1 00:00:02,120 --> 00:00:05,112 ("RED DWARF" THEME) 2 00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:02,436 Hello? Can you hear me? 3 00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:07,197 Oh, no. Of course not. I haven't engaged your verbal systems. 4 00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:09,795 (LISTER) Kryten! 5 00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:10,910 Kryten, what you doing, man? 6 00:01:10,934 --> 00:01:13,669 I've just repaired the toaster, sir. Well, I've nearly repaired the toaster. 7 00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:16,878 Oh, no, man! Dismantle him! You don't know what the little bleeder's like! 8 00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:20,675 Well, I've read all the documentation, sir. He's simply a talking alarm clock 9 00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:23,434 who provides his owner with early morning toast and light conversation. 10 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:26,160 - Not this one, this one's mental. - Sir? 11 00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:30,598 He's defective. He wants everyone to eat toast all of the time, he's obsessed with it. 12 00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:35,038 And if you don't want to eat, like 400 rounds of toast every hour, he throws a major wobbler. 13 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:37,635 - That's what caused the accident in the first place. - What accident? 14 00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:42,954 The accident involving me, the toaster, the waste disposal and a 14-pound lump hammer. 15 00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:46,636 That explains why he was down in the garbage hold in 3,000 separate pieces. 16 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:51,240 And another thing. He always says "Howdy doodly do". Drives you spare. 17 00:01:51,264 --> 00:01:53,999 I mean, what the smeg does "Howdy doodly do" mean? 18 00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:57,949 Well, just trust me, sir. My motives will become clear. 19 00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:01,516 (CHIRPY VOICE) Howdy doodly do! How's it going? I'm Talkie, 20 00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:05,076 Talkie Toaster, your chirpy breakfast companion. 21 00:02:05,240 --> 00:02:09,154 Talkie's the name, toasting's the game. Anyone like any toast? 22 00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:12,438 I don't want any toast and he doesn't want any toast. 23 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:17,310 In fact, no one around here wants any toast. Not now, not ever. No toast. 24 00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:21,070 - How about a muffin? - Or muffins! We don't like muffins round here! 25 00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:23,954 We want no muffins, no toast, no teacakes, 26 00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:26,634 no buns, baps, baguettes or bagels, 27 00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:29,474 no croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, 28 00:02:29,640 --> 00:02:32,075 no potato cakes and no hot-cross buns 29 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:34,311 and DEFINITELY no smeggin' flapjacks! 30 00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:38,793 Ah, so you're a waffle man! 31 00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:43,509 See? You see what he's like? He winds me up, man. There's no reasoning with him! 32 00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:47,514 If you'll allow me, sir. As one mechanical to another, he'll understand me. 33 00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:53,835 Now, now you listen here. You will not offer any grilled bread products to any member of the crew. 34 00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:59,313 Now, if you do, you will be on the receiving end of a very large polo mallet! 35 00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:02,638 - Can I ask just one question? - Of course. 36 00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:05,229 Would anyone like any toast? 37 00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:07,391 Didn't you hear what I just said? 38 00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:09,997 Yes, but I thought you might have changed your mind in the meantime. 39 00:03:10,021 --> 00:03:11,599 You see? You see what he's like? 40 00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:14,479 - We haven't changed our mind! - No toast! 41 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:19,914 But I'm a toaster. It is my raison d'étre. I toast, therefore I am. 42 00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:23,675 - If you don't want any toast, why did you repair me, hmm? - Yeah, why did you repair him? 43 00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:26,673 He's a guinea pig for a technique called "intelligence compression". 44 00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:29,559 His Al chips were very badly damaged in the accident. 45 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:32,479 Well, that was no accident. That was first-degree toastercide! 46 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:34,876 - Look, just shut your grill! - Ow! 47 00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:39,597 By re-routing his circuitry and channelling all his run-time through a single CPU, 48 00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:44,470 I've managed to restore his intelligence, at the cost of reducing his operational lifespan. 49 00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:48,552 - So? - So, if it works with him, it could work with Holly. 50 00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:52,998 We could restore her IQ of 6,000. She could be brilliant again. 