1 00:00:05,520 --> 00:00:08,911 (DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC) 2 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:10,680 Three million years from Earth, the mining ship Red Dwarf. 3 00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:14,116 Its crew: Dave Lister, the last human being alive; 4 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:17,192 Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of his dead bunkmate, 5 00:01:17,280 --> 00:01:20,511 and a creature who evolved from the ship's cat. Message ends. 6 00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:29,509 Additional: supplies are plentiful. We have enough food and drink to last 30,000 years, 7 00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:33,309 although we have run out of Shake 'n' Vac. 8 00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:37,551 Additional additional: 9 00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:42,350 Last week, we found a planet with a breathable atmosphere. 10 00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:44,431 (HEAVY ROCK MUSIC) 11 00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:08,720 We're grooving tonight. Ahead, groove factor five. Yeah! 12 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:16,916 Hang on, everybody. Hang on! 13 00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:19,833 (MUSIC STOPS) 14 00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:22,389 - The sausages are done. - (ALL CHEER) 15 00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:26,633 It's the business, innit? It's nice to get out once in a while, stretch your cables. 16 00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:30,395 (SLURRING) I can't understand it I've had so much to drink 17 00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:32,551 and it hasn't even afflicted me. I'm not in the least bit... 18 00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:36,031 - Oh, yeah, why are you dancing, then? - Ha! You call that dancing? 19 00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:38,999 I've seen people on fire move better than that! 20 00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:43,677 - We'd better be going. The moons'll be setting in a bit. - OK, then, a toast. 21 00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:47,594 Gentlemen, and skutters, we are gathered here today 22 00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:50,832 to celebrate the anniversary of Mr Arnold Rimmer's death. 23 00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:53,196 (BURPS) Right on, baby! 24 00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:58,593 And for this very special occasion, I have baked a cake. 25 00:02:58,680 --> 00:02:59,816 What's that, then? 26 00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:02,996 It's in the shape of a spanner, Holly, because he was a technician. 27 00:03:03,020 --> 00:03:04,160 Oh, that's very apt that is. 28 00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:07,224 If he'd have been a postman, you'd have baked it in the shape of an envelope, I suppose? 29 00:03:07,248 --> 00:03:08,234 Yeah! 30 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:11,199 Gordon Bennet! It's lucky he's not a gynaecologist. 31 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:14,398 - To Rimmer! - To me! 32 00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:19,236 # Happy deathday to you. # Happy deathday to me. 33 00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:23,314 Happy deathday to you 34 00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:28,600 # Happy deathday, dear Rimmer 35 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:34,232 # Happy deathday to you # 36 00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:50,518 (BANGING AND SCRAPING) 37 00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:57,960 # Show me the way to go home 38 00:03:58,040 --> 00:04:03,479 # I'm tired and I want to go to bed... # 39 00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:08,950 (RIMMER) Are you sure you're all right to drive? (LISTER) Yeah. 40 00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:16,517 # I had a little drink about an hour ago 41 00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:22,471 # To celebrate Rimmer's death # 42 00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:30,231 What time is it? 43 00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:41,752 - Saturday. - Is that the best you can do? 44 00:04:41,840 --> 00:04:45,993 There are some numbers next to it, but they could be anything. 45 00:04:46,080 --> 00:04:48,515 Do you know what I fancy right now? 46 00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:52,912 A big fat woman with thighs the size of a hippo's. 47 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:59,315 No, I want a triple fried egg butty with chilli sauce and chutney. 48 00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:04,271 Me, too. 49 00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:08,591 Well, no problem then. Nothing's too good for the deathday boy. 50 00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:11,911 - Correct. - Hol? Hol? 51 00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:18,914 - Hol, give us something to eat. - You what? I'm jiggered, man. 52 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:22,038 - Oh, come on. You don't sleep? - 'Course I do. 53 00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:27,479 I've got to offline. I can't keep up my full-tilt, full-power, red-hot, maximum pace all the time. 54 00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:29,710 I've got to take the odd breather, haven't I? 55 00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:35,035 - I want a triple fried egg sandwich with... - With chilli sauce and chutney. 