1 00:00:02,200 --> 00:00:05,033 ("RED DWARF" THEME) 2 00:00:39,420 --> 00:00:41,871 - OK, let's try again. What is it? - It's a banana. 3 00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:44,031 No, it isn't, try again. What is it? 4 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:46,714 - A banana? - No, it isn't. What is it? 5 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:50,356 It's an urrrr... It's an urrrr... 6 00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:52,597 It's an orange. Go on, say it. It's an orange. 7 00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:56,435 - This is an orange. - It's an orrrr... 8 00:00:56,600 --> 00:01:00,912 It's an orrrr... It's a banana. It's no good, sir. I just can't do it. 9 00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:04,636 You CAN do it. I'm gonna teach you how. OK, what's this? 10 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:07,275 - An ap... - No, no, no, what is it? 11 00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:11,758 Oh, it's no good, sir. I just can't lie. I'm programmed always to tell the truth. 12 00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:15,555 Kryten, it's easy. Look - an orange, a melon, 13 00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:18,109 a female aardvark. 14 00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:21,639 Oh, that is just so superb, sir! How DO you do that? 15 00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:24,030 Especially calling a banana an aardvark. 16 00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:27,158 An aardvark isn't even a fruit. Hahaha. It's total genius. 17 00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:32,990 - Let's start again. - Sir, my head is spinning, we've been doing this all morning. 18 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:36,477 Kryten, I'm going to teach you how to lie and cheat, if it's the last thing I do. 19 00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:39,109 I want you to be unpleasant, cruel and sarcastic. 20 00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:42,671 It's the only way to break your programming, man. Make you independent. 21 00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:47,078 Well, I'm truly grateful, sir. Don't you think I'd love to be deceitful, unpleasant and offensive. 22 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:51,313 Those are the human qualities I admire the most. But I just can't do it. 23 00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:53,357 - You can! - I can't. 24 00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:55,312 - Look, what's this? - No! 25 00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:57,158 - What is it? - Please! 26 00:01:57,360 --> 00:01:59,397 - Come on! What is it?! - It's a... It's a... 27 00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:03,394 It's a small, off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden. 28 00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:05,876 Yes! You did it! You did it! What's this? 29 00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:08,833 - It's a red and blue striped golfing umbrella. - Kryten! Yes! 30 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:10,673 - What's this? - It's an apple. 31 00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:13,036 - No. What is it? - It's a... It's... 32 00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:15,800 It's the Bolivian navy on manoeuvres in the South Pacific! 33 00:02:16,600 --> 00:02:19,069 - Kryten, man, you can do it. - No, I can't. 34 00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:22,039 Yes, you... ooh, ooh. Nice one! 35 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:26,359 Well, I can't hang around here. I better go away and take the penguin for a walk. 36 00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:29,114 I can do it! I did it again! I can lie! 37 00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:32,477 - Cat, Cat!, come here. Come here. Check this. Check this. - Check what? 38 00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:35,200 Concentrate, Kryten. What's this? 39 00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:37,516 It's a banana. 40 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:40,271 - What's this? - It's an orange. 41 00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:43,393 - What's this? - (SQUEAKS) Apple. 42 00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:46,433 You taught him that? That's terrific. 43 00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:50,638 You two should audition for "What's My Fruit?" 44 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:53,309 - He did it wrong, man. - Oh, it gets better? 45 00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:56,279 - I just can't do it. - You can, you just did it. 46 00:02:56,480 --> 00:03:00,030 I just can't do it, not when there's someone else there. What's a suitable human analogy? 47 00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:05,798 It's like trying to urinate in a public lavatory, when you're standing next to a man two foot taller than you. 48 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:09,430 - It's just not possible. - What are you trying to do, exactly? 49 00:03:09,640 --> 00:03:12,359 - He's trying to teach me how to lie, sir. - Any particular reason? 50 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:17,031 Yeah. Lying's a vital part of your psychological defence system. You're naked without it. 51 00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:20,551 If you can't lie, then you can't conceal your true intentions from other people. 52 00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:22,476 Sometimes that's essential. 53 00:03:22,500 --> 00:03:27,716 I mean like, take Nelson, when he put the telescope to his blind eye and said, "I see no ships." 