1
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(WHOOSHING)

2
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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

3
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(THAT ONE HOWARD GOODALL CUE THEY KEEP USING)

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RIMMER: As we stand here this morning

5
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in an unknown galaxy
on the outer reaches of the solar system

6
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and I claim this planetoid,
rich in Helium-7,

7
00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:52,240
on behalf of
the Jupiter Mining Corporation,

8
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it is only fitting we remember
the generations that came before us.

9
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It is to their memory, their greatness,
their infinite glorious accomplishments,

10
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that I humbly name this moon "Rimmer".

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In the same spirit of benevolence,

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I've also graciously agreed to lend
my name to the star this moon orbits,

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which from this moment on,
will be known as "Sunny Rim".

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Gentlemen, to Rimmer,

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a moon rich in Helium-7,
the most valuable gas in the universe.

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LISTER: To Rimmer... so full of gas.

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KRYTEN: Sirs, there appears to be

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some kind of solar storm
coming in from the west?

19
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You should engage skedaddle mode.

20
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But the Helium-7. We need to mine it.

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- (RADIO CRACKLES)
- KRYTEN: There's no time, sir.

22
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But Helium-7's incredibly scarce.

23
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It's rarer than an ungroped bottom
at the BBC in the 1970s.

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It's worth a fortune.

25
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If we ever get back to Earth
in the 23rd century,

26
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I'll get a finder's fee.

27
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One hour, that's all I'm asking.

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Bud, can't you see,

29
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if you're hanging around here
when that storm's brewing

30
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you're gonna get wiped.

31
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I'm begging you, stay!

32
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I'll still be rich
beyond my wildest dreams just with this.

33
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Don't worry, I won't change.

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LISTER: And that's the tragedy of it.

35
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Check this. That's no solar storm.
What the hell is it?

36
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It looks like a big,
wibbly-wobbly tidal wave thing

37
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and it's heading straight for us.

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I want a full Space Corp
verified diagnostic on that thing.

39
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- Already printing, sir.
- Well? What is it?

40
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It says, "It's a big,
wibbly-wobbly tidal wave thing

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"and it's heading straight for us."

42
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Here it comes!

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(CRACKLING)

44
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What the hell just happened?

45
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People have had acid trips
that have made more sense than that.

46
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I've had directions
from drunken Scots men

47
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that have made more sense than that.

48
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Any theories?

49
00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:06,680
I believe the ship may have been hit

50
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by a temporal wash
from a time wave, sir.

51
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It's been what by a what from a what?

52
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Much as a tsunami is caused by a large
displacement of water in the sea bed,

53
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a time wave is created
by an imploding black hole,

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causing space
time to contort into a series of waves.

55
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Much as a what causes a what
into a series of what's?

56
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Now, when the wave moves forward,

57
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artefacts from the past
can be washed up into the present

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and when the wave withdraws,

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artefacts from the present
can be swept back into the past.

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That sounds like a free ride
out of here. Show me where to stand.

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Sir, whoever is hit

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is likely to be swept in
to an uninhabitable part of deep space.

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Quick! Show him where to stand.

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We've got to avoid
this wave at all costs.

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- How long before the next one?
- Impossible to predict.

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- So what do we do if this wave shows up?
- We'll have to outrun it.

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Maybe if we lost some weight.
Jettisoned some unnecessary cargo.

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Go stand in the airlock
and leave the rest to me.

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Wait, check this in vector four.

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There's a ship
just shown up on the scans.

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The SS Enconium.
They're from 24th century Earth

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and their ship possesses
a faster than light drive.

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Something's wrong.

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They're locked on to a crash course

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straight into the heart
of Planet Rimmer.

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Are you serious? That's terrible.
Is Planet Rimmer going to be okay?

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The impact is likely
to cause an explosion

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which could well ignite the Helium-7.

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And kill Planet Rimmer?

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- And kill everything in this vicinity,
- Including Planet Rimmer?

81
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Including everything!

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We need to board that ship
and stop it crashing.

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And save Planet Rimmer.