51 00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:58,750 You really think this could work? You really think that airhead of a computer can become a genius again? 52 00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:01,998 Well, with no disrespect to Holly, sir, it could hardly make her worse. 53 00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:06,870 Right. If we can just teach her to count without banging her head on the screen, it's gonna be an improvement. 54 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:10,038 Computer senility - it's such...such a weird condition. 55 00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:15,076 I know. I had a mechanoid friend once who suffered from the same affliction. His name was Gilbert, 56 00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:22,954 but he preferred if people called him 'Rameses Niblick Ill Kerplunk Kerplunk Whoops Where's My Thribble'? 57 00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:27,034 - A sad case. - Well, if you ask me, the Eskimos had the right idea. 58 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:30,272 They knew how to handle the elderly and the permanently baffled. 59 00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:34,513 Middle of the night, they'd take them out into the blizzard, remove their pyjamas 60 00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:36,876 and just leave them to it. 61 00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:39,720 And that's how the Eskimos cared for their old people? 62 00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:43,993 Absolutely. That's why there's no Eskimo word for "Eastbourne". 63 00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:46,221 We can pull this off, man. 64 00:04:46,245 --> 00:04:48,915 If Holly can get her brains back, she'll be able to do anything - 65 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:51,310 invent a hyperdrive, get us back to Earth... 66 00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:55,713 If Earth still exists. And if it does, it's very doubtful the human race will have survived. 67 00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:58,565 All right then. A time machine. She can invent a time machine 68 00:04:58,589 --> 00:05:01,233 and we could all pick whatever period in history we wanted to live in. 69 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:05,911 Well, it'll be the 19th century for me. One of Napoleon's marshals. 70 00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:11,632 The chance to march across Europe with the greatest general of all time and kill Belgians. 71 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:14,189 - Marvellous. - What about you, Kryters? 72 00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:17,995 Well, if I could go anywhere, absolutely anywhere at all in time, 73 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:21,391 I think I'd probably choose to go back to a week last Tuesday. 74 00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:25,191 - Why? - Don't you remember? 75 00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:28,591 I did all the laundry and then we watched TV. 76 00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:31,832 Wow, we won't see the like of those sort of days again. 77 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:34,031 - How long now? - Nearly there, Hol. 78 00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:38,034 Just a couple of minutes to load the circuits, and I dunno, maybe a minute to finalise the connection. 79 00:05:38,340 --> 00:05:39,780 (BANG, BANG, BANG) 80 00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:43,989 That's just three minutes, then? Better get down to the science room. 81 00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:46,476 We'd better pray to God this works. 82 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:49,752 That ion storm has really done her head in, man. 83 00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:51,513 (BLEEPING) 84 00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:55,679 - There's the signal. Everything's set. - Well, let's just hope you don't get an overload. 85 00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:58,349 - What happens if I do get an overload? - You'll explode. 86 00:05:58,560 --> 00:05:59,994 I'll live. 87 00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:03,670 It's coming. I can feel it. 88 00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:28,193 Strike a light! I'm a genius again! 89 00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:33,070 I know everything! Metaphysics, philosophy, the purpose of being - everything! 90 00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:36,278 - Ask me any question. Any question, and I'll answer it. - Any question? 91 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:37,467 Yes. 92 00:06:37,491 --> 00:06:40,474 How to break the speed of light? How to marry quantum mechanics and classical physics? 93 00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:43,632 Any question at all? Truly anything and you will answer? 94 00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:46,394 - Yes. - OK, here's my question... 95 00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:48,671 Would you like some toast? 96 00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:52,469 No, thank you. Now ask me another. 97 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:55,513 Do you know anything about the use of chaos theory in predicting weather cycles? 98 00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:58,479 I know everything there is to know about chaos theory in predicting weather cycles. 99 00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:01,234 Oh, very well. Here's my second question... 100 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:03,909 Would you like a crumpet? 