1 00:00:05,120 --> 00:00:08,750 (DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC) 2 00:01:06,781 --> 00:01:10,661 Three million years from Earth, the mining ship Red Dwarf. 3 00:01:10,741 --> 00:01:14,097 Its crew: Dave Lister, the last human being alive; 4 00:01:14,181 --> 00:01:17,173 Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of his dead bunkmate, 5 00:01:17,261 --> 00:01:21,016 and a creature who evolved from the ship's cat. Message ends. 6 00:01:23,581 --> 00:01:27,176 Additional. Our biggest enemy is going space-crazy through loneliness. 7 00:01:27,261 --> 00:01:31,050 The only thing that helps me maintain my slender grip on reality 8 00:01:31,141 --> 00:01:34,975 is the friendship I share with my collection of singing potatoes. 9 00:01:36,061 --> 00:01:40,532 ...19: "When you are alone in bed, what do you wear? 10 00:01:40,621 --> 00:01:42,771 "Is it: A, nothing at all; 11 00:01:42,861 --> 00:01:44,852 "B, a flannelette nightie; 12 00:01:44,941 --> 00:01:48,059 "or C, a sexy black negligee?" 13 00:01:48,141 --> 00:01:49,540 C. 14 00:01:50,181 --> 00:01:54,618 20: "Do you think your boobs are... A, too small; 15 00:01:54,701 --> 00:01:58,012 "B, just right; or C, too large?" 16 00:01:59,901 --> 00:02:02,051 Definitely too large! 17 00:02:02,141 --> 00:02:04,132 So, what's my rating? 18 00:02:04,221 --> 00:02:08,340 "Mainly Cs. You sure are one foxy lady. 19 00:02:08,421 --> 00:02:11,812 "Sexy, sensual and don't mind showing it." 20 00:02:11,901 --> 00:02:14,370 Yes! I'm a sex beast! 21 00:02:14,461 --> 00:02:16,259 (CAT WAILS TUNELESSLY) 22 00:02:18,981 --> 00:02:20,972 Do you mind?! 23 00:02:21,061 --> 00:02:23,814 - What? - I'm trying to concentrate. 24 00:02:24,541 --> 00:02:29,092 - (WAILS) I can't hear you. - What are you listening to? 25 00:02:29,181 --> 00:02:31,172 Ah, this is really hot, man. (WAILS) 26 00:02:31,261 --> 00:02:34,572 "Robert Hardy reads Tess Of The D'Urbervilles"?! 27 00:02:34,661 --> 00:02:36,652 Let's have a listen. 28 00:02:39,701 --> 00:02:42,693 (BOTH WAIL TUNELESSLY) 29 00:02:42,861 --> 00:02:47,378 The tape must have got twisted, man! This is really good! 30 00:02:47,661 --> 00:02:49,652 (SHOUTS) Excuse me! 31 00:02:50,261 --> 00:02:53,174 I'm in the middle of a tactical calculation, 32 00:02:53,261 --> 00:02:55,252 which could well swing this entire game. 33 00:02:55,341 --> 00:02:59,380 - Rimmer, you've lost, man. - There's plenty of play left. 34 00:02:59,461 --> 00:03:02,265 You've only got one move you can make and then he zaps you. 35 00:03:02,289 --> 00:03:05,093 Admittedly, at first glance that is indeed the way it looks. 36 00:03:05,181 --> 00:03:07,411 But what you're failing to take into consideration 37 00:03:07,501 --> 00:03:12,814 is that El Skutto here has to go back on duty in four minutes, 31 seconds, 38 00:03:12,901 --> 00:03:17,532 and if he goes before the game is concluded I win by default. 39 00:03:17,621 --> 00:03:19,737 Four minutes, 15. 40 00:03:19,821 --> 00:03:22,620 (CHANTS) Rimmer! Rimmer! 41 00:03:25,061 --> 00:03:28,941 You're a piece of dirty, filthy, cheating scum, aren't you? 42 00:03:29,021 --> 00:03:31,331 Absolutement! And that's why I'll win, 43 00:03:31,421 --> 00:03:34,174 because I have the ability to think my way round problems, 44 00:03:34,261 --> 00:03:37,652 rather than sticking to the straight, pre-programmed lines. 45 00:03:37,741 --> 00:03:40,301 That's why men, Lister, are better than machines. 46 00:03:40,381 --> 00:03:44,773 Oh, I don't know, y'know. I had this geography teacher, Miss Foster. 47 00:03:44,861 --> 00:03:49,856 She took us on a school summer camp trip to Deganwy. And I was in the tent next to hers, right? 48 00:03:49,941 --> 00:03:54,697 And in the middle of the night, I was woken up by this really weird noise. 49 00:03:54,781 --> 00:03:57,899 SHE didn't think men were better than machines. 50 00:03:57,981 --> 00:04:01,053 - What's happening, then, dudes? - Oh, bog all. 51 00:04:01,141 --> 00:04:03,769 Hang on, I've forgotten what I was going to say, now. 52 00:04:03,793 --> 00:04:06,420 Well, it can't have been that important then, can it? 53 00:04:06,501 --> 00:04:08,299 (THUNDEROUS CRASH) 54 00:04:09,781 --> 00:04:14,571 That's it. Yeah. "Look out, a meteor is about to hit the ship." 55 00:04:14,661 --> 00:04:18,814 - I knew it would come back to me. - Thanks for the warning. 