1 00:00:01,080 --> 00:00:02,360 (WHOOSHING) 2 00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:04,920 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 3 00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:44,160 KRYTEN: # Happy Birthday to you 4 00:00:44,360 --> 00:00:47,240 # Happy Birthday to you 5 00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:51,760 # Happy Birthday, Mr Lister 6 00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:57,880 # Happy Birthday to you # 7 00:00:57,960 --> 00:00:59,080 Today? 8 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:00,400 It's the big one, sir. 9 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:01,520 What, I'm thirty? 10 00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:03,856 - (CHUCKLES) - Forty? 11 00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:04,880 Oooooh... 12 00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:07,920 Oh, what am I doing? I don't want to know! 13 00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:10,480 Don't want to know. Brain, I'm not listening. 14 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:14,640 La la la la la la la. (MIMICS SINGING) 15 00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:17,000 The years pass, but with them comes 16 00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:20,040 the soothing balm of new found grace and maturity. 17 00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:24,360 Now eat up because it's time for your present. 18 00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:27,680 I don't need a present, Krytes. I've got everything I need. 19 00:01:27,760 --> 00:01:29,520 Sir, you've got nothing. 20 00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:34,720 No life, no partner, no future. You're so easy to shop for. 21 00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:40,080 - (GROANS) - (CAT SCREAMING IN TUNE) 22 00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:45,640 Hey bud, answer me this, 23 00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:47,800 am I actually getting more good-looking? 24 00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:52,760 'Cause, yesterday, I was looking at myself in the mirror 25 00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:55,160 and the next thing you know, it's today. 26 00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:58,360 Hey, are you even listening to me? 27 00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:01,400 - (GASPING) Chest. Chest. - Huh? 28 00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:02,480 You wanna play chess? 29 00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:05,040 But we're missing half the pieces, 30 00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:07,120 and even the pieces we've got, aren't all there. 31 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:10,280 And as for that horsey one. Where the hell are his legs? 32 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:14,680 Okay, what is wrong with you today? Why are you acting so crazy. 33 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:15,880 (THUD) 34 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:20,120 Mmmm. 35 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:31,040 It's your birthday and you have a heart attack. 36 00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:33,480 It could only happen to you. It's hilarious. 37 00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:38,120 - You realize now, you'll have to retire. - Retire? 38 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:40,520 You'll have to take it easy, stop work. 39 00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:43,320 You'll probably spend most of your days sitting in the sleeping quarters, 40 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:47,240 watching TV, having your meals delivered to you on a tray. No, wait. 41 00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:50,680 You're really loving this, aren't you? 42 00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:53,480 I will be in a minute when Kryten comes in and takes your temperature 43 00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:54,600 with a rectal thermometer. 44 00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:57,160 And as it's your birthday, 45 00:02:57,240 --> 00:03:00,280 here's hoping he puts a candle on the end and asks you to blow it out. 46 00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:03,920 Good news, sir. 47 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:06,480 Why, even more good news, what this time? 48 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:09,640 Mr Lister's heart is tickety-boo. 49 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:12,680 Apparently, it was a severe indigestion attack. 50 00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:15,840 I'm not sure what could have caused that. 51 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:18,440 So, can I leave after I've finished this? 52 00:03:18,640 --> 00:03:21,880 Well. The MC says you're no longer a medical emergency, 53 00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:26,520 but as a precaution, I'd like to insert a monitoring chip into your bloodstream. 54 00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:27,920 - (BEEP) - (AIR HISSING) 55 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:29,320 What does it do exactly? 56 00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:31,600 Why don't you ask it yourself. 57 00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:33,640 - (BEEPING) - (WHIRRING) 58 00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:35,080 CHIPPY: (ELECTRONIC VOICE) Hello, Dave. 59 00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:37,480 I'm Chippy, your health-monitoring mate. 60 00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:40,840 I'm currently travelling through your body collecting medi-data. 61 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:42,800 Right now I'm in your heart, 62 00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:45,040 trying to get down one of your arteries. 63 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:50,040 (CHIPPY STRAINING) 64 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:51,880 A bit of a squeeze. 