1 00:00:03,280 --> 00:00:05,749 ("RED DWARF" THEME) 2 00:00:53,061 --> 00:00:57,976 (KRYTEN ON RADIO) Mr Rimmer, sir, we've located the black box terminal. You should be getting something now. 3 00:00:58,181 --> 00:01:03,654 Confirmed. Ident details - SSS Esperanto. Ocean seeding ship. 4 00:01:03,821 --> 00:01:07,496 Mission to introduce oceanic life to potential S3 planets. 5 00:01:07,661 --> 00:01:11,177 This was a recon trip. A three-year check, strictly routine, 6 00:01:11,341 --> 00:01:14,299 to make sure the amino acid chain had taken. 7 00:01:14,501 --> 00:01:18,972 (RIMMER) They'd been trying out some new enhancement technique to accelerate the evolutionary process. 8 00:01:19,141 --> 00:01:21,815 Topped even their best projections. 9 00:01:22,021 --> 00:01:26,174 They got five million years of evolution in three solar years. 10 00:01:26,381 --> 00:01:28,691 - (WHISTLES, IMPRESSED) - So what happened? 11 00:01:29,501 --> 00:01:34,735 Final entry - routine stuff. They spent the day cataloguing and indexing new life forms. 12 00:01:34,901 --> 00:01:37,495 - Then it stops. - The question which occurs: 13 00:01:37,661 --> 00:01:41,700 If this ocean is supposed to be teeming with new lifeforms, where are they all? 14 00:01:41,901 --> 00:01:44,541 - What are you implying, Kryten? - No implication intended, sir. 15 00:01:44,741 --> 00:01:48,257 Yes, there is. You're saying there's some huge damn fish out there, aren't you? 16 00:01:48,421 --> 00:01:54,497 Some kind of gigantic, weird pre-historic Leviathan who's porked its way through this entire ocean. 17 00:01:54,701 --> 00:01:57,420 - That is one option. - Any alternatives? 18 00:01:57,621 --> 00:02:00,739 - None that occur. - Hey, wait a minute. I've got it. 19 00:02:00,901 --> 00:02:04,940 - Don't fish swim south for the winter? - No, that's birds, sir. 20 00:02:05,141 --> 00:02:09,214 Birds swim south for the winter? How do they breathe? 21 00:02:11,181 --> 00:02:12,615 Guys. 22 00:02:12,781 --> 00:02:15,136 Rimmer, you getting this? 23 00:02:15,341 --> 00:02:17,696 Got it. It looks like Norman Bates's mum. 24 00:02:20,061 --> 00:02:22,371 Human, male, Caucasian. 25 00:02:22,541 --> 00:02:28,059 Cause of death - gunshot wound to the head. From the entry and exit wounds, most likely self-inflicted. 26 00:02:28,221 --> 00:02:30,019 (CAT) Here's another one! 27 00:02:31,621 --> 00:02:35,296 - Two suicides? - (CAT) There's more! 28 00:02:37,341 --> 00:02:40,493 Oh, male. Oriental. Clearly, he committed seppuku. 29 00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:43,301 Hey! Look what I found. 30 00:02:43,501 --> 00:02:45,936 Species - unknown. Similar to Earth haddock. 31 00:02:46,101 --> 00:02:48,980 Cause of death - suffocation. What? 32 00:02:49,141 --> 00:02:52,338 - (RIMMER) What is it? - This fish suffocated in water. 33 00:02:52,501 --> 00:02:54,651 It voluntarily closed its own gills. 34 00:02:54,861 --> 00:02:57,250 Are you saying this haddock committed suicide? 35 00:02:58,061 --> 00:03:00,098 I'm merely stating the known facts. 36 00:03:00,261 --> 00:03:05,540 This fish relinquished its life of its own free will. Damn fool! 37 00:03:06,581 --> 00:03:09,334 Why would a haddock kill itself? 38 00:03:09,501 --> 00:03:12,300 Why am I even asking that question? 39 00:03:12,501 --> 00:03:14,856 Hold on. Hang five, guys. I'm getting something. 40 00:03:15,021 --> 00:03:17,615 He committed suicide, he committed suicide, 41 00:03:17,781 --> 00:03:20,933 he committed suicide and the fish committed suicide. 42 00:03:21,101 --> 00:03:24,219 There's some kind of link here that I can't quite put my finger on. 43 00:03:24,421 --> 00:03:27,812 Hang on a minute, guys. Check this. 44 00:03:31,301 --> 00:03:33,656 - (MACHINE BLEEPS) - It's an unknown compound. 45 00:03:33,821 --> 00:03:38,054 Best guess, some sort of hallucinogenic venom secreted by a piscine source, 46 00:03:38,221 --> 00:03:41,179 not unlike the Earth octopus or giant squid. 47 00:03:41,341 --> 00:03:45,221 - This is octopus ink? - I'm just completing a chemical analysis. 48 00:03:45,381 --> 00:03:46,780 - Oh. Er... - What? 49 00:03:46,981 --> 00:03:49,131 - (KRYTEN) Come on, sir. We have to go. - What's happening? 