54 00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:32,670 Or like Humphrey Bogart at the end of "Casablanca", when he lies to Victor Laszlo to protect the guy's feelings. 55 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:36,396 I understand the theory, sir. How many times have you made me watch that movie? 56 00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:39,996 I understand that it can be noble to lie. I just can't do it. 57 00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:43,192 Kryten, you can. Look, what's this? 58 00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:46,671 It's a banana. It always has been a banana. It always will be a banana. 59 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:50,196 It's a yellow fruit that you unzip and eat the white bits. It's a banana! 60 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:54,118 - Lister, have you got Kryten there with you? - Yeah, what's the prob? 61 00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:57,676 The problem is I've been waiting fully 20 minutes for him in the hangar. 62 00:03:57,880 --> 00:04:01,714 Oh, spin my nipple nuts and send me to Alaska! 63 00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:04,030 I'm supposed to take him asteroid spotting. 64 00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:07,551 - I'll be right down, sir. - You'd better be. 65 00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:10,115 Kryten, remember yesterday's class, 'An Introduction To Insults'? 66 00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:11,127 I'm not sure... 67 00:04:11,151 --> 00:04:13,597 Now, how do we describe the gentleman who's just been on the screen? 68 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:15,916 - He's Mr R... - No, no, no. Come on. He's a... 69 00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:19,072 - He's a smeee... - Nearly. Come on. Nearly. 70 00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:21,556 - He's a smeee... - He's a... 71 00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:25,230 He's a smeee... He's a smeeeg... 72 00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:27,477 heeeeead. 73 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:29,631 I did it! 74 00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:34,715 Brutal. Now the ultimate test - can you say it to him in person? 75 00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:39,355 Ah, Kryten. At last. Glad you could make it this millennium. 76 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,278 Smeeeee.... 77 00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:46,156 - Pardon? - Smeeeee...heeeee.... 78 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:49,236 - What? - You're a smeeeee...heeeee.... 79 00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:52,074 Oh, forget it. 80 00:04:57,440 --> 00:05:00,432 (RIMMER) Kryten is there any possibility we could we go just a bit faster? 81 00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:03,359 I mean, so we're not being overtaken by stationary objects? 82 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:06,477 Sir, you're a smeeeee... 83 00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:12,919 - A smee. - A smeeeee.. heeeee.... 84 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:15,751 A smee-hee. 85 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:18,236 A complete and total one. 86 00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:21,751 Hang about. I'm picking something up. Some kind of distress beacon. 87 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:24,679 I copy that, Holly. Quadrant four-niner-seven. 88 00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:26,996 - What is it? - Hard to tell, 89 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,800 but whatever it is appears to be marooned on a planet in decaying orbit. 90 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:32,833 - What's the safety margin? - Planet'll explode in about two hours. 91 00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:37,159 - Forget it. It's too dangerous. Kryten, head for home. - We can't just leave them there, sir. 92 00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:40,631 - There may be survivors. - Leave it, Kryten. That's an order. 93 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:42,558 (BLEEPING) 94 00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:46,918 - What are you doing?! - I'm not plotting a course, sir. Nor am I taking her down. 95 00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:48,345 Yes, you are! 96 00:05:48,369 --> 00:05:52,069 Neither am I rendezvousing with the crashed vessel, nor seeking for survivors. 97 00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:55,870 Kryten, are committing an act of mutiny. I could have you dismantled for this. 98 00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:58,196 Smeeeeeg.... heeeee.... 99 00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:00,351 Oh, damn my programming! 100 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:02,551 (ENGINES ROAR) 101 00:06:06,140 --> 00:06:07,820 (TV SHOW THEME PLAYING) 102 00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:11,077 They're not back yet? They've been hours. 103 00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:13,794 - No sign. What are you watching? - Oh, just a vid. 104 00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:15,997 - This is a classic, man. - What is it? 105 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:19,039 "Tales Of The Riverbank: The Next Generation." 106 00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:22,875 Oh, right. I've seen this. It's not as good as the original. 107 00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:25,515 Well, they never really found anyone to replace Hammy Hamster, did they? 108 00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:30,270 How could they? The dude was a diva. He smouldered. The camera loved him. 109 00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:33,233 Yeah. He was the rodent equivalent of Marlon Brando. 