1
00:00:01,040 --> 00:00:04,320
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

2
00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:37,480
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

3
00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:47,920
Hey-hey, Officer Smegski.

4
00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:49,560
How's it going, non bud?

5
00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:51,840
I'm busy, don't disturb me.

6
00:00:52,360 --> 00:00:54,920
Last time you disturbed me,
I was doing the safety check.

7
00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:57,360
And, I failed to notice
that the diesel decks were flooded.

8
00:00:58,200 --> 00:00:59,840
All I said was, "Help, I'm on fire."

9
00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:05,240
And it distracted me. I had to break off
from what I was doing and put you out.

10
00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:08,480
I was just cooking, is that a crime?

11
00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:11,200
As far as I'm concerned,
you're not allowed to cook.

12
00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:14,680
You always get distracted
by your reflection in the spatula

13
00:01:15,320 --> 00:01:17,560
Man, that is such a cliché.

14
00:01:18,360 --> 00:01:20,720
I can look at myself in a mirror
without getting distracted.

15
00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:31,040
Hey, guys.

16
00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:32,800
Cat.

17
00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:34,480
Cat.

18
00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:36,560
- Cat!
- Wh... Wha... What?

19
00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:38,080
(STUTTERING) Where am I?
What's happening?

20
00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:41,200
You'll never guess what me
and Kryten have found.

21
00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:43,760
We've been going through Human Resources

22
00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:46,920
and found Captain Hollister's
crew appraisal files.

23
00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:50,360
You shouldn't be reading those.
They're for the Captain's eyes only.

24
00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:52,040
Why do you think we're reading them?

25
00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:54,120
This is mine. Check this.

26
00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:58,800
David Lister, although clearly
quite bright, is lazy, slovenly,

27
00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:01,640
rebellious, unreliable,
rude and disorganized.

28
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You hear that?
He thought I was quite bright.

29
00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:06,800
How cool is that?

30
00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:09,080
- Let me see mine.
- No, no, no.

31
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He'll only read the good parts.

32
00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:12,200
Lister, hand it over.

33
00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:14,680
Okay. This is you.

34
00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:20,080
"Arnold J Rimmer comes
from an outstanding military family,

35
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"his three brothers
all hold positions of command

36
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"and are hugely respected members
of the Space Corps.

37
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"Arnold, however has not succeeded
to the same bla bla bla,

38
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largely due to his bla bla bla bla bla,
consequently and rather tragically,

39
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"he's found he has never attained

40
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"any of the bla bla blas
he's set himself.

41
00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:40,880
"In summary, he will never get
bla bla bla in life

42
00:02:41,280 --> 00:02:44,000
"while he continues to blame everyone
for his own failings."

43
00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:47,440
Blame people? I don't blame people.

44
00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:50,960
And even if I do, I got that off my Mum.
She's a huge blamer.

45
00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:55,920
It's not my fault
I never made anything of myself.

46
00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:58,400
What chance did I stand
stuck with you lot?

47
00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:00,120
How's it our fault?

48
00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:03,760
You're supposed to surround yourself
with people who are brighter

49
00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:05,040
and more successful than you.

50
00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:06,320
You have.

51
00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:09,720
Quite bright.

52
00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:18,160
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

53
00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:25,000
I'm trying to get Mr. Lister
to adopt a healthier lifestyle.

54
00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:27,120
Fruit? You've got more chance

55
00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:29,280
of getting a vampire
to eat garlic bread.

56
00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:33,680
Goodness, have you seen this
on the mid-range scan?

57
00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:35,200
It's quite terrifying!

58
00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:36,960
I've told Lister a hundred times

59
00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:39,760
not to use my passport photo
as the screen saver.

60
00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:42,000
Front on has never been my best side.

61
00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:46,520
And why he wants to blu-tack
a piece of donner kebab meat

62
00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:49,440
to the screen, to make me look like
Freddie Mercury, is beyond me.

63
00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:52,280
Just clean it off.

64
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:56,480
No, sir, you don't understand,
the scanner's picked something up.

65
00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:57,720
What is that?

66
00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:02,320
It appears that some kind of anomaly
has penetrated our universe.

