1 00:00:07,320 --> 00:00:09,311 (RED DWARF THEME) 2 00:00:43,261 --> 00:00:46,572 (HOLLY) Abandon ship! Abandon ship! Black hole approaching. 3 00:00:46,741 --> 00:00:48,971 This is not a drill. THIS is a drill... 4 00:00:49,141 --> 00:00:50,540 (DRILLING) 5 00:00:50,781 --> 00:00:53,375 Abandon ship! Oh, God! Now the siren's bust. 6 00:00:53,581 --> 00:00:56,300 Awooga! Awooga! Abandon ship! 7 00:00:56,981 --> 00:01:01,762 But a black hole is a huge, impacted star. It's millions of miles wide. 8 00:01:01,786 --> 00:01:04,415 It's massive! Why didn't you see anything on the radar screen? 9 00:01:04,621 --> 00:01:06,897 Well, the thing about a black hole, 10 00:01:07,061 --> 00:01:09,940 its main distinguishing feature, is it's black! 11 00:01:10,101 --> 00:01:12,854 And the thing about space, the colour of space, 12 00:01:13,021 --> 00:01:16,093 your basic space colour...is it's black! 13 00:01:16,261 --> 00:01:19,891 - How are you supposed to see them? - But five of them... 14 00:01:20,061 --> 00:01:23,770 How can you be ambushed by five black holes? 15 00:01:25,021 --> 00:01:26,172 It's always the way, innit? 16 00:01:26,196 --> 00:01:29,413 We've been in deep space for three million years and there hasn't been one. 17 00:01:29,581 --> 00:01:32,334 Then all of a sudden, five turn up at once! 18 00:01:32,981 --> 00:01:35,257 Come on. We've only got 20 minutes. 19 00:01:35,421 --> 00:01:37,725 Careful, careful! Mind the hatchway, don't knock it. 20 00:01:37,749 --> 00:01:40,052 What did you want to bring this piece of junk for? 21 00:01:40,221 --> 00:01:43,612 That "piece of junk" happens to be a Javanese camphor-wood chest. 22 00:01:43,781 --> 00:01:46,455 It belonged to my father and it's got all my valuables in it. 23 00:01:46,661 --> 00:01:51,497 I never knew you had so much crap! What's this? Toy soldiers? 24 00:01:52,061 --> 00:01:55,179 "Toy soldiers"? They've been in our family for years. 25 00:01:55,341 --> 00:01:59,050 They're priceless 19th Century replicas of Napoleon's Armée du Nord. 26 00:01:59,261 --> 00:02:02,891 So you can't change the clothes and that like you can with Sindy? 27 00:02:03,101 --> 00:02:08,175 - Look, we've got barely 15 minutes. - What the smeg is this?! 28 00:02:08,461 --> 00:02:10,725 Just what little I've managed to scrimp and scrape 29 00:02:10,749 --> 00:02:13,012 by tossing the odd copper aside for a rainy day. 30 00:02:13,221 --> 00:02:14,520 Rimmer, there must be 20 grand here... 31 00:02:14,544 --> 00:02:16,976 24. Look, I thought we were supposed to be getting off the ship? 32 00:02:17,181 --> 00:02:21,732 24,000!... And you had the front to borrow money off me 33 00:02:21,901 --> 00:02:24,814 to buy ME a birthday present! 34 00:02:25,461 --> 00:02:28,738 That's going back a bit, Lister. It was only 15 quid. 35 00:02:28,901 --> 00:02:34,658 Right yeah, 15 quid. And what did I get? A five-quid book token. 36 00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:38,257 Those cards aren't free, you know. I had to fork out for that as well. 37 00:02:38,421 --> 00:02:40,697 Rimmer, you never even paid me back. 38 00:02:40,861 --> 00:02:43,853 Honestly, you're tighter than an Italian waiter's keks. 39 00:02:44,781 --> 00:02:46,772 Blue Midget is loaded. 40 00:02:46,941 --> 00:02:49,410 - Aren't you guys ready yet? - Don't hang around for us, we'll catch you up. 41 00:02:49,581 --> 00:02:53,051 - Are you sure you've got everything? - Just the bare essentials: food and medical supplies. 42 00:02:53,261 --> 00:02:56,094 Yeah, I'm just taking the bare essentials, too - 36 changes of clothing 43 00:02:56,261 --> 00:02:58,252 and ten full-length dress mirrors. 44 00:02:58,901 --> 00:03:01,654 Cat, we're going to be away for 12 hours. 45 00:03:02,341 --> 00:03:07,495 - You think I need more mirrors? - Let's get out of here. Let's go, go, go! 46 00:03:12,221 --> 00:03:16,180 - Right, I want a safe, sensible drive. No stunts. - No worries. 47 00:03:22,581 --> 00:03:24,396 (HOLLY) OK, this is the plan... 48 00:03:24,420 --> 00:03:26,540 I'll navigate Red Dwarf through the minefield of black holes. 