1 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:09,153 (DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC) 2 00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:10,840 Three million years from Earth, the mining ship Red Dwarf. 3 00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:14,276 Its crew: Dave Lister, the last human being alive; 4 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:17,352 Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of his dead bunkmate, 5 00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:20,671 and a creature who evolved from the ship's cat. Message ends. 6 00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:27,513 Additional. As the days go by, we face the increasing inevitability 7 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:30,718 that we are alone in a godless, uninhabited, 8 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:32,950 hostile and meaningless universe. 9 00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:35,793 Still, you've got to laugh, haven't you? 10 00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:56,872 (AUSTRALIAN WOMAN) Sit down, Brook. There's something I must tell you. 11 00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:59,236 (AUSTRALIAN MAN) What is it, Kelly? 12 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:04,110 I wasn't with Simone that evening, Brook. I spent the night with Gary. 13 00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:07,955 You're ex-husband, Gary, my business rival? What are you telling me, Kelly?! 14 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:10,714 I'm saying, Brook Jr... 15 00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:13,110 What about Brook Jr.? 16 00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:15,589 He isn't your android. 17 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:20,074 # Androids 18 00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:23,869 # Everybody needs good androids 19 00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:32,194 # Androids have feelings, too # 20 00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:49,460 (ESPERANTO TEACHER) Mi esperas ke kiam vi venos la vetero estos milda. 21 00:02:49,640 --> 00:02:53,474 Wait a minute! I know this one. Don't tell me, don't tell me, Don't tell me... 22 00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:56,791 "I hope when you come the weather will be clement." 23 00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:59,838 I hope when you come the weather will be clement. 24 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:04,196 Lister, don't tell me! I could have got that! 25 00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:07,900 Bonvolu direkti min al kvinstela hotelo? 26 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:09,991 Ah! I remember this from last time. 27 00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:13,038 "Please could you direct me to a five-star hotel." 28 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:17,353 Wrong, actually. Totally, utterly and completely wrong. 29 00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:21,115 Please direct me to a five-star hotel. 30 00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:23,677 Lister, will you please shut up? 31 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:26,229 - I'm only helping ya. - I don't need any help. 32 00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:32,296 La manĝo estis bonega! Plej korajn gratuloju al la kuiristo? 33 00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:35,392 "I would like to purchase that orange inflatable beach ball 34 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:37,551 "and that small bucket and spade." 35 00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:39,836 The meal was splendid. 36 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:42,639 My heartiest congratulations to the chef. 37 00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:44,472 What? Pause. 38 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:46,870 Rimmer, you've been doing Esperanto for eight years. 39 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,315 How come you're so utterly useless? 40 00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:53,394 Oh, speaks, and how many books have you read in your entire life? 41 00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:56,518 The same number as Champion the Wonder Horse - zero! 42 00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:58,236 I've read books. 43 00:03:58,260 --> 00:04:02,320 Er, Lister, we're not talking about books where the main character is a dog called Ben. 44 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:05,336 - I went to art college! - You? 45 00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:07,713 - Yeah. - How did YOU get into art college? 46 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:12,273 The normal way you get into art college, the same old usual, boring, normal way you get in. 47 00:04:12,297 --> 00:04:17,959 - Failed me exams and applied. They snapped me up. - Ah, but you didn't get a degree... did you? 48 00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:20,714 - No. I dropped out. I wasn't there long. - How long? 49 00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:24,634 Ninety-seven minutes. I thought it was going to be a good skive and all that, y'know? 50 00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:28,429 I took one look at the timetable and just checked out, man. 51 00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:32,912 I mean, it was ridiculous. They had lectures, like, first thing in the afternoon! 52 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:35,355 We're talking half past twelve every day! 53 00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:38,831 Who's together by then? You can still taste the toothpaste. 54 00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:41,639 Well, unlike you, Lister, I have ambitions! 55 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:45,031 I'm not prepared to sit around all day polishing my spacebike, 56 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:49,239 so I can go joy-riding, through some asteroid belt, because I'm not a gimp! 57 00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:53,712 And one of my ambitions is to learn another language so kindly let me get on with it. Play. 58 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:57,816 La menuo aspektas bonege. Mi provas la kokidaĵon. 59 00:04:57,840 --> 00:04:59,831 Ah, now this is one I do know... 60 00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:03,356 "The menu looks interesting. I think I'll try the chicken." 