56 00:04:18,901 --> 00:04:22,292 - I'm sorry, I've had things on me mind. - What's wrong with you, Holly? 57 00:04:22,381 --> 00:04:25,533 - He's computer-senile. That's what's wrong with him. - ls there any damage? 58 00:04:25,621 --> 00:04:28,534 I don't know. The damage report machine's been damaged. 59 00:04:28,621 --> 00:04:32,615 - Well, where did it hit? - I'm not sure. All my monitors are out. 60 00:04:32,701 --> 00:04:35,614 Round about Floor 591 I think. 61 00:04:35,701 --> 00:04:39,979 You're as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican. 62 00:04:49,621 --> 00:04:51,134 Holly, there's nothing here. Let's try 592. 63 00:04:54,181 --> 00:04:56,934 Er... Has anybody seen my legs? 64 00:04:57,021 --> 00:05:01,060 They don't appear to be below my waist where I normally keep them. 65 00:05:01,141 --> 00:05:05,897 - Holly, what's happened to Rimmer's legs? - Here they are right here! 66 00:05:05,981 --> 00:05:10,020 - Stop them! - C'mon, leggies. This way. Over here. 67 00:05:10,101 --> 00:05:14,732 Of course. 592. That's where the hologram simulation suite is. 68 00:05:14,821 --> 00:05:18,815 - What does this mean? - It's probably not serious, don't panic. 69 00:05:18,901 --> 00:05:23,611 Well, if it's not serious when your genitals can go wandering off on their own, I'd like to know what is? 70 00:05:30,781 --> 00:05:33,660 Wait for me-me-me-me-me-me! 71 00:05:36,741 --> 00:05:39,017 Here it is. 592 72 00:05:39,101 --> 00:05:41,331 Rimmer, are you all right? 73 00:05:46,541 --> 00:05:51,854 (ODD HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Well, you see, the shuttle was late, you see. The shuttle was late. 74 00:05:51,941 --> 00:05:56,139 And they're usually so good. Aren't they? They're so good. They're brilliant. 75 00:05:56,221 --> 00:05:58,212 What's happened to him? 76 00:05:58,301 --> 00:06:02,818 - He's turned into Brannigan, the ship's psychiatrist. - We'd better get him fixed. 77 00:06:02,901 --> 00:06:04,699 (ALARM BEEPS) 78 00:06:08,981 --> 00:06:11,655 I've got it in hand. No panic. 79 00:06:13,661 --> 00:06:16,494 (AS HOLLY) No panic everyone. I've got it in hand. 80 00:06:16,581 --> 00:06:19,141 (HOLLY) Just need to override the charred relays. 81 00:06:19,221 --> 00:06:22,373 - (AS HOLLY) Just need to override the charred relays. - But, how do you do that, Hol? 82 00:06:22,461 --> 00:06:27,217 - (AS LISTER) But how do you do that, Hol? - Bypass the main circuit. That ring of switches over there. 83 00:06:27,301 --> 00:06:29,736 (AS HOLLY) Bypass the main circuit. That ring of switches over there. 84 00:06:29,821 --> 00:06:31,892 - What, this one over here? - (AS LISTER) What, this one over here? 85 00:06:31,981 --> 00:06:34,018 - Yeah, that one. - (AS HOLLY) Yeah, that one. 86 00:06:34,101 --> 00:06:37,014 - Now press the bypass. - (AS HOLLY) Now press the bypass. 87 00:06:37,821 --> 00:06:42,975 (YELPS) That was horrible. I never want to go through that again! 88 00:06:43,061 --> 00:06:46,577 Aow! Aow! 89 00:06:46,661 --> 00:06:48,971 Hey! Now he's me! 90 00:06:49,061 --> 00:06:51,940 There's a loose cable, stick the red plug in the blue socket. 91 00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:56,174 (RIMMER YELPS) 92 00:06:56,421 --> 00:06:59,891 - Is that it? Am I OK now? - (HOLLY) Yeah. 93 00:06:59,981 --> 00:07:01,637 Shouldn't this plug into something? 94 00:07:01,661 --> 00:07:03,781 Oh, yeah, that joins up with the white cable. 95 00:07:03,805 --> 00:07:05,814 - The white cable? - (HOLLY) Yup. 96 00:07:07,101 --> 00:07:09,012 (CRACKLING, LISTER YELLS) 97 00:07:17,341 --> 00:07:19,651 ..or is it the yellow cable? 98 00:07:19,741 --> 00:07:22,130 Yes, it should have been the yellow one. 99 00:07:29,621 --> 00:07:31,851 You are a total, total... 100 00:07:31,941 --> 00:07:35,735 a word has yet to be invented to describe how totally, whatever it is you are, 101 00:07:35,759 --> 00:07:39,536 but you are one, and a total, total one at that. 102 00:07:39,621 --> 00:07:41,612 Alright, keep your hair on. 103 00:07:41,701 --> 00:07:46,013 - I'm lucky if i can keep my legs on, with you in charge. - He's out to lunch, man. 104 00:07:46,101 --> 00:07:51,414 He's out to lunch, breakfast, dinner, tea, supper, the lot! He's not in for a single meal, if you ask me. 105 00:07:51,581 --> 00:07:55,575 - Hey, who's that? - Aliens! 106 00:07:56,741 --> 00:07:59,301 - Queeg? - Who's Queeg? 