67
00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:04,560
I hate people who use the word anomaly,

68
00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:06,520
they think they're so cool.

69
00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:09,400
"Oh, look, here's an anomaly,
anomalling away.

70
00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:13,520
"I'm really cosmologically 'on trend'
because I know what 'anomaly' means."

71
00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:17,200
It's just a fancy-smancy word for weird.

72
00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:21,400
Sir, something weird
has penetrated our universe

73
00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:23,760
which appears to have caused
a giant lesion

74
00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:25,760
across the space-time continuum.

75
00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:29,120
Is it okay to say 'lesion', sir?
Or would you prefer me to say 'cut'?

76
00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,600
Lesion, cuts,
they're both the same to me,

77
00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:34,760
it's the people
who say continuum I can't stand.

78
00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:37,480
Whatever it is, sir,
it's heading our way.

79
00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:39,160
- Could we out-run it?
- (SCOFFS) Sir,

80
00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:43,240
Red Dwarf can't out run a fat guy
with a backpack of uranium

81
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:45,400
who's just scoffed a family fun bucket.

82
00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:46,680
(RUMBLING)

83
00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:51,760
What the hell was that?

84
00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:53,080
Some crazy quake thing.

85
00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:54,440
You think it's serious?

86
00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:56,480
Listen. Unless the chick
with the really calm voice

87
00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:57,960
starts talking it ain't serious.

88
00:04:58,040 --> 00:04:59,480
CALM VOICE LADY:
Please remain calm.

89
00:05:00,840 --> 00:05:02,400
There is no need for alarm.

90
00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:04,680
It's serious. Start panicking!

91
00:05:04,920 --> 00:05:07,880
CALM VOICE LADY: Can all crew
please return to their quarters,

92
00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:10,760
so we can begin a body count
of the survivors.

93
00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:12,600
We ain't going to no sleeping quarters.

94
00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:15,560
We're going up to the science room,
find out what the hell's happening!

95
00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:16,920
Damn right.

96
00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:21,720
- What just happened?
- I don't know.

97
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:24,880
We were in the corridor
heading to the science room.

98
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:27,640
Let's think about this.

99
00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:30,800
- Make us a coffee, would you?
- Hey, I'm a cat,

100
00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:32,560
I ain't making you coffee.

101
00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:34,640
Milk and two sugars, right?

102
00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:37,160
Cheers, man.

103
00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:41,200
I just made that?

104
00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:43,440
When did I just make that?

105
00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:45,920
Why did I just make that?

106
00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:48,160
What the hell's going on?

107
00:05:48,840 --> 00:05:51,120
I don't know, but I like it.
Got any biscuits?

108
00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:53,360
I ain't getting you no biscuits.

109
00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:54,600
Biscuits?

110
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:57,440
Weird.

111
00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:05,320
What just happened? Is Red Dwarf okay?

112
00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:07,280
Running a damage report now, sir.

113
00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:08,960
(BEEPING)

114
00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:10,280
And?

115
00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:12,280
(FASTER BEEPING)

116
00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:13,920
And?

117
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:16,000
(FASTER BEEPING)

118
00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:20,400
As Louis the XVI might have said,
had he been in the exact same situation:

119
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- 'Et?"
- According to the computer,

120
00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:25,280
I haven't requested a damage report.

121
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:28,000
- But I just saw you request one.
- And I did, sir.

122
00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:32,200
Right, new plan, let's not request
a damage report, instead...

123
00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:34,040
(COMPUTER GRINDING) Results now in.

124
00:06:34,840 --> 00:06:36,200
Was there some sort of time lag?

125
00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:37,280
(GRINDING CONTINUES)

126
00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:39,640
We shouldn't tell the others
until we get to the bottom of this.

127
00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:41,200
Can Mr. Lister and Mr. Cat

128
00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:43,040
please make their way
to the science room.

129
00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:44,920
How did I get here?

130
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:46,600
I didn't see you move.

131
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:48,040
I wonder.

132
00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:51,840
Permission to try an anomalous,
I mean weird, experiment, sir.

133
00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:54,480
- How weird?
- Just moderately weird, sir,

134
00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:57,040
say a 1989 Michael Jackson.