65 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:53,480 (CONTINUES STRAINING) 66 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:55,480 - That was tight. - Is everything okay? 67 00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:57,640 Well if I'm honest I've been better, 68 00:03:57,720 --> 00:03:59,520 my battery's not what it was. 69 00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:01,240 I was talking about me. 70 00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:03,320 Oh, I see. 71 00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:07,560 Well Dave, some of your arteries have more fur than an Eskimo clothes shop, 72 00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:11,360 but diet and exercise can fix all that. 73 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:14,640 I can also monitor your improvement by giving you daily updates 74 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:16,200 of when you're likely to die. 75 00:04:16,280 --> 00:04:17,680 Would you like to know that, Dave? 76 00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:19,080 (IMITATING LISTER) Er, Yes please, man. 77 00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:28,960 You'll be 63, Dave. 78 00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:31,160 Rimmer! I didn't want to know that! 79 00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:34,400 Actually, I think I am getting chest pains now. 80 00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:36,480 You are getting chest pains, Dave. 81 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:39,960 Yeah, it's the stress of listening to you telling me when I'm gonna die! 82 00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:42,560 I'll run some tests. 83 00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:44,800 I'm sure there's no cause of... Oh, dear. 84 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:48,040 Oh, dear what? 85 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:49,720 - (BEEPING) - (WARNING ALARM SOUNDING) 86 00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:51,400 CHIPPY: Dave, please remain calm, 87 00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:55,040 but you have a giant arterial blockage in your left coronary artery. 88 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:58,240 The stress of hearing you're going to die has caused you to die. 89 00:04:58,360 --> 00:04:59,840 Smegging hell. I'm gonna die. 90 00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:02,240 Now, please call emergency services. 91 00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:04,320 On second thoughts, best not waste their time. 92 00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:06,320 As I'm afraid you're going to die right now, Dave. 93 00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:08,760 Three, two, one. 94 00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:11,520 - (CHIPPY EXPLODES) - (POWERING DOWN) 95 00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:15,200 What the smeg happened there? 96 00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:18,720 It appears Chippy mixed up your death with its own. 97 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:19,800 Why? 98 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:23,200 Request permission to carry out a full investigation, sir. 99 00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:24,840 Permission granted. 100 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:34,640 It seems the corrupted files were caused 101 00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:37,280 because Chippy was running off old software. 102 00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:39,200 - How come? - For several years now, 103 00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:40,480 the system updates 104 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:42,400 haven't been automatically installing. 105 00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:44,760 Why didn't it show up on any of the consoles? 106 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:48,480 - A broken connection? - Or maybe, someone unplugged something 107 00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:51,920 and used them for his heated curling tongs? 108 00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:55,720 And there was a voice that said, 109 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:58,880 "Do not unplug, software updates will not be installed." 110 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:03,600 And this dude had to make a choice between his hair and the updates. 111 00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:07,720 And he chose his hair. 112 00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:10,360 Maybe? 113 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:13,880 - You did that? - You've been spying on me? 114 00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:17,280 Kryten, get the updates installed. 115 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:18,960 Let's see what we've been missing out on. 116 00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:20,200 (BEEPING) 117 00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:21,720 (WHIRRING) 118 00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:28,160 (MELODIC TUNE PLAYING) 119 00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:29,560 M-Corp? 120 00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:32,560 Your company has been bought by M-Corp. 121 00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:34,640 You probably have a lot of questions. 122 00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:37,320 Who is M-Corp? What do we do? 123 00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:39,360 Let's find out together. 124 00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:43,880 M-Corp is the biggest multinational conglomerate in known space. 125 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:49,000 We lead, we innovate using our patented M-Corp port technology. 126 00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:52,840 Your ship will now be stocked with a variety of M-Corp products 127 00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:55,360 to elevate your lifestyle in space. 128 00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:03,440 M-Corp. We love looking after you. 129 00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:04,760 Computers! 130 00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:05,840 TVs. 131 00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:06,960 Microwaves. 132 00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:10,120 Kryten, give me a hand to take some of this stuff up to the Science Room. 133 00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:12,160 Hey, look. 134 00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:14,840 They even do lager! 135 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:20,040 Wow! Look at this. 136 00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:25,720 6.5% ABV. Aromatic barrel-aged 137 00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:27,960 - with hints of honey and citrus. - Hmm. 138 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:29,560 I'll put these bad boys in the fridge. 139 00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:30,640 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 140 00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:34,200 Hey, it's empty. Where's the Leopard Lager? 141 00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:35,960 They're in there. Can't you see 'em? 142 00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:37,680 Erm, no! 143 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:39,040 No? 144 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,080 Are you blind? 