1 00:00:01,941 --> 00:00:03,732 (GRAVELLY VOICE) This week's "Red Dwarf" 2 00:00:03,741 --> 00:00:06,893 contains scenes which are unsuitable for younger viewers 3 00:00:07,061 --> 00:00:09,450 and people of a nervous disposition. 4 00:00:09,621 --> 00:00:12,135 You have been warned. 5 00:00:12,941 --> 00:00:14,932 (RED DWARF THEME) 6 00:00:53,501 --> 00:00:55,572 (STEADY BLEEPING) 7 00:00:57,781 --> 00:01:02,412 (BLEEP) Danger. Do not attempt to open this pod. 8 00:01:02,581 --> 00:01:05,733 The creature inside is extremely hostile. 9 00:01:05,901 --> 00:01:10,054 It feeds off the human psyche, seeks out the deranged, 10 00:01:10,221 --> 00:01:13,930 the unbalanced and the emotionally crippled. 11 00:01:16,741 --> 00:01:19,540 (LONG GUTTURAL ROAR) 12 00:01:21,301 --> 00:01:23,338 (CREATURE MUTTERS) Oh, pardon me... 13 00:01:27,501 --> 00:01:29,094 Oh! Oh, n...! Urgh! 14 00:01:29,301 --> 00:01:31,656 (ZIP! ZIP! ZIP!) 15 00:01:51,261 --> 00:01:52,660 (ZIP!) 16 00:01:54,341 --> 00:01:58,414 Not too little and not too much. That's important... 17 00:02:04,501 --> 00:02:06,299 Here we go! 18 00:02:06,461 --> 00:02:10,011 I just thought I'd just give your quarters a quick tickle around, sir. 19 00:02:10,181 --> 00:02:12,616 - Won't take a jiff. - Not now, Kryten. I'm cooking. 20 00:02:21,781 --> 00:02:24,534 - I didn't know you could do that! - Oh, yes. 21 00:02:24,701 --> 00:02:26,897 I can plug a number of add-ons into my groinal socket 22 00:02:27,061 --> 00:02:31,055 allowing me to perform virtually any household task imaginable. 23 00:02:31,501 --> 00:02:33,492 - Like what? - Oh, you name it, 24 00:02:33,661 --> 00:02:36,494 buzz-saw, power drill, hedge trimmer... even an egg whisk. 25 00:02:37,461 --> 00:02:41,534 What, so you like, stick the egg whisk attachment on the end and you can whip up a Spanish omelette? 26 00:02:41,741 --> 00:02:45,780 I certainly can, sir. But it's amazing how few people are prepared to eat them. 27 00:02:48,661 --> 00:02:50,777 Brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr... 28 00:02:51,901 --> 00:02:55,053 Goodness me! I must have sucked up a penny. 29 00:02:57,021 --> 00:03:01,140 I better change the old bag, there. Yes, I'll just get a fresh one. 30 00:03:02,141 --> 00:03:05,975 Mmm! Something smells good! What is it? 31 00:03:06,141 --> 00:03:09,338 It's me! I love this aftershave! 32 00:03:10,181 --> 00:03:13,617 You are five minutes away from the greatest meal of your life, man. 33 00:03:13,781 --> 00:03:16,091 Set your taste buds on Defcon 3! 34 00:03:16,741 --> 00:03:19,096 Hey, you've really made an effort here, where'd you get all this stuff? 35 00:03:19,301 --> 00:03:22,896 I just got sick and tired of using plastic knifes and forks, man so I went to the medical unit and nicked some gear. 36 00:03:23,101 --> 00:03:24,853 This is a scalpel! 37 00:03:25,821 --> 00:03:29,371 I'm supposed to cut my food with a scalpel? Something that's been inside someone's guts? 38 00:03:29,581 --> 00:03:32,095 It's all been cleaned. It's washed. It's clean! 39 00:03:32,741 --> 00:03:37,497 Something that long ago in history may well have performed a certain popular Jewish operation? 40 00:03:38,501 --> 00:03:40,697 I'm supposed to eat with this? 41 00:03:40,861 --> 00:03:44,092 Get the onion salads out of the fridge. 42 00:03:44,821 --> 00:03:46,858 "Embryo Refrigeration Unit"?! 43 00:03:47,021 --> 00:03:50,776 How many times...? It's clean! It's been cleaned! 44 00:03:51,901 --> 00:03:54,893 - Onion salads, onion salads... - They're in the kidney bowls, 45 00:03:55,061 --> 00:03:59,055 next to the colostomy bag with the chilli sauce in it. 46 00:04:00,501 --> 00:04:03,778 Here we go! Here we go! 47 00:04:16,541 --> 00:04:18,054 (BEEPS) 48 00:04:20,621 --> 00:04:22,020 Yahoo! 