135
00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:01,920
Now, here's what I want you to do.

136
00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:04,480
Make a decision
and if my theory is correct,

137
00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:05,960
when you've made the decision,

138
00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,880
the choice you don't make
will be the result.

139
00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:10,440
The choice I don't make?

140
00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:11,600
I have it.

141
00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:13,520
What would you like me
to throw you, sir?

142
00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:15,480
This apple or this orange?

143
00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:16,800
The apple.

144
00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:21,280
What? That's not possible.

145
00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:22,720
You threw me an apple.

146
00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:26,480
Well, according to the Many Worlds
interpretation of reality,

147
00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:30,680
every choice not taken results
in the formation of a new universe

148
00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:32,520
that creates a new timeline

149
00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:34,560
and plays out the choice not taken.

150
00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:37,000
But now, due to the lesion,

151
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:39,880
we are getting the results
of the choices we haven't made

152
00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:41,120
feeding back to us.

153
00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:43,520
That's more than
moderately weird, Kryten.

154
00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:45,960
That's more like a 1993 Michael Jackson.

155
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:50,160
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

156
00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:54,360
So what do you think is happening?

157
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,840
I think I know,
but I need to test me theory.

158
00:07:57,080 --> 00:07:58,240
So, test it!

159
00:07:58,480 --> 00:07:59,880
Okay, you ready?

160
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:01,480
Ready.

161
00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:02,760
OK then.

162
00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:04,560
Make my breakfast.

163
00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:06,400
I ain't making you breakfast.

164
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:09,040
(HUMMING)

165
00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:12,600
More bacon, bud?

166
00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:14,960
I've already had breakfast.
I'm not going to eat this.

167
00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:18,920
(INAUDIBLE)

168
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:21,640
I'm going to eat this.

169
00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:24,720
I don't get it.

170
00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:28,320
Whatever choice you make,
the choice you don't make happens.

171
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:31,360
We should go tell Kryten
and helicopter landing pad head.

172
00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:33,520
Good idea, but first tidy my bunk.

173
00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:35,520
I ain't tidying your bunk!

174
00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:42,520
Oh! I get it now.

175
00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:43,920
Oh, do you?

176
00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:47,120
- Yeah.
- Well. Polish my boots.

177
00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:52,240
(HESITATINGLY) I ain't, not going
to not polish your boots.

178
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:01,280
Damn it!

179
00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:04,240
You miscounted your ain't and nots.

180
00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:06,160
So what's the plan?

181
00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:08,760
Well, I say, let's not walk down
the corridor

182
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:10,480
and not get the lift
to the Science Room.

183
00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:12,200
- And not find the others?
- Exactly.

184
00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:14,720
My kind of mission, let's do nothing.

185
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:19,960
(BUZZES)

186
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:24,400
You had a choice to make
between the lift and the stairs.

187
00:09:24,560 --> 00:09:26,600
I didn't think and just chose the lift.

188
00:09:26,680 --> 00:09:28,760
So here we are, on the stairs.

189
00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:31,160
Two hundred and twenty nine floors
above G deck.

190
00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:33,000
So what are we gonna do now?

191
00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:35,240
We just got to decide
not to use the lift

192
00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:37,320
and continue walking down the stairs.

193
00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:43,120
I think we're getting the hang
of this now. Whoo! (HOOTS)

194
00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:44,320
No!
(BUZZES)

195
00:09:48,080 --> 00:09:49,080
It was instinct!

196
00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:54,520
Look, if you want to call a lift,
you've got to decide not to call a lift,

197
00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:56,040
and then, a lift will be called.

198
00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:58,000
Hey, I'm not a moron.

199
00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:00,680
Which in this reality,
makes you a moron.

200
00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:04,120
It's just a question
of remembering to do the opposite.

201
00:10:04,680 --> 00:10:05,680
So here's the plan,

202
00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:08,160
we're gonna continue
to walk down the stairs,

203
00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:11,640
we're going to continue not to go
to the science room

204
00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:13,960
where we won't speak
to Kryten and Rimmer

205
00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:17,320
and we definitely won't find out
what the smegging hell is going on.

