10,120
We always have a pen.

459
00:27:14,240 --> 00:27:16,000
Well, then, write that list.

460
00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:19,960
Oh, and don't forget
to put the last thing

461
00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:21,600
you're gonna be doing on that list.

462
00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:25,320
What's that?

463
00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:27,440
- Dying.
- (SHOTS FIRING)

464
00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:29,240
(THEME SONG PLAYING)

465
00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:32,760
# It's cold outside
There's no kind of atmosphere

466
00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:36,080
# We're all alone
More or less

467
00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:39,440
# Let me fly
Far away from here

468
00:27:39,520 --> 00:27:45,720
# Fun, fun, fun
In the sun, sun, sun

469
00:27:46,120 --> 00:27:49,440
# I want to lie
Shipwrecked and comatose

470
00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:52,640
# Drinking fresh mango juice

471
00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:56,120
# Gold fish shoals nibbling at my toes

472
00:27:56,200 --> 00:28:02,400
# Fun, fun, fun
In the sun, sun, sun

473
00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:09,560
# Fun, fun, fun
In the sun, sun, sun #