1
00:00:02,040 --> 00:00:04,759
("RED DWARF" THEME)

2
00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:12,871
Ooh... Ooh...

3
00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:15,917
Ah. Aaah...

4
00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:39,150
Who the hell are you?

5
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:42,398
(WHISTLES CHEERFULLY)

6
00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:57,996
(CRUNCHING)

7
00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:16,710
Oh, welcome back on-line, sir.

8
00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:22,998
- How are you feeling?
- Not good. I don't know who I am.

9
00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:26,198
- Where is this place?
- Oh, you have a touch of amnesia.

10
00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:29,671
That's not uncommon after a
prolonged period in deep sleep.

11
00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:33,720
- You have been out for over 200 years.
- 200 years?!

12
00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:39,592
I tried to wake you up in the spring, but you
absolutely insisted on another three months.

13
00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:43,429
I've just been preparing your breakfast tray.

14
00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:47,554
These cornflakes have got
grated raw onions sprinkled on them.

15
00:02:47,720 --> 00:02:49,870
Well, that's how you like them, sir.

16
00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:53,271
Ugh! (SPITS) The orange juice is revolting!

17
00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:58,230
That's not orange juice, sir. That's your early
morning pick-me-up, chilled vindaloo sauce.

18
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:02,269
I drink cold curry sauce for breakfast?

19
00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:04,078
Well, it depends on your mood.

20
00:03:04,102 --> 00:03:08,920
If you wake up in the afternoon, you generally prefer
to start the day with a can of last night's flat lager.

21
00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:14,632
That's why you sleep with a tea strainer next to
your bed - so you can sieve out the cigar dimps.

22
00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:18,236
I drink and I smoke and I have
cold curry sauce for breakfast?

23
00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:21,870
I sound like some barely human
grossed-out slime-ball.

24
00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:24,993
Oh, it's all flooding back, is it, sir?

25
00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:27,674
No. None of it is.

26
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:31,117
Perhaps this will help.
Your personal artefacts.

27
00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:36,639
Kristine Kochanski. You dated her once for three
weeks before she discarded you for a catering officer.

28
00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:40,390
- She's beautiful.
- It's your ambition, sir, somehow some day,

29
00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:44,872
to win her back, and then lie on top of
her and move up and down rapidly

30
00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:48,590
in that curious way
that humans find so agreeable.

31
00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:51,354
Personally, I prefer partnership whist.

32
00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:56,752
What? I play guitar?

33
00:03:56,960 --> 00:04:00,112
Do I have a head like an amusing ice cube?

34
00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:06,551
Go ahead, chuck out a few power chords.
See if anything comes back.

35
00:04:06,760 --> 00:04:10,151
(OFF-KEY, AIMLESS STRUMMING)

36
00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:13,355
Yeah! The axe man is back!

37
00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:19,756
Don't patronise me. I can't play guitar.
Anyone with half an ear can tell that.

38
00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:21,911
Sir, as soon as your
personality is fully restored,

39
00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:27,200
you will firmly believe you can play 
the guitar like the ghost of Hendrix.

40
00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:33,349
Is there something good you can tell me
about myself? Something... laudable?

41
00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:37,150
Laudable... Hmm... You sometimes help me out
with my laundry duties

42
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:42,793
by turning your underpants inside out
and extending the wear time by three weeks.

43
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:48,029
I'm an animal. I'm a tasteless,
uncouth, mindless, tone-deaf,

44
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:51,079
randy, blokeish, semi-literate space bum.

45
00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:54,557
Oh! Welcome back, Mr Lister, sir!

46
00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:59,797
- What's that?
- That's Mr Rimmer, sir. This is his light bee.

47
00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:03,035
(RATTLES)

48
00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:05,710
- He's a hologram.
- Rimmer?

49
00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:09,396
- He's my best mate, isn't he?
- Sir, you are sick!

50
00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:14,911
Maybe a touch of synaptic enhancer will do the trick.

51
00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:26,790
Initiating boot-up sequence.

52
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:29,110
Downloading physical form.

53
00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:39,798
Access personality banks. Load arrogance.