206
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:19,000
(BEEPS)

207
00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:22,400
Have you figured out
what's hell's happening yet?

208
00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:23,560
I believe I have sir.

209
00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:26,920
May I suggest, we don't stay here
and we don't discuss

210
00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:30,040
- the peculiar events taking place.
- Definitely not.

211
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:31,480
I don't agree with any of that.

212
00:10:31,680 --> 00:10:32,840
Are you guys nuts?

213
00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:35,400
We gotta stay here and figure out
what the hell's happening.

214
00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:36,480
ALL: No!

215
00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:42,000
You are so not a moron.

216
00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:45,400
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

217
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:51,200
As we all know, every single decision
every person rejects,

218
00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:52,840
creates a new universe.

219
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,560
Which leads us to believe
there is a universe somewhere

220
00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:58,680
where every possible thing
that could happen, happens.

221
00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:02,120
So somewhere, there's a universe
where you get to the point?

222
00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:07,040
And, a universe
where double denim with crocs is cool?

223
00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:12,280
There'll probably even be a universe
where I return to my old ship

224
00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:13,880
and apply for a new post.

225
00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:15,760
I can just picture their faces,

226
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:17,760
"Oh, but you're just a bog bot,

227
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:19,800
"fit only for cleaning toilets."

228
00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:23,360
And I say, "Just toilets?
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?

229
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:24,600
"Is that what you think?

230
00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:26,320
"So, how come I can do this?"

231
00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:28,840
And I take them all down
to their Science Deck

232
00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:30,440
and I mop that floor.

233
00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:34,920
It makes you think though,

234
00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:37,320
all those decisions
you've made in your life,

235
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:39,360
somewhere, a different version of you

236
00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:42,240
is living out the opposite
of all your decisions.

237
00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:45,360
What a life he must be having,
that lucky bastard.

238
00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:50,120
All the women who said "no" to me
in this universe, said "yes" to him.

239
00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:53,120
Hmmm. All two of them.

240
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:57,280
So, what's caused this lesion?
Have we any ideas?

241
00:11:57,520 --> 00:12:00,880
Well, I believe it may be a result
of an experiment I've been testing.

242
00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:02,440
ALL: You?

243
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:06,200
I've been trying to create
a portable device

244
00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:09,920
that allows the user to quantum skip
to other universes.

245
00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:11,600
So, what's gone wrong?

246
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:12,960
It appears it's worked,

247
00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:15,920
but I may have
slightly miscalculated the settings

248
00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:18,440
and ripped a hole in space time.

249
00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:21,320
So wait a minute,

250
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:24,880
you built a Quantum Skipper
on board Red Dwarf? How?

251
00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:27,120
Well, not so much built as repaired,

252
00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:31,000
it was among the tech we salvaged
from the Quantum research station

253
00:12:31,160 --> 00:12:32,360
we visited last month.

254
00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:35,120
So, hang on. Are you saying
if we tweak the settings,

255
00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:38,880
we can fix the lesion
and Quantum skip between universes?

256
00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:41,080
- Indeed.
- Why would we want to do that?

257
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:43,200
What's so great about here?

258
00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:44,600
It's got me.

259
00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:49,160
I can't leave, I'm the last human being
in this universe,

260
00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:50,560
I've got responsibilities.

261
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:51,960
What about you Kryten?

262
00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:54,480
I need to stay here
and look after Mr. Lister.

263
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:58,800
Without me, he'd fall apart
quicker than a Jabba the Hutt diet plan.

264
00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:01,160
Oh, Kryten give over.

265
00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:05,640
Uh, sir, that power line is live,
it's best not to suck it.

266
00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:08,040
(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)
(SHOCKS)

267
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:10,800
Cheers, Krytes.

268
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:13,480
Kryten, when will this Quantum skipper
be up and running?

269
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:17,360
Well, I hope to have the lesion closed
and the skipper fully functioning

270
00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:18,440
in a few hours, sir.

271
00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:21,440
- So, you're going then?
- Of course, I am.

272
00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:24,520
It's a chance for a new life,
a fresh start.

273
00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:26,800
New people. Better people.