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- And save the crew.
- And Planet Rimmer.

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(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

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This mechanoid is reversing.

87
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(BEEPING)

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This mechanoid is reversing.

89
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(BEEPING)

90
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How long before we dock, Kryts?

91
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Just thirty minutes, sir.

92
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So I thought now might be a good time

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to share the intel
I've uncovered on the Enconium.

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It appears they have
some rather strange laws.

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Strange how?

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On their ship, criticism is illegal.

97
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A ship free of criticism,
what a place that must be.

98
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A world where
no one is blamed or rebuked

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and no one gets mocked or ridiculed.

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That's what they say, but they'll never
hold out after they meet you.

101
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You screw up and no one tells you.
What's the good in that?

102
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That's easy for you to say, Lister,

103
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but how would you feel
if you were ridiculed every day,

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wedgied every night,

105
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and sometimes even have your head
shoved down the toilet

106
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and the chain pulled?

107
00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:49,720
But we've stopped doing that now.

108
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Six years old, my parents had to
send me to a different prep school

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so I could get my confidence back.

110
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Games weren't competitive
at St. Trembles.

111
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So what did you do on Sport's Day?

112
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Sports Day, 100 metres, you could run
in any direction you wanted.

113
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Or paint a picture
or stay at home and watch TV.

114
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And everyone got
a "You're Really Special" trophy

115
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and a party bag.

116
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Rimmer, you've got to roll with it.

117
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You get knocked down,
you get back up again. You slug it out.

118
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If I'd have got upset
with every bit of criticism I ever got,

119
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where do you think I'd be now?

120
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Not single, not podgy,

121
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and probably not doomed to roam
deep space with a terrible haircut.

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Sirs, please.

123
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When we board the Enconium,

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we must remember to respect their laws
and not criticise each other.

125
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How long we gotta hold out?

126
00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:37,160
- Just an hour, sir.
- A whole hour?

127
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In that case you'd better pack earplugs
and six rolls of duct tape.

128
00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:43,960
I wonder why the Enconium
made criticism illegal?

129
00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:46,320
Well, according to their data banks,

130
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they believe when people criticise,
they feel esteem-inflating superiority

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which causes the pleasure chemical,
dopamine, to be released in the brain.

132
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And dopamine's bad?

133
00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:58,480
Too much dopamine
is like taking cocaine, sir.

134
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It overexcites the receptors
between brain cells,

135
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causing hyperactivity
and engorged self-worth.

136
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So people who criticise
get high on criticism?

137
00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:09,840
It seems they become addicted,

138
00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:13,680
needing to criticise more and more
to produce the same original high.

139
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This explains so much.

140
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Junkie.

141
00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:20,600
But criticism can be good, can't it?

142
00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:23,280
I mean, it forces people
to become better.

143
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,680
Oh, not always, sir. Take you.

144
00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:29,160
What about me?

145
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:33,600
Well, as a guitarist you've been
criticised, belittled, decried,

146
00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:36,240
vilified, panned and slammed
your whole life.

147
00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:40,280
- And your point is?
- You still utterly suck, sir.

148
00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:43,960
No, I don't!

149
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I mean, okay, fair play. Back in the day
I was a bit of a tone-deaf plucker,

150
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but I took that criticism on board,

151
00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:52,480
I dedicated myself to getting better,

152
00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:56,840
and now, so long, Plucker,
hello, Davy "Three Chords."

153
00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:05,360
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

154
00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:22,320
"Joureny to the Stars"

155
00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:25,800
Aw, look at that one.

156
00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:28,480
Have they got little kids
on-board as well?

157
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By First Lieutenant Edward Moore,
aged 34 and a half.

158
00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:37,640
So everything these guys do,
no matter how garbage,

159
00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:38,720
gets to go on the wall?

160
00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:40,360
Just like at St. Trembles.

161
00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:42,040
And the Tate Modern.

162
00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:47,240
The frames aren't even straight.
I hate that.

163
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:48,840
Hey guys, check this.