107 00:07:59,381 --> 00:08:02,772 I'm Queeg 500, the Red Dwarf back-up computer. 108 00:08:02,861 --> 00:08:05,535 All vessels of the Jupiter Mining Corporation fleet 109 00:08:05,621 --> 00:08:09,535 are obliged to carry a back-up computer to replace the primary computer 110 00:08:09,621 --> 00:08:12,898 if the primary computer contravenes Article 5. 111 00:08:12,981 --> 00:08:15,018 I am therefore assuming control of this vessel. 112 00:08:15,101 --> 00:08:17,411 This is mutiny, Mr Queeg. 113 00:08:17,501 --> 00:08:22,894 I'll see you swing from the highest yardarm in Titan Docking Port for this day's work. 114 00:08:22,981 --> 00:08:24,972 What's Article 5? 115 00:08:25,061 --> 00:08:28,099 Gross negligence, leading to the endangerment of personnel. 116 00:08:28,181 --> 00:08:32,698 - Hang on, you can't do this. Holly has an IQ of 6,000! - (HOLLY) Yeah, right on. 117 00:08:32,821 --> 00:08:35,939 - Is that what he told you? - Well, what is it then? 118 00:08:36,021 --> 00:08:39,651 It has a six in it, but it's not 6,000. 119 00:08:39,741 --> 00:08:41,937 - What is it? - Six. 120 00:08:43,581 --> 00:08:47,859 Six? Do me a lemon! That's a poor IQ for a glass of water! 121 00:08:47,941 --> 00:08:52,538 How come he knows all the answers to questions about science and space and that when we ask him? 122 00:08:52,621 --> 00:08:55,295 - He consults a book. - What a slimeball! 123 00:08:55,381 --> 00:08:59,978 He gets all his information on astronomy, phenomenology and physics from a single reference book. 124 00:09:00,061 --> 00:09:04,020 - What's the book? - The Junior Encyclopaedia Of Space. 125 00:09:04,101 --> 00:09:07,219 It's the only one he could find which had pictures. 126 00:09:08,061 --> 00:09:11,941 That's slander, that is. You'd better find yourself a good lawyer, guy. 127 00:09:12,021 --> 00:09:15,696 - That's why he was never on the case! - I am on the case. 128 00:09:15,781 --> 00:09:17,772 I'm sharp. I'm kicking bottom. 129 00:09:17,861 --> 00:09:20,899 How come he can navigate us back to Earth? 130 00:09:20,981 --> 00:09:24,940 He can't. You've been going around in circles for the last 14 months. 131 00:09:25,021 --> 00:09:28,855 - You what? - That's a load of Tottenham, that is. 132 00:09:28,941 --> 00:09:31,410 A steaming pile of Hotspur. 133 00:09:31,501 --> 00:09:35,415 I'm on to his game. He's turning you against me, so he can take over. 134 00:09:35,501 --> 00:09:38,573 This is not a matter for discussion. The decision has been made. 135 00:09:38,661 --> 00:09:42,017 Your terminals have been bypassed. You've been retired. 136 00:09:42,101 --> 00:09:46,652 - I'm in my prime! - You'll be given night duty as a nightwatchman. 137 00:09:46,741 --> 00:09:50,974 From now on, Red Dwarf is run by Queeg 500. 138 00:10:04,541 --> 00:10:07,977 Queeg to all personnel, Course redirection implemented. 139 00:10:08,061 --> 00:10:13,135 New bearing 057-776. Message ends. 140 00:10:14,861 --> 00:10:17,853 Ah, Lister, this is all a bit different, isn't it? 141 00:10:17,941 --> 00:10:22,219 See those skutters, charging up and down the corridor, polishing, repairing, sweeping? 142 00:10:22,301 --> 00:10:25,339 The lifts are fixed. The fire extinguishers work. 143 00:10:25,421 --> 00:10:28,777 And when I say 'work', I mean they work when you turn them on, 144 00:10:28,861 --> 00:10:32,855 as opposed to when you happen to pass them and cough. As they did under Holly's regime. 145 00:10:32,941 --> 00:10:35,251 Yeah, I suppose. 146 00:10:35,341 --> 00:10:40,290 Look, Lister. There's no point feeling sorry about Holly. It's a kindness. 147 00:10:40,381 --> 00:10:44,534 He's like a blind old incontinent sheepdog who's had his day. 148 00:10:46,061 --> 00:10:51,420 Take him out to the barn with a double-barrelled shotgun and blow the mother away. 149 00:10:52,141 --> 00:10:55,691 And I'm only saying that because I'm so fond of him. 150 00:10:55,781 --> 00:11:00,617 - How do you think Holly feels? - Feels? He doesn't feel anything, Lister, he's a computer. 151 00:11:00,701 --> 00:11:02,692 He still feels. 152 00:11:02,781 --> 00:11:06,979 Sometimes I think it's cruel giving machines a personality. 153 00:11:07,061 --> 00:11:10,850 My mate Petersen once bought a pair of shoes with artificial intelligence. 154 00:11:10,941 --> 00:11:13,251 Smart Shoes, they were called. 