56 00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:38,238 - You what? - It's a state of the art sarnie. 57 00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:40,994 It's the state of the floor I'm worried about. 58 00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:44,311 All right. OK. 59 00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:49,472 Trust me. 60 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:05,158 I feel like I'm having a baby! 61 00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:07,959 - It's good, innit? - It's incredible. 62 00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:11,476 - Where did you get the recipe from? - I can't remember. 63 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:14,791 I think it was a book on bacteriological warfare. 64 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:18,475 It's like a cross between food and bowel surgery. 65 00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:22,235 It's well naughty. The trouble is, you've got to eat it before the bread dissolves. 66 00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:25,756 I could never invent a sandwich like this, Lister. 67 00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:28,832 You see, all the ingredients are wrong. 68 00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:31,912 The fried eggs, wrong. The chutney, wrong. 69 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:34,514 The chilli sauce, all wrong. 70 00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:40,755 But put them together and somehow it works. It becomes right. 71 00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:45,077 It's you. This sandwich, Lister, is you. 72 00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:48,958 - What are you saying to me, Rimmer? - You're wrong, right? 73 00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:51,031 All your ingredients are wrong. 74 00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:53,999 You're slobby. You've got no sense of discipline. 75 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:59,154 You're the only man ever to get his money back from the Odour Eater people. 76 00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:01,800 But people like you. Don't you see? 77 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:05,316 That's why you're a fried egg, chilli, chutney sandwich. 78 00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:08,950 Now me... now me. All the ingredients are right. 79 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:13,511 I'm disciplined. I'm organised. I'm dedicated to my career. 80 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:15,591 I've always got a pen. 81 00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:20,399 Result? Total smeghead despised by everyone except the ship's parrot... 82 00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:23,598 and that's only because we haven't got one. 83 00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:28,231 - Why? Why is that? - I suppose it's because you are a total smeghead. 84 00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:30,755 But I'm not. I'm a nice guy. I'm a goodie. 85 00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:35,789 No, Rimmer, see the trouble is you've never got time for people. You're too busy trying to be successful. 86 00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:39,919 It's all midnight revision and "Up, up, up the ziggurat, lickety-split". 87 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:45,393 I have got time for people! What about all the time I spent licking up to Todhunter, 88 00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:47,676 even though he was a total gimp? 89 00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:54,678 And Captain Hollister? Mr Fat Bastard 2044. I went out of my way to simp around him. 90 00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:57,036 Rimmer, that's not having time for people. 91 00:07:57,120 --> 00:08:00,476 Do you know how many times in my entire life I made love? 92 00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:03,096 - No. I don't want to know. - I want to tell you. 93 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:04,776 - I don't want to know! - But I wanna tell you. 94 00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:07,476 - I don't want to know! - I'm wanna tell you! I'm gonna- I am gonna tell you 95 00:08:07,500 --> 00:08:09,556 - I wanna tell you... - Listen. Listen, Rimmer. if you tell me, right? 96 00:08:09,580 --> 00:08:13,192 You'll wake up in the morning and you'll have your hangover, and you'll feel like death, 97 00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:17,717 and you'll walk up to the mirror, and you'll look in the mirror and you'll remember and go..."Arghh!" 98 00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:22,078 See? It's not worth it. I don't want to know. Believe me. You. Don't. Want. To tell me. 99 00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:24,549 - Once. - Smeg! 100 00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:27,631 One time only. 101 00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:30,553 Don't tell me this, Rimmer, you'll want to kill yourself in the morning. 102 00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:32,631 Yvonne McGruder. 103 00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:37,078 A single brief liaison with the ship's female boxing champion. 104 00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:43,276 March the 16th. 7.31 pm to 7.43 pm. 105 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:45,456 - Please... - Twelve minutes... 106 00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:50,156 - Please?! - And that includes the time it took to eat the pizza. 