145 00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:43,960 What's this? 146 00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:45,400 - What's what? - This. 147 00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:48,520 Is this a wind up? You're not holding anything. 148 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:51,160 Well, if I'm not holding a can of beer, 149 00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:55,320 no beer will come out when I shake it and pull the ring pull, right? 150 00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:57,160 - Right. - (BOTH MIMICKING GROANS) 151 00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:58,720 - Okay - (CAN OPENS) 152 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:02,960 (CHUCKLES) 153 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:04,800 Huh? Huh? 154 00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:06,840 What the smeg is going on? 155 00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:09,520 (SLURPING) 156 00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:10,880 Tasty. 157 00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:15,240 I can see M-Corp beer 158 00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:17,440 but I can't see any other kinds of beer. 159 00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:21,760 For instance, I can see this. But I can't see this. 160 00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:26,600 With your permission, sir, I'd like to conduct some tests. 161 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:33,720 - Can you see this? - Yes. 162 00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:36,680 And can you see this? 163 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:41,640 - No. - Extraordinary. 164 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:44,680 - Can you see this? - Yes. 165 00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:48,240 - And finally, can you see this? - (VIBRATING) 166 00:08:49,840 --> 00:08:50,960 No. 167 00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:58,720 I'm just praying that's an electric toothbrush. 168 00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:02,600 - It's much as I feared, sir. - What? 169 00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:04,880 Something really weird is going on. 170 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:08,040 Well, obviously, Kryten, but what? 171 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:10,440 It appears the M-Corp upgrade 172 00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:13,240 has installed some sort of perception filter software 173 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:14,680 and you're the only one affected. 174 00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:16,040 We can fix this, right? 175 00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:18,840 - I do have one small fear, sir. - What? 176 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:21,000 - Well, several small fears. - What? 177 00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:23,920 In fact, more than several fears and they're not that small. 178 00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:25,600 What? 179 00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:28,120 For now, let's restrict it to the largest. 180 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:29,240 Which is what! 181 00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:32,360 Due to the M-Corp perception software, 182 00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:36,040 all non-M-Corp products will become invisible to you. 183 00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:37,160 Right. 184 00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:40,480 So what's the most important thing on board that's not M-Corp? 185 00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:41,960 Well, can I be frank? 186 00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:43,360 Of course, just get on with it. 187 00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:47,520 The most important thing on board that's not M-Corp is me, sir. 188 00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:50,840 Diva Droid International aren't owned by M-Corp. 189 00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:52,320 M-Corp make droids, too? 190 00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:56,120 Droids, space craft, light bees for holograms, you name it. 191 00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:58,600 - That doesn't include me does it? - Well, I'm afraid it does, sir. 192 00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:00,800 But you just said the most important thing on board 193 00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:02,280 that was affected by this was you. 194 00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:04,120 You said I could be frank, sir. 195 00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:08,200 How on earth can you be more important than me? 196 00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:10,720 (INAUDIBLE) 197 00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:13,080 I can't hear him. I can't hear Rimmer. 198 00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:14,640 And you're complaining? 199 00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:17,840 (SILENT) What about me? 200 00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:19,480 Wait, Cat, say something else. 201 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:23,560 - CAT (SILENT) You can't hear me? He can't hear me! - RIMMER (SILENT) He can't hear you either? 202 00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:26,600 It appears the perception filter software is kicking in, sir. 203 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:28,200 And now I'm the only... (INAUDIBLE) person you can hear... 204 00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:33,440 I can't hear you either now, Kryten. What do I do? How do I fix this? 205 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:37,000 Rimmer's become invisible. 206 00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:38,280 (INAUDIBLE) 207 00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:39,560 So has Cat. 208 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:42,960 I can't hear you, Krytes. 209 00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:45,440 Skip the sirs, get straight to the point. 210 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:47,400 - (INAUDIBLE) - You think? 211 00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:50,520 At some point in the future... 212 00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:54,200 you'll become invisible, too. 213 00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:57,800 You think I don't know that. 214 00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:01,200 M-Corp. We love looking after you. 215 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:06,080 (SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYING) 216 00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:26,400 (BEER CAN CRUSHES) 217 00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:31,080 - (GUITAR STRUMS) - Oh, me guitar. 