110 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:35,750 Whatever happened-whatever happened to old Hammy? 111 00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:39,231 One minute he's a huge star running around on his own personalised gold wheel 112 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:42,631 with as much Edam as he could hold in his little cheeks, 113 00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:44,916 the next, obscurity. 114 00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:48,675 Probably went on the slide. The series ended, couldn't find any more work, 115 00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:51,096 and then the ultimate humiliation... 116 00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:52,595 hamstergrams. 117 00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:58,512 Well, thanks a bunch. Thanks a smegging buncharoony. 118 00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:02,953 - Rimmer, where ARE you? - That idiot droid has endangered this entire vessel 119 00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:05,873 by landing on a planet that's about to explode, 120 00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:08,793 thanks to your foundation course in advanced rebellion. 121 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:12,789 - Why? - So he can go and search some starship escape vessel 122 00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:16,396 because there's a million-to-one chance there may be a survivor. 123 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:18,416 What? And you let him go off on his own? 124 00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:20,856 Of course I let him go on his own. I was glad to get rid of him. 125 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:22,996 He's flipped. He's got mad droid disease. 126 00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:27,199 He kept waving a banana in front of me and calling it a female aardvark. 127 00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:30,635 Ah, well, hmm, you'd better get after him then hadn't you? 128 00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:33,679 - I mean, he might need some help. - Lister, this is your fault. 129 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:41,873 Hello? Is there anyone here? 130 00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:45,551 Can anyone read me? 131 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:48,714 Oh, dear. What a terrible mess. 132 00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:55,240 Ohh! 133 00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:59,837 Help! Mr Rimmer, sir! Sir? 134 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:16,319 I thank you from the very bottom of my rehydration units. You saved my life. 135 00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:19,199 You responded to my distress call. You saved mine. 136 00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:22,591 - My name is Kryten. - They call me Camille. Pleased to make your acquaintance. 137 00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:26,714 - Are you a 4000 series? - Yes, I'm the 4000 series GTi. 138 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:30,629 GTi! Oh, wow! I'm just a plain old 4000 series. 139 00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:35,920 You've got all the luxury extras, like realistic toes and a slide-back sunroof head. 140 00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:38,549 Why are you looking at me like that? Is there something wrong? 141 00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:44,229 Sorry. Stare mode cancel. It's just you have really amazing eyes. 142 00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:49,719 Well...they're just the old 579s with the automatic 15 F-stop cornea. 143 00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:53,236 If you like, I could pop them out and you could borrow them. 144 00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:55,676 Oh, heck. What a jerky thing to say. 145 00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:58,992 I don't believe you would ever say anything which I would consider jerky. 146 00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:00,713 - Really? - Really. 147 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:05,039 Wow. Uh, listen, I...I know this is going to sound like a corny line, 148 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:10,479 but has anyone ever told you that the configuration and juxtaposition of your features is extraordinarily apposite? 149 00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:14,071 - You really know all the lines, don't you? - No, I really mean it. 150 00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:17,437 The way the light catches the angles in your head - it's enchanting. 151 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:20,951 - My name is Kryten. - You already said. 152 00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:24,596 Oh yes, Gosh. You must think me as stupid as a photocopier. 153 00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:28,434 So, where are the crew? What happened here? 154 00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:31,877 Kryten, do you believe in advanced mutual compatibility 155 00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:34,600 on the basis of a primary initial ident? 156 00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:37,110 You mean, what humans call "love at first sight"? 157 00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:39,391 That would be an adequate synonym, yes. 158 00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:43,309 Well, up until a few moments ago, I would have said it had a probability of zero squared. 