1 00:00:03,160 --> 00:00:05,754 ("RED DWARF" THEME) 2 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:41,958 (WIND WHISTLES) 3 00:00:50,980 --> 00:00:54,098 (KRYTEN) Gravity 1.5. Wind 40 knots and variable. 4 00:00:54,300 --> 00:00:58,453 Coordinates locked and set. Launch scouter. 5 00:00:58,620 --> 00:01:03,535 Wait a minute. I'm in charge of security and surveillance aboard this vessel. 6 00:01:03,740 --> 00:01:07,734 I, Mr Kryten, am the one who says "Launch scouter". 7 00:01:07,900 --> 00:01:10,972 I'm sorry, sir, I didn't mean to steal your thunder. 8 00:01:11,620 --> 00:01:13,691 Launch scouter. 9 00:01:19,380 --> 00:01:21,849 Launch scouter. 10 00:01:26,340 --> 00:01:29,651 I'll be in the stern, correlating the, uh... 11 00:01:29,820 --> 00:01:31,413 in the stern. 12 00:01:32,060 --> 00:01:35,769 Would you be so good as to launch the scouter, sir? 13 00:01:35,940 --> 00:01:37,931 Ave-aye, sir! 14 00:01:38,900 --> 00:01:40,891 Scouter launched, sir! 15 00:01:50,780 --> 00:01:54,216 Sir, it appears we've encountered a scientific research centre. 16 00:01:54,420 --> 00:01:58,334 - And someone's in there, man. A survivor. - A Dr Hildegarde Lanstrom. 17 00:01:58,540 --> 00:02:01,419 Clearly, I am superfluous to this entire operation, 18 00:02:01,580 --> 00:02:06,973 ably commanded as it is by a droid who was created purely to clean lavatories, 19 00:02:07,140 --> 00:02:10,337 so I really don't know why you are telling me all this, Captain Bog-Bot. 20 00:02:11,740 --> 00:02:13,219 She's a hologram. 21 00:02:13,420 --> 00:02:18,051 I'm afraid we're going to have to commandeer your remote projection unit in order to rescue her, sir. 22 00:02:18,260 --> 00:02:24,654 Oh, I see. First of all, I'm deemed unsuitable to issue the command "launch scouter", 23 00:02:24,820 --> 00:02:30,213 and now I'm being bundled into an escape pod and relieved of my duties by Commander U-Bend. 24 00:02:30,420 --> 00:02:35,369 Rimmer, why are you taking this so personal. It's the only way to get her back to the ship. 25 00:02:35,580 --> 00:02:39,016 - Why do we need another hologram on board? - She's a doctor, sir. 26 00:02:39,180 --> 00:02:43,139 - She would be a valuable asset to the team. - And as usual, it's left to me 27 00:02:43,300 --> 00:02:45,530 to point out the fatal flaw in your logic. 28 00:02:45,740 --> 00:02:49,210 - Flaw? - This vessel, gentlemen and khazi droids... 29 00:02:50,380 --> 00:02:55,853 the crimson short one up there, can only sustain one hologram, or had you forgotten? 30 00:02:58,700 --> 00:03:01,852 - You hadn't forgotten? - Look, we'll work something out. 31 00:03:02,020 --> 00:03:04,534 Some kind of "timeshare" thing. 32 00:03:04,740 --> 00:03:08,370 What do you mean? What do you think I am, a holiday villa in the Algarve? 33 00:03:08,580 --> 00:03:12,892 Sir, might I remind you, as Space Corps Directive 169 quite clearly states... 34 00:03:13,100 --> 00:03:14,327 Holly, prepare an escape pod. 35 00:03:14,351 --> 00:03:17,458 Anything to save me from another (MIMICS KRYTEN) "Space Corps Directive". 36 00:03:17,660 --> 00:03:20,015 Sir, the Space Corps Directives are there to protect us. 37 00:03:20,180 --> 00:03:23,536 They're not a set of vindictive pronouncements directed against any one person. 38 00:03:23,740 --> 00:03:29,372 Has anyone ever seen this legendary Space Corps Directive manual? 39 00:03:32,580 --> 00:03:34,935 - Well, no. - He's making it up isn't he? 40 00:03:35,100 --> 00:03:38,570 - The bloody book doesn't exist. - Sir, I assure you... 41 00:03:38,780 --> 00:03:42,057 Why does he only ever use them against me, why are they never against Lister? 42 00:03:42,220 --> 00:03:44,609 Why do we never hear him quoting Space Corps Directives 43 00:03:44,780 --> 00:03:49,456 that clearly state, "No crew member should floss his teeth with the E-string of his guitar 44 00:03:49,620 --> 00:03:54,899 "after spraying the entire contents of his Sugar Puff sandwich all over his superior's bunk." 45 00:03:55,060 --> 00:03:58,735 - We never hear that one, do we? - Holly, kindly furnish Mr Rimmer 46 00:03:58,900 --> 00:04:02,495 with a hologrammatic copy of the Space Corps Directive manual. 