107 00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:52,038 Please, Rimmer? 108 00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:56,034 In my entire life, I have spent more time being sick. 109 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:59,431 So? I mean, you haven't met the right girl yet. 110 00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:03,991 No, I haven't, Lister! I haven't met the right girl, and some just might say - 111 00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:08,278 given the fact that the human race no longer exists, 112 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:12,149 coupled with the fact that I have passed on - 113 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:16,598 some just might say that I'm leaving it a little bit on the late side. 114 00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:20,878 Well, you made a decision, didn't you? I mean, you chose your career over your personal life. 115 00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:24,351 Yes, I did! I did, didn't I? Pearls of wisdom there 116 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:28,479 from Mr Fried Egg Chilli Chutney Sandwich Face. 117 00:09:28,560 --> 00:09:32,440 well, I'll tell you something, Lister. I'll tell you something. 118 00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:37,037 I'd trade it all in - all of it. My pips, my long service medals, 119 00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:41,114 my swimming certificates, my telescope, my shoe-trees. 120 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:47,037 I'd trade everything in to be loved and to have been loved. 121 00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:52,154 # I'm a little lamb 122 00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:54,516 # Lost in the wood 123 00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:56,637 # Maybe I could 124 00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:58,757 # Really be good 125 00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:03,073 # With someone to watch over me # 126 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:08,513 That was going to be our song, 127 00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:12,480 but I never found anyone to share it with, 128 00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:15,359 so now it's just my song. 129 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:19,718 Another bit of sky. That's a star. 130 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:22,991 (RIMMER WHINES) 131 00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:52,598 (TRUMPETS 'PETER AND THE WOLF') 132 00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:20,717 Ah, my foot! I must have gone to sleep on it. 133 00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:25,590 You were putting it away last night, Lister You really fell for my joke, didn't you? 134 00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:28,320 (GROANS) God, it's agony! 135 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:31,392 That McGruder gag. Fancy falling for that, eh? 136 00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:36,758 I'll give you my telescope, anything. Please, God, don't tell anyone. 137 00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:43,231 Have you done that? 138 00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:45,311 When did you do that? 139 00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:48,074 I didn't! I just went to bad, and I've just woken up with this! 140 00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:53,511 - When did you finish the jigsaw? - I didn't. 141 00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:56,831 Oi! Who's been messing with my star charts?! 142 00:11:56,920 --> 00:12:01,676 Here I am trying to do the comprehensive - nay, definitive - A-Z of the entire Universe, 143 00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:04,796 with street names, post offices and little steeples and everything, 144 00:12:04,820 --> 00:12:07,039 and some git's been fiddling with it. 145 00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:08,793 It's not us. 146 00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:11,998 OK, which one of you chimpanzees did this?! 147 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:15,394 Look, there's a perfectly logical explanation for everything, 148 00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:18,120 with the possible exception of Little Jimmy Osmond. 149 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:22,280 - Who? - Hang on. Today's Sunday, right? 150 00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:23,347 So? 151 00:12:23,371 --> 00:12:26,354 Well, this clock says Thursday. and that clock says Thursday. 152 00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:29,637 And my foot says get the person who did this to my foot! 153 00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:34,192 Four pages have been torn out of me diary. 154 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:42,115 - Somehow, we've lost the last four days. - Did you look behind the fridge? 155 00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:45,033 If you lose something, it's nearly always there. 156 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:47,791 - Aliens! - What? 157 00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:49,951 What are you talking about, grease-stain? 158 00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:52,350 It's a well-documented phenomenon. 159 00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:57,435 They kidnap you, give you a mind probe, erase your memory and put you back. 160 00:12:57,520 --> 00:13:00,080 - OK, aliens came aboard. - Without question. 