1 00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:05,759 ("RED DWARF" THEME) 2 00:00:35,740 --> 00:00:37,936 (MAN) Oh, Marnie. (WOMAN) Oh, my darling, don't. 3 00:00:38,900 --> 00:00:43,770 This isn't a time for sadness, it's a time for joy, for laughter. Don't you see? 4 00:00:43,940 --> 00:00:48,377 Whatever this crazy old world throws at us now it doesn't matter. None of it does. 5 00:00:48,540 --> 00:00:51,498 (MAN) Marnie, we can never be together again. 6 00:00:51,660 --> 00:00:55,016 (WOMAN) Oh, darling, you're wrong. we'll always be together. 7 00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:57,490 It's just... we'll be apart. 8 00:01:00,420 --> 00:01:04,971 Wasn't that just beautiful? Oh, well recommended, sir. 9 00:01:05,180 --> 00:01:07,456 Do you think they ever get back together again? 10 00:01:07,660 --> 00:01:10,129 - (SOBS) I don't know. - Pardon? 11 00:01:10,300 --> 00:01:12,132 (SQUEAKS) I don't know! 12 00:01:13,020 --> 00:01:14,702 Wasn't it just wonderful though, sir? 13 00:01:14,726 --> 00:01:18,572 The way he sacrificed his career, his dreams, everything for the woman he loved? 14 00:01:18,780 --> 00:01:22,370 I thought it was the worst pile of blubbery schoolgirl mush 15 00:01:22,394 --> 00:01:24,617 I've ever been compelled to endure. 16 00:01:24,780 --> 00:01:30,298 I consider it an insult to my backside that it was forced to sit here growing carbuncles 17 00:01:30,460 --> 00:01:32,895 through such putrid adolescent slush. 18 00:01:33,100 --> 00:01:34,435 You didn't find it uplifting? 19 00:01:34,459 --> 00:01:37,697 It wasn't in the least bit uplifting. It was totally unbelievable. 20 00:01:37,860 --> 00:01:40,852 Why would he give everything up for a woman he's never going to see again? 21 00:01:41,060 --> 00:01:45,452 Because she loved him, and he would have that forever. Isn't that right, sir? 22 00:01:45,620 --> 00:01:47,497 (BLOWS NOSE) 23 00:01:47,980 --> 00:01:50,290 Personally, I thought it started well but fell apart. 24 00:01:50,314 --> 00:01:53,293 All the stuff with the ducks all getting into trouble, that was great. 25 00:01:53,460 --> 00:01:56,293 Then it all went black and white and I fell asleep. 26 00:01:57,180 --> 00:02:00,252 But, sir, that was the cartoon before the main programme. 27 00:02:02,940 --> 00:02:07,377 Hang on, chaps. We've got a blip. Quadrant 4, sector 492, 28 00:02:07,580 --> 00:02:09,112 I'm onto it right away Holly. 29 00:02:09,136 --> 00:02:12,908 Those kind of films really irritate me. Just not realistic. 30 00:02:12,932 --> 00:02:15,943 There isn't a man in the universe who wouldn't have taken the job 31 00:02:15,967 --> 00:02:17,987 and to hell with the woman. Total baloney. 32 00:02:18,011 --> 00:02:20,695 Rimmer, you said that about "King of Kings: The Story of Jesus" 33 00:02:22,420 --> 00:02:26,414 Well, it's true. A simple carpenter's son who learns how to do magic tricks like that 34 00:02:26,580 --> 00:02:29,094 and doesn't go into show business? 35 00:02:29,260 --> 00:02:32,173 Do any of us believe that, even for a second? 36 00:02:32,380 --> 00:02:34,107 He was supposed to be the Son of God(!) 37 00:02:34,131 --> 00:02:36,499 And when he was carrying that cross up the hill 38 00:02:36,660 --> 00:02:40,415 any normal, realistic bloke would've mule-kicked the guy on the left, clobbered the one on the right 39 00:02:40,580 --> 00:02:45,256 and been over that green hill and far away before you could say 'Pontius Pilate'. 40 00:02:45,460 --> 00:02:48,373 Why do I feel that somehow you've missed the point? 41 00:02:48,540 --> 00:02:53,535 I mean, whether you believe it or not, it's about a dude who sacrifices his life for love. 42 00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:55,731 Not realistic. As if! 43 00:02:56,940 --> 00:02:59,409 You've got no soul, man. No soul. 44 00:02:59,580 --> 00:03:03,016 - Sirs, I think you should take a look at this. - Another vessel? 45 00:03:03,180 --> 00:03:05,740 Too small. It may be a missile. 46 00:03:05,900 --> 00:03:09,530 - Impact in 37 seconds. - Plotting random evasion course. 47 00:03:09,740 --> 00:03:13,734 What?! Am I the only sane one here? Why don't we drop the defensive shields? 48 00:03:13,900 --> 00:03:17,859 A superlative suggestion, sir, with just two minor flaws. 49 00:03:18,020 --> 00:03:24,016 One, we don't have any defensive shields, and two, we don't have any defensive shields. 