159 00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:46,717 - And now? - Uh... This gantry is unstable. 160 00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:49,315 I suggest you hang on to me. 161 00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:52,393 Oh, what is that fragrance? It smells divine. 162 00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:55,319 - WD-40. - I knew it. 163 00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:58,199 I knew it. That's what I use on my neck hinges too. 164 00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:01,518 Kryten, this shouldn't be happening. Do you feel it too? 165 00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:05,111 You mean the 93.72% compatibility factor? 166 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:09,791 - I make it 93.75. - Oh, yes. I forgot to carry the three. 167 00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:11,556 Then say it. I want to hear the words. 168 00:10:11,580 --> 00:10:14,153 Oh, but it sounds so ridiculous coming from a mechanoid. 169 00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:16,715 - Then say them in machine language. - OK. 170 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:22,000 In Z80012, you see, hex rather than binary, and converting to a basic ASCII code, 171 00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:26,394 Camille, I think I E5-A9-08-B7 you. 172 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:30,637 - You really mean that? - Camille, I'd do anything for you. 173 00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:35,033 I'd compute a three-million-digit prime number with prime roots, if I thought it would make you happy. 174 00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:38,272 I'd evaluate pi to infinity if it would make you smile. 175 00:10:38,480 --> 00:10:42,189 Oh, Kryten. You make the most romantic calculations. 176 00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:44,829 (RIMMER) Kryten, can you read me? What's happening? 177 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:46,991 - There are others? - Yes, why? What's wrong? 178 00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:49,151 - I can't meet them. - What do you mean? 179 00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:52,358 The two of us alone, we could make that work. Please, don't ask me to explain. 180 00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:55,399 But Camille, this whole planet is about to blow, there isn't time! 181 00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:57,915 Please, I can't meet your shipmates. Trust me. 182 00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:00,879 But you don't know them. You'll like them. Well, some of them. 183 00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:04,271 Well, one of them...maybe. 184 00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:06,431 Sir. I'm making my way back. 185 00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:11,356 - What's kept you? - I've found a survivor, sir. We're coming in. 186 00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:22,199 Kryten, please don't make me do this. I'm begging you. 187 00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:24,829 Now just relax. Everything's going to be fine. 188 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:26,320 Mr Rimmer, sir? 189 00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:29,438 - Where the smeg have you been? - Mr Rimmer, sir. This is Camille. 190 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:32,877 Camille, this is Second Tech Rimmer. She saved my life, sir. 191 00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:35,350 (DREAMY MUSIC) 192 00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:38,230 Yes, well... Howdy. 193 00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:42,670 - Howdy. - You see? I knew you'd get along. Didn't I tell you? 194 00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:47,471 Well, we haven't got much time. I'd better go and startup the engines and get us clear of the impact zone. 195 00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:52,117 - I'll come with you. - No, no, no, no. You wait here and get acquainted. 196 00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:56,350 Can I get you anything... or anything? 197 00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:59,234 No. No, no. I'm fine, thanks. 198 00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:02,756 I just can't believe I've met another hologram after all these years. 199 00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:07,391 - Yes. I was Second Technician aboard that crate. - Second Technician, that's what I am. 200 00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:11,150 I always wanted to go further, but I'm a real dope when it comes to exams. 201 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:13,158 Me too. 202 00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:15,831 So, er... what do they call you? 203 00:12:16,040 --> 00:12:21,433 Well, my first name is Arnold, but the guys generally call me... Duke. 204 00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:24,036 Duke? 205 00:12:24,060 --> 00:12:26,710 Yes, well they don't call me Duke absolutely all the time. 206 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:30,510 In fact, sometimes months can elapse and they won't call me "Duke" at all. 207 00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:34,674 So don't call me "Duke" in front of anyone... because they might have forgotten... 208 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:36,831 you know, that they call me "Duke". 209 00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:39,236 Sorry, I'm blabbering, I'm not very good at small talk. 210 00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:42,592 - Oh, I think you're perfectly charming. - Do you? 211 00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:46,355 Well, thank you. No one's ever said I was charming before. 