50 00:03:49,861 --> 00:03:52,740 - We have to go! - Kryten, what's going on? 51 00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:56,172 - Entering air lock. - Repressurising now. 52 00:03:56,341 --> 00:04:00,539 Some kind of sea creature, a life form we've never encountered before, attacked this ship. 53 00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:04,939 Its defence mechanism is a curious one. It secretes a venom, a poison, 54 00:04:05,101 --> 00:04:09,413 possibly even an hallucinogenic, which disfunctions its prey by inducing despair. 55 00:04:09,621 --> 00:04:12,932 That's why the crew members and even that fish had committed suicide. 56 00:04:13,141 --> 00:04:15,701 Unfortunately, we have been contaminated. 57 00:04:15,861 --> 00:04:20,731 It's a greatly reduced dose but we may experience (SOBS) moments... 58 00:04:20,901 --> 00:04:23,211 ..of despair and anguish. 59 00:04:23,381 --> 00:04:25,372 What about Lister and the Cat? 60 00:04:25,541 --> 00:04:28,659 I'm OK. I don't seem to be affected. 61 00:04:28,821 --> 00:04:32,780 It's true, I don't think anyone's loved me in my entire life, 62 00:04:32,941 --> 00:04:35,012 but there's nothing new about that. 63 00:04:35,181 --> 00:04:39,300 What's gotten into you, guys? It's like Saturday night at The Wailing Wall. 64 00:04:39,461 --> 00:04:42,214 Why is it always me that has to be the strong one? 65 00:04:42,381 --> 00:04:45,214 (SOBS) Without me, you guys would just fall apart. 66 00:04:45,381 --> 00:04:50,217 We should get back as soon as we can and take a mood stabiliser. I suggest lithium carbonate. 67 00:04:52,341 --> 00:04:55,618 (RIMMER) I know, emotionally, this isn't the news you want to hear right now, 68 00:04:55,781 --> 00:05:02,255 but there's a blob on the sonar scope the size of New Mexico and it's heading your way. 69 00:05:02,461 --> 00:05:06,136 I think our friend the Suicide Squid is about to make an appearance. 70 00:05:06,341 --> 00:05:10,494 - (KRYTEN) Where is it precisely? - Directly above you, about 2,000 fathoms and diving. 71 00:05:10,701 --> 00:05:15,059 (LISTER, SOBBING) Oh, thanks a lot, Rimmer. You know the state we're in, you have to go and give us news like that? 72 00:05:15,261 --> 00:05:19,971 - You couldn't have lied? - I was lying. It's only 1,000 fathoms. 73 00:05:21,301 --> 00:05:23,577 (KRYTEN) We're entering Starbug's airlock now. 74 00:05:24,061 --> 00:05:26,701 (SONAR PINGS) 75 00:05:29,301 --> 00:05:31,292 What's it doing? 76 00:05:31,461 --> 00:05:35,056 It's trying to work out what we are. Cut the power. 77 00:05:35,621 --> 00:05:37,771 This venom, are we safe in here? 78 00:05:37,981 --> 00:05:41,576 It penetrated the hull of a Class D Space Corps Seeding Ship. 79 00:05:41,741 --> 00:05:43,812 In comparison, we're a sardine tin. 80 00:05:44,021 --> 00:05:45,500 - It's moving. - Where? 81 00:05:45,701 --> 00:05:47,419 - Down. - Speed? 82 00:05:47,621 --> 00:05:49,931 - 15 knots... 16... 18... - It's diving. 83 00:05:50,141 --> 00:05:51,734 - Course? - Collision. 84 00:05:51,941 --> 00:05:55,172 - Do we move or stay? - 25 knots... 35... 50... 85 00:05:55,381 --> 00:05:56,478 It's coming straight for us. 86 00:05:56,502 --> 00:05:59,818 There's only three alternatives, it thinks we're either a threat, food or a mate. 87 00:06:00,021 --> 00:06:02,740 It's gonna either kill us, eat us or hump us. 88 00:06:02,901 --> 00:06:07,293 We either persuade him that we're not that kind of oceanic salvage vessel or we scarper pronto. 89 00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:10,937 To be diddled by a giant squid on a first date? Think how we'd feel in the morning. 90 00:06:11,541 --> 00:06:16,490 OK, we're going to try and outrun it. Holly, hit the power and give me manual. 