54
00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:44,711
Load charisma.

55
00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:50,510
Load neuroses.

56
00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:55,071
Download memory.

57
00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:59,799
Oh, THAT Rimmer.

58
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:08,359
Nice cornflakes. Nice and oniony.

59
00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:12,153
Can you pass us that Tabasco
sauce? Just needs a bit more pep in it.

60
00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:22,158
Congratulations, sir.
You're well on the way to full recall.

61
00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:24,696
Next thing you know, you'll be
convinced you can play the guitar.

62
00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:26,917
I CAN play the guitar!

63
00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:30,630
I'm a diva, man! 
I can make that lump of wood sing

64
00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:34,998
like a Yukon bear trapper
on his annual visit to the brothel.

65
00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:37,555
That's as maybe, bud, but the deal stays the same.

66
00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:43,278
I know, I know. If I want to strum my guitar,
I've gotta put on a suit and do it in outer space.

67
00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:45,829
- Peasants.
- I suggest we start debriefing.

68
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:48,071
- Mr Rimmer?
- Thank you, Kryten.

69
00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:51,835
Now, gentlemen,
as we all aware, we have lost Red Dwarf.

70
00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:55,596
This is not the time for
small-minded, petty recrimination.

71
00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:58,798
The time for that is when we get back
to Earth and Lister is court-martialled.

72
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:03,233
- I didn't lose it.
- Come on, Listy. You're the one who parked it

73
00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:05,511
You're the one who can't remember
which planetoid you left it around.

74
00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:10,556
They're all the same, those little blue-green
planetoids - blue-green and planetoidy.

75
00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:13,439
Sirs, there's no advantage in finger-pointing.

76
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:18,071
We didn't lose Red Dwarf. Red Dwarf was stolen
from us by persons or life-forms unknown.

77
00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:23,514
Who'd steal a gigantic red trash can with no
brakes and three million years on the clock?

78
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:26,439
Rogue droids,
genetically engineered life-forms,

79
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:31,356
figments of Mr Lister's imagination
made solid by some weird space ray.

80
00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:36,993
Who knows? The important thing is that after
200 years of following their vapour trail, we have them.

81
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:40,397
- What do you mean?
- They've been forced to make a massive detour

82
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:43,313
to circumnavigate this asteroid belt.

83
00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:47,189
However, Starbug is small enough to negotiate
its way straight through the middle.

84
00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:53,515
For the first time for two centuries, we have the opportunity to
'head them off at the pass', as it were, and recover Holly.

85
00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:56,838
Kryten, you're forgetting
about Space Corps Directive 1742.

86
00:07:57,040 --> 00:08:03,230
1742? "No member of the Corps should ever
report for duty in a ginger toupee".

87
00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:10,313
Well, thank you for reminding me of that regulation, sir,
but I can't see how it is pertinent to our present situation.

88
00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:12,511
- 1743, then.
- Oh, I see.

89
00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:16,150
"No registered vessel should attempt to
traverse an asteroid belt without deflectors."

90
00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:20,439
- Yes! God, he's pedantic.
- Rimmer, check out the supply situation.

91
00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:24,594
Your hologram's on battery back-up.
Oxygen for three months.

92
00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:27,320
Water, if we drink recyc, seven weeks.

93
00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:32,236
And, worst of all, we're down to our last 2,000
poppadoms. We're in trouble, man. Big time.

94
00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:36,752
You know how unstable those belts are.
Rogue asteroids, meteor storms...

95
00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:39,309
One direct hit on that plexi-glass view-screen,

96
00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:43,360
and our innards will be turned inside out
quicker than a pair of Lister's old underpants.

97
00:08:43,560 --> 00:08:45,949
We're out of options, man. We're going in.

98
00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:50,956
Recommend the Cat pilots. With his superior reflexes and
nasal intuition, that will give us our best chance.

99
00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:55,656
Oh, for pity's sake!
One breach in that hull and we're people pâté.

100
00:08:55,680 --> 00:09:02,518
There's an old Cat proverb - it's better to live
one hour as a tiger than a whole lifetime as a worm.

