1
00:00:02,280 --> 00:00:05,079
("RED DWARF" THEME)

2
00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:47,434
(BLEEPING AND CLICKING)

3
00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:51,110
(INDISTINCT EXCITED CHATTER)

4
00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:54,194
(INDISTINCT)

5
00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:56,789
Stand by. She's coming round.

6
00:00:57,960 --> 00:01:00,634
There's something out there, man. Some kind of UFO.
We're clamping on.

7
00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:03,076
(ALL CHATTER)

8
00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:06,591
- Visual down! Radar down! What's happening?
- Something's knocked out the entire desk!

9
00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:08,916
(WHIRRING)

10
00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:17,870
- What are you all looking at me like that for?
- You've just unplugged the console!

11
00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:20,720
That's right. I'm blow-drying my hair.

12
00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:24,350
- We are tracking a UFO.
- Oh, you're tracking a UFO,

13
00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:27,433
so I have to sit around looking
like the Bride of Frankenstein?

14
00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:30,996
- Use another socket.
- This is beyond belief.

15
00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:34,994
A spaceship five miles long and it don't fit
enough plug sockets in the scanning room!

16
00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:37,237
There's plenty of plug sockets
in the scanning room, Cat.

17
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:40,950
They're all taken up with your
beauty aids. Now, use a wall socket.

18
00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:45,438
What?! Unplug my hot wax strip
unsightly hair remover?!

19
00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:49,952
Yes. Unplug your hot wax strip
unsightly hair remover!

20
00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:52,151
I don't believe this.

21
00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:56,757
We finally get to encounter an alien species,
and have to meet them with a wavery bikini line!

22
00:01:57,880 --> 00:02:01,271
It's back, bearing zero-niner-zero.
Adjust 1% portside.

23
00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:03,954
1% portside. C locked on...

24
00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:12,754
All right. OK. I'll use gel. Everybody happy?

25
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:15,315
Stabilise pitch. Reduce correctives...

26
00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:21,047
(LISTER) What the hell is it?

27
00:02:21,071 --> 00:02:25,676
I've no idea, sir. The craft does
not appear to be of Earth construction.

28
00:02:25,840 --> 00:02:29,975
- Aliens. They're probably going to return Glenn Miller.
- What?

29
00:02:29,999 --> 00:02:33,549
That's what they do. All those people
who inexplicably vanish, they return them.

30
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:39,636
Ah, smeg! That's all we need. Glenn Miller on
board boring us to death with "Pennsylvania 6-5000".

31
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:42,235
Kryten, open communication channels.

32
00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:46,353
(RIMMER) We don't want him! Go away!

33
00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:49,672
You took him. You can keep the smegger!

34
00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:58,393
How deliciously bizarre. The hall's molecular
structure conforms to no known element.

35
00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:03,714
Whoever or whatever made this thing
had access to a technology far in advanced of our own.

36
00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:06,912
- OK, look, let's split up.
- Why? Why should we split up?

37
00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:08,617
Well, we'll do the search quicker.

38
00:03:08,641 --> 00:03:12,837
What's the hurry? Have you got some major
luncheon appointment you have to rush off to?

39
00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:15,600
- What's your problem?
- I'm not teaming up with him.

40
00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:18,997
- Me? What's wrong with me?
- You're totally egocentric,

41
00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:21,879
you flee at the first sign of trouble,
you only look after number one

42
00:03:21,903 --> 00:03:24,997
you're vain, you're selfish, you're narcissistic and you're self-obsessed.

43
00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:27,191
You just listed my all my best features.

44
00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:31,392
- I'm going with Kryten.
- Come on, Cat.

45
00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:42,103
Er, Kryten, you take point.
I've seen those movies.

46
00:03:42,127 --> 00:03:44,589
It's always the guy in the lead who
buys it first. You take the front.