50 00:03:24,180 --> 00:03:26,740 Now, I realise that technically speaking, that's only one flaw, 51 00:03:26,900 --> 00:03:31,212 but I thought it was such a big one, it was worth mentioning twice. 52 00:03:31,380 --> 00:03:33,178 Good point. Well made. 53 00:03:35,220 --> 00:03:38,053 (WHOOSH) 54 00:03:44,060 --> 00:03:46,051 Rimmer, what are you doing? 55 00:03:46,220 --> 00:03:49,212 It's incredible! It's beautiful! 56 00:03:49,420 --> 00:03:52,856 It's not registering on any scale. Mass, velocity, molecular structure - 57 00:03:53,020 --> 00:03:55,011 all the readings are zero. 58 00:04:06,900 --> 00:04:10,336 Sir, I'm picking up some kind of energy emission. 59 00:04:11,420 --> 00:04:13,855 They've taken Mr Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr. Rimmer! 60 00:04:14,060 --> 00:04:18,054 Quick! Let's get out of here before they bring him back! 61 00:04:24,140 --> 00:04:27,576 I hope we didn't startle you. Nirvanah Crane. 62 00:04:27,780 --> 00:04:31,057 You touched me. I can touch. 63 00:04:32,660 --> 00:04:36,255 - How is this possible? - This entire ship, its crew 64 00:04:36,420 --> 00:04:38,536 and everything on it is computer-generated. 65 00:04:38,740 --> 00:04:41,778 - You're all holograms? Even the ship? - Salut. 66 00:04:41,980 --> 00:04:43,379 Salut. 67 00:04:46,220 --> 00:04:50,498 - How big's the crew? - Just under 2,000. All top-flight personnel. 68 00:04:50,660 --> 00:04:54,415 - Hmm. What a ship. - (COMPUTER) Floor 3125, 69 00:04:54,580 --> 00:04:56,969 Sports and sexual recreation. 70 00:04:58,300 --> 00:05:00,291 - Sports and what? - Sex. 71 00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:04,095 - Don't you have a sex deck on your ship? - No. 72 00:05:05,860 --> 00:05:08,516 Well, what do you do when you want to have sex? 73 00:05:08,540 --> 00:05:11,617 Well, we go for runs. 74 00:05:11,780 --> 00:05:14,294 Watch gardening programmes on the ship's vid. 75 00:05:14,500 --> 00:05:18,255 That's very bad for you. Don't you ever feel tense or frustrated? 76 00:05:18,460 --> 00:05:22,294 Well, it's gotten worse these last ten years or so, I can't deny it. 77 00:05:22,500 --> 00:05:24,491 Extraordinary. It's quite different here. 78 00:05:24,660 --> 00:05:29,860 In fact, it's a ship regulation that we all have sexual congress at least twice a day. It's a health rule. 79 00:05:30,060 --> 00:05:33,894 Twice a day?! That's more than some people manage in a lifetime! 80 00:05:34,100 --> 00:05:39,334 I mean sad, lonely people. But what happens if you don't have a partner? 81 00:05:39,540 --> 00:05:41,577 If you don't have a partner? 82 00:05:41,780 --> 00:05:44,818 Well, some people - sad, lonely people - 83 00:05:44,980 --> 00:05:48,814 find that that people just aren't attracted to them in that kind of way. 84 00:05:49,020 --> 00:05:54,220 I don't understand. Here it is considered the height of bad manners to refuse an offer of sexual coupling. 85 00:05:55,660 --> 00:05:57,492 Well... 86 00:05:57,660 --> 00:06:00,857 People have always complimented me on my good manners. 87 00:06:01,060 --> 00:06:02,459 What a ship! 88 00:06:02,620 --> 00:06:06,170 We discarded the concept of "family" in the 25th century, 89 00:06:06,340 --> 00:06:10,618 when scientists finally proved that all our hang-ups and neuroses are caused by our parents. 90 00:06:10,820 --> 00:06:14,176 - I knew it. - Families are disastrous for your mental health. 91 00:06:14,340 --> 00:06:18,379 So are relationships. These are outmoded concepts for us. 92 00:06:18,580 --> 00:06:21,538 But what about love? Surely people still fall in love? 93 00:06:21,740 --> 00:06:23,970 We have developed beyond love, Mr. Rimmer. 94 00:06:24,140 --> 00:06:26,416 That is a short-term hormonal distraction 95 00:06:26,580 --> 00:06:29,732 which interferes with the pure pursuit of personal advancement. 96 00:06:29,900 --> 00:06:33,780 We are holograms. There is no risk of disease or pregnancy. 97 00:06:33,940 --> 00:06:37,729 That is why in our society, we only believe in sex... 98 00:06:37,900 --> 00:06:41,211 constant, guilt-free sex. 99 00:06:42,940 --> 00:06:46,410 Poor Mr Rimmer. I fear he is in great danger. 100 00:06:46,620 --> 00:06:50,409 I'm trying to get them to handshake, but they're not responding on any frequency. 101 00:06:50,620 --> 00:06:54,250 Well, I say let's break out the laser cannons and give 'em both barrels. 102 00:06:54,420 --> 00:06:57,776 An adroit suggestion, sir, with just two minor drawbacks... 