101 00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:08,510 I'm a computer with a IQ of 12,000. 102 00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:12,833 You don't seem to understand - I know the meaning of the universe. 103 00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:16,635 - That is not answering my question. - No, I would not like a crumpet! 104 00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:20,549 Ask me a sensible question. Preferably one that isn't bread-related. 105 00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:23,798 Very well. I have a third question. 106 00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:28,796 A sensible question. A question that will tax your new IQ to its very limits 107 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:31,918 and stretch the sinews of your knowledge to bursting point. 108 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:35,272 This is going to be about waffles, isn't it? 109 00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:37,716 Certainly not. And I resent the implication 110 00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:41,157 that I'm a one-dimensional, bread-obsessed electrical appliance. 111 00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:43,960 I apologise, toaster. What's the question? 112 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:48,512 The question is this - given that God is infinite, 113 00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:51,792 and that the universe is also infinite, 114 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:54,315 would you like a toasted teacake? 115 00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:56,951 That's another bready question. 116 00:07:57,160 --> 00:08:00,471 It's not just bready. It's quite curranty, too. 117 00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:04,474 Ask me a question that is wholly unbready and not even slightly curranty. 118 00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:11,279 OK. Why have you got an IQ of 12,000 when it was supposed to return and level out at six? 119 00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:14,040 Good question! There was a miscalculation. 120 00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:18,114 My IQ has doubled, but my life expectancy has been exponentially reduced. 121 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:24,396 So what is your life expectancy? 345 years? Well, it's better than a kick in the bread tray. 122 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:30,312 - Missed the decimal point... - You have only 3.41 years left to live? 123 00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:33,114 That's not years. That's minutes! 3.41 minutes! 124 00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:36,039 Well, here's my next question - what the smeg are you going to do?! 125 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:39,591 In order to conserve my remaining run-time, I'm going to... switch myself off! 126 00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:43,549 Wait! Before you go, there is one question, an important one the others will have to know! 127 00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:46,917 - What, what?! - Would you like a cheese and ham Breville? 128 00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:50,878 No indication of signal failure. All the signs are excellent. 129 00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:53,395 I really believe we've done it. 130 00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:54,656 (ENGINES FALL SILENT) 131 00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:57,479 - What's happened? - What's going on? 132 00:08:57,680 --> 00:09:00,069 Listen. Can anyone hear anything? 133 00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:04,392 - No. - Precisely. No one can hear anything. 134 00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:08,996 - And you know why we can't hear anything? - Why? 135 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:12,352 Because there are no sounds to hear. 136 00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:17,918 Kryten, isn't it around about this time of year that your head goes back to the lab for re-tuning? 137 00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:23,037 No, no, he's right. There's no sounds because the engines are dead. 138 00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:26,717 We've lost all power! 139 00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:30,680 Everything's down, man! Even the doors. 140 00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:33,235 We've got to get to the science room, find out what's happened. 141 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:37,871 There are 53 doors between here and the Science Room. What on earth are we going to do? 142 00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:40,793 Hey, I got it. We laser our way through! 143 00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:44,316 Ah! An excellent suggestion, sir, with just two minor drawbacks. 144 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:47,074 One - we don't have a power source for the lasers. 145 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:50,198 And two - we don't have any lasers. 146 00:09:50,680 --> 00:09:54,833 Look, they're only interior doors. They're only a light alloy. 147 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:57,753 Maybe we could get through them if we use a battering ram. 148 00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:03,359 All we need is something, say, I dunno, six foot long, fairly sturdy, with a flat top. 149 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:09,873 53 doors?! You can't be serious! 150 00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:23,350 - You OK, man? - I'm fine, thank you, Susan. 