47
00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:47,445
Well, if it's movies we're talking about, sir.
In my experience it's usually the poor fellow

48
00:03:47,469 --> 00:03:50,153
who's bringing up the rear
gets who gets picked off first,

49
00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:52,709
so the others aren't aware they're under attack.

50
00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:57,272
You're right, you're right. Can you take the front
and the back, so I can go in the middle?

51
00:03:57,440 --> 00:03:59,556
I'll do my best, sir.

52
00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:15,680
- Go, Kryten.
- We've found something, sir.

53
00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:18,400
- Yeah?
- I think it's one of the crew.

54
00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:23,270
A hideously malformed triple-headed skeleton
with putrefied flesh hanging from it.

55
00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:26,512
it fell through Rimmer as we opened the lift door.

56
00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:31,436
- Is he all right?
- I believe he's just discovered what shirt tails are for.

57
00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:36,470
(RIMMER) All right, Kryten. You don't have to make me sound
like a complete cowardly gimboid git. I'm fine now.

58
00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:40,679
(KRYTEN) So, shall I cancel the order
to find your mother?

59
00:04:40,840 --> 00:04:43,878
- (RIMMER) Is that thing still on?
- Hey, look at this.

60
00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:46,212
Don't mess around with that, man.
We don't know what it does.

61
00:04:46,236 --> 00:04:47,869
I'm just taking a look.

62
00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:50,759
Cheers, man! Brilliant, I'm trapped!

63
00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:53,480
- Get me out of this thing.
- Be cool, stay slinky.

64
00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:56,234
I'm on the case, here. I remember the sequence.

65
00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:59,916
It was red-blue-yellow... No, blue-yellow-red.

66
00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:02,873
(GARBLED ELECTRONIC VOICE)

67
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:07,149
What the smeg is that?!

68
00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:11,070
Curious, the skeletal form appears
to be basically humanoid in structure.

69
00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:13,556
He's got three heads!

70
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:16,994
Wait. Here's some kind of wallet.

71
00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:21,154
The artefacts are human. A pilot's licence,
ID, even a video club card.

72
00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:26,591
Are you telling me this guy belonged to a video club
and he needed a card so they'd recognise him?

73
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:30,151
He's got six eyes and three noses.
If it were me, I'd remember him.

74
00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:34,598
"Aren't you the bloke who came in last week,
sneezed and caused a monsoon?"

75
00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:37,957
I think we can assume, he started out as human
and something happened here.

76
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:41,158
Something that mutated him in this unspeakable way.

77
00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:46,680
(COMPUTER) Language trace completed.
Dialect: English, colloquial construction, 23rd century.

78
00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:49,156
Look, Do nothing. Press nothing.
Just go and get Kryten!

79
00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:53,877
- Wait, I think I got it.
- Transmogrification sequence initiated.

80
00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:58,238
- Maybe not.
- Transmogrifi-what?!

81
00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:02,957
Gene sample accepted and cloned.
Please key in new genetic structure.

82
00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:07,279
Do nothing. Press nothing. Get Kryten!

83
00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:09,892
Hey, you think I can't
handle this on my own?

84
00:06:09,916 --> 00:06:13,431
I have to rush off and get
Novelty-Condom-Head to bail you out?

85
00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:15,830
I got you into this, I'll get you out.

86
00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:19,795
- Get Kryten!
- Relax, would you? I know what I'm doing.

87
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:22,679
New genetic structure accepted,

88
00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:26,475
Metamorphosis in ten seconds and counting.

89
00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:31,399
I got a good idea.
Why don't I go and get Kryten?

90
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:35,514
Look, forget Kryten!
Just press the pads, any pads! Stop this!

91
00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:37,830
Sequence complete.

92
00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:46,240
(CLUCKS)

93
00:06:47,280 --> 00:06:51,638
Are you OK? We detected a
massive power surge in this sector.

94
00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:53,950
Where's Lister?

95
00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:59,598
- That's Lister?!
- What can I say, except... whoops?

96
00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:04,270
- What is it?
- Best guess? Some kind of DNA modifier,

97
00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:07,273
designed to alter organic life at its molecular level.