91 00:06:17,821 --> 00:06:20,256 (ENGINES BLAST) 92 00:06:23,781 --> 00:06:27,251 Change bearing, one zero five. There's some natural caverns about three klicks away. 93 00:06:27,421 --> 00:06:32,018 - It might give us some cover. - That's a yo, Holly. New course set. 94 00:06:32,301 --> 00:06:35,532 (RUMBLING AND ROARING) 95 00:06:38,301 --> 00:06:40,941 - It's hit us! - Look out! 96 00:06:58,421 --> 00:07:04,212 (COMPUTER) For the last four years. You have been engaged in the Total Immersion Video Game "Red Dwarf" 97 00:07:04,701 --> 00:07:06,692 As with all role-playing adventures, 98 00:07:06,861 --> 00:07:11,139 you will experience a certain amount of disorientation on leaving the game. 99 00:07:11,301 --> 00:07:15,738 It will be several minutes before your real-life memories return. 100 00:07:15,901 --> 00:07:20,259 So, in the meantime, please disengage the game-playing machinery and relax 101 00:07:20,421 --> 00:07:24,016 until an attendant is free to answer any of your questions. 102 00:07:24,181 --> 00:07:30,655 On behalf of Leisure World International, may we be the first to say welcome back to reality. 103 00:07:37,261 --> 00:07:41,050 This is a very, very bad dream, right? 104 00:07:45,981 --> 00:07:48,894 - I'm not a hologram. - I'm half human. 105 00:07:49,101 --> 00:07:52,253 What the hell's happened to my teeth?! 106 00:07:57,021 --> 00:07:59,854 I can open beer bottles with my overbite. 107 00:08:00,781 --> 00:08:03,136 (MIDLANDS ACCENT) All right lads. How you feeling? 108 00:08:03,301 --> 00:08:08,296 Bit wonky? it's perfectly normal. You'll be as right as rain in 20 minutes. 109 00:08:08,461 --> 00:08:13,376 So, if you could just move through to the recuperation lounge, I can get things ready for the next lot. 110 00:08:13,581 --> 00:08:16,095 - The next lot? - Yeah, it's a very popular game is Red Dwarf. 111 00:08:16,301 --> 00:08:19,498 It's got a two-year waiting list. We've only got 20 machines. 112 00:08:19,701 --> 00:08:23,331 - So, how'd you get killed, then? - Some kind of squid. 113 00:08:23,501 --> 00:08:26,095 The Despair Squid? There's no way that should have killed you. 114 00:08:26,261 --> 00:08:28,571 Why didn't you use the laser cannons? It's obvious! 115 00:08:28,781 --> 00:08:32,490 Starbug doesn't - didn't - have a laser cannon capability. 116 00:08:32,701 --> 00:08:37,093 You twonk! You use the laser cannons on the crashed wotsit... Esperanto. 117 00:08:37,261 --> 00:08:38,951 That's how you get out of it. 118 00:08:38,975 --> 00:08:42,131 How were we supposed to know that, you Brummie git? 119 00:08:42,301 --> 00:08:44,372 Esperanto. That's a clue, isn't it? 120 00:08:44,541 --> 00:08:48,774 Esperanto - hope. Hope defeats despair, the Despair Squid. 121 00:08:48,941 --> 00:08:51,455 It's a blatant clue, innit? Blatant. 122 00:08:51,621 --> 00:08:54,693 Bloomin' heck, if you didn't get that, you must have been playing like puddings! 123 00:08:54,861 --> 00:08:57,216 Which one was playing Lister, then? 124 00:08:57,381 --> 00:08:59,975 - Me. - Did you get Kochanski? 125 00:09:00,861 --> 00:09:02,977 Was I supposed to? 126 00:09:03,141 --> 00:09:07,260 Supposed to? That's the objective of the game for Lister, you twonk. 127 00:09:07,421 --> 00:09:13,053 You get separated to begin with. Then basically, it's a love story across time, space, death and reality. 128 00:09:13,221 --> 00:09:18,170 You must have got the easy stuff, though. 'Ere, what did you think about the planet of the nymphomaniacs? 129 00:09:18,381 --> 00:09:22,739 - The planet of the what?! - What? You missed that? Oh! That's a riot, that is. 130 00:09:22,901 --> 00:09:25,211 Some people spend years on that. 131 00:09:25,381 --> 00:09:27,372 Which one was Rimmer? 132 00:09:27,541 --> 00:09:29,737 - Me. - Oh, he's amazing, ain't he? 133 00:09:29,941 --> 00:09:32,740 - You can say that again. - How long did it take for you to sus him out, then? 134 00:09:32,941 --> 00:09:36,571 - I had him sussed right from the beginning. - What, really? 135 00:09:36,741 --> 00:09:39,733 You found the Captain's message right away? 136 00:09:41,501 --> 00:09:42,758 What Captain's message? 137 00:09:42,782 --> 00:09:46,577 The one that's hidden in the microdot in the 'i' in Rimmer's swimming certificate. 138 00:09:46,741 --> 00:09:50,700 That's the clue, isn't it? - Rimmer having a swimming certificate and not being able to swim. 139 00:09:50,901 --> 00:09:55,179 - That's a clue? - It's a blatant clue, isn't it?! 140 00:09:55,381 --> 00:09:59,056 - A blatant clue to what? - A blatant clue to the truth behind Rimmer. 