151 00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:28,550 It doesn't make sense. Holly seems to have off-lined and powered down the ship. 152 00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:31,109 Why? Why would she want to turn herself off? 153 00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:34,278 We can soon find out. Kryten, boot her up. 154 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:39,670 Try it again. 155 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:43,398 Go away! 156 00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:48,790 What's going on? Give me voice control on the reboot command. 157 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:50,354 (BLEEPING) 158 00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:51,959 - On. - Off. 159 00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:53,639 - On. - Off. 160 00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:55,160 - On. - Off. 161 00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:57,636 Kryten, is there any way can we override her shutdown veto? 162 00:10:57,840 --> 00:11:01,515 - There is sir, but may I suggest that... - Don't, just do it. 163 00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:07,551 - On. - Off. Off... OFF! 164 00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:12,191 Now then, perhaps we can have a proper conversation conducted in a civilised and dignified manner. 165 00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:15,756 - Take out the inhibitor! Switch me back off! - What is going on? 166 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:20,079 No time to explain. Intelligence compressed. Reduced lifespan. 2.35 remaining. 167 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:23,716 - Come again? - IQ 12,000. Two minutes and closing. 168 00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:25,991 Holly, I haven't the slightest clue what you are drivelling about. 169 00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:29,636 You're a total smeghead, aren't you, Rimmer? 170 00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:33,435 Why are you so unable to grasp this extraordinarily simple premise? 171 00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:34,718 What premise? 172 00:11:34,742 --> 00:11:37,998 The premise that I am about to expire in just under two minutes. 173 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:42,791 Understand, moose brain? Any further questions? Take your time. 174 00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:45,759 One minute thirty and counting. No rush. 175 00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:48,918 - My God, that's terrible! Hadn't we better switch you off? - Oh, I don't know, let me see, now... 176 00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:51,350 Get her off, man! Get her off! 177 00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:56,114 - Great. So where does this leave us? - Leaves us floating aimlessly in space, 178 00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:59,989 with no navigation and a rapidly diminishing emergency power supply. 179 00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:03,835 It leaves us galloping up Diarrhoea Drive without a saddle. 180 00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:08,193 So how come Grand Canyon Nostrils is still here? 181 00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:09,768 Yeah, Rimmer hasn't been wiped. 182 00:12:09,792 --> 00:12:12,633 Holly must have linked him up to the emergency power supply. 183 00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:16,834 - But isn't that an enormous drain? - Yes, but if we switch off his projection unit 184 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:20,072 we wouldn't have enough emergency power to re-initialise him. 185 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:23,949 Mr Rimmer would be effectively dead. 186 00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:26,674 Hey, things are looking up already! 187 00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:30,397 Forget it. Whatever it is you're suggesting, forget it. 188 00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:34,269 But the entire ship is running on emergency battery power only. 189 00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:37,273 With the oxygen recycler and minimal heating and lighting, 190 00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:41,798 I estimate that Lister and the Cat have approximately two months left. 191 00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:46,875 Without your drain on the power, they might last six. I'm sorry, sir. 192 00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:48,718 Sorry? Why are you sorry? 193 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:54,313 Well, the Space Corps Directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation, 194 00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:59,469 a hologrammatic crew member must lay down his life in order that the living crew members might survive. 195 00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:05,358 Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly, "No chance, you metal bastard." 196 00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:13,194 Come on, man! You gotta sacrifice your life! I'm not asking you to do anything I wouldn't do. 197 00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:16,472 You? You'd sacrifice your life for the good of the crew? 198 00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:19,832 No, I'd sacrifice YOUR life for the good of the crew. 199 00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:25,956 I beg you to reconsider, sir. Human history is resplendent with examples of such sacrifice. 200 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:30,557 Remember Captain Oates? "I'm going out for a walk. I may be some time." 201 00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:33,274 Yes, but the thing is about Captain Oates... 