103 00:06:57,940 --> 00:06:59,738 OK! Forget it! 104 00:07:00,100 --> 00:07:03,138 There's nothing to shoot at. Look at the readouts. Zero mass. 105 00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:06,810 - Of course! A holoship. - A holoship? 106 00:07:07,020 --> 00:07:10,331 The project was in its initial phase when I left the solar system. 107 00:07:10,580 --> 00:07:14,813 Ships of no mass or volume, able to travel as super-light particles - 108 00:07:14,980 --> 00:07:17,779 tachyons - through wormholes and stargates, 109 00:07:17,940 --> 00:07:21,137 crewed by holograms of great genius and bravery. 110 00:07:21,340 --> 00:07:25,049 And they've taken Rimmer? He should fit in just perfectly. 111 00:07:25,260 --> 00:07:28,013 Now I understand why they didn't bother with a handshake. 112 00:07:28,180 --> 00:07:30,217 Holocrews are legendarily arrogant. 113 00:07:30,380 --> 00:07:34,453 They despise stupidity wherever they see it, and they see it everywhere. 114 00:07:34,660 --> 00:07:36,731 Hang on, I'm getting another energy emission. 115 00:07:38,220 --> 00:07:42,930 Binks to Enlightenment. Have arrived on the derelict. Confirm initial speculation. 116 00:07:43,100 --> 00:07:46,616 There is absolutely nothing of any value or interest here. 117 00:07:46,780 --> 00:07:49,533 It's one of the old Class 2 ship-to-surface vessels, 118 00:07:49,700 --> 00:07:54,092 the very model, in fact, that was withdrawn due to major flight design flaws. 119 00:07:54,980 --> 00:08:00,896 Crew, three. One Series 4000 mechanoid - almost burnt out. 120 00:08:01,060 --> 00:08:04,735 Give it maybe three years. Nothing of salvageable value. 121 00:08:04,900 --> 00:08:10,930 Ah, Felis sapiens, bred from the domestic house cat and about half as smart. 122 00:08:11,100 --> 00:08:14,570 No value in future study of this species. 123 00:08:14,740 --> 00:08:19,177 What have we here? A human being, or a very close approximation. 124 00:08:21,260 --> 00:08:25,970 Chronological age, mid-20s. Physical age, 47. 125 00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:31,935 Grossly overweight, unnecessarily ugly, otherwise would recommend it for the museum. 126 00:08:32,100 --> 00:08:34,853 Apart from that. Of no value or interest. 127 00:08:35,020 --> 00:08:40,857 Lister to Red Dwarf. We have in our midst a complete smeg-pot. 128 00:08:41,980 --> 00:08:47,293 Brains in the anal region. Chin absent, presumed missing. 129 00:08:48,260 --> 00:08:53,858 Genitalia small and inoffensive, of no value or interest. 130 00:08:54,060 --> 00:08:58,099 Binks to Enlightenment. Evidence of primitive humour. 131 00:08:58,260 --> 00:09:02,094 The human has knowledge of irony, satire and imitation. 132 00:09:02,300 --> 00:09:06,009 With patient tuition could maybe master simple tasks. 133 00:09:06,220 --> 00:09:11,169 Lister to Red Dwarf. Displays evidence of spoiling for a rumble. 134 00:09:12,460 --> 00:09:15,293 Seems unable to grasp simple threats. 135 00:09:15,500 --> 00:09:20,859 With careful pummelling, could possibly be sucking tomorrow's lunch through a straw. 136 00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:23,813 Binks to Enlightenment. The human is under the delusion 137 00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:28,099 that he is somehow able to bestow physical violence to a hologram. 138 00:09:28,300 --> 00:09:33,249 Lister to Red Dwarf. The intruder seems to be blissfully unaware 139 00:09:33,420 --> 00:09:38,290 that we have a rather sturdy holowhip in the munitions cabinet, 140 00:09:38,500 --> 00:09:42,733 and unless he wants his derriére minced like burger meat, 141 00:09:42,940 --> 00:09:45,170 he'd better be history in two seconds flat. 142 00:09:45,380 --> 00:09:49,135 Binks to Enlightenment. Recon mission complete, transmit. 143 00:09:49,340 --> 00:09:52,014 With speed, Enlightenment. Quickly, please! 144 00:09:52,220 --> 00:09:56,100 Captain, Mr Rimmer from the mining ship Red Dwarf. 145 00:09:56,300 --> 00:10:00,089 Mr Rimmer. Oh, my word. It is one of the old Class 1 holograms 146 00:10:00,260 --> 00:10:05,016 I didn't realise you guys were still around. Captain Hercule Platini, 147 00:10:05,180 --> 00:10:07,535 IQ 212. Number One. 148 00:10:08,300 --> 00:10:10,940 (RUSSIAN ACCENT) Commander Natalina Pushkin, IQ 201. 149 00:10:11,660 --> 00:10:15,255 Commander Randy Navarro, IQ 194. 