141 00:09:59,261 --> 00:10:03,095 - What truth? - The truth to why he's such an insufferable prat. 142 00:10:03,301 --> 00:10:06,737 That's because of his parents, his upbringing, his background. The fact he was never loved. 143 00:10:06,941 --> 00:10:09,012 - No, no, no. - Yes, yes, yes. 144 00:10:09,221 --> 00:10:10,894 - No, no, no. - Yes, yes, yes. 145 00:10:11,101 --> 00:10:12,694 No! 146 00:10:13,301 --> 00:10:17,693 - What. Was it. Then? - He was a hand-picked special agent for the Space Corps. 147 00:10:17,861 --> 00:10:21,437 He had his memory erased and was programmed to act like a complete twonk. 148 00:10:21,461 --> 00:10:27,540 So no-one would suspect he was on a secret mission to destroy Red Dwarf, in order to guide Lister to his destiny as creator of the Second Universe. 149 00:10:27,741 --> 00:10:29,732 - You what?! - Yeah. 150 00:10:29,901 --> 00:10:34,657 You know that bit when Lister jump-starts the Second Big Bang with jump leads from Starbug? 151 00:10:34,861 --> 00:10:37,694 Jump starts the Second Big Bang?! 152 00:10:37,901 --> 00:10:43,499 Well, that's the final irony isn't it? Lister, the ultimate atheist, turns out, in fact, to be God. 153 00:10:44,181 --> 00:10:44,997 You what?! 154 00:10:45,021 --> 00:10:47,492 It was all in the Captain's message. It was all in the microdot. 155 00:10:48,101 --> 00:10:50,615 Ey, hang on a minute. Are you...? 156 00:10:50,781 --> 00:10:56,971 Are you seriously telling me you were playing the prat version of Rimmer for all this time! For four years?! 157 00:10:57,141 --> 00:11:00,452 Oh-ho! Whoa, that's a classic, that is. That's a classic. 158 00:11:01,421 --> 00:11:03,731 All right, lads. Which one's Lister? 159 00:11:04,461 --> 00:11:09,092 Right. Got your food bag, bio-feedback, catheter... It's all there. 160 00:11:09,261 --> 00:11:11,457 You can start plugging yourself in. 161 00:11:11,621 --> 00:11:14,852 Here, whatever you do, don't confuse the food pipe up with the catheter, will you? 162 00:11:15,021 --> 00:11:20,255 Some bloke did that, we didn't spot it for two days. OK, Kryten. In you go, son. 163 00:11:20,461 --> 00:11:24,170 OK, Cat, Rimmer... Give us a bit of room here will you, please, chaps? 164 00:11:24,381 --> 00:11:27,851 Well, where do we go? We don't know who we are. Our memories haven't returned yet. 165 00:11:28,061 --> 00:11:32,020 The re-cup-er-a-tion lounge. I keep telling you! 166 00:11:32,221 --> 00:11:35,737 Blimey! No wonder you only scored four percent. 167 00:11:35,941 --> 00:11:38,251 Cor! What a bunch of twonks. 168 00:11:42,821 --> 00:11:46,530 I'm not Lister, then. I'm not me, am I? 169 00:11:46,741 --> 00:11:49,813 None of us are who we thought we were, sir. This is going to take some getting used to. 170 00:11:50,021 --> 00:11:52,137 - I'm not Rimmer, then? - No. 171 00:11:53,141 --> 00:11:55,530 I'm not a hologram. I'm not Rimmer. 172 00:11:55,741 --> 00:11:58,972 Well, if we're not who we thought we were, who the hell are we? 173 00:11:59,181 --> 00:12:03,698 The kind of sad acts who wanna spend four years playing a computer game. 174 00:12:03,861 --> 00:12:08,571 Either running away from God knows what or we've got nothing worth living for in the first place. 175 00:12:08,781 --> 00:12:11,978 - Is there a Duane Dibbley here? - Pardon? 176 00:12:12,181 --> 00:12:14,218 - Duane Dibbley? - No, sorry. 177 00:12:14,421 --> 00:12:19,018 Wait a minute. How do you know there's no one called Duane Dibbley in here? It could be you. 178 00:12:19,221 --> 00:12:24,580 No, this is right. Dibbley, this is the Dibbley party. Which one's Duane Dibbley? 179 00:12:30,941 --> 00:12:35,777 No. No, no, please, no! I don't want to be Duane Dibbley. 180 00:12:35,981 --> 00:12:40,896 It's you. Here are your party's clothes and possessions. The medical officer will be down in 20 minutes. 181 00:12:41,101 --> 00:12:43,661 Duane Dibbley? How can I be called Duane Dibbley? 182 00:12:43,821 --> 00:12:47,940 It's true. It's got your photograph, name, address on it and everything. 