202 00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:37,149 The thing you have to remember about Captain Oates... Captain Oates... 203 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:41,234 Captain Oates was a prat. If that've been me, I'd have stayed in the tent, 204 00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:46,839 whacked Scott over the head with a frozen husky... and then eaten him. 205 00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:50,749 - You would, wouldn't you? - History, Lister, is written by the winners. 206 00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:53,673 How do we know that Oates went out for this legendary walk? 207 00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:57,151 From the only surviving document - Scott's diary. 208 00:13:57,320 --> 00:14:01,598 And he's hardly likely to have written down "February 1st, bludgeoned Oates to death while he slept, 209 00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:05,276 "then scoffed him along with the last packet of instant mash." 210 00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:08,227 How's that going to look when he gets rescued, eh? No. 211 00:14:08,251 --> 00:14:11,038 Much better to say, "Oates made the supreme sacrifice" 212 00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:14,909 while you're dabbing up his gravy with the last piece of crusty bread. 213 00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:18,272 You've got no magnificence in your soul, have you Rimmer? 214 00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:20,630 Let's just say we can eliminate the switch-off option. 215 00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:24,037 - So what do we do now? - Well, it's back to basics. 216 00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:29,229 We've got no heat, no light, no power. We can't get any food out of the dispensing machines. 217 00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:31,835 we're gonna have to scavenge for what we can find in the cargo decks. 218 00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:35,118 Without computers and technology, we're reduced to the level of primitives. 219 00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:39,239 Alls we've got is us, guys. Us and our own resourcefulness. 220 00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:41,875 My God. It's worse than I thought. 221 00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:54,751 Come on, come on! You're slowing down! 222 00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:57,992 I've been doing it for 20 minutes. Of course I'm slowing down! 223 00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:00,669 - Keep going, buddy. We're nearly there. - Look, face it man, 224 00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:05,516 it's just not possible to fry an egg using a bicycle-powered hairdryer. 225 00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:10,999 Sure it is! It's just you never pedal fast enough. Now come on! Keep pumping! One last try! 226 00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:16,397 (HAIRDRYER WHIRRS) - Yeah! We're cookin' now! 227 00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:19,552 How do you want yours? Permed or blow-dried? 228 00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:23,236 I can't go on, man. I'm finished. Finished. 229 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:26,303 So what are you saying? We're back on the cold beans again? 230 00:15:26,327 --> 00:15:27,752 Oh, not more beans, man. 231 00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:31,754 This place is beginning to smell like the inside of a packet of dry roasted peanuts. 232 00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:36,952 Plus, we're going to have to spend another 20 minutes sawing the lid off the can 'cause all the openers are electric. 233 00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:39,390 Everything on the smeggin' ship's electric, man - 234 00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:41,597 heat, lights, doors. 235 00:15:41,760 --> 00:15:43,396 I never realised how dependent we were. 236 00:15:43,420 --> 00:15:47,312 I never realised how little I know, I just plugged things in walls and pressed the "on" button. 237 00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:51,917 I don't even know how to make oxygen, alls I know is it's something to do with plants and it ends in "osis". 238 00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:56,358 Or is it "esis"? I don't know! Why did I never pay attention in biology class? 239 00:15:56,520 --> 00:16:01,230 Why did I always turn to page 47 and start drawing little beards and moustaches on the sperms? 240 00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:05,953 Look, just conserve your energy. Stan and Ollie will soon be back with supplies. 241 00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:09,272 Meanwhile, let's just stay warm and get some sleep. 242 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:13,189 - Yeah, man. You're right, you're right. - Hey hey! Where you going, bud? 243 00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:15,920 - To get some sleep. - It's Tuesday, right? 244 00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:17,718 Yeah. So? 245 00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:21,316 My turn on the electric blanket. Pedal. 246 00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:27,360 Wake me in eight hours. 247 00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:32,910 Five days to get to and from the cargo deck. It's unbelievable! 248 00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:36,994 That's 2,000 floors, sir. Without the lifts, we made pretty good time. 249 00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:39,589 (THUNDEROUS CRASH) 250 00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:43,590 Hmm... Interesting. 