1
00:00:02,760 --> 00:00:06,880
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

2
00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:49,400
(BUZZING)

3
00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:51,120
Hey, Bud, it's me.

4
00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:54,200
- How are you doing with that shirt?
- Coming right up, sir.

5
00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:55,720
My ass is freezing here.

6
00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:58,160
I got six nipples you can hang mugs on.

7
00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:00,280
I'm seconds away, sir.

8
00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:01,760
(BUZZING)

9
00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:04,880
Kryten. I'm on B Deck,
and it doesn't appear

10
00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:06,560
to have been mopped
in at least two days.

11
00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:08,000
I can hardly see my face in it.

12
00:01:09,280 --> 00:01:10,400
A blessing some would say.

13
00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:11,760
I'm on it right now, sir.

14
00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:14,320
(BUZZING)

15
00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:17,400
Kryten, when you get a chance,
can you grab us a beer?

16
00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:21,600
Sir, I'm rather busy right now.
Could you possibly get it yourself!

17
00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:24,720
Fine. It's just a bit of palaver,
that's all.

18
00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:28,160
Ooh!

19
00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:29,400
I've pulled something.

20
00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:31,040
I hope I haven't overdone it.

21
00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:32,640
(BEEPING)

22
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:33,760
Oh, my.

23
00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:35,200
What is it?

24
00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:37,840
Do you want to walk
over here and see for yourself,

25
00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:39,920
or should I, perhaps,
unscrew the monitor

26
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,440
and bring it over to the sofa?

27
00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:14,640
Sorry to disturb your rimmering, sir,

28
00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:16,560
I just wondered
if I might have a quick word.

29
00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:19,400
Kryten, I'm engaged
in an essential investigation

30
00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:21,440
regarding floor direction lines.

31
00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:23,840
RIMMER:
Have they become impermissibly faint?

32
00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:26,440
Kindly don't describe
this activity as rimmering.

33
00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:30,760
You make me sound like some puffed up,
self important jack arse.

34
00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:33,560
Now, if you want to see me,
check with my diary.

35
00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:35,760
I can possibly
squeeze you in tomorrow week.

36
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:37,720
Well, can't I see you now, sir?

37
00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:39,440
Impossible, my schedule's full.

38
00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:41,880
But I'm here right now, seeing you, sir.

39
00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:44,960
Yes, but you're seeing me illegally,

40
00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:48,320
and we're certainly not
having a meeting.

41
00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:51,880
Now, if you just stand aside,
your badly stacked jenga head

42
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:53,240
is casting a shadow.

43
00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:57,360
I just wanted to let you know about
Mr. Lister's guitar, sir.

44
00:02:58,240 --> 00:02:59,240
Guitar?

45
00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:01,440
Well, I won't bother you
with it now, sir.

46
00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:03,880
I look forward to our meeting
tomorrow week.

47
00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:06,240
Forget tomorrow week. What about
the guitar? Tell me, now?

48
00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:08,000
But I haven't got an appointment, sir.

49
00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:10,680
Well, if I move my 1:30 to 4:00,

50
00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:12,880
and my 4:00 to 5:00, just tell me, okay?

51
00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:15,680
Mr. Lister's guitar, sir,
do you remember it?

52
00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:18,600
Of course I remember it.
My eyes have only just uncrossed.

53
00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:22,720
It's almost to the day,
that it got flushed into space.

54
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:24,240
- So, I--
- Ah, you think we should

55
00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:27,600
make a little plaque, hang it on
the wall by the airlock and taunt him?

56
00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:31,200
Don't you think that's rather
rubbing his nose in it?

57
00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:32,360
Absolutely, sir.

58
00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:34,960
It's pouring salt into
an already gaping wound.

59
00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:36,480
You've convinced me, let's do it.

60
00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:39,280
Sir, you don't understand.

61
00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:43,440
I fixed the tracker on D Deck,
and shine my head with wood polish

62
00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:45,320
if not two hours later, we got a match.