183 00:12:48,821 --> 00:12:50,812 There's an anorak in here! 184 00:12:53,221 --> 00:12:56,213 White socks... nylon shirt... 185 00:12:56,381 --> 00:13:01,091 plastic sandals... Aertex vest... 186 00:13:01,301 --> 00:13:06,330 cardigan... oh, and a key to the Salvation Army hostel. 187 00:13:08,141 --> 00:13:10,132 It doesn't make sense. 188 00:13:10,301 --> 00:13:13,976 I'm sorry, but I'm afraid it makes perfect sense... 189 00:13:14,141 --> 00:13:15,495 Duane! 190 00:13:16,661 --> 00:13:20,131 Imagine a guy with no élan, no style - a misfit. 191 00:13:20,301 --> 00:13:23,147 Doesn't it just make total sense that this hapless creature 192 00:13:23,171 --> 00:13:26,855 would give his buck teeth to play someone like the Cat in a computer game? 193 00:13:27,421 --> 00:13:29,856 So this is really me? 194 00:13:30,021 --> 00:13:35,334 A no-style gimbo with teeth the druids could use as a place of worship?! 195 00:13:35,541 --> 00:13:38,181 Kryten, open the next one. 196 00:13:38,861 --> 00:13:40,852 Listen, whoever you are, 197 00:13:41,021 --> 00:13:44,218 don't push your luck by ordering whoever I am around. 198 00:13:44,381 --> 00:13:46,102 Because almost certainly, whoever I am, 199 00:13:46,126 --> 00:13:49,535 I'm not the kind of guy who's going to take any crap from whoever you are. 200 00:13:49,741 --> 00:13:54,577 So before you start ordering me around, let's establish if I'm the kind of guy who doesn't mind being ordered around, 201 00:13:54,741 --> 00:13:59,656 or if I'm the kind of guy who gets all uptight being ordered around by whatever the kind of guy you are. Clear? 202 00:13:59,861 --> 00:14:02,250 All I said was, "Open the next one." 203 00:14:02,901 --> 00:14:05,973 - All right, this one's you. - Oh. Who am I? 204 00:14:07,021 --> 00:14:10,173 Wow! You're a detective 205 00:14:10,341 --> 00:14:13,333 in the Cybernautic Division of the police department. 206 00:14:13,541 --> 00:14:16,260 Oh... ha... Golly. Really? 207 00:14:16,461 --> 00:14:20,091 - Yeah. This is your badge. - A detective, huh? What's my name? 208 00:14:20,301 --> 00:14:22,815 Jake. Jake Bullet. 209 00:14:25,781 --> 00:14:30,651 Jake Bullet, Cybernautic Detective. I like that. 210 00:14:30,861 --> 00:14:33,614 That sounds like the kind of hard-living flatfoot 211 00:14:33,781 --> 00:14:37,058 who gets the job done by cutting corners and bucking authority. 212 00:14:37,261 --> 00:14:40,333 And if those pen-pushers up at City Hall don't like it, 213 00:14:40,501 --> 00:14:44,893 they can park their overpaid fat asses on this mid-digit 214 00:14:45,061 --> 00:14:50,340 and swivel, swivel till they squeal like pigs on a honeymoon! 215 00:14:51,381 --> 00:14:57,377 On the other hand, Mr Bullet, perhaps the Cybernautics Division is in charge of traffic control, 216 00:14:57,541 --> 00:15:00,135 and you just happen to have a rather silly macho name. 217 00:15:00,341 --> 00:15:03,936 Oh, yes. That's a good point, sir. I didn't think of that. 218 00:15:04,141 --> 00:15:06,132 Duane Dibbley? 219 00:15:07,741 --> 00:15:10,176 So, whoever you are, who's next? 220 00:15:10,341 --> 00:15:16,178 - I don't want to know. Someone else look. - Stand aside. Let the law handle this. 221 00:15:17,101 --> 00:15:21,379 Hmm... No photograph. Name - Billy Doyle. 222 00:15:22,141 --> 00:15:25,338 Not necessarily. It's not necessarily me. 223 00:15:25,501 --> 00:15:29,381 Billy Doyle. Well, that's a name that came from the wrong side of the tracks, isn't it? 224 00:15:29,541 --> 00:15:33,580 You can see it all now - a youth spent in and out of corrective institutions, 225 00:15:33,741 --> 00:15:35,732 a string of illegitimate children, 226 00:15:35,901 --> 00:15:39,781 the wife will be all white shoes, no tights and blotchy legs, 227 00:15:39,941 --> 00:15:43,218 has to take up petty crime to cover the court orders for maintenance. 228 00:15:43,381 --> 00:15:46,976 Before he knows it, he's standing in a bank with a sawn-off shotgun. 229 00:15:47,141 --> 00:15:52,932 Somehow it goes off. An old lady gets both barrels through a crocheted bobble hat. 230 00:15:53,101 --> 00:15:57,095 All he can do is hide. But where? And then it hits him. 231 00:15:57,261 --> 00:16:02,700 With his ill-gotten gains he can buy four years in a computer game, and wait 'til the heat's off. 232 00:16:02,861 --> 00:16:06,138 So ends the ballad of Billy "Granny Killer" Doyle. 