49 00:04:22,181 --> 00:04:25,617 Come on, man. Come on. It's ready. Sit down. Sit down. 50 00:04:25,781 --> 00:04:29,092 One kebab for you and one kebab for me. 51 00:04:31,061 --> 00:04:32,938 Lemon juice? 52 00:04:34,501 --> 00:04:37,971 - What the hell is that? - It's a syringe. 53 00:04:38,141 --> 00:04:40,781 - What kind of syringe? - It's for cows. 54 00:04:40,941 --> 00:04:43,854 Artificial insemination. It's been washed. 55 00:04:44,021 --> 00:04:46,695 It's clean. It's all been sterilised. Do you want lemon juice or what? 56 00:04:48,181 --> 00:04:50,855 - Excuse me. - What about the meal? 57 00:04:51,701 --> 00:04:53,977 This isn't a meal, this is an autopsy! 58 00:04:54,141 --> 00:04:56,518 This is just the starter, man, what about the main course? 59 00:04:56,542 --> 00:04:58,374 Hey! You think I got nothing better to do 60 00:04:58,541 --> 00:05:02,057 than hang around watching you serve chicken chasseur in a stool bucket? 61 00:05:02,261 --> 00:05:04,650 Charming! I don't know. 62 00:05:04,821 --> 00:05:08,052 You pull out all the stops, you make an effort... 63 00:05:09,061 --> 00:05:11,894 try and do something with a bit of class, 64 00:05:12,061 --> 00:05:14,450 and where does it get you? 65 00:05:15,661 --> 00:05:17,857 Mmm, very cheeky. 66 00:05:24,541 --> 00:05:26,134 (MUTTERS) 67 00:05:38,421 --> 00:05:40,776 Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt, sir. 68 00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:43,171 I just need to get a... (LAUGHS) Sorry. 69 00:05:43,381 --> 00:05:47,579 Oh, no, Kryten. It's all right. Just running a few of the old home movies. 70 00:05:49,141 --> 00:05:53,135 That's me, there. Those are my brothers - John, Frank and Howard. 71 00:05:53,301 --> 00:05:55,292 God, we were close. 72 00:05:55,461 --> 00:05:57,850 The Four Musketeers, we used to call ourselves. 73 00:05:58,021 --> 00:06:02,379 Well, the Three Musketeers, actually. They always let me be the Queen of Spain. 74 00:06:02,541 --> 00:06:06,774 Marvellous. I mean, yes, I was the butt of the occasional practical joke, 75 00:06:06,981 --> 00:06:09,370 but I mean, er...nothing sinister. 76 00:06:14,381 --> 00:06:16,850 Just the usual boyhood pranks, you know - 77 00:06:17,021 --> 00:06:20,616 apple-pie beds and black-eye telescopes... 78 00:06:20,781 --> 00:06:25,093 One time, they even hid a small landmine in my sandpit. 79 00:06:25,261 --> 00:06:27,821 They took it from my father's gun cabinet. 80 00:06:27,981 --> 00:06:30,541 I mean, how were they supposed to know it was going to go off? 81 00:06:30,701 --> 00:06:33,819 - Marvellous guys. - Oh, and er, who's that there? 82 00:06:33,981 --> 00:06:36,052 - An old girlfriend, Mr. Arnold, sir? - Hardly. 83 00:06:36,261 --> 00:06:39,777 No, not really your type, I suppose. Silly old trout like that. 84 00:06:40,661 --> 00:06:46,054 - She's my mother. - Oh! Oh, God! I am so sorry, sir... 85 00:06:46,221 --> 00:06:49,452 - Just forget it. - Oh, how can I forget it, sir? 86 00:06:49,621 --> 00:06:53,535 I compared your mother to a foolish, aged, blubbery fish. 87 00:06:53,701 --> 00:06:58,013 I said she was a simple-minded, scaly old piscine. 88 00:06:58,181 --> 00:07:01,811 I intimated she was an ugly, lungless marine animal 89 00:07:01,981 --> 00:07:03,972 with galloping senility, 90 00:07:04,141 --> 00:07:09,341 a putrid amphibious gill-breather with--with less brains than a mollusc! 91 00:07:10,021 --> 00:07:12,012 Forget it! 92 00:07:12,741 --> 00:07:15,733 Ah. Freeze. There she is. Magnificent woman. 