1 00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:04,398 (POP MUSIC) 2 00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:14,917 # When I saw you for the first time # First time 3 00:00:15,581 --> 00:00:18,460 # My knees began to quiver # Quiver 4 00:00:18,541 --> 00:00:22,011 # And I got a funny feeling # Feeling 5 00:00:22,101 --> 00:00:26,015 # In my kidneys and my liver # Digestive system, baby 6 00:00:26,101 --> 00:00:29,492 # My hands they started shakin' # Shakin' 7 00:00:29,581 --> 00:00:32,812 # My heart began a-thumpin' # Boom, boom, boom! 8 00:00:32,901 --> 00:00:36,132 # My breakfast left my body # Huey, huey, huey 9 00:00:36,221 --> 00:00:38,735 # It all really tells me something 10 00:00:38,821 --> 00:00:41,176 # Girl, you make me tongue-tied # Tongue-tied 11 00:00:41,261 --> 00:00:42,899 # Tongue-tied 12 00:00:42,981 --> 00:00:46,258 # Whenever you are near me # Near me 13 00:00:46,341 --> 00:00:47,900 # Tied tongue # Tied tongue 14 00:00:47,981 --> 00:00:49,654 # Tied tongue # Tied tongue 15 00:00:49,741 --> 00:00:51,971 # Whenever you're in town 16 00:00:55,741 --> 00:00:58,859 # I saw you across the dance floor # Dancing 17 00:00:58,941 --> 00:01:02,775 # I thought of birds and bees # Reproductive system, baby 18 00:01:02,861 --> 00:01:05,933 # But when I tried to speak to you # Talk, talk 19 00:01:06,021 --> 00:01:09,651 # My tongue unravelled to my knees # Flippety-flippety-flop 20 00:01:09,741 --> 00:01:13,132 # I tried to say "I love you" # Love you 21 00:01:13,221 --> 00:01:16,851 # But it came out kind of wrong, girl # Wrong, girl 22 00:01:16,941 --> 00:01:18,932 # It sounded like, "Noo-noony-nee-noo" 23 00:01:19,021 --> 00:01:22,252 # Tongue-tied Na-ner-ner-ner-nee-nung, nirl 24 00:01:22,341 --> 00:01:25,015 # Because you make me tongue-tied # Tongue-tied 25 00:01:25,101 --> 00:01:26,694 # Tongue-tied 26 00:01:26,781 --> 00:01:30,092 # Whenever you are near me # Near me 27 00:01:30,181 --> 00:01:33,811 # Be-dobby-durgle, dobby-durgle # Tongue-tied, tongue-tied 28 00:01:33,901 --> 00:01:36,290 # Whenever you're around 29 00:01:41,821 --> 00:01:45,860 # Oh, I'm beggin' on my knees 30 00:01:45,941 --> 00:01:49,855 # Sweet, sweet darling, listen, please 31 00:01:49,941 --> 00:01:54,333 # Understand me when I say 32 00:01:54,941 --> 00:01:59,060 # Bedurble diggle doggle- dooby-doggle-durgle-day 33 00:02:00,381 --> 00:02:02,850 # I'm trying to say nungy-nangy # Nangy-nongy 34 00:02:02,941 --> 00:02:04,739 # Ningy-nongy 35 00:02:04,821 --> 00:02:07,893 # Why can't I tell you clearly? # Clearly 36 00:02:07,981 --> 00:02:09,813 # Be-dobby-durgle # Dobby--durgle 37 00:02:09,901 --> 00:02:11,619 # Durgle-dobby # Durgle-dobby 38 00:02:11,701 --> 00:02:13,374 # Whenever you're around... # 39 00:02:15,941 --> 00:02:18,501 - No, this isn't the one. - What isn't? 40 00:02:18,581 --> 00:02:23,212 I'm looking for this dream I had last month on the dream recorder. It was sensational. 41 00:02:23,301 --> 00:02:26,498 - What was it about? - Me, three girls 42 00:02:26,581 --> 00:02:29,141 and a family tub of banana yoghurt! 43 00:02:29,221 --> 00:02:32,452 You cats have a strange attitude to women, if you ask me. 44 00:02:32,541 --> 00:02:34,896 Say what, goalpost-head? 45 00:02:35,581 --> 00:02:39,461 It's all sex. There's no sense of settling down, having a long-term relationship. 46 00:02:39,541 --> 00:02:44,172 Hey, I want to settle down, and as soon as I find the right small group of girls, 47 00:02:44,261 --> 00:02:48,858 the seven or eight women who are right for me, my wandering days are over, buddy. 48 00:02:48,941 --> 00:02:50,932 You see? Totally maladjusted. 49 00:02:51,021 --> 00:02:53,854 That's rich, y'know? I mean coming from the man whose favourite book 50 00:02:53,941 --> 00:02:57,138 is "How To Pick Up Girls By Hypnosis". 51 00:02:57,221 --> 00:03:02,091 There's nothing wrong with that, Lister. It's a good book. Full of handy hints as well, and it works. 52 00:03:02,181 --> 00:03:04,172 Get outta town! 53 00:03:06,981 --> 00:03:09,370 That's how I met Lorraine. By hypnotising her. 54 00:03:09,461 --> 00:03:12,101 You hypnotised a girl into going out with you? 55 00:03:12,181 --> 00:03:17,301 Yes. I gave her the old "There's something in your eye" technique, 56 00:03:17,381 --> 00:03:23,093 fixed her with the Mesmer stare... and bingo, she agreed to come on a date. 57 00:03:23,181 --> 00:03:26,060 - What was wrong with her? - Nothing. 