161 00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:01,804 - They broke my leg. - For some reason. 162 00:13:01,828 --> 00:13:03,471 - They broke MY leg. - Right. 163 00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:06,757 - And then they did a jigsaw. - Right. 164 00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:10,120 Well, that's cleared that up, then. 165 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:13,875 Look, you're not thinking alien. That's what aliens are - alien. 166 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:19,160 They do alien things. Things that are... alien. Maybe this is the way they communicate. 167 00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:21,231 By breaking legs?! 168 00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:25,598 - And doing jigsaws? - Why should they 'speak' the way we do? 169 00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:29,036 - They're aliens. - OK, Professor, what does it mean? 170 00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:32,238 Maybe... Maybe... OK. 171 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:38,157 Breaking your leg hurts like hell, OK? "Hell." 172 00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:41,358 They do it below the knee. "Low." 173 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:43,875 "Hell-low." Get it? 174 00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:48,557 They do it twice. Twice. Two. 175 00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:53,157 "Hell-Low-Two." And jigsaw must mean you. "Hello to you." 176 00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:59,159 I wouldn't like to be around when one of these suckers is making a speech! 177 00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:06,880 Hang on. The black box. Holly, the black box will have recorded everything, won't it? 178 00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:10,078 Yeah. Hang on. I'll fish it out. 179 00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:16,440 It's gone! It's been half-inched. Wait a minute. Let me think about this. 180 00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:20,036 It gives off a signal. We can trace it. 181 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:26,833 (CRUNCH) 182 00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:29,799 (LISTER) It's the gearbox, man. I'm telling you. 183 00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:34,270 - Nothing yet. - This is impossible. It could be anywhere. 184 00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:37,352 It's like trying to find a fart in a jacuzzi. 185 00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:41,280 Look! Down there on that moon. 186 00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:52,474 (LISTER) Are you getting a picture now? 187 00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:57,236 Yeah, but the quality's terrible. It's like watching Spanish television. 188 00:14:57,320 --> 00:15:01,200 (LISTER) Oh, my God! (CAT) What the hell is that? Holy... 189 00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:03,271 (LISTER) Smegorama! 190 00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:08,070 Er, Holly, start the engines. Warm her up. Keep her ticking over, yeah? Er, what is it? 191 00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:11,073 (LISTER) A footprint the size of a surfboard. 192 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,151 (CAT) I don't believe the size of these feet! 193 00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:17,279 Can you imagine the problems this guy must have trying to get fashionable shoes? 194 00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:21,274 (LISTER) I wonder if it's true what they say about the size of your feet, 195 00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:25,354 I mean, if it is, then this guy should probably go to a fancy dress party as a petrol pump. 196 00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:27,431 I think you should come back. 197 00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:30,512 (LISTER) There's more of them, they lead round this corner. 198 00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:33,816 So a surfboard foot-sized monster came aboard, did a jigsaw, 199 00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:38,269 drained our memories and broke a couple of legs. So what? Forgive and forget, that's what I say. 200 00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:40,954 (LISTER) This I don't believe! 201 00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:43,190 It's a gravestone. 202 00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:47,319 "To the memory of the memory of Lise Yates." 203 00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:50,597 - Who's Lise Yates? - You're not going to believe this, 204 00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:53,194 but I used to go out with a girl called Lise Yates. 205 00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:57,877 It's only shallow. The black box is buried in the grave. 206 00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:05,513 (BLEEPS) 207 00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:12,914 - Right, it's loaded. - (AS BOGART) Well, play it, Sam. 208 00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:18,991 Nice-looking bloke. 209 00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:23,110 I don't know if anyone will ever find this, 210 00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:28,274 but if they do and it's you, Dave, or you, Arnold, don't ever play it. 211 00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:30,795 Some things are best left buried. 