212 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:51,754 They've said, "Rimmer, you're a total git," but never charming, no. 213 00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:54,434 - Well, I think you're very charming. - Really? 214 00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:56,551 Very, VERY charming. 215 00:12:57,600 --> 00:13:00,797 Well, thank you. Um...thank you. 216 00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:04,635 I'd just better go and see how er... Kryten's getting on. 217 00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:06,598 Excusez-moi. 218 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:20,038 - She's quite something, isn't she, sir? - She's enchanting. 219 00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:22,390 - You think so? - She's got everything - 220 00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:24,710 style, taste, poise... 221 00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:29,238 - She's absolutely lovely. - Oh, I'm so glad you think so, sir. 222 00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:32,831 I don't mind telling you, I think there's some romance in the air. 223 00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:35,958 You sly old dog, Krytie! I think you're right. 224 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:40,519 Sure, her nose is a little loose, but to me that's just cute. 225 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:46,753 I'll tell you something. She's so like my sister-in-law Janine, it's untrue. 226 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:50,316 Camille looks like your sister-in-law? What happened? 227 00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:52,835 Was she involved in some kind of horrific car accident? 228 00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:57,914 Who, Janine? No, of course not, she was a model. 229 00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:02,079 - And she looked like Camille? - Absolutely. The resemblance is uncanny. 230 00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:05,193 What did she model? Spark plugs? 231 00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:08,113 - I happen to think she's very attractive. - You do?! 232 00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:10,834 - Certainly. - Do you think I'm attractive? 233 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:15,994 You? Of course not. I think you look like a giant half-chewed rubber-tipped pencil. 234 00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:20,115 Well... well you can think what the heck you like, 235 00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:24,877 because there are some people in this big old wide cosmos, who happen to think I'm pretty amazing-looking, 236 00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:28,920 especially in the eye department, I thank you so very much. 237 00:14:39,300 --> 00:14:41,450 You're back. I heard. 238 00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:44,678 - Ah, sir, you haven't met our visitor, Camille. - Hi. 239 00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:47,235 Well, if you'll excuse me, I'll go and prepare your quarters. 240 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:50,631 The penthouse suite on A Deck should suffice. 241 00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:58,153 Yeah, well, this looks fine. If you just like to remove your clothes, we'll begin the examination. 242 00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:01,310 Sorry. Dave Lister, ship's surgeon. 243 00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:04,954 - You're a surgeon? - Well, I'm not fully qualified, 244 00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:07,956 but I've seen every episode of "St Elsewhere". 245 00:15:07,980 --> 00:15:09,335 Still, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, y'know, 246 00:15:09,359 --> 00:15:10,938 we can completely dispense with the physical examination 247 00:15:10,962 --> 00:15:13,955 and go straight for the malpractice. 248 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:17,678 So just lie back, relax, and I'll go turn on the laughing gas. 249 00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:20,673 What do you want, giggles or guffaws? It's all the same to me. 250 00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:23,156 Something tells me you're not really a doctor. 251 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:28,474 What gave it away? The fact that I've gone fully ten seconds without patronising you? 252 00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:34,670 This is weird, y'know. The last two human beings in an infinite cosmos and we happen to bump into each other? 253 00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:38,999 - Yeah, it is weird, isn't it? - And you realise we have an awesome responsibility? 254 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,271 - We do? - Yeah. Sure we do. 255 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:44,398 We gotta rebuild the human race... as quickly as possible. 256 00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:48,309 Do you wanna start now or do you want to clean your teeth first? 257 00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:51,197 And they say romance is dead. 258 00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:55,951 Hey, the prospect of making love to a complete and total stranger is just as galling to me, y'know? 259 00:15:56,160 --> 00:16:00,154 We've got to be completely professional about this, totally clinical and unemotional. 260 00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:03,790 So just lie back, relax, and I'll go slip into my Spiderman costume. 261 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:09,919 Ah, Listy. I see you've met our ravishing guest. 