47 00:04:02,660 --> 00:04:06,216 - Come on. Where is it? - That's it?! 48 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:10,691 You should be able to study it at your leisure on your trip back to Red Dwarf, sir. 49 00:04:15,100 --> 00:04:17,376 - You've changed, you know that? - Changed? 50 00:04:17,540 --> 00:04:20,817 They may not see it, but I do. I know what's going on. 51 00:04:20,980 --> 00:04:23,733 You've become a really nasty piece of work. 52 00:04:23,900 --> 00:04:27,689 - Sir, I was merely... - You're merely a mechanoid, that's all you're 'merely'. 53 00:04:27,860 --> 00:04:29,897 Don't ever forget it. 54 00:04:31,780 --> 00:04:33,930 What a smee... 55 00:04:34,140 --> 00:04:35,892 What a smee... 56 00:04:36,300 --> 00:04:39,691 What a smee... heeeeeeee... 57 00:04:48,460 --> 00:04:50,451 (CALLS OUT) Dr Lanstrom? 58 00:04:54,700 --> 00:04:56,930 (KRYTEN) Are you there, Doctor? 59 00:05:02,620 --> 00:05:04,975 Oh, brutal. 60 00:05:23,580 --> 00:05:28,051 There's no need for alarm, sir. If there were dangerous viral strains in the atmosphere, 61 00:05:28,220 --> 00:05:31,531 the psi-scan would have picked them up by now. 62 00:05:34,300 --> 00:05:36,371 It's never done that before. 63 00:05:37,140 --> 00:05:41,611 (MUTTERS) Blasted, stupid... Cheap damn stupid Martian power packs. 64 00:05:41,780 --> 00:05:44,340 (BUZZES) 65 00:05:44,500 --> 00:05:46,491 So what's the news? 66 00:05:46,660 --> 00:05:49,334 Well, if I can just beg your indulgences for just a few seconds more, sir. 67 00:05:49,500 --> 00:05:53,414 The old 345 takes a little time to warm up. 68 00:05:53,580 --> 00:05:57,016 Still, it out-performs the 346 in eight out of nine bench tests. 69 00:05:57,180 --> 00:06:02,971 A small wonder, then, that it secured "Psi-Scan of the Year, Best Budget Model" three years running. 70 00:06:03,140 --> 00:06:05,290 Now here are the results... 71 00:06:06,380 --> 00:06:08,178 And we're going to... 72 00:06:08,940 --> 00:06:10,738 live. 73 00:06:12,900 --> 00:06:15,972 We're a real Mickey Mouse operation, aren't we? 74 00:06:16,580 --> 00:06:19,572 Mickey Mouse? We ain't even Betty Boop! 75 00:06:23,460 --> 00:06:25,656 Oh. Extraordinary. 76 00:06:30,460 --> 00:06:32,258 Incredible. 77 00:06:34,580 --> 00:06:36,571 (LISTER) Hey, look at this. 78 00:06:38,980 --> 00:06:41,210 A nest of stasis pods. 79 00:06:45,180 --> 00:06:47,694 I must have triggered something. 80 00:06:49,580 --> 00:06:51,571 Doctor? Doctor Lanstrom? 81 00:06:51,740 --> 00:06:53,936 (GERMAN ACCENT) And who might you be? 82 00:06:54,340 --> 00:06:57,298 Hi. We were just passing. We picked up the beacon. 83 00:06:57,940 --> 00:07:00,614 Schopenhauer was right, wouldn't you say? 84 00:07:01,380 --> 00:07:05,089 Life without pain has no meaning. 85 00:07:06,700 --> 00:07:12,013 Gentlemen, I wish to give your lives meaning. 86 00:07:12,620 --> 00:07:16,011 (EERIE WAILING) - Cat... 87 00:07:19,140 --> 00:07:20,823 Why can't we ever meet anyone nice? 88 00:07:20,847 --> 00:07:23,976 Why is it we can never meet anyone who can shoot straight? 89 00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:29,613 I'm telling you, Kryten is taking over, slowly but surely. 90 00:07:29,820 --> 00:07:33,490 Remember how he used to be in the early days? A gibbering wreck 91 00:07:33,514 --> 00:07:37,533 completely unassertive, no self-confidence, plagued by guilt, convinced he was fourth-rate? 92 00:07:37,700 --> 00:07:42,217 - I really liked him then. - Escape pod checked and standing by. 93 00:07:42,420 --> 00:07:45,333 - Well, check it again. - I've done three complete checks. 94 00:07:45,500 --> 00:07:48,492 - It's ready to launch. - Right, I'm going. 95 00:07:50,260 --> 00:07:54,299 What really gets my goat, is the way he thinks he can order me about. 96 00:07:54,460 --> 00:07:59,250 Well, he who lives by the rule book, dies by the rule book. 97 00:07:59,420 --> 00:08:03,414 (LISTER ON RADIO) Can you hear us? It's me. Listen man, Lanstrom's got some holo-virus. 98 00:08:03,580 --> 00:08:07,147 - She's totally barking! - Listy? 