233 00:16:07,541 --> 00:16:09,657 It's yours. 234 00:16:09,821 --> 00:16:13,451 - What? - It's yours... Bill. 235 00:16:13,661 --> 00:16:17,894 - No. - Check the ugly mug on the ID, then, man. 236 00:16:18,061 --> 00:16:20,052 "William Doyle". 237 00:16:20,221 --> 00:16:24,135 William Doyle. Good ol Bill Doyle. 238 00:16:24,301 --> 00:16:27,532 You know that sounds like a hell of a good name to me. 239 00:16:27,701 --> 00:16:32,298 Probably connected with the Boston Doyles. Old money, blue-chip stock. 240 00:16:32,461 --> 00:16:34,657 You know, I think it's all coming back to me now. 241 00:16:35,741 --> 00:16:39,416 What puzzles me slightly is what a man of such undoubted good breeding 242 00:16:39,581 --> 00:16:43,102 would be doing wearing a coat that smells like an elderly male yak 243 00:16:43,126 --> 00:16:45,452 has taken a leak in both the pockets. 244 00:16:45,621 --> 00:16:48,261 - Well, isn't it obvious? - No, it isn't. 245 00:16:49,701 --> 00:16:55,413 Oh, my God. My name is Billy Doyle and my cologne is Eau de Yak Urine. 246 00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:58,371 So who am I, then? 247 00:17:08,461 --> 00:17:11,021 Wow! Look at my gear! 248 00:17:12,421 --> 00:17:15,095 This stuffs really, really expensive. 249 00:17:15,301 --> 00:17:17,656 Are you quite absolutely sure this isn't my box? 250 00:17:17,861 --> 00:17:23,174 - Who are you? What do you do? - I work for some company - CGI. 251 00:17:23,341 --> 00:17:26,254 I've got a Limo in the long-term car park. 252 00:17:26,421 --> 00:17:30,858 Well clearly, you were privy to all the breaks and advantages that life denied poor old William Doyle here. 253 00:17:31,901 --> 00:17:37,579 Sir, I think you should take a look at this. William, meet your brother Sebastian. 254 00:17:40,461 --> 00:17:45,217 Well, half-brothers. Uterinal - same mother. 255 00:17:47,181 --> 00:17:51,971 This is a crazy idea, we can't leave now. Our memories haven't returned yet. 256 00:17:52,141 --> 00:17:54,358 We've got to find out more about ourselves. 257 00:17:54,382 --> 00:17:58,296 I refuse to accept I'm his alky, dropout, yak-coat-wearing half-brother. 258 00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:01,897 Duane Dibbley?! 259 00:18:07,221 --> 00:18:10,452 (DRIVING ROCK MUSIC) 260 00:18:13,941 --> 00:18:17,332 Are you crazy, Lister? Are you totally nuts? 261 00:18:17,501 --> 00:18:20,778 You risk your own neck and everyone else's just to save my life? 262 00:18:20,941 --> 00:18:23,979 - You do that again and I'll kill you. - Hey, Kochanski. 263 00:18:26,621 --> 00:18:28,737 Shut up. 264 00:18:43,261 --> 00:18:48,654 "Vote Fascist for a third glorious decade of total law enforcement"?! 265 00:18:48,821 --> 00:18:52,530 "Be a government informer. Betray your family and friends"? 266 00:18:52,701 --> 00:18:55,375 "Fabulous prizes to be won"?! 267 00:19:01,381 --> 00:19:03,372 Here it is. 268 00:19:08,221 --> 00:19:11,851 - This is your car? - Bay 47. 269 00:19:12,061 --> 00:19:15,577 Halt or I'll fire! Move, voters! 270 00:19:15,781 --> 00:19:20,491 Move one inch and I'll crush every bone in your body. 271 00:19:22,141 --> 00:19:25,418 You helped an enemy of democracy escape. 272 00:19:25,581 --> 00:19:28,414 She was stealing an apple of the people. 273 00:19:29,461 --> 00:19:32,977 - Bullet, Cybernautics. - That's traffic control. 274 00:19:36,141 --> 00:19:38,496 Kneel, voters. 275 00:19:38,661 --> 00:19:41,892 You are under sentence of death. 276 00:19:43,381 --> 00:19:45,975 Come out of the shadows, voter. 277 00:19:46,141 --> 00:19:49,497 What's the beef? Did she steal your lunch box? 278 00:19:49,661 --> 00:19:54,019 M-Many apologies, Voter Colonel. Had I known it was you, I... 279 00:19:57,421 --> 00:19:59,332 - Forgive me. - You know me? 280 00:19:59,541 --> 00:20:01,657 Of course, Voter Colonel. 281 00:20:01,861 --> 00:20:06,094 - Who am I? - You are Colonel Sebastian Doyle. 282 00:20:06,261 --> 00:20:10,858 Section chief of CGI. Head of the Ministry of Alteration. 