49 00:03:26,701 --> 00:03:29,739 If all goes well, we'll rendezvous on the desert moon Sigma-14D. 50 00:03:29,901 --> 00:03:32,017 (LISTER) But what happens if all *doesn't* go well? 51 00:03:32,181 --> 00:03:36,015 (HOLLY) Well, Red Dwarf and everything in it will be compacted down to the size of a garden pea. 52 00:03:36,461 --> 00:03:38,452 (LISTER) Bye-bye, Birdseye. 53 00:03:44,821 --> 00:03:47,654 - Please, honestly, they're priceless! - I'm only having a goosie. 54 00:03:47,821 --> 00:03:50,813 Look, If you get curry all over them, how's that going to look? 55 00:03:50,981 --> 00:03:54,611 What's Lt. Gen. Baron Jaquinaux of the First Cavalry Division supposed to be doing 56 00:03:54,781 --> 00:03:57,375 with meat vindaloo all over his tunic? 57 00:03:57,541 --> 00:04:02,058 It'll make him look more authentic. People'll think he's got dysentery. 58 00:04:02,941 --> 00:04:05,376 You're obsessed with war though, aren't you? 59 00:04:05,541 --> 00:04:08,294 I mean you collect toy soldiers. You play war games. 60 00:04:08,461 --> 00:04:10,896 You read those stupid combat magazines. 61 00:04:11,061 --> 00:04:15,532 And half your books are about Patton and Caesar and various other gits. 62 00:04:15,781 --> 00:04:17,931 It's about leadership. That's what I admire. 63 00:04:18,141 --> 00:04:22,374 It's just so ironic really when, deep down, you're such a basic natural coward. 64 00:04:23,301 --> 00:04:26,498 - Coward?! - Planet leave. Miranda. 65 00:04:26,661 --> 00:04:28,652 That space bar "The Hacienda"? Remember that? 66 00:04:28,821 --> 00:04:31,017 When that fight started up Rimmer, you were out of that door 67 00:04:31,181 --> 00:04:34,378 quicker than a whippet with a bumful of dynamite. 68 00:04:34,581 --> 00:04:37,619 That was a bar room brawl, that was a common pub fight, 69 00:04:37,781 --> 00:04:39,818 a shambolic drunken set-to. 70 00:04:40,381 --> 00:04:42,895 Which you started. 71 00:04:43,341 --> 00:04:45,491 I just made an innocuous comment. 72 00:04:45,661 --> 00:04:48,653 I merely voiced the rumour that MacWilliams was sexually tilted 73 00:04:48,821 --> 00:04:51,495 in favour of sleeping with the dead. 74 00:04:51,661 --> 00:04:54,221 I didn't start the rumour. I merely voiced it. 75 00:04:54,421 --> 00:04:57,379 To his face. Right to his face. 76 00:04:57,541 --> 00:05:00,454 When he was with his four biggest mates. 77 00:05:00,621 --> 00:05:04,091 Then you do a Roadrunner act and you leave me to face the music. 78 00:05:04,301 --> 00:05:05,302 Well, I could've got hurt! 79 00:05:05,326 --> 00:05:07,692 (SCOFFS) You'd've made a brilliant general, wouldn't you? 80 00:05:07,901 --> 00:05:11,656 Lister, Generals don't smash chairs over people's heads. 81 00:05:11,821 --> 00:05:14,415 They don't get Newcastle Brown bottles, stick them in your face 82 00:05:14,581 --> 00:05:17,494 and say, "Stitch that, Jimmy." 83 00:05:17,821 --> 00:05:22,292 Generals are in the nice white tent on the hill, sipping Sancerre, directing the battle. 84 00:05:22,461 --> 00:05:26,136 - They're men of honour. - I don't believe it. You make war sound romantic. 85 00:05:26,341 --> 00:05:30,050 I'll tell you something, something I've never told anyone. 86 00:05:30,221 --> 00:05:35,694 When I was 15, I went on a school trip to Macedonia to the site of Alexander the Great's palace. 87 00:05:35,861 --> 00:05:40,412 And for the first time in my whole life, I felt... I felt I was home. 88 00:05:40,581 --> 00:05:43,095 This palace was where I belonged. 89 00:05:43,261 --> 00:05:47,812 Years later, I got friendly with a hypnotherapist, Donald. 90 00:05:48,021 --> 00:05:53,255 I told him about the Alexander The Great thing, and he said he could regress me back through my past lives. 91 00:05:53,461 --> 00:05:55,975 I was dubious, but I let him put me back. 92 00:05:56,541 --> 00:05:59,215 It turned out my instincts were absolutely correct. 93 00:05:59,381 --> 00:06:03,773 I had lived a past life in Macedonia. That palace WAS my home. 94 00:06:03,941 --> 00:06:06,979 Because, you see Lister, believe it or not, 95 00:06:07,141 --> 00:06:10,611 he told me that in a previous incarnation, 96 00:06:10,781 --> 00:06:14,979 I was Alexander the Great's chief eunuch. 