93 00:07:15,941 --> 00:07:19,218 Very prim, very proper. Some say austere. 94 00:07:19,381 --> 00:07:21,770 Some people took her for cold, thought she was aloof. 95 00:07:21,941 --> 00:07:26,697 Not a bit of it, just despised idiots, no time for fools. 96 00:07:26,861 --> 00:07:29,660 Tragic, really, otherwise we would have got on famously. 97 00:07:30,661 --> 00:07:35,212 well, if you'll excuse me, sir. I'll go now, This is clearly a very private family moment. 98 00:07:35,381 --> 00:07:38,214 I've no fish to embarrass you further. 99 00:07:38,381 --> 00:07:40,577 I'll let myself trout. 100 00:07:40,821 --> 00:07:43,620 - Oh, sir, I'm... - Just go! 101 00:07:46,141 --> 00:07:50,339 I don't want you to panic, Arn, but it does appear there's a very tiny possibility 102 00:07:50,501 --> 00:07:54,415 that there may very well in all likelyhood, possibly be a non-human life form on board. 103 00:07:54,621 --> 00:07:57,739 You mean like last time? When you got us all worked up 104 00:07:57,901 --> 00:08:01,212 we went scooting off to the cargo bay complete with bazookoids and backpacks, 105 00:08:01,381 --> 00:08:03,372 and it turned out to be one of Lister's socks? 106 00:08:04,141 --> 00:08:06,212 Well, I didn't recognise the genetic structure. 107 00:08:06,381 --> 00:08:08,975 Biologically speaking, they were a completely new life form. 108 00:08:09,901 --> 00:08:12,893 Absolutely ridiculous. I felt a total goit. 109 00:08:13,101 --> 00:08:15,331 - I think you should take a butchers'. - Where is it? 110 00:08:15,541 --> 00:08:19,011 I lost it. It's somewhere along the habitation decks. 111 00:08:19,221 --> 00:08:21,781 I can't get a moment's peace in this place! Just perfect! 112 00:08:24,381 --> 00:08:27,419 - Enjoying your meal, sir? - It's delicious, Kryten. De-smegging-licious! 113 00:08:27,581 --> 00:08:29,652 It's my own recipe, you know? 114 00:08:29,821 --> 00:08:33,860 Shami Kebab Diablo. It's beautiful, man. It's like eating molten lava. 115 00:08:34,501 --> 00:08:39,098 I cooked up one for Petersen once, y'know? He was in sick bay for a week. What a weed! 116 00:08:40,741 --> 00:08:42,414 (SNEEZES) 117 00:08:43,501 --> 00:08:45,697 - What did you say? - I didn't say anything, sir. 118 00:08:51,181 --> 00:08:53,058 (CREATURE MUTTERS) 119 00:08:53,261 --> 00:08:56,379 - You seriously like them that hot? - It's trying to kill me. 120 00:08:56,581 --> 00:08:58,777 Oh, it's a good one, huh? 121 00:09:00,301 --> 00:09:03,657 - It went under here, I can see it! - Are you all right, sir? 122 00:09:03,861 --> 00:09:05,420 - (ZIP!) - Smeg, it's gone. 123 00:09:05,581 --> 00:09:09,176 - What? - How could that be! Where could it go? 124 00:09:09,341 --> 00:09:12,538 We better get out of here, Kryten. Something very weird is going on. 125 00:09:12,701 --> 00:09:16,057 Something very, very... Ooh! Sudden pain in my groin. 126 00:09:18,341 --> 00:09:20,730 - What's wrong? - Ah! My underpants! 127 00:09:20,941 --> 00:09:24,696 They're shrinking. Oh, God! Me boxers are alive, man! 128 00:09:24,901 --> 00:09:28,531 They're getting smaller! Help me, please! 129 00:09:28,741 --> 00:09:30,732 Please, I'm begging you! 130 00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:36,132 Get 'em off! 131 00:09:36,901 --> 00:09:39,541 - Pull them down! - Keep still! 132 00:09:46,901 --> 00:09:50,292 Well, I can't say I'm totally shocked. 133 00:09:50,461 --> 00:09:52,850 You'll bonk anything, won't you, Lister? 