101
00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:09,350
There's an old human proverb -
whoever heard of a wormskin rug?

102
00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:20,157
Yes, nice stickwork, man.

103
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:23,389
- Something's coming.
- Nothing on the navicomp.

104
00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:25,910
I can smell it. Something big.

105
00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:29,590
- I'm getting nothing, either.
- These nostrils never lie.

106
00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:33,998
He's right. Co-ordinates 5341 by 6163.

107
00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:39,678
Take a peek, gentlemen. There's a meteor bigger
than King Kong's first dump of the day...

108
00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:42,229
and it's steaming straight towards us.

109
00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:45,320
- (KRYTEN) Too vast to go around.
- Reverse thrust!

110
00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:49,070
There's no time.
Face it, we're deader than corduroy.

111
00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:53,069
- Kryten, you know what to do.
- I'm on my way, sir.

112
00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:56,796
-  Will you tell me what's he doing?
- He's customised the waste disposal unit,

113
00:09:56,960 --> 00:10:00,396
filled the eject system with rocket fuel and turned it into a kind of high-impact garbage cannon.

114
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:03,877
You're going to try and shoot that out of the sky
with tin cans and banana peel?!

115
00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:07,471
There's a surprise in the middle -
a thermos of nitroglycerine.

116
00:10:07,680 --> 00:10:11,310
- Waste disposal unit armed and ready.
- Kryten, will this work?

117
00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:13,437
Lie mode.

118
00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:16,797
Of course it'll work, sir. No worries.

119
00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:22,877
Hook, line, sinker, rod
and copy of "Angling Times", sir.

120
00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:26,233
- Here it comes!
- Ready, Kryten? Fire!

121
00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:30,400
(LISTER) Yes!

122
00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:35,832
Relocating Red Dwarf's vapour trail.
At present speed and course,

123
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,799
estimated time to interception,
12 hours, 7 minutes.

124
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:42,675
Check out your screens! I'm getting
something new, and it does not smell good.

125
00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:46,758
There. Got it. Looks like some kind of ship.

126
00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:48,911
Hang on a minute, there's another one... and another!

127
00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:52,238
- I'm getting them too. Ten... no, twelve.
- All derelicts.

128
00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:55,233
It's like this is a giant
spaceship graveyard.

129
00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:04,351
Does anyone else here get the feeling that we've
been led here like lambs to the kebab shop?

130
00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:07,757
We're not moving another inch until we
found out what brought those ships down.

131
00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:10,036
Recommend we stop engines and launch scouter.

132
00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:12,231
Engines stopped. Scouter launched.

133
00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:25,113
(KRYTEN) We're in.

134
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:27,994
- What's that?
- Human remains.

135
00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:31,915
Wait. Angle up five degrees.
Across ten degrees.

136
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,839
There. Some kind of writing on the floor.

137
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:40,790
P-S-I-R-E-N-S.

138
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,314
Psirens.

139
00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:45,393
The poor devil must've scrawled it in his death throes,

140
00:11:45,560 --> 00:11:50,157
using a combination of his own blood
and even his own intestines.

141
00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:54,791
- Who would do that?
- Someone who badly needed a pen.

142
00:11:57,080 --> 00:12:02,154
What I don't understand is why he went to the
trouble of using his kidney as a full stop?

143
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:07,711
I don't think he meant to do that.
It probably just plopped out.

144
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:15,155
Whoever he was, clearly he was desperate to warn
any other poor wretches who might wander into the same deadly trap...

145
00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:20,629
Scouter's located the black box.

146
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:23,911
OK. Replay final entry.

147
00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:28,514
They're closing in.
They're all over the ship.

148
00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:32,914
I know I'm next.
It's just a matter of time before...

149
00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:37,433
Oh, God! You're beautiful!
I can't resist you.

150
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:41,309
Have to be strong. I know what you want!

151
00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:45,040
No... no you don't. You don't want to love me...

152
00:12:45,064 --> 00:12:48,193
You want to suck out my brains with that
straw like you did the rest of them...

153
00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:50,476
Get away from me!

154
00:12:50,500 --> 00:12:52,816
Argh... No!