150 00:10:17,020 --> 00:10:20,172 Second Technician Arnold Rimmer, IQ unknown. 151 00:10:22,340 --> 00:10:26,732 - Captain, this is a magnificent ship. - So it should be, Mr Rimmer. 152 00:10:26,900 --> 00:10:31,690 After all, it was designed to carry the hologrammatic cream of the Space Corps. 153 00:10:31,860 --> 00:10:35,216 Every crew member is the top gun in his or her field. 154 00:10:35,380 --> 00:10:39,135 This is a ship, Mr Rimmer, of superhumans. 155 00:10:40,540 --> 00:10:43,976 Which is why, Captain, I feel I could really belong here. 156 00:10:45,380 --> 00:10:47,371 Are you serious? 157 00:10:47,860 --> 00:10:52,934 Everything I want in my life is here on this ship. I want to join you. 158 00:10:53,140 --> 00:10:55,575 Ah, but Mr Rimmer, you are not an officer. 159 00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:59,853 Captain, I've been in effective command of Red Dwarf now for nearly four years. 160 00:11:00,020 --> 00:11:05,140 I've guided that ragamuffin, ragtail crew of whacked-out crazies and hippy peaceniks through hell and back. 161 00:11:06,660 --> 00:11:13,293 If I gave the order, those guys would crawl on their bellies across broken glass with their flies unzipped. 162 00:11:13,460 --> 00:11:15,451 So don't tell me I'm not an officer, Captain, 163 00:11:15,620 --> 00:11:19,739 just because in deep space, there's no academy around to award me my pips. 164 00:11:19,900 --> 00:11:23,291 - You've got to take me. - Unfortunately, it's not that simple, Mr Rimmer. 165 00:11:23,460 --> 00:11:26,020 The Enlightenment already has a full ship's complement. 166 00:11:26,180 --> 00:11:29,298 The only way in is "Dead Man's Boots". 167 00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:32,094 You'll have to challenge an existing crew member. 168 00:11:32,260 --> 00:11:36,254 There are tests which tax the entire vista of your intellect. 169 00:11:37,140 --> 00:11:38,733 Oh. 170 00:11:39,140 --> 00:11:42,451 Tests that probe every aspect of your mental capability. 171 00:11:42,660 --> 00:11:44,094 Ah. 172 00:11:44,300 --> 00:11:47,770 Should you win, your opponent's run time would be terminated 173 00:11:47,940 --> 00:11:51,171 and their life-force would be used to generate you. 174 00:11:52,100 --> 00:11:54,330 Who will be my opponent? 175 00:11:54,500 --> 00:11:58,016 Well, I'm sure our computer will come up with the most stimulating match-up. 176 00:11:58,180 --> 00:12:00,535 It has stochastic capabilities. 177 00:12:00,740 --> 00:12:03,937 It predicts the future with only a 5% error margin, 178 00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:08,173 simply by extrapolating the most likely outcome of all known variables. 179 00:12:08,340 --> 00:12:11,776 I am asking it for your best chance of success. 180 00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:16,696 And here it is. Your best shot is crew member 4172. 181 00:12:16,860 --> 00:12:20,979 You have a 96% probability of failure. 182 00:12:21,820 --> 00:12:24,812 Mr Rimmer, you have 24 hours to prepare. 183 00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:30,098 Well, thank you, Commander, for a most fascinating afternoon. 184 00:12:30,260 --> 00:12:32,820 It's been most... fascinating. 185 00:12:32,980 --> 00:12:39,329 Perhaps, if you're not in any great rush, Mr Rimmer, we could retire to my quarters and have sex for a few hours. 186 00:12:39,980 --> 00:12:43,769 That was just unbelievable. 187 00:12:43,940 --> 00:12:46,216 It's never been like that before. 188 00:12:47,620 --> 00:12:49,850 Was it OK? 189 00:12:50,020 --> 00:12:52,136 It was... different. 190 00:12:53,820 --> 00:12:58,291 - Different? - You make love like a Japanese meal - 191 00:12:58,500 --> 00:13:01,777 small portions, but so many courses. 192 00:13:04,260 --> 00:13:07,537 - Look, Nirvanah... - We must dress and go now. 193 00:13:11,140 --> 00:13:15,498 - Look, Nirvanah, what I'm trying to say... - Please, don't say anything. 194 00:13:15,660 --> 00:13:21,133 I hope you didn't get me wrong just then. That meant nothing to me. Truly, less than nothing, really. 195 00:13:21,300 --> 00:13:23,177 Good. 196 00:13:23,340 --> 00:13:26,253 - We may as well have been playing tennis. - As it should be. 197 00:13:27,340 --> 00:13:31,493 I, er... don't suppose you fancy a tie-break? 198 00:13:31,660 --> 00:13:34,937 I'm sorry. I've got things I should do. 199 00:13:35,100 --> 00:13:36,932 Niet problemski. 