98
00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:09,750
This would explain our
triple-headed friend back there.

99
00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:13,834
- So what does it do?
- Every single cell in your body contains DNA,

100
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:17,231
which is a series of genetic instructions
telling your body how to grow.

101
00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:22,713
It's like a small computer program that chooses
the colour of your eyes, tells your nose what shape to be,

102
00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:26,436
designates your sex, your height,
everything. Even your lifespan.

103
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:29,240
This machine simply rewrites the DNA program.

104
00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:35,438
So this machine can transform any living thing
into any other living thing, by altering its molecular structure?

105
00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:38,598
- Precisely.
- And it turned Lister into a chicken.

106
00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:42,350
- So it seems.
- Question is, can we turn him back again?

107
00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:45,116
The question is, do we want to?

108
00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:48,676
Hypothetically, it shouldn't be too difficult
to recall his original form.

109
00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:51,354
It's simply a question of decoding the keypad.

110
00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:54,279
Listy? (CLUCKS)

111
00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:59,117
It's incredible. It really is him.
Look, it's even got his little beer gut.

112
00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:03,237
Hmm, seems a fairly straightforward
hexadecimal layout.

113
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:05,869
Logically, this should be the recall sequence.

114
00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:10,916
(KRYTEN) That's not it, is it?

115
00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:15,309
Let's start from the top.
What happened here, exactly?

116
00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:19,479
I was pressing the pads.
I definitely pressed the yellow one first.

117
00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:23,076
And then this thing came down.
So, I'm standing here pressing the buttons,

118
00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:26,591
- then this voice said...
- Transmogrification sequence engaged.

119
00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:30,515
Right! So I press some more buttons,
and then it says...

120
00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:34,350
- Please key in new genetic structure.
- That's it exactly!

121
00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:37,837
- Cat, stop!
- There's no need to engage your panic chip, sir.

122
00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:42,119
The machine can only operate on organic life.
I am mineral and therefore immune.

123
00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:47,030
New genetic structure accepted,
Metamorphosis in ten seconds and counting.

124
00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:51,354
Oh. Wait a minute. No. My brain is part organic,

125
00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:56,117
and therefore it is entirely possible for the machine
to transmogrify my physical condition.

126
00:08:56,280 --> 00:08:59,511
Engage panic circuits... Panic circuits engaged.

127
00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:01,239
(WAILS)

128
00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:04,111
(BLEEPING)

129
00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:09,355
- (RIMMER) Are you OK?
- Yeah, I think so.

130
00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:13,679
 - What was it like being a hamster?
- It was better than being a chicken.

131
00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:17,470
Have you seen the size of an egg?
Have you seen the size of a chicken's bum?

132
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,265
That's what the
clucking was about.

133
00:09:19,289 --> 00:09:22,840
I was trying to say in chicken talk
"For God's sake, give me a epidural!”

134
00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:29,035
Let's get Kryten back.
Press what you pressed for Lister.

135
00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:36,118
My heavens.

136
00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:38,470
I am human.

137
00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:41,151
Yeah, but you lost your looks.

138
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:49,071
I'm human - my greatest dream come true.
For the first time in my life, I can experience real feelings.

139
00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:52,358
I'm experiencing one now. I'm in happiness mode.

140
00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:54,909
I've never experienced anything like it before.

141
00:09:55,080 --> 00:10:00,359
Oh, except for that one time when I accidentally welded
my groinal socket to a front loading washing machine.

142
00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:01,954
I'm alive!

143
00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:13,196
- How's he doing, Hol?
- Physically, he's fine.

144
00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:17,638
He's got the body of a perfectly normal
30-year-old human male... apparently.

145
00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:20,438
Is he all right?

146
00:10:20,462 --> 00:10:23,718
It'll take a little while to adjust.
Everything's a bit new.

147
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:28,807
Da-da-da-da!!!