99 00:08:07,171 --> 00:08:09,975 We need back-up, man. We need it bad. We need it now. 100 00:08:10,140 --> 00:08:12,131 Everything OK? 101 00:08:13,180 --> 00:08:17,413 - What? Can't you hear me? - I'm sorry, Lister, you're very faint. 102 00:08:17,620 --> 00:08:21,534 (KRYTEN) Dr Lanstrom has contracted some kind of mutated holo-plague 103 00:08:21,700 --> 00:08:24,692 and is in a fearful psychopathic fury. 104 00:08:24,860 --> 00:08:26,817 Marvellous! 105 00:08:28,100 --> 00:08:31,616 I'm sure she'll be a valuable asset to the team. 106 00:08:31,780 --> 00:08:36,092 Sir, I'm going to change the frequency. Can you hear me now? 107 00:08:40,980 --> 00:08:47,420 Hello. My name is Dr Hildegarde Lanstrom and I am quite, quite mad. 108 00:08:47,580 --> 00:08:50,936 Are you really? How absolutely splendid. 109 00:08:51,140 --> 00:08:53,370 I have a riddle for you. 110 00:08:53,540 --> 00:08:59,058 What's dead and dead and dead all over? 111 00:08:59,500 --> 00:09:02,060 Give in, Dr Fruit-Loop. Do tell me. 112 00:09:04,060 --> 00:09:07,132 (MOCKING TONE) Yoooooooooooou... 113 00:09:10,340 --> 00:09:17,098 Well, we know what to get you for Christmas: a double-lobotomy and 10 rolls of rubber wallpaper. 114 00:09:17,300 --> 00:09:21,134 Holly, I really must be making tracks. Keep me updated as to any further developments, will you? 115 00:09:34,540 --> 00:09:36,895 Where is she? 116 00:09:37,060 --> 00:09:39,449 I fear she's toying with us, sir. 117 00:09:39,620 --> 00:09:44,569 - What kind of disease gives her hex vision? - Clearly some kind of psi-virus, sir. 118 00:09:44,740 --> 00:09:47,892 It appears to stimulate the dormant psychic areas of the brain, 119 00:09:48,060 --> 00:09:51,257 which, until now, humankind has been unable to harness. 120 00:09:51,420 --> 00:09:55,175 Unfortunately, it requires so much energy, it drains the victim's life-force. 121 00:09:55,380 --> 00:09:57,143 That's why she was in the stasis pod? 122 00:09:57,167 --> 00:10:01,052 Precisely. Lanstrom was preserving what little lifespan remains her. 123 00:10:01,220 --> 00:10:05,293 Well, if she's running out of time, maybe we can just give her the run-around. 124 00:10:05,460 --> 00:10:07,895 Theoretically, a sound notion, sir. Unfortunately... 125 00:10:08,060 --> 00:10:11,690 Unfortunately, she has already found you. 126 00:10:13,060 --> 00:10:16,052 Twinkle, twinkle, little eye, 127 00:10:16,220 --> 00:10:20,293 now it's time for you to die. 128 00:10:22,060 --> 00:10:25,769 (WAILS IN AGONY) 129 00:10:28,260 --> 00:10:31,810 Poor woman. Destroyed by her own genius. 130 00:10:31,980 --> 00:10:35,291 - Genius? - Oh, yes. From what little I've seen of her research, 131 00:10:35,460 --> 00:10:38,339 before the holo-virus, she had a quite remarkable mind. 132 00:10:38,500 --> 00:10:42,494 If I'm right, the fruits of her work should live on. 133 00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:49,774 - Anything? - Quite extraordinary. 134 00:10:49,940 --> 00:10:54,218 Lanstrom postulated that there were two kinds of virus - positive and negative. 135 00:10:54,380 --> 00:10:57,577 - The negative we already know about. - Yeah, like flu, rabies, that kind of stuff. 136 00:10:57,780 --> 00:11:02,377 But she also believed that there were positive viral strains which actually made human beings feel better. 137 00:11:02,540 --> 00:11:03,637 Such as? 138 00:11:03,661 --> 00:11:06,977 Well, at a very basic level, she predicted a kind of reverse flu, 139 00:11:07,140 --> 00:11:10,849 a strain of virus which promotes an unaccountable feeling of well-being and happiness. 140 00:11:11,060 --> 00:11:13,893 That's happened to me. My life's been turned to complete and utter crud, 141 00:11:14,060 --> 00:11:17,178 and I've woken up in the morning, feeling good for no apparent reason. 142 00:11:17,380 --> 00:11:22,500 The chances are, sir, that on those occasions you had unwittingly contracted Lanstrom's virus. 143 00:11:22,660 --> 00:11:27,291 According to her notes, 20th-century DJs suffered from it all the time. 144 00:11:27,780 --> 00:11:29,148 So what's in the tubes? 