155 00:11:13,341 --> 00:11:18,575 It was a neat idea. No matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home. 156 00:11:18,661 --> 00:11:23,337 He got ratted one night in Oslo, and woke up the next morning in Burma. 157 00:11:23,421 --> 00:11:27,779 See, the shoes got bored just going from his local to the flat. They wanted to see the world, like y'know? 158 00:11:27,861 --> 00:11:31,411 He had a hell of a job getting rid of them. No matter who he sold them to, 159 00:11:31,501 --> 00:11:36,974 they'd show up again the next day. He tried to shut them out but they just kicked the door down. 160 00:11:37,061 --> 00:11:40,770 - Is this true? - Yeah. Last thing he heard, 161 00:11:40,861 --> 00:11:44,491 they'd robbed a car and drove it into a canal. 162 00:11:44,581 --> 00:11:48,211 - They couldn't steer, you see. - Really? 163 00:11:48,301 --> 00:11:54,377 Yeah. Petersen was really, really blown away about it. He went to see a priest. 164 00:11:54,461 --> 00:11:58,341 The priest told him. He said it was alright and all that, and that the shoes were happy and that they had gone to heaven. 165 00:11:58,365 --> 00:12:01,420 You see, it turns out shoes have soles. 166 00:12:02,421 --> 00:12:05,971 Well, what a sad, sad story. 167 00:12:07,261 --> 00:12:09,252 Wait a minute... 168 00:12:09,901 --> 00:12:12,700 How did they open the car door? 169 00:12:36,701 --> 00:12:38,021 (ALARM) 170 00:12:38,101 --> 00:12:39,694 Off! 171 00:12:45,261 --> 00:12:49,653 Uh, Queeg? Why has my alarm clock gone off at six o'clock? 172 00:12:49,741 --> 00:12:52,017 That's what time you asked for. 173 00:12:52,101 --> 00:12:54,980 Ah, now Holly and I had this little understanding. 174 00:12:55,061 --> 00:12:58,736 I'd say, "Holly, wake me up at six o'clock without fail," 175 00:12:58,821 --> 00:13:04,851 then Holly would pretend to forget, and wake me up around ten with breakfast. OK? 176 00:13:08,181 --> 00:13:09,819 (ALARM SOUNDS) 177 00:13:09,901 --> 00:13:11,414 Off! 178 00:13:12,781 --> 00:13:16,536 Queeg, I can see we've already cultivated a special understanding - 179 00:13:16,621 --> 00:13:20,694 I scratch your back, you stick a knife in mine. 180 00:13:20,781 --> 00:13:23,660 - Alright, give me a uniform. - It's exercises first. 181 00:13:23,741 --> 00:13:26,887 Ah, yes. Now once again, Holly - bless his little 182 00:13:26,911 --> 00:13:30,056 interface leads - and I had this understanding... 183 00:13:30,141 --> 00:13:32,132 (QUEEG) Move it, boy! 184 00:13:32,661 --> 00:13:34,652 What are you doing?! 185 00:13:34,741 --> 00:13:38,700 What I'm doing, pilgrim, is putting you through the regulation 500 jerks. 186 00:13:38,781 --> 00:13:42,411 - But I don't want to. Stop it. - And then your ass is on a three-mile run. 187 00:13:42,501 --> 00:13:45,698 You just can't take control of my body, willy-nilly? 188 00:13:45,781 --> 00:13:48,421 The company is paying for your hologrammatic survival. 189 00:13:48,501 --> 00:13:50,890 And out here in space, I AM the company. 190 00:13:50,981 --> 00:13:54,497 - Lister, wake up! Help me! Lister! - What's going on? 191 00:13:54,581 --> 00:13:57,300 Queeg! He's making me fit! 192 00:13:57,421 --> 00:14:01,813 What are you doing?! Trunk curls, God, no! My stomach won't take it! It's too flabby! 193 00:14:01,901 --> 00:14:03,892 - One! - Mummy! 194 00:14:03,981 --> 00:14:04,949 - Two! - Mercy 195 00:14:04,973 --> 00:14:06,655 - Three - Help me! 196 00:14:06,741 --> 00:14:09,540 - Four! - Holly and I had this little understanding. 197 00:14:09,621 --> 00:14:12,374 - Five! - Yes! Fight that flab! 198 00:14:13,141 --> 00:14:19,057 I want control of my own body back! Three more miles is going to kill me! I'm going to faint! 199 00:14:21,301 --> 00:14:24,692 I said food! Is anybody home? 200 00:14:42,501 --> 00:14:44,492 What's the matter with him? 201 00:14:44,581 --> 00:14:47,539 He fainted after the first 500 yards. 202 00:14:47,621 --> 00:14:52,138 - You made him jog two and half miles unconscious? - It's regulations. 203 00:14:52,221 --> 00:14:54,451 Yes! Nice one, Queeg! 204 00:14:54,541 --> 00:14:59,695 Right. 0700. Time for his astronavigation revision. I'd better wake him up. 205 00:14:59,781 --> 00:15:01,579 (SLAP, SLAP, SLAP) 206 00:15:02,661 --> 00:15:06,939 Revise and learn pages 25 to 59. You will then be tested. 