274
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:29,040
He should do this.

275
00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:31,400
Who knows, maybe
there's another universe out there

276
00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:33,200
where he isn't such a giant loser.

277
00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:37,040
Even with an infinite number
of universes,

278
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:38,400
that's going to take some finding.

279
00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:41,720
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

280
00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:46,480
I'm recalibrating the settings now.

281
00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:48,360
(BEEPING) So, have I got a menu
to choose from?

282
00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:49,880
Oh, not as such sir,

283
00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:51,320
but all the dimensions

284
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:53,880
should, in some way,
be closely connected to our own

285
00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:57,640
and skipping between realities should be
relatively straight forward,

286
00:13:58,200 --> 00:13:59,520
although the Quantum skipper

287
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:02,520
does require recharge time
between skips.

288
00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:05,040
So, what do I do
to quantum skip out of here?

289
00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:07,280
Why so long? Come on, tell him!

290
00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:10,640
You simply press this button here, sir

291
00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:13,680
and you will be transported
to a random universe

292
00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:14,920
within the multiverse.

293
00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:17,920
Now, is there anything you want to say
before you go?

294
00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:22,040
Well, as you know, I'm not one
for long farewell speeches,

295
00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:23,760
but, I have written this.

296
00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:29,800
See ya!

297
00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:32,320
(BEEPS)

298
00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:40,680
(EXHALES)

299
00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:42,600
This is just Red Dwarf.

300
00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:45,280
I thought I was going to quantum skip
somewhere good.

301
00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:50,800
Morning, Arnold.

302
00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:53,360
Morning, Holly.

303
00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:02,400
Holly? When is this? Where am I?

304
00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:05,000
It's Monday and you're in a corridor.

305
00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:09,680
Anything else I can help you with?

306
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:12,080
Are you still senile?

307
00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:13,840
I've never been senile.

308
00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:16,640
I was a dancing cabbage for a while

309
00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:19,240
but I'm over that now.

310
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:22,560
Turned out it was some corrupted files.

311
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:24,880
So you're sane again?
Have you been tested?

312
00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:27,120
I'm a computer that runs the ship.

313
00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:30,560
I'm tested every month.
Of course, I've been tested.

314
00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:32,040
I'm always being tested.

315
00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:34,400
Can you prove that?
Have you got a certificate?

316
00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:36,240
Well no, I failed the tests.

317
00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:41,080
I forgot to turn the paper over.

318
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:44,840
I didn't realize there were two sides.

319
00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:50,880
- Bradley?
- Get back to work, Rimmer.

320
00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:54,360
The crew are alive?

321
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:57,000
- Yes, Arnold.
- The original crew?

322
00:15:57,480 --> 00:15:58,480
Yes, Arnold.

323
00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:00,040
Captain Hollister?

324
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:01,920
Nobody's dead, Arnold.

325
00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:04,080
Todhunter?

326
00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:09,920
Nobody's dead, Arnold.

327
00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:12,080
Not even Petersen?

328
00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:17,240
- Nobody.
- Nobody's dead? Not even Lister?

329
00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:19,280
Gordon Bennett

330
00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:23,880
Lister, Petersen, nobody.

331
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:27,360
Nobody is dead. Nobody is dead, Arnold.

332
00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:33,280
So hang on, you're telling me
nobody's dead?

333
00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:36,760
I wish I'd never bought this up now.

334
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:41,080
How is this any better
than where I came from?

335
00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:43,240
Where's Lister?
Where is that little goit?

336
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:44,760
He's in stasis.

337
00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:46,920
He smuggled an unquarantined animal

338
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:49,760
on board, so got thrown
into suspended animation.

339
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:50,960
So wait.

340
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:54,080
How did you all survive the radiation
leak that wiped out all the crew?

341
00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:56,440
There hasn't been
a radiation leak, Arnold.

342
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:57,640
Are you sure?

343
00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:00,520
Sorry to break off, Arnold,
I've got to make an announcement.

344
00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:03,600
(BUZZING)

345
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:05,440
Radiation leak alert!

346
00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:07,360
(SIREN WAILING)

347
00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:09,720
Radiation leak alert!