145 00:11:29,172 --> 00:11:33,298 Lanstrom claims to have isolated several strains of positive virus. 146 00:11:33,460 --> 00:11:36,179 Inspiration, charisma, sexual magnetism... 147 00:11:36,380 --> 00:11:40,977 Sexual magnetism's a virus? Well, get me to hospital, I'm a terminal case! 148 00:11:43,820 --> 00:11:46,778 This one is the most intriguing of all. According to her notes, 149 00:11:46,980 --> 00:11:51,497 this is the viral strain Felicitus populi, commonly known as "luck." 150 00:11:51,700 --> 00:11:54,055 - Luck is a virus? - A positive virus, 151 00:11:54,220 --> 00:11:58,179 which most humans contract at some point in their lives for very short periods. 152 00:11:58,340 --> 00:12:02,732 And here it is, Lady Luck in liquid form. Want to try some? 153 00:12:03,580 --> 00:12:05,856 - Is it safe? - Absolutely harmless. 154 00:12:06,020 --> 00:12:10,218 Even so, this is a minute dose will only last for about three minutes. 155 00:12:11,540 --> 00:12:16,296 Now, I want you to pick out all the aces from this pack of cards. 156 00:12:16,460 --> 00:12:19,020 - Shuffle 'em? - Mm-hmm. 157 00:12:21,580 --> 00:12:23,571 13 to 1. 158 00:12:26,100 --> 00:12:28,091 221 to 1. 159 00:12:28,380 --> 00:12:31,213 5,525 to 1. 160 00:12:31,380 --> 00:12:35,533 270,725 to 1. 161 00:12:36,460 --> 00:12:40,693 Sir, I wan't you to throw this dart over here into that bullseye behind you 162 00:12:40,860 --> 00:12:43,136 using your left hand, without looking. 163 00:12:43,300 --> 00:12:44,487 - What, using my left hand? - Hm-mmm. 164 00:12:44,511 --> 00:12:45,725 - Into the bulls-eye? - Hm-mmm. 165 00:12:45,749 --> 00:12:46,770 - Without looking? - Hm-mmm 166 00:12:46,940 --> 00:12:48,931 - No chance. - Trust me, sir. 167 00:12:49,140 --> 00:12:50,556 - You ready? - Hm-mmm! 168 00:12:50,580 --> 00:12:51,276 (DULL THUD) 169 00:12:51,300 --> 00:12:56,818 Ah. I think that indicates the luck virus has worn off. 170 00:12:57,420 --> 00:13:01,209 When you're quite finished, chaps. we've got a bit of a problem with the cargo bay doors. 171 00:13:02,940 --> 00:13:04,977 - What sort of problem? - They won't open. 172 00:13:05,140 --> 00:13:08,656 - Rimmer's put in an override. - Welcome home, gentlemen. 173 00:13:08,820 --> 00:13:12,575 If you'd like to proceed to the aft, you'll find the landing lights on in Bay 47. 174 00:13:12,780 --> 00:13:14,657 Bay 47? That's quarantine! 175 00:13:14,860 --> 00:13:18,569 - Spot on. - But, sir, I've screened us all. We're clean. 176 00:13:18,780 --> 00:13:25,095 Well, much as I trust a viral screening conducted by an automated toilet attendant, 177 00:13:25,260 --> 00:13:31,131 I really must draw your attention to Space Corps Directive 595. 178 00:13:31,340 --> 00:13:34,890 - For cryin' out loud! - I have no intention of contracting 179 00:13:35,060 --> 00:13:38,416 the hologrammatic equivalent of foaming dog fever. 180 00:13:38,580 --> 00:13:42,096 So, gentlemen, if you'd all like to proceed to quarantine room 152, 181 00:13:42,260 --> 00:13:45,537 where you will be spending the next three months. 182 00:13:59,140 --> 00:14:01,177 (DOOR HUMS) 183 00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:05,095 12 weeks. I have a deep, dark sense of foreboding about this. 184 00:14:05,300 --> 00:14:07,689 Oh, come on. we'll get through it. 185 00:14:07,860 --> 00:14:12,978 - This is single quarters. One chair, one bed, one shower. - We'll manage. 186 00:14:13,002 --> 00:14:17,099 Sir, it's a scientific fact that the human male needs to spend time by himself. 187 00:14:17,300 --> 00:14:18,620 - It is? - Hmm. 188 00:14:18,780 --> 00:14:22,330 The most popular pastimes have always been ones that males can enjoy alone - 189 00:14:22,500 --> 00:14:26,016 angling, golf and, of course, the all-time number one. 190 00:14:27,580 --> 00:14:31,289 It's not just humans. Look what happens when two male tigers are locked up together, 191 00:14:31,460 --> 00:14:33,736 one of them winds up on the other guy's toothpick. 192 00:14:33,940 --> 00:14:37,899 Lions, tigers, scorpions, rats... even vultures when they're in captivity. 