97 00:06:17,701 --> 00:06:20,819 Do you know something? I believe you. 98 00:06:21,581 --> 00:06:24,095 He didn't say I was Alexander the Great himself, 99 00:06:24,261 --> 00:06:27,970 which is obviously what I wanted to hear, but it explained everything. 100 00:06:28,141 --> 00:06:31,213 I'd lived a past life alongside one of the greatest generals in history. 101 00:06:31,381 --> 00:06:35,295 - No wonder the military is in my blood. - No wonder you're such a good singer. 102 00:06:35,941 --> 00:06:39,237 Well, maybe it's tot, I don't know. But it's funny, even to this day, 103 00:06:39,261 --> 00:06:42,497 I can't look at a pair of nutcrackers without wincing. 104 00:06:43,541 --> 00:06:46,294 And why is it every time I'm with a large group of women, 105 00:06:46,461 --> 00:06:50,898 I have this overwhelming urge to bathe them in warm olive oil. 106 00:06:51,101 --> 00:06:55,140 Rimmer, I have that urge. It's got nothing to do with past lives. 107 00:06:56,741 --> 00:07:00,450 - Well, why is it, then? - It's because you're unhappy. 108 00:07:00,621 --> 00:07:05,218 You're unhappy with your own boring, humdrum, weaselly existence. 109 00:07:06,901 --> 00:07:11,372 You're looking for something with a bit more - oh, I don't know - glamour. 110 00:07:11,541 --> 00:07:13,930 Now is what counts, Rimmer, living for today. 111 00:07:14,221 --> 00:07:15,804 I mean, Who knows what's gonna happen tomorrow? 112 00:07:15,828 --> 00:07:17,758 Who knows what's gonna happen in the next five minutes? 113 00:07:17,782 --> 00:07:19,091 That's what makes life so exciting. 114 00:08:00,061 --> 00:08:00,913 Arrrgh!! 115 00:08:00,937 --> 00:08:01,937 Oof!! 116 00:08:09,061 --> 00:08:10,495 (SQUEALS) 117 00:08:21,461 --> 00:08:26,058 Mayday. Mayday. Can you read me? Come in, please. Can you read me? 118 00:08:29,981 --> 00:08:32,177 Still snowing, is it? 119 00:08:32,381 --> 00:08:35,976 It's useless. You can hardly stand up, never mind dig it out. 120 00:08:36,181 --> 00:08:38,650 - No luck? - Nothing's getting through. 121 00:08:38,861 --> 00:08:44,140 Three smegging days. They must be looking for us by now. Where the smeg are they? 122 00:08:44,341 --> 00:08:48,699 It's impossible to find us in this weather, they could be ten feet away and walk straight past us. 123 00:08:48,901 --> 00:08:52,337 We're going to die, aren't we? How much food is there? 124 00:08:52,541 --> 00:08:55,977 There's half a bag of soggy smoky bacon crisps, 125 00:08:56,141 --> 00:09:00,897 a tin of mustard powder, three water biscuits, 126 00:09:01,061 --> 00:09:03,530 a brown lemon, two bottles of vinegar 127 00:09:03,701 --> 00:09:07,296 and a tube of Bonjela gum ointment. 128 00:09:08,821 --> 00:09:11,574 - Gum ointment? - I found it in the first-aid box. 129 00:09:11,741 --> 00:09:14,017 It's that minty flavour. It's quite nice. 130 00:09:14,581 --> 00:09:17,334 It's quite nice if you smear it on your mouth ulcer, Rimmer. 131 00:09:17,501 --> 00:09:20,732 - You can't sit down and eat it. - You may have to. 132 00:09:20,941 --> 00:09:25,139 - That's it? There's nothing else? - Just a Pot Noodle... 133 00:09:25,301 --> 00:09:27,815 Oh, and I found a tin of dog food in the tool cupboard. 134 00:09:28,021 --> 00:09:30,376 Well, it's obvious what gets eaten last, then isn't it? 135 00:09:30,541 --> 00:09:32,851 I can't stand Pot Noodles. 136 00:09:33,941 --> 00:09:37,332 We're going to die, aren't we? Correction: I'M going to die. 137 00:09:37,541 --> 00:09:40,215 I mean, you're a hologram. You're already dead. You don't need food. 138 00:09:40,381 --> 00:09:43,294 - Did you find any wood? - There's no wood out there. 139 00:09:43,461 --> 00:09:46,499 There's no vegetation. Smeg all. Just a wasteland. 140 00:09:46,701 --> 00:09:49,614 You've got to keep this fire going. It's your only form of heat 141 00:09:49,821 --> 00:09:52,256 I'm going to die, aren't I? 142 00:09:52,421 --> 00:09:54,412 God, I'm hungry. I'm gonna have crisps. 143 00:09:54,581 --> 00:09:55,980 - No! - Just one. 144 00:09:56,181 --> 00:09:58,536 You ate less than 16 hours ago. 145 00:09:59,821 --> 00:10:03,974 I had a raw sprout and that piece of chewing gum I found stuck under the desk! 146 00:10:04,181 --> 00:10:07,378 Look, you've got to pace yourself. Go to sleep. Wait till tomorrow. 