348
00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:12,400
All crew should run around screaming.

349
00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:16,200
Oh, my God! It's happening now!

350
00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:21,320
According to this wall console,

351
00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:23,640
a cadmium two radiation leak,

352
00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:25,720
and it's sweeping it's way
through the ship.

353
00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:28,240
We've lost the entire port side.

354
00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:30,720
Not just the port. The sherry,
the brandy,

355
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:33,520
we've lost the entire bar deck.

356
00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:36,360
(BEEPING) Damn this needs
more recharge time.

357
00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:39,200
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

358
00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:42,120
- Captain?
- Oh, Rimmer.

359
00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:46,120
Man this is embarrassing.

360
00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:47,280
What are you doing?

361
00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:50,480
I was trying to go down with the Dwarf
do the right thing,

362
00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:54,080
when suddenly,
I tripped into this escape pod.

363
00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:56,880
Thought I was pressing the "get me out
of this damned thing

364
00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:58,880
"I want to die nobly
with my crew" button,

365
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:01,840
only it turned out to be
the "get me home fast" switch.

366
00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:04,360
Now, it's launching.

367
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:07,320
Just press that emergency open switch,
take me with you.

368
00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:11,880
I'd like to invite you along Rimmer,
but as you can see,

369
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:14,560
it's only a four seater,
so there's only room for me.

370
00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:19,080
But, sir, I thought all good captains
went down with their ships.

371
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:22,040
They do. Laters.

372
00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:24,600
(BUZZING AND THUDDING)

373
00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:28,320
(BEEPING)

374
00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:34,160
(BEEPING)
Oh, nuts.

375
00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:36,840
(BUZZING)

376
00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:39,600
(SIGHING) What reality's this?

377
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:41,000
(BEEPING)

378
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:44,240
Hello?

379
00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:46,840
Hello?

380
00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:49,280
Oh, it's you.

381
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:52,120
Ah sir, there you are,
we're about to eat.

382
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,200
Kryten, where is this? Where am I?
Where's Lister?

383
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,520
Are you feeling quite all right, sir?

384
00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:01,280
I've just Quantum skipped
from another reality,

385
00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:03,480
I'm looking for something better
than the one I came from.

386
00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:05,200
What's Lister like here?

387
00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:08,760
Well, he's a lovely, kind, hard-working,
wonderful man,

388
00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:10,720
an absolute delight to be with.

389
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:12,640
Evening, chaps.

390
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:17,600
We have a new Mr. Rimmer, sir,

391
00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:20,280
he's Quantum skipped into our universe.

392
00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:22,880
That's a shame,
I rather liked the old Rimmer.

393
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:25,920
Is there something wrong with you?
You don't like me.

394
00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:28,120
Of course, I like you,
we're space chums.

395
00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:31,320
Are you different from my Lister?

396
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:35,240
A guy who cleans his teeth
and pees in the toilet simultaneously

397
00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:37,680
even though the basin and the toilet
are in different rooms?

398
00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:41,080
That's disgusting, I'd never do that.

399
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:43,400
Oh by the way, Kryten, later on,
I need your help.

400
00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:46,560
I want to re-label my collection
of vintage wires.

401
00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:50,160
(EXCITEDLY) You've got a collection
of vintage wires?

402
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:55,440
Actually, I'm quite excited because
I've just added a digital coaxial audio

403
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:58,760
and a 25-pin parallel port printer

404
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:01,680
to my not inconsiderable collection.

405
00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:05,400
I'm really loving what I see here.

406
00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:06,840
Mr. Rimmer, sir,

407
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:10,600
will you be joining myself,
Mr. Lister and Mr. Rat for dinner?

408
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:11,960
Of course I...

409
00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:14,600
Mr. who?

410
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:29,640
(GONG SOUNDING)

411
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:31,640
Yo, Krytie!

412
00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:33,280
Where's my dinner at?

413
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:37,000
What on earth is that?

414
00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:38,560
Where's Cat?

415
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:40,960
Who's Cat?

416
00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:45,560
You...

417
00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:49,080
You got put into stasis

418
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:51,240
because, you smuggled your pet cat
on board.