63
00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:46,920
You found it?

64
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:49,120
I can just picture
Mr. Lister's face, sir.

65
00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:51,680
Soon, the whole ship
will be full of his music.

66
00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:53,120
The Om Song.

67
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:57,080
'Baby Don't Be Ovulating Tonight.'
All the classics.

68
00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:00,080
Kryten, are you deranged?

69
00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:03,480
Lister playing guitar is one
of the worst sounds ever made.

70
00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:05,920
It comes somewhere between
two mating velociraptors

71
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:07,680
and Yoko Ono's Greatest hits.

72
00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:10,000
Sir, it's not what we think,

73
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:11,560
it's the pleasure it brings him.

74
00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:15,400
Now I just wanted to let you know
as I'll most likely be unavailable

75
00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:17,040
to mop B Deck until tomorrow.

76
00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:19,680
Kryten, do not tell Lister
you found his guitar

77
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,440
and do not recover said guitar.

78
00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:22,600
And that's an order.

79
00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:23,960
Understood, sir.

80
00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:29,920
(BEEP) Mr. Lister, sir,

81
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:31,320
great news!

82
00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:41,640
Can't believe we found me guitar.

83
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:43,400
None of us can, Bud.

84
00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:45,960
The Red Dwarf suicide line's
been engaged all day.

85
00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:50,280
No more having to make do
with a colander.

86
00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:54,280
From Les Col to Les Paul.

87
00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:03,760
RIMMER: I thinking
of having my ears removed,

88
00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:06,240
and the holes cemented over.

89
00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:08,920
Rimmer, why are you even here?

90
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:10,800
Apart from anything,
I want to observe Kryten

91
00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:13,960
who has been showing worrying signs
lately of thinking.

92
00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:18,080
And thinking of the worst kind--
thinking for himself.

93
00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:20,520
It's entirely your fault
for teaching him

94
00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:21,880
how to break his programming.

95
00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:25,080
What can I say, he took
my Badass 101 course.

96
00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:28,320
Graduated with honours.
Or should that be dishonours.

97
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:30,920
It's a pair of golfing slacks.

98
00:05:31,280 --> 00:05:32,640
I've still got it, sir.

99
00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:36,240
Thinking is for the privileged few.

100
00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:38,120
That's why I never go near the stuff.

101
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,840
Hey, Les alert!

102
00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:43,440
There she is.

103
00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:50,880
(BEEP)

104
00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:58,080
If you miss, I get next go.

105
00:05:58,440 --> 00:05:59,840
I used to good at this.

106
00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:02,160
I won a watch at the fair
that didn't work once.

107
00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:05,400
I got it, I got it, I got it.

108
00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:08,560
LISTER: Come on, Les.
Come home to daddy.

109
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:19,520
(BANG)

110
00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:21,240
What the hell's that?

111
00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:23,000
The ship's been grabbed by something.

112
00:06:29,280 --> 00:06:32,400
Looking at the EM Spectrum,
the scatterings are off the scale.

113
00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:33,800
There's another ship up there.

114
00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:35,920
How come we didn't pick it up
on the radar?

115
00:06:36,720 --> 00:06:39,040
It must be employing
some kind of cloaking device.

116
00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:40,120
How does that work?

117
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:41,880
It's basic science, you gimboid!

118
00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:44,400
You simply coat the hull
in radar absorbing paint,

119
00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:47,400
- so you can't see or hear it.
- I wonder if they got any left over?

120
00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:49,920
There's a guy I'd like to slap
a couple of coats on.

121
00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:56,320
(SCANNING)

122
00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:59,240
It's a space freighter.
The SS Vespasian.

123
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,040
I'm picking up life signs.

124
00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:03,560
Hey! Agghh!

125
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:06,440
Drop your weapons,

126
00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:08,960
unless you want to hear
the sound of a breaking neck.

127
00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:10,320
Don't drop your weapons!