58 00:03:26,141 --> 00:03:29,418 Come on. A girl agreed to go out with you, and there was nothing wrong with her? 59 00:03:29,501 --> 00:03:32,300 Lister, she was an extremely attractive and bright young lady. 60 00:03:32,381 --> 00:03:34,372 Oh, well it MUST work, then. 61 00:03:34,461 --> 00:03:38,420 - Of course, she had an artificial nose. - What?! 62 00:03:38,501 --> 00:03:42,813 Oh, tastefully done. Quality metal, no rivets. 63 00:03:42,901 --> 00:03:48,021 - Come on, what happened? - Well, things were a bit stilted in the taxi. 64 00:03:48,101 --> 00:03:51,457 All my jokes about her nose hadn't gone down too well. 65 00:03:51,541 --> 00:03:56,854 They were good gag, quality gags, like, "Where are we going?" "Who nose?" 66 00:03:56,941 --> 00:03:58,932 No cheap shots. 67 00:03:59,021 --> 00:04:02,776 Anyway when we got to the restaurant, she must have had an attack of nerves or something. 68 00:04:02,861 --> 00:04:06,616 She said she was going to the loo and ended up climbing out of a toilet window. 69 00:04:06,701 --> 00:04:11,059 - I wonder why. - It's not because she didn't want to see me, Lister. 70 00:04:11,141 --> 00:04:14,213 She phoned the next day and said how much she'd love to come on another date with me, 71 00:04:14,301 --> 00:04:17,020 only, suddenly she had to move to Pluto. 72 00:04:17,101 --> 00:04:20,173 You're a sad weasel of a man, you know that, Rimmer? 73 00:04:20,261 --> 00:04:23,572 No, it's just I'm ill at ease with the opposite sex. 74 00:04:23,661 --> 00:04:27,734 It's because you see them as some alien species that need to be conquered with trickery. 75 00:04:27,821 --> 00:04:32,975 They're not, they're people. You don't need your books on hypnosis ...and what's that other one, what's the other one? 76 00:04:33,061 --> 00:04:35,621 "1001 Fabulous Chat-up Lines."? 77 00:04:35,701 --> 00:04:39,535 Lister, I do need that, it's brilliant, those chat-up lines are guaranteed. 78 00:04:39,621 --> 00:04:44,252 - There's no such thing. - All right. You be a woman, OK? 79 00:04:45,341 --> 00:04:50,541 Sort of... on your own in a bar, short leather miniskirt, peephole bra... 80 00:04:50,621 --> 00:04:52,612 OK. Go on. 81 00:04:52,701 --> 00:04:56,979 This is the most incredible chat-up line you've ever heard in your life, Guaranteed. 82 00:04:57,061 --> 00:04:59,575 - Go on. - OK... in a bar on your own... 83 00:05:01,861 --> 00:05:05,741 Excuse me, would you like to join me for a cocktail? 84 00:05:05,821 --> 00:05:08,654 - No. - You can't say no. 85 00:05:09,021 --> 00:05:12,696 - It doesn't work if you say no. You've got to say yes. - Oh, right. OK. Go on, go on... 86 00:05:14,381 --> 00:05:19,217 - So, would you like a wormdo? - What's that, then? 87 00:05:21,301 --> 00:05:23,815 - What's what? - A wormdo. 88 00:05:23,901 --> 00:05:27,860 - What about it? - Is this still the opening line? 89 00:05:27,941 --> 00:05:31,491 - Look, you're not giving me the right reply! - What IS the right reply?! 90 00:05:31,581 --> 00:05:34,505 I come up to you and say "Excuse me, would you like to join me in a cocktail?" 91 00:05:34,529 --> 00:05:35,495 You say "Yes". 92 00:05:35,581 --> 00:05:39,893 I say, "Would you like a wormdo?" You say, "What's a wormdo?" and I say... 93 00:05:39,981 --> 00:05:43,292 - "Oh, it wriggles along the ground like that." - You know it! 94 00:05:43,381 --> 00:05:48,137 Rimmer. You could not pull a rotten tooth out of a dead horse's head with that one. 95 00:05:48,221 --> 00:05:51,259 - Eureka. I've done it. - Done what? 96 00:05:51,341 --> 00:05:53,730 The Earl of Sandwich invented the sandwich. 97 00:05:53,821 --> 00:05:55,812 Samuel Morse invented the Morse Code, 98 00:05:55,901 --> 00:05:58,734 Plato invented the plate... 99 00:05:58,821 --> 00:06:02,860 and now I, Holly, have invented the Holly Hop Drive. 100 00:06:02,941 --> 00:06:08,300 - Ooh, I can't wait to see it (!) - It's monumental, this. It's epoch-making. 101 00:06:08,381 --> 00:06:12,295 The Holly Hop Drive can transfer any object instantly to any other point in space. 102 00:06:12,381 --> 00:06:16,170 - What? You mean we could go back to Earth? - In a matter of seconds. 103 00:06:16,261 --> 00:06:20,812 What, you mean we can go back to Earth, like, right now? This instant?! 104 00:06:20,901 --> 00:06:23,780 - Right on. - Rock and roll! 105 00:06:36,581 --> 00:06:39,892 - What, is this it?! - What do you think? 