212 00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:35,032 - Why have you frozen him, Hol - You heard what he said 213 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:39,990 - Knows what he's talking about, that dude. - Come on, Holly. From Saturday night. 214 00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:43,869 (RIMMER) Do you know how many times in my entire life I've made love? 215 00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:47,032 Yes, we all remember this bit. Spin on, spin on, spin on! 216 00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:50,472 (MOUTHS SILENTLY) 217 00:16:56,680 --> 00:16:58,671 That many?! 218 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:04,679 (LISTER) Another bit of sky. A star... 219 00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:06,558 (RIMMER WHINING) 220 00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:20,069 This better be good. I was sleeping, and sleeping's my third favourite thing. 221 00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:22,276 Come and wake me up this time of night...! 222 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:31,232 - What is this place? - It's the hologram simulation suite. 223 00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:35,393 - This is the room that creates Rimmer. - Have we come to blow this room up? 224 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:40,317 Look, those are his dreams and everything there. That's what he's dreaming right at the moment. 225 00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:42,516 # Maybe I could 226 00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:44,273 # Really be good 227 00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:48,558 # With someone to watch over me # 228 00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:52,315 I'm gonna give Rimmer the best present he will ever get. 229 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:56,878 - (CAT) What are you doing? - I'm recording me memory. 230 00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:59,190 - Your entire memory? - Yeah. Everything. 231 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:01,715 Everywhere I've been, everything I've learned, my entire knowledge. 232 00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:05,351 Right, that's it. 233 00:18:06,360 --> 00:18:08,715 I'm gonna give Rimmer a love affair. 234 00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:12,316 I'm gonna take eight months out of my memory, and I'm gonna paste it into his, 235 00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:15,597 So everything that's happened to me, he's gonna think happened to him. 236 00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:20,231 - You're giving him one of your old girlfriends? - I'm going to give him Lise Yates. 237 00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:23,718 (CAT PURRS) 238 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:25,834 (LAUGHS) 239 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:31,274 God, I love you Dave. I love you so much. 240 00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:33,476 (LISTER) And I love you, Lise. 241 00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:35,551 A few minor adjustments. 242 00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:43,275 - God, I love you Rimmer, I love you so much. - (LISTER) And I love you, Lise. 243 00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:45,351 Change the voice. 244 00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:50,710 God, I love you Rimmer, I love you so much. 245 00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:53,189 (RIMMER) And I love you, Lise. 246 00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:56,989 - And that's it. - And when he wakes up, he'll think all this happened to him? 247 00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:59,196 Yeah, the whole eight months. 248 00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:01,669 Man, that's a fine present. 249 00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:05,472 He was probably only expecting a tie. 250 00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:31,672 (ROCK AND ROLL) 251 00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:37,351 You're in a good mood. 252 00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:41,838 Why not, Listie, when life's so good? 253 00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:43,957 Why is life so good? 254 00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:46,998 You wouldn't understand, Lister. You've never been in love. 255 00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:51,517 - I have! - Oh, not real love, Lister. Not like I have. 256 00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:57,471 Not fireworks in the sky, 'From Here To Eternity', rolling naked on the beach kind of love. 257 00:19:57,560 --> 00:20:00,712 - Not like me and Lise. - So, who's Lise? 258 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:06,239 Never you mind, Lister. Someone who was absolutely nuts about me, that's all you need to know. 259 00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:09,312 Fine. If you want to... keep it to yourself. 260 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:14,520 All I'm saying is, from now on call me Tiger. Grrr! 261 00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:18,318 An old girlfriend, was she... Tiger? 262 00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:21,950 Ah! What a crazy, crazy, year that was. 263 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:27,274 The first three months, I was at Saturn Tech doing a maintenance course. 264 00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:31,274 Then, for absolutely no reason, I suddenly moved to Liverpool. 