155
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:55,793
Ah! What have you done, you evil harlot!

156
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:59,078
You've squeezed all the ketchup out of my burger!

157
00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:03,677
Now what? No! Get that straw out of my ear!

158
00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:06,480
(SQUELCHING AND GROANING)

159
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:25,837
OK. Scouters checked out black boxes
on three of the derelicts.

160
00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:30,716
This entire belt is swarming with some kind
of genetically engineered life-form

161
00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:33,440
who can alter your perception telepathically.

162
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:37,150
They're called Psirens,
like with Ulysses in that ancient Turkish legend.

163
00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:39,510
- I believe the legend was Greek, sir.
- Whatever.

164
00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:42,638
Some country big on curly shoes and hoummos.

165
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:47,510
The point is, they use this power of illusion
to lure you onto the asteroids.

166
00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:51,833
and they strip the ship of whatever they can use...
and then suck out your brains.

167
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:55,317
They shouldn't bother us, then.
There's barely a snack on-board.

168
00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,919
We can't turn back now, sir. We'll lose Red Dwarf.

169
00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:04,830
Look, we'll be through the belt in three, maybe four hours.
We've just gotta stay on the case.

170
00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:10,029
They'll try to tempt us, scare us, break our morale -
anything to force us down onto the rocks.

171
00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:12,470
Incoming message.

172
00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:14,631
It's pretty weak.

173
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:19,831
Please help us.
Our settlement is almost extinct

174
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:23,311
- There are only women left.
- Barely 3000 of us.

175
00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:28,793
If we are to survive, we need males
to spread their seed amongst our number.

176
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:33,238
- We beg you... make love to us.
- Make love to all of us.

177
00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:38,594
You heard 'em, they want
seed-spreaders. I'm going to apply.

178
00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:42,833
You guys deal with this Psiren thing.
I'll deal with this.

179
00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:50,915
Call me paranoid, but you don't think
they were these Psiren dude things, do you?

180
00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:55,956
Even the brunette?

181
00:14:56,320 --> 00:15:00,712
If anyone wants me, I'll be taking
a cold shower in liquid oxygen.

182
00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:05,753
Well, if that's the most sophisticated
enticement these Psirens can throw at us,

183
00:15:05,777 --> 00:15:08,594
I hardly think we're exactly
in danger of being 'bewitched'.

184
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:14,273
If I may postulate, sir. That was merely the level
of sophistication required to lure the Cat, and it worked.

185
00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:19,037
Had we not been here to stop him, he would now be on
one of those asteroids, crawling around without a brain,

186
00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:24,274
trying to write "Oh, boy, was I suckered?"
with his own intestinal tract.

187
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:27,671
Incoming message. Here they go again.

188
00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:35,075
This Captain Tau of the SCS Pioneer.
We're under attack.

189
00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:39,677
Some form of scavengers... Psirens.

190
00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:44,391
They lured us onto this god-forsaken
asteroid, killed most of the crew.

191
00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:46,113
(WAILS)

192
00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:48,596
Is this genuine?

193
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:54,437
Don't try to help us.
We're finished. Save yourselves.

194
00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:58,150
- Kochanski!
- Dave, is that you?

195
00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:01,870
- I thought you were dead.
- No time to explain. We're overrun.

196
00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:05,317
- Get out of the belt while you can!
- It's Kochanski.

197
00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:08,478
We'll be OK. They'll never take us alive.

198
00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:12,679
I'm keeping back three bullets,
for me, one each for the two kids.

199
00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:16,077
- Kids?!
- Your two sons, Dave.

200
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:18,231
How...? I-I don't understand.

201
00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:22,718
When you went into stasis, I broke
into the sperm bank, back on Red Dwarf?

202
00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:28,711
You're a father. Here they come!
Jim, Bexley, come to Mummy.

203
00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:32,675
Wait, don't do anything, I'm coming in!
Kryten, bazookoids. Rimmer, plot a course!

204
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:35,110
Lister, tune into Sanity FM!

205
00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:41,069
- You saying they were Psirens?
- Of course, it's as plain as a Bulgarian pin-up.