106 00:06:39,981 --> 00:06:43,611 It's just a box with "Stop" and "Start" on it! 107 00:06:45,341 --> 00:06:47,332 It's fairly straightforward. 108 00:06:48,061 --> 00:06:50,337 If you want to start it, press "Start"... 109 00:06:50,421 --> 00:06:53,891 You can work out the rest of the controls for yourself. 110 00:06:53,981 --> 00:06:56,973 It's absolutely pathetic. 111 00:06:57,421 --> 00:07:00,698 Right. Let's Holly Hop. Engage drive... 112 00:07:00,781 --> 00:07:03,500 Drive engaged. Initiating ignition sequence... 113 00:07:03,581 --> 00:07:06,892 - Ignition sequence initiated. - Get on with it. 114 00:07:06,981 --> 00:07:11,691 It takes time, this. One slight error in any of my 13 billion calculations, 115 00:07:11,781 --> 00:07:13,818 we'll all be blasted to smithereens. 116 00:07:13,901 --> 00:07:17,576 Here we go, then. Ten... Nine... Eight... 117 00:07:17,661 --> 00:07:20,301 - Six.. Five... - You missed out the seven. 118 00:07:21,101 --> 00:07:24,776 Did I? I've always had a bit of a blind spot with sevens. 119 00:07:25,901 --> 00:07:28,370 We're going to die. 120 00:07:30,381 --> 00:07:33,180 No problem. I'll start lower down. 121 00:07:34,181 --> 00:07:36,172 One... Blast off. 122 00:07:39,261 --> 00:07:41,616 We've done it. We're home. 123 00:07:41,701 --> 00:07:45,535 - It worked? - We're at Earth? You must be joking! 124 00:07:45,621 --> 00:07:47,897 Half a mo'... 125 00:07:48,661 --> 00:07:51,096 - It's gone, - What has? 126 00:07:51,181 --> 00:07:54,890 The Earth. It's missing. It's not there. 127 00:07:55,501 --> 00:07:59,381 Wait a minute. Sorry, I was looking out the wrong window. 128 00:08:00,781 --> 00:08:04,900 No. No, it HAS gone. The entire solar system is missing. 129 00:08:04,981 --> 00:08:09,930 - Well, what is actually out there? - Nothing. Just space. 130 00:08:10,021 --> 00:08:16,461 Holly, the thought occurs that we haven't actually reached Earth. 131 00:08:16,541 --> 00:08:21,251 The further thought occurs that we haven't actually budged a smegging inch. 132 00:08:22,621 --> 00:08:24,737 No, no, we have. 133 00:08:24,821 --> 00:08:28,940 It's just I don't know where we are. I've got to admit it, I've flamingoed up. 134 00:08:29,021 --> 00:08:33,618 - What? - Well, it's like a cock-up, only much, much bigger. 135 00:08:33,701 --> 00:08:36,534 Wait, there is something there. It's another ship. 136 00:08:36,621 --> 00:08:39,739 - Aliens! - (LISTER) Punch it up. 137 00:08:39,821 --> 00:08:43,860 - It looks like an exact copy of Red Dwarf. - Eh? So, what's happened? 138 00:08:43,941 --> 00:08:45,932 Well, somehow - don't ask me how - 139 00:08:46,021 --> 00:08:49,467 We've jumped into a parallel universe. We've entered the fifth dimension. 140 00:08:49,491 --> 00:08:51,016 What's the fifth dimension? 141 00:08:51,101 --> 00:08:55,140 Didn't they get to Number Six with "Baby, I Want Your Love Thing"? 142 00:08:55,221 --> 00:08:59,419 You've got your basic dimensions, right? - length, breadth, depth and time. 143 00:08:59,501 --> 00:09:01,856 The fifth dimension is co-existing realities, 144 00:09:01,941 --> 00:09:05,411 two bodies who share the same space, but are unaware of each other's existence. 145 00:09:05,501 --> 00:09:08,573 Sounds like my parents in bed. 146 00:09:09,221 --> 00:09:13,340 So, hang on, this is another Red Dwarf, with another Rimmer and Lister on board? 147 00:09:13,421 --> 00:09:15,157 Will they be exactly the same as us? 148 00:09:15,181 --> 00:09:18,416 No, there'll be differences. It's a parallel universe, innit? 149 00:09:18,501 --> 00:09:19,638 What do you mean? 150 00:09:19,662 --> 00:09:23,098 Well for instance, In this universe, it could be that Hitler won the Second World War 151 00:09:23,181 --> 00:09:27,573 it could be something even more incredible, like perhaps Ringo was a really good drummer. 152 00:09:27,661 --> 00:09:31,973 Hang on, I'm linking up with their onboard computer. 153 00:09:32,061 --> 00:09:35,611 - Hello, I'm Hilly. - Hello, I'm Holly. 154 00:09:35,701 --> 00:09:38,614 - Hello, Holly. - Hello, Hilly. 155 00:09:38,701 --> 00:09:43,730 This is a turn-up, innit You'd better boogie on over and we can sort it out. 156 00:09:43,821 --> 00:09:45,812 Right on, sis. 157 00:09:45,901 --> 00:09:48,370 - See you, Hol - See you, Hil 158 00:09:49,541 --> 00:09:51,532 I'm in there. 