147 00:10:07,581 --> 00:10:11,893 It's OK for you, you're a hologram. You don't need to eat. You don't even feel the cold. 148 00:10:12,101 --> 00:10:15,571 Look, think of something else. Try to take your mind off it. 149 00:10:16,901 --> 00:10:18,892 Mayday. Mayday. 150 00:10:19,381 --> 00:10:21,816 - I wonder they call it "Mayday"? - Eh? 151 00:10:21,981 --> 00:10:25,770 The distress call. I wonder why it's "Mayday"? It's only a bank holiday. 152 00:10:25,941 --> 00:10:29,059 Why not Shrove Tuesday or Ascension Sunday? 153 00:10:30,341 --> 00:10:32,651 Ascension Sunday. Ascension Sunday. 154 00:10:35,141 --> 00:10:38,736 The 15th Wednesday after Pentecost. The 15th Wednesday after Pentecost. 155 00:10:39,741 --> 00:10:43,780 It's French, you doink. "M'aidez." "Help me." 156 00:10:43,941 --> 00:10:46,501 - M-aid-ez. - Is that right? 157 00:10:46,661 --> 00:10:48,971 Everywhere I look reminds me of food. 158 00:10:49,141 --> 00:10:51,291 Look at these books - Charles Lamb... 159 00:10:52,381 --> 00:10:54,372 Herman Wok... 160 00:10:55,181 --> 00:10:57,934 The Complete Works of Sir Francis Bacon... 161 00:10:58,101 --> 00:10:59,899 Eric Van Lustbader... 162 00:11:00,581 --> 00:11:03,778 Eric Van Lustbader? What's he got to do with food? 163 00:11:03,981 --> 00:11:07,611 Van. Meat van. Bread van. Food! 164 00:11:08,141 --> 00:11:10,337 Look, you're getting obsessed. 165 00:11:10,501 --> 00:11:13,220 It's just these books. It's like someone put them here to taunt me. 166 00:11:13,381 --> 00:11:15,941 Look at this one, "The Caretaker" by Harold Pint-er. 167 00:11:16,901 --> 00:11:18,892 It's Pinter. 168 00:11:19,061 --> 00:11:22,213 - Look, stop thinking about food. - Take my mind off it. 169 00:11:22,381 --> 00:11:24,418 - Talk to me about something. - Like what? 170 00:11:24,621 --> 00:11:27,295 - Anything. - Erm... 171 00:11:27,461 --> 00:11:30,135 - Anything apart from food? - Don't talk about food. 172 00:11:30,341 --> 00:11:35,734 - I just can't think of another topic. - Don't mention Topics. They're food! 173 00:11:35,901 --> 00:11:39,371 - Tell me a story, man. Any story. - I don't know any stories. 174 00:11:40,457 --> 00:11:43,775 - Anything. Tell me how you lost your virginity. - My what? 175 00:11:43,941 --> 00:11:47,696 - Talk to me. - How I lost it? 176 00:11:49,061 --> 00:11:51,052 Well, it was so long ago, Lister. 177 00:11:51,221 --> 00:11:54,976 I was so young and sexually precocious, I'm not sure I can remember. 178 00:11:55,181 --> 00:11:58,811 Rimmer, everyone can remember how they lost their virginity. It's just one of those things. 179 00:11:58,981 --> 00:12:02,736 Like everyone can remember where they were the day Cliff Richard was shot... 180 00:12:05,021 --> 00:12:07,410 or when the first woman landed on Pluto, 181 00:12:07,581 --> 00:12:10,267 or when they installed that gigantic toupee over 182 00:12:10,291 --> 00:12:12,976 the Earth to cover the gap in the ozone layer. 183 00:12:13,141 --> 00:12:15,860 It's just one of those things you always remember. 184 00:12:16,061 --> 00:12:21,980 Well, I don't. Good grief! You can hardly expect me to recall every single sexual liaison I'd ever partaken of. 185 00:12:22,141 --> 00:12:26,135 - What do you think I am, the Memory Man? - Rimmer, dont' give me this, I want the truth. 186 00:12:27,061 --> 00:12:29,177 - The truth? - Yeah. 187 00:12:30,781 --> 00:12:32,818 There's not much to tell, really. 188 00:12:32,981 --> 00:12:35,894 I was always a bit of a fish out of water around women. 189 00:12:36,061 --> 00:12:39,179 Never know what to say to them. 190 00:12:40,341 --> 00:12:43,254 I never think I was very highly sexed, to be honest with you. 191 00:12:43,421 --> 00:12:47,892 I think it was all that school cabbage I was forced to eat as a boy. 192 00:12:48,061 --> 00:12:50,132 Still, the first ever time... 193 00:12:50,301 --> 00:12:54,659 The first time was this girl I met at cadet school called Sandra. 194 00:12:54,821 --> 00:12:56,937 We did it in the back of my brother's car. 195 00:12:57,141 --> 00:13:00,611 - What was it like? - Brilliant. Incredible. 196 00:13:00,781 --> 00:13:02,772 Bentley V8 convertible. 