206
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:44,635
- More trouble, and it's heading straight for us.
- What is it?

207
00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:47,519
Er, what do you call giant
meteorites that are all covered in flames?

208
00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:50,069
- A giant flaming meteorite?
- That's it.

209
00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:55,436
Should I load the garbage cannon, sir?

210
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,830
- It wouldn't make a dent.
- Plot course change.

211
00:16:58,040 --> 00:17:00,759
- Engaging re-heat.
- Wait, there's nothing on the radar.

212
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:02,997
- So?
- I think it's another illusion.

213
00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:06,591
- What, Psirens?
- Cat? Are you getting any scent from that meteorite?

214
00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:09,149
I didn't even know they had a duty-free shop!

215
00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:11,431
- Can you smell anything?
- No...

216
00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:13,598
Suggest we maintain
present course.

217
00:17:13,622 --> 00:17:16,250
- That fireball does not exist.
- Say you're wrong?

218
00:17:16,274 --> 00:17:19,544
- Sir, I'll stake my reputation on it.
- Kryten, you haven't got a reputation.

219
00:17:19,568 --> 00:17:21,909
No, but I am hoping to
acquire one from this escapade.

220
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:25,276
It's closing in. Too late to run.

221
00:17:25,480 --> 00:17:27,710
Relax, gentlemen. You're quite safe.

222
00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:32,311
Ah. Smug mode.

223
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:37,270
Well... I can't hang around here
saving your necks all day.

224
00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:41,320
I guess I'll go make a start on that ironing.

225
00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:47,470
I'm getting another one.
Better get Kryten. He'll know what to do.

226
00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:53,556
I'm perfectly capable of dealing with a giant
flaming meteorite, thank you so very very much indeedy.

227
00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:58,794
We do not need to enlist the help of a domestic droid
with a head shaped like a genetically flawed lumpfish.

228
00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:02,635
OK, keep your "H" on. So what do we do?

229
00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:05,758
There's nothing on the radar.
It's another illusion. We do nothing.

230
00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:09,754
Yo, guys, what's happening?
Cabin temperature's rising.

231
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,600
Psirens again. It's another
illusion. It's all in hand.

232
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:16,191
What if the fireball's real and
this time the radar read-out's the illusion?

233
00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:18,676
Gentlemen, relax. We're quite safe.

234
00:18:19,820 --> 00:18:20,820
(BOOM)

235
00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:37,514
- Any damage?
- Not too bad. A couple of the sensors are out,

236
00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:43,278
fuel-intake chambers are both flooded and the
left pilot seat doesn't go up and down any more.

237
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:46,313
- We came through that intact?!
- Starbug was built to last, sir.

238
00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:50,394
This old baby's crashed
more times than a ZX81.

239
00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:56,917
It's what it's made of. Back in the 22nd Century Aerospace engineers
discovered that, after a plane crash,

240
00:18:57,080 --> 00:19:02,792
the only thing that always survives intact is a cute little doll,
so they built Starbug out of the same stuff.

241
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:05,640
- Is that a fact?
- Cat, you're so gullible.

242
00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:07,560
Thanks!

243
00:19:07,760 --> 00:19:11,196
- How long before we can take off again?
- Oh, just a matter of... Oh, wait.

244
00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:16,036
The front landing stanchion is embedded
in rock up to the joint. We're going to have to get out there and blast it free.

245
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:18,595
- I'll go.
- Sir, the atmosphere is very thin,

246
00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:21,070
Besides, this place is likely to be crawling with Psirens.

247
00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:25,797
Kryten, you look after the engine. I'll be
out there, being brave. Two minutes maximum.

248
00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:32,639
- How's that?
- (CAT) Looking good.

249
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:34,996
We'll clear the rest on take-off.

250
00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:39,872
- On me way back.
- Hi, Dave.

251
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:44,551
- Smeggin' hell. Pete Tranter's sister?
- Remember me, Dave?

252
00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:48,315
You lusted after me all through your puberty.

253
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:53,598
And now, at last, I can be yours.

254
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:56,872
Stay back, Pete Tranter's sister. I know what you want.