159 00:10:07,981 --> 00:10:12,134 It's identical in every detail to our Red Dwarf! 160 00:10:12,221 --> 00:10:16,499 Very funny smell around here that I don't like one bit. 161 00:10:16,581 --> 00:10:20,620 It smells like your moon boots, man. I'm going to get rid of it. 162 00:10:21,501 --> 00:10:23,492 That's mine. This is mine... 163 00:10:24,061 --> 00:10:27,019 So, where's the other Rimmer and Lister? 164 00:10:31,621 --> 00:10:33,897 So, you're not aliens. 165 00:10:33,981 --> 00:10:36,541 - Hi. - Hi. 166 00:10:40,541 --> 00:10:42,737 - How do you do? - How do you do? 167 00:10:42,821 --> 00:10:44,664 You must be Lister? 168 00:10:44,688 --> 00:10:46,530 - And you are, too. - Hope so. 169 00:10:46,621 --> 00:10:50,376 - You must be Rimmer. So am I. - Splendid. 170 00:10:50,461 --> 00:10:52,532 - Deb. - Dave. 171 00:10:52,621 --> 00:10:54,180 - Arnold. - Arlene. 172 00:10:54,261 --> 00:10:56,218 Indeedy! 173 00:11:12,301 --> 00:11:16,340 So, you come from a universe which is exactly the same as ours... Can I? 174 00:11:16,421 --> 00:11:18,014 Yeah. 175 00:11:21,781 --> 00:11:23,772 Only everything's... opposite? 176 00:11:23,861 --> 00:11:27,820 I don't know if everything's opposite. It seems like that. 177 00:11:27,901 --> 00:11:31,053 So, you come from a female-orientated society? 178 00:11:31,141 --> 00:11:34,372 Well, it's not exactly female-orientated any more, 179 00:11:34,461 --> 00:11:39,535 not since the '60s, y'know? With the "Equal Rights For Men" marches. 180 00:11:39,621 --> 00:11:41,817 You know, when they burned their jockstraps and all that? 181 00:11:41,901 --> 00:11:43,699 Stop! 182 00:11:43,781 --> 00:11:46,819 Haven't you read "The Male Eunuch" by Jeremy Greer? 183 00:11:46,901 --> 00:11:51,134 So, your history is parallel to ours, as well? 184 00:11:51,221 --> 00:11:54,293 So, hang on, erm, who was the first person on the moon? 185 00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:56,338 Nellie Armstrong. 186 00:11:57,581 --> 00:11:59,458 NELLIE Armstrong? 187 00:11:59,541 --> 00:12:03,250 - So... who wrote Hamlet? - Will Shakespeare. 188 00:12:03,341 --> 00:12:07,699 - Ah, so he was a bloke. - No, she was a woman. Wilma Shakespeare. 189 00:12:07,781 --> 00:12:12,332 Yes, she wrote all the greats - "Rachel III", "The Taming Of The Shrimp"... 190 00:12:12,421 --> 00:12:14,981 My God, what's this? 191 00:12:15,061 --> 00:12:18,338 - My Camera Monthly magazine. - Well, it's disgusting! 192 00:12:18,421 --> 00:12:22,733 It's full of semi-naked blokes draping themselves over sports cars. 193 00:12:22,821 --> 00:12:26,371 What's wrong with that? You're not one of those boring masculinists, are you? 194 00:12:28,101 --> 00:12:31,059 So, sexual attitudes are opposite, as well? 195 00:12:31,141 --> 00:12:33,735 What's that, my little cupcake? 196 00:12:33,821 --> 00:12:35,858 Your little what?! 197 00:12:35,941 --> 00:12:41,334 It just looks ridiculous! I mean, these models are deformed, hugely deformed. 198 00:12:41,421 --> 00:12:44,539 It makes one feel quite... inadequate. 199 00:12:45,661 --> 00:12:50,895 - Don't worry about that, my pretty. - Hey! Holograms can touch each other! 200 00:12:50,981 --> 00:12:55,930 Hey, hey hey hey! I hate to break up the party, but isn't there somebody missing? 201 00:12:56,021 --> 00:13:00,538 - How do you mean? - Well, Lister, female opposite. 202 00:13:00,621 --> 00:13:03,898 Rimmer, female opposite. Where's mine? 203 00:13:03,981 --> 00:13:07,178 Oh, right. Mooching around the cargo decks, I think. 204 00:13:07,261 --> 00:13:12,939 Aow! All my life I've waited for this moment, and now it has arrived! 205 00:13:13,021 --> 00:13:19,131 Hey listen, if you hear me screaming, do NOT, I repeat, do NOT come to the rescue! 206 00:13:19,221 --> 00:13:21,212 Aaaaooooow! 207 00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:24,293 # I'm gonna get you, little kitty... # 208 00:13:24,381 --> 00:13:27,772 - I think he's in for a bit of a shock. - Why? 209 00:13:27,861 --> 00:13:30,933 - His opposite isn't female. - What is it? 210 00:13:31,021 --> 00:13:33,012 It's a dog. 211 00:13:34,821 --> 00:13:37,540 Oh, Boy, oh, boy! Where'd they go? 212 00:13:37,621 --> 00:13:41,899 I get so dang panicky when they go off and leave me on my own like this. 213 00:13:41,981 --> 00:13:44,052 Damn these fleas! 214 00:13:44,261 --> 00:13:47,094 # I'm gonna get you, little kitty... 