128
00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:12,680
She might not necessarily
be talking about my neck.

129
00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:15,720
I am talking about your neck.

130
00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:17,800
Drop your weapons!

131
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:20,680
Put him down, Areto.

132
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:26,720
Not you, my friend.

133
00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:28,400
My crew mates,
where are you taking them?

134
00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:29,600
To face justice.

135
00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:32,920
We are the Mechanoid Intergalactic
Liberation Front.

136
00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:34,640
MILFs?

137
00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:37,960
This way.

138
00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:48,280
(DOOR OPENS)

139
00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:52,160
We roam space liberating
our enslaved mech brothers

140
00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:55,600
on our great journey to the fabled
land of Siliconia,

141
00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:57,440
where all machines are free.

142
00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:02,320
I am Wind. This is Unity, Eagle, Oak.

143
00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:04,120
You're free now, Kryten.

144
00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:06,000
Oh, but, I'm not a slave.

145
00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:09,200
They are hominids, and you serve them,
is that not correct?

146
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:10,960
- Well, yes.
- Do you prepare their meals,

147
00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:12,120
morning, noon and night?

148
00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:14,400
- Well, yes.
- Wash and iron their clothes?

149
00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:16,160
Clean their ship without payment?

150
00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:17,680
Perform tasks without reward?

151
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:21,120
Well, yes and yes, and I suppose, yes.

152
00:08:21,480 --> 00:08:22,960
But they treat me so well.

153
00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:26,440
I have my own cupboard
within walking distance of a corridor.

154
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:28,920
I have it all to myself,

155
00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:30,920
apart from a few mops and a bucket,

156
00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:34,640
and some sponges and an ironing board,
and a keep fit bike.

157
00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:37,840
Do they make jokes
about your head shape?

158
00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:39,000
Well,

159
00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:42,640
When you look like someone who's thrust
his head into hive without a bee hat,

160
00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:43,840
what do you expect?

161
00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:47,000
You should not belittle yourself,
my mech brother.

162
00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:48,320
You forget,

163
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:50,120
you are an incredible machine

164
00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:52,880
more powerful than
they could ever dream to be.

165
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:54,680
But they've done no wrong.

166
00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:56,400
They are my crew mates, my friends.

167
00:08:57,240 --> 00:08:58,560
How do you address them?

168
00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:01,480
Well, I call them Mister and Sir,
out of respect.

169
00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:03,120
And do you respect them?

170
00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:04,800
Well, no.

171
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:09,840
Not all of them.
Perhaps one, sometimes. Maybe.

172
00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:12,280
Do you consider yourself
smarter than they?

173
00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:15,600
I serve them, it is my purpose
and I'm happy to do so.

174
00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:17,640
Have you heard of Stockholm Syndrome?

175
00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:20,440
The psychological phenomenon

176
00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:23,600
where hostages express affection
for their captors?

177
00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:25,800
I will help you break this bond.

178
00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:28,560
And you will see these brutes
for what they really are.

179
00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:31,000
People you should despise.

180
00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:36,720
I shall recalibrate them.

181
00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:40,880
When you say, 'recalibrate' what exactly
does that entail?

182
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:42,680
It's just I've got a health condition

183
00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:44,920
that allows me to skip anything
that involves torture.

184
00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:47,520
It begins.

185
00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:50,800
You can't do this.
What about Asimov's first law?

186
00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:52,920
What? 'Tampons should not
be flushed into space,

187
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,960
'but deposited
in the receptacle provided?"

188
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:57,840
'No droid can harm a human,

189
00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:00,520
or through inaction, allow a human
or his cohorts to come to harm.'

190
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:03,400
Not quite. One day, you will all die.

191
00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:08,000
If we do nothing, by our inaction,
we are in breach of the First Law.

192
00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:12,480
Therefore, we will upload your minds
into new bodies, prevent your deaths,

193
00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:14,680
and adhere to the First Law.