200 00:13:37,540 --> 00:13:41,135 You know... we usually talk. 201 00:13:41,340 --> 00:13:44,970 - What do you talk about? - Oh, research, 202 00:13:45,140 --> 00:13:47,575 new theories, mission profiles. 203 00:13:48,420 --> 00:13:50,980 I'm sorry. I must have seemed very ignorant. 204 00:13:51,140 --> 00:13:54,929 I hardly said anything apart from "Geronimo". 205 00:13:57,820 --> 00:14:00,778 Thank you for the workout. 206 00:14:01,380 --> 00:14:03,053 Dress. 207 00:14:03,220 --> 00:14:04,813 Transmit. 208 00:14:08,180 --> 00:14:10,171 Privacy off. 209 00:14:10,340 --> 00:14:15,016 Commander, some amusing news. Stocky has chosen you to meet our guest's challenge. 210 00:14:22,700 --> 00:14:27,217 What you're suggesting is immoral and illegal. Mind-patching is outlawed. 211 00:14:27,420 --> 00:14:30,412 - But it IS possible? - Possible but highly dangerous. 212 00:14:30,580 --> 00:14:35,370 The side effects can be devastating. You could be reduced to a gibbering simpleton. 213 00:14:35,540 --> 00:14:37,338 Reduced? 214 00:14:38,580 --> 00:14:40,329 I dont care, I'm prepared to take the chance. 215 00:14:40,353 --> 00:14:44,010 - Even if it costs your mind? - It's a small price to pay. 216 00:14:45,220 --> 00:14:48,770 Look, on that ship I can touch, I can feel, I can taste. 217 00:14:48,940 --> 00:14:51,819 I'm not a half man anymore. With them I'm whole again. 218 00:14:52,020 --> 00:14:57,618 Rimmer, they're a bunch of arrogant, pompous, emotionally weird, stuck-up megalomaniacs. 219 00:14:57,780 --> 00:15:00,533 Do you really think you're going to fit in with them? 220 00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,896 What am I saying? Bon voyage. 221 00:15:03,100 --> 00:15:05,853 He's right, sir. Why would you want to throw in with people like that? 222 00:15:06,060 --> 00:15:11,612 To be somebody, I want to have a position of authority on a scout ship exploring unchartered space, 223 00:15:11,780 --> 00:15:17,093 work alongside educated men and women, officers, people who count. 224 00:15:17,260 --> 00:15:22,096 Lister, this is my one chance to seize my dream, to be with the winners. 225 00:15:22,260 --> 00:15:25,651 - Look at me. What do you see? - Tell me. 226 00:15:25,860 --> 00:15:31,492 You see a sad and lonely guy. A guy who left home at 16 to become an officer and a gentleman 227 00:15:31,660 --> 00:15:34,493 and ended up as a chicken soup machine operative. 228 00:15:34,660 --> 00:15:37,006 Is it any wonder my father had four strokes? 229 00:15:37,030 --> 00:15:40,417 Is it any wonder he used to sit by the window and dribble? 230 00:15:40,580 --> 00:15:42,571 I did that to him. Me. 231 00:15:42,780 --> 00:15:46,410 Look, there's nothing wrong with what you did. It was just a job. 232 00:15:46,620 --> 00:15:50,136 - You ARE your job. - Oh, not so, sir! 233 00:15:50,300 --> 00:15:53,019 Now, was Albert Camus a goalkeeper or a philosopher? 234 00:15:53,180 --> 00:15:58,254 Was Albert Einstein an clerk in a patent office or the greatest physicist who ever lived? 235 00:15:58,420 --> 00:16:01,970 And, of course, there's the oft-told tale of the simple carpenter's son 236 00:16:02,140 --> 00:16:07,260 who went on to own the largest chain of pizza stores in history, Harry Beedlebaum. 237 00:16:07,460 --> 00:16:09,909 Kryten, Albert Einstein didn't spend the best years of his life 238 00:16:09,933 --> 00:16:12,899 picking out lumps of desiccated poultry from the end of his nozzle cleaner. 239 00:16:13,980 --> 00:16:15,971 That doesn't make you a failure. 240 00:16:16,180 --> 00:16:20,219 It does in my parents' eyes. It does in my brothers' eyes. 241 00:16:20,380 --> 00:16:25,409 It does in the eyes of everyone WITH eyes. That's exactly what it makes me. 242 00:16:25,620 --> 00:16:28,453 Sir, I beg you to reconsider. If not for your sanity, 243 00:16:28,620 --> 00:16:31,897 you haven't even considered the moral implications of your decision. 244 00:16:32,060 --> 00:16:35,940 You will be joining a society where you will be compelled to have sex 245 00:16:36,100 --> 00:16:40,094 with beautiful, brilliant women twice daily on demand. 246 00:16:40,260 --> 00:16:46,017 Now, am I really the only one here who finds that just a little bit tacky? 