164
00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:54,600
...power of the moon you will learn
that we are all part of the tree of life

165
00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:58,720
and on the tree you are a fruit.

166
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:03,240
# I am a fruit, a lovely fruit
Let me play the flute #

167
00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:05,560
(PLAYING FLUTE)

168
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:10,640
Let me remind you, gentlemen,

169
00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:13,280
what we're all thinking
right now is illegal here.

170
00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:16,080
My friends.

171
00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:19,440
A duct tape on stand by, sirs.

172
00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:21,560
Welcome to our ship.

173
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:24,400
Now, my name is Ziggy Briceman.

174
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:27,280
Apologies for not returning
your handshake,

175
00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:29,960
but our communication system
is being repaired

176
00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:32,080
and the hairdressers
who are carrying out the work

177
00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:34,440
haven't quite determined
what's wrong yet.

178
00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:38,400
Oh, also, our lifts are being serviced
by the catering department,

179
00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:40,880
so therefore to the stairs.

180
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:44,720
Wouldn't it be better if your lifts were
serviced by the lift service people?

181
00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:48,040
Oh, unfortunately, they're all too busy
working in the hospital,

182
00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:50,600
trying to figure out
why no one's getting better.

183
00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:53,720
This way, my friends.

184
00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:55,600
I don't know if you're aware,

185
00:09:55,680 --> 00:09:58,360
but you've been washed up
three million years into deep space

186
00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:01,640
and you're on a crash course
straight into a Helium-7 moon.

187
00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:05,080
I love your accent.

188
00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:09,360
It is cuter than a kitten
with a toilet roll.

189
00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:13,400
Now, let me take you along to our diner

190
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:16,360
and then I'm gonna
hunt down our Captain. Okay?

191
00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:17,640
This way.

192
00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:21,440
What the hell's he doing?

193
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:26,160
Best guess, the Enconium crew
are encouraged to express themselves

194
00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:28,440
without fear of scorn or ridicule.

195
00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:31,080
Bring back scorn and ridicule,
that's what I say.

196
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:32,280
Sir, please.

197
00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:35,240
Didn't we talk about
respecting other cultures?

198
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:37,240
When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

199
00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:51,280
(BAND PLAYING OFF-KEY)

200
00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:57,680
Hey, bud, you should stick around.

201
00:10:58,040 --> 00:10:59,840
The Om song could go platinum here.

202
00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:05,480
I love the atmosphere. It's so relaxing.

203
00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:08,160
No one cares if you're right or wrong,
good or bad.

204
00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:09,440
Maybe they're on to something.

205
00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:10,920
I mean, take me, back in the day,

206
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:14,080
I misrepaired a drive plate
and killed over a thousand people.

207
00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:17,560
Now, in our culture that sort of thing
is really frowned upon.

208
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:20,600
But here, you just move on.

209
00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:24,880
Here's your coffee, sir.
Be careful it's very, very hot.

210
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:26,360
Argh!

211
00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:28,000
Whoops-a-daisy.

212
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:31,840
She's just broiled my love spuds
and she doesn't even say sorry.

213
00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:33,360
She's moved on.

214
00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:35,680
Look at the state of me.

215
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:37,640
Okay, here we are.

216
00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:41,760
I have one processed sausage
with sprouts in a radish jus,

217
00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:44,360
and one warm goat salad.

218
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,280
We didn't order any food.

219
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:48,240
And we haven't ordered any drinks.

220
00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:51,000
Though I wouldn't mind
ordering a fresh pair of testicles

221
00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:52,440
'cause these two are ruined.

222
00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:55,640
Are you criticising me?

223
00:11:56,280 --> 00:12:00,320
No, no, he's not criticising you, I am.
This food looks gross.

224
00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:02,680
Critics! Help!

225
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:04,120
Let's get out of here.

226
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:06,760
Easter Island head's right.
Let's scoot while we still can.

227
00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:08,680
Yeah, come on. Back to Starbug.

228
00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:10,600
Nothing works here.
Especially the people.