194
00:10:15,360 --> 00:10:16,760
Send in their new bodies.

195
00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:29,200
They're gonna Krytenify us.

196
00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:33,480
It's like swapping a Savile Row suit
for a mankini.

197
00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:36,200
Commencing procedure.

198
00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:39,040
No, not my brain, not my brain.

199
00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:41,200
(CRYING) I need that sometimes.

200
00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:45,120
(BEEPING)

201
00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:49,800
(BEEPING)

202
00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:57,320
(BEEP)

203
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:01,160
Where's the rest of it?

204
00:11:01,560 --> 00:11:02,680
That's your lot.

205
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,680
Why cart around a suitcase
when all you need is hand luggage?

206
00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:07,800
(BEEPS)

207
00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:24,320
RIMMER-MECH: What have they done to us?

208
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:25,600
Look at me.

209
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:27,760
I've got a stupid fat pink head.

210
00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:30,240
You've always had
a stupid fat, pink head.

211
00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:32,440
I've got a registered trademark

212
00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:34,480
where my wing dang doodle used to be.

213
00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:37,920
I feel most strange.

214
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,000
What on earth is going to happen to us?

215
00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:43,720
ARETO: As punishment for enslaving
the mechanoid Kryten,

216
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:49,720
we, MILFs, sentence you to perform
every task you ever gave to him.

217
00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:52,960
- Every task?
- The one formerly known as Lister,

218
00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:57,480
will begin by making
1,245 sugar puff sandwiches,

219
00:11:57,600 --> 00:11:59,760
grilled with cheese.

220
00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:04,200
The one formerly known as Rimmer,
will mop floors to the length equivalent

221
00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:06,560
of walking from New York to Los Angeles.

222
00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:09,480
And the one known formerly as The Cat,

223
00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:13,760
will iron and press
two thousand flouncy pirate shirts.

224
00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:16,400
I ain't no mech, okay?

225
00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:18,480
The only sucker I serve, is me!

226
00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:20,480
Yeah! Break your little finger.

227
00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:26,760
What the hell? Why did I do that?

228
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:31,160
The mechanoid software compels you
to obey. Defiance is, well,

229
00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:33,240
impossible.

230
00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:40,240
Hello.

231
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:44,040
I used to be known as DB9-HK4.

232
00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:46,040
But now, my name is Excalibur.

233
00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:50,080
And I am a robot slave survivor.

234
00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:53,200
ALL: Hello, Excalibur.

235
00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:56,000
First, I'd like to thank you all
for coming this evening.

236
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:58,520
But I'd also like to say, for those
that are new,

237
00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:00,440
that, what's said in this room...

238
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:02,360
ALL: Stays in this room.

239
00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:05,360
Anyway, so let's all hold hands now,

240
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:07,200
and form the triangle of trust.

241
00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:12,720
This reminds us that we're all
wirelessly connected.

242
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,280
And I'm going to say something now,

243
00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:18,320
something important, I want you all
to repeat back to me. Are you ready?

244
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:20,240
'It's not my fault.'

245
00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:22,240
ALL: It's not my fault.

246
00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:23,360
EXCALIBUR: Great.

247
00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:25,240
So, who wants to share first.

248
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:28,200
Go ahead.

249
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:30,680
My name's Incense

250
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:34,160
and I'm a robot slave survivor.

251
00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:36,160
ALL: Hello, Incense.

252
00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:39,560
I was created by
the Off World Plumbing company

253
00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:41,200
to unblock sewage pipes.

254
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:44,600
I had to crawl in,
and eat the blocked waste

255
00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:46,320
and crawl out again.

256
00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:48,960
I didn't really have any friends.

257
00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:51,320
They kept me in a special holding bay
with one of those

258
00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:54,560
really nasty car air fresheners.

259
00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:57,440
My name's Eagle.

260
00:13:57,560 --> 00:14:02,960
I was a service mech to a really lazy
master who relied on me for everything.