255
00:19:57,040 --> 00:20:00,431
It's pink and it's moist and it's in my head, and that's where it's staying.

256
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:03,069
You know what you want.

257
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:09,111
You want to squeeze my buttocks together
to make one juicy giant peach.

258
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:14,514
I get it. You're trying to make me
to drown in my own drool.

259
00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:18,560
- Don't fight it.
- Stay back, Pete Tranter's sister.

260
00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:22,679
How long has it been
since you made love to a woman?

261
00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:26,719
I admit it's been a while.

262
00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:29,253
It's been over three
million years, Dave.

263
00:20:29,277 --> 00:20:34,869
I prefer to count it in Ice Ages, then it's
only four. In fact in leap ice ages, hardly even one.

264
00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:40,518
That's a long time, Dave,
for a man of your drives.

265
00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:46,159
It's a long time for an Albanian shepherd
who's allergic to wool.

266
00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:51,552
- Kiss me.
- I can't resist you any more, Pete Tranter's sister.

267
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:58,237
Your death will be exquisite.
I'll take you to the peak of ecstasy,

268
00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:01,040
then I'll blow your mind.

269
00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:27,312
Come on, Dave. Let's get out of here.

270
00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:29,998
"Dave"?

271
00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:38,672
- (KRYTEN) Sir? Is everything OK out there?
- What's the delay?

272
00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:42,356
(LISTER) A couple of Psirens wiped each other
out fighting over my brains.

273
00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:46,229
Oh, smeg. It's the TV weather girl
from Channel 27,

274
00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:49,199
- Fight it. Don't look at her.
- It's not that easy.

275
00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:51,476
You can't see what she's doing with her pointy stick.

276
00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:55,639
- I'm starting the engines.
- Get back in here now!

277
00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:57,791
On me way.

278
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:00,834
Ooh, it's me.

279
00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:04,680
It's getting pretty hairy out there, Kryten, let's vamoose.

280
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:08,950
What the hell are you doing, taking off
when I'm still outside?! Let me in!

281
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:13,472
- I'm afraid, sir, you're already here.
- He's a Psiren, Kryten. Don't let him in.

282
00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:17,952
For God's sake! He's the Psiren!
I can't hang on any longer. Let me in!

283
00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:20,959
- What are going to do?
- We can't tell which is which. We've got to let him in.

284
00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:26,712
Then we'll definitely have a Psiren on-board,
a brain-sucking psychotic temporal-lobe slurper.

285
00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:29,309
There's a 50% chance we've already got one on board.

286
00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:31,756
We can't risk killing Mr Lister. We've got to let him in.

287
00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:39,838
Look, how many times? He's the Psiren. I'm me.

288
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:43,516
How can you believe this?!
He doesn't even look like me.

289
00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:46,394
He's podgy. He hasn't got my classic profile.

290
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:50,309
- You're both identical.
- (BOTH) No way!

291
00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:52,909
I'm going to try some tests.

292
00:22:57,240 --> 00:22:59,675
Both right-handed. Correct. Kryten?

293
00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:04,195
Now then, gentlemen. Trim your toenails.

294
00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:10,556
Enough!

295
00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:16,109
- Play the guitar.
- What?

296
00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:19,477
- Here? Inside?
- Play it.

297
00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:23,674
(PLAYS ROCK SOLO SKILFULLY)

298
00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:42,319
- How did you know that wasn't me?
- Because that dude could play.

299
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:46,718
- He was no better than me.
- That's the way you believe that you can play, sir.

300
00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:49,838
That's why when the Psiren read
your mind, he shared your delusion

301
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:53,197
that you are NOT a ten-thumbed,
tone-deaf, talentless noise-polluter.

302
00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:57,030
You're seriously saying
you think he was better than me?

303
00:23:57,200 --> 00:23:59,350
(TUNELESS RACKET)

304
00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:06,834
- See, what's the difference?
- Little survival tip, bud.

305
00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:10,197
Never play your guitar in front of a man with a loaded gun.

306
00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:15,793
I resent this.
I resent you saving my life in this way.

307
00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:18,031
Er... Where's it gone?