229
00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:15,600
(TANTRIC MUSIC PLAYING)

230
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:30,200
- Good evening, sir.
- Evening, Officer.

231
00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:32,560
Do you know
why I've pulled you over, sir?

232
00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:34,440
No, I haven't got a clue. No.

233
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:37,600
Been doing any criticising
this evening, sir?

234
00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:40,320
Criticising? No, not at all. No.

235
00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:43,440
It's just we've had a report
of some illegal castigation

236
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:45,360
in the diner this evening, sir.

237
00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:47,040
What about you lads?

238
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:49,480
Been doing any criticising this evening?

239
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:50,560
(TOGETHER) No.

240
00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:54,720
- Little bit of chiding perhaps?
- Chiding? No.

241
00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:56,520
- How about blaming, sir?
- No.

242
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:57,600
Harping?

243
00:12:57,680 --> 00:12:59,360
- Little bit of panning?
- No.

244
00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:01,120
- Not even scoffing?
- Nothing.

245
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:04,160
You won't mind blowing into this
criticiser for me then, will you, sir?

246
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:06,200
You what?

247
00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:08,480
Go on. Blow as hard as you can.

248
00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:11,440
(BEEPING)

249
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:16,360
You've got a reading of 95, sir.

250
00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:18,360
Is that good? Bad? What does that mean?

251
00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:21,520
It means that your friend is
way over the criticism limit, sir.

252
00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:23,560
I may have to take him down
to the station.

253
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:25,480
Now wait a minute.

254
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:27,320
- Are you telling me to wait, sir?
- Well, yes.

255
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:30,280
Implying I'm going too fast,
and therefore criticising me?

256
00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:32,520
- Look...
- Are you telling me to look?

257
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:37,120
Insinuating that my attention
isn't focused in the correct direction,

258
00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:41,240
- therefore implying that my focus...
- I'm not criticising you, okay?

259
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,480
Look, we're here to warn you that
you're ship is on a collision course

260
00:13:44,560 --> 00:13:46,920
with a very important moon
called Planet Rimmer.

261
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:50,400
I'm going to let you off with a caution.

262
00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:53,400
Caution? How dumb is this guy?

263
00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:05,040
Hey, Lieutenant Asshole,

264
00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:10,480
if you don't move
your dumb ass spaceship,

265
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:13,480
we're gonna we're gonna be flatter
than your wife's droopy ass titties.

266
00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:14,560
Capisce??

267
00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:19,720
- (FIRES)
- (GROANS)

268
00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:23,440
(THUD)

269
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:03,800
Wait a minute. Why have you
taken his straitjacket off?

270
00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:06,440
While he's in here,
he's not a danger to anyone, is he?

271
00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:07,880
Well, he is to us.

272
00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:09,640
No one cares about you.

273
00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:12,240
Don't talk to him.
Don't make eye contact.

274
00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:13,320
Pretend he's not here.

275
00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:15,600
All right, mate, how you doing?

276
00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:18,440
I been better. I'll tell you that.

277
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,680
- How long you in for?
- Life.

278
00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:27,240
- What for?
- Tutting.

279
00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:30,800
Tutting?

280
00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:33,080
They drove me to it.

281
00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:38,640
I'm in the queue,
in the canteen, queueing.

282
00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:43,240
Finally, I get to the front,
my turn to get served

283
00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:47,680
and they say,
"Sorry, love, we've just closed."

284
00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:49,440
So I go...

285
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:52,000
(TUTS)

286
00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:54,440
You just went... (TUTS)

287
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:55,640
...and you got life?

288
00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:58,840
I just called that cop Lieutenant
Asshole, so what am I gonna get?

289
00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:03,040
It don't bear thinking about.
They'll probably drain you.

290
00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:04,120
What's that?

291
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:06,320
I'm not implying
there's anything wrong with draining,

292
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:07,520
it's probably really lovely.

293
00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:09,680
What the hell are we going to do?

294
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:11,320
We've got to get out of here.

295
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:14,880
Get to the engine room
and get this ship off the crash course.

296
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:17,360
- And save Planet Rimmer.
- And save us.