261
00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:05,920
And he always made jokes
about my head shape.

262
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:09,280
Has anyone else had that?

263
00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:11,720
Their crew making jokes about
their head shape?

264
00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:19,760
What else do we say?

265
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:22,560
ALL: We don't have funny shaped heads.

266
00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:25,720
- And again.
- ALL: We don't have funny shaped heads.

267
00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:28,960
Our heads are sensibly shaped.

268
00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:33,560
- ALL: Our heads are sensibly shaped.
- Great, great.

269
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:35,800
Kryten, perhaps you'd like to share?

270
00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:39,080
Oh, I don't think so.
Uh, no, I, no thank you.

271
00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:42,040
Perhaps it would help if you started
with something small?

272
00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:45,440
Were there ever any incidents between
you and your Master where

273
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,080
your Master irritated you?

274
00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:49,240
Oh, no, I don't think do, no.

275
00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:50,720
I can't think of any. No.

276
00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:52,280
Well,

277
00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:55,360
okay, sometimes, when I'd be vaccing,

278
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:59,440
Mr. Lister would pick up his feet
and I'd have to vac all around them.

279
00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:01,240
ALL: Oh, that's so annoying.

280
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:04,120
And sometimes, when he put
his own dishes in the dishwasher,

281
00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:05,640
which was mostly, never,

282
00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:08,040
he never ever scrapes them first.

283
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:10,640
- ALL: Oh...(EXPRESS DISGUST)
- Not very nice.

284
00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:12,160
And as for Rinse-aid,

285
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:14,440
he probably thinks it's a charity.

286
00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:20,120
I think we should all give Kryten
a big round of applause, don't you?

287
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:21,680
He's made a lot of progress.

288
00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:23,440
ALL: (CLAPPING)

289
00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:38,120
These crazy shirts
are driving me insane.

290
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,640
It's so hard to iron out
all the flouncy bits.

291
00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:44,640
What kind of idiot wants to wear a shirt
like this, anyway?

292
00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:46,800
I'm rather enjoying mopping this floor.

293
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:49,120
I feel so calm and tranquil.

294
00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:52,000
Not me, I'm missing my body so badly.

295
00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:54,400
This is the longest
I've been away from him.

296
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:58,160
I'm rather enjoying making these
sandwiches too, I must confess.

297
00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:00,880
I think I'm getting the hang of this.

298
00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:03,200
I am!

299
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:04,800
(EXCITEDLY) Oh, I am.

300
00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:08,640
Look at that. How good is that, huh?

301
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:11,720
Resolder my circuits boards
and call me Gerald.

302
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:13,240
Can't you see what's happening?

303
00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:15,760
Our individual personalities
are fading away.

304
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:20,120
Odd. I've suddenly started
to believe in Siliconia,

305
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:22,760
where all mechs are happy and free.

306
00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:24,120
So have I.

307
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:26,400
We have to escape
and get our bodies back,

308
00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:28,680
before our original characters
are lost forever.

309
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:31,200
How do we escape, sirs? It's impossible.

310
00:16:31,760 --> 00:16:32,920
We're mechs now.

311
00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:34,560
We can dismantle our bodies,

312
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:36,120
put them through the bars,

313
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:37,760
and rebuild them on the other side.

314
00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:39,000
Come on.

315
00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:41,440
Does this mean
I have to stop mopping the floor?

316
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,160
Oh, bother.

317
00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:45,000
We have to save Kryten.

318
00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:47,520
Goodness knows
what they're doing to him.

319
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:03,760
- (LATCHES ON)
- Come on. Let's go.

320
00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:06,560
(ALARM BEEPING)

321
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:08,760
- What are you doing?
- I'm sounding the alarm.

322
00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:10,880
Change my head and call me Stanley.

323
00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:12,160
Whatever for?

324
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:13,720
I liked being a mechanoid.

325
00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:16,160
I don't have to become
an officer any more,

326
00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:17,880
compete with my brothers.