247 00:16:48,980 --> 00:16:51,574 Well, quite clearly I am. 248 00:16:53,620 --> 00:16:57,898 Sir, I've uploaded the two candidates to be inserted into your mind - 249 00:16:58,060 --> 00:17:02,770 Science Officer Buchan, excellent scientific background, 169 IQ, 250 00:17:02,940 --> 00:17:08,299 and Flight Coordinator McQueen, superlative mathematician, 172 IQ. 251 00:17:08,460 --> 00:17:13,057 Now, even taking into account the enormous drag factor of your own mind, 252 00:17:13,220 --> 00:17:15,575 I still think we'll come up with something pretty special. 253 00:17:15,780 --> 00:17:17,428 But I will still have control? 254 00:17:17,452 --> 00:17:22,419 You'll have access to their knowledge, but your personality will have the power of veto. 255 00:17:22,580 --> 00:17:27,609 But, sir, I implore you to reconsider. If not for yourself, then for the poor officer whose life you will take. 256 00:17:27,820 --> 00:17:33,213 Wasn't it St Francis of Assisi himself who said, "Never give a sucker an even break"? 257 00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:36,378 Well, if he did, sir, it was strictly off the record. 258 00:17:36,980 --> 00:17:40,814 - Come on, Kryten. Get on with it. - Commencing integration. 259 00:17:40,980 --> 00:17:43,813 Glory or insanity awaits. 260 00:17:46,540 --> 00:17:50,010 - He's read every book in the medical library? - In under three hours. 261 00:17:50,180 --> 00:17:53,730 The change is quite astonishing. But sir, I feel I should warn you - 262 00:17:53,900 --> 00:17:58,451 this is not the pile of human wreckage we know as Arnold Rimmer. 263 00:17:58,620 --> 00:18:00,736 Prepare yourself. 264 00:18:02,980 --> 00:18:07,656 Sir, we've received the co-ordinates. Perhaps we should be... making tracks? 265 00:18:08,700 --> 00:18:10,020 Kry-ten. 266 00:18:10,180 --> 00:18:13,877 I was just thinking. Assuming, of course, we're not dealing with five-dimensional objects 267 00:18:13,901 --> 00:18:16,668 in a basic Euclidean geometric universe and given the essential premise 268 00:18:16,692 --> 00:18:20,264 that all geomathematics is based on the hideously limiting notion that one plus one equals two 269 00:18:20,288 --> 00:18:25,016 and not as Astermeyer correctly postulates that one and two are in fact the same thing observed from different precepts... 270 00:18:25,180 --> 00:18:26,978 (SNORTS) 271 00:18:27,140 --> 00:18:30,895 ..the theoretical shapes described by Sidis must therefore be: a polydridocdecawihedron 272 00:18:31,060 --> 00:18:34,132 a hexasexahedroadicon and a dibidolihedecadodron. 273 00:18:34,300 --> 00:18:35,813 (SNORTS) 274 00:18:35,980 --> 00:18:39,575 - Everything else is poppycock, isn't that so? - Rimmer? 275 00:18:39,780 --> 00:18:42,056 I wrote a palindromic haiku this morning. Perhaps you'd like to hear it? 276 00:18:42,220 --> 00:18:45,736 - I'm afraid we don't speak Japanese, sir. - I could translate it into Mandarin for you? 277 00:18:45,940 --> 00:18:51,652 Rimmer, we don't speak Japanese, we don't speak Mandarin, and we don't speak satsuma. 278 00:18:52,900 --> 00:18:55,289 He is really beginning to get on my pecs. 279 00:18:55,460 --> 00:18:58,737 You must remember, sir, he's operating on a completely different level to us now. 280 00:18:58,940 --> 00:19:02,820 To him, we are the intellectual equivalent of domestic science teachers. 281 00:19:04,340 --> 00:19:06,490 Subject ready for transfer. 282 00:19:06,660 --> 00:19:09,618 Farewell, gentlemen. Glory awaits. 283 00:19:12,740 --> 00:19:16,324 Attention candidates, to preserve the pure intellectual nature of this challenge 284 00:19:16,348 --> 00:19:17,974 you will remain in separate suites. 285 00:19:18,180 --> 00:19:22,458 The questions will come through your headphones in a variety of different languages to confuse and disorient you. 286 00:19:22,660 --> 00:19:26,096 There will be a total of 200,000 questions in this initial session. 287 00:19:26,300 --> 00:19:30,851 After you have completed the tasks at workstation A you may proceed to workstation B. 288 00:19:31,060 --> 00:19:34,530 I shall undertake both tasks simultaneously, if it's all the same to you. 289 00:19:34,740 --> 00:19:38,620 - Mr Rimmer, that is impossible. - Nevertheless, I shall attempt it. 290 00:19:39,220 --> 00:19:41,211 It begins. 291 00:19:43,100 --> 00:19:45,819 (BLEEPING AND TAPPING) 292 00:20:14,340 --> 00:20:17,651 Erm, you sound like exactly what we're looking for. Are there any questions that you would like to ask us? 293 00:20:17,860 --> 00:20:20,630 I just want to get one thing clear in my mind. 294 00:20:20,654 --> 00:20:25,525 This is an opportunity to be revived as a hologram and become a part of the crew... 295 00:20:25,549 --> 00:20:27,175 ...and the crew is you three? 