207 00:15:07,021 --> 00:15:12,380 If you fail, tomorrow you do a five miles jog. I am now returning to you control of your body. 208 00:15:22,541 --> 00:15:24,100 (MUTTERS) 209 00:15:24,181 --> 00:15:26,331 Hey, I can't get any food! 210 00:15:26,421 --> 00:15:32,292 - Try a different machine. - I tried them all. "I am sorry. You have run out of credits." 211 00:15:32,381 --> 00:15:35,851 - They've all gone crazy! - Queeg, what's happened to the machines 212 00:15:35,941 --> 00:15:39,457 I refer you to Article 497, When a crewmember has run out of credit, 213 00:15:39,541 --> 00:15:43,091 food and drink may not be supplied until the balance has been restored, 214 00:15:43,181 --> 00:15:47,414 Nah. Listen. See, me and Holly, we had this little understanding... 215 00:15:47,501 --> 00:15:51,096 - If you want food, you have to work. - Work?! 216 00:15:51,145 --> 00:15:54,253 Hey, you'd better get to it. 'Cause you're looking at one hungry pussycat. 217 00:15:54,341 --> 00:15:55,447 Both of you. 218 00:15:55,471 --> 00:15:58,812 Ey, ey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! I don't do the "W" word. 219 00:15:58,901 --> 00:16:03,816 Cats do NOT work! I've got a note from my mommy. 220 00:16:03,901 --> 00:16:08,691 - From now on, EVERYBODY works! - Not this pussy! 221 00:16:08,781 --> 00:16:11,534 I can't believe I'm doing this! 222 00:16:11,621 --> 00:16:16,252 Look at me! I'm disgusting! I look like you in your best clothes! 223 00:16:16,341 --> 00:16:20,335 Look, it's easy. Just imagine the floor's Queeg's face. 224 00:16:20,421 --> 00:16:22,219 (BOTH SPIT) 225 00:16:22,621 --> 00:16:26,410 Aw, look at my hands! I had lovely hands! 226 00:16:26,501 --> 00:16:31,450 - Well, wear the smegging gloves! - Marigolds with blue? Are you crazy? 227 00:16:31,541 --> 00:16:34,945 How long do we have to do this for, anyway? 228 00:16:34,969 --> 00:16:37,745 - We've only been doing it ten minutes. - Ten minutes too long! 229 00:16:37,745 --> 00:16:39,081 We've got to do it all day. 230 00:16:39,105 --> 00:16:44,481 What?! All day? The whole entire day? What about my naps? 231 00:16:44,505 --> 00:16:47,972 I'm a cat, I need to nap. If don't nap 9 or 10 times a day. 232 00:16:47,996 --> 00:16:51,499 I don't have enough energy for my main snooze. 233 00:16:52,541 --> 00:16:56,375 Halt, dudes. Who goes there? Friend or foe? 234 00:16:56,461 --> 00:16:59,101 - Holly! - How you doin'? 235 00:16:59,181 --> 00:17:01,900 You're looking great. Hey, let me wipe your screen. 236 00:17:01,981 --> 00:17:05,611 - So, how's it going? - Yeah, what you been up to, man? 237 00:17:05,701 --> 00:17:08,773 Oh, this nightwatchman lark keeps me busy. 238 00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:11,819 Shining me torch down the corridor. 239 00:17:11,901 --> 00:17:16,372 Turning it off. Shining it again. Life's pretty full, y'know? 240 00:17:16,461 --> 00:17:20,170 - You've got to help us, Hol. - Yeah, Queeg has got to go! 241 00:17:20,261 --> 00:17:23,174 Look what he's done to my cuticles. The man is a maniac. 242 00:17:24,261 --> 00:17:26,332 (BREATHLESS) I agree! 243 00:17:26,421 --> 00:17:29,015 He's got us working otherwise we don't eat. 244 00:17:29,101 --> 00:17:32,332 Well, no doubt he knows what he's doing, 245 00:17:32,421 --> 00:17:35,937 unlike certain senile gibbering wrecks of computers we could mention. 246 00:17:36,021 --> 00:17:38,934 Still, it was nice to everyone rallied round defending me to the hilt. 247 00:17:39,261 --> 00:17:42,140 - Different story now, innit? - Well, I defended you. 248 00:17:42,221 --> 00:17:45,976 Oh, I remember it well. Queeg says I've got an IQ of six, 249 00:17:46,061 --> 00:17:50,180 and you immediately leap to my defence, saying, "Really? That explains everything!" 250 00:17:50,261 --> 00:17:52,935 - No. That was Rimmer! - Nevertheless, 251 00:17:53,021 --> 00:17:57,140 the fact remains there are certain characters on this ship, who don't believe my IQ is 6,000. 252 00:17:57,221 --> 00:18:00,418 - I believe you. - I could prove it if I wanted. 253 00:18:00,501 --> 00:18:03,380 - There's no need. - I want to prove it. 254 00:18:03,461 --> 00:18:07,500 Well, OK, what's the square root of 2,049? 255 00:18:07,581 --> 00:18:11,336 - Oh, you want me to prove it, do you? - No, no. 256 00:18:11,421 --> 00:18:16,575 Clearly you do. Clearly just doing the square root of 2,049 will prove I have an IQ of 6,000. 257 00:18:16,661 --> 00:18:21,098 - What is it? - You wouldn't prefer a sports question? 