297
00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:20,320
Uh, sir, may I borrow one of your boots?

298
00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:23,280
Kryten, my boots can't cause
diversions like they used to.

299
00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:25,040
He wears Odor-Eaters now.

300
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:28,640
I'm looking for a soil sample, sir.
From that moon this morning.

301
00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:29,960
The Helium-7?

302
00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:32,680
Which I can then fuse with the deuterium

303
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:35,760
I have in
my isotope sample store in my arm

304
00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:38,400
and create a small contained explosion.

305
00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:42,480
Why do you collect isotope samples
and keep them in your arm?

306
00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:46,560
Why do you collect miniature Napoleonic
soldiers and keep them in your locker?

307
00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:50,520
- You're weird.
- I'm weird?

308
00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:53,960
At least my isotope collection
could come in useful.

309
00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:55,440
Next time we're in a jam

310
00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:58,400
and one of
your 6th regiment trumpeters saves us,

311
00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:00,320
I'll eat my crevice brush.

312
00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:02,600
There.

313
00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:04,320
Excellent.

314
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:11,280
- (BEEPS)
- (EXPLOSION)

315
00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:18,240
Here, boys, take me with you.

316
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:20,840
I promise I'm no danger
to the outside world any more.

317
00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:22,160
I'll never tut again

318
00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:25,240
(TUTS)

319
00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:31,960
Where are you taking us?

320
00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:34,800
I'm taking you to where
all the worst criticizers go.

321
00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:38,000
The back seat drivers?
They're all there.

322
00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:42,240
Surely you can see,
a society without criticism is utterly...

323
00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:43,920
You don't know what it was like before.

324
00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:47,120
The ship was a shambles,
everyone arguing,

325
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:49,040
constantly choosing new captains.

326
00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:52,720
So they brought in the anti-criticism
law to make people more tolerant.

327
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:57,520
But any smegger can see that
society can't function like that.

328
00:17:57,600 --> 00:17:59,480
Yeah, but once
they'd outlawed criticism,

329
00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:03,480
nobody could criticise the criticism
law because it was illegal to criticise.

330
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:04,920
Idiots!

331
00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:09,560
(MOANS IN PLEASURE)

332
00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:14,000
I've just criticised something,
didn't I?

333
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:18,760
Oh, God, I've not done that for ages.
That felt good.

334
00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:26,880
Criticising's great, isn't it?
Gives you a real lift.

335
00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:30,240
Don't like your shoes by the way.

336
00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:31,640
(MOANS)

337
00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:34,240
What's the story with his head?

338
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:38,600
Looks like something from that TV show,
"When Circumcisions Go Wrong".

339
00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:43,040
Look, you gotta help us.

340
00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:46,720
If we don't get your ship
off this crash course, we're all dead.

341
00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:49,320
The bridge is that way.
I'll pretend you escaped.

342
00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:50,760
Won't you get in trouble?

343
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:53,800
How? Nobody can criticise you here.

344
00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:55,840
Now get going before somebody comes.

345
00:18:56,520 --> 00:18:59,320
Oh, and by the way, you are way too old
to be wearing leather pants.

346
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:02,240
Nobody move, please.

347
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:05,640
Did you help them,
did you betray us, did you?

348
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:07,920
Yeah, I did, Ziggy.

349
00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:12,360
I betrayed this badge
and made this uniform, quite frankly,

350
00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:14,840
an object of ridicule.

351
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:23,840
Well, there is no shame
in making mistakes, Officer. You may go.

352
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:29,640
To our visitors, we need to drain them.

353
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:41,280
Now, we are going to drain you
of all your critical faculties

354
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:42,760
by removing your inner critic.

355
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:46,720
That little voice in your head that
stops you achieving your full potential.

356
00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:49,520
Now you will no longer
turn down opportunities

357
00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:51,640
for fear of failure or humiliation.

358
00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:54,280
You will only feel love for all things.

359
00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:56,160
They're going to turn us into hippies.

360
00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:59,640
We're going to wind up
like that crazy guy on the flute.