262 00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:13,550 - Camille, have you seen Kryten? - He went up to the penthouse suite on A Deck. 263 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:15,751 Thanks muchly. 264 00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:19,199 Oh, Camille... It's just a silly thought, really, 265 00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:23,672 but I thought perhaps after you've settled in and you're feeling up to it, we could pop up to the projection room 266 00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:28,556 and I could talk you through my photo collection of 20th-century telegraph poles. 267 00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:31,394 Yeah, or if you fancy a slightly more entertaining evening, 268 00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:35,514 you can just let him take you outside and shoot you through the head. 269 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:40,157 As it happens, Listy, Camille is into telegraph poles every bit as much as I am, 270 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:43,876 especially the 1952 Phase IVs with the triple-reinforced wire. 271 00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:47,351 - What? You're into telegraph poles? - Of course not. 272 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:51,269 You see? What did I tell you. And she's also a big fan of Reggie Wilson. 273 00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:55,155 - What? You like Hammond organ music?! - It's mindless pap. 274 00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:58,352 Absolutely amazing, eh? Reggie Wilson, telegraph poles... 275 00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:00,875 It's uncanny how much we've got in common. 276 00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:03,515 - Are you OK, Rimmer? - Never better. 277 00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:07,071 Where is he, A Deck? Ciao for now. 278 00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:12,915 - What was all that about? - What about? 279 00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:17,398 You know, you were saying one thing and Rimmer was hearing another. How do you do that? 280 00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:20,874 Well, you'd probably have worked it out eventually. 281 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,031 I'm a Pleasure GELF. 282 00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:34,430 Hey, what's going on, buddy? 283 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:38,838 Eraserhead tells me she's a mechanoid and Captain Sadness makes out she's a hologram. 284 00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:41,839 Well, she's both of those and neither of those. She's a GELF. 285 00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:44,395 - GELF? - Yeah. A Genetically Engineered Life Form. 286 00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:48,155 She's a Pleasure GELF, created to be everyone's perfect companion. 287 00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:53,190 Everyone who looks at her perceives her differently. You see what you wanna see, guy, what you most desire. 288 00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:56,836 Are you telling me if I go into that room, I'll see my perfect mate? 289 00:17:57,000 --> 00:18:00,834 Mmm, yeah, and she'll fall instantly in love with you. 290 00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:04,595 What exquisite treasure of loveliness lies behind those doors? 291 00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:10,551 Well, knowing you, a 6ft Valkyrie warrior maiden in scanty armour with a cleavage you could ski down. 292 00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:12,757 Stop. You're making me dribble. 293 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:14,991 Well, here goes. 294 00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:23,598 Hi, buddy. 295 00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:26,790 - You're me. - Who else? 296 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:31,039 - I'm the object of my own desire? - Can you think of anyone more deserving? 297 00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:36,838 Well, if you put it like that, I guess you're right. Damn my vanity! 298 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:39,594 (BOTH) Ooow! 299 00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:45,791 - What did you see? - Oh, just some gorgeous chunk of loveliness. 300 00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,634 - Come on, what did you see? - Ooh, what a body! 301 00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:51,440 - What did you see?! - My legs are still shaking. 302 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:55,719 - Cat, what did you see?!! - Someone get me a brandy! 303 00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:04,231 Well, I should've guessed. It was all a mighty bit too strange. 304 00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:09,190 I mean, actually meeting someone who didn't want to vomit all over me in complete loathing and disgust. 305 00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:12,320 I shouldn't take it so personally, sir. It's the same for all of us. 306 00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:16,235 We all been made to feel foolish, used, chewed up and spat out. 307 00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:20,479 Look, she didn't mean us any harm. She can't control how we see her. 308 00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:22,956 She's...a mirror for our obsessions. 309 00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:27,233 - Holly, what did you see? - I didn't see anything. I don't think I've got any desires. 