197 00:13:04,501 --> 00:13:08,290 Walnut burr panelling. Marvellous machine. Marvellous. 198 00:13:09,821 --> 00:13:13,974 - So, come on, how did you lose yours? - Michelle Fisher. 199 00:13:14,141 --> 00:13:16,815 The ninth hole of the Bootle municipal golf course. 200 00:13:16,981 --> 00:13:20,099 Par four, dog-leg to the right, in the bunker behind the green. 201 00:13:20,301 --> 00:13:24,579 You lost your virginity on a golf course? How did you have the nerve? 202 00:13:24,781 --> 00:13:28,979 It wasn't in the middle of the Ryder Cup or anything. It was midnight. 203 00:13:29,181 --> 00:13:30,493 How old were you? 204 00:13:30,517 --> 00:13:34,662 She was so good-looking if she wanted, she could've got a job working 205 00:13:34,686 --> 00:13:37,831 behind the perfume counter at Lewis's. That's how gorgeous she was. 206 00:13:38,141 --> 00:13:39,227 How old were you? 207 00:13:39,251 --> 00:13:42,533 She just took all her clothes off and stood there in front of me completely naked. 208 00:13:42,701 --> 00:13:46,137 I was so excited, I nearly dropped me skateboard. 209 00:13:46,661 --> 00:13:49,460 - Skateboard?! How old were you? - Twelve. 210 00:13:50,101 --> 00:13:51,694 Twelve?! 211 00:13:52,901 --> 00:13:54,167 - Twelve years old?! - Yeah. 212 00:13:54,191 --> 00:13:56,451 You lost your virginity when you were twelve?! 213 00:13:59,301 --> 00:14:01,292 Twelve?! 214 00:14:02,781 --> 00:14:06,570 You can't have been a full member of the golf club, then. 215 00:14:07,501 --> 00:14:09,492 Of course I wasn't! 216 00:14:10,021 --> 00:14:13,571 You did it on a golf course and you weren't a member?! 217 00:14:13,741 --> 00:14:14,856 Of course I wasn't. 218 00:14:15,677 --> 00:14:18,577 You didn't pay any green fees or anything?! 219 00:14:18,901 --> 00:14:21,211 It was just a place to go. 220 00:14:22,501 --> 00:14:26,893 I used to play golf. I hate people who abuse the facilities. 221 00:14:27,821 --> 00:14:30,973 I hope you raked the sand back nicely before you left. 222 00:14:31,141 --> 00:14:33,417 That'd be a hell of a lie to get into, wouldn't it? 223 00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:38,815 Competition the next day, your ball lands in Lister's buttock crevice. 224 00:14:38,981 --> 00:14:41,780 You'd need more than a niblick to get that one out. 225 00:14:41,981 --> 00:14:45,099 - Are you trying to say I've got a big bum? - Big? 226 00:14:45,261 --> 00:14:47,696 It's like two badly parked Volkswagens. 227 00:14:50,821 --> 00:14:53,573 The only thing I ever lost when I was twelve, 228 00:14:53,597 --> 00:14:57,577 were my shoes with the compass in the heel and the animal-tracks in the soles. 229 00:14:57,741 --> 00:15:01,496 Porky Roebuck threw them in the septic tank behind the sports ground. 230 00:15:01,661 --> 00:15:03,652 I cried for weeks. 231 00:15:03,821 --> 00:15:06,017 I was wearing them. 232 00:15:07,141 --> 00:15:09,815 I never even thought about sex when I was 12. 233 00:15:10,021 --> 00:15:14,936 Maybe that's because you use to be Alexander the Great's chief eunuch. 234 00:15:15,341 --> 00:15:17,935 - What are you doing?! - There's nothing left to burn. 235 00:15:18,141 --> 00:15:21,213 - But my books! Don't burn my books! - There's nothing else left. 236 00:15:21,381 --> 00:15:24,499 But it's obscene. A book is a thing of beauty. 237 00:15:24,661 --> 00:15:27,175 It's the voice of freedom, the essence of civilisation. 238 00:15:27,381 --> 00:15:29,816 "Biggles Learns to Fly"? 239 00:15:31,061 --> 00:15:33,416 Well, perhaps not that one, but you know what I'm saying. 240 00:15:33,621 --> 00:15:35,976 "The Complete Works of Shakespeare." 241 00:15:36,141 --> 00:15:38,337 This'll be good for a couple of hours. 242 00:15:38,501 --> 00:15:42,176 I dont know, three days without food, and the walls of civilisation comes tumbling down. 243 00:15:42,381 --> 00:15:44,372 What are you on about? 244 00:15:44,541 --> 00:15:48,216 They say that any society is three meals away from revolution. 245 00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:52,170 Deprive a culture of food for three meals and you'll have anarchy. 246 00:15:52,341 --> 00:15:56,574 It's true, isn't it? You've gone without food for two days and you're turning into a barbarian. 