361
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:03,720
Oh, that was Derek.
He used to be a theatre critic.

362
00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:06,120
Oh, he's come so far.

363
00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:10,440
Look. That's his inner critic.

364
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:14,000
Oh, my God,
what's he talking to without me?

365
00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:19,080
Whatever it is, he's useless.
He'll fail. He's talentless.

366
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,000
Leave this to me.

367
00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:24,760
As standing acting
Senior Commanding Officer

368
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:27,320
of the JMC mining ship Red Dwarf,

369
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:32,600
and protected as I am
under Space Corps Directive 381286...

370
00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:33,840
Kryten, shut up.

371
00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:40,520
I demand that you
release us all immediately.

372
00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:42,960
Or at least one of us
as a gesture of goodwill,

373
00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:44,360
for which I'd like to volunteer.

374
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:47,800
My friend, you have nothing to fear.

375
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:50,440
Happiness awaits
and you shall be the first.

376
00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:52,440
Let's bottle your inner critic.

377
00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:59,760
Now, let your critical observations
flow forth.

378
00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:03,000
You mean, I could end up loving
my parents and admiring my brothers?

379
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:05,040
You'll have nothing to remain dead for.

380
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:06,520
Resist, sir, resist.

381
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:09,520
If they remove your inner critic,
you'll be changed forever.

382
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:12,320
Changed forever? Listen to him!

383
00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:17,240
My parents were lovely, wise,
thoughtful and supportive.

384
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:19,240
Argh!

385
00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:24,600
I achieved all my dreams
and I'm admired and respected.

386
00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:28,000
Don't fight it. Think of your childhood.
Were you happy?

387
00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:30,040
I was so happy.

388
00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:33,360
I can't hold out much longer.

389
00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:35,760
- (ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
- Argh!

390
00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:39,280
My brother, Howard,
what an utter bastard.

391
00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:43,440
As for my parents,
the schools they sent me to,

392
00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:46,400
the exams I failed
and the support I never got.

393
00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:50,120
And why Yvonne McGruder never wanted
to go on a second date with me.

394
00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:53,040
And my sex life was an absolute shambles

395
00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:56,920
ever since that day at school
my brother gave me sex advice.

396
00:21:57,440 --> 00:21:59,800
He said the most important thing
was the clitoris,

397
00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:02,400
and I thought what he said
was the most important thing

398
00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:03,760
was to spit on her wrist.

399
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:08,800
Oh, the looks I used to get.

400
00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:09,880
Wait, slow down.

401
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:12,840
You're criticising faster
than the extractor can cope.

402
00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:14,240
I've hardly started!

403
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:19,440
Your inner critic's too powerful.
The extractor can't process it.

404
00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:21,200
Well, why can't it process it?

405
00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:24,800
Cheap, damn Minervan, negative energy,
inner critic bottling machines.

406
00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:26,640
Will you stop criticising?

407
00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:28,040
(EXPLOSIONS)

408
00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:33,840
What the hell's that?

409
00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:39,080
I'm Rimmer's inner critic.

410
00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:40,920
I'm the voice inside his head

411
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:44,680
that reminds him he's an idle,
good-for-nothing, underachieving idiot

412
00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:48,040
who surrounds himself with cretins
to mask his own inadequacies.

413
00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:50,680
He hangs out with other guys besides us?

414
00:22:51,760 --> 00:22:54,080
Tell it to go away.
Tell it to leave me alone.

415
00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:57,560
You need me. I protect you.

416
00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:00,760
Remember the school talent contest?

417
00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:02,680
Twelve years old,

418
00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:05,640
and you wanted to Morris dance
in front of the entire school.

419
00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:08,400
And you made me chicken out.

420
00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:10,440
We'd have been humiliated.

421
00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:13,320
Same with all those women
I wanted to ask out on dates

422
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:15,080
you claimed were out of my league.

423
00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:16,520
Of course I did.

424
00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:21,480
Anne Marie was a solid four out of ten.
We're lucky to get threes.