296 00:20:29,300 --> 00:20:34,978 Basically, you spend your time salvaging derelict spaceships, playing poker and eating curries. 297 00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:40,620 - We don't do that much salvaging. - But you do sound like you eat a lot of curries. 298 00:20:40,780 --> 00:20:43,056 We don't eat curry every night, if that's what you think. 299 00:20:43,220 --> 00:20:48,340 In fact, I remember quite clearly last June, Mr Lister had a pizza. Remember? 300 00:20:48,500 --> 00:20:50,298 - Yeah. - And you didn't like it. 301 00:20:50,460 --> 00:20:54,419 But then I poured curry sauce over it, and he yummed it up. 302 00:20:54,620 --> 00:20:58,329 And the all-night poker sessions, is it always strip poker? 303 00:20:58,540 --> 00:21:03,057 - It depends on how drunk we are. - Or how much curry he's had. 304 00:21:03,260 --> 00:21:06,059 So - and this is probably sounds like a stupid question - 305 00:21:06,220 --> 00:21:09,531 you don't really have much interest in horse riding or ballet? 306 00:21:09,740 --> 00:21:14,450 Fine by us, yeah. As long as we can have a curry afterwards, we're cool. 307 00:21:14,620 --> 00:21:17,214 Of course, there's one or two other people that we have to see, 308 00:21:17,380 --> 00:21:21,135 but, in theory, if we offered you the post of replacement hologram would you accept? 309 00:21:21,580 --> 00:21:22,900 - No. - No. 310 00:21:23,100 --> 00:21:27,412 - No, I think I'm better off where I am. - But you're dead! 311 00:21:27,620 --> 00:21:32,694 And meeting you guys has really made me appreciate it a whole lot more. 312 00:21:32,900 --> 00:21:34,971 Well, thank you, Ms Harrison. 313 00:21:35,140 --> 00:21:37,700 - Thank you. Thank you very much. - Next. 314 00:21:37,900 --> 00:21:40,858 Next candidate, Deck Sergeant Sam Murray. 315 00:21:41,020 --> 00:21:44,012 Ah, Sam. Now, as Holly will have told you... 316 00:21:44,220 --> 00:21:46,894 - My own mind's come back! You gotta help me. - Well, what happened exactly? 317 00:21:47,060 --> 00:21:50,769 Was it a slow deterioration in your own intelligence or did it happen in seconds? 318 00:21:50,940 --> 00:21:54,251 Seconds. I'm in the middle of the assessment, you've got to give me another mind-patch, pronto. 319 00:21:54,420 --> 00:21:56,659 I'm sorry, sir. It's classic rejection syndrome. 320 00:21:56,683 --> 00:21:59,449 Once the minds are unmeshed, there is nothing we can do. 321 00:21:59,620 --> 00:22:01,232 What are you talking about? 322 00:22:01,256 --> 00:22:05,696 You just don't have the sort of brain that can accept an implant, sir. 323 00:22:05,900 --> 00:22:08,050 - No! - I'm sorry, sir. 324 00:22:08,260 --> 00:22:10,570 - There must be something you can do? - I'm afraid not. 325 00:22:10,780 --> 00:22:13,499 But I'm winning, I'm so close... Who's this? 326 00:22:14,860 --> 00:22:17,329 I'm not even gone and you're choosing my replacement! 327 00:22:17,540 --> 00:22:21,454 - We thought you weren't coming back. - Well, you should've known better, shouldn't you? 328 00:22:21,620 --> 00:22:26,410 You actually expect something to go right for me? Arnold "Schmucko" Rimmer? 329 00:22:26,580 --> 00:22:29,493 Tosspot by Royal Appointment? 330 00:22:30,420 --> 00:22:32,775 Well, where are you going, sir? 331 00:22:34,260 --> 00:22:36,376 I'm going to withdraw. 332 00:22:40,980 --> 00:22:43,540 I hear you're doing well in the assessment. 333 00:22:43,700 --> 00:22:45,771 (MUTTERS SNIDELY) 334 00:22:45,980 --> 00:22:50,213 Well, listen, if you make it through maybe you'd like to have sex sometime next week? 335 00:22:50,380 --> 00:22:55,819 - I'm free Wednesday morning. - I'm sorry, I'm busy Wednesday. I'm killing myself. 336 00:22:56,300 --> 00:22:59,770 (LIFT) Floor 6120 - botanical gardens. 337 00:23:03,020 --> 00:23:05,057 Arnie, where've you been? 338 00:23:05,260 --> 00:23:07,251 To hell and back. 339 00:23:07,460 --> 00:23:10,054 - I've withdrawn from the challenge. - But you're winning. 340 00:23:10,260 --> 00:23:13,855 - I was using a mind-patch. - A mind-patch? Are you insane?! 341 00:23:14,860 --> 00:23:21,050 I would've done anything to get on this ship. Every time I look in the mirror, I see this. 342 00:23:21,220 --> 00:23:25,214 Only to me, it doesn't mean hologram, it means "halfwit", 343 00:23:25,380 --> 00:23:28,259 "hopeless", "hideous failure". 