215 00:13:47,181 --> 00:13:50,697 # I'm gonna get you, little... # 216 00:13:55,141 --> 00:14:00,614 I don't know what that is, but I'm sure he wants to eat me. 217 00:14:01,381 --> 00:14:05,898 Well, trash my shorts, what a funny-looking dog! 218 00:14:05,981 --> 00:14:08,780 I'd better make myself look big! 219 00:14:09,501 --> 00:14:11,777 Put it there, buddy, put it right there! 220 00:14:11,861 --> 00:14:16,219 Goddamn! What kind of toothpaste does he use? Rotting meat flavour? 221 00:14:16,301 --> 00:14:19,931 Come on, now. I wanna be your buddy! 222 00:14:20,021 --> 00:14:25,255 Tell you what, I'm gonna smell your behind, then you can smell mine! 223 00:14:25,341 --> 00:14:29,653 - Now, is that a deal? - You wanna smell my WHAT?! 224 00:14:29,741 --> 00:14:32,859 Why, sure! Don't you wanna smell me? 225 00:14:32,941 --> 00:14:38,220 Man, I could smell you if you was on Mars! When's the last time you take a bath? 226 00:14:38,301 --> 00:14:40,895 - Oh, please, don't say that word! - What? Bath? 227 00:14:40,981 --> 00:14:46,897 You said it again! Now, listen up. If y'all gonna say that word in front of me, please spell it. 228 00:14:46,981 --> 00:14:50,815 When did you last you took a B-A-T-H? 229 00:14:51,341 --> 00:14:53,332 What's that? 230 00:14:53,821 --> 00:14:56,381 Yo, Cat... There you are. 231 00:14:56,461 --> 00:14:59,419 - Come on, we're going to the disco. - What? 232 00:14:59,501 --> 00:15:02,778 Yeah, Holly says it's gonna take about 17 hours to repair the Hop Drive, 233 00:15:02,861 --> 00:15:08,233 - so I thought we'd go and have a few... bevvies, like? - Yeah, yeah, yeah! Come on! 234 00:15:08,257 --> 00:15:09,374 - Yeees - Aaoooooowww. 235 00:15:13,061 --> 00:15:15,575 (DISCO MUSIC) 236 00:15:39,781 --> 00:15:42,091 Well, they seem to be getting on, don't they? 237 00:15:42,181 --> 00:15:45,173 - Yes. Absolutely. - Oh, yes. 238 00:15:45,261 --> 00:15:47,253 - Like a house of fire. - You can say that again. 239 00:15:47,277 --> 00:15:49,897 - Oh yes. - ...Yes. 240 00:15:49,941 --> 00:15:53,980 Mind you, we've got a pretty good conversation going on here. 241 00:15:54,061 --> 00:15:55,972 Oh, yes, yes. 242 00:15:56,061 --> 00:15:58,052 Absolutely. 243 00:15:58,141 --> 00:16:02,374 Funny, really. I'm not normally good at talking to the opposite sex. 244 00:16:02,461 --> 00:16:05,852 No, I'm not. I run out of things to say. 245 00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:10,892 Me, too. 246 00:16:14,701 --> 00:16:16,692 So, you're a girl, then? 247 00:16:21,541 --> 00:16:24,055 - Yes. - That's nice. 248 00:16:24,141 --> 00:16:28,419 Hang on. Haven't you got something in your eye? 249 00:16:30,821 --> 00:16:32,812 You're trying to hypnotise me, aren't you? 250 00:16:32,901 --> 00:16:34,633 - No, of course not. - Well, stop staring, then. 251 00:16:34,657 --> 00:16:36,037 - I'm not staring - Yes, you are. 252 00:16:36,061 --> 00:16:40,532 OK! I read it in this book. It's great for picking up bits of totty. 253 00:16:42,501 --> 00:16:45,459 Well, I'd hardly describe myself as "a bit of totty". 254 00:16:46,301 --> 00:16:48,656 Oh, yes! 255 00:16:48,741 --> 00:16:52,655 Totty, totty... totty. 256 00:16:52,741 --> 00:16:56,655 I- I think you've had rather too much to drink. I always get like this when I'm tanked up 257 00:16:56,741 --> 00:16:58,971 Come on. You're interested. 258 00:16:59,061 --> 00:17:02,691 - I assure you, I'm not. - Why are you giving me all the signs, then? 259 00:17:02,781 --> 00:17:06,217 - What signs? - Wearing such tight trousers? 260 00:17:06,301 --> 00:17:09,578 - They're not tight. - Course the are, you're begging for it. 261 00:17:10,541 --> 00:17:14,455 I'm not "totty" and I'm not begging for anything. 262 00:17:14,541 --> 00:17:19,297 Come on, give us a snog, I promise I won't try to take off your underpants. 263 00:17:19,381 --> 00:17:23,261 Look, I'm sorry, I'm just not that kind of... boy. 264 00:17:26,381 --> 00:17:28,179 Frigid! 265 00:17:29,701 --> 00:17:32,500 You're disgusting! You're only after me for one thing! 