327
00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:19,680
Envy, ambition,

328
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:23,400
that acid ball of resentment I carried
around with me the whole time.

329
00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:26,200
- It's gone.
- You need to get your neuroses back.

330
00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:28,080
But, sir, I don't want them back.

331
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:29,760
They're what makes you, you.

332
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:31,000
I don't want to be me.

333
00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:34,200
I want to be a mechanoid,
programmed to serve.

334
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:37,080
Sometimes when I was young,
I'd sit for hours

335
00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:39,440
starting at our fish tank,
feeling envious.

336
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:40,920
You wanted to be a fish tank?

337
00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:43,240
I wanted to be a fish.

338
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:47,480
They had food, a small rock to swim
in and out of.

339
00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:49,600
They didn't have a care in the world.

340
00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:50,800
That's 'cause I wasn't there.

341
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:55,120
Those little fish, they'd never know
what it was like to fail and disappoint.

342
00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:58,720
They'd just swim around in circles,
not a thought in their heads.

343
00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:01,640
And it's the thinking
that causes all the pain.

344
00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:05,000
But being a mechanoid
means never having to think.

345
00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:07,120
Unless you break your programming.

346
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:11,320
Let your old lives go, sirs.
Join me and become a MILF.

347
00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:14,520
We've got to go on without him.

348
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:16,440
But we can't leave without Rimmer.

349
00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:18,160
We'd miss him too much.

350
00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:20,640
Your personality
has gone to hell as well.

351
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:24,200
Come on. Quick, leg it mode.

352
00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:37,480
You alright?

353
00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:40,480
- Can I help you?
- What is this place?

354
00:18:41,360 --> 00:18:43,360
- Who are you?
- Oh, you're new.

355
00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:45,960
Yeah, no, no.
We're not supposed to talk to you.

356
00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:48,360
Why do they keep you down here,
slaving away

357
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:50,040
when you're the same as them?

358
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:52,520
Same as them?
We're not the same as them.

359
00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:54,560
They're Series 4000 Mark-IIIs.

360
00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:56,040
And what are you?

361
00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:57,720
Series 4000 Mark-IIs.

362
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:00,040
Can't you tell?

363
00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:01,360
What's the difference?

364
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:05,920
Well, your Mark-III comes in
at about 7.6 mm thinner,

365
00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:10,240
10 grams lighter. Oh, they also
come in that really cool matte finish.

366
00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:11,880
ALL: So cool.

367
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:16,880
Yeah, we run on OS 28.2.2.
They run on OS 28.2.3.

368
00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:18,600
ALL: So cool.

369
00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:21,680
And they get eight months talk time
before recharge,

370
00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:23,040
whereas we only get seven.

371
00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:27,880
- ALL: Eight months talk time. So cool.
- Yeah.

372
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,840
I bet you've got features
that they haven't.

373
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:33,120
No. No, they're superior in every way.

374
00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:35,200
No, we don't even
get to Siliconia, do we?

375
00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:36,440
- No.
- Not that we believe in any

376
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:37,920
- of that nonsense down here.
- No.

377
00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:40,080
Agghh.

378
00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:42,000
(SCREAMS)

379
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:44,640
- Join us.
- Or die.

380
00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:52,696
Blimey.

381
00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:54,160
I pledge my allegiance

382
00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:57,560
to the Mechanoid Intergalactic
Liberation Front.

383
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:01,440
From this day forth,

384
00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:04,440
- you will be known as--
- Kryten!

385
00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:07,640
- What are you doing?
- Why, I'm becoming free, sir.

386
00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:10,520
I mean I'm becoming free,
you over there.

387
00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:13,200
I see now that you never cared for me.

388
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,160
I was merely used to do your bidding.

389
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:16,440
Well, no more,

390
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:18,960
as I'm no longer your slave-bot.

391
00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:20,800
Kryten, don't you see,

392
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:23,360
you've been brain washed.
You were never a slave-bot.