283 00:20:11,061 --> 00:20:16,932 Remind me a little. What exactly do we do at the Ministry of Alteration? 284 00:20:17,141 --> 00:20:21,260 You... change people, Voter Colonel. 285 00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:26,419 - In what way? - You change them from being alive people 286 00:20:26,581 --> 00:20:29,972 to being dead people, to purify democracy. 287 00:20:30,181 --> 00:20:31,618 Purify? 288 00:20:31,642 --> 00:20:35,978 No one has done more to purge the ballot boxes than the Voter Colonel. 289 00:20:36,181 --> 00:20:42,860 - So why has he been away for four years? - Excuse me, Voter Colonel, but is this some sort of test? 290 00:20:43,061 --> 00:20:44,859 Answer him. 291 00:20:45,861 --> 00:20:50,697 The rumour was that you had grown weary of your glorious duties 292 00:20:50,861 --> 00:20:56,300 and had gone away, in secret, to renew yourself. 293 00:20:59,421 --> 00:21:02,493 - Halt! - (GUNFIRE) 294 00:21:07,781 --> 00:21:09,931 I killed him. 295 00:21:12,741 --> 00:21:14,857 Lets get out of here! In the car! 296 00:21:15,061 --> 00:21:17,337 - Get in the car! - I killed him! 297 00:21:17,501 --> 00:21:19,492 We haven't got time for that, Kryten! In the car! 298 00:21:19,701 --> 00:21:22,898 - I killed a human! - In the car! 299 00:21:25,781 --> 00:21:28,170 Look out! Fascist cops by the lift, and they're armed! 300 00:21:29,021 --> 00:21:30,694 You're hit! 301 00:21:30,901 --> 00:21:34,781 (HOLLY) Hello. For the 3,000th time, you're hallucinating. Can anyone hear me? 302 00:21:34,941 --> 00:21:36,932 Uh-oh! Speed bumps! 303 00:21:41,621 --> 00:21:43,419 Chicane! 304 00:21:46,821 --> 00:21:48,812 Look out. The barrier. 305 00:21:49,061 --> 00:21:51,416 Brace yourselves! We're going through it! 306 00:21:54,821 --> 00:21:58,496 Motorcycles. Looks like they're carrying personal rocket launchers. 307 00:21:58,701 --> 00:22:01,534 - That bridge, think we can make it? - It's raising! 308 00:22:01,741 --> 00:22:04,893 - Got any better ideas? - Just do it! 309 00:22:06,661 --> 00:22:09,938 Whooooa! 310 00:22:12,981 --> 00:22:16,975 We made it! Nice driving! So long, suckers! 311 00:22:18,821 --> 00:22:21,381 Uh-oh! Helicopters. 312 00:22:22,781 --> 00:22:25,853 Oh, I'm going to have to dump the limo! 313 00:22:28,501 --> 00:22:31,334 OK! Come on! Go! Go! Go! 314 00:22:35,301 --> 00:22:37,690 Down that alley! 315 00:22:45,621 --> 00:22:48,420 I killed him. I killed a human. 316 00:22:49,581 --> 00:22:51,060 - (CLICKS) - Damn. 317 00:22:51,221 --> 00:22:52,509 What are you doing?! 318 00:22:52,533 --> 00:22:56,421 It is fundamental to me, never to take a life, no matter what the provocation. 319 00:22:56,581 --> 00:23:00,370 I could have stunned him. I killed him. I must terminate myself. 320 00:23:00,541 --> 00:23:05,411 This is a nightmare. I'm on the run from the fascist police with a murderer and a mass murderer 321 00:23:05,581 --> 00:23:07,970 and a man in a bri-nylon shirt. 322 00:23:08,141 --> 00:23:13,341 I'm just a flotsam-jetsam human-wreckage sputum-bag who smells like a yak latrine. 323 00:23:13,501 --> 00:23:18,701 Now my best flashing mac is about to get splattered with an android's brain. I'm after you with the gun. 324 00:23:18,861 --> 00:23:21,171 - Yeah, count me in too. - Ditto. 325 00:23:21,341 --> 00:23:23,617 But there's only one bullet left. 326 00:23:23,781 --> 00:23:28,776 We could all put our heads together and the bullet could go down the line. 327 00:23:28,981 --> 00:23:32,770 Kryten, I'm broadcasting on a higher frequency. Can you hear me now? 328 00:23:32,981 --> 00:23:37,214 - Did somebody say something? - You're hallucinating. Put the gun down. 329 00:23:37,421 --> 00:23:40,652 I think I'm going to put the gun down. 330 00:23:40,861 --> 00:23:46,539 - Walk forward three paces. - I think I'm going to walk forward three paces. 331 00:23:47,661 --> 00:23:49,507 Well, he's cracking up. 332 00:23:49,531 --> 00:23:55,091 I have a strange compulsion to pick up this fire extinguisher and twist the release wheel. 333 00:23:55,301 --> 00:23:57,451 Have you quite finished being strange? 