308
00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:21,631
- It's crawled down into the engine room.
- (ALARM SOUNDS)

309
00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:24,110
Meteor storm off the starboard bow! It's a biggie.

310
00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:27,551
Suggest you know man the cockpit. Mr Rimmer and I will pursue the Psiren.

311
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:30,955
Er... That's QUITE a good plan, Kryten.

312
00:24:31,120 --> 00:24:36,115
Excellent in all but one small detail.
I think you know what it is. Bye!

313
00:24:38,680 --> 00:24:40,751
(BEEPING)

314
00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:48,840
(RAPID BEEPING)

315
00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:57,395
Please, there's no logic
in trying to engage me in combat.

316
00:24:57,560 --> 00:25:00,837
I am unseduceable in that I have no desires or lusts,

317
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:06,029
and my brain is synthetic and consequently
of no use to you. Give yourself up.

318
00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:09,559
Professor Mamet? My creator.

319
00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:13,358
- Hello, Kryten.
- What is the function of this illusion?

320
00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:18,475
You cannot harm me. It's coded into every cell in
your body. You're totally defenceless against me.

321
00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:21,752
True. However,
the others are not so hampered.

322
00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:25,840
You're also programmed
to obey my every command. Drop the radio.

323
00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:31,879
- Open the waste compactor.
- What are you doing?!

324
00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:35,550
- Climb inside.
- No! No! (GRUNTS)

325
00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:39,039
- This serves no...
- Engage the mechanism.

326
00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:43,913
You are sick!

327
00:25:44,440 --> 00:25:45,874
Die.

328
00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:50,151
(LISTER) Kryten? Are you there?

329
00:25:50,360 --> 00:25:55,434
The meteor storm was another illusion.
The Psiren's not as badly injured as we thought.

330
00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:56,920
(RIMMER) Kryten?

331
00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:03,795
- (WHISPERS) It's got him.
- Kryten!

332
00:26:10,240 --> 00:26:14,234
My battery's going.
Only seconds left. I need a recharge...

333
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:19,114
And then there were two.

334
00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:26,910
- Want a drink?
- Buddy, I'm parched.

335
00:26:27,120 --> 00:26:32,149
Wait a minute. What's a vending machine
doing in the engine room?

336
00:26:50,080 --> 00:26:52,151
I'm almost annoyed.

337
00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:24,315
- That's it, we're clear of the belt.
- What about Red Dwarf?

338
00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:27,074
Well, according to the NaviComp,
it's gone into that gas nebula.

339
00:27:27,280 --> 00:27:30,159
Then that's where we're heading.

340
00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:33,000
- Tea, sir?
- Cheers, man.

341
00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:38,280
Suggest you don't put it on the console, sir. It leaves
those ugly ring marks. Why not use me as a table?

342
00:27:38,440 --> 00:27:42,991
- I thought you were going to go away and fix yourself?
- Not before I've finished all my duties, sir.

343
00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:46,152
I can't go gallivanting off operating my self-repair unit,

344
00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:50,712
not when there's a pile of laundry in the washroom the size of the north face of the Eiger.

345
00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:54,555
Besides, the Cat has invited me to
join him in the weekly crap game tonight.

346
00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:57,195
He's gonna be the dice.

347
00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:01,511
- Approaching nebula.
- (LISTER) Well, let's see what's in there.

348
00:28:05,920 --> 00:28:09,231
# It's cold outside,
there's no kind of atmosphere

349
00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:12,711
# I'm all alone, more or less

350
00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:16,032
# Let me fly far away from here

351
00:28:16,200 --> 00:28:18,760
# Fun, fun, fun

352
00:28:18,920 --> 00:28:22,629
# In the sun, sun, sun

353
00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:26,077
# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

354
00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:29,278
# Drinking fresh mango juice

355
00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:32,717
# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

356
00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:35,520
# Fun, fun, fun

357
00:28:35,680 --> 00:28:39,230
# In the sun, sun, sun

358
00:28:39,400 --> 00:28:42,199
# Fun, fun, fun

359
00:28:42,360 --> 00:28:46,433
# In the sun, sun, sun #