310 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,630 Either that, or me screen was foggy. 311 00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:35,679 I guess I owe you all an apology. 312 00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:38,554 Sorry, Dave. 313 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:41,115 Sorry, Duke. 314 00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:44,836 - Sorry, buddy. - Heartbreaker! 315 00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:48,751 I told you it wouldn't work, Kryten, if there were others. 316 00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:52,078 You're the one who's hurt the most. You're not used to these emotions. 317 00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:53,636 Why did you lie to me? 318 00:19:53,660 --> 00:19:57,753 Because I felt something really special for you. Something I'd never felt before. 319 00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:01,117 I knew if you saw me as I really was, you'd be repelled. 320 00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,118 Well, try me. 321 00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:06,671 Turn away and I'll change. I'll change to what I really am. 322 00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:10,951 (SQUELCH!) 323 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:13,513 I'm ready. 324 00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:22,231 - This is what I really look like. - Oh. 325 00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:26,915 - What do you think? - Well, I think you look... really nice. 326 00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:32,709 Nice? She looks like something that dropped out of the Sphinx's nose! 327 00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:37,393 He's right. I'm just a huge green blob. 328 00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:40,991 True, but as huge green blobs go, I think you're really cute. 329 00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:45,669 - I don't believe you. - OK, so you're never going to get on the cover of 'Vogue', 330 00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:47,956 but, hey, neither am I. 331 00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:50,634 - I think you're really sweet. - You're lying. 332 00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:54,919 - I can't lie. I'm a mechanoid. - You really don't think I'm repulsive? 333 00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:59,000 Of course not. There's some humans not as attractive as you. 334 00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:03,358 Take Karl Malden, and he was a famous actor. 335 00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:05,241 You think this changes anything? 336 00:21:05,265 --> 00:21:09,152 Camille, I'd be really grateful if you would join me for dinner tonight. 337 00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:14,196 - You mean that? - Parrot's Bar on G-Deck. I'll meet you there at eight. 338 00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:17,516 Flats or heels? 339 00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:26,759 I can't believe he's really going through with this. 340 00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:33,036 Look, if Kryten wants to take an amorphous green blob for a discreet téte-a-tentacle, 341 00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:35,714 - I say good luck to him. - I mean, me too. 342 00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:37,763 I mean, we all react differently don't we? 343 00:21:37,787 --> 00:21:40,272 When Steve McQueen met the Blob, he tried to kill it. 344 00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:43,432 it probably never crossed his mind to try and take it out to a restaurant. 345 00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:46,599 I have a great idea. They should go to a sushi bar. 346 00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:50,071 At least that way, the food won't look better than his date. 347 00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:54,272 Sir. I respect your sense of dress more than anything, 348 00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:57,717 and I'd really appreciate your opinion of this outfit. 349 00:21:57,880 --> 00:22:02,750 Kryten, if I was going out with a large ball of green slime, that's how I'd dress. 350 00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:07,269 Thank you, sir. That means a lot to me. Well... 351 00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:09,716 don't wait up! 352 00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:15,520 (PIANO PLAYS LOUNGE MUSIC) 353 00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:21,951 (SLURPS) 354 00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:29,832 - Isn't this enchanting? - Oh, Kryten. 355 00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:33,834 - Do you think we could make it, you and I? - It's the old, old story. 356 00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:36,276 Droid meets droid. Droid becomes chameleon. 357 00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:40,229 Droid loses chameleon. Chameleon becomes blob. Droid gets blob back again. 358 00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:43,950 - It's a classic tale. - A toast, my love. 359 00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:46,271 To us. 360 00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:51,550 (DISCO MUSIC) 361 00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:59,875 (MUSIC: "THE BLUE DANUBE") 362 00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:03,550 (MUSIC: "AS TIME GOES BY") 363 00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:07,674 "Casablanca." What a movie. I must have seen it a thousand times. 364 00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:10,229 Lister used to use it as part of my course. 