334 00:24:00,101 --> 00:24:03,890 I'm sorry, sir. I don't know what came over me. 335 00:24:05,861 --> 00:24:08,091 - OK? - OK. 336 00:24:08,261 --> 00:24:10,537 (HOLLY) You're hallucinating. 337 00:24:10,741 --> 00:24:12,732 You're hallucinating. 338 00:24:12,901 --> 00:24:14,972 - What? - I thought you weren't going to make it. 339 00:24:15,181 --> 00:24:17,491 - Welcome back to reality! - What happened? 340 00:24:17,701 --> 00:24:21,854 You had a group hallucination, brought on by the ink from the Despair Squid. 341 00:24:22,021 --> 00:24:27,937 You were about to commit suicide just like the crew of the Esperanto, 'til the mood-stabiliser saved you. 342 00:24:28,101 --> 00:24:31,731 - The lithium carbonate. - What? We really would have killed ourselves? 343 00:24:31,901 --> 00:24:36,452 Of course. The hallucinations were designed to induce despair. 344 00:24:36,621 --> 00:24:41,741 To attack the very things we each consider quintessential to our self-esteem. 345 00:24:41,901 --> 00:24:46,498 Take Mr Rimmer. Back there, he could no longer blame his failings and shortcomings on his parents, 346 00:24:46,701 --> 00:24:50,820 because he shared an upbringing with you, sir, his richer, more important half-brother. 347 00:24:50,981 --> 00:24:54,497 The Cat lost his cool, and life for him no longer had any meaning 348 00:24:54,661 --> 00:24:56,891 because he is so mind-meltingly shallow. 349 00:24:57,101 --> 00:24:59,980 Right. Superficial is my middle name. 350 00:25:00,741 --> 00:25:05,815 And you, sir. You have always prided yourself on being a good man, a man of moral courage. 351 00:25:05,981 --> 00:25:10,896 So, when you thought you were a mass-murdering butcher in a totalitarian state? Despair. 352 00:25:11,061 --> 00:25:13,940 Despair destined to drive you over the edge. 353 00:25:14,821 --> 00:25:18,701 - And with you it was taking a human life. - Precisely. 354 00:25:18,901 --> 00:25:21,859 - I'm not Duane Dibbley? - No. 355 00:25:22,061 --> 00:25:24,052 I AM Rimmer? 356 00:25:24,221 --> 00:25:26,019 I'm afraid so. 357 00:25:26,981 --> 00:25:31,691 - So... what happened to the Despair Squid? - I took care of that. Limpet mines. 358 00:25:31,861 --> 00:25:34,740 There's enough fried calamari out there to feed the whole of Italy. 359 00:25:34,941 --> 00:25:38,377 - Well, I say let's get out of here. - (HOLLY) Flight coordinates programmed. 360 00:25:38,541 --> 00:25:40,976 Switching to pilot cooperation until we surface. 361 00:25:43,021 --> 00:25:48,300 Those planet engineers really screwed up in a big way here, didn't they? Playing God. 362 00:25:48,501 --> 00:25:54,099 The evolutionary process threw up a life form so much stronger and more deadly than any other species. 363 00:25:54,261 --> 00:25:57,014 Damn near wiped out everything on the entire planet. 364 00:25:57,181 --> 00:26:01,175 Spreading despair and destruction wherever it stuck its ugly mush. 365 00:26:01,381 --> 00:26:06,854 Hmm, sounds rather reminiscent of a species sitting not a million miles away from me now. 366 00:26:07,021 --> 00:26:09,012 (CHORTLES) 367 00:26:09,781 --> 00:26:13,615 You probably have to be a mechanoid to fully appreciate that one. 368 00:26:14,301 --> 00:26:17,100 Kryten, no one likes a smart alec android. 369 00:26:17,301 --> 00:26:19,531 Hit the retros. 370 00:26:19,701 --> 00:26:21,692 We're on our way, sir. 371 00:26:28,741 --> 00:26:32,177 # It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere 372 00:26:32,341 --> 00:26:35,652 # I'm all alone, more or less 373 00:26:35,821 --> 00:26:38,939 # Let me fly far away from here 374 00:26:39,101 --> 00:26:41,741 # Fun, fun, fun 375 00:26:41,901 --> 00:26:45,610 # In the sun, sun, sun 376 00:26:45,781 --> 00:26:49,058 # I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose 377 00:26:49,221 --> 00:26:52,339 # Drinking fresh mango juice 378 00:26:52,501 --> 00:26:55,698 # Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes 379 00:26:55,861 --> 00:26:58,580 # Fun, fun, fun 380 00:26:58,741 --> 00:27:02,291 # In the sun, sun, sun 381 00:27:02,461 --> 00:27:05,055 # Fun, fun, fun 382 00:27:05,381 --> 00:27:09,375 # In the sun, sun, sun #