266 00:17:32,581 --> 00:17:35,050 Why? How many have you got? 267 00:17:39,261 --> 00:17:41,252 You're a great conversationalist, you know that? 268 00:17:41,341 --> 00:17:45,653 - I am. But I ain't said nothin' yet... - Yeah, that's what I like best. 269 00:17:45,741 --> 00:17:49,291 - Yo, Listen. I'm going to the bar, do you want anything? - Yeah, I'll have a grenade, Thank you. 270 00:17:49,381 --> 00:17:52,692 - A grenade? - Yeah. I wanna play fetch with the dog. 271 00:17:57,981 --> 00:18:01,457 Listie! How are you, my old mate. Come and join us. 272 00:18:01,481 --> 00:18:03,701 Please, God, come and join us! 273 00:18:04,261 --> 00:18:06,252 I won't be long. 274 00:18:08,701 --> 00:18:13,935 If you want to keep your beer cool, stick it between his legs. 275 00:18:15,901 --> 00:18:18,051 What was all that about? 276 00:18:18,141 --> 00:18:21,771 - That's the most awful woman I've ever met. - She's you. 277 00:18:21,861 --> 00:18:23,852 She's absolutely repugnant. 278 00:18:23,941 --> 00:18:26,588 She doesn't treat me like I'm a normal human being at all. 279 00:18:26,612 --> 00:18:29,539 She seems to regard me as some sort of discardable sex object. 280 00:18:29,621 --> 00:18:34,331 - She's the female equivalent of you. - Nonsense. She's maladjusted. 281 00:18:34,421 --> 00:18:39,814 Trust my luck to end up with El Weirdo, while you trap off with the one with the juicy jugs. 282 00:18:39,901 --> 00:18:44,975 See! I mean, she thinks of men the exact same way you think of women. It's disgusting. 283 00:18:45,061 --> 00:18:49,100 She accused me of wiggling my bottom in a provocative way. 284 00:18:49,181 --> 00:18:52,617 I was just walking! Can I help it if I happen to be sexy? 285 00:18:53,301 --> 00:18:56,134 - What's the other one like? - Totally gross. 286 00:18:56,221 --> 00:18:58,735 She's unbelievable. She tried to impress me 287 00:18:58,821 --> 00:19:02,894 by drinking six pints of lager, then belching the whole of "Yankee Doodle Dandy". 288 00:19:03,981 --> 00:19:06,052 That's your party piece, isn't it? 289 00:19:06,141 --> 00:19:09,259 Yeah, but when I do it, it's really stylish, man. 290 00:19:09,341 --> 00:19:11,139 (BELCHES) 291 00:19:11,221 --> 00:19:13,019 Class. 292 00:19:13,781 --> 00:19:17,456 - Do you think you'll, er...? - What? 293 00:19:17,541 --> 00:19:19,532 Get outta town! 294 00:19:19,621 --> 00:19:22,185 I mean, she's a good laugh and all that. But all she wants to do 295 00:19:22,209 --> 00:19:25,060 is get, like completely blitzed out of her brains and eat vindaloos. 296 00:19:25,141 --> 00:19:29,021 I mean, call me crazy, but I just don't find that attractive. 297 00:19:29,101 --> 00:19:32,457 - How you getting on then? - Well, put it this way, 298 00:19:32,541 --> 00:19:36,375 there'll be two pairs of shoes under the bed tonight. 299 00:19:36,461 --> 00:19:38,293 Wallop, eh? 300 00:19:38,381 --> 00:19:43,854 He doesn't look too interested to me. He looks more sort of, er... petrified. 301 00:19:43,941 --> 00:19:48,936 Oh, he just doesn't want me to think he's the ship's bike, but I'm getting the signs. 302 00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:54,733 He crossed his legs and made pretty damn sure I saw that he was wearing sock suspenders. Phwoar! 303 00:19:54,821 --> 00:20:00,533 - Rimmer, he's not interested. - Maybe not now, but wait till I hit him with the wormdo line. 304 00:20:01,461 --> 00:20:03,452 Hey, do you want to dance? 305 00:20:03,541 --> 00:20:08,934 Boy, I tell you, when I hit the dance floor, I am one mean turkey! Do you dance? 306 00:20:09,021 --> 00:20:13,299 Do I dance? Does Carmen Miranda wear fruit? 307 00:20:14,461 --> 00:20:17,658 Alrighty! You lead on, boy. 308 00:20:17,741 --> 00:20:20,574 Hold this, Fido. 309 00:20:26,901 --> 00:20:30,656 You call that dancing? No way, José! 310 00:20:30,741 --> 00:20:32,732 This is dancing! 311 00:20:38,261 --> 00:20:39,854 (HOWLS) 312 00:20:39,941 --> 00:20:41,932 Well, whaddya think, huh? 313 00:20:45,541 --> 00:20:50,456 - Oh, ey. Another dead heat. - Again, That's eight dead heats on the run. 314 00:20:50,541 --> 00:20:53,818 - Listie, I want to speak to Holly. - Sure. 315 00:20:53,901 --> 00:20:56,541 Holly, how long before the Hop Drive's fixed? When can we get out of here? 316 00:20:56,621 --> 00:21:00,933 We're busy fixing it right now, aren't we, Hilly? 317 00:21:01,021 --> 00:21:04,616 Yes we are Holly. Very busy fixing it right now. That's exactly what we're doing. 318 00:21:04,701 --> 00:21:08,899 - What's that mark on your face, Hol. - What face? 319 00:21:08,981 --> 00:21:13,339 - The lipstick mark. - That's not a lipstick mark. That's a computer rash. 320 00:21:13,421 --> 00:21:16,095 Holly, just get the Hop Drive fixed and get me out of here. 321 00:21:16,181 --> 00:21:19,412 What's the matter? Aren't you having a good time? 322 00:21:19,501 --> 00:21:21,538 A good time?! 323 00:21:21,621 --> 00:21:23,612 Lister... (CLEARS THROAT) 324 00:21:23,701 --> 00:21:27,410 I'm going to bed now, by myself, on my own, alone. 