419
00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:53,960
No, I got put into stasis

420
00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:56,800
'cause I smuggled my pet rat on board

421
00:20:57,680 --> 00:20:59,400
and then they all evolved
into these chaps.

422
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:00,600
Yeah!

423
00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:03,920
But then, they left
to find the promised land

424
00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:06,000
and had some
insane religious war, right?

425
00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:09,560
No, they stayed here actually.
Bivouacked down on G deck.

426
00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:11,520
Yeah! And A deck.

427
00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:13,320
And B Deck.

428
00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:14,520
And C Deck.

429
00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:17,520
Yeah. In fact, any damn deck we want.

430
00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:21,320
Sometimes, they even sleep with me.

431
00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:22,600
RAT: Mmmm!

432
00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:26,880
Yeah.

433
00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:30,240
He's so warm and snuggly!

434
00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:36,840
Would you like some cheese sauce
on your cheese, sir?

435
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:38,560
Hell, yeah!

436
00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:43,240
Well, thanks for the invite,
but I think I'll skip dinner.

437
00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:44,320
(CLEARS THROAT)

438
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:53,240
This has got to be better
than Rat World,

439
00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:54,440
(BUZZES)

440
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:56,560
(MUSIC PLAYING)

441
00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:01,320
ALL LISTERS: Hey Rimmer!

442
00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:05,800
Uh, no.

443
00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:10,320
Where am I?

444
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:12,280
What reality is this?

445
00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:16,120
Kryten, why can't I move?

446
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:17,640
Kryten!

447
00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:18,760
(CLEANS SQUEAKILY)

448
00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:19,960
Morning, sir.

449
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:24,960
(BEEPS)

450
00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:26,920
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

451
00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:33,040
(CHANTING) Om!

452
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:39,160
No.

453
00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:42,960
(GROWLING)
No.

454
00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:45,840
(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)
RIMMER: No.

455
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:47,520
(ROARING)
RIMMER: No.

456
00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:48,680
(SCREECHING)
RIMMER: No.

457
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:55,320
I'm human here.
At least, that's something.

458
00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:57,360
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

459
00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:00,560
Sir. Officer Rimmer, sir.

460
00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:02,440
I'm an Officer?

461
00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:04,200
I'm an Officer?

462
00:23:06,360 --> 00:23:07,520
(BEEPS) Here I am.

463
00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:10,360
"Rimmer. Navigation officer." Yes!

464
00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:12,480
"Married." Yes!

465
00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:15,160
"Children four." Are they boys?

466
00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:16,680
Yes!

467
00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:18,600
I've got everything I ever wanted here.

468
00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:21,080
Uh, sorry sir, I forgot to mention,

469
00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:23,000
the Captain wants to see you
in his office.

470
00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:24,440
I'm passing by your quarters,

471
00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:26,720
so, I'll let Mrs. Rimmer know
you'll be a couple of minutes late.

472
00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:29,560
- Thank you, Parkinson.
- My pleasure, sir.

473
00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:36,080
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

474
00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:47,000
Rimmer, sir. You wanted to see me.

475
00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:55,400
I run a fairly tight ship here Rimmer.

476
00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:58,360
It's one of the reasons
I'm so universally respected.

477
00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:00,440
Fancy a cold one?

478
00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:06,240
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

479
00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:09,120
Okay, a shot it is. What's your poison?

480
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:11,000
Lister, it's lunch time.

481
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:12,480
I mean, sir,

482
00:24:12,840 --> 00:24:14,640
it's lunch time, aren't you on duty?

483
00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:15,920
I'm always on duty, Rimmer.

484
00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:18,120
When you're the Captain,
there's no down time.

485
00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:20,440
- Cigar?
- No, thank you...

486
00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:21,880
..Sir.

487
00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:22,960
Burger?

488
00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:26,200
Nothing, sir.

489
00:24:26,360 --> 00:24:27,360
I tell ya,

490
00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:29,800
having one of these stasis booths
installed in my office

491
00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:33,000
so day and night I've got
a constant supply of hot tasty snacks

492
00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:35,920
frozen in time
was the best decision I ever made.

493
00:24:36,760 --> 00:24:38,120
Perhaps, I should explain, sir.