61 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:07,951 Holly, as the Esperantinos would say... 62 00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:14,256 Bonvolu alsendi la pordiston, lausajne estas rano en meo bideo 63 00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:16,954 And I think we all know what that means. 64 00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:21,591 Yeah, it means, "Could you send for the hall porter. There's appears to be a frog in my bidet." 65 00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:24,957 Is it, well what's that one about "Your father was a baboon's rump, 66 00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:28,829 "and your mother spent most of her life up against walls with sailors."? 67 00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:32,515 - I'm not telling you. - It's because you're bored, isn't it? 68 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:36,514 - That's why you're both annoying me. - I'm not bored, I've had a really busy morning 69 00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:39,353 I've devised a system to totally revolutionise music. 70 00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:42,319 - Get outta town! - Yeah, I've decimalised it. 71 00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:45,279 Instead of the octave, it's the decative. 72 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:48,273 and I've invented two new notes, H and J. 73 00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:50,954 Hang on a minute. You can't just invent new notes. 74 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:52,838 Well, I have. 75 00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:58,040 Now it goes... # Doh, ray, me, fah, soh, lah, woh, boh, tee, doh 76 00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:03,399 # Doh, tee, boh, woh, lah, soh, fah, me, ray, doh # 77 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:08,429 - What are you drivelling about? - "Hol Rock." It'll be whole new sound. 78 00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:13,833 All the instruments will be extra big to incorporate my two new notes. Triangles will have four sides. 79 00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:17,914 Piano keyboards the length of zebra crossings. 80 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:21,516 Of course, women will have to be banned from playing the cello. 81 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:26,629 - Holly... shut up! - Oh, I forgot. I haven't told you the news. 82 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,758 - What news? - A signal. We're getting a signal. 83 00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:31,831 It's probably nothing, but I just thought I'd mention it. 84 00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:35,678 - Aliens. - Oh, God. "Aliens"! 85 00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:38,752 Your explanation for anything slightly peculiar is aliens, isn't it? 86 00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:41,070 You lose your keys - it's aliens. 87 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:43,549 A picture falls off the wall - it's aliens. 88 00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:47,873 That time we used up a whole bog roll in a day, you thought that was aliens as well. 89 00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:51,316 We didn't use it all, Lister. Who did? 90 00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:54,631 Rimmer, aliens used our bog roll?! 91 00:06:56,160 --> 00:07:01,234 Just cause they're aliens doesn't mean they don't have to visit the little boys' room. 92 00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:03,755 Although they probably do something weird and alienesque, 93 00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:06,912 like it comes out of the top of their heads or something. 94 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:11,676 Well, I wouldn't like to be stuck behind one in a cinema! 95 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,150 Here, mousey, mousey! 96 00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:16,231 I got some cheese! 97 00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:18,596 I only wanna be your friend! 98 00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:22,511 - Yo, Cat! - Huh? 99 00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:25,240 We're getting a signal. Come on. 100 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:27,118 Aliens! 101 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:35,275 It's a distress call from a ship called the Nova 5. They've crash landed. 102 00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:38,318 - I'm trying to establish contact. - Another ship? Brilliant! 103 00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:40,994 - It's not aliens, then? - No, they're from Earth. 104 00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:45,153 I hope they've got some spare odd and sods on board. We're a bit short on a few supplies. 105 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:47,516 - Like what? - Cow's milk. 106 00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:51,355 Ran out of that yonks ago. Fresh and dehydrated. 107 00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:56,116 - What kind of milk are we using now? - Emergency backup supply. We're on the dog's milk. 108 00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:03,274 - Dog's milk?! - Nothing wrong with dog's milk. 109 00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:07,194 Full of goodness, full of vitamins... full of marrowbone jelly. 110 00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:11,149 Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk. 111 00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:14,039 - Why? - No bugger'd drink it. 112 00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:23,079 Plus of course, the advantage of dog's milk is when it goes off, it tastes exactly the same as when it's fresh. 113 00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:27,960 Why didn't you tell me, Holly? 114 00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:30,190 What? And spoil your tea? 115 00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:33,910 - Hang about. We've got contact. - Punch it up. 116 00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:36,796 Thank goodness! My name's Kryten. 117 00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:40,555 I'm the service mechanoid about the Nova 5. We've had a terrible accident. 118 00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:42,836 The male officers died on impact. 