134 00:09:53,061 --> 00:09:56,053 - Kryten, the boxers, where are they? - I threw them over here. 135 00:09:56,221 --> 00:09:58,212 - You sure? - There's nothing here. 136 00:09:58,381 --> 00:10:00,497 - (ZIP!) - just the blanket and the pillow and the... 137 00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:02,100 Snake! 138 00:10:02,301 --> 00:10:05,578 - Snake! - Kryten! 139 00:10:06,621 --> 00:10:10,376 - What the smeg is going on?! - I hate snakes. 140 00:10:10,541 --> 00:10:13,010 They freak me out totally, snakes. 141 00:10:13,181 --> 00:10:16,537 They are my all-time second-worst fear, guy. 142 00:10:16,701 --> 00:10:18,931 - What's your first? - (ZIP!) 143 00:10:19,381 --> 00:10:21,099 (ROARS) 144 00:10:22,061 --> 00:10:23,859 This. 145 00:10:31,301 --> 00:10:32,974 Is he OK? 146 00:10:33,461 --> 00:10:36,533 - As far as we can tell, yes. - So, where did the creature go? 147 00:10:36,741 --> 00:10:41,053 It turned into a sort of, splodgy, squelchy thing and squidged off down the corridor. 148 00:10:41,261 --> 00:10:45,653 - What is it? Some kind of alien? - No, it's from Earth, man-made. 149 00:10:45,821 --> 00:10:49,735 I checked out its DNA profile. Some kind of genetic experiment that went wrong. 150 00:10:49,941 --> 00:10:53,935 Apparently, it was an attempt to create the ultimate warrior, 151 00:10:54,101 --> 00:10:57,571 a mutant that could change shape to suit its terrain to deceive its enemies. 152 00:10:57,781 --> 00:11:00,739 - So what did go wrong? - It's insane! 153 00:11:00,941 --> 00:11:03,330 It feeds off your negative emotions - 154 00:11:03,501 --> 00:11:07,415 fear, guilt, anger, paranoia, drains them out of its prey. 155 00:11:07,621 --> 00:11:10,010 Hmm. It's a sort of emotional vampire. 156 00:11:10,181 --> 00:11:12,570 It changes shape to provoke a negative emotion. 157 00:11:12,741 --> 00:11:18,100 In Lister's case, It took him to the very limit of his terror, and then sucked out his fear. 158 00:11:18,301 --> 00:11:21,293 - So now Lister's got no sense of fear? - Precisely. 159 00:11:21,461 --> 00:11:25,216 - What are we going to do? - I say let's get out there and twat it. 160 00:11:28,261 --> 00:11:30,775 Lister, you're ill. Just relax and leave this to us. 161 00:11:31,781 --> 00:11:35,172 I could have had it in the sleeping quarters but you saw it, you saw it! It took me by surprise. 162 00:11:36,261 --> 00:11:39,777 Lister, it turned into an 8ft-tall armour-plated alien killing machine. 163 00:11:39,981 --> 00:11:42,291 If it wants a barney, we'll give it one. 164 00:11:42,461 --> 00:11:45,977 One swift knee in the happy sacks, it'll drop like anyone else. 165 00:11:46,781 --> 00:11:49,091 Fine. We'll bear that in mind when we're planning our strategy. 166 00:11:49,301 --> 00:11:52,612 I'm gonna rip out its windpipe and beat it to death with the tonsil end. 167 00:11:52,781 --> 00:11:54,579 Yes, yes. Very good. 168 00:11:54,741 --> 00:12:00,039 I'm gonna stick my fist so far down its gob, I'm gonna be able to pull the label off its underpants. 169 00:12:00,063 --> 00:12:01,255 Yes, yes. Er, Kryten... 170 00:12:03,741 --> 00:12:05,732 What's that, pal? You starting trouble? 171 00:12:05,941 --> 00:12:08,820 It's just a little something to calm you down, sir. 172 00:12:09,021 --> 00:12:11,740 Come on, then. All of you slags! 173 00:12:11,901 --> 00:12:16,293 All together or one at a time. I don't care, it's all the same to me. I'm... 174 00:12:18,141 --> 00:12:22,294 Ah. Thank God for that. Right, as far as I can see it, we have two options - 175 00:12:22,461 --> 00:12:26,500 one - take it on and kill it, or two - run away. 176 00:12:26,661 --> 00:12:30,097 - Who's for two? - Two sounds pretty good to me, sir. 177 00:12:30,301 --> 00:12:32,292 It's always been my lucky number. 