148
00:10:28,831 --> 00:10:34,755
Greetings, fellow human. Ah, breakfast, my very
first meal. Boiled chicken ovulations - delicious!

149
00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:39,271
- How you coping, man. Any problems?
- Well, just one or two.

150
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:41,909
In fact, I've compiled a little list if you'll indulge me.

151
00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:46,793
Now, then, my optical system
doesn't appear to have a zoom function.

152
00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:49,451
No, human eyes
don't have a zoom.

153
00:10:49,475 --> 00:10:52,596
Well then, how do you bring
a small object into sharp focus?

154
00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:58,196
Well, you just move your head
closer to the object.

155
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:03,797
I see. Move your head
closer...hmm...to the object.

156
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:06,270
Hmm, All right, OK. What about other optical effects,

157
00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:08,636
like split screen, slow motion, Quantel?

158
00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:16,156
- No. We don't have them.
- You don't have them? Just the zoom.

159
00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:19,360
No, that's fine. That's great.
No, that's really great, that's great.

160
00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:22,080
Now, then, er... my nipples don't work.

161
00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:26,711
In what way "don't work"?

162
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:31,949
Well, when I was a mechanoid,
the right nipple nut was used to regulate body temperature,

163
00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:36,990
while the left nipple nut was used mainly
to pick up short-wave radio transmissions.

164
00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:42,439
Now, what I'm saying is that no matter how hard
I twiddle it, I can't seem to pick up Jazz FM.

165
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:46,956
- Human nipples don't do that, Kryt.
- I see. Fine.

166
00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:48,679
Ah, recharging.

167
00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:52,993
Now, I presume that a human wants to recharge,
they do it much the same way mechanoids do.

168
00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:56,232
Indeed, I have located what I
presume to be the recharging socket,

169
00:11:56,400 --> 00:12:02,316
but for some strange reason, it doesn't appear
to have the standard three-pin adaption.

170
00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:07,257
Now, do I have to use some
kind of special adaptor? Because

171
00:12:07,281 --> 00:12:09,754
no matter what I do, the
lead just keeps falling out.

172
00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:17,550
Kryten, we eat and sleep.
That's our way of recharging.

173
00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:19,194
Oh. Hmm...

174
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:22,936
Ah, yes. Now, I wanted to
talk to you about something.

175
00:12:22,956 --> 00:12:26,198
Something about er... well something I know that
we humans get a little embarrassed about.

176
00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:31,560
It's a bit of a taboo subject, not the sort of thing we
like to sit around and chat about in polite conversation.

177
00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:35,549
Kryten, I'm an enlightened 23rd-century guy.
Spit it out, man.

178
00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:39,151
Well, I want to talk to you about my penis.

179
00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:49,149
I knew it. You've gone straight into smirk mode.

180
00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:51,082
Aren't we both two human adults?

181
00:12:51,106 --> 00:12:55,030
Can't we discuss our reproductive
system without adolescent sniggering?

182
00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:58,912
- Yeah, of course we can.
- Thank you.

183
00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:07,356
- Well?
- Well-well-what?

184
00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:08,526
Well, what do you think?

185
00:13:08,550 --> 00:13:11,269
I'm not quite with you here,
Kryten. What am I supposed to say?

186
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:13,073
I want to know, is that normal?

187
00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:18,559
What, taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates? No, it's not!

188
00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:22,120
Well, but is it supposed to look like that?

189
00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:26,080
- Well, yeah.
- It's hideous!

190
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:29,669
That's the best design they could come up with?!

191
00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:33,913
Are you seriously telling me there were choices,
and someone said, "Ah, there that's it.

192
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:38,597
"That's the shape we're looking for,
the last-chicken-in-the-shop look?"

193
00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:40,871
Shakespeare had one? Einstein?

194
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:45,750
Perry Como sang "Memories Are Made Of This"
with one of those stashed in his slacks?

195
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:50,634
- Well, yeah.
- No wonder humans don't have a zoom mode. Ugh.