265 00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:36,198 I drank too much. I smoked too much. I became a total slob. 266 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:40,274 I met Lise, of course. I even started to eat my own toenail clippings. 267 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,869 My tastes in music radically changed. 268 00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:48,590 I stopped adoring Mantovani and got into Rastabilly Skank. 269 00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:52,560 - Crazy. - Well, you know? You were in love. You go a bit crazy. 270 00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:55,792 It was weird. I was absolutely nuts about her, 271 00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:59,589 - but yet started treating her really badly. - No, you didn't! 272 00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:04,197 I did! I started to give her some wishy-washy twaddle about not wanting to get tied down. 273 00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:08,319 But you were young, you didn't want to settle down. You wanted to bum around and have a laugh. 274 00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:12,633 - I hate bumming around and having a laugh. - But that's what you're like when you were young. 275 00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:16,076 I wasn't like that when I was young, so why did I say those things? 276 00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:19,596 I mean, she wanted you to have a career. 277 00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:23,719 That's what I'd always dreamt of, so why did I finish it with her? 278 00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:26,360 Because... you wanted to play the field. 279 00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:29,751 That's right. I told her I wanted to play the field. 280 00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:34,755 I told her that? I must have been mad. She was great, and she thought I was great. 281 00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:38,549 Yeah, man, you're right. You were mad. 282 00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:42,270 - She was a lover and a friend. - And beautiful. 283 00:21:42,360 --> 00:21:44,351 - Gorgeous. - Great sense of humour. 284 00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:47,717 - Terrific. - The sex was fantastic. 285 00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:50,394 - Amazing sex. - Brilliant sex. 286 00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:54,951 - Oh, primo, dynamite sex! - Fantastic sex! Stupendous sex! 287 00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:58,351 - Lister... - The way she used to. Oh, the sex, brilliant sex! 288 00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:02,195 - Er, Lister. Lister. How do you know? - I'm just having a guess! 289 00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:07,030 Kindly dont! No one will ever know 290 00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:11,034 how beautiful the relationship between me and Lise Yates was. 291 00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:17,639 How could you do this, to me? It's the most heartbreakingly tragic thing it's ever been my misfortune to witness. 292 00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:20,238 Popcorn? 293 00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:26,719 I'm sorry, man. I mean, obviously I thought I was doing you a favour. 294 00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:32,079 What's this got to do with jigsaws, broken legs and Godzilla-size footprints, eh? 295 00:22:38,280 --> 00:22:41,336 - Right, smegbrain, prepare to die! - Eh? 296 00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:43,685 - I found the letters. - What letters? 297 00:22:43,709 --> 00:22:46,132 - Don't give me "what letters?"... THE letters. - What letters?! 298 00:22:46,156 --> 00:22:49,655 You went out with Lise Yates too. I found the letters she sent you. 299 00:22:49,679 --> 00:22:50,837 Oh, smeg! 300 00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:55,835 All the time she was going out with me, she must've been seeing you as well, behind my back. 301 00:22:55,920 --> 00:23:00,976 And what is more, to pour salt into the wound, you used to take her to the exact same places I used to take her. 302 00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:04,444 - And do the exact same things. - Rimmer, it's not what it looks like. 303 00:23:04,468 --> 00:23:06,591 That woman is unbelievable. 304 00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:10,430 We stayed a night in a hotel in Southport and made love six times. 305 00:23:10,520 --> 00:23:15,071 According to her letter, you were in the exact same hotel and you made love six times, too! 306 00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:15,876 Listen... 307 00:23:15,900 --> 00:23:19,616 Twelve times a night? What is wrong with the woman, she's sex mad! 308 00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:20,916 Listen! 309 00:23:20,940 --> 00:23:26,159 It's a good job you were there. If i'd have been there on my own I would have been dead within a week. 310 00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:29,437 But it doesn't make sense. I mean, she loved me. 311 00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:32,220 Listen, listen. She wasn't going out with us both at the same time. 312 00:23:32,244 --> 00:23:33,753 Come on, I've checked the dates. 313 00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:37,390 - She wasn't going out with you at all. - She... 314 00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:40,040 - She didn't go out with me at all? - No, you've never even met her. 315 00:23:40,120 --> 00:23:42,475 Is that the best you can do, Lister. That's below feeble! 