193 00:14:38,100 --> 00:14:41,775 What are you saying to me? Vultures need personal space? 194 00:14:41,940 --> 00:14:47,060 They need, like, time alone to put their feet up and read "What Carcass?" magazine? 195 00:14:47,260 --> 00:14:50,810 Sir, I think you're downplaying the gravity of the situation. 196 00:14:51,020 --> 00:14:55,412 Look, what difference does it make? We hang out together most of the time anyway. 197 00:14:55,620 --> 00:14:59,773 Yeah, but we all knew we could stroll out the door at any time. Not now, though. 198 00:14:59,980 --> 00:15:04,656 Welcome to quarantine, lads. I hope the next 84 days pass as swiftly 199 00:15:04,820 --> 00:15:07,209 and pleasantly as the 100 Years' War. 200 00:15:07,420 --> 00:15:10,731 Sir, I must protest. You've only supplied us with single-berth accommodation. 201 00:15:10,940 --> 00:15:16,697 Space Corps Directive 597 clearly states "one berth per registered crew member". 202 00:15:16,860 --> 00:15:21,013 And as Listy is the only registered crew member, one berth is all you get. 203 00:15:21,500 --> 00:15:24,014 - Don't rise to him. - What about entertainment? 204 00:15:24,220 --> 00:15:27,178 You are obliged to provide us with minimum leisure facilities. 205 00:15:27,380 --> 00:15:30,611 Games, literature, hobby activities, motion pictures. 206 00:15:30,820 --> 00:15:35,576 And in accordance with Space Corps Directive 312, you will find in the storage cupboard over there. 207 00:15:35,740 --> 00:15:38,858 a chess set with 31 missing pieces, 208 00:15:39,020 --> 00:15:43,298 a knitting magazine with a pull-out special on crocheted hats, 209 00:15:43,460 --> 00:15:46,532 a puzzle magazine with all the crosswords completed 210 00:15:46,700 --> 00:15:53,572 and a video of the excellent cinematic treat "Wallpapering, Painting and Stippling - a DIY Guide". 211 00:15:53,780 --> 00:15:54,906 Don't rise to him. 212 00:15:54,930 --> 00:15:58,331 And fulfilling all Space Corps dietary requirements, 213 00:15:58,500 --> 00:16:02,494 dinner tonight, gentlemen, will consist of sprout soup, 214 00:16:02,660 --> 00:16:05,254 followed by sprout salad, 215 00:16:05,460 --> 00:16:10,216 and for dessert - I think you'll like it, rather unusual - sprout crumble. 216 00:16:10,420 --> 00:16:13,936 Rimmer, you know damn well sprouts make me chuck. 217 00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:18,930 Well, this is awful. I've got you down for sprouts almost every meal. 218 00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:23,411 I tell a lie. It IS every meal. 219 00:16:23,620 --> 00:16:26,612 - How long are you going to keep this up for, Rimmer? - Keep what up? 220 00:16:26,780 --> 00:16:30,216 I'm merely executing Space Corps Directive 595. 221 00:16:30,380 --> 00:16:35,409 Anyway, must dasheroonie. I've got to organise your daily provision of musical entertainment. 222 00:16:35,580 --> 00:16:41,098 I think you're going to like it. It's a perpetually looped tape of "Reggie Dixon's Tango Treats". 223 00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:43,860 OK. Time to rise to him. Let me at him! I'll kill him! 224 00:16:45,860 --> 00:16:50,093 Listen guys, he wants us to get on each other's nerves. Go through twelve weeks of hell. 225 00:16:50,260 --> 00:16:52,774 Well, we're not going to give him the satisfaction. 226 00:16:52,940 --> 00:16:58,094 OK, 'cause the entire time we're here, we're not gonna have one single argument, not a raised voice, not a cross word, 227 00:16:58,260 --> 00:17:01,730 not one angry exchange. OK? OK? 228 00:17:01,900 --> 00:17:03,971 Boys from the Dwarf. 229 00:17:18,740 --> 00:17:24,691 I think that's straight now. Two hours it's taken me to panel-beat my head back into shape. 230 00:17:24,900 --> 00:17:26,971 Two damn hours. 231 00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:29,933 Guys, just take it easy. 232 00:17:33,820 --> 00:17:36,212 If he tells me to 'take it easy' one more time, 233 00:17:36,236 --> 00:17:40,613 I swear, I'll turn his ears into a pair of maracas and tap-dance a fandango on his throat. 