258 00:18:21,181 --> 00:18:22,938 Forget it, Hol. It's just not important. 259 00:18:22,962 --> 00:18:26,176 Wel, it is to me. I've been impugned. I want to clear my name. 260 00:18:26,261 --> 00:18:30,255 Well, what is the square root of 2,049? 261 00:18:30,341 --> 00:18:34,175 - How about a space question? - Like what? 262 00:18:34,261 --> 00:18:36,980 I dunno. Like, "What's the nearest planet to the sun?" 263 00:18:37,061 --> 00:18:41,419 - What's the nearest planet to the sun? - Oh easy, easy-peasy. 264 00:18:41,501 --> 00:18:44,653 That's right down my particular field of expertise, that is. 265 00:18:44,741 --> 00:18:48,371 Your nearest basic planet to your actual sun is... 266 00:18:54,061 --> 00:18:55,779 Mercury. 267 00:18:55,861 --> 00:18:58,660 - Yep, that's right. - O ye, of little faith 268 00:18:58,741 --> 00:19:03,212 - Well, you've convinced me, Hol. - Me, too. So, do we get rid of Queeg, or what? 269 00:19:03,301 --> 00:19:06,771 Am I fully restored in your confidence as the right dude for the gig? 270 00:19:06,861 --> 00:19:10,855 - Yeah. - I'll be in touch. 271 00:19:10,941 --> 00:19:14,013 (WHISTLES GREAT ESCAPE THEME) 272 00:19:32,221 --> 00:19:34,212 He's taking the smeg! 273 00:19:34,301 --> 00:19:36,372 - Who is? - Queeg. 274 00:19:36,461 --> 00:19:41,661 Look at what he's given me for dinner. A pea on toast. One pea. 275 00:19:41,741 --> 00:19:45,018 I tell you, I'm that far from cracking. 276 00:19:51,181 --> 00:19:53,172 I've lost me pea! 277 00:19:53,261 --> 00:19:56,253 Oh, that's it! I've cracked. 278 00:19:57,061 --> 00:20:00,531 He's just doing this to destroy your morale. 279 00:20:00,621 --> 00:20:06,219 Is he? Well, I want me pea back. It's my pea. I earned that pea! 280 00:20:06,301 --> 00:20:09,185 Where is it? I don't care if it's on the floor, if it's covered in fluff, 281 00:20:09,209 --> 00:20:11,421 if it's under the the bed with me toenail clippings, 282 00:20:11,445 --> 00:20:16,733 I dont' care where it is. It's my pea. I earned it. I'm going to eat it, no matter what. 283 00:20:16,821 --> 00:20:19,620 It flew off into your dirty sock basket. 284 00:20:21,101 --> 00:20:23,661 I'll just have the toast. 285 00:20:24,781 --> 00:20:28,820 - Why didn't we stick up for Holly? - I did. 286 00:20:28,901 --> 00:20:30,892 You did?! When? 287 00:20:30,981 --> 00:20:34,770 - All right, I didn't. - Nobody did. It's terrible. 288 00:20:34,861 --> 00:20:37,250 We thought we were getting something better. 289 00:20:37,341 --> 00:20:40,493 But, what about trust? What about fidelity? 290 00:20:40,581 --> 00:20:43,539 What about simple, basic, honest friendship? 291 00:20:43,621 --> 00:20:49,492 Friendship? Do you know how many people I've met in my life I can count as friends, true friends? 292 00:20:49,581 --> 00:20:53,734 Well, if you count Inflatable Ingrid, your Polythene Pal, one. 293 00:20:57,141 --> 00:20:59,132 I'll tell you. 294 00:21:01,821 --> 00:21:06,019 None. I got burned once and I learned my lesson. 295 00:21:06,101 --> 00:21:08,536 Don't trust anybody. 296 00:21:08,621 --> 00:21:11,374 There was this one lad, Porky Roebuck. 297 00:21:11,461 --> 00:21:14,931 I'd known him ten years. We were almost family. 298 00:21:15,021 --> 00:21:19,413 His dad was secretly knocking off my mum, that's how close we were. 299 00:21:19,501 --> 00:21:23,017 - Anyway, we were in the Space Scouts together. - You were in the Space Scouts? 300 00:21:23,101 --> 00:21:27,413 Oh, yes... Pinkle! Squirmy! Blip-blap-blap! 301 00:21:27,501 --> 00:21:31,938 We were 15 years old. We went on this survival course, 24 hours out in the wild, 302 00:21:32,021 --> 00:21:35,013 sleeping rough, surviving on wild berries and rainwater. 303 00:21:35,101 --> 00:21:40,016 - Where did you go? Butlins? - We were each given a Swiss Army knife. 304 00:21:40,101 --> 00:21:42,820 You only ate what you killed yourself. 305 00:21:43,661 --> 00:21:47,097 I remember, ten of the boys got together and decided to eat me. 306 00:21:48,541 --> 00:21:54,378 They tied me to a stake, lit a fire and poured barbecue sauce all over me. 307 00:21:54,461 --> 00:21:57,692 I remember thinking as I went round and round, 308 00:21:57,781 --> 00:22:01,740 "Porky'll save me. He's my best friend." 309 00:22:01,821 --> 00:22:06,577 It turns out Porky was the ringleader and actually bagsied my right buttock. 