218 00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:37,840 (POWER CHORD) 219 00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:43,600 (TRIMMER WHIRRING) 220 00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:50,040 (TOOTHBRUSH WHIRRING) 221 00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:53,320 (KNOCKING) 222 00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:56,320 (METAL SLICING) 223 00:12:05,560 --> 00:12:06,560 (CLICKS) 224 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:22,080 Cat, you stealing my food? Get the hell out of here. 225 00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:23,680 No, I didn't mean that. 226 00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:25,600 You can have the food. Just come back. 227 00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:28,000 Cat? Cat? 228 00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:29,960 RIMMER: Anything on M-Corp? 229 00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:32,840 They bought Earth in the late 26th century. 230 00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:35,280 Bought Earth? Bought what exactly? 231 00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:37,040 They bought the entire planet, sir. 232 00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:40,240 And everything on it. Including fixtures and fittings. 233 00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:43,720 Oceans, countries, animals, houses, curtains, you name it. 234 00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:46,680 They even bought all the stuff no one likes. 235 00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:50,160 Maggots, quicksand, even the American chocolate. 236 00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:54,640 Where'd they get the dough from? 237 00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:58,760 M-Corp owned all the electricity and oil and gas and wind. 238 00:12:58,840 --> 00:12:59,880 Even the rain water. 239 00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,640 But the rain water belongs to Earth. 240 00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:03,560 To everyone and everything on it. 241 00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:05,640 My God, I've turned into a hippy. 242 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:10,480 And the Earth dudes just stood around and let this happen? 243 00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:14,000 Well, by then, M-Corp had introduced a law to tax thinking. 244 00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:16,000 A Think Tax? 245 00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:17,960 You'd have got a rebate every year. 246 00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:26,960 They monitored the electrical charges the brain consumed, firing neurons 247 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,520 and charged accordingly. 248 00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:32,360 As the brain requires electrical charges to do practically anything, 249 00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:33,880 blink, drink, think, 250 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:36,600 no one could afford the thinking time to fight back. 251 00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:38,840 We've got to get rid of the M-Corp update 252 00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:41,240 before it takes over Red Dwarf like it took over Earth. 253 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,640 But how? It's already starting to get rid of us by making us invisible. 254 00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,520 If we can access the ship's mainframe, 255 00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:51,120 we may be able to reboot Red Dwarf back to its factory settings. 256 00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:53,840 - It sounds dangerous, I don't like it. - What happens to me? 257 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:55,440 You'll cease to exist, sir. 258 00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:57,480 (CAT HUMS) 259 00:13:58,160 --> 00:13:59,480 It's starting to grow on me. 260 00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:02,520 I have a solution, though. 261 00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:06,440 We take one of your backup drives, before the new software was loaded, 262 00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:09,760 then reload you back onto the system when we reboot. 263 00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:12,320 So, I'll have lost a month's memory, but no more. 264 00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:13,400 Precisely. 265 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:16,480 He builds you up, then knocks you down. 266 00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:22,280 (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) 267 00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:26,200 ANITER: Looking for more from life? 268 00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:28,320 Then why not visit us at M-Corp 269 00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:30,920 for a no strings attached, trial weekend, 270 00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:33,880 served by your own artificial assistant. 271 00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:36,040 Artificial assistant? 272 00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:38,400 Maybe they can help me get the guys back. 273 00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:40,120 Step into the teleporter, 274 00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:43,560 and let us introduce you to our world. 275 00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:47,880 (WHIRRING) 276 00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:56,680 What's going on? 277 00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:58,920 I look like a yoga instructor. 278 00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:15,880 Welcome to M-Corp. 279 00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,680 A pay-per-life, virtual integrated environment. 280 00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:21,800 Most people who come, stay forever. 281 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:26,480 I just want to switch this perception filter off so I can see the guys again. 282 00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:28,880 There are five life packages. 283 00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:31,600 Platinum, Gold, Silver, Basic and Basic Lite. 284 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:36,240 With the credits available to you, Dave, you are eligible to purchase Basic Lite. 285 00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:38,440 The worst one? 286 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:40,680 I'm on that life package already. 