247 00:15:56,741 --> 00:16:00,132 - I'm just burning a book. - But, it's not just a book. 248 00:16:00,301 --> 00:16:03,373 It's the only copy of probably the greatest work in English literature. 249 00:16:03,541 --> 00:16:05,817 Probably the only copy left in the entire universe, 250 00:16:05,981 --> 00:16:09,656 and you're quite happy to chuck it on the fire to keep your mitts warm for 15 minutes. 251 00:16:09,821 --> 00:16:12,051 There's nothing left to burn! 252 00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:14,861 That's it, then, is it? Toodle-pip, King Lear. 253 00:16:15,021 --> 00:16:17,695 Farewell, Macbeth. Bye-bye, Hamlet. 254 00:16:18,461 --> 00:16:21,135 Have you ever actually read any of it? 255 00:16:22,301 --> 00:16:25,419 I've seen... "West Side Story". That's based on one of them. 256 00:16:26,581 --> 00:16:30,131 Have you ever actually *read* any of it? 257 00:16:30,301 --> 00:16:32,292 Not all the way through, no. 258 00:16:32,461 --> 00:16:34,532 - But I can quote some, though. - Well, go on, then. 259 00:16:41,741 --> 00:16:43,539 "Now..." 260 00:16:45,021 --> 00:16:47,251 That's all I can remember. 261 00:16:49,181 --> 00:16:51,741 - What's that from, then? - "Richard Ill", you moron. 262 00:16:51,901 --> 00:16:53,883 The brilliant "now" speech he does at the beginning. 263 00:16:53,907 --> 00:16:55,576 "Now... something, something, something..." 264 00:16:55,741 --> 00:16:58,051 It's brilliant. Unforgettable. 265 00:16:59,421 --> 00:17:03,301 I'll save it until last. "Lolita", is it OK if I burn "Lolita"? 266 00:17:03,501 --> 00:17:05,697 Save page 61. 267 00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:10,853 - That bit. - That's disgusting... 268 00:17:38,741 --> 00:17:41,540 And, you can take that look off your face, like I'm doing something disgusting. 269 00:17:41,701 --> 00:17:45,171 - I'm just trying to stay alive. - You're going to eat the dog food? 270 00:17:46,581 --> 00:17:50,176 Yeah! Yeah, I haven't eaten for six days. I'm going to eat the dog food. 271 00:17:50,381 --> 00:17:52,941 I'm sure the dog food'll be lovely. 272 00:17:54,501 --> 00:17:59,701 Rimmer, this isn't dog food. It's a piece of prime fillet steak in blue cheese sauce. 273 00:17:59,861 --> 00:18:04,253 It's been charcoal-broiled in garlic butter and is going to taste delicious. 274 00:18:04,421 --> 00:18:07,061 Delicious... Delicious... 275 00:18:14,421 --> 00:18:18,335 Well, now I can see why dogs lick their testicles. 276 00:18:23,461 --> 00:18:26,214 It's to take away the taste of the food. 277 00:18:28,021 --> 00:18:31,013 The stove's getting low. Better throw another book on. 278 00:18:31,221 --> 00:18:33,895 - That's the last one. - You've burnt all of them? 279 00:18:34,101 --> 00:18:38,413 When we get through to Act Five of "Henry VIII", I'm a dead man. 280 00:18:39,541 --> 00:18:42,340 There must be something else to burn. 281 00:18:48,141 --> 00:18:50,940 No. Not the trunk. It's Javanese camphor wood. It's priceless. 282 00:18:51,141 --> 00:18:53,815 There's nothing else to burn except the trunk and what's in the trunk. 283 00:18:54,021 --> 00:18:57,377 Now, wait a minute! Not Napoleon's Armée du Nord. 284 00:18:57,541 --> 00:18:59,737 Rimmer, get real, man. What's important? 285 00:19:00,461 --> 00:19:03,738 If it burns, we burn it. What's the least valuable? 286 00:19:03,901 --> 00:19:05,972 Not the trunk. My father gave me that trunk. 287 00:19:06,181 --> 00:19:08,616 - The soldiers, then. - But, they're 19th-century. 288 00:19:08,781 --> 00:19:12,137 They're irreplaceable. They were hand-carved by the legendary Dubois brothers. 289 00:19:12,341 --> 00:19:14,412 Well, then? 290 00:19:18,501 --> 00:19:20,492 Better start unpacking the soldiers. 291 00:19:20,661 --> 00:19:24,450 No. There must be something else to burn. There must be. 292 00:19:24,621 --> 00:19:29,092 Rimmer, there isn't. I've looked. Look, I know it must be a bit of a bummer. 293 00:19:29,261 --> 00:19:32,379 I know it must be heartbreaking, but it's just stuff. 294 00:19:32,541 --> 00:19:35,454 It's only possessions. They're only- they're only things. 295 00:19:35,621 --> 00:19:37,771 In the end, they're not important. 