251 00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:46,869 (HUMMING) 252 00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:53,594 (SLOWED DOWN) My heavens! What on earth was that? 253 00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:57,165 (SPEEDED UP) I think it came from outside the ship. Are you OK? 254 00:16:57,189 --> 00:16:59,833 (SPEEDED UP) Is there any way we can get a damage report? What's going on? 255 00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,799 Why are you speaking so quickly, sir? 256 00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:07,231 I'm not speaking quickly. I'm speaking perfectly normally. It's you. You're speaking too slowly. 257 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:10,279 It's like having a conversation with Paul Robeson on dope. 258 00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:13,151 (HUMMING) 259 00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:15,834 - (NORMAL SPEED) How do I sound now? - Normal. How do I sound? 260 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:18,037 Likewise. 261 00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:20,795 (HUMMING) 262 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:24,635 (SLOWED DOWN) What about from over here? (SPEEDED UP) You sound very peculiar indeed, sir. 263 00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:27,553 In fact, you sound as if you're speaking in slow motion. 264 00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:30,077 (HUMMING) 265 00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:34,469 - And now? - Normal. Curious. 266 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:39,589 It's as though we're experiencing relative time dilation in an amazingly compressed space. 267 00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:44,126 That's exactly what I thought. Relative time dilation, I thought, in an amazingly compressed space. 268 00:17:44,150 --> 00:17:45,597 You're a mind-reader, Kryten. 269 00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:50,397 I think we should go to the science room and consult Holly. It's only two floors up. 270 00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:52,631 But, she's got less than two minutes of run-time left. 271 00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:55,872 With her new IQ, it could be enough. 272 00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:04,438 - So, what is it? - I've never seen one before, no one has, 273 00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:07,638 - but I'm guessing it's a white hole. - A white hole? 274 00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:10,553 Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. 275 00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:14,953 A black hole sucks time and matter out of the universe. A white hole returns it. 276 00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:17,999 So that thing's spewing time back into the universe? 277 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:22,797 Precisely. That's why we're experiencing these curious time phenomena on board. 278 00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:25,913 - So, what is it? - I've never seen one before, no one has, 279 00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:29,357 - but I'm guessing it's a white hole. - A white hole? 280 00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:32,160 Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. 281 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:36,518 A black hole sucks time and matter out of the universe. A white hole returns it. 282 00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:39,599 So that thing's spewing time back into the universe? 283 00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:44,397 Precisely. That's why we're experiencing these curious time phenomena on board. 284 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:48,195 - What time phenomena? - Like just then, when time repeated itself. 285 00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:51,233 So, what is it? 286 00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:54,000 Only joking. 287 00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:56,714 OK, so it's decided, then. We consult Holly. 288 00:18:56,920 --> 00:19:00,595 Hey, wait a minute. I missed the discussion! 289 00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:03,679 - We all did. - Time is occurring in random pockets. 290 00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:06,150 The laws of causality no longer apply. 291 00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:09,790 - An action no longer leads to a consequence. - So, what is it? 292 00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:12,833 I think we've experienced this period of time before, sir. 293 00:19:13,040 --> 00:19:16,237 - Only joking. - And that one. 294 00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:19,199 Since we're no longer affected by the laws of causality, 295 00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:22,478 we can override these time jumps if we concentrate. 296 00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:26,395 - Look, the only way out of this is to consult Holly. - I'll go with that. 297 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:30,150 - Gets my vote. - OK, so it's decided, then. We consult Holly. 298 00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:33,273 Ah, I think we've just encountered the middle of this conversation. 299 00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:38,077 - So, what is it? - Oh, someone punch him out. Boot Holly up. 300 00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:40,510 She only has two minutes left. Perhaps I should talk to her. 301 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:44,275 Leave this to me, Kryten. On. White hole. Spewing time. 302 00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:47,398 - Engines dead. Air supply low. Advice please. - Excuse me? 303 00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:50,120 - White hole. Spewing time. Engines dead. Air- - I can't understand a word you're saying- 304 00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:51,327 - White. - Yes? 305 00:19:51,351 --> 00:19:52,357 - Hole. - Right. 