287 00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:45,040 Basic Lite allows you to talk to five people, 288 00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:47,760 up to a cap of 200 words per day. 289 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,040 And what? Then you've got to stop talking? 290 00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:53,320 The average man speaks 7,000 words per day. 291 00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:56,240 The average woman speaks 20,000. 292 00:15:57,840 --> 00:15:59,640 So you may need to purchase more, 293 00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:01,800 or alternatively, 294 00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:03,440 you can wait until the following day 295 00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:06,320 where you'll be eligible to begin speaking again. 296 00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:07,960 You know that's mad? 297 00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:10,480 And anyway, there's no one here. Who do I talk to? 298 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:14,480 You can purchase friends, Dave, ideally matched to your interests. 299 00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:16,320 Meet Steve. 300 00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:20,640 Hi, Dave, I'm Steve. 301 00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:23,640 We're going to be really good mates. 302 00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:26,760 Would you like to purchase Steve, Dave? 303 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:29,040 He's just three hundred dollar-pounds? 304 00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:31,760 You know you want to. 305 00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:33,200 No. 306 00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:36,800 I don't want to buy Steve or any other hobbit for that matter. 307 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:39,080 But I'm a bargain. 308 00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:41,520 I play drums. I drink real ale. 309 00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:43,240 I love Zero-G, 310 00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:46,040 and, and I'm really crap at computer games, 311 00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:47,640 so you will always beat me. 312 00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:49,240 It's a match made in heaven. 313 00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:51,240 No. 314 00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:52,760 Bummer. 315 00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:58,400 Look, I'm not interested. Just get your software off my ship, 316 00:16:58,760 --> 00:16:59,960 'cause I want to go home. 317 00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:04,120 At present you don't have enough credits to cancel your trial weekend, Dave, 318 00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:07,440 but you could earn credits and then buy early release. 319 00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:19,120 I found the master reboot box 320 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:22,640 in Captain Hollister's super secure, lead strong box. 321 00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:26,840 It's ready to take your stand-in senior officer password. 322 00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:29,080 And my replacement file's on standby? 323 00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:30,440 Right here, sir. 324 00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:31,880 Here we go. 325 00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:34,560 It's gone clean out of my head. 326 00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:36,920 I can't remember any passwords. 327 00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,560 I don't even know the code to my Space Cadet lunch box. 328 00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:41,880 Lets not panic, sir. 329 00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:44,800 Perhaps you can answer the secret security question. 330 00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:47,040 The one you chose when you set up the system. 331 00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:49,240 Here's the question you set: 332 00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:52,040 "Who did you share your first kiss with?" 333 00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:54,840 I'll type this: "Uncle Frank". 334 00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:59,320 Kryten, that was personal. 335 00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:00,920 It was a special moment, 336 00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:04,000 I had no wish to share it with the rest of world, if you don't mind. 337 00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:06,120 You already told us this story. 338 00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:09,440 The dude snuck into your bedroom because he thought you were your mama. 339 00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:12,720 I was asleep, okay. Now if you don't mind, can I get on? 340 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,080 Is that what he said? 341 00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:17,680 Sir, when you set the security question up, 342 00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:20,280 why didn't you simply put in the name of your first love? 343 00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:22,360 The questions are supposed to be obscure, 344 00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:24,680 so it's hard for anyone to break in and get inside. 345 00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:26,360 Unlike your kissing lips. 346 00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:29,560 Ah. We did it. 347 00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:32,000 Red Dwarf is about to reboot. 348 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:35,040 (POWERING DOWN) 349 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:39,000 (POWERING UP) 350 00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:43,440 What happened? Where are we? 351 00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:46,240 Sir, you've rebooted from your safety file. 352 00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:47,920 You've missed the last month. 353 00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:49,200 I did? What happened? 354 00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:52,320 I beat you at poker this morning and you agreed to be my slave for a day. 355 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:53,960 The rest, he'll fill you in. 356 00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:57,680 Come on, Mr Lister should be able to see us now. 357 00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:04,720 There's no way I'm buying anything off you guys. Ever. 358 00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:07,000 (YELPS) 359 00:19:07,120 --> 00:19:09,400 Would you like to buy some pain pills, Dave? 360 00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:10,640 No. (YELPS) 361 00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:13,000 We can dock it directly from your account. 