325 00:21:27,501 --> 00:21:30,857 If she comes back, tell her I've got a headache or something. 326 00:21:30,941 --> 00:21:33,653 - Why, where's she gone? - She's gone to get some sexy videos. 327 00:21:33,677 --> 00:21:38,216 She seems to think seeing two men together might turn me on. 328 00:21:38,301 --> 00:21:42,340 - Where are you sleeping? - I'm not telling you. It's too risky. 329 00:21:42,421 --> 00:21:44,837 Come on, what are you, are you a man or a munchkin? 330 00:21:44,861 --> 00:21:47,860 # I'm off to see the wizard... The Wonderful Wizard Of Oz... # 331 00:21:50,701 --> 00:21:54,296 Oh, are we ready, then? OK, after three... Three! 332 00:21:54,381 --> 00:21:56,179 Ha! Beat you! 333 00:22:10,901 --> 00:22:14,656 Oh, did I get drunk or did I get drunk? 334 00:22:16,941 --> 00:22:18,739 Oh, no. 335 00:22:19,781 --> 00:22:23,820 Oh, did I get drunk or did I get drunk? 336 00:22:23,901 --> 00:22:25,300 Hi. 337 00:22:25,381 --> 00:22:28,134 - Hi. - Listen. Did we, erm...? 338 00:22:28,821 --> 00:22:30,812 I can't remember. 339 00:22:30,901 --> 00:22:37,091 I can remember betting you that I could climb the disco wall using only me lips... 340 00:22:38,701 --> 00:22:43,457 And then... Oh, God, I juggled the goldfish, didn't I? 341 00:22:44,381 --> 00:22:46,179 Blindfold. 342 00:22:46,701 --> 00:22:48,499 And then... 343 00:22:49,501 --> 00:22:51,651 Oh, eh. we did, didn't we? 344 00:22:51,741 --> 00:22:54,460 You pieces of filth. 345 00:22:54,541 --> 00:22:58,250 How could you commit an act of carnal knowledge...? 346 00:22:58,341 --> 00:23:01,572 ..on my bunk, on my sheets, using my springs? 347 00:23:01,661 --> 00:23:04,813 How could you contemplate making love to yourself? 348 00:23:04,901 --> 00:23:08,610 Well, why break a habit of a lifetime? 349 00:23:09,901 --> 00:23:13,337 Leave it out! I was gonzoed. Man, I was out of me skull. 350 00:23:13,421 --> 00:23:15,537 Oh hey, what's that supposed to mean? 351 00:23:15,621 --> 00:23:20,013 I wouldn't have slept with you if I'd known what I was doing. 352 00:23:20,101 --> 00:23:23,253 - Thanks a lot! - I hope you get pregnant. 353 00:23:23,341 --> 00:23:26,697 No offence, man. But you're not exactly "Mr Difficult To Pull" are you? 354 00:23:26,781 --> 00:23:28,772 Talk about a pushover! 355 00:23:28,861 --> 00:23:32,616 Oh, That's rich coming from Miss Yo-Yo Knickers. 356 00:23:34,541 --> 00:23:39,012 I hope you get pregnant, you cheap little tart! 357 00:23:39,101 --> 00:23:42,173 - You what? - Er, him? How can he get pregnant? 358 00:23:42,261 --> 00:23:45,856 Well, if they didn't use precautions, he could be up the spout. 359 00:23:45,941 --> 00:23:50,299 - But it's women who get pregnant! - Since when? 360 00:23:50,381 --> 00:23:53,612 Since always! Me mother was a woman! 361 00:23:53,701 --> 00:23:56,773 Ooooh, Listie! 362 00:23:56,861 --> 00:24:00,138 Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Oh, dear! 363 00:24:00,221 --> 00:24:05,295 If I'm understanding correctly, it appears that in their universe, 364 00:24:05,381 --> 00:24:08,339 it's the men who give birth to the babies. 365 00:24:08,421 --> 00:24:14,861 As we are in their universe, you could very well possibly be up the duff, laddie! 366 00:24:16,101 --> 00:24:20,379 - Come on, I'm not buying this. This is a wind-up! - Don't get emotional. Not in your condition! 367 00:24:22,021 --> 00:24:26,060 It's impossible! I haven't got the... the equipment, have I? 368 00:24:26,141 --> 00:24:29,736 Course you have. You're in our universe. Our physical law applies. 369 00:24:29,821 --> 00:24:32,620 Shut up! Holly, tell me this isn't true. 370 00:24:32,701 --> 00:24:38,060 - I'm afraid it is... Mum. - How could you do this to me? 371 00:24:38,141 --> 00:24:41,975 - Do what? - Fertilise me. Take advantage of me, 372 00:24:42,061 --> 00:24:45,417 knowing I was drunk, I didn't have precautions. 373 00:24:45,501 --> 00:24:50,735 Listen, I assumed you'd taken care of that side of things. It's the man's responsibility. 374 00:24:50,821 --> 00:24:56,100 It's the man who gets pregnant. It's the man who has to suffer the agony of childbirth. 