178 00:12:32,461 --> 00:12:35,214 - Right, well let's load up Starbug and get out of here. - What about Lister? 179 00:12:35,421 --> 00:12:39,210 Oh, just seal the hatch from the inside. He'll be safe here, until we're ready to go. 180 00:12:39,421 --> 00:12:43,016 - Remember, it's out there and it could be anything. - Let's move it. 181 00:12:43,221 --> 00:12:48,057 What about the Space Corps directive which states: "It is our primary overriding duty 182 00:12:48,221 --> 00:12:52,658 to contact other life forms, exchange information and wherever possible, bring them home"? 183 00:12:53,181 --> 00:12:56,197 What about the Rimmer directive, which states: 184 00:12:56,221 --> 00:13:00,470 "Never tangle with anything that's got more teeth than the entire Osmond family"? 185 00:13:08,901 --> 00:13:10,892 (RAPID BEEPING) 186 00:13:12,501 --> 00:13:14,299 It's here. 187 00:13:15,021 --> 00:13:17,615 - Where? - Somewhere. 188 00:13:18,381 --> 00:13:20,770 Set the bazookoids to heat-seeker. 189 00:13:22,301 --> 00:13:24,941 When you see it, aim roughly in its direction, 190 00:13:25,101 --> 00:13:28,298 and the heat-seekers will do the rest. 191 00:13:41,581 --> 00:13:45,700 Shadows... In the shadows... It's in the shadows! There! There! There! 192 00:13:49,141 --> 00:13:51,701 Sorry. My fault. False alarm. 193 00:13:53,461 --> 00:13:55,259 Idiot. 194 00:14:01,781 --> 00:14:05,934 I don't understand it, holograms don't produce heat and neither do androids. 195 00:14:06,101 --> 00:14:08,411 What are they homing in on? 196 00:14:10,501 --> 00:14:12,538 So long, guys. 197 00:14:47,741 --> 00:14:49,891 Oh, come on! Give me a break! 198 00:15:00,141 --> 00:15:04,578 You either got it or you ain't, and, boys, you ain't even close. 199 00:15:05,661 --> 00:15:07,652 (LISTER) Cat, where are you? 200 00:15:07,821 --> 00:15:11,576 - Over here. - Stay put, we'll come and find you. 201 00:15:11,741 --> 00:15:13,857 Keep talking. 202 00:15:24,341 --> 00:15:26,935 What are you looking for? 203 00:15:27,101 --> 00:15:29,820 A mutant. It's dangerous. It can turn into anything. 204 00:15:30,021 --> 00:15:32,058 Oh, sounds pretty scary. 205 00:15:32,221 --> 00:15:34,212 It is, baby. Believe me. 206 00:15:35,501 --> 00:15:40,177 It must take a really brave sort of guy to do this kind of work. 207 00:15:40,341 --> 00:15:44,096 - Well, I guess you're right. - And smart, I bet you have to be smart. 208 00:15:44,261 --> 00:15:46,935 Smart? Yeah, you definitely have to be smart. 209 00:15:47,101 --> 00:15:51,140 Like I say, it can turn into anything. You gotta have your wits about you all the time. 210 00:15:51,301 --> 00:15:56,137 Don't let up for one second, or it'll just creep up on you and - blip! - you're dog meat. 211 00:15:56,301 --> 00:16:01,216 - Come on, man. - You know, you're really quite a guy, 212 00:16:01,381 --> 00:16:05,852 - Brave, smart, handsome... - Oh, you think handsome? 213 00:16:06,061 --> 00:16:10,578 Oh, come on. You know, you're probably the best-looking guy I've ever seen. 214 00:16:10,781 --> 00:16:15,776 - I wasn't going to be the first to say. - Do you know what I'd really like? 215 00:16:15,941 --> 00:16:18,376 - Hmm? - I'd really like to make love to a guy like you. 216 00:16:20,741 --> 00:16:24,496 Well, I'm sure I have a window in my schedule somewhere. 217 00:16:24,661 --> 00:16:29,053 Let's see... What are you doing in, say, ten seconds time? 218 00:16:29,221 --> 00:16:34,091 - Nothing I couldn't cancel. - Hi. I'm the Cat. 219 00:16:34,301 --> 00:16:37,339 Hi. I'm the genetic mutant. 