362 00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:14,920 All right, fine. Quick. 363 00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:16,640 (COIN CLINKS) 364 00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:22,160 Water. I need a glass of water. 365 00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:24,640 That will be 40 dollar-pounds, Dave. 366 00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:25,920 For water? 367 00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:27,160 For the glass. 368 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:30,480 The water is a further 400 dollar-pounds. 369 00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:33,680 - I'll pay now. - (COIN CLINKS) 370 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:40,600 You caused that pain somehow, didn't you? 371 00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:43,480 Well, that's it. I'm not buying anything else. 372 00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:46,520 Whoa. Fire. 373 00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:48,360 Where's the fire extinguisher? 374 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:51,520 If you're in need of a fire extinguisher, you're in luck, 375 00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:53,680 because for a limited time only, 376 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:55,840 we're having a sale on fire extinguishers. 377 00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:59,920 They're currently just 600 dollar-pounds. 378 00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:02,960 No, I'm not buying one! I'm taking a stand... 379 00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:05,600 - (FIRE INTENSIFIES) - Okay, I am buying one! 380 00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:06,840 I'm not taking a stand. 381 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:09,280 For an additional payment would you like to purchase 382 00:20:09,360 --> 00:20:11,440 insurance for your fire extinguisher, Dave? 383 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:14,880 Yeah. Fine. Whatever! Just give me the smegging extinguisher! 384 00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:21,640 (HISSING) 385 00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:25,160 Is there anything else I can help you with? 386 00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:27,200 You know what? There is actually. 387 00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:29,160 You can go and take a flying-- 388 00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:30,720 - (BEEPING) - I'm afraid you've depleted 389 00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:32,480 your word account for today, Dave. 390 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:34,240 (INAUDIBLE) I'll buy more words. 391 00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:36,160 You'd like to buy more words? 392 00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:39,400 How many words would you like to buy, Dave? 393 00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:41,000 (INAUDIBLE) Seven thousand. 394 00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:42,920 You've run out of credits, Dave. 395 00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:45,680 So now, we remove time from your lifeline. 396 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:48,000 (INAUDIBLE) My what? 397 00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:51,960 You charge in time? 398 00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:53,840 Why do you charge in time? 399 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:55,720 Everything costs time, Dave. 400 00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:58,400 It's the most valuable commodity in the universe. 401 00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:02,200 I've got older again. Why? 402 00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:04,480 That's the charge for my guidance, Dave. 403 00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:06,720 As you've no longer got any credits, 404 00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:09,640 I now charge you, in life. 405 00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:13,240 Mr Lister, sir! 406 00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:16,200 He's not here. Where the hell's he gone? 407 00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:17,840 It looks like he used this teleporter. 408 00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:19,360 We've got to track him down. 409 00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:20,680 How? He could be anywhere. 410 00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:23,680 Well, if I can repair Chippy's computer, 411 00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:25,800 we might be able to re-establish contact 412 00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:28,440 with the implant that's inside Mr Lister's body. 413 00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:30,440 - And track that down? - Precisely. 414 00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:33,760 All repaired. 415 00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:36,920 I'm getting a signal but his lifeline is very weak. 416 00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:38,080 We don't have much time. 417 00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:40,440 Printing tele-coordinates now. 418 00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:42,000 (BEEPING) 419 00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:48,360 (PEOPLE CHATTERING) 420 00:21:56,280 --> 00:21:57,320 Who are these people? 421 00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:01,440 Excuse me, do you know a Dave Lister? 422 00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:04,360 Dave? Sure, he's my friend. 423 00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:06,480 ALL: We're all his friends. 424 00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:14,360 So Lister bought all this stuff? 425 00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:16,840 How? Where's he got the dough? 426 00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:19,160 (EXCLAIMS) It's Mr Lister! 427 00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:23,720 They've charged him in time. We've got to get him out of here. 428 00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:28,760 He still can't see or hear us. 429 00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:30,360 Let's get him to the teleporter. 430 00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:34,000 Hey, what's going on? Why am I moving? 431 00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:41,720 Welcome to M-Corp. A pay-per-life virtual integrated environment. 