119 00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:46,197 The female officers are injured, but stable. Please help us. 120 00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:48,999 Is that female as in soft and squidgy? 121 00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:51,951 - How many? - Three. 122 00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:56,716 Miss Jane, Miss Tracy and Miss Anne. I'm transmitting medical details. 123 00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:05,752 Tell them we're coming aboard! By God, we'll rescue these fair blooms, 124 00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:09,674 or my name's not Captain AJ Rimmer, Space Adventurer! 125 00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:12,798 - Thank you, Captain. - "Space Adventurer"?! 126 00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:18,080 What am I supposed to say? "Fear not, I'm the bloke who used to clean the gunk out of the chicken soup machine!" 127 00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:20,834 "Actually, we know sod all about space travel, 128 00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:24,470 "but if you've got a blocked nozzle, we're your lads!" 129 00:09:24,560 --> 00:09:27,552 - That'll fill them with confidence, won't it? - How far are we away, Hol? 130 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:30,758 - About 24 hours. - What? Only 24 hours? 131 00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:32,956 I'd better start gettin' ready! 132 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:37,511 # Twenty four hours... # Aow! First in the shower room! Ha-ha-ha! 133 00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:41,917 Hey, I'm so excited, all six of my nipples are tinglin'! 134 00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:46,875 What's wrong with him? We're on a mission of mercy! 135 00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:51,636 We're taking them urgently needed medical supplies. We're not on the pull. 136 00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,078 Yo! 137 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:10,673 No, we're not on the pull, are we, Lister? Look at you. Absolutely pathetic! 138 00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:13,752 You're really trying aren't you? You're wearing all your least smeggy things. 139 00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:16,195 I don't know what you're talking about. 140 00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:19,591 That T-shirt, Lister, with only two curry stains on the front, 141 00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:22,035 you only wear that on special occasions. 142 00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:25,431 You're toffed up to the nines, laddie! 143 00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:29,229 What about you? You look like Clive of India, 144 00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:32,711 or the one whose mum uses new biological Biz! 145 00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:35,394 Oh, it's started! I knew it would! 146 00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:37,471 - What has? - The put-downs. 147 00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:41,758 It's always the same when we meet girls. Put me down, and make yourself look good. 148 00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:44,116 - Like when? - Remember those little brunettes from Supplies? 149 00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:48,831 And I told them I worked in Stores, and they were really interested and asked me exactly what I did there 150 00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:51,992 - And I said you were a shelf. - Exactly. 151 00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:54,720 And then I suggested a little trip to Titan Zoo, 152 00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:58,953 and you said, "Ooh, he's taking you home to meet his mum already!" 153 00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:02,112 - So? They laughed. - Yes, at me. At my expense. 154 00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:04,207 Just don't put me down when we meet them. 155 00:12:04,231 --> 00:12:07,400 OK. What do you want me to say? How do you want me to act? 156 00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:10,941 I don't know, just act with respect. For a start, don't call me Rimmer. 157 00:12:10,965 --> 00:12:12,111 Why not? 158 00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:17,115 You always put the emphasis on "Rim" in Rimmer. Makes me sound like a lavatory disinfectant. 159 00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:19,794 Well what do you want me to call you, 'Rimere'? 160 00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:23,589 I don't know, erm, "Arnie", "Arn". 161 00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:28,311 Something with a bit more... I don't know... How about "Big Man"? 162 00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:32,551 "Big Man"? 163 00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:35,473 - Or how about the nickname I had at school? - What, "Bonehead"? 164 00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:40,869 - How did you know my nickname was Bonehead? - I was only guessing. 165 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,634 - I didn't mean that. I meant the other one. - What other one? 166 00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:46,114 "Ace". 167 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:51,832 Get outta town! Your nickname was never "Ace". Maybe "Acehole". 168 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:56,432 It WAS my nickname at school, actually. 169 00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:59,797 It's just no one ever called me it despite the many times I let them beat me up. 170 00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:02,110 What are you trying to say to me, Rimmer? 171 00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:06,319 - I'm trying to say build me up, don't put me down. - Like? 172 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:10,553 Like... if the opportunity occurs, and it crops up naturally in conversation, 173 00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:13,758 you could perhaps mention that I'm very brave. 174 00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:16,070 - Do what?! - Don't go ape. 175 00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:19,437 Just sort of mention, perhaps, that... I died, 176 00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:22,956 and that I was pretty incredibly brave about it. 177 00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:27,113 I mean, you know, perhaps you could mention, hint, that I've had tons of girlfriends? 