196
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:53,791
Now, take a look at this.

197
00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:57,751
And this.

198
00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:07,034
Now, why do you suppose that happened?

199
00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:10,914
Wh-what were you thinking of at the time?

200
00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:17,920
Nothing in particular, sir. I was just idly flicking
through an electrical appliance catalogue.

201
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:22,392
I came across the section
on super deluxe vacuum cleaners

202
00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:27,873
and suddenly my underpant elastic
was catapulted across the medical bay.

203
00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:32,238
You see, man,
you're neither one thing or the other.

204
00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:36,149
You shouldn't be getting erotic thoughts
about electrical appliances.

205
00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:41,679
It WAS a triple-bag easy-glide vac with
turbo suction and a self-emptying dustbag.

206
00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:45,914
Kryten, I don't care what model it was.

207
00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:50,836
No vacuum cleaner
should give a human being a... double Polaroid.

208
00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:54,793
- Do yourself a favour, man. Change back.
- Back?

209
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:59,272
Become one of those poor sappy,
sad-act mechanoids again? This is my dream.

210
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:01,471
Hey, listen, listen. I've got a joke for you.

211
00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:04,513
Now, how many mechanoids
does it take to change a light bulb?

212
00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:07,749
- I don't know.
- Twelve. And you know why?

213
00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:11,276
- Why?
- Because they're so stupid! (LAUGHS)

214
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:13,431
Isn't that the greatest joke?

215
00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:17,150
I've got another one.
Ever heard about the mechanoid peeping Tom?

216
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:22,516
(LAUGHS)

217
00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:26,712
(KRYTEN'S LAUGHTER ECHOES)

218
00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:34,836
Man, this is a totally whacked-out idea.
It's never gonna work.

219
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:39,995
That DNA machine can do anything. Why shouldn't it work?
The hard part was finding one of my dead cells.

220
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:43,431
You really think you can clone yourself
from your own dandruff?

221
00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:48,077
Why not? Dandruff has DNA in it.
That machine has a clone facility.

222
00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:51,398
But a man made from dandruff? It's never going to work.

223
00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:55,554
The first time you take a shower with
medicated shampoo, you'll disappear.

224
00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:57,110
I won't be made of dandruff.

225
00:15:57,134 --> 00:16:01,079
My body will be recreated from the genetic
pattern contained in its structure.

226
00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:03,999
- How's Kryten?
- Confused.

227
00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:08,996
If he ever offers to show you his photo
collection, my advice is decline. Politely.

228
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:14,320
I bet he can't believe his luck. He's reached
the pinnacle of the evolutionary mountain. He's a human.

229
00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:16,716
What's so big about being human?

230
00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:20,072
Listy, don't knock it till you've tried it.

231
00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:24,676
I just don't trust that machine, man.
Look, I know it's old-fashioned,

232
00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:27,639
but I'm from the school who believe if God had intended us to fly,

233
00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:30,599
he wouldn't have invented
Spanish air traffic control.

234
00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:33,274
OK, that machine might be
able to cure diseases and stuff,

235
00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:37,638
but you shouldn't use it to change you
into what you're not. You are what you are.

236
00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:41,236
Wasn't it Descartes who said, "I am what I am"?

237
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:47,434
- No, it was Popeye the Sailor Man.
- Well, whoever it was, he was a hell of a philosopher.

238
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:51,594
And I think what he was trying to say
was, you got to stay true to what you are.

239
00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:55,680
Oh, here we go.
Typical knee-jerk techno-fear reaction.

240
00:16:55,840 --> 00:17:00,789
That machine is the greatest single
technological advancement mankind has ever made.

241
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:03,156
Greater than fire, greater than the wheel.

242
00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:05,670
What about the dude with three
heads, what happened to him?

243
00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:08,838
- Well, he abused it.
- Right, yeah. Someone always does.

244
00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:11,569
Are you two seriously suggesting
you're not going to use it?