316 00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:46,872 I went down to the Hologram Simulation Suite and I gave you eight months of my memory. 317 00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:50,237 - What? - It was a present. 318 00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:57,432 You gave me eight months of your memory as a present? 319 00:23:58,520 --> 00:23:59,919 Yeah. 320 00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:06,314 That's why I was an orphan, even though my parents were alive. 321 00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:10,876 That's why I had my appendix out twice. 322 00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:13,076 I thought it was what you needed. 323 00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:17,870 You've destroyed me, Lister. 324 00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:24,912 The woman I loved most in the whole world didn't love me, she loved you. 325 00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:28,831 Rimmer, listen... 326 00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:31,036 Rimmer, listen... Rimmer! 327 00:24:31,120 --> 00:24:32,918 Oh, smeg!! 328 00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:39,152 You should have bought him a tie. 329 00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:01,909 Come on, Rimmer. You've experienced love. 330 00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:04,640 It made you more confident, more secure. 331 00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:07,280 - It didn't happen. I never even met her. - It did happen. 332 00:25:07,360 --> 00:25:13,276 I mean, you fell in love with her in a way I never did. She's yours, now. Nothing can take that away from you. 333 00:25:13,360 --> 00:25:18,912 That time she stuck her tongue down my ear. It wasn't my ear at all. It was your ear. 334 00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:24,473 The woman I loved most in the whole world had her tongue down your ear. 335 00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:29,794 The most romantic thing I've ever had down my ear is a Johnson's Baby Bud. 336 00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:35,792 Come on, as far as you're concerned you had a love affair, right? Which was wonderful, yeah? 337 00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:39,555 And for some reason that you can't understand, it all went hideously wrong. 338 00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:44,840 Well, so what? Join the club, bucko. It's just you, me and everyone else in the world. 339 00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:48,959 - I don't want to feel like this anymore. - So, you're in pain, yeah? 340 00:25:49,040 --> 00:25:52,556 No, but Rimmer, if you go through life without feeling, 341 00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:55,473 You go through life never experiencing, you're no better than a jellyfish, 342 00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:57,870 no better than a bank manager. 343 00:25:57,960 --> 00:26:02,033 I don't want this feeling anymore. I want my own memory back. 344 00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:08,355 OK. OK. OK. I'll erase the last four days. Lise Yates will never have happened. 345 00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:12,513 - But you'll know about it. - Well, I'll erase my memory from Sunday, too. 346 00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:15,911 - And the Cat's and Holly's. - Fine, if they agree. 347 00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:18,753 - What about the black box? - I'll destroy it. 348 00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:21,434 - It's indestructible. - OK. I'll shoot it off into space. 349 00:26:21,520 --> 00:26:26,356 - Someone might find it. - OK. OK. We'll bury it! We'll bury it on some planet, yeah? 350 00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:36,910 (LISTER) I'm going to drop it, I'm going to drop it. Put it down, man. Put it down! 351 00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:38,798 (THUD) 352 00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:44,598 (CAT) Why does he want a gravestone? (LISTER) He said he wanted something somewhere, y'know? 353 00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:46,671 so it didn't, like, disappear. 354 00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:50,193 (GRUNTING) 355 00:26:56,640 --> 00:26:58,199 (LISTER AND CAT SCREAM) 356 00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:02,592 (LISTER) Arrrgh. I've broken me foot! Ah! It's broken. (CAT) Help me find my toes! 357 00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:20,393 OK, that's it. 358 00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:23,632 Let's go and erase our memories. 359 00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:36,318 # It's cold outside 360 00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:38,198 # There's no kind of atmosphere 361 00:27:38,280 --> 00:27:41,636 # I'm all alone, more or less 362 00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:44,838 # Let me fly far away from here 363 00:27:44,920 --> 00:27:47,673 # Fun, fun, fun 364 00:27:47,760 --> 00:27:51,276 # In the sun, sun, sun 365 00:27:51,360 --> 00:27:54,716 # I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose 366 00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:58,077 # Drinking fresh mango juice 367 00:27:58,160 --> 00:28:01,437 # Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes 368 00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:04,194 # Fun, fun, fun 369 00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:07,955 # In the sun, sun, sun 370 00:28:08,040 --> 00:28:10,714 # Fun, fun, fun 371 00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:14,873 # In the sun, sun, sun #