365 00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:13,199 It's littered with examples of how lying can be noble. 366 00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:17,509 From now on, my angel, "Casablanca" will be our movie, and... 367 00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:21,833 Sorry to gooseberry, Kryten, but we've got a visitor down in the hangar. He wants to see Camille. 368 00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:26,270 I was going to tell you, Kryten. Truly I was. 369 00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:27,617 You have a husband?! 370 00:23:27,641 --> 00:23:31,077 We're androgynous, but I suppose you could call him my husband. 371 00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:36,155 Hector has a brilliant mind. He's been working on an antidote for our condition for years. 372 00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:39,432 - Hector's a blob too? - We're both blobs, Kryten. 373 00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:43,150 I left him a long time ago. I thought he'd given up looking. 374 00:23:43,360 --> 00:23:45,874 - He must really think a lot of you. - I guess. 375 00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:49,914 - What will you do? - I'm going to tell him I met someone else. 376 00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:54,358 I'm going to tell him I'm staying here with you. 377 00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:03,314 Mr Lister sir, would you be so kind as to take Camille's bag on board? 378 00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:07,878 - Certainly, Kryten. Anything you say. - Why my bag, Kryten? 379 00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:11,232 Because you're getting on that craft with Hector where you belong. 380 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:13,431 - No, Kryten. - Now you've got to listen to me 381 00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:16,831 Do you have any idea what you've got to look forward to if you stay here? 382 00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:20,431 - You're saying this only to make me go. - We both know you belong to Hector. 383 00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:22,534 You're part of his work. You're what keeps him going. 384 00:24:22,558 --> 00:24:25,390 If you're not on that craft when it leaves the hangar, you'll regret it, 385 00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:29,758 maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, for the rest of your life. 386 00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:32,998 - What about us? - We'll always have Parrot's. 387 00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:36,511 - Oh, Kryten. - I'm no good at being noble, kid. 388 00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:43,120 But it's pretty obvious that problems of two blobs and a droid don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy cosmos. 389 00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:47,750 (HECTOR) Are you ready, Camille? 390 00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:51,275 I'm ready. Goodbye, Kryten. 391 00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:53,431 God bless you. 392 00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:57,634 (MELODRAMATIC MUSIC) 393 00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:04,288 You were lying, Kryten. 394 00:25:04,312 --> 00:25:07,472 Yes it hurt to do it, but it was her best shot at happiness. 395 00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:11,833 It's the old, old story. Droid meets droid. Droid becomes chameleon. 396 00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:15,516 Droid loses chameleon. Chameleon turns into blob. Droid gets blob back again. 397 00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:20,151 Blob meets blob. Blob goes off with blob and droid loses blob, chameleon and droid. 398 00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:23,631 How many times have we seen that story? 399 00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:26,952 - I suppose you're gonna blame me for all this aren't you? - Yes, I am. 400 00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:32,149 Without your lessons, without your bananas and your movies and your aardvarks, none of this could have happened. 401 00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:34,630 You're a complete and total smeghead. 402 00:25:35,360 --> 00:25:37,510 Brutal, Kryten. You just insulted me. 403 00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:40,234 Yes. I can lie, cheat AND be offensive now. 404 00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:45,340 Kryten, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship. 405 00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:51,876 # It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere 406 00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:55,317 # I'm all alone, more or less 407 00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:58,632 # Let me fly far away from here 408 00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:01,440 # Fun, fun, fun 409 00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:05,150 # In the sun, sun, sun 410 00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:08,597 # I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose 411 00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:11,832 # Drinking fresh mango juice 412 00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:15,277 # Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes 413 00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:18,034 # Fun, fun, fun 414 00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:21,750 # In the sun, sun, sun 415 00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:24,594 # Fun, fun, fun 416 00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:28,879 # In the sun, sun, sun #