245
00:17:11,593 --> 00:17:14,035
There's nothing about your
bodies you'd like to improve?

246
00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:20,350
Me?! Are you serious? Most people
leave their bodies to medical science.

247
00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:23,194
I'm leaving mine to the Louvre, baby!

248
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:26,597
At some point in their lives,
most people wish they were someone else.

249
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:29,599
This is going back years, years before the accident.

250
00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:32,758
Kochanski had just finished with
me, and I was feeling really pony.

251
00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:38,040
So I went for a walk in the botanical gardens and saw this
squirrel, climbing up and down the tree collecting nuts.

252
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:42,194
It stopped and it looked at me,
and I thought, "You lucky little sod.

253
00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:45,950
"You like your job. You're your own
boss, and you've got no woman trouble.

254
00:17:45,974 --> 00:17:48,231
So, you'll never feel
as bad as I feel, now.”

255
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:50,404
And at that moment, and
for a split second I would

256
00:17:50,428 --> 00:17:52,678
have given anything, anything
to swap places with him.

257
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:59,591
Yeah, that's awful, man - when a woman screws
you up so bad you want to become a squirrel.

258
00:18:00,360 --> 00:18:03,591
It just made me think that a lot of time,
that being human isn't much fun.

259
00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:07,270
So, Lister, what are you telling us?
You're a closet squirrel?

260
00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:12,469
Behind closed doors, you parade up and down
with a strap-on bushy tail calling yourself Nutkin?

261
00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:18,198
What I'm telling you Rimmer, is that being human
sometimes isn't all it's cracked up to be.

262
00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:24,515
And if Kryten thinks it'll solve all his problems, then
he's in for a major, I repeat, major disappointment.

263
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,670
(SNEEZES)

264
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:39,519
The most wonderful thing has happened.
We found this machine and it's made me human.

265
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:43,799
- You're a human now?
- That's right, Spare Head One.

266
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:46,634
Our wildest, most incredible
dream has come true.

267
00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:49,832
- What's it like?
- It's indescribable, Spare Head Two.

268
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:53,550
True, I'm having a few problems
coping with the human emotions,

269
00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:55,916
there's no zoom, the nipples don't work,

270
00:18:56,080 --> 00:19:00,517
and I could show you a snapshot of something
that would make your eyes spin like fruit machines.

271
00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:03,559
- But that apart, it's all going well.
- What about us?

272
00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:07,998
- It was my turn to be main head next month.
- Well, obviously that's no longer possible.

273
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:11,516
Aren't you happy for me? I'm not a mechanoid.
I'm not second-class any more.

274
00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:16,231
What about Spare Head Three?
You can't just leave him here. He's got droid rot.

275
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:19,552
(YORKSHIRE ACCENT)
I don't need no bugger to look after me! I maybe 'alf ran with silicon rickets.

276
00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:23,600
And me voice units may be shot to buggery,
but I don't need sympathy from the likes of 'im!

277
00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:26,599
Well, I'll still come and visit. I won't forget you.

278
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:28,992
Where have you been
for the past four days?

279
00:19:29,016 --> 00:19:30,316
Hey, I've been busy.

280
00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:34,991
Aye, busy swankin' round with his new central
nervous system, and his poncey new eight-valve heart,

281
00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:37,959
la-di-da-ing with all his fancy new human friends!

282
00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:40,959
Oh, Spare Head Three, what
do you know about anything?

283
00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:43,629
Ooh, hark at 'im! Orderin' his own heads around.

284
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:45,831
I may be 30,000 years old,

285
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:49,880
and me circuits boards may have gone bandy,
but I'll tell you this for nowt -

286
00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:54,034
you came into this world as a mechanoid,
and a mechanoid you'll always be!

287
00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:59,076
I don't have to take this from you.
I'm a human. Shut your stupid flat head!

288
00:19:59,840 --> 00:20:02,309
Kryten, I don't believe you just said that.

289
00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:05,273
I don't even know why I came
here. What a waste of time.