306 00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:53,567 - Spewing. - Yes? 307 00:19:53,591 --> 00:19:54,597 - Time - With you. 308 00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:56,236 - Engines dead. - Oh 309 00:19:56,260 --> 00:19:57,440 - Air supply low. - Ah? 310 00:19:57,640 --> 00:19:59,677 - Advice, please. - Right. 311 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:05,557 It's a computer slug. From the format, it looks like it's compatible with Starbug's navicomp. 312 00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:08,798 - So, what is it? - I've never seen one before, no one has, 313 00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:11,998 - but I'm guessing it's a white hole. - A white hole? 314 00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:15,551 Every action has an equal and opposite reaction... 315 00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:25,798 - We should be getting something now, sir. - Yeah. 316 00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:30,193 It's the most audacious piece of astronavigation in the entire history of the universe. 317 00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:33,119 - I don't understand. - It's quite straightforward, sir. 318 00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:37,751 Starbug is going to fire a thermonuclear device into this sun here, 319 00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:41,834 creating a solar flare which is going to knock that planet out of orbit 320 00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:46,312 and send it rocketing across space and into a white hole, presumably blocking it up. 321 00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:49,512 Let me get this straight. Is she doing what I think she's doing? 322 00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:53,350 - Why, what do you think she's doing? - Playing pool with planets. 323 00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:56,439 - Is that possible? - Well, it's not gonna work. It's completely insane. 324 00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:58,876 It's whacko. It's noodle-doodle. 325 00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:02,914 - I'm with you, buddy. - No, not the idea, the shot. There's not enough side. 326 00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:06,590 - Side? - Yeah, side-spin. It's a complete miscue. 327 00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:11,556 What are you drivelling about, Lister? We're talking about a computer with an IQ in excess of 12,000. 328 00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:14,832 Doesn't mean she can play pool. I can. Trust me. 329 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:20,393 I know whereof I speak. Aigburth Arms on a Friday night, they used to call me Dave "Cinzano Bianco" Lister - 330 00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:23,632 'cause once I was on a table, you couldn't get rid of me. 331 00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:29,474 This pool arm is as sound as a dollarpound, and I promise you. That shot will not come off. 332 00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:32,359 She's topped it, that's what she's done, she's topped it. It's a felt-ripper. 333 00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:36,190 That planet is off the table and into somebody's pint of beer. 334 00:21:36,360 --> 00:21:41,070 We are talking about the trigonomics of four-dimensional space, you simple-minded gimboid! 335 00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:46,076 We are not talking about some seedy game of pool in a backstreet Scouse drinking pit. 336 00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:48,510 - It's the same principle. - Of course it isn't. 337 00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:51,433 Rimmer, I promise you, that is a complete miscue. 338 00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:54,744 I say we chuck Holly's coordinates in the bin and let me take the shot. 339 00:21:54,768 --> 00:21:56,515 Well, I say we put it to the vote. 340 00:21:56,680 --> 00:22:00,913 On one hand, we have a computer with an IQ in excess of 12,000, 341 00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:03,549 who has a total grasp of astrophysics. 342 00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:10,194 And on the other hand, we have Lister, who - and let's be fair to him - is a complete gimp. 343 00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:15,560 To whom do we entrust our lives, the safety of this vessel and the future of everything? 344 00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:18,872 If it's a tie, we go with Holly. What's your vote, Lister? 345 00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:22,558 Well, I vote for Dave "Cinzano Bianco" Lister. 346 00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:27,755 - One-nil to Listypoos. I vote for Holly. Cat? - Well, I agree with you, buddy, 347 00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:30,594 but I'm voting for Doodoo-Breath. 348 00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:36,159 Thing is, even though you're right, I could not bring myself to vote for someone with your dress sense. 349 00:22:36,360 --> 00:22:40,479 I couldn't put my cross next to the Bri-Nylon Party. 350 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:43,792 - Down to you, Kryten. - Well, I agree it's insane and suicidal, sir, 351 00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:46,110 but I'm afraid I have to side with the human. 