296 00:19:37,941 --> 00:19:41,297 I mean, they might go for a bundle in some swanky Islington antique shop, 297 00:19:41,461 --> 00:19:45,978 but right here and now, all they are is nicely painted firewood. 298 00:19:47,421 --> 00:19:49,935 This isn't happening. It's a nightmare. 299 00:19:50,381 --> 00:19:52,497 I mean, you've got to get your priorities right. 300 00:19:52,661 --> 00:19:55,892 It's like people you read about who run back into a burning house 301 00:19:56,061 --> 00:19:59,816 to rescue some treasured piece of furniture and wind up burning to death. 302 00:20:00,341 --> 00:20:02,537 I mean, nothing's more important than a human life... 303 00:20:02,701 --> 00:20:05,739 -What about your guitar? - ...except my guitar. 304 00:20:05,941 --> 00:20:09,172 Why didn't we think of it before? We can burn your guitar! 305 00:20:09,381 --> 00:20:11,941 - Not my guitar, Rimmer. - It's made of wood. 306 00:20:12,141 --> 00:20:15,577 Yeah, but it's my guitar. I've had it since I was 16. 307 00:20:15,741 --> 00:20:17,937 That is an authentic Les Paul copy. 308 00:20:18,141 --> 00:20:21,259 It's not worth anything. It's just a thing, just a possession. 309 00:20:21,461 --> 00:20:25,341 - Yeah, but it's mine! - How is it any different from MY soldiers? 310 00:20:25,541 --> 00:20:28,932 That's my lifeline. I need that guitar. 311 00:20:29,661 --> 00:20:34,417 I mean, when it gets to me... I mean, the loneliness and all that... 312 00:20:34,581 --> 00:20:38,734 When it gets on top of me, it's my only means of escape. 313 00:20:38,901 --> 00:20:41,780 I mean, I know I'm not exactly a wizard on it. 314 00:20:41,941 --> 00:20:45,855 I know it's only got five strings and three of them are G... 315 00:20:46,021 --> 00:20:49,457 but through the whole of my life, I've never had anything to cling onto 316 00:20:49,621 --> 00:20:52,010 no roots, no parents, no education... 317 00:20:52,221 --> 00:20:55,293 - No education? - I went to art college. 318 00:20:55,981 --> 00:20:58,131 All I've ever had is that guitar. 319 00:20:58,301 --> 00:21:02,295 It's the only thing through the whole of my miserable smegging life that hasn't walked out on me. 320 00:21:02,461 --> 00:21:04,452 Don't make me burn it. 321 00:21:07,621 --> 00:21:09,612 We've got to. 322 00:21:16,181 --> 00:21:19,014 Look, I know this might sound stupid, like, but... 323 00:21:19,181 --> 00:21:23,493 can I just play one song on it, just one for the road? 324 00:21:23,701 --> 00:21:25,897 Sure, sure. I mean, I'm not enjoying this. 325 00:21:26,061 --> 00:21:28,655 I know, man. Thanks. 326 00:21:35,381 --> 00:21:38,294 # She's out of my life 327 00:21:39,301 --> 00:21:43,579 (OFF-KEY) # I don't know whether to laugh or cry... # 328 00:21:44,541 --> 00:21:46,771 My step-dad taught me this one. 329 00:21:46,941 --> 00:21:49,615 It's the first song I ever learned to play. 330 00:21:50,301 --> 00:21:54,260 - I'm just going to, er... - # I don't know whether to live or die 331 00:21:54,421 --> 00:21:56,981 # She's out of my... 332 00:21:58,821 --> 00:22:00,812 (FLAT) # Life # 333 00:22:59,661 --> 00:23:03,052 - I don't know what to say. - There's nothing to say. 334 00:23:03,221 --> 00:23:07,055 You've made a supreme sacrifice. You know that? 335 00:23:07,221 --> 00:23:10,612 - A supreme sacrifice. - It had to be done. 336 00:23:10,821 --> 00:23:13,700 I've been judging the book by its cover, haven't I? 337 00:23:13,861 --> 00:23:16,137 All these years, that's what I've been doing. 338 00:23:16,301 --> 00:23:19,532 When it really comes down to it, you're one heck of a regular guy. 339 00:23:21,301 --> 00:23:24,453 And there's no point being modest. I know what that guitar meant to you. 340 00:23:25,101 --> 00:23:29,095 It means exactly the same as that trunk means to me. 341 00:23:30,261 --> 00:23:34,858 If that trunk got so much as scratched, I would be devastated. 342 00:23:35,821 --> 00:23:40,372 It's not the outward value. To me, that trunk is a link to the past, 343 00:23:40,541 --> 00:23:43,340 a link to the father I never managed to square things with... 344 00:23:43,541 --> 00:23:47,853 - Is it? - That trunk is the only thing he ever gave me, 345 00:23:48,021 --> 00:23:50,456 apart from... apart from his disappointment. 