220 00:16:37,541 --> 00:16:40,977 Glad to know you. Jenny who? 221 00:16:41,141 --> 00:16:43,132 (ROARS) 222 00:16:47,461 --> 00:16:48,860 It's got him, it's got him! 223 00:16:49,581 --> 00:16:53,017 Oh! Oh, my goodness! Are you all right? 224 00:16:53,861 --> 00:16:55,977 - Is he dead? - Unconscious, 225 00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:58,894 but, according to the psi-scan, he appears to have lost an emotion. 226 00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:01,251 - Which emotion? - He's lost his vanity. 227 00:17:01,461 --> 00:17:04,419 - This is your fault, Kryten. - M-M-My fault? 228 00:17:04,621 --> 00:17:06,737 We were supposed to stick together. You let the Cat run off alone. 229 00:17:06,941 --> 00:17:10,457 - But it wasn't, I mean... - He trusted you. Now look at him. 230 00:17:10,661 --> 00:17:13,494 - Oh, please. I feel so... - (GROWLS) Guilty? 231 00:17:13,661 --> 00:17:17,177 - Yes. - Good! (SCREECHES) 232 00:17:26,901 --> 00:17:28,460 Hah! 233 00:17:29,781 --> 00:17:31,579 (ROARS) 234 00:17:31,981 --> 00:17:33,380 Shoo! Shoo! 235 00:17:33,861 --> 00:17:35,181 (ZIP!) 236 00:17:36,301 --> 00:17:37,700 (MUTTERS) 237 00:17:40,141 --> 00:17:44,977 - Let's just get Lister and get out of here. - It's got my guilt, I have lost the single emotion 238 00:17:45,141 --> 00:17:49,533 which prevents my transgressing the mores and manners of civilised society. 239 00:17:49,741 --> 00:17:52,381 Stop your blithering, Kryten. Come on, grab the Cat and let's go! 240 00:17:52,581 --> 00:17:54,697 Oh, screw you, hadron-head! 241 00:17:56,541 --> 00:17:58,179 (CREAKS) 242 00:17:58,621 --> 00:18:00,578 (MUTTERING) 243 00:18:03,341 --> 00:18:05,537 Where have you been? Let's go! 244 00:18:05,701 --> 00:18:08,693 (SLURS) I was getting myself comfortable, man. 245 00:18:10,541 --> 00:18:14,091 - Come on, Kryten. You're holding us all up. - Ah, who cares? 246 00:18:14,261 --> 00:18:16,775 - You're going to get us all killed. - So? 247 00:18:27,021 --> 00:18:30,332 Oh, look. It's Bonehead's mum. 248 00:18:31,541 --> 00:18:33,578 - Mother? - Hello, dear. 249 00:18:33,781 --> 00:18:37,536 - What are you doing? - What does it look like, darling? 250 00:18:37,741 --> 00:18:40,972 - You made love to my mother? - Yeah. Do you wanna make something of it? 251 00:18:41,261 --> 00:18:45,095 - It's not your mother, it's the polymorph! - You've just had my mum?! 252 00:18:45,301 --> 00:18:49,056 Five times. He was like a wild stallion. 253 00:18:50,181 --> 00:18:53,970 "Very prim, very proper. Almost austere." 254 00:18:54,821 --> 00:18:57,051 Don't fall for it, Arn, it's trying to make you angry. 255 00:18:57,261 --> 00:19:00,094 Darling, I wish you could have seen him in action. 256 00:19:00,261 --> 00:19:04,380 He was like a set of pistons in an ocean liner engine room. 257 00:19:04,541 --> 00:19:06,532 I think I'm going to be sick. 258 00:19:06,741 --> 00:19:10,132 - Don't get angry, that's what it wants. - Lister and mother... 259 00:19:10,301 --> 00:19:12,451 it's a dream come true. 260 00:19:12,621 --> 00:19:14,692 He's so energetic. 261 00:19:14,861 --> 00:19:18,820 I honestly thought my false teeth were going to fall out. 262 00:19:18,981 --> 00:19:22,337 - How lovely. - The positions he bent me into! 263 00:19:22,501 --> 00:19:25,732 Terrific. That sounds enchanting. Well done. 264 00:19:25,901 --> 00:19:30,498 And the things this boy can do with Alphabetti Spaghetti. 265 00:19:30,661 --> 00:19:35,053 - Cool it, Arnie. - ALPHABETTI SPAGHETTI?! 266 00:19:51,541 --> 00:19:54,852 - So, where is it now? - It's gone back down to the cargo bays, 267 00:19:55,021 --> 00:19:57,630 sleeping off a four-course meal of fear, vanity, guilt and anger. 