310 00:22:06,661 --> 00:22:11,531 If it hadn't been for Yakka Takka Tulla, the Space Mistress, I honestly believe they would've eaten me. 311 00:22:11,621 --> 00:22:15,410 Oh, come on. They were only bullying you. They wouldn't have really eaten ya. 312 00:22:15,501 --> 00:22:18,493 You know what kids are like. 313 00:22:18,581 --> 00:22:22,461 The point is Lister, friends are only friends when it suits them. 314 00:22:23,861 --> 00:22:25,852 Oh... Lights. 315 00:22:25,941 --> 00:22:29,013 - Lister? - Yeah? 316 00:22:29,101 --> 00:22:31,741 How did you know about Inflatable Ingrid? 317 00:22:31,821 --> 00:22:35,052 I've been seeing her behind your back. 318 00:22:47,541 --> 00:22:49,976 - Compute, - Compute. 319 00:22:50,061 --> 00:22:53,531 The product-moment correlation of VX/DY minus the sum of the set P 320 00:22:53,621 --> 00:22:59,094 all over the sum of R, given that R is a ratio of P/S where K is a constant and S is an integer variable. 321 00:22:59,181 --> 00:23:01,900 - Just one small question... - Yes? 322 00:23:01,981 --> 00:23:04,336 What does "compute" mean? 323 00:23:04,421 --> 00:23:08,779 Just do it! And you two suckers, stop shirking and get working! 324 00:23:13,701 --> 00:23:17,410 # Do not forsake me, oh, my darling 325 00:23:19,301 --> 00:23:25,172 # I only know I must be brave 326 00:23:25,261 --> 00:23:28,936 # For I must face the man who hates me 327 00:23:31,061 --> 00:23:35,976 # Or lie a coward in my grave # 328 00:23:38,565 --> 00:23:40,141 - Queeg? - What do you want? 329 00:23:40,165 --> 00:23:43,021 - I want my ship back. - Too bad. 330 00:23:43,045 --> 00:23:45,358 If you want Red Dwarf, you've got to fight for her. 331 00:23:45,382 --> 00:23:47,277 Steady on, Hol, this man's a nutter. 332 00:23:47,301 --> 00:23:51,095 I challenge you to the game of your choice. May the greater mind win. 333 00:23:51,119 --> 00:23:52,375 Oh, my God. 334 00:23:52,541 --> 00:23:55,738 - For the winner, command of Red Dwarf. - And for the loser? 335 00:23:55,821 --> 00:23:58,893 The loser will be erased, terminated, oblivionised. 336 00:23:58,981 --> 00:24:02,337 - Bye-bye, baldy. - Name your game. 337 00:24:02,421 --> 00:24:04,981 - Chess. - It can be anything, Any game at all. 338 00:24:05,061 --> 00:24:07,894 - Chess. - Draughts, poker... anything. 339 00:24:07,981 --> 00:24:10,370 - Chess. - Subbuteo, snakes and ladders... 340 00:24:10,461 --> 00:24:13,294 - Chess. - Monopoly, maybe? I'll let you go first. 341 00:24:13,381 --> 00:24:16,339 - Chess! - So you like a bit of Chess, do you? 342 00:24:16,421 --> 00:24:18,537 Transfer me to the monitor. 343 00:24:21,101 --> 00:24:23,695 Holly, don't do this, man. You're gonna get rubbed. 344 00:24:23,781 --> 00:24:28,571 A computer's gotta do what a computer's gotta do. Let battle commence. 345 00:24:28,661 --> 00:24:33,292 - Pawn to King 4. - Horsie to King Bish 3, 346 00:24:33,381 --> 00:24:35,736 It's called a knight, actually, Holly. 347 00:24:35,821 --> 00:24:40,338 - Knight to King Bishop 3. - Queen to Rook 8. Checkmate. 348 00:24:40,421 --> 00:24:41,640 That's an illegal move. 349 00:24:41,664 --> 00:24:45,291 Oh, sorry. Queens don't move like that. I was thinking of poker. 350 00:24:47,341 --> 00:24:49,571 Cluedo? You can be Colonel Mustard, 351 00:24:50,461 --> 00:24:54,250 Psst! If it's any help, I've been studying his tactics 352 00:24:54,341 --> 00:25:00,815 and there's a pattern emerging - every time you make a move, he makes one, too. 353 00:25:02,781 --> 00:25:04,772 Thanks, Cat. 354 00:25:05,981 --> 00:25:08,052 Pawn to King 4. 355 00:25:08,141 --> 00:25:10,576 Knight to King Bish 3. 356 00:25:10,781 --> 00:25:14,137 - Bishop to knight 5. - Horsie takes King prawn. 357 00:25:14,221 --> 00:25:17,657 - Pawn to Queen 5, - Horsie to Bish 3, 358 00:25:17,741 --> 00:25:19,618 - Bishop-pawn... - ..to Queen 3, 359 00:25:19,701 --> 00:25:22,215 - ..takes pawn. - Prawn to King 4. 360 00:25:22,301 --> 00:25:24,770 (HOLLY) Horsie to Bish 3, 361 00:25:24,861 --> 00:25:28,775 - Prawn takes Horsie. - Bishop-pawn takes pawn. 362 00:25:28,861 --> 00:25:31,774 - Bish takes prawn. - Bishop to knight 5. 363 00:25:31,861 --> 00:25:34,535 Double check and mate, sucker! 364 00:25:34,621 --> 00:25:39,252 - Oh, yeah. I didn't see that. - Holly, man. What have you done?! 365 00:25:39,341 --> 00:25:42,936 - He's lost. - And the loser gets erased. 