234 00:17:40,820 --> 00:17:45,656 I'm just saying there's 79 more days to go. 235 00:17:45,860 --> 00:17:52,095 And if you want to be alive when there's only 78 more days to go, I suggest you do not blow your nose. 236 00:17:52,300 --> 00:17:55,053 Do you mind if I ask why? 237 00:17:55,260 --> 00:17:58,059 Well, let's forego the noise and revolting burbling sound 238 00:17:58,220 --> 00:18:02,009 and go straight to the really gross part, when you always - 239 00:18:02,180 --> 00:18:05,059 and I mean always - having blown your nose, 240 00:18:05,220 --> 00:18:10,294 have to open up the handkerchief and take a look at the contents. 241 00:18:10,460 --> 00:18:15,216 I mean, why? What do you expect to see in there? 242 00:18:15,420 --> 00:18:17,650 A Turner seascape, perhaps? 243 00:18:18,740 --> 00:18:23,735 The face of the Madonna? An undiscovered Shakespearean sonnet? 244 00:18:23,940 --> 00:18:27,251 Rimmer was right about you. You have changed. 245 00:18:29,580 --> 00:18:32,572 - You're getting tetchy. - Oh no, now don't call me tetchy. 246 00:18:32,740 --> 00:18:34,811 You know what happens when you call me tetchy. 247 00:18:34,980 --> 00:18:38,098 Well, I'm calling you it now! That's exactly what I'm calling you. 248 00:18:38,260 --> 00:18:41,252 Tetchy. Tetchy. Tetchy! 249 00:18:41,460 --> 00:18:45,738 Just as well I can't hear you. It's just as well as I can't hear you calling me tetchy. 250 00:18:45,900 --> 00:18:49,211 You know what happens when you call me tetchy. 251 00:18:50,660 --> 00:18:55,416 Oh, no! Oh no, didn't I tell you? Didn't I warn you what would happen? 252 00:18:56,540 --> 00:18:57,408 - No. - Yes. 253 00:18:57,432 --> 00:18:58,676 - No! - I'm putting it on. 254 00:18:58,700 --> 00:19:00,156 - Don't put it on. - I'm putting it on. 255 00:19:00,180 --> 00:19:01,236 - He's putting it on. - Here I go. 256 00:19:01,260 --> 00:19:04,412 - There he goes. - Kryten, if you put that on, I'm not gonna help you out. I'm not helping you again. 257 00:19:04,580 --> 00:19:07,140 - Not this time. - You think I need your help? 258 00:19:07,300 --> 00:19:11,612 You think I can't extract my own head from the waste disposal unit? 259 00:19:11,980 --> 00:19:14,676 It won't be the waste disposal, Frankenstein. 260 00:19:14,700 --> 00:19:17,089 This time, I'm gonna unscrew your neck-bolts and microwave your head. 261 00:19:17,300 --> 00:19:20,531 Frankenstein was the creator, not the monster. 262 00:19:20,700 --> 00:19:24,170 It's a common misconception, held by all truly stupid people. 263 00:19:24,380 --> 00:19:26,894 Don't correct me. You know how much I hate being corrected. 264 00:19:27,060 --> 00:19:31,179 - It really gets my feckles up. - It's "hackles", you moron. It really gets your hackles up. 265 00:19:31,340 --> 00:19:34,651 - There's no such word as "feckles". - Feckles, heckles, hackles, schmeckles. 266 00:19:34,820 --> 00:19:37,209 Whatever the hell they are, they're up right now, and pointing at you, buddy! 267 00:19:37,380 --> 00:19:38,443 - Yeah? - Yeah! 268 00:19:38,467 --> 00:19:43,580 Guys! Guys! Look at us, what's happened to us? Five days on a sprout diet 269 00:19:43,740 --> 00:19:48,530 with a wallpapering video and a crochet magazine and we've all turned into crazies. 270 00:19:49,180 --> 00:19:51,649 Just don't call me tetchy, and don't blow your nose. 271 00:19:51,820 --> 00:19:53,970 - And don't play that video, and don't correct me. - OK. 272 00:19:54,180 --> 00:19:57,218 - OK. - OK. We're going to get through this. 273 00:19:57,380 --> 00:20:00,372 (BOTH) Don't say we're going to get through this! 274 00:20:00,580 --> 00:20:03,538 That stupid chirpy optimism. That inane winsome grin. 275 00:20:03,740 --> 00:20:08,689 This is insane! We've been here five days. 276 00:20:08,860 --> 00:20:13,331 - There's no sign of any virus. We're clean. - That's it! Five days. We've got him. 277 00:20:13,500 --> 00:20:16,970 Space Corps Directive 699, We can demand a rescreening. 278 00:20:17,180 --> 00:20:18,317 He'll refuse. 279 00:20:18,341 --> 00:20:21,777 He can't. He's playing it by the book. We've nailed him... 280 00:20:21,940 --> 00:20:25,615 (RIMMER, IMPASSIVELY) Gentlemen... your conversation makes interesting listening. 