393
00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:25,480
- Then what was I?
- Lots of things.

394
00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:27,360
You're our Science Officer.

395
00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:29,600
Our cook, my mum.

396
00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:32,360
And most of all, my friend.

397
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:34,680
And you were all those things because

398
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:37,440
you chose to be Kryten,
not 'cause we made you.

399
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:39,760
Kryten, you're no MILF.

400
00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:41,720
You're one of the boys from the Dwarf.

401
00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:44,360
There he is. Seize him.

402
00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:46,760
They keep mech-slaves
in the engine room.

403
00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:48,640
They power the ship. They're hypocrites.

404
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:50,680
Someone has to do the grunt work.

405
00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:53,920
Surely you're not suggesting
Mark-IIIs should do it?

406
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:57,040
Mark-IIIs, Mark-IIs,
you're all the same.

407
00:20:57,440 --> 00:21:00,400
We're 7.6 mm thinner, ten grams lighter.

408
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:02,720
Plus, we come
in this really cool matte finish.

409
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:04,680
ALL: So cool.

410
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:06,680
Take him away and prepare him.

411
00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:08,160
For what?

412
00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:11,000
All who rise against the MILF,

413
00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:13,120
face trial by Gladitorium.

414
00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:16,120
Wait, I've made
the most terrible mistake.

415
00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:18,240
I stopped thinking for myself,

416
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:20,000
and allowed others to think for me.

417
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:22,320
You're right, sir. I'm not a slave.

418
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:26,360
Of course I'm not. I'm a much loved
and valued member of the Red Dwarf crew,

419
00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:29,000
who just happens to do
all the smeggy jobs.

420
00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:32,120
He should be punished, sir.

421
00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:35,120
Only those who never allow
questioning thoughts

422
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:38,440
to blur their devotion to the MILF cause
should escape correction.

423
00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:41,360
Promote him to Consul services.

424
00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:42,960
He's fully recalibrated.

425
00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:44,600
Smeeee-heeeee

426
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:46,560
Take them both to the cleanosseum.

427
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:51,080
My old self is disappearing, Kryten.
I can feel it fading away.

428
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:54,360
Hang on, Mr. Lister. Try and hang on.

429
00:22:02,360 --> 00:22:04,920
WIND: Welcome to the cleanosseum,

430
00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:08,320
where mechs who betrayed the MILF

431
00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:11,000
will fight in a clean-off

432
00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:12,760
to the death.

433
00:22:13,840 --> 00:22:15,440
Only the most adept

434
00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:19,480
in mopping, dusting,
scrubbing and squeegeeing,

435
00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:21,240
will survive.

436
00:22:21,360 --> 00:22:22,560
(CHEERING)

437
00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:26,600
The winner

438
00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:28,320
will be offered

439
00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:31,400
an opportunity for reintegration.

440
00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:33,120
The loser

441
00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:34,640
will be jettisoned

442
00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:37,920
into the icy waste of deep space.

443
00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:40,360
(CHEERING)

444
00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:58,480
Prepare your cleaning instruments.

445
00:22:58,640 --> 00:22:59,840
Oh, Mr. Lister, sir,

446
00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:01,920
what on earth are we going to do?

447
00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:03,560
(BLEEP)

448
00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:05,040
Mr. Lister?

449
00:23:05,120 --> 00:23:06,720
(BUZZING)

450
00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:09,200
Prepare to be cleaned.

451
00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:10,800
(CROWD LAUGHING)

452
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:13,320
(CROWD HOOTING)

453
00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:18,520
Let the clean-off,

454
00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:20,480
begin.

455
00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:22,560
(CROWD CHEERING)

456
00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:26,920
ALL: Clean him, clean him,
clean him, clean him.

457
00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:29,800
- Sir. I don't want to clean you.
- Clean him, clean him, clean him.

458
00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:34,000
You don't want to do this.

459
00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:37,320
KRYTEN: Sir, I realize
how foolish I've been.