290
00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:09,314
I think you should leave now, Kryten.
There's nothing more to say.

291
00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:12,313
Aye, sling your bloody hook! Go on! Clear off!

292
00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:15,470
And what about you, Spare
Hand One, how do you feel?

293
00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:22,631
Greetings, fellow human.

294
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:26,077
Oh, "Fellow human.”
How hollow those words sound now.

295
00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:28,231
What's eating you, man?

296
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:30,554
Oh, I can't get the hang
of these human emotions.

297
00:20:30,578 --> 00:20:33,634
One moment I'm happy, the next
I'm miserable. What's wrong with me?

298
00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:37,953
I'm up and down more often
than a pair of kangaroos in the mating season.

299
00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:42,438
Depression's there for a reason.
It's the mind's way of telling you something's wrong.

300
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:45,553
Wrong? What could be wrong?
I've got everything I want.

301
00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:48,878
- Oh, yeah?
- No. I've done the most terrible thing.

302
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:52,032
I've hurt my own kind,
I've made fun of those closest to me.

303
00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:54,550
I've been a complete and total Polaroid-head.

304
00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:57,513
Yeah. You've had your head
up your recharge socket.

305
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:01,556
Agreed. And you've known all along.

306
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:06,391
Yeah, well. I did something similar once. Sold out.

307
00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:09,877
You sold out?

308
00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:13,999
Hmm. Look, this is between me and you,
OK, Kryten?

309
00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:17,794
Once, many years ago...

310
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:20,395
I went into a wine bar.

311
00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:27,919
- That's it? You went into a wine bar?
- OK. Keep it down, keep it down!

312
00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:33,996
- I don't want the whole world to know.
- Well, what's so bad about going into a... WB?

313
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:36,271
It means I was a class traitor.

314
00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:40,070
I could have been on that slippery slope -
hankering after pine kitchens,

315
00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:43,358
sleeping on futons, eating tapas.

316
00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:44,793
Who knows where it could have led.

317
00:21:44,817 --> 00:21:48,310
I could have started having "relationships"
with people instead of "going out” with them.

318
00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:51,950
Got married. Got on the property ladder.

319
00:21:52,120 --> 00:21:54,589
God Almighty, who knows where it could have ended?

320
00:21:54,760 --> 00:21:59,550
Next thing you know, I'm playing squash
every Tuesday night with a bloke called Gerald.

321
00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:01,757
A lucky escape, man. Lucky escape

322
00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:07,430
I've been thinking, sir. I want to be a mechanoid again.
It's what I always have been, what I always will be.

323
00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:11,233
And no bad thing. Let's do it.

324
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:15,593
Kryten, there was a cartoon character once called Popeye,
said a really profound thing.

325
00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:18,952
- What did he say?
- He said "I am what I am.”

326
00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:21,720
Are you sure? I always thought that was Descartes.

327
00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:26,835
So did I, man.
It's so easy to get those two dudes mixed up.

328
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:32,720
- (LISTER) What do you reckon, Hol?
- I reckon I've got it sussed.

329
00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:35,355
- I reckon we should try it first.
- What with?

330
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:38,632
- Well, just need anything organic.
- Hey, don't look at me.

331
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:41,912
- I'm not looking at you. I'm looking at that foil container.
- Lister's curry?!

332
00:22:42,120 --> 00:22:46,159
It's dead, it's organic. If we can change
a mutton vindaloo into a chicken vindaloo,

333
00:22:46,360 --> 00:22:48,351
we'll know it's safe for Kryten.

334
00:22:48,560 --> 00:22:51,234
Nice idea, Goalpost-Head.

335
00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:54,870
- Let's try it.
- I was enjoying that!

336
00:22:57,560 --> 00:23:01,758
(COMPUTER'S VOICE) Gene sample accepted
and cloned. Metamorphosis in progress.

337
00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:09,080
(BUBBLING AND GURGLING)

338
00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:15,117
- What the smeg is it?
- What have we created?