178 00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:33,717 Alright, forget it! It was just an idea. Ah, you're not wearing those boots are you? 179 00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:37,111 - What's wrong with them? - Oh, they just don't go, not with that lot. 180 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:40,511 I know, you should wear your Day-Glo orange moon boots. 181 00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:43,592 - You said they were disgusting. - Ooh no, very chic. 182 00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:48,638 You said they smelled like an orang-utan's posing pouch. 183 00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:54,159 They set off one of those dangerous chemical alarms. You made me put them in the airlock. 184 00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:57,039 No, that was a mistake they really look terrific on you. I'd wear them. 185 00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,350 - Honest? - Definitely. 186 00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:10,629 Come along, everybody! 187 00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:13,910 They're here. They're in orbit! 188 00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:18,755 (GASPS) Miss Jane! 189 00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:23,111 What about your hair? 190 00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:25,350 What a mess you look. 191 00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:28,511 Now, smart but casual. 192 00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:40,556 Miss Anne, why, you haven't touched your soup. 193 00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:44,156 No wonder you're beginning to look so pasty. 194 00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:46,231 Oh, no! 195 00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:48,914 Do eat nicely, Miss Anne! 196 00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:53,949 What on earth will the visitors think if they see you eating like that, hmm? 197 00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:57,432 Now, Miss Tracey... 198 00:14:58,160 --> 00:15:01,869 No... You look absolutely perfect. 199 00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:12,750 - What's that smell? - I can't smell anything. 200 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:15,036 Are you ok? Your eyes are watering. 201 00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:19,114 It's the excitement. Look, we can't wait for Cat. Let's just go. 202 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:22,318 Come on. He's been preparing for a day and a night. Don't you want to see the result? 203 00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:29,155 Aow! Wait for me! 204 00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:39,949 Hi, monkeys! Meet the plastic surgeon's nightmare! 205 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:44,591 - A spacesuit with cufflinks?! - Where did you get the helmet? 206 00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:47,593 I made it myself. I didn't want to mess up my hair. Hee-hee. 207 00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:54,753 Hey, listen, we just gonna make sure we don't pass any mirrors, 'cause if we do, I'm there for the day! 208 00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:57,275 (SNIFFS) Phew! What's that smell? 209 00:15:57,360 --> 00:15:59,954 All right? Everybody ready? Let's go, then. 210 00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:04,193 - What are you doing, Holly? - What? What's wrong? 211 00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:08,069 - The rug, man! Why are you wearing a toupee? - What toupee? 212 00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:10,954 - The one on your head. - Whose head's that then? 213 00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:15,113 - Your head. It makes you look like a game show host. - What's wrong with everyone? 214 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:19,159 Three million years without a woman and you act as if you're all 14 years old. 215 00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:22,437 - Oh, yeah? What about you and the socks? - What socks? 216 00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:25,751 - Come on, we can't hang about... - You're wearing two pairs of socks. 217 00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:28,275 - What for? - One pair to put on his feet, 218 00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:30,476 and the other pair to roll up and put down his trousers. 219 00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:53,195 Come in, come in. How lovely to meet you. 220 00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:57,396 Ĉarmita! And what a delightful craft you have. 221 00:16:57,480 --> 00:17:01,189 - Reminds me of my first command. - This way, please. 222 00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:04,633 (WHISPERS) Ace, Ace. 223 00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:16,475 - Hey, you're a work of art, baby! - (LISTER) Psst! 224 00:17:17,840 --> 00:17:20,480 You're gonna have to help me, man! 225 00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:24,753 Thank you! 226 00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:27,630 I'm so excited! We all are. 227 00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:31,156 The girls could hardly stop themselves from jumping up and down! 228 00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:32,799 Ah! Ĉarmita, ĉarmita! 229 00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:35,633 Ah! Vi parolas esperanton, Kapitano Rimmer? 230 00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:39,395 - Come again? - "You speak Esperanto, Captain Rimmer"? 231 00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:42,438 Oh! Si, si, si! Jawohl! Oui! 232 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:48,510 Well, here they are. 233 00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:51,231 Ĉarmita! 234 00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:03,031 Well... It's a bit difficult to know what to say... 235 00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:05,111 Isn't it, Ace? 236 00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:08,795 Well, isn't anybody going to say hello? 237 00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:12,911 I think the blonde one's giving you the eye. 238 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:16,231 Well, I'll leave you to get acquainted. 