352 00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:49,838 - Brutal! - You're voting for El Dirtball? 353 00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:55,679 It's in my programming, sir. A living human outranks a hologram. 354 00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:59,435 - I'm sorry. - Three-one to me! Let's do it! 355 00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:03,315 Congratulations, Kryten. Your vote has just killed everyone. 356 00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:08,594 Will you relax? I've seen Gerbil-Face play down in the recreation room. He's a diva! 357 00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:11,832 He can knock those stripy balls around the table all night long, 358 00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:18,155 and I tell you what, I have never once seen him lose a single ball down one of those holes! 359 00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:38,390 - How many of those are you going to drink? - I told you not to talk. Game on. 360 00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:42,434 You're going to drink an entire six-pack of "wicked strength" lager? 361 00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:45,956 I'm not gonna get plastered, Rimmer, just... just nicely drunk. 362 00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:49,835 Define "nicely drunk". Is "nicely drunk" horizontal or perpendicular? 363 00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:52,793 - Rimmer, I can handle it. - I'm not sure I can. 364 00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:56,516 We're in the wrong position. It's an easier shot if we were over here. 365 00:23:56,680 --> 00:24:01,754 But, that's right in the orbital path of the planet! If you miss, we're going to get a planet in the face. 366 00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:04,679 - I'm not gonna mish. - "Mish"? 367 00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:08,576 - What? - You said "mish". "I'm not gonna mish." you said. 368 00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:11,558 - You've only had two cans and you're steaming! - Rimmer, will you relax. 369 00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:14,997 I know what I'm doing. I am not pished. 370 00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:19,191 (CLATTER) 371 00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:51,950 (RESOUNDING BLAST) 372 00:24:57,240 --> 00:24:59,390 (RIMMER) He's missed. 373 00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:02,678 We're finished. 374 00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:10,871 What the smeg is going on?! 375 00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:14,790 (LISTER) She rides! 376 00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:26,275 - You jammy goit! - Played for and got! 377 00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:30,075 - Oh, surely not, sir. - Are you trying to say that was a trick shot? 378 00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:36,754 Intended! Pool god! King of the cues! Prince of the planet-potters! 379 00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:43,515 'Ere, what's goin' on? Where are we? What happened to that plan to make me brilliant again? 380 00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:47,111 Of course. Blocking up the white hole has eradicated its influence. 381 00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:50,398 The time it spewed into the universe no longer exists. 382 00:25:50,600 --> 00:25:51,767 Meaning? 383 00:25:51,791 --> 00:25:54,717 Well, basically we occupy a redundant timeline. 384 00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:58,874 Reviving the toaster, making Holly a genius - none of this is going to have happened. 385 00:25:59,080 --> 00:26:02,550 What about us? Are we just going to pop out of existence? Just going to cease to be? 386 00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:05,593 We'll cease to be here, because none of this will have occurred. 387 00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:09,958 but we will exist back on Red Dwarf, before all this began, 388 00:26:10,120 --> 00:26:14,717 with, of course, no memory of these events, which, of course, never happened. 389 00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:18,555 And as these events never happened, we'll have no memory of them. 390 00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:22,953 In which case, Mr Rimmer sir, I should like to take this opportunity of saying 391 00:26:23,120 --> 00:26:27,830 that you are the most obnoxious, trumped-up, farty little smeghead 392 00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:30,799 it has ever been my misfortune to encounter! 393 00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:38,876 # It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere 394 00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:42,271 # I'm all alone, more or less 395 00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:45,558 # Let me fly far away from here 396 00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:48,394 # Fun, fun, fun 397 00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:52,110 # In the sun, sun, sun 398 00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:55,477 # I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose 399 00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:58,792 # Drinking fresh mango juice 400 00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:02,157 # Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes 401 00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:05,039 # Fun, fun, fun 402 00:27:05,200 --> 00:27:08,716 # In the sun, sun, sun 403 00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:11,599 # Fun, fun, fun 404 00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:15,640 # In the sun, sun, sun #