494
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:39,640
I'm not your Rimmer.

495
00:24:40,240 --> 00:24:42,320
I quantum skipped from another universe.

496
00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:43,840
Is that slang for getting slaughtered?

497
00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:47,320
Are you familiar with the multiverse?

498
00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:48,840
That strip club on Venus?

499
00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:51,760
Okay, I went there once,
is that a crime?

500
00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:53,840
All right, maybe twice.

501
00:24:55,280 --> 00:24:57,120
Okay, I'm a lifetime member

502
00:24:57,200 --> 00:24:59,880
but what happens on Venus,
stays on Venus.

503
00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:04,480
My God,
how did you ever get to be Captain?

504
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:06,600
I spotted a faulty drive plate,

505
00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:09,560
without me, this whole damn crew
would have been wiped out.

506
00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:12,560
After that, it was up, up the ziggurat.
Lickety split.

507
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:15,000
Come on.

508
00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:16,520
I'll show you to your quarters.

509
00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:24,680
Here we go Rimmer.

510
00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:26,360
The old bunk room.

511
00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:28,120
Hasn't been used in years.

512
00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:34,960
We're really home. And I'm alive,
not a hologram,

513
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:36,560
but an officer and a gentleman.

514
00:25:38,120 --> 00:25:39,840
Looking forward
to getting home meself, actually.

515
00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:42,320
- Seeing Krissie.
- Kochanski?

516
00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:43,880
No, it's short for Crystal.

517
00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:45,720
Met her at the Multi-verse.

518
00:25:47,360 --> 00:25:48,600
She used to dance on table nine.

519
00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:53,240
So, you're happily married
to a stripper, big deal.

520
00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:56,520
And you're the Captain of a beaten up,
old mining ship,

521
00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:59,320
doing jags up and down the Milky Way
every six months.

522
00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:00,920
Why should I be jealous?

523
00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:02,840
'cause, when I fixed the drive plate,

524
00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:05,560
they offered me some cash
to keep me schtum...

525
00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:06,880
So you got a pay off?

526
00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:09,240
No, I refused the settlement

527
00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:11,640
and opted for shares. They said yes.

528
00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:15,880
They had no idea we're gonna stumble
across a planet rich in Helium-7.

529
00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:18,440
Made a fortune.

530
00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:21,080
I can't live here.

531
00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:24,400
- On Earth?
- In this Universe.

532
00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:28,440
I can't live in a reality
where you're more successful than me.

533
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:32,120
But you're home, on Earth. You're alive.

534
00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:33,920
You've got everything you ever wanted.

535
00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:36,040
It's not worth it.

536
00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:38,080
The pain of it would be...

537
00:26:39,680 --> 00:26:40,680
...too much.

538
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:42,200
(BEEPS)

539
00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:45,960
Oh, come on. One more hand I want to win
match sticks back.

540
00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:49,760
Oh, sir, you're back. (CHUCKLES)

541
00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:52,640
Did you find a universe
where you felt less of a loser?

542
00:26:57,400 --> 00:26:58,400
Deal him in.

543
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:02,000
Infinite clearly wasn't enough.

544
00:27:06,924 --> 00:27:10,324
# It's cold outside
There's no kind of atmosphere

545
00:27:10,484 --> 00:27:13,804
# I'm all alone, more or less

546
00:27:13,884 --> 00:27:17,164
# Let me fly far away from here

547
00:27:17,244 --> 00:27:19,964
# Fun, fun, fun

548
00:27:20,084 --> 00:27:23,644
# In the sun, sun, sun

549
00:27:23,724 --> 00:27:27,164
# I want to lie shipwrecked
and comatose

550
00:27:27,244 --> 00:27:30,404
# Drinking fresh mango juice

551
00:27:30,484 --> 00:27:33,804
# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

552
00:27:33,884 --> 00:27:36,604
# Fun, fun, fun

553
00:27:36,684 --> 00:27:40,124
# In the sun, sun, sun

554
00:27:40,444 --> 00:27:43,124
# Fun, fun, fun

555
00:27:43,204 --> 00:27:47,324
# In the sun, sun, sun #