239 00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:19,631 I'll just go and fix some tea. 240 00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:23,356 - Hi, baby! - I don't believe this. 241 00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:25,431 Be strong, Big Man. 242 00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:28,990 Our first contact with intelligent life in three million and two years, 243 00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:31,230 and it's the android version of Norman Bates. 244 00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:34,950 Come on, guys! So, they're a little on the skinny side? 245 00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:39,193 Listen, girls. I don't know whether this is the time or place to say this 246 00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:41,920 but my mate Ace here, is incredibly, credibly brave. 247 00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:47,871 Smeg off, dogfood face. 248 00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:53,911 - And he's got just tons and tons of girlfriends! - I'm warning you, Lister. 249 00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:05,431 Is anything the matter? 250 00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:09,513 Anything the matter? They're dead! 251 00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:11,955 Really, who's dead? 252 00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:14,793 THEY are dead! They're all dead! 253 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:18,113 My God! 254 00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:22,078 I was only away two minutes! 255 00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:28,080 They've been dead for centuries! 256 00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:30,399 - No... - Yes! 257 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:32,911 Are you a doctor? 258 00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:39,630 You've only got to look at them! They've got less meat on them than a Chicken McNugget! 259 00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:47,358 What am I going to do? I'm- I'm- I'm programmed to serve them. 260 00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:53,072 - I think the first thing we should do is bury them. - You're that sure they're dead? 261 00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:56,551 - Yes! - What about this one? 262 00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:58,950 Er, there's a simple test. 263 00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:03,477 All right, girls, hands up those of you who are alive. 264 00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:12,080 Well, what am I going to do? 265 00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:21,796 I can't leave them! Mr David, please, please, take me back! 266 00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:24,440 Oh, Kryten, you've got to start a new life now. 267 00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:27,956 I haven't got the software to cope with this. 268 00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:31,635 I was created to serve. I serve, therefore I am. 269 00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:34,951 It's my purpose to serve and have no regard for myself. 270 00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:39,113 - You're beginning to sound like my mum. - It's all I know. 271 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:42,318 You've got to change, haven't ya? You've gotta work out what you want. 272 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,391 Stop being everyone's smeggin' doormat. 273 00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:47,552 That's easy for you to say, Mr David. You're a human. 274 00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:49,631 Only just. 275 00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:57,357 Ah, Kryten! Nothing to do, eh? Follow me. 276 00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:48,836 What the smeggin' hell is going on? 277 00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:51,992 - Good afternoon, Mr David, sir. - What are these? 278 00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:57,678 - Your boxer shorts, Mr David, sir. - No way are these my boxer shorts. These bend! 279 00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:03,999 - What have you done to the place? - I've done a spot of tidying up. 280 00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:09,837 But, where is everything? Where's me coffee cup with the mould in it? 281 00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:13,675 - I threw it away, sir. - But, I was breeding that mould! 282 00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:18,834 His name was Albert! I was trying to get him two foot high! 283 00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:22,311 - Why, sir? - Because it drives Rimmer nuts. 284 00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:25,392 And driving Rimmer nuts is what keeps me going. 285 00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:28,916 - I'm sorry, Mr David, sir. - Look at you. 286 00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:32,880 - What are you doing? Why are you doing all this? - Serving makes me happy, sir. 287 00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:36,032 But what about you? Don't you ever want to do anything just for yourself? 288 00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:41,991 Myself? Hu-huh. That's a bit of a barmy notion, if you don't mind my saying so, sir! 289 00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:44,913 Come on. There must be something you look forward to. 290 00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:49,957 Androids. 291 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:52,358 # Androids 292 00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:55,598 # Everybody needs good androids... # 293 00:22:57,840 --> 00:23:03,233 - That stupid soap opera? Why? - Because, for half an hour a week. I can forget I'm me. 294 00:23:03,320 --> 00:23:06,119 Androids. What else? 295 00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:09,591 - Being asleep. - Androids and being asleep? 296 00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:14,993 Sounds like a crazy, fun-packed life you lead there, Kryten, me old son! 297 00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:17,913 I have strange thoughts when I'm asleep. 298 00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:22,915 - Yeah, they're called dreams. - My favourite is that, I'm in a garden. 