268 00:19:57,654 --> 00:19:59,731 You better get it before it comes back for seconds. 269 00:20:02,221 --> 00:20:05,737 Look, just because it's an armour-plated alien killing machine 270 00:20:05,901 --> 00:20:08,415 that salivates unspeakable slobber, 271 00:20:08,581 --> 00:20:11,016 doesn't mean it's a bad person. 272 00:20:11,181 --> 00:20:13,615 What we've got to is get it round a table, 273 00:20:13,639 --> 00:20:15,937 put together a solution package. Perhaps over tea and biscuits. 274 00:20:16,141 --> 00:20:18,530 Look at him. You can't trust his opinion. 275 00:20:18,701 --> 00:20:20,692 He's got no anger. He's a total dork. 276 00:20:20,901 --> 00:20:25,020 Good point, Kryten. Let's take that on board, shall we? 277 00:20:25,181 --> 00:20:27,855 David... David. Do you have anything you want to bring to this forum? 278 00:20:29,341 --> 00:20:31,491 Well, yes. I have, actually, Arnold. 279 00:20:31,661 --> 00:20:33,937 Why don't we go down to the ammunition stores, 280 00:20:34,101 --> 00:20:37,696 get the nuclear warheads and then strap one to my head. 281 00:20:37,861 --> 00:20:40,057 I'll nut the smegger to oblivion. 282 00:20:40,861 --> 00:20:45,298 Right, well, that's very nice, David. Let's put that on the back burner, shall we? 283 00:20:45,461 --> 00:20:47,896 Cat, let's have your contribution. Come on. 284 00:20:48,061 --> 00:20:51,417 Hey, don't ask me my opinion. I'm nobody. Just pretend I'm not here. 285 00:20:51,621 --> 00:20:56,172 That's lovely. Thank you very much. Moving on a step... 286 00:20:56,381 --> 00:21:00,056 and I hope no-one thinks that I'm setting myself up as self-elected chairperson. 287 00:21:00,221 --> 00:21:04,180 Just see me as a facilitator. Kryten, what's your view? Don't be shy. 288 00:21:04,341 --> 00:21:06,901 Well, I think we should send Lister in as a decoy, 289 00:21:07,061 --> 00:21:09,052 and while it's busy eating him alive, 290 00:21:09,221 --> 00:21:12,259 we could creep up on it unawares and blast it into the stratosphere. 291 00:21:12,901 --> 00:21:16,178 Good plan. That's the best plan yet. 292 00:21:16,341 --> 00:21:18,571 Let it get knackered eating me to death, 293 00:21:18,821 --> 00:21:20,812 then you guys can just, like, catch it unawares. 294 00:21:21,461 --> 00:21:23,771 Well, that's certainly an option, David, yes. 295 00:21:23,941 --> 00:21:28,139 Um, but here's my proposal. Let's get tough. 296 00:21:28,301 --> 00:21:30,531 The time for talking is over. 297 00:21:30,701 --> 00:21:34,979 Call it extreme if you like, but I propose we hit it hard and hit it fast 298 00:21:35,141 --> 00:21:40,056 with a major, and I mean major, leaflet campaign. 299 00:21:40,221 --> 00:21:44,340 And while it's reeling from that, we follow up with a whist drive, 300 00:21:44,501 --> 00:21:47,061 a car-boot sale, some street theatre 301 00:21:47,221 --> 00:21:49,690 and possibly even some benefit concerts. OK? 302 00:21:49,861 --> 00:21:53,980 Now, if that's not enough, I'm sorry, it's time for the T-shirts. 303 00:21:54,141 --> 00:21:59,500 "Mutants Out." "Chameleonic Life Forms? No, Thanks." 304 00:21:59,661 --> 00:22:01,937 And if that's not enough, then I don't know what will be! 305 00:22:02,141 --> 00:22:06,533 Has anyone ever told you that you are a disgusting pus-filled bubo 306 00:22:06,701 --> 00:22:09,170 who has all the wit, charm and self-possession 307 00:22:09,341 --> 00:22:12,015 of an Alsatian dog after a head-swap operation? 308 00:22:13,661 --> 00:22:17,541 Listen, you bunch of tarts, it's clobbering time! 309 00:22:17,701 --> 00:22:21,057 There's a body bag out there with that scud-ball's name on it. 310 00:22:21,221 --> 00:22:25,738 And I'm doing up the zip. Anyone who gets in my way gets a napalm enema. 