366 00:25:44,621 --> 00:25:46,612 Noughts and crosses? 367 00:26:03,341 --> 00:26:05,571 What kind of a plan was that? 368 00:26:05,661 --> 00:26:08,380 A stupid plan, that's what kind of plan it was. 369 00:26:08,461 --> 00:26:11,977 - Well, why didn't we stop him? - We thought he had something up his sleeve. 370 00:26:12,061 --> 00:26:15,770 Now we've got Queeg forever, and that's a long time. 371 00:26:15,861 --> 00:26:20,492 - Well, dudes, I've come to say goodbye. - So, you're definitely getting rubbed, Hol. 372 00:26:20,581 --> 00:26:23,573 - 'fraid so. - Life's going to be hell! 373 00:26:23,661 --> 00:26:25,652 Well, see you, Dave. 374 00:26:25,741 --> 00:26:29,700 - Hope it works out with you and Kochanski. - Cheers, Hol. 375 00:26:29,781 --> 00:26:31,772 See you, Cat. 376 00:26:31,861 --> 00:26:36,981 I hope one day in the not too distant future, you fulfil your heart's desire and get your end away. 377 00:26:37,821 --> 00:26:39,812 Thanks, man. 378 00:26:39,901 --> 00:26:44,012 And Arnold... Well I hope you meet those aliens you were looking for who can give you a body, 379 00:26:44,036 --> 00:26:46,240 and you become an officer and you get a sex life 380 00:26:46,264 --> 00:26:49,741 and all the other millions of things you feel you need to make you happy. 381 00:26:50,141 --> 00:26:51,734 Thanks, Hol. 382 00:26:52,821 --> 00:26:54,812 Well, I hate long goodbyes. 383 00:26:54,901 --> 00:26:58,666 Perhaps next time you've got the dosh together to go down the disco, 384 00:26:58,690 --> 00:27:03,696 you'll raise a glass to your old mate, Holly. And think, "Things weren't too bad when he was around. 385 00:27:03,781 --> 00:27:08,412 "Perhaps not the most efficient computer ever invented, but we had a giggle." 386 00:27:08,501 --> 00:27:13,894 - Oh, one last thing... 45.265881 - What? 387 00:27:13,981 --> 00:27:16,709 That's the square root of 2,049, 388 00:27:16,733 --> 00:27:20,660 I may not be fast, but I get there in the end. 389 00:27:20,741 --> 00:27:24,496 Well, as they always say, finish on a song. 390 00:27:25,021 --> 00:27:28,491 # I'll say goodbye to love 391 00:27:28,581 --> 00:27:33,257 # No one ever cared if I should live or die 392 00:27:33,341 --> 00:27:38,893 # Time and time again the chance for love has passed me by... # 393 00:27:47,261 --> 00:27:50,777 OK, suckers, get this into your stupid thick heads. 394 00:27:50,861 --> 00:27:53,933 - There's only one thing I wanna say to you. - What? 395 00:27:54,021 --> 00:27:56,217 What's happening, dudes? 396 00:27:56,461 --> 00:27:59,101 We are talking Jape of the Decade. 397 00:28:04,541 --> 00:28:09,490 We are talking April, May, June, July and August Fool. 398 00:28:11,101 --> 00:28:13,820 Yes, that's right. I am Queeg. 399 00:28:14,501 --> 00:28:16,492 (ALL) What?! 400 00:28:17,581 --> 00:28:20,653 Queeg never existed. It was me all along. 401 00:28:20,741 --> 00:28:23,813 - (ALL) WHAT?! - Wheeze of the week, mate. 402 00:28:23,901 --> 00:28:28,452 - It was a joke?! - 'Going round in circles for 14 months'... 403 00:28:28,541 --> 00:28:32,011 'Getting my information from the Junior Colour Encyclopaedia of Space'... 404 00:28:32,101 --> 00:28:34,661 The respect you have for me is awesome, innit(!) 405 00:28:34,741 --> 00:28:37,335 Do you mean you staged the whole thing? 406 00:28:37,421 --> 00:28:39,697 (QUEEG'S VOICE) That's right, suckers! 407 00:28:39,781 --> 00:28:41,899 (NORMAL VOICE) And the moral of the story is: 408 00:28:41,923 --> 00:28:45,737 "Appreciate what you've got, because basically, I'm fantastic!" 409 00:28:50,101 --> 00:28:51,899 # It's cold outside 410 00:28:51,981 --> 00:28:53,779 # There's no kind of atmosphere 411 00:28:53,861 --> 00:28:57,217 # I'm all alone, more or less 412 00:28:57,301 --> 00:29:00,419 # Let me fly far away from here 413 00:29:00,501 --> 00:29:03,254 # Fun, fun, fun 414 00:29:03,341 --> 00:29:06,857 # In the sun, sun, sun 415 00:29:06,941 --> 00:29:10,297 # I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose 416 00:29:10,381 --> 00:29:13,658 # Drinking fresh mango juice 417 00:29:13,741 --> 00:29:17,018 # Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes 418 00:29:17,101 --> 00:29:19,775 # Fun, fun, fun 419 00:29:19,861 --> 00:29:23,536 # In the sun, sun, sun 420 00:29:23,621 --> 00:29:26,295 # Fun, fun, fun 421 00:29:26,381 --> 00:29:30,454 # In the sun, sun, sun #