299 00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:27,874 I've never even seen a garden, except in books. 300 00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:31,635 And I've planted everything and made it grow. 301 00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:35,600 It's my garden, and there's no one there but me, 302 00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:38,513 just me and all the things I made live. 303 00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:41,398 Silly... 304 00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:45,314 No, it isn't. Find a planet with an atmosphere and do it. 305 00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:48,753 I can't. I'm programmed to serve. 306 00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:51,958 But there's no one to serve now, Kryten. That's the point. 307 00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:56,750 What about Mr Arnold? I've got to complete Mr Arnold's tasks. 308 00:23:56,840 --> 00:24:01,232 You what?! Rimmer gave you all this? 309 00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:04,039 Well, Mr Arnold is my master now. 310 00:24:04,120 --> 00:24:07,351 "Mr Arnold" isn't his name. His name's "Rimmer"... 311 00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:09,431 or "Smeghead"... 312 00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:12,717 or "Dinosaur Breath", or "Molecule Mind". 313 00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:16,716 And on a very rare occasion, when you wanna be, like really mega-polite to him, Kryten. 314 00:24:16,740 --> 00:24:19,399 We're talking mega-polite. In those exceptional circumstances... 315 00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:22,199 you can call him "Arsehole". 316 00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:45,117 (CAT) Yeah, yeah, yeah! 317 00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:55,230 I think it'll be best on that wall, sort of dominating the room. 318 00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:58,438 - Yes, Mr Arnold, sir. - "Yes Mr Arnold, sir!" 319 00:24:58,520 --> 00:25:01,717 - You're a total gwenlan, do you know that, Kryten? - Oh, yes, Mr David, sir. 320 00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:05,077 - "Yes Mr David, sir!" - Leave it alone, Lister. 321 00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:09,233 - It enjoys doing the tasks I give it. It makes it happy. - Drop dead, Rimmer. 322 00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:11,436 - Already have done. - Encore. 323 00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:16,799 You'd never get a cat to be a servant. You ever see a cat return a stick? 324 00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:22,080 "Hey, man, you threw the stick, you go get it yourself. I'm busy! 325 00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:26,358 "If you wanted the stick so bad, why'd you throw it away in the first place?" 326 00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:29,239 Kryten, you got never got a thing from those movies I showed you, did ya? 327 00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:33,553 - Er, what movies? - Mr David was kind enough to take me to see 'The Wild Ones', 328 00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:36,678 'Easy Rider' and 'Rebel Without A Cause'. 329 00:25:36,760 --> 00:25:40,276 I thought it might do him some good. Fat chance. 330 00:25:40,360 --> 00:25:42,351 In the middle of Marlon Brando's rebel speech, 331 00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:46,354 he gets out a brush-a-matic and starts doing my lapels! 332 00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:50,877 Well, now maybe you'll learn, Lister. There's a natural order to things in life. 333 00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:52,951 Some give orders, others obey. 334 00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:57,398 That's the way it's always been, that's the way it's always going to be. Isn't that true, Kryten? 335 00:25:57,480 --> 00:26:01,075 - Oh, yes, Mr Arnold, sir. - Oh, "Yes, Mr Arnold", what's the point? 336 00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:06,394 - Well, I've finished, Mr Arnold, sir. - Excellent, Kryten! 337 00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:16,153 I think it's rather good, Mr Arnold. Don't you, sir? 338 00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:22,430 - WHAT are you doing?! - I, erm... I think I'm, er... 339 00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:24,591 I'm rebelling. 340 00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:28,393 - Rebelling? - I- I-, er... sort of... 341 00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:31,871 I think that's what I'm doing. 342 00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:34,511 You... are rebelling? 343 00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:36,199 Yes. 344 00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:39,077 What are you rebelling against? 345 00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:46,356 (AS MARLON BRANDO) Whaddya got, hmm? 346 00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:53,191 Dinosaur breath! 347 00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:56,916 Molecule mind! 348 00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:05,716 Smeg-for-brains! 349 00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:10,596 - I need your bike! - You got it! 350 00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:13,991 Swivel on it, punk! 351 00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:27,998 # It's cold outside 352 00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:29,878 # There's no kind of atmosphere 353 00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:33,316 # I'm all alone, more or less 354 00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:36,518 # Let me fly far away from here 355 00:27:36,600 --> 00:27:39,353 # Fun, fun, fun 356 00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:42,956 # In the sun, sun, sun 357 00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:46,396 # I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose 358 00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:49,757 # Drinking fresh mango juice 359 00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:53,117 # Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes 360 00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:55,874 # Fun, fun, fun 361 00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:59,635 # In the sun, sun, sun 362 00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:02,394 # Fun, fun, fun 363 00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:06,553 # In the sun, sun, sun #