339
00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:20,872
(LISTER) We've created the mutton vindaloo beast!
Half man, half extra-hot Indian curry!

340
00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:24,317
OK. You go. I'll cover you.

341
00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:27,114
- (OTHERS) Seriously?!
- No!

342
00:23:28,360 --> 00:23:30,829
(ROARS)

343
00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:39,479
I don't believe I'm running away
from a psychopathic curried man!

344
00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:44,151
- Is he still following us?
- Can't you smell him? He's right behind us!

345
00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:51,789
Remember last Easter? Twelve months ago to the day, The Polymorph?

346
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:54,594
That's right. You were attacked by a killer shami kebab.

347
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:57,394
How can the same smeg
happen to the same guy twice?

348
00:23:57,600 --> 00:24:01,230
Last time, it was hors d'oeuvres.
This time, it's lunch.

349
00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:05,917
- Kiss your ugly ass goodbye, beast!
- (LISTER) Twice!

350
00:24:06,120 --> 00:24:08,350
(GUNFIRE)

351
00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:13,475
Go back through there. The DNA suite, I've got an idea!

352
00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:25,503
Holly, I'm only going to ask you
this the once, and I want the truth -

353
00:24:25,527 --> 00:24:27,950
Can you make this
machine work without any mistakes?

354
00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:30,436
Yeah. I know what I did wrong last time.

355
00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:33,911
It's a mistake any deranged,
half-witted computer could've made.

356
00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:37,994
- Look, I can do it. Give me a chance.
- Holly, that creature's virtually indestructible.

357
00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:40,959
There's only one way to beat it.

358
00:24:41,120 --> 00:24:44,158
Turn me into a superhuman. Man plus.

359
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:46,991
Are you totally insane?

360
00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:50,630
You're letting that fruitbat of a computer
diddle with your DNA?

361
00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:55,835
- Have you got a better plan?
- Maybe some Indian restaurant music will mollify it.

362
00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:59,550
Or perhaps we could make a
surrender flag out of flock wallpaper.

363
00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:03,230
Do you realise the chomp thing's going to be
through that door any minute now.

364
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:04,953
Right. So let's do it.

365
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:07,913
(COMPUTER'S VOICE)
Transmogrification sequence initiated.

366
00:25:08,120 --> 00:25:10,350
(GROWLS)

367
00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:14,959
Metamorphosis complete.

368
00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:19,197
(SQUEAKS) Did it work?

369
00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:23,836
- Kind of.
- What do you mean, "kind of"?

370
00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:26,316
I mean “kind of".

371
00:25:30,360 --> 00:25:32,829
- (HOLLY) Well, getting better.
- What now?

372
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:35,719
We ain't got time to change him back. Let's scoot.

373
00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:37,871
Come on, stumpy.

374
00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:40,031
(SQUEAKS) Wait for me!

375
00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:50,074
I can't keep up! I'm knackered!

376
00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:54,913
(GROWLS)

377
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:12,556
(ROARS IN PAIN)

378
00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:18,193
Of course. Lager.
The only thing that can kill a vindaloo.

379
00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:45,232
Has anyone got a poppadom
the size of Lake Michigan?

380
00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:47,755
This stuffs really good.

381
00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:50,233
This guy's pure class.

382
00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:56,796
# It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere

383
00:26:56,960 --> 00:27:00,191
# I'm all alone, more or less

384
00:27:00,360 --> 00:27:03,512
# Let me fly far away from here

385
00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:06,320
# Fun, fun, fun

386
00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:10,030
# In the sun, sun, sun

387
00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:13,511
# I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose

388
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:16,798
# Drinking fresh mango juice

389
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:20,191
# Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes

390
00:27:20,360 --> 00:27:22,954
# Fun, fun, fun

391
00:27:23,120 --> 00:27:26,670
# In the sun, sun, sun

392
00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:29,559
# Fun, fun, fun

393
00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:33,714
# In the sun, sun, sun #