311 00:22:26,821 --> 00:22:31,816 (SLURS) I think everybody's right, except me, so just forget I spoke, huh? 312 00:22:32,021 --> 00:22:36,731 Um, I think we're all beginning to lose sight of the real issue here, 313 00:22:36,901 --> 00:22:39,814 which is what are we going to call ourselves? 314 00:22:39,981 --> 00:22:45,101 I think it comes down to a choice between the League Against Salivating Monsters 315 00:22:45,261 --> 00:22:47,491 or my own personal preference, 316 00:22:47,661 --> 00:22:51,211 which is the Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms 317 00:22:51,381 --> 00:22:54,373 and their Rehabilitation Into Society. 318 00:22:54,541 --> 00:22:57,932 Erm, one drawback with that, the abbreviation is CLITORIS. 319 00:23:01,781 --> 00:23:03,772 Look, it needs killing! 320 00:23:03,941 --> 00:23:09,061 If that means I have to sacrifice my life in some stupid, pointless way, then all the better. 321 00:23:09,261 --> 00:23:12,060 Yes. Why not? I mean, even if it doesn't work, it'll still be a laugh. 322 00:23:13,021 --> 00:23:16,935 Right, so let's just cut all of this business and get on with it. 323 00:23:17,101 --> 00:23:20,219 Last one alive's a wet ponce. Who's with me? 324 00:23:20,421 --> 00:23:23,061 Well, the car stickers aren't ready till Thursday, 325 00:23:23,221 --> 00:23:26,373 but sometimes one just has to act spontaneously. 326 00:23:26,541 --> 00:23:28,851 - People, let's go. - I'm coming, too. 327 00:23:29,021 --> 00:23:31,092 Maybe I can bum some money from him. 328 00:23:31,261 --> 00:23:36,051 Maybe if I hand you guys over, it'll let me go. Move it, suckers! 329 00:23:48,181 --> 00:23:49,979 (GROWLING) 330 00:24:08,781 --> 00:24:10,852 (RIMMER) # Love everybody 331 00:24:11,021 --> 00:24:13,012 # All you need is love... # 332 00:24:13,181 --> 00:24:15,172 Come on, you chicken! 333 00:24:15,341 --> 00:24:18,732 Show us your slobbery chops and we'll blow them off. 334 00:24:20,861 --> 00:24:24,058 Here they are, nice juicy humans. Come and get them. 335 00:24:24,221 --> 00:24:26,690 Here, mutie-mutant! 336 00:24:28,581 --> 00:24:30,379 (GROWLS) 337 00:24:39,181 --> 00:24:40,854 (ROARS) 338 00:24:48,701 --> 00:24:51,341 Phewee! What am I wearing? 339 00:24:51,541 --> 00:24:54,260 Oh, how can you ever forgive me, sirs? 340 00:24:54,421 --> 00:24:56,697 Naturally, I will commit suicide immediately. 341 00:24:56,861 --> 00:25:00,058 Hey, we were all a bit whacked out there. 342 00:25:00,221 --> 00:25:02,974 - You can say that again. - Come on, let's go and clean up. 343 00:25:03,141 --> 00:25:05,337 If I don't get into some coordinated evening wear, 344 00:25:05,501 --> 00:25:10,621 I'm going to have to resign my post as Most Handsome Guy on the Ship. 345 00:25:30,381 --> 00:25:32,531 (CACKLES AND ROARS) 346 00:25:36,941 --> 00:25:39,774 # It's cold outside There's no kind of atmosphere 347 00:25:39,941 --> 00:25:43,252 # I'm all alone, more or less 348 00:25:43,421 --> 00:25:46,618 # Let me fly far away from here 349 00:25:46,781 --> 00:25:49,455 # Fun, fun, fun 350 00:25:49,621 --> 00:25:53,171 # In the sun, sun, sun 351 00:25:53,341 --> 00:25:56,697 # I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose 352 00:25:56,861 --> 00:25:59,979 # Drinking fresh mango juice 353 00:26:00,141 --> 00:26:03,452 # Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes 354 00:26:03,621 --> 00:26:06,181 # Fun, fun, fun 355 00:26:06,341 --> 00:26:10,050 # In the sun, sun, sun 356 00:26:10,221 --> 00:26:12,895 # Fun, fun, fun 357 00:26:13,061 --> 00:26:17,294 # In the sun, sun, sun #