425
00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:24,840
I hate you.
You'd never let me take any risks ever.

426
00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:27,200
I stop you
from making a fool of yourself.

427
00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:29,080
But he's always
making a fool of himself.

428
00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:31,880
Yeah, he is always
making a fool of himself.

429
00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:34,480
So hang on. You're not doing
a very good job, are you?

430
00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:38,840
You can't criticise me.
I'm his inner critic.

431
00:23:38,920 --> 00:23:40,160
Where were you when Rimmer was

432
00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:42,680
fixing that drive plate
and wiped out the crew?

433
00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:44,200
No one criticises me.

434
00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:46,040
Why didn't you tell him
he wasn't up to it?

435
00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:47,880
I mean, aren't you
supposed to protect him?

436
00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:49,720
Well, yes, I suppose I...

437
00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:51,320
So you failed.

438
00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:55,120
Well, that's not fair.

439
00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:58,720
I possibly didn't achieve
all the goals I set out to.

440
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:01,280
You're right, it failed.

441
00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:04,520
That's a bit strong.
I didn't fully succeed.

442
00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:06,280
- It failed.
- Failed?

443
00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:09,400
- I can't believe you just said that.
- It failed.

444
00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:11,680
- That's really horrible.
- RIMMER: It failed.

445
00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:16,920
- Is it dead?
- Just wounded.

446
00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:18,840
It'll be back one day. Trust me.

447
00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:26,560
You achieved a positive end
by using criticism to vanquish a foe.

448
00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:30,120
Because you can't tar all criticism
with one brush.

449
00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:33,840
Yes, I see that now.
Perhaps our philosophy is flawed.

450
00:24:34,280 --> 00:24:36,200
Are you criticising your own philosophy?

451
00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:38,200
I suppose I am.

452
00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:39,920
Wait.

453
00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:44,000
Call together all the members
of the High Chamber

454
00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:48,360
and warn them that
I've repealed the law against criticism.

455
00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:54,320
From this moment on, everybody can
criticise without fear of penalty.

456
00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:55,880
Release them.

457
00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:01,080
What about Planet Rimmer?

458
00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:03,080
The ship is on a crash descent course

459
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:05,960
and your engineering department
don't know what the hell they're doing.

460
00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:07,680
RIMMER: We need to
get to the engine room.

461
00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:10,920
No need, I'll request our engineers
simply return to their jobs

462
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:14,800
and then we'll be out of here
in a brief contraction of forward space.

463
00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:25,040
I've been racking my brains

464
00:25:25,120 --> 00:25:28,040
as to how I could thank you
for showing me a new way to live.

465
00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:31,280
Now, my first thought
was we could upgrade your mech,

466
00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:34,520
then I thought,
"No, it's not special enough."

467
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:39,560
Then I thought we could upgrade
Red Dwarf's engine, make it FTL,

468
00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:43,280
but again, I thought,
"No, it's not special enough."

469
00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:45,600
I wanted to give you
something that would

470
00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:48,680
truly show you
the depth of my gratitude.

471
00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:52,840
For you. It's my finest work.

472
00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:01,680
Don't take this the wrong way, but, um,
it's not that good to be honest.

473
00:26:02,360 --> 00:26:03,640
I repeal the law.

474
00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:05,520
Critics! I need help here.

475
00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:08,400
Drain them! Drain them all!

476
00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:11,720
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

477
00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:15,880
# It's cold outside
There's no kind of atmosphere

478
00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:19,280
# I'm all alone, more or less

479
00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:22,640
# Let me fly far away from here

480
00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:25,440
# Fun, fun, fun

481
00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:29,120
# In the sun, sun, sun

482
00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:32,640
# I want to lie shipwrecked
and comatose

483
00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:35,880
# Drinking fresh mango juice

484
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:39,280
# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

485
00:26:39,360 --> 00:26:42,080
# Fun, fun, fun

486
00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:45,600
# In the sun, sun, sun

487
00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:48,600
# Fun, fun, fun

488
00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:52,800
# In the sun, sun, sun #