346 00:23:53,741 --> 00:23:57,257 And you've shown me, by burning your guitar, what true value really is. 347 00:23:58,541 --> 00:24:03,741 Decency. Self-sacrifice. Those are the things that make up real wealth, 348 00:24:03,901 --> 00:24:07,417 and from where I'm standing, I'm a pretty rich man. 349 00:24:08,341 --> 00:24:10,651 - Oh, God. - Burn the soldiers. 350 00:24:10,861 --> 00:24:15,094 - No, not the soldiers, as well... - You burned your guitar, I want to make a sacrifice, too. 351 00:24:15,261 --> 00:24:18,014 Burn the Armée du Nord. Cast them to the flames. 352 00:24:18,181 --> 00:24:21,412 Let them lay down their lives for the sake of friendship. 353 00:24:25,261 --> 00:24:29,334 - What's that smell? - What smell? I can't smell any smell. 354 00:24:30,021 --> 00:24:31,614 Camphor wood. 355 00:24:38,141 --> 00:24:40,530 Your guitar was made of camphor wood. 356 00:24:42,501 --> 00:24:46,654 It must have been worth a fortune. Burn the soldiers. Burn them right now! 357 00:24:55,981 --> 00:25:00,452 Look, there they are. Mush! Mush! 358 00:25:06,421 --> 00:25:09,413 (RIMMER TRUMPETS "LAST POST") 359 00:25:26,581 --> 00:25:29,653 Au revoir, mes amis. A bientot. 360 00:25:30,141 --> 00:25:33,771 Rimmer, there's something I've got to tell you, something awful. 361 00:25:33,981 --> 00:25:37,497 If it's about how you finished off the dog food, Dave, I understand. 362 00:25:37,661 --> 00:25:42,337 - No, it's not about that... - Hey! Hey! Hey! Oooooow! 363 00:25:42,541 --> 00:25:45,010 - Cat! Kryten! - We made it, we made it! 364 00:25:45,181 --> 00:25:49,414 - Food! You brought food! - So, where have you been over the last few days? 365 00:25:49,621 --> 00:25:52,739 We rendezvoused with Holly. and then when you didn't show up after two days 366 00:25:52,901 --> 00:25:56,212 - I said we should look for you. - Yeah, we've been everywhere. 367 00:25:56,381 --> 00:25:57,997 Fourteen moons, two planets. 368 00:25:58,021 --> 00:26:01,251 I've been so worried, I haven't buffed my shoes for two days! 369 00:26:02,101 --> 00:26:04,775 So, Holly managed to navigated her way through five black holes? 370 00:26:04,981 --> 00:26:07,575 As it transpired, there weren't any black holes. 371 00:26:07,781 --> 00:26:10,739 - But you saw them on the monitor? - They weren't black holes. 372 00:26:10,941 --> 00:26:13,899 - What were they? - Grit. 373 00:26:17,741 --> 00:26:21,097 Five specks of grit on the scanner-scope. 374 00:26:21,261 --> 00:26:23,616 See, the thing about grit is it's black, 375 00:26:23,781 --> 00:26:25,772 and the thing about the scanner-scope... 376 00:26:25,981 --> 00:26:29,133 - Oh, shut up. - Let's go. 377 00:26:29,341 --> 00:26:33,494 Something happened here, Kryten. Something that made him and me closer. 378 00:26:33,661 --> 00:26:38,053 I saw a side of Dave Lister that I never, ever knew existed. 379 00:26:38,221 --> 00:26:42,692 He's not an irresponsible, selfish drifter, always out for number one. 380 00:26:42,861 --> 00:26:45,330 He's a man. A man of honour. 381 00:26:47,741 --> 00:26:49,539 Excuse me. 382 00:27:10,901 --> 00:27:13,097 Open the trunk. 383 00:27:24,541 --> 00:27:28,774 Kryten... get the hacksaw and follow me. 384 00:27:28,941 --> 00:27:30,932 Where are we going? 385 00:27:31,101 --> 00:27:36,096 We're going to do to Lister what Alexander the Great once did to me. 386 00:27:40,341 --> 00:27:43,459 # It's cold outside There's no kind of atmosphere 387 00:27:43,621 --> 00:27:46,932 # I'm all alone, more or less 388 00:27:47,101 --> 00:27:50,298 # Let me fly far away from here 389 00:27:50,461 --> 00:27:53,135 # Fun, fun, fun 390 00:27:53,301 --> 00:27:56,851 # In the sun, sun, sun 391 00:27:57,021 --> 00:28:00,377 # I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose 392 00:28:00,541 --> 00:28:03,659 # Drinking fresh mango juice 393 00:28:03,821 --> 00:28:07,132 # Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes 394 00:28:07,301 --> 00:28:09,861 # Fun, fun, fun 395 00:28:10,021 --> 00:28:13,730 # In the sun, sun, sun 396 00:28:13,901 --> 00:28:16,575 # Fun, fun, fun 397 00:28:16,741 --> 00:28:20,974 # In the sun, sun, sun #