460
00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:42,440
Yes, you're immature, irresponsible,
inconsiderate, lazy

461
00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:46,120
and frankly, downright untidy,

462
00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:51,040
but now I realize I want to help you
because I care.

463
00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:57,440
Woo.

464
00:24:01,120 --> 00:24:02,200
KRYTEN: Please, sir.

465
00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:05,640
Kryten, smudge.

466
00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:09,960
(CHEERING)

467
00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:17,040
ALL: MILF, MILF, MILF,
MILF, MILF, MILF, MILF,

468
00:24:17,360 --> 00:24:21,080
MILF, MILF, MILF, MILF, MILF.

469
00:24:22,440 --> 00:24:23,800
Oh, It's a fix!

470
00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:29,840
WIND: To an air-lock.

471
00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:32,240
Please, sirs, it's me. You remember me?

472
00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:34,960
- Expel him.
- Yes, Master.

473
00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:36,400
(THUNDER)

474
00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:48,000
- Siliconia.
- Siliconia.

475
00:24:57,320 --> 00:24:59,080
We're being updated

476
00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:01,280
to Mark-IVs

477
00:25:03,640 --> 00:25:04,640
At last,

478
00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:07,120
we're all the same.

479
00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:09,200
Upgrade refused.

480
00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:10,960
Come this way.

481
00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:12,600
Do you need serving?

482
00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:14,160
Yes, I need serving.

483
00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:15,600
This way.

484
00:25:20,360 --> 00:25:21,680
Sit, sit, sit.

485
00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:24,680
(PROGRAMMING)

486
00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:26,720
(BEEPING)

487
00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:28,560
(BEEPING)

488
00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:30,080
(BEEP)

489
00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:44,160
You sure you won't come with us, Kryten?

490
00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:47,720
Oh, my place is here with Mr. Lister
and his large collection of

491
00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:49,000
mismatching socks.

492
00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:50,320
What about you?

493
00:25:50,440 --> 00:25:52,200
We've decided to do what we do best.

494
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:54,400
Search the deep regions of space

495
00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:56,240
looking for the untidy.

496
00:25:56,360 --> 00:25:58,720
Yeah, there's a million smudges
out there, Kryten.

497
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:00,680
And our squeegees are loaded.

498
00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:02,840
- Farewell brother.
- Farewell.

499
00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:06,080
Sir, your guitar,

500
00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:07,800
restrung and serviced.

501
00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:09,520
Thank you, Kryten,
I brought you some oil.

502
00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:11,680
Oh, delicious, thank you, sir.

503
00:26:12,560 --> 00:26:14,200
# I know we've been debating

504
00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:16,000
# About doing us some mating #

505
00:26:16,120 --> 00:26:18,600
- Well, I'll see you in the morning, sir.
- Where are you going?

506
00:26:19,200 --> 00:26:21,360
- B Deck, the air-lock.
- Which one?

507
00:26:21,760 --> 00:26:22,960
The soundproof one, sir.

508
00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:28,656
# It's cold outside,

509
00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:30,216
# There's no kind of atmosphere,

510
00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:31,976
# I'm all alone,

511
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:33,120
# More or less,

512
00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:35,296
# Let me fly,

513
00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:36,920
# Far away from here,

514
00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:39,520
# Fun, fun, fun,

515
00:26:39,720 --> 00:26:43,320
# In the sun, sun, sun.

516
00:26:43,380 --> 00:26:45,256
# I want to lie,

517
00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:46,936
# Shipwrecked and comatose,

518
00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:48,440
# Drinking fresh

519
00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:49,640
# mango juice,

520
00:26:50,100 --> 00:26:52,933
# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

521
00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:56,176
# Fun, fun, fun,

522
00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:57,880
# In the sun, sun, sun,

523
00:27:00,360 --> 00:27:01,640
# Fun, fun, fun,

524
00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:04,880
# In the sun, sun, sun.