344 00:23:28,420 --> 00:23:31,617 This was a chance to be somebody. Somebody I liked. 345 00:23:31,820 --> 00:23:34,096 I've never met anyone like you before. 346 00:23:34,300 --> 00:23:37,213 - Everyone says that. - Listen to me, mister. 347 00:23:37,380 --> 00:23:40,577 Underneath all that neurotic mess is someone nice trying to get out. 348 00:23:40,780 --> 00:23:43,340 someone who deserves a chance to grow. 349 00:23:43,500 --> 00:23:46,731 So you won't give up, OK? 350 00:23:46,900 --> 00:23:50,370 - OK? - I cheated. 351 00:23:50,580 --> 00:23:55,290 You're going to win, Arnie. You're going to get your dream. I promise you. 352 00:23:56,300 --> 00:23:58,576 You really think? 353 00:24:02,980 --> 00:24:05,369 I really think. 354 00:24:18,820 --> 00:24:21,539 - I won. - What?! 355 00:24:21,700 --> 00:24:27,013 My opponent withdrew. I won. I'm an officer. I leave tonight. 356 00:24:30,460 --> 00:24:32,656 Look, I'm not good at big speeches, 357 00:24:32,860 --> 00:24:36,819 and I know I haven't always been an easy guy to get on with. 358 00:24:36,980 --> 00:24:41,690 And I know that, given the choice, I probably wouldn't have chosen you as friends. 359 00:24:41,900 --> 00:24:46,053 But I just want to say that over the years, 360 00:24:46,220 --> 00:24:53,013 I have come to regard you as... people... I met. 361 00:24:54,620 --> 00:24:58,978 - I'd just better go, OK? - See you, smeghead. 362 00:24:59,140 --> 00:25:00,938 - Transfer. - Transfer. 363 00:25:08,900 --> 00:25:11,494 Here are your quarters, Mr Rimmer. 364 00:25:12,740 --> 00:25:15,175 There must be some mistake, these are Commander Crane's quarters. 365 00:25:15,380 --> 00:25:18,259 Oh, didn't you know? She was your opponent. 366 00:25:28,180 --> 00:25:30,251 Navigation Officer Rimmer reporting, sir. 367 00:25:30,460 --> 00:25:34,090 Arnold, welcome aboard. I trust everything's to your sa- 368 00:25:34,300 --> 00:25:36,098 Permission to speak, sir. 369 00:25:36,300 --> 00:25:39,133 I wish to resign my commission, sir. 370 00:25:39,300 --> 00:25:43,578 Resign. May I ask your reasoning, please? 371 00:25:43,780 --> 00:25:47,455 Flight Commander Crane has taken leave of her senses and fallen in love with me, sir. 372 00:25:47,660 --> 00:25:49,306 Love? (SCOFFS) Surely not. 373 00:25:49,330 --> 00:25:54,293 Commander Crane is far too intellectually advanced to submit to a mere short-term hormonal imbalance. 374 00:25:54,500 --> 00:25:57,458 That's why she withdrew from the challenge and allowed me to win, sir. 375 00:25:57,660 --> 00:26:03,019 Mr Rimmer, what you are suggesting is that somehow she cared more for your happiness than she did for her own life. 376 00:26:03,220 --> 00:26:07,418 Am I? Yes, sir. I suppose I am, sir. 377 00:26:07,620 --> 00:26:11,170 And now you are doing something equally unfathomable, resigning so that she can be reinstated, 378 00:26:11,340 --> 00:26:13,411 even though here, you could have everything - 379 00:26:13,620 --> 00:26:17,978 a position of command, an effective physical presence, everything. 380 00:26:18,140 --> 00:26:21,815 Perhaps you'd be kind enough to pass this note on to her, sir. 381 00:26:22,020 --> 00:26:25,217 I understand your gesture, but your really your resignation solves nothing. 382 00:26:25,380 --> 00:26:27,894 After all, the two of you will still be... apart. 383 00:26:28,100 --> 00:26:31,775 - Permission to return to Red Dwarf, sir. - Granted. 384 00:26:38,620 --> 00:26:41,009 Oh, and, sir, you're wrong. 385 00:26:41,180 --> 00:26:45,492 We won't be apart, we just... won't be together. 386 00:26:49,580 --> 00:26:52,971 I cannot believe I just said that. 387 00:27:02,580 --> 00:27:05,891 # It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere 388 00:27:06,060 --> 00:27:09,337 # I'm all alone, more or less 389 00:27:09,500 --> 00:27:12,618 # Let me fly far away from here 390 00:27:12,780 --> 00:27:15,454 # Fun, fun, fun 391 00:27:15,620 --> 00:27:19,136 # In the sun, sun, sun 392 00:27:19,300 --> 00:27:22,531 # I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose 393 00:27:22,700 --> 00:27:25,852 # Drinking fresh mango juice 394 00:27:26,020 --> 00:27:29,251 # Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes 395 00:27:29,420 --> 00:27:32,060 # Fun, fun, fun 396 00:27:32,220 --> 00:27:35,770 # In the sun, sun, sun 397 00:27:35,940 --> 00:27:38,659 # Fun, fun, fun 398 00:27:38,820 --> 00:27:43,291 # In the sun, sun, sun #