432 00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:43,560 We don't want to buy anything from you. 433 00:22:44,040 --> 00:22:45,520 - Are you sure? - Yes. 434 00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:49,360 There's nothing I can sell you? How about a sound system? 435 00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:51,440 - ALL: No! - I'd love one. 436 00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:55,160 How about a lightweight, hydro mop steam cleaner? 437 00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:56,240 ALL: No. 438 00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:57,640 Okay. I'll have one of them, too. 439 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:00,880 Everyone wants to buy something. 440 00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:02,520 We're never gonna get out of here. 441 00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:04,120 Wait, I have it. 442 00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:05,440 Excuse me, miss. 443 00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:09,040 We'd like to buy a malicious virus that will shut you down 444 00:23:09,120 --> 00:23:10,640 and allow us to escape. 445 00:23:11,240 --> 00:23:14,320 Certainly. Thank you for shopping with M-Corp. 446 00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:16,520 We hope to see you again soon. 447 00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:18,280 (POWERING DOWN) 448 00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:21,360 (DOOR OPENING) 449 00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:26,240 Does that mean I don't get me hydro steamer? 450 00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:31,360 Mr Lister? 451 00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:33,960 He still can't see or hear us. 452 00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:35,360 Let's get him back to Red Dwarf. 453 00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:38,720 What's going on guys? Is this you? 454 00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:51,800 This doesn't make sense. 455 00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:54,320 We're no longer running the M-Corp software. 456 00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:57,200 We've rebooted the ship. Why can't he see or hear us? 457 00:23:57,280 --> 00:23:58,680 I still can't see or hear you. 458 00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:02,240 So if this thing ain't in the ship, where is it? 459 00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:06,880 Unless of course it's not the ship that contains the M-Corp software, 460 00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:08,480 it's in Mr Lister. 461 00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:11,760 The perception software didn't hack Red Dwarf. It hacked Lister's brain. 462 00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:12,960 So lemme get this straight. 463 00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:15,520 Are you saying Dreadlock Dave's got some kind of virus in his head. 464 00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:17,440 If so, how come I didn't catch it? 465 00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:19,760 Perhaps it needs more than two bytes of RAM. 466 00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:23,600 So what we gonna do? 467 00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:27,120 To get rid of the virus, we have to treat Mr Lister's brain 468 00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:29,360 in the same way we'd treat a corrupted computer. 469 00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:34,520 We have to delete everything and reinstall new files. 470 00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:36,920 Perhaps if I patch through to Chippy, 471 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:40,000 we can communicate with him on a different frequency. 472 00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:45,320 Mr Lister, can you hear me? 473 00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:47,360 Kryten? 474 00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:50,960 Sir, we need to reinstall your personality. 475 00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:54,200 It's the only way to rid your brain of this virus. 476 00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:56,080 Where are we gonna get my personality from? 477 00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:59,520 The JMC always backs up its crew's files 478 00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:02,160 to enable it to resurrect any single crew member 479 00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:03,520 back as a hologram. 480 00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:08,000 According to the logs, sir, your last file save was when you were 23. 481 00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:11,800 Are you saying, I'm going to lose everything I've learned 482 00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:13,480 and go back to being 23? 483 00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:16,640 That whole wealth of wisdom and knowledge and experience 484 00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:17,760 will go down the flusher? 485 00:25:18,120 --> 00:25:20,520 Don't worry bud, give us a few minutes, we'll fill you in. 486 00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:24,520 Perhaps I can rebuild your full profile 487 00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:26,680 based on CCTV recordings. 488 00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:29,760 But it'll take at least a month to get you fully restored. 489 00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:37,920 LISTER: # To Ganymede and Titan Yes, sir, I've been around # 490 00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:39,440 RIMMER: Lister, stop singing. 491 00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:42,120 Yes, sir, Rimmer, sir. 492 00:25:44,440 --> 00:25:46,160 (STARTS HUMMING) 493 00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:48,320 - Lister, shut up! - I'm only humming. 494 00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:49,480 Well, don't hum. 495 00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:56,960 Oh, God, he's back. 496 00:25:57,180 --> 00:25:58,620 Hey, Bagsy, top bunk! 497 00:26:02,144 --> 00:26:05,544 # It's cold outside There's no kind of atmosphere 498 00:26:05,704 --> 00:26:09,024 # I'm all alone, more or less 499 00:26:09,104 --> 00:26:12,384 # Let me fly far away from here 500 00:26:12,464 --> 00:26:15,184 # Fun, fun, fun 501 00:26:15,304 --> 00:26:18,864 # In the sun, sun, sun 502 00:26:18,944 --> 00:26:22,384 # I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose 503 00:26:22,464 --> 00:26:25,624 # Drinking fresh mango juice 504 00:26:25,704 --> 00:26:29,024 # Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes 505 00:26:29,104 --> 00:26:31,824 # Fun, fun, fun 506 00:26:31,904 --> 00:26:35,344 # In the sun, sun, sun 507 00:26:35,664 --> 00:26:38,344 # Fun, fun, fun 508 00:26:38,424 --> 00:26:42,544 # In the sun, sun, sun #