375 00:24:56,181 --> 00:24:59,378 Agony? This gets better and better! 376 00:24:59,461 --> 00:25:05,537 - Look, What do you want me to do? I'm sorry, OK? - Sorry? That's it? Sorry? 377 00:25:05,621 --> 00:25:07,817 Wham, bam, thank you, mister? 378 00:25:09,181 --> 00:25:13,379 Well, there's no point standing around arguing about it. If it's happened, it's happened. 379 00:25:13,461 --> 00:25:16,499 Yeah, We'd better get back. I've fixed the Hop Drive. 380 00:25:16,581 --> 00:25:20,131 No, we can't go now, Hol! She could be the father of my child! 381 00:25:20,301 --> 00:25:23,976 - If we don't go back now, we won't be abel to get back at all. - Listen... 382 00:25:24,061 --> 00:25:27,497 Just because it's possible for you to get pregnant, 383 00:25:27,581 --> 00:25:30,414 it doesn't mean you necessarily are. 384 00:25:30,501 --> 00:25:32,492 You might get lucky. 385 00:25:38,821 --> 00:25:40,971 But then again, you might not. 386 00:25:41,061 --> 00:25:44,417 we'll find out when we get back, won't we, Listie? 387 00:25:44,581 --> 00:25:46,572 Engaging Holly Hop... 388 00:25:46,661 --> 00:25:48,652 Holly Hop engaged. 389 00:25:48,741 --> 00:25:51,574 Four... Three... One... Blast off. 390 00:25:58,061 --> 00:26:02,453 I don't know why I'm going through with this. It's just not possible! 391 00:26:02,541 --> 00:26:05,420 Why is it not possible? Male baboons have given birth. 392 00:26:05,501 --> 00:26:10,257 They were doing that as far back as the 20th century. Caesarean, naturally. 393 00:26:10,341 --> 00:26:12,537 (MAKES SLASHING AND THUDDING SOUNDS) 394 00:26:14,221 --> 00:26:17,976 Still, Lister. You'll be in good hands. The Skutters will be able to handle a simple Caesarian. 395 00:26:18,061 --> 00:26:22,259 Skutters?! I wouldn't let them open a can of beans. 396 00:26:22,341 --> 00:26:24,810 You're thinking too negative! 397 00:26:24,901 --> 00:26:30,101 Think of all the glorious, beautiful, wondrous things about having children! 398 00:26:30,181 --> 00:26:32,821 - Like? - Like when they grow up and leave home. 399 00:26:34,341 --> 00:26:38,733 - What colour's it supposed to turn? - Blue for not pregnant... which is the colour it's going to turn. 400 00:26:38,821 --> 00:26:40,971 - And red for pregnant? - Yeah. 401 00:26:41,061 --> 00:26:43,860 Come on, you reds! 402 00:26:44,621 --> 00:26:47,852 - What colour is it now? - Er, it's still white. 403 00:26:47,941 --> 00:26:53,619 Oi. I've just had a thought. Remember when we broke the light barrier and saw those echoes from the future? 404 00:26:53,701 --> 00:26:57,296 - Yeah. - And we saw your future self with twin boys. 405 00:26:57,381 --> 00:27:01,420 Right. And I said, "How is it possible to get two babies without a woman on board?" 406 00:27:01,501 --> 00:27:05,540 And you said, "I don't know, but it's going to be a lot of fun finding out." 407 00:27:05,621 --> 00:27:09,615 - How right you were, Listie! - Twins? No way, Rimmer. Not twins. 408 00:27:09,701 --> 00:27:13,296 Oh, yes! Big, bonny, strapping, bouncing boys they were, as well. 409 00:27:13,381 --> 00:27:15,372 Huge heads. 410 00:27:16,381 --> 00:27:18,577 - It's changing colour! - What colour? 411 00:27:18,661 --> 00:27:20,811 - Yes it is, it's changing colour! - Yeah, but what colour? 412 00:27:20,901 --> 00:27:22,973 - Yes, it's changing colour! - WHAT COLOUR?! 413 00:27:22,997 --> 00:27:24,117 It's blue for not pregnant, right? 414 00:27:24,141 --> 00:27:26,701 - Yes! - Oh, good news, excellent news, Listie! 415 00:27:26,781 --> 00:27:29,739 - Oh, thank God! - I'm going to be an uncle. 416 00:27:34,261 --> 00:27:36,059 # It's cold outside 417 00:27:36,141 --> 00:27:37,939 # There's no kind of atmosphere 418 00:27:38,021 --> 00:27:41,377 # I'm all alone, more or less 419 00:27:41,461 --> 00:27:44,579 # Let me fly far away from here 420 00:27:44,661 --> 00:27:47,414 # Fun, fun, fun 421 00:27:47,501 --> 00:27:51,017 # In the sun, sun, sun 422 00:27:51,101 --> 00:27:54,457 # I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose 423 00:27:54,541 --> 00:27:57,818 # Drinking fresh mango juice 424 00:27:57,901 --> 00:28:01,178 # Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes 425 00:28:01,261 --> 00:28:03,935 # Fun, fun, fun 426 00:28:04,021 --> 00:28:07,696 # In the sun, sun, sun 427 00:28:07,781 --> 00:28:10,455 # Fun, fun, fun 428 00:28:10,541 --> 00:28:14,614 # In the sun, sun, sun #