281 00:20:25,780 --> 00:20:28,169 - Rimmer, is that you? - Oh, yes. 282 00:20:29,420 --> 00:20:33,857 - How long have you been listening? - Two, maybe three hours. 283 00:20:34,820 --> 00:20:37,289 - Well, no one's got any disease, man. - We're clean. 284 00:20:37,460 --> 00:20:40,657 You have to re-screen us, sir, as per Directive 699. 285 00:20:40,820 --> 00:20:44,700 No one's got any virus and no one's smeggin' nuts. 286 00:20:44,900 --> 00:20:47,016 Well, that's good. 287 00:20:48,500 --> 00:20:52,892 - Is something amiss? - Amiss? God no, what could possibly be amiss? 288 00:20:53,100 --> 00:20:55,216 You don't think there's anything amiss? 289 00:20:55,380 --> 00:20:59,214 I'm sitting here wearing a red and white checked gingham dress... 290 00:20:59,380 --> 00:21:03,010 and army boots... and you think that's un-amiss? 291 00:21:03,220 --> 00:21:07,293 No, of course not. It's just we'd thought you'd gone nuts. We were trying to humour you. 292 00:21:07,460 --> 00:21:13,650 I was just doing a little test. A little test to see if you had gone crazy. 293 00:21:13,820 --> 00:21:16,494 (HOWLS INSANELY) 294 00:21:16,700 --> 00:21:20,978 If there is one thing I can't stand... it's crazy people. 295 00:21:22,380 --> 00:21:25,850 Well, we've passed the test, Rimmer. You can... let us out. 296 00:21:26,060 --> 00:21:28,176 - I can't let you out. - Why not? 297 00:21:28,380 --> 00:21:32,260 Because the King of the Potato People won't let me. 298 00:21:33,740 --> 00:21:38,291 I begged him. I got down on my knees and wept. 299 00:21:39,900 --> 00:21:41,971 He wants to keep you here... 300 00:21:43,060 --> 00:21:45,210 ...keep you here for ten years. 301 00:21:45,380 --> 00:21:47,371 Could we see him? 302 00:21:48,380 --> 00:21:50,212 - See who? - The King. 303 00:21:50,860 --> 00:21:55,775 - Do you have a magic carpet? - Yeah, a little three-seater. 304 00:21:56,460 --> 00:21:58,849 So, let me get this straight. 305 00:21:59,020 --> 00:22:03,059 You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the King of the Potato People... 306 00:22:05,060 --> 00:22:09,975 ...and plead with him for your freedom, and you're telling me you're completely sane? 307 00:22:10,180 --> 00:22:16,370 I think that warrants two hours... of W.O.O. 308 00:22:16,580 --> 00:22:19,936 - What's W.O.O.? - You had to ask. 309 00:22:20,580 --> 00:22:23,299 With... out... oxygen. 310 00:22:25,100 --> 00:22:27,614 No oxygen for two hours. 311 00:22:27,780 --> 00:22:30,579 That'll teach you to be bread baskets. 312 00:22:32,060 --> 00:22:37,214 - What do we do? - I think our only hope's the Potato King. 313 00:22:37,380 --> 00:22:41,931 - How the hell did he get the holo-virus? - It can be transmitted over radio waves. 314 00:22:42,100 --> 00:22:45,013 He must have spoken to Lanstrom at some point. 315 00:22:45,220 --> 00:22:49,578 I predict we have at least seven minutes before the air in here becomes unbreathable. 316 00:22:49,780 --> 00:22:52,533 - We gotta get out of here somehow. - It's impossible. 317 00:22:52,700 --> 00:22:57,615 That's the whole point of quarantine. Nothing gets out. Nothing gets in. 318 00:22:57,780 --> 00:23:00,579 Not even a microbe. 319 00:23:00,980 --> 00:23:03,972 Kryten, any chance of you cracking the code on the door lock? 320 00:23:04,180 --> 00:23:08,811 The chances of punching in the correct combination are literally billions to one. 321 00:23:09,020 --> 00:23:10,693 - Unless... - Of course! 322 00:23:10,900 --> 00:23:12,971 The luck virus! 323 00:23:13,660 --> 00:23:16,528 You really think that that stuff can get us out of here? 324 00:23:16,552 --> 00:23:22,489 If I give Mr Lister a suitably large dose, he will temporarily become the luckiest human being who ever lived. 325 00:23:24,620 --> 00:23:28,978 - OK then, what do I do? - Well, you just press in whatever numbers you think are best. 326 00:23:29,180 --> 00:23:30,693 OK. 327 00:23:35,060 --> 00:23:37,256 Last digit, sir. 328 00:23:42,700 --> 00:23:43,547 So what now? 329 00:23:43,571 --> 00:23:47,470 We head for the hologram projection suite, before Mr Rimmer... 330 00:23:47,494 --> 00:23:49,099 Before Mr Rimmer what? 331 00:23:51,780 --> 00:23:54,659 They've been naughty boys, haven't they, Mr Flibble? 332 00:23:56,020 --> 00:23:57,693 (CROAKS) Yes. 333 00:23:57,860 --> 00:24:01,296 What happens to naughty boys who've been naughty, Mr Flibble? 334 00:24:01,460 --> 00:24:05,419 Uncle Arnie fries them alive with his hex vision. 335 00:24:05,580 --> 00:24:08,174 That's right, Mr Flibble. 336 00:24:14,740 --> 00:24:16,731 This way! 337 00:24:18,700 --> 00:24:21,135 The holo-virus is in its secondary stage. 338 00:24:21,300 --> 00:24:25,533 - Mr Rimmer can't have long to live. - What is he capable of? 339 00:24:25,740 --> 00:24:28,459 Well, we've seen hex vision. Almost certainly like Lanstrom, 340 00:24:28,620 --> 00:24:31,976 he'll be capable of telepathy, and possibly even telekinesis. 341 00:24:32,140 --> 00:24:34,177 Telekiny-what-a noose?? 342 00:24:36,460 --> 00:24:40,897 The ability to move objects purely by the power of the mind. 343 00:24:44,780 --> 00:24:46,354 Kryten, man, are you OK? 344 00:24:46,378 --> 00:24:50,332 I have a medium-sized fireaxe buried in my spinal column 345 00:24:50,500 --> 00:24:52,810 That sort of thing can really put a crimp on your day. 346 00:24:54,380 --> 00:24:56,769 (WHIRRS AND GRINDS) 347 00:24:58,100 --> 00:25:00,330 (SPLUTTERS) 348 00:25:00,500 --> 00:25:02,855 Two and one-half badgers, please! 349 00:25:04,260 --> 00:25:09,175 - (CRACK) - No, I'll eat them here. (SQUAWKS) 350 00:25:11,780 --> 00:25:13,771 Ah, that's better. Maybe now I can... 351 00:25:13,940 --> 00:25:16,773 win self-determination for the South Moldavian people! 352 00:25:16,940 --> 00:25:19,454 (BURBLES INCOHERENTLY) 353 00:25:22,340 --> 00:25:24,900 Ah, I think I'm OK now. 354 00:25:33,020 --> 00:25:35,216 Mr Flibble's very cross. 355 00:25:36,380 --> 00:25:39,611 You shouldn't have ran away from him. 356 00:25:39,780 --> 00:25:43,614 What are we going to do with them, Mr Flibble? 357 00:25:48,500 --> 00:25:51,060 We can't possibly do that. 358 00:25:52,700 --> 00:25:55,010 Who'd clear up the mess? 359 00:25:56,940 --> 00:25:59,693 - We need to use your luck, sir. - How? 360 00:25:59,860 --> 00:26:04,138 What we really need is some kind of remote link to the hologram disk projection system. 361 00:26:04,300 --> 00:26:07,418 - Like this one? - What a stroke of luck. 362 00:26:07,580 --> 00:26:10,333 Now all we need is a detachable power transfer adapter 363 00:26:10,500 --> 00:26:13,413 capable of holding spikes of up to five million volts. 364 00:26:13,580 --> 00:26:15,571 What's this? 365 00:26:16,540 --> 00:26:21,410 Extraordinary. Now all we need is a B47/7RF resistor. 366 00:26:24,340 --> 00:26:26,331 Look out! 367 00:26:32,380 --> 00:26:34,371 Mr Flibble says... 368 00:26:34,540 --> 00:26:36,770 Game over, boys. 369 00:26:39,060 --> 00:26:43,293 (SHRILL VIBRATING HUM) 370 00:26:59,140 --> 00:27:01,456 I think he's going to be OK, sir. 371 00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:05,614 He's gonna be OK? The luck virus must have worn off. 372 00:27:08,140 --> 00:27:10,177 (LISTER) Rimmer? You OK? 373 00:27:11,380 --> 00:27:14,293 - What happened to me? Where am I? - (CAT) Quarantine. 374 00:27:18,980 --> 00:27:22,610 - But don't worry... - We're here to entertain you! 375 00:27:22,780 --> 00:27:24,771 (SQUAWKS) 376 00:27:29,100 --> 00:27:32,411 # It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere 377 00:27:32,580 --> 00:27:35,857 # I'm all alone, more or less 378 00:27:36,020 --> 00:27:39,138 # Let me fly far away from here 379 00:27:39,300 --> 00:27:41,974 # Fun, fun, fun 380 00:27:42,140 --> 00:27:45,656 # In the sun, sun, sun 381 00:27:45,820 --> 00:27:49,176 # I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose 382 00:27:49,340 --> 00:27:52,458 # Drinking fresh mango juice 383 00:27:52,620 --> 00:27:55,817 # Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes 384 00:27:55,980 --> 00:27:58,620 # Fun, fun, fun 385 00:27:58,780 --> 00:28